"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." - Ernest Hemingway

As always, I have little bits and pieces of thoughts throughout the week or during the periods of time where I don't write. Things that pop into my brain - "hey, yanno, I really should write about that" - only to have them disappear into the ether. What I should do is write them down as they occur to me, but even if I do (and I've tried), I usually decide that it's not really worth expounding upon later, for the most part.

You'd never know that I actually used to write on a creative level when I was younger. Not by the disjointed posts you see here today, anyway. I'd love to get back into that, but I don't feel that I have enough talent to do it, or originality to be honest. When I go back over the few writing pieces of mine that exist today (mainly really bad poetry on Literotica and the like), I cringe with complete embarrassment. That's usually a sign that I'm not cut out for the writing scene, heh.

Just that I'm thinking about trying to start again, though... that's as close to "normal" as I can ever remember being. Writing used to be my passion, what I lived for, and I might have had a shot at it if it hadn't been for a really painful experience when I was younger.

Yes, folks, here it comes. I'm purging yet another painful memory. Get ready.

Between the time I was about, oh I'll say sixteen or so, and nineteen... I was ass-deep in the writing of a book, an actual book. It doesn't matter what it was about now - something about a smart-alecky cat traveling the country having Kerouac-like adventures - but it was really, really good, or so I thought. I'd written, written, rewritten, revised, gotten critical opinions, revised again... etc. I was actually going to try and publish the damned thing, more fool me. At nineteen, I had a lot of dreams, still.

To make a long story short, the asshole that I was with at the time was abusive - in body, mind and spirit. This is the only douchebag that ever dared to hit me on a physical level, and to this day I don't know why I ever stayed with him - I guess I was conditioned to take that abuse, just like I was conditioned in childhood to accept emotional abuse and neglect.

This asshole, in a fit of rage, ripped up my book. The only copy I had. You see, there were no computers accessible back then to the general public - you had to have serious money to afford one in those days, which I didn't have. So... no copies. No way to get anything back. He took each page, and deliberately ripped it in halves, quarters, eighths. Scattered them all around the rooms. It was a big, huge, hurtful "Fuck you, bitch - you're nothing. Your so-called "talent" is shit."

I cried for weeks. That crushed my spirit like nothing else could have. At nineteen, something profound died within me. I've never been able to retrieve it since. Not ever. I have never written a word on a creative level since. Only bad, inept, stuttering poetry that is a fraction of the ability I used to have. Something inside of me still hears that limpdick's voice, echoing that sentiment. "I'm nothing. I'm shit."

Isn't that awful?

It doesn't matter how many people tell me differently, either. I just can't seem to get over that one thing, the destruction of something that I poured my heart and soul into for almost 4 years of my life. I guess you just had to be there to understand the depth of the pain.

Just the fact that I'm thinking about writing again, or even trying is a huge, huge positive sign that maybe I'm returning to the young, idealistic woman I used to be. Believe it or not... I did have hopes and dreams once, underneath all of this hurt and all of the tears I've cried incessantly since I was old enough to walk, pretty much.

Ugh, tears again. Always more tears. But it means I'm healing, doesn't it? Even if it seems to take absolutely forever.

I'm finally accepting the hurt, the pain, the fact that I endured abuse heaped onto yet more abuse. I'm finally getting that it happened and that I can't pretend it didn't and that I can't change it. But when am I going to get to forgiveness? I'm conscious that forgiveness is for myself, a way to keep people out of my head and heart... I'm getting that, too. But when is that going to happen? Am I going to carry all of this darkness within me forever?

Questions, questions, yet more questions. I want answers, damn it.

Heh, I can hear Greg's voice in my head now going, "Paaaaayyyy-shence."

Quick update on the rest of my life, here:
- Greg and I are doing wonderfully fine. Now past the 5-month mark and counting down to half a year. Hard to believe that this wonderful man is still with me, despite all. <3
- I just won the annual incentive workplace award, again, for the third year in a row. Which essentially now means that I'm set for life here, should I want to be. Not that I want to take urine for the rest of my life, that's for sure.
- School is in full swing again. This time I'm taking film history (wonderfully fun) and public safety policy (boooooring, yawn). Semester ends December 18th, hopefully I'll pull good marks.
- My wrist is more or less out of the soft cast (though it's not supposed to be yet, but I can't stand wearing the fucking thing one more day). It aches, it's VERY stiff in the mornings, but that's the way it goes. It's liveable. I can deal with it.

And that's it, for now, I guess.

Cheers from the verbal vomitorium. :p

Wheeeeeee! :p

Wow, things have been going batshit crazy my way recently. I guess this is the time to do a massive (if I can) update. I've actually been wanting to write for a little while now, but I've put it off because I didn't want to try to type out a long post with that stupid cast on.

First of all, the hard cast on my wrist came off on Wednesday, though it's not completely healed as of yet - I still have a soft brace on and will have it on for the next six weeks. It's a fair trade, though, if I can wash my arm and scratch my own skin - believe me when I tell you that I'm relieved beyond belief. I am now able to dress myself, for the most part, as well as type with all of my fingers again. Still no lifting for a while, though - even a full bottle of water is too much for me at this point. Hopefully the swelling and bruising will go down soon.

(Warning: If you're squeamish about women's health issues, or if the word "gynecology" scares the crap out of you, proceed to where it says "END" in bold. I understand if you don't want to read about my female plumbing - trust me, I won't be hurt. :p )

I also went to the OB to discuss tubal ligation - just like I'd promised I would way back when. Apparently there are other issues going on, though, which means I need a pelvic sonogram and comprehensive bloodwork. I already know what's going on - there's a definite hormone imbalance and has been for some time, I don't need a return visit for them to tell me that. Question really boils down to, what are they going to do about it.

Oh, I cried throughout the exam. It was horrible. I just couldn't get a hold of myself. Thank Christ Greg was there to support me through it, or I don't know if I'd have ever stepped foot into the place. Luckily, my OB is very sweet and understanding of my fears - so I do feel I'm in good hands. I hated the exam, but I'm glad I went - this encourages me to take a lot better care of my health, I think. It's time I did that. I don't have the excuse of no health insurance anymore!

(END of squeamish portion of the program. You little pussy. :p )

School is going... eh, so-so. I don't think I'm going to get real good scores on the classes I have right now, but then I didn't plan on breaking my wrist and being in doped-up, intense pain for most of the semester, either. I'm not killing myself over it - if I fail, then I fail. I'll take it over again, I don't (and won't) have any other choice.

This has been a really crazy month, though. Work has been about the same, though we again have a new manager and he's making some pretty serious changes to the day-to-day operation of the unit (in this case it's mainly good things), so that's something to get used to. I've been settling in with life in general - Greg and I still have a wonderful relationship and we've been getting along great. While my guard is still up (mainly on an unconscious level now, though), I do think that things just may work out after all. We have plenty of time still ahead of us, so in the meantime, I'm just enjoying, enjoying, enjoying it.

Lots of events have been going on as well - we went to the Baltimore Book Festival this year, we're going to Kings Dominion in a couple of weeks, RenFest this weekend - then the holidays coming, and that'll be a big thing because it'll be our first together.... yeah. Life's been nuts, but it's also been a ball. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. :D

Of course, there's always that other shoe. But I'm slowly gaining faith that it just might not fall. Maybe.

Not much else to tell at the moment. My wrist is beginning to ache, though, so it's probably best to close out for now.

The wounds are beginning to close.

I start this with the feeling that I want to write something, but... I don't really have a clear purpose in mind. This most likely means that it's going to be a lot of rambling about nothing, so if you don't really give a rat's ass about the inner workings of my head, it's probably best to skip this one. It's okay, really - I won't be upset about it. :p

My wrist and hand are doing a lot better, though they're not "fixed" by any means. I am still having trouble with some things such as putting on a bra or clothes that have to be buttoned (though I'm doing well with tying shoelaces, oddly). Today, I was able to tie my hair back into a tail for the first time since the accident, a very good sign. I am able to type again with both hands, though on a limited basis (I can only do it for short periods before I have to "rest" again - it's the way the cast is wrapped, bluh). My next orthopedic appointment is for October 5th, and there's a good possibility that I'll be able to get the cast off completely, though I'm sure I'll still have to wear a soft brace for a while. Still, it's better than this heavy monstrosity that seems to weigh more and more each passing day. Ugh!

I once again have been thinking of my recent past... only now I just feel indifference. It no longer matters. None of it does. I have survived the pain and I have come out on the other side stronger, healthier, more determined than ever. Perhaps the ghosts have finally been vanquished... or at the very least, put to rest.

Yesterday, my therapist shortened my appointments to once a month. When I first began seeing him, it was once a week. It's further proof that the depression is now fading away, or at least has been pushed way, way back onto the closet shelf. It gives me hope that I continue to improve, little by little, day by day. I hope that the depression stays gone - forever.

Still, I bear its scars. I suspect that I always will.

My relationship with Greg continues to flourish. I still pinch myself some days, wondering how all of this came to be... but I am trying not to question my good fortune, but to simply enjoy it.

It's strange, but I now wonder what this blog will become, now that my mental health has improved, if not been restored altogether. This used to be my complaining ground, my "best friend", the one place that I knew I could scream, whine, be emo, cry, sob my stupid head off. But now? I don't really know what purpose it serves these days, as I have very little to complain or cry about. I question whether I will - or should - continue to write in it. The lack of posting recently is no accident, really - I've just not had too much to say. I've been too busy living my life - and I've discovered that there IS a life out there!

(Though my wrist being broken doesn't lead me to want to use it too much in the pursuit of writing, or anything else. There is that, heh.)

And now, a video. :p Actually... this song has a certain meaning to me, as it's one of the last songs I remember... before the depression took over my life. :(

Yes, I cry when I hear this.

Enjoy. Until next time.

Extremely short update....

I broke my wrist last Thursday. I must now type one-handed, and quite honestly I'm in a lot of pain so this isn't going to be massive. Everything is more or less fine. No complaints. More when I feel better.

How's that for pithy? :p

I am my own person. No, really. I am.

Ever since I met Greg (two incredible months ago!), I've been a lot happier, which has been pretty obvious to all who know me. I've been receiving comments from all sources - personal, work, otherwise - that have told me that I'm beginning to smile again... that I seem more "alive", I guess, than I have in years.

I've worked incredibly hard over the last year to get myself back onto solid ground, to recover from my depression, to validate myself as someone worthy of existing, never mind living. To tell the truth, I would have been perfectly happy with just existence - seems that I've gotten more than I'd bargained for, heh.

Still, fear persists. I'm scared of my fragile recovery being blown to bits, and I refuse to lie about it. The ground underneath me is still quite shaky, though it's getting a bit firmer every day. I think that it's important for me to realize that I've done all that I have done myself - that no one's helped me along with this, that I'm responsible for my own happiness. A comment from my last post made me think about that, long and hard - am I happy because there's someone in my life now? Or can I be just as happy by myself, alone, the way I was going along? At the time, I'd said that having someone in my life was an addition to it, not that it became my life. I still find that to be my truth, I think.

The mistake that I've made in the past, in nearly all of my previous relationships/entanglements/something, is that I've made the other person "my life". Does that make sense? Instead of seeing them as a pleasant addition, an enhancement, I've enmeshed my own personality into theirs. Wrong, wrong, wrong move! It's okay to feel empathetic - it is NOT okay to absorb!

It's a shame that it's taken me nearly 40 years to learn better.

This relationship with Greg has been different in a lot of ways - hell, in nearly every way. Maybe it's because I'm now mature enough to know the difference, maybe it's because it's the first relationship I've had in a long time where the disparity between lifestyles wasn't such a yawning cavern, maybe it's because I'm finally ready to own my shit when I do something wrong. I don't know why, exactly. Perhaps I'm finally ready to yield a little control over to another person, because a relationship - a good one, anyway - is give and take. I've always been such a control freak in the past - if I wasn't in the driver's seat, I'd literally have a conniption and be unable to cope. I still have a lot of issues with that, with trusting, with relaxing and laying back and just letting things happen. But I'm getting better at it every day, just like I am in a lot of other ways.

Eventually, I'm going to be able to relax enough to talk about my other past relationships - to the point where I can finally cleanse wounds. I don't look forward to reliving the pain associated with that, but to finally putting it all where it belongs - in the past - I actually look forward to owning my mistakes, which sounds weird, but.... it's an essential portion of healing that I still have to do.

I am so ready for it. :)

In other quick news: it turns out that I'm not the only one in the neighborhood that's been broken into recently, and drug dealing has unfortunately started to pick up, as well. There's a community meeting about it on August 9th, which is unfortunately a Tuesday - but I may try and prepare a statement about my experience for the meeting. They say the Baltimore police department will be there. Wouldn't it be nice if they could get to the house faster than 2 hours next time? /sarcasm

Otherwise, life rolls along. I'm doing pretty well, all things considered.

I'm certainly a lot happier than I used to be. :)

Blog improvements may be coming soon. Might be time to get rid of all of this black. :D

More later.

Victim mentality.

In my voracious and continuous reading of other "relationship-oriented" sites, I've found that I'm beginning to use a lot of what people are talking about - even if I don't really have a partner to apply a lot of the knowledge to. In some ways, I'm treating my self as my "partner", and what I'm learning is beginning to filter through this cracked skull of mine. This can't be a bad thing, right?

Anyhow, to get to the point of this post - I read something this morning about "victim mentality" that really spoke to me. I'm guilty of a lot of the behavior in the writing that follows. But you can be sure that I'll be absorbing these "tips" and taking a lot of what's said here to heart.

Admittedly, this is a long, long article. But it's worth reading.

Just another piece in the re-building of my self-esteem and the making of who and what I want to be.

-----------------------

"How to Break Out of a Victim Mentality: 7 Powerful Tips"


“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.”
Richard Bach

“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
John W. Gardner

One big problem a lot of people have is that they slip into thinking of themselves as victims that have little or no control over their lives. In this headspace you feel sorry for yourself, the world seems to be against you and you get stuck. Little to no action is taken and you get lost in a funk of sadness and self-pity.

So how can you move out of that mindset? In this article I’d like to share a few things that have helped me.

1. Know the benefits of a victim mentality.

There are a few benefits of the victim mentality:

Attention and validation. You can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out. On the other hand, it may not last for that long as people get tired of it.
You don’t have to take risks. When you feel like a victim you tend to not take action and then you don’t have to risk for example rejection or failure.
Don’t have to take the sometimes heavy responsibility. Taking responsibility for you own life can be hard work, you have to make difficult decisions and it is just heavy sometimes. In the short term it can feel like the easier choice to not take personal responsibility.
It makes you feel right. When you feel like the victim and like everyone else – or just someone else – is wrong and you are right then that can lead to pleasurable feelings.
In my experience, by just being aware of the benefits I can derive from victim thinking it becomes easier to say no to that and to choose to take a different path.

It also makes it easier to make rational decisions about what to do. Yes, I know that I can avoid risk and the hard work of taking action by feeling like a victim. But I also know that there are even more positive results if I choose to take the other route, if I make the better choice to take a chance and start moving forward.

2. Be ok with not being the victim.

So to break out of that mentality you have to give up the benefits above. You might also experience a sort of emptiness within when you let go of victim thinking. You may have spent hours each week with thinking and talking about how wrong things have gone for you in life. Or how people have wronged you and how you could get some revenge or triumph over them.

Now you have to fill your life with new thinking that may feel uncomfortable because it is not so intimately familiar as the victim thinking your have been engaging in for years.

3. Take responsibility for your life.

Why do people often have self-esteem problems? I’d say that one of the big reasons is that they don’t take responsibility for their lives. Instead someone else is blamed for the bad things that happen and a victim mentality is created and empowered.

This damages many vital parts in your life. Stuff like relationships, ambitions and achievements.

That hurt will not stop until you wise up and take responsibility for your life. There is really no way around it.

And the difference is really remarkable. Just try it out. You feel so much better about yourself even if you only take personal responsibility for your own life for a day.

This is also a way to stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead you start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you.

4. Gratitude.

When I feel that I am putting myself in victim role I like to ask myself this question:

“Does someone have it worse on the planet?”

The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. I understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life.

This question changes my perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps me to lighten up about my situation.

After I have changed my perspective I usually ask another question like:

“What is the hidden opportunity within this situation?”

That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on making yourself feel worse and worse.

5. Forgive.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do”. But forgiving can in a practical way be extremely beneficial for you.

One of the best reasons to forgive can be found in this quote by Catherine Ponder:

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again. The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too.

When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free too from all of that agony.

6. Turn your focus outward and help someone out.

The questions in tip #4 are useful. Another question I use when I get into the victim headspace is simply:

“How can I give value right now?”

Asking that question and making that shift in what you focus on really helps, even if you may not feel totally like doing it.

So I figure out how I can give someone else value, how I can help someone out.

And thing is that the way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big, big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself. For example, judge people more and you tend to judge yourself more. Be more kind to other people and help them and you tend to be more kind and helpful to yourself.

A bit counter intuitive perhaps, but that has been my experience. The more you love other people, the more your love yourself.

7. Give yourself a break.

Getting out of a victim mentality can be hard. Some days you will slip. That’s ok. Be ok with that.

And be nice to yourself. If you have to be perfect then one little slip is made into a big problem and may cause you to spiral down into a very negative place for many days.

It is more helpful to just give yourself a break and use the tips above to move yourself into a positive and empowered headspace once again.

--End of Article--

Strangely disconnected... but okay.

Life rolls on as it always does. I go to work, come home, eat, sleep, feed my cat, do laundry, go to therapy - it's a long, never-ending but oddly comfortable routine. Still, I can't help but feel... well, weird. There are days, of which this is one, where I walk through life doing what I need to do, but I feel like I'm watching some fucked-up reality television program. You know what I mean? I eye situations from a purely "outsider" point of view. It's as if I'm there... but not there. And I'm actually okay with this, because I don't really want to be noticed, anyhow.

I'm really in a weird point in my life right now. While I won't be unhappy if I'm around people, I don't make efforts to be social or to 'strike out', and I'm happy with my own company 99.9% of the time. This IS a big change from the first time I lived alone, where I was almost always miserable and lonely. These days... well, I occasionally feel a bit lonely, but I can usually forget about it rather quickly - and when I think of actually meeting new people, spending time with them, it's... vaguely unpleasant to me. Even more striking is the feeling that I get when I think of meeting someone new in a romantic sense - I actually shudder with revulsion. I think that I'm either finally adjusting to being single/alone - and LIKING it - or I've lost so much trust in people that it'll be virtually impossible for me to ever open myself up in that sense again. Maybe it's a combination of both, I don't know.

I've been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD). The symptoms/characteristics fit me almost 100 percent. I have a very close "inner circle" (as close as I'll allow, anyway, which is not very), and I only trust a very, very, very few. Otherwise, I shun social situations. And now that I actually know I do this, and that it's NORMAL for AvPD people to do this... I actually feel an odd sense of peace. That I'm not a freak, that I'm not alone, that others feel the same way I do, that others are just as lonely and frustrated as I seem to be. I wish that I didn't have it, of course, just as I wish I didn't have depression... but both conditions are permanent and with me to stay. So be it. I'll have to make the best of what I have, even if it proves to be very difficult. Eh, well. My life's never really been what I'd term "easy", so why start now? :p

There's a lot of things that I've been meaning to do lately - there's a shit-ton of mail I have to answer (both E and otherwise), I've fallen out of touch with people that I've been meaning to talk with - if you're one of them, patience, I'll get to you eventually. Like I said, when I inhabit this strange place, I often shut out the world around me and concentrate on introspection. I think that therapy has really helped with my introspective qualities. I'm not focusing as hard on the negative as I once did, and I'm really trying to make improvements - and yes, to be good to myself. Still some work to go on that, though.

I've lost another 2 point something pounds. Doesn't sound like much, but I'll take any improvement I can get. I don't expect that I'll be able to take off enough in order to avoid the surgery, but I'm working it the best that I can. Again, I'm sort of in an apathetic fog when it comes to that, just as I have been with a lot of other things. That might be bad - as a matter of fact, I know it is - but right now I'm comfortable with where I am, so I'm not going to make an effort to change it.

I don't know that apathetic is the right word, though, because I DO care. Maybe it should be "fatalistic" - i.e., whatever happens, happens. I'm not going to create stress for myself over things that, for right now, I have no control over. My philosophy is "do what I'm supposed to do and let everything take care of itself". And that's what I'm doing, I guess.

Yes, I have a lot of regrets. But regret doesn't change what is. All that I can do is continue to move forward - and hope.

Strange, that word, hope. But fitting.

So far, 2011 has been a suck year....

...at least on the health front, anyway. For once, it's not mental or anything connected with depression.

I've had a horrible case of vertigo for the last couple of days. I went to my vision doctor today to see if it had anything to do with my glasses, but it doesn't. Which means that I either have a viral infection (possible) or high blood pressure (possible, but unlikely).

If I have a viral infection, I got it - where else - from the fuckheads at work.

I'm getting really tired of catching these assmonkeys' diseases. Everything that I've been sick with in the last three years, I've caught from either my coworkers or the crackheads. It's getting fucking old, man.

Anyhow. What else is new, heh.

Just a few things on my mind, most of them good.

As always, most of the "good things" that happen to me may not really seem like much - but to me, it's very significant. :D

There was a time where I was very, very paranoid. I seriously thought that people were talking bad things about me behind my back, and when people removed me from "friend lists" or did something that left me out of their circle - whether deliberate or not - I became, in a word, hysterical. Because of that paranoia, you see. That was a big part of the depression for me, and it damaged much more than I can ever relate. Anyhow, getting back to the original train of thought... I went on a website today that I hadn't been to in a while, and noticed that a particular person wasn't on my friends list there anymore.

I know - bigfuckingdeal, right? Only back then, it would have been. I would have dissolved into tears when I saw that name missing from the list. Yes, I admit it - I was that aware of what was happening on social and other networks, that I'd notice that one person had removed me, and I would seriously take that as a personal affront. That's why Facebook, at first, was so difficult for me, because I'd notice that people I'd gotten into contact with would drop me for whatever reason they had, and - boom - instant paranoia.

Today? At first I felt that old, wild paranoia trying to come up - and trying. And trying. But it just... wasn't there. I stared at that screen and I just thought to myself, "Oh, well. Whatever." Within five minutes, I'd just shrugged it off. Within fifteen minutes, I wasn't even thinking any more about it. I'm only thinking about it right now because I marvel at how far I've come since those days, even if it's just a short amount of time.

This, to me, is proof positive that if I'm not recovered from my depression, I am well on the way toward handling it, toward dealing with it, toward living with it. I am healing. I am stepping forward into a new world, a new existence... a new life.

I am learning, bit by bit, to love myself.

I received some items that I'd ordered today - nothing more than sheets and towels from Macy's - but they came in the biggest box I'd ever seen, so after unpacking the goods, I put all of the boxes in the Macy's box for recycling. Then I looked around and realized that nearly all of the boxes in the living room are gone. The house is beginning to look like a home, instead of my possessions just scattered about. And I look around in this house of mine, with my things around me, and I just feel warm inside. This is my house, my things, my life. No one will ever tell me what to do in these four walls. What it does for my self-esteem, you cannot imagine.

Like I said, these are little things to most, but large-scale to me.

I am healing! :D

Happy thoughts.

The school semester is beginning to wind down, which for me is a profound relief. If there's one thing that I've learned from the past couple of months, it's not to take a biology course in tandem with a web design course. Ugh - what a pain in the ass it's been. I really don't know how well I'm going to do in either of these courses. I think I'll be all right with the biology, but the web design is touchy. It doesn't really matter, of course, as it's not required to obtain my degree. But I hate to think that I've wasted any time (as well as money, ugh). It has sparked a bit of an interest in CSS, though, and I may apply what I've learned toward redoing the entire design of this blog. I'd like to work on that, piecemeal, as I can. But I'll have to fit that in along with everything else I've been trying to do. It's been exhausting, to say the least.

I haven't been sleeping very well this week, not since Thanksgiving Day. It's not because of any underlying health problem or because I'm depressed - that's not it. I think it's just a matter of being totally thrown off schedule. It's funny, but you never realize how structured your life is (or can be) until your routine is completely interrupted. I've discovered that I rather like routine, something that shocks me, because I never really thought that was true about myself. I've made a lot of self-discoveries, though, in the last year, and I suspect that I'm on the brink of a lot more.

My tax credit money showed up this week. Lots to do now, I think. I'm paying off most, if not all, of my credit card bills with it, and now I can start with a clean slate - by Monday at the latest (I'm headed to the bank tomorrow, but they'll need a day or two to process everything). Then my creditors will be in for a rude shock, because I'm paying off the entire bill - they can suck it. The only bills I want now are my mortgage, my school loans, and the bill for the TempurPedic bed that I'm going to get (and yes, I'm going to have to finance that, we're looking at thousands of dollars - but it's worth it if I can sleep decently). Indeed, possibilities have now opened up far and wide. I'm looking forward to it, because now I can begin what's left of the rest of my life.

It's a little frightening to think about how far I've come in the last 2 years - never mind in the last 5. I really try not to stress over it, though, because as we know, stress is my enemy.

I'm doing a lot better, a HELL of a lot better, now than I was this time last year, in almost every way possible. The holidays are actually not affecting me, not the way that they did, anyhow. If I were to go away for a short trip this year I think I would actually be able to handle it mentally, but I believe I'll be staying home and just enjoying the quiet and the solitude. I was even thinking about buying some holiday decorations for the house - garland for the railing, candles in the windows, that sort of thing. Probably too late to do it now, but once everything goes on sale after Christmas, I may consider it. This is a far, far cry from sitting on a beach in Ocean City and thinking about doing myself in. This is progress!

Still, I'm cautious. I've said this so many times before. I've gotten my hopes up, only to have them not dashed, but steamrolled. But I'm staying as positive as I can.

I'd like to know when the epiphany happened, though. Or exactly what switch flipped inside of my head so that I'm no longer the sick, broken person I used to be. Because I'd destroy that switch so that it could never, ever flip back.

Ah, I'm rambling at this point and I need to open up the lab in a few minutes. But I wanted to just share my good feelings this morning, as it's relatively rare and I know that those of you who still bother to read this thing enjoy them so.

More later.

Time to catch up, at last.

So I've been scarce recently. As always these days, things are crazy busy, but I've also really not had too much to say. Nothing's much changed, but in my life that's always a positive.

I've been a bit antisocial as of late, without really knowing the reason as to why. I'm not mad at anyone, nothing's wrong, everything's peachy. I think that I'm going through a phase right now where I'm just kind of satisfied with my own company and I'm learning to enjoy that. My therapist would say that this is a great sign - maybe it is, because I've never just taken the time to relax and enjoy... well, my "self", if that makes sense. Still, I'm trying to make an effort to keep up with people, as I have enough trouble with making social connections as it is. I don't want to lose what little I've got, you know what I'm saying?

I felt really, really good this morning (both physically and mentally) coming in to work, which is not something that I'm much used to. It was weird, but there I was in Union Station waiting for the subway, tapping my heels to some silly song and feeling like dancing, of all things. Dancing? Now you know something isn't right, haha. Still, it was a shockingly good feeling. And one that I haven't had in a very long time.

Have I reached the end of this long, lonely road called depression, at last?

I don't really know the answer to that. I'm still seeing the therapist once a week, so I guess I need the help, and I don't foresee that ending any time soon. I can easily say that I feel I'm in a better mental place than I was a year ago, and even three months ago to be honest. I can say that I no longer have depressive attacks on a scale of "total annihilation". I am able to function, able to work, able to sleep normally. I take joy out of little things now, and get angry when it's warranted. The apathy is disappearing. The feelings of loss, dread, blackness, a life without a future, no longer come. I am no longer, at this time, suicidal.

Maybe, at last, I've learned that the person I've needed to really love all along was myself.

Two steps forward... one step back.

I've finally got a few minutes to write - that's how crazy it's been. Huge changes are in the works down at the lab, things that will impact the entire agency, and I've been smack in the middle of it all trying to work things out so that everyone will benefit (though all I'm going to end up getting out of the deal is more headaches from the addicts and a sore back). I can't really go into it at the moment, as I'm... well, not really supposed to know about the details (which translates to, I've been taken into confidence, so I can't talk about it). But all will be revealed by some time next month, so I'll definitely go into it by then.

The depression seems to have abated, or at least not flared up to any huge degree. I did have a moment earlier today where I just lost my temper - I have a huge amount of homework to finish this weekend (two labs and trying to set up an FTP account for my web design class, the latter being an exercise in futility because the instructions aren't correct and the instructor is zero help... and the former just being insanely work-intensive at a time where I have too much going on already). Anyhow, I admit to giving in to my frustration and just bursting into tears (though short-lived). It was refreshingly normal, actually. Perhaps I AM getting better!

I'll be able to catch up, so I'm not incredibly worried (at the moment). It just all FEELS as if it's crashing down onto my shoulders, ugh. I've caught a cold as well last week, so that doesn't help things.

I'm starting to learn that there's never really a time where things settle down so that one has no worries - it's just a matter of what degree something is going to worry you, I suppose.

Really, I can't complain too much right now. I'm alive, the depression has more or less taken a back seat, I have a roof over my head and food to eat, I'm following through with my no-soda determination (though this second week has been hard, I won't lie), I have a job. I'm okay. Reasonably content. Still, I can't help but feel that something's around the corner....

Suspicion, that's all. Just suspicion.

On a different note... I don't like reality television - therefore I don't like American Idol. I've never watched even a single episode of it, ever. But I HAVE heard the "efforts" of some of the, uh, winners of this show. The only one that I think has any talent whatsoever MAY (and I emphasize may) be Kelly Clarkson.

I heard this on one of my iPhone apps the other day. I actually rather like it.



Until next time...

Improving bit by bit.

So I had a pretty good therapy session yesterday. My doctor says that I'm making progress, without drugs and without excuses. I've come to think of his office as "my personal screaming place", because more often than not, I rail and rant and cry my eyes out in there. It's to the point where he has a box of tissues on the ready, because I always, always use them.

There's no doubt about it - this is easily the hardest undertaking that I've ever experienced. But I can slowly feel my mindset, my attitude, my whole life beginning to change. I still have moments where I feel the utter blackness, the lack of a future... but new thoughts are creeping into my empty brain, the realization that someone else's toxicity isn't either my fault or under my control. And I'm learning to just let go.

That sounds like such an easy thing to do... let go. But it's not as easy as people make it seem. I'm learning, though. Slowly, painfully, but learning.

I had the beginnings of lonely feelings last night. Instead of doing what I normally do (which would be either sinking into a deep, depressive funk and cry, or search frantically for someone or something to give me external validation and make me feel better - neither of which techniques work), I sought to find something that would make me laugh. And by God (pun intended), I found it.

Observe below. Yes, it's juvenile as hell. Yes, it's hysterical.




(For those of you who aren't familiar with the televangelist craze of the late 80's, the guy above is Robert Tilton, who used to run a megachurch out in Texas someplace and had a network TV show called 'Success N Life', from which most of these clips are taken. I remember it well. They used to show it on crappy little independent TV stations that were desperate to fill their airtime. Robert Tilton's "church" was exposed in 1991 on ABC News as a fraud.)

In any case, just watching that silly, sad video made me feel a lot better. And I didn't participate in any self-destructive habits to accomplish it. Therefore... well, I'm pretty proud of myself.

I'm not confident enough to say that my life is better - yet. But it's on an upswing, and after all I've been through, I guess that's good enough for me.

I think curling up for a nap with the kitteh sounds like a fine idea about now. :)

Hmmm.

I know I haven't been around for quite a while. It's been, yet again, another strange week. Things have happened that are a little too painful to talk about right now (i.e, recent negativity), and yet... yesterday and today I've been queerly happy, contented, even somewhat settled. It could be that in letting go of what has been hurting (even as a vague, somewhat nettling ache), I have been rewarded with the feeling of peace.

It could be that I am finally living my life on my terms, without feeling the need to please anyone but myself. True, I may not have much of a "life" right now - I basically eat, sleep, shit, go to work, come home, pet Miss Thang every now and then, do what I feel I am mentally capable of doing that day - but this light, simple routine has made all of the difference. It also could be that I know I'm going back to therapy and therefore my traitorous mind has settled down into a 'normal' pattern - which, of course, will make me look crazy and idiotic to the doctor. Sigh. I don't know, but I'll grab any feeling of peace that I can get right now.

The IRS has sent back a letter demanding more paperwork. Meh. So it's all copied and ready to send down to the post office on Monday morning. Overnight. With registered mail confirmation. I'm done playing with these jerk-offs. Obama promised me eight thousand dollars, and I want it, goddamnit. I want a real bed to sleep on and real dishes to eat off of.

Another semester is done at UMUC. I finished my Spanish exam last night, and am turning in my final crim report tomorrow evening before I go to bed. Then, a month to relax and get it together before the next semester - biology and web design, bleh, but it's seven credits closer to my goal. After this upcoming semester, I'll already be halfway done to a degree. Seems REALLY hard to believe - I feel like I've just started. I may have to start taking three classes at a clip so that I can possibly finish this before I'm too far from 40. It's not like my time is being filled with anything else at the moment, so what the hell.

In the last few days, I've managed to think - clearly - about my plans for the future and what I want out of life. And it's turned out that I actually still have dreams, unbelievably. I'd love to finish this degree, improve this house, I still have some hobbies on the back burner that I'd like to pursue again (tie-dying, beading, that sort of hippie shit, heh). And, of course, I want to travel, all over the world. I'd love to go back to Australia one day, maybe the U.K., South America - I'd love to see the Panama Canal or go to Costa Rica or Ecuador. Maybe that Spanish I took would be good for something, heh. I'm planning a huge blowout for my 40th birthday, some place that's exotic and impossible to get to without a lot of time and preparation, I'm going to do it up. One would think that Australia is exotic and impossible to get to - and it is - but it might be there, it might be South America.... or Antarctica. Shit, how many people have been to Antarctica before? I'd bet not many!

In any case, I'm going to celebrate my 40th, when it comes. I'm going to celebrate the fact that I am alive, and that I've fought all of these demons for so long and I'm still fucking HERE. For today, depression isn't going to get the best of me. Tomorrow, maybe I might not feel that way, but today - it won't. And I think that's the person that I really am, deep beneath all of the sadness and the pain.

One of my closest friends, who understands me better than any person walking, once said that I was steel. He's right.

.....

Not really feeling much like writing, but I'm forcing myself to, if only to give myself a rope to hang onto while I'm feeling down. I'm seriously trying to hold on. A lot of things haven't been going right, but that's par for the course, or so it seems.

The 8k tax credit that I'm supposed to be getting? Well, the amended return has now, as of Monday, landed in the IRS's "examination unit" - which basically means audit. Great. I can more or less kiss that money goodbye, because they ALWAYS find something wrong. I haven't been dishonest in the least about my taxes - can't afford to be, I work for the gubmint, for fuck's sake - but they'll find something wrong and they'll take all of the tax credit, or a partial amount. I'll bet you eight thousand dollars, hah hah. (sour sigh)

I'm looking for therapy again. I can't deal with the feelings that I've been having as of late, and the attacks are starting to come again, now at an alarming rate. I could barely keep it together at work today. Not a good sign, just not good. I've found one place that might be able to work with my fucked-up hours, but they're religious in nature and I'm a little (no, make that a LOT) leery of it. Still.. what have I got to lose anymore? If it takes swallowing a bunch of crap rhetoric to make me whole again, I'll swallow it AND like it. I'm sick of this. I am sick of being sick, tired of being tired.

I'm also scheduling an appointment with my primary doctor to get a workup. I also think there's something (no, a lot of things) physically wrong with me. I don't know what else I can go through that's worse than what I already have been. Again - what have I got to lose?

We lost another lead tech today at work. That's the second one in 4 months. They're never going to get anyone to willingly fill that position, it's too much work and too little compensation. The ex-manager I had is now branch chief (a good thing) and we have a new manager, who's nice.. but never there. Basically right now we're lawless, and it's not boding well for any of us. I liked the last lead tech because she whipped these assholes into shape. Not now. She left today, and it was sad to see the smile on her face as she was sailing out the door. They gave her utter fucking hell and I'll be the first one to say it - they treated her like crap. It's no wonder she didn't want to stay. Now? God, it's going to be rough.

No developments on the Eye Candy front. I've actually been going out of my way to avoid him, to be honest, because he sees me at my worst and I don't even want to try to impress him. I don't care what he or anyone else thinks. Fuck 'em all.

Classes going okay, I guess. Like everything else, I've given up caring. I fail these? Fuck it, what's the difference, I owe a shit-ton of money now in school loans, so what difference does it make if I fail? It's another thousand on top of more thousands. It doesn't matter. I'll be fucking fifty years old before I get that degree anyway, the way things are going. What good will it do me then?

Sorry. It's a downbeat post. I don't care. I AM downbeat, depressed, sad, overwhelmingly lonely and damned close to feeling suicidal again. What's the difference? What does anything matter anymore?

I have no one to tell me that it's going to be all right. No one. And even if I did, I don't know that I could ever believe it....

God, help me survive this endless fucking darkness...

Ack, snowed in.

I haven't been at work since Thursday evening, but that's good in a way. I've been relaxing, doing a bit of schoolwork, just getting things together. It's been a nice change of pace. I don't have work tomorrow, either, as the gubmint's closed.

I've been paying off my debt at a phenomenal rate. I just got rid of over 1500 dollars' worth of debt this weekend, and I'm on a roll to dump even more. My primary concern is getting those FICO scores up and my credit in good shape - I am determined to buy that house I want. Maybe not right away - I'm actually thinking about waiting for 7 years now as opposed to the 2 I was planning on - but it'll happen. In the meantime, I'm looking at houses in neighborhoods that I'm interested in. Again, the old waiting game. But I'm willing to play along, at least for now. My previous comment about Suze Orman, I take that back. I've read a lot of websites in the last few days that don't think too much of her strategies. Also, the fact that Oprah Winfrey endorses her doesn't say much in my opinion, either.

I haven't been around or written much because there's really not much to write about. Nothing's happened, good or bad. I've noticed that the attacks have dwindled to nearly nothing, and that's a very good sign, but I still don't consider myself out of the woods just yet. The last attack was about two weeks ago. I'm waiting on it to come again. We'll see.

I've noticed that staying away from certain people and places has greatly helped toward alleviating and discouraging further depressive episodes. This is very good, and I plan on remaining away from such situations. Unfortunately, my social life has again dwindled to nothing - but in some ways, it's really not that much of a loss, as I've never been a "people person" to begin with. I guess there's time to make new friends... at least maybe I'll try to. I don't know. Hard to do when you think most people are idiots, I guess.

The city is quiet tonight, thanks to the snowstorm making people unable to drive. I like it. I wish it was like this more often.

Anyhow, that's all for now, I suppose. Things are steady. I guess that's all I can ask for.

A strange kind of peace.

It's weird, but the last few days I've been feeling pretty good. I went out bowling today and hit the best game of my life (129... okay, so that's not awesome or anything but for me, it's the best I've ever done, so fuck you, heh)... then saw "Sherlock Holmes", which was okay at best (in my opinion, anyway. Robert Downey Jr. did do the title role well, I'll admit). Had a great sushi dinner at XS on Friday night. And watched the Ravens game on Saturday night, where they played horribly (did they deserve to lose that game, or what, ugh).

During the course of this busy weekend, I've realized that... I've not had a chance to be depressed, or upset, or anything. I can't remember when I've felt better, for all that.

I think that I'm truly beginning to let go of certain demons that have plagued me. How do I feel about that? Honestly... in some ways I'm sad that things never worked out in retrospect, I feel like I've wasted a lot of time and energy on certain situations (especially career-wise, I can't get that back). But at the same time... I'm no longer bothered by a lot of things, either. I can think of certain people that I was particularly disturbed by now and I'm just like... oh. Or 'whatever'. Sort of "who gives a fuck", which is a good attitude to have about people you don't like, heh. I'm getting healthier and stronger by the day, in my head. At least, I feel that right now. Whether it's true.... well. I don't want to jump to conclusions, I've been that route before.

But I do feel stronger today, anyway. Tired.. but stronger.

Anyway, I just wanted to post a quick update while I had the time to do so. School starts again on Tuesday... between that and the double shifts, I just may never write again, heh. (Not.)

Cheers.

The usual expected end-of-year post.

So, this is the part where I'm supposed to either rant or rave about how sucky/great 2009 was, right?

In truth, I don't think I really need to do that, as it's again all laid out for you on the blog if you care to go back and have a look. Were there any highlights for me? Honestly, there weren't - but neither were there any serious setbacks. I think this past year has been what I call a "transition" year.

I haven't made as much progress on my health, either physical or mental, as I would have liked. I am "better" mentally, though not where I'd like to be. And physically? Bleh, that's gone straight to hell, so I need to really focus on that this upcoming year. I'm fast approaching 38 now (God... really? ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh) and if I want any chance of avoiding the inherited family health difficulties, I need to get cracking on that. It might already be too late, to be honest. But I need to try, so.. that's a priority.

I haven't made much progress on my financial situation, either, though I've started a goodish savings account and I'm going to pay off what I can in 2010. I really want to be in the position where I'll be able to buy a house by the time I'm 40. I don't know where I'll go or what kind of place I want yet, but that's not important right now, as I'm not ready for it anyway. 2010 is the year to "get my shit together", I guess I'll say. But I really want to be in better financial shape than I am right now.

Career-wise, I'm doing a lot better. I don't necessarily like my job, and I don't want to take urine for the rest of my life (Jesus, no, heh), but I'm settled in and to a point where I'm riding the job instead of it riding me. We desperately need more staff, as we're short-handed (the last two Tuesdays and Thursdays have nearly been the end of me, I'm not kidding), but they say it's coming. I've heard that one before, heh.

Personally? A write-off. I haven't been paying much attention to relationships or anything of the sort. Now is not the time for that. I have too much going on with other issues to deal with such things, and I have a feeling that 2010 will also be the same as far as that's concerned. I'm just not ready mentally, physically, any of it. I might never be at this rate, but... it's important for me to get everything else straightened out before I can focus on the wretched state of my personal life, heh. Some things that I have had previous difficulties with are starting to resolve themselves, and that's a very good thing...but I'm just not ready.

I don't do "resolutions". It's a pointless waste of time and it only encourages one to fail. I prefer to think of them as loose long-term goals for myself. That doesn't sound so bad, maybe.

This time last year I was alone on New Year's Eve and curled up on my couch watching television. It'll be the same again this year, but hopefully I won't start 2010 depressed and having another attack. I really have been starting to feel better in the last couple of days, so let's hope for the best.
I have discovered an awesome little online community for the depressed and suicidal, so that has and will greatly help me. I would reveal the name of it, but... right now I kind of feel like it's my little secret "haven" from the world and all of the people that know me, so... if you really want to know, leave me a comment/mail/etc. and I'll tell you, because I wouldn't want those who need it to go without.

Second year in a row that the weather's been crap here for New Year's Eve. I don't feel bad for the idiots sitting down at the Inner Harbor waiting for the fireworks. I hope they get rained on but good, heh.

So, anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

2009 in a song? Let's see... I think this pretty much sums it up for me.



Happy new year to all.

Slowly on the mend.

The cold/flu/virus/whatever it is I had has come back, but I'm fighting it off with antibiotics and painkillers, what's left of the prescriptions that the doctor gave me. It was absolute hell waking up this morning, but the sore throat that was on fire earlier in the day has calmed down to the level of an annoyance in the background. Still, I am one miserable-feeling chick right about now. I'm hoping that I don't need to go back to the doctor and take more time off, because I don't have but 3 days' worth of sick time and they're starting to monitor these things down at work because of, apparently, "some people's excessive habits of using leave". Well, gee whiz Cholly, can we all guess who they're talking about? It surely isn't me.

Verizon's trying to hit me for a 700 dollar bill from when I disconnected the Fios in Towson. Major problem, but it won't be one much longer, because I'm disputing it. I hate this bullshit that these companies try to pull on me - first Target, now these people. I'll be damned if I'm going to get financially screwed for their fuckup. But we'll see.

Oddly, I'm calm today. I've not felt mentally well for a couple of weeks now, but today is a different story. I hope that I can get through the rest of the day, though, as it's Tuesday and the lab is, as usual, a madhouse. For once, Useless is actually helping me out though. We had a staff meeting yesterday and she was seriously called out for not assisting when needed - it felt good for a rare change that someone was sticking up for me. They've been consistently asking me if I need help, too, so... one point for me. May it continue to last.

Ocean City trip happens in 10 days. I really am looking forward to just getting away, even if it is by myself. Maybe this will be a good thing, just to take time for myself and evaluate where I am, what's going on, how I want things to be. New start, after all, the new year is coming up. It'll be time for a reflective post pretty soon, huh... not that a great deal really happened, but you know how that goes, traditional and all that bullshit.

It promises to be a busy night, so I'm closing this out for now... but I feel calmer right now than I have since Thanksgiving. It's a blessed relief.

Starting to feel better.

I'm not really in a talkative mood today, but I am feeling a little better - the cold/illness/whatever it was is clearing up, so I'm a bit happier.

I am still tired, though.

Just came back from the Pratt Library booksale. Utter madness. I've never seen so many people in one place in my life, but they were only charging 1.50 for a box of books, so... entertainment on the cheap is always good. I bought enough to satisfy my craving for a while. The Kindle is nice, but nothing beats holding an actual book in your hands, sometimes.

Speaking of... I think I'll go do that right now, and add in a nice, hot bath to boot. It's fucking cold out there.

Back later on if I feel like writing.