Wheeeeeee! :p

Wow, things have been going batshit crazy my way recently. I guess this is the time to do a massive (if I can) update. I've actually been wanting to write for a little while now, but I've put it off because I didn't want to try to type out a long post with that stupid cast on.

First of all, the hard cast on my wrist came off on Wednesday, though it's not completely healed as of yet - I still have a soft brace on and will have it on for the next six weeks. It's a fair trade, though, if I can wash my arm and scratch my own skin - believe me when I tell you that I'm relieved beyond belief. I am now able to dress myself, for the most part, as well as type with all of my fingers again. Still no lifting for a while, though - even a full bottle of water is too much for me at this point. Hopefully the swelling and bruising will go down soon.

(Warning: If you're squeamish about women's health issues, or if the word "gynecology" scares the crap out of you, proceed to where it says "END" in bold. I understand if you don't want to read about my female plumbing - trust me, I won't be hurt. :p )

I also went to the OB to discuss tubal ligation - just like I'd promised I would way back when. Apparently there are other issues going on, though, which means I need a pelvic sonogram and comprehensive bloodwork. I already know what's going on - there's a definite hormone imbalance and has been for some time, I don't need a return visit for them to tell me that. Question really boils down to, what are they going to do about it.

Oh, I cried throughout the exam. It was horrible. I just couldn't get a hold of myself. Thank Christ Greg was there to support me through it, or I don't know if I'd have ever stepped foot into the place. Luckily, my OB is very sweet and understanding of my fears - so I do feel I'm in good hands. I hated the exam, but I'm glad I went - this encourages me to take a lot better care of my health, I think. It's time I did that. I don't have the excuse of no health insurance anymore!

(END of squeamish portion of the program. You little pussy. :p )

School is going... eh, so-so. I don't think I'm going to get real good scores on the classes I have right now, but then I didn't plan on breaking my wrist and being in doped-up, intense pain for most of the semester, either. I'm not killing myself over it - if I fail, then I fail. I'll take it over again, I don't (and won't) have any other choice.

This has been a really crazy month, though. Work has been about the same, though we again have a new manager and he's making some pretty serious changes to the day-to-day operation of the unit (in this case it's mainly good things), so that's something to get used to. I've been settling in with life in general - Greg and I still have a wonderful relationship and we've been getting along great. While my guard is still up (mainly on an unconscious level now, though), I do think that things just may work out after all. We have plenty of time still ahead of us, so in the meantime, I'm just enjoying, enjoying, enjoying it.

Lots of events have been going on as well - we went to the Baltimore Book Festival this year, we're going to Kings Dominion in a couple of weeks, RenFest this weekend - then the holidays coming, and that'll be a big thing because it'll be our first together.... yeah. Life's been nuts, but it's also been a ball. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. :D

Of course, there's always that other shoe. But I'm slowly gaining faith that it just might not fall. Maybe.

Not much else to tell at the moment. My wrist is beginning to ache, though, so it's probably best to close out for now.

Extremely short update....

I broke my wrist last Thursday. I must now type one-handed, and quite honestly I'm in a lot of pain so this isn't going to be massive. Everything is more or less fine. No complaints. More when I feel better.

How's that for pithy? :p

Quiet, unproductive, but relaxing weekend.

Other than getting caught in the massive rainstorm we had on Saturday, it's been rather uneventful around here at casa Ray, which is okay by me. I finally got around to finishing my taxes, though it'll be weeks before I get the money back. Unfortunately, a rather severe miscalculation has rendered my refund about a thousand dollars less than expected. It doesn't bother me, but my mother insisted (and I do mean insisted) that I cancel her cruise. Which I did. Reluctantly. But she's already told me that she'd rather have a new refrigerator, a new air conditioner, an electric fireplace, etc. And since she'd been on that particular cruise before, I tend to believe her, though I still felt like shit when I talked to the Royal Caribbean rep.

She said that she was more than touched that I even offered, and was willing to spend that much money to do it. Eh, well... I wanted to, there's nothing really to be touched about, you know?

Though, I guess that I should take the compliment and not just throw it aside like I usually do, huh?

Haven't done much this weekend. I cleaned the cat's tray, scrubbed out the food and water dishes, did a little minor tidying up - but nothing heavy-duty. That comes next weekend, as I'm going to run through here and do 'spring cleaning' - not that there's much messed up. But you know what I mean.

I lead such an exciting life, heh. I honestly needed a little time to just kind of chill out, relax, enjoy my home and being on my own for a while, though. It's little things like this that reaffirm in my mind that I want to keep on going through life, you know?

Rambling. But I'm going to bed in a few minutes, so it's probably tiredness. Hopefully I'll have a good week.

Until next time.

Quick, though not satisfying, update.

I am still locked in a struggle with my more negative emotions as of late. I think that it's because I've been partially re-visiting painful memories in my head, and partially because a huge amount of people have let me down this week.

I haven't announced it or made a big fuss about it, but my birthday passed in the last two weeks. Although I'm well aware that I haven't said much about it (and those of you who know me well also know that I tend not to talk about it), there were a select few that DID know when it was and for their own reasons, failed to acknowledge the day, which hurt a hell of a lot more than I had expected.

I have had some very unpleasant conversations in the past couple of days, with more to come, unfortunately.

One good thing is that I'm absolutely not holding back my displeasure or anger at said people involved. I'm outright letting them know just how they've made me feel; devalued, not even worth a simple phone call or a text message. I've made that crystal clear to quite a few people in the past 48 hours. This isn't worth holding in anger or letting it fester - oh, HELL no. Those days are over.

If people piss me off, they're going to know about it. Quickly, immediately, and with zero hesitation.

I'm sorting out shit in my own brain right now, and not really paying attention to much more than that. I mean, I'm going to work, doing what I must. There's been some positive gain in that I've lost nearly 12 pounds since I began my personal "fitness quest", if you will, at the start of the year. It's beginning to take root in my stupid head that I need to take care of myself, because it's obvious no one else is fucking going to.

But I'm lost in my own "fog", if you will, at the moment. I just have too much going on as far as work and projects and personal development, blah blah blah. I don't have time for all of these negative things that are floating in my head, you know?

Still, they come. I wonder sometimes if it'll ever stop and I'll have peace.

Anyway. I haven't had a chance to write for a while, so I wanted to stop in. Hopefully it'll calm down some this weekend so I can catch up.

Until then.

Dropping in for a quick update.

The situation at work has improved over the past week, but it's been very busy as usual and I've not had much time to do anything but "take care of business", if you will. I should have more of a substantial update over the weekend, assuming that I don't just fall into bed exhausted and sleep the entire 48 hours away.

I will say that I've been considering a complete overhaul of this blog, the design, the features - pretty much everything. And the reason is that things have greatly changed for me since I first began this back in June of 2008 (has it really been that much time?). I don't really have the same outlook toward life that I used to. Nor are things really "that bad" any longer. But that does beg the question of - what IS my outlook now? I had (have? I still hesitate to use a past tense) pretty severe depression, and while that was a negative identity, it was still an identity. Now? I don't really know what my identity is, or if I have one at all...

Eh, this isn't a question to be answered 15 minutes before I get ready to go to sleep, I suppose. It was just a passing thought that went through my head just now, that's all.

A better update, and more explanations, tomorrow, I think.

Where is the time going?

It seems that I can barely keep up with things these days, but that might be a good omen. As it is, I should be in bed right now, as I have to work tomorrow (instead of shopping like all of the deal-seeking morons on Black Friday) - but I've been perusing the online sales instead. (Hey... I may be a deal-seeking moron, but I have enough sense to do it online.)

There's so much that I need. I don't know where to start. Do I buy things for the kitchen or the bathroom? Or the bedroom? Where do I begin? I have so many ideas and so little money - or time. I don't even know which way my head's spinning at the moment. But I'm not really stressing out too much over it all. I have time. I'm not going anywhere.

I've had a decent Thanksgiving. For once, the holidays aren't getting me down. I've decided to spend New Year's Eve in New York's Times Square. That should be the last place I'd want to go, seeing that it's overcrowded and crazy; but it's something that I really want to see once in my life - and 2011 is going to be all about me. I'm putting myself first.

Anyhow. This is really just a quick update, for now, but I'm planning on writing a bit more when I have time. That is, if I get time, heh.

More later.

I haven't disappeared.

No worries. Just taking a sabbatical from posting for a bit. Everything is fine. No depression, no attacks, therapy is going well. I'm not exactly feeling antisocial, just taking a step back and surveying what's going on around me. Nothing more than that.

I will most likely make some kind of a post before I leave for vacation.

All is well. Thanks to those of you that have asked.

At last, a bit of respite. But only a bit.

The pressure has been lifted a little now that I've turned in my crim exam - and let me tell you what, I think that's probably the hardest I've ever worked on an assignment since I went back to school last year. It had better get a passing grade, by Christ, or you will see one upset little bitch over here.

Powerpoint is a great program, but it takes forever to build ONE presentation. Who knew that it would cost me six days' worth of time? Sheeeee-zus.

Anyway, while other things are still bubbling away in the misery pot, things have eased up enough so that I can breathe some. I slept like the dead last night, the first time in ages. I guess that's because I was finally able to relax just enough so that I didn't toss and turn on the sofa all night long. How I miss sleeping on a real bed! I know, patience... patience... meh.

They recruited someone from one of the other units to stand in as the lead technician at work. The poor bastard. I give him three months, although he might be up for it, he's a little tougher emotionally than the last two we've had. Time will tell. He'll work with me on my transportation issues, because he also catches the same commuter trains that I do - this is a plus.

In a general conversation with Eye Candy, I found out that he's blissfully occupied with his girlfriend - in fact, moved here to be with her. So much for that, heh, but in a way it's a very good thing, as now I have no reason to be interested in him as anything more than a coworker. The second he said "girlfriend", I was like, "orly?" and all prurient thoughts that I might once have had shut down - instantly. Again, I'm thinking that it's likely for the best.

I'm not emotionally ready to get involved with anyone, anyhow. I'm learning how to.. well, be single, I suppose. Probably what I need.

Bleh. My quiet time is over, as someone just walked in the door. I don't mind working the early shift sometimes, as I get here earlier than everyone else and it's a rare change that this place is ever silent. The lights are off but for one, and it happens to be right over my desk, so I enjoy being alone here sometimes with just my thoughts, the darkness and the silence to keep me company. Unfortunately, when someone comes in, it's all dispensed with.

I wish that people would sometimes appreciate the beauty of silence and darkness. It's not as negative as one might think.

That's enough rambling for now, I suppose.

The week from hell.

I'm still alive, but it's been an extremely rough week. I'll tell more about it when I have time - as it is, I'm in bed right now and getting ready to more or less pass out. An update will follow soonish, though.

Just letting those of you who give a shit know, that's all.

On an antisocial kick recently.

I've blocked/deleted a bunch of people, mainly people I went to high school with, on Facebook. I'm actually considering deleting a lot more that I no longer talk to or want anything to do with. I guess that I'm starting to slowly accept the fact that there's no point in having people that don't talk to me or want anything to do with me knowing anything about my life.

Strangely, I'm okay with all of this. Sure, I feel sad. But... there's been too many bridges burned. I can't go back in time. Maybe it's best that I just cut all ties with the past... that way I can build a future for myself. Whatever that might be.

Maybe I should just start fresh... brand-new.

I'm tired tonight and I'm working on a headache, so I'll close out for now. But, yeah. Although I'm sad and regretful about a lot of things... it's like pulling a bandage off of an old wound. Yes, it's going to hurt - temporarily - but in the end it'll be so much better for me that it's gone.

Onward.

Just a quick note....

....seeing that it's Tuesday, y'know. Bleh. Everything is going all right, at least as far as I can tell. I haven't had much to say, but then nothing's been going on. Work, sleep, eat, repeat cycle.

Sheesh, I wanted peace in my life, but not this much peace edging on boredom. Goddamn.

Ah, well, I can't win no matter what I do, heh.

Will write more when I get a minute and I'm not too tired to do so (because despite the fact that "nothing's going on", work has been stir-shit crazy as usual and between that and school, I don't have time to lift my head. Probably a good thing).

Peace.

Still here... barely.

It's been a very, very bad month at work. No staff, no anything. I'm the only female down there. I've been pulling crazy overtime. I'm exhausted. Tired. Ready to collapse. I am not doing one fucking thing this weekend that isn't going to benefit me in some way, I can say that right now.

I am sick of this place, these people, this job. I am utterly fucking sick of it.

More complaining later on when I finally have time to do so... right now it's more urine and more idiocy.

God, help me get through this...

Whoo, brother.

This week is going to suck at work.

Thanks, that is all.

It's been a hectic week....

... and I'm really, really tired. Not much to say tonight, but I'll sum it up for you in a few short phrases -

Work? Sucks.
Social life? Improving.
Depression? Under control.
Finances? Worried.
School? Got a 98 on the crim paper. Go me.
Tired? Yep.
Going to bed now? You bet.

(conk)

Some stuff going on, not much noteworthy...

There's a lot of mess going on down at work right now, mainly with Useless (the other one that I've been wanting to get rid of for some time now). I think she's going to be fired. And trust me, that's a huge reason to cheer, as I've been wanting her gone for months now... but at the same time I'm ambivalent about it, because it means a good deal of the work is going to fall on my shoulders. But... hasn't it been anyway?

At least now they'll have a chance to find someone that actually wants to work.

Otherwise, all is somewhat calm in casa Ray. I had a really bad moment this week when I didn't think I was going to make my doctor's appointment tomorrow because of a schedule conflict at work, but in the end I prevailed. Put it this way - if they can give someone a week off because they were trapped in an elevator for 20 minutes, they can damned well give me an appointment to get the medicine that I desperately need in order to function.

(Yes, this is a true story. Useless has taken the entire week off because she was trapped in an elevator for 20 minutes on Monday. I swear to God, you just can't make some things up. It's not for this reason that I think she's going to be fired, but it sure doesn't help her case, now does it.)

Things have calmed down, and I feel a little better, though I'm going to talk to the doctor about maybe either adjusting my meds or getting something different. The mood swings continue, some very badly. They're just not coming as frequently. Also, the social anxiety is getting positively ridiculous. I don't even want to go out and see friends that I already have, never mind make new ones.

I want you all, the few of you that have continued to stick around, to know this, and it's important, please read it - my reticence and pulling away from you is NOT YOUR FAULT. It's my disorder right now, that's the only thing I can blame it on. I want to hang out, talk to you, have fun with you - it's my depression and anxiety that is the reason why I'm avoiding you right now. It is NOTHING you have done. If I seem like I have nothing to say right now, or that I'm hiding, or that I'm not talking to you, etc., it's me. Please continue to bear with me as you have been, and I promise that I'll work on fixing these issues. I want to be social with you all. I really do. There's nothing I want more.

Pretty tired now, so I'm going to hit the sack, but I'll write more this weekend. Thanks for bearing with me so far, if you're still around. You guys mean the world to me, and more.

<3

'kay, so... a quickish update.

I'm finally feeling okay enough to post a little bit, so here goes.

- Work sucks, as per usual. They really got on my last nerve today for some reason, but it's finally the end of the week. No hassles. But it's going to be taken up with...

- Schoolwork, heh. I'm approaching the end of my classes. Not hopeful for the crim course. The other, probably a B, if I can get off my lazy ass to do the overdue assignments. Pulled a B in the lib-sci course, yay me. At least that's proof that I'm not a complete idiot.

- My phone's pretty much died, it seems. Not receiving texts from most people. Sprint sucks ass, anyway. I'm looking at the iPhone as an alternative, but it's SOOO fucking expensive, ugh. We'll see.

- Kumari has the best fucking chicken tikka masala in Baltimore, bar fucking none.

- Cruise coming up in a few weeks. I have to shop. I hate shopping. That is all.

Other than that, my friends, it's been a dull couple of weeks. I don't know what my problem was last week as far as the anger's concerned. I think I'm off my medication schedules, have to get back on that. Meh. I've just been so bloody tired as of late... no energy whatsoever. I think it's the combination of school, work, the move, it's all just imploded and I'm exhausted.

Things should improve fairly quickly now that I'm more or less settled. We'll see.

Anyhow. That's it. What did you expect, a tearful goodbye line? :D Heh.

Bleh.

I keep meaning to make a post in here - I had a substantial one half written out over the weekend, but... for some reason I'm always too tired or too unimpressed with what I've written, or too something. As it is, I'm too tired even tonight. But.. I feel half guilty for not keeping up with it - which is stupid.

I've not been feeling real well as of late. I think my mental health's starting to slip again, but then I haven't been able to keep up with my medication schedule the way I should, either. Things have been just crazy ever since I moved. For the love of Christ, I wish I could just settle down somewhere and not have to keep moving on from place to place and get used to a new setting all over again every two or three years. I just want stability, I need it.

Meh. You see the frame of mind I'm in tonight, so I think I'll stop here. Hopefully I'll feel a little better soon... something's got to break.

The world's gone mad once again.

I've been so tired as of late that, again, I just don't feel like updating anything. I'm moved into my new place, but there's still so much work to do and very little time to do it. One of these days I'll get it together and have a relatively uncomplicated life, heh.

Maybe.

Anyway. Just wanted to let all know that I'm safe and well and all of that rot. I'll catch up with everyone when I can, I know I have lots of messages I haven't answered. That'll probably come this weekend. I'm starting to wrap up my first semester and that has to take priority for now, as well as work, so if I haven't gotten back to you yet, that's why. I will in due course. Be patient, bitches. :D

<3 you all. And stuff.

Last day in the old apartment...

By tomorrow morning, I'll be moved once again, this time to a nice, spacious apartment in the middle of downtown Baltimore. In some ways I can't wait for it - I'm thoroughly sick of Towson - but... God, I just don't want to move anymore. I've spent my entire life moving, it seems, and I've never been in a place any more than two or three years at the most. After a while, you just get... tired. And I'm starting to get too old to be moving from place to place to place to place. I know that this isn't even the end of it, because one of these days I'll buy a house when I know where I want to settle down for good. Question is... will I ever know that?

Forgive me. I am melancholy today. I sort of knew this would happen. I am just tired of it all, and it's the culmination of many weeks of stress. I just want it all to be over with.

I'll write more once I'm settled, promise, and thanks for bearing with me, Faithful Readers. It's much appreciated. I do think about you all, even though it might not seem that I do.

One of these days this song will fit... and I'll know that I'm "home". Wherever that might be.

Trying to hold on.

Work is pissing me off again, as usual.  I failed an assignment in my crim course (after working my heart out on it - I'm so hurt).  And never having any time to myself anymore.... it's all building up to a point where I'm ready to blow up.  I'm serious.  If even one person looks at me wrong, they're going to get hurt.

 

I'm so scared that I'm going to screw this school shit up.  I'm trying but things are so different than what they were 20 years ago.  I don't think this instructor understands - but then, since when has anyone ever understood my point of view?

 

The only good thing that's happened in the last couple of days is that I'm out of debt again, almost.  I have two more cards to pay off and I'm through, and one of them will be handled within the month. 

 

Otherwise... life is shit.

 

I need control to keep myself from crying... I'm at work.  Can't afford that.  But God it's so fucking hard....