Quiet, unproductive, but relaxing weekend.

Other than getting caught in the massive rainstorm we had on Saturday, it's been rather uneventful around here at casa Ray, which is okay by me. I finally got around to finishing my taxes, though it'll be weeks before I get the money back. Unfortunately, a rather severe miscalculation has rendered my refund about a thousand dollars less than expected. It doesn't bother me, but my mother insisted (and I do mean insisted) that I cancel her cruise. Which I did. Reluctantly. But she's already told me that she'd rather have a new refrigerator, a new air conditioner, an electric fireplace, etc. And since she'd been on that particular cruise before, I tend to believe her, though I still felt like shit when I talked to the Royal Caribbean rep.

She said that she was more than touched that I even offered, and was willing to spend that much money to do it. Eh, well... I wanted to, there's nothing really to be touched about, you know?

Though, I guess that I should take the compliment and not just throw it aside like I usually do, huh?

Haven't done much this weekend. I cleaned the cat's tray, scrubbed out the food and water dishes, did a little minor tidying up - but nothing heavy-duty. That comes next weekend, as I'm going to run through here and do 'spring cleaning' - not that there's much messed up. But you know what I mean.

I lead such an exciting life, heh. I honestly needed a little time to just kind of chill out, relax, enjoy my home and being on my own for a while, though. It's little things like this that reaffirm in my mind that I want to keep on going through life, you know?

Rambling. But I'm going to bed in a few minutes, so it's probably tiredness. Hopefully I'll have a good week.

Until next time.

A bit contemplative today.

It's Saturday morning, and it's raining here, finally, after a long dreary week of heat and unrelenting sun and horridness. I'm thoroughly enjoying the gray skies and the sight of the raindrops slamming against the pavement. It's been too long since I've seen it!

I've made a snap decision to go ahead and take a vacation - I've decided that I can no longer go on with my present course without going batshit mad. If I have to wait a little longer for the bed and the computer I need (because my old desktop broke down, finally, after nearly 7 years of faithful service) and the cookware and all of the other shit, that's fine. Because I'm burned out. There comes a time where you have to weigh your options. In this case it was keep on the way I'm going, make mistakes, lose my temper more and more often, and eventually risk my job... or spend the money, take the vacation, take time for myself to regroup and relax. Not much of a contest there, I guess.

So I booked a cruise to the Bahamas. Yes, I know, why another cruise, I hated the last one, didn't I? I didn't really hate it - I just didn't want to travel with my mother, and it showed. I'm alone on this one, and I think that I'll probably enjoy myself a lot more, if only because I don't have to worry about doing things and wondering whether or not she has enough energy to go upstairs for a cup of coffee without complaining. I also don't have to suffer her talking to complete strangers about how America's health system is so inferior to Canadian plans - I swear, she did that to me on that cruise we went on, she yapped on to everyone and anyone that would listen about how much we suck as a nation, etc., etc. In other words, she pulled the same bullshit that she's always pulled all of my life, embarrassing me in front of people and making me wish dearly that there was a hole to sink through. Is it any wonder I had such a rotten time? I didn't want to be around her. And that wasn't the extent of her mouth, either - but I don't want to get into that. I'm actually feeling somewhat all right-ish today, if a bit contemplative, so I don't want to upset the peace that I've finally managed to somewhat achieve.

Anyhow, I'm going on September 13th, almost a year to the day that I went on the last one. It's only for 4 days, and I leave from Orlando, so that's a big difference from the last time. I may do a couple of the shore trips, though the ones I went on in Canada weren't really worth the money in my opinion - but again, it was a different circumstance, in that I couldn't do anything strenuous because of my mother. Oh, I know, she said to go without her on stuff, but you know how that is, you feel guilty if you do. That's another reason why this one might be a better circumstance. The shore trips this time involve parasailing - which is a crazy-assed thing to do, especially for me, but I might just give in to temptation. That and frolicking with sea lions. I do love sea lions, they're really cool creatures. :D

Other than that, things are the same. I've made another couple of stabs at trying to get out of here and make friends, but as usual it's going not-so-well. Just the other day I was thinking to myself that I don't get listened to even online, heh. But as I'd mentioned before - this, too, shall pass, and so it has, for now.

I just wish these attacks would stop. But it is what it is, at least I'm not completely falling apart like I once was.

As usual, when I'm contemplative, the words come out like so much verbal vomit. I really wish I could get my head together enough to stick on topic and keep on track, but it never happens. This is truly "freestyle" - I just put it down as it comes into my head. It's a shame that I can't write anymore, because some of this shit would make a great book, if I ever had the inclination to talk about it. But I feel that I've lost all of my writing talent - I couldn't do it now if I tried. I spent too many years hearing people laugh at my efforts, however pathetic they were, and now I just don't believe I can do it any longer. Why do something if all I'll get is criticism and derision?

Of course, I could say that about nearly everything I've ever done, too.

Eh, enough of this downbeat shit. It's weird, but I'm sitting here watching VH-1 Classic (something I often do on Saturday mornings waiting for my cooking shows, because television is a wasteland until noon here), and there's a show on called "Metal Mania" that runs for a few hours. It's basically music videos of glam metal from the time I was in high school, and it's a huge, guilty pleasure of mine because I was so immersed in that culture growing up - it was basically my identity (and we did have a few stoners in the place, heh). I've outgrown it all now, of course, but I still sort of get a little thrill out of seeing Mötley Crüe or Cinderella or similar with their mullets and more makeup than most women prancing around on stage, heh.

Anyway... I have to say that some of these guys really made good. Take Bret Michaels, for example. He had what was (and still is, probably) one of the most-maligned glam metal bands of all time, that being Poison. People laugh at Poison, they really do, Poison is epitomized as being everything wrong with "metal" and rock, etc. And yes, they were most definitely cheesy, they have no defense there. But plenty of others were just as bad - hell, Twisted Sister and Dee Snider in my view were a hell of a lot worse as far as the cheesy factor is concerned. In any case, Bret Michaels has been through a fuck of a lot, healthwise, but he's still trying to work and make a career for himself, 20 years after glam metal has been shoved aside to collect dust in CD shelves around the world. I identify with that work ethic. He never did the drug lifestyle or dissolve into a pool of his own sick like everyone else, and that alone probably marks him as "different". I, being of a different sort myself, can identify. And I can respect him for that, so... as far as I'm concerned, Poison might be cheesy and 'lame', but Bret Michaels is a fuck of a lot better off than most of his detractors.

And, so, a cheesy and lame video for you all to end this Saturday. :p I'll write later if I feel up to it. Cheers.

P.S. I actually find this song incredibly cynical, not to mention beautiful.

A mish-mash of jumbled thoughts all wrapped into one pretty package.

I've been snowed in over here for the last week. Haven't had to work or deal with drug addicts or urine for nearly 7 days now. However, during the course of this massive storm, I've had to check every day for the operating status of the gubmint - there's a special website we go to in order to know whether we're open or closed - and in the course of reading several federal-related blogs, I've come across sentiments like these below:

"Those of us who work for a living are honored to support your lazy butt staying in bed...it isn't as if you woulda done anything had you been there!

Yep, what we need is bigger Government!"

(Taken from The Federal Eye, 2/10/09)

Or...

"The federal workers who had a day off today should have been required to shovel snow."

Or this little gem here...

"The Federal Government -- great "work" (and I'm using that term very loosely-- if you can get it. For us poor schmucks out in the occupied provinces who have to pick up the tab, it's not so good."

Okay. This is all I've got to say about this bullshit above -

1.) I'd telework if I could do so, but it's a little difficult taking urine over the Internet. If anyone's got a way to do this, bring it on and let me know, because I'd have rather worked than spent this entire week snowbound at home. It's not like I could get out of my house, anyway.

2.) The Washington Metro subway isn't running. Neither are the MARC trains. What do people expect me to do, walk from Baltimore? It's not happening. I can't even get down to Calvert Street, never mind D.C. If the public transportation doesn't run, neither do I. You tell me what to do, should I hang on to the back of a fucking snowplow?

3.) If you had to work all this week in a snowstorm, blame your employer - not me. I don't set your hours. If it were up to me, I'd let everyone have a free week off, pay you, the whole deal. This wasn't a vacation for me. I spent 3 out of the last 7 days going stir fucking crazy in this house - I know I've had at least one depressive attack, if not more. So as far as I'm concerned, those who are complaining can shove it up their asses.

This has been the biggest snowstorm.. well, ever. This is unprecedented. We here in Baltimore/D.C. are not used to this bullshit, this isn't Minnesota. People should not expect us to know what to do in a situation like this, because it's never happened. We just have no clue about how to cope.

In other news... I'm upset about my checking account. Some company on the Internet decided to pluck my debit card number out of thin air and run 320 dollars' worth of charges on my account. That was pretty much my entire paycheck for the next 2 weeks, so I'm needless to say furious. I've disputed the charges, of course, but since this is my checking account, I literally have no money until the next payday. In some ways, I'm lucky that I didn't have to work this week, because I'd be in serious trouble if I had. My debit card is my lifeline, literally, and the fact that I had to cancel it, that is also a source of fury. I knew that number backward and forward to the point where I didn't even need the actual card itself. Now I have to memorize a whole new number - good luck with that.

I'm working it out, but in the meantime I'm fucked. I will say one thing - do not, do not, do not do any business with a place called Digital River - they're somewhere in the wilds of fucking Minnesota. Apparently they handle some antivirus shit. I don't need such services, so I know damned well these charges are unfuckingauthorized. But I'll get it taken care of. I've reported them to the BBB, too. Let's see how they enjoy that little piece of news.

I did, however, pay off a good chunk of my debts this week. I'm not sure of how much credit-to-debit ratio I have now, but I know it's under 40%. That's good. That's VERY good.

Anyway, hopefully they'll clear these streets up soon so I can get out of here for a while. I don't really want to go back to work, but if they do call open tomorrow, it'll be okay - it's Friday. Won't be much going on.

No word on the crim grades yet. Doing well in the math course, surprisingly. And the IFSM is disgustingly easy. So far.

Okay, that's it for now. Nothing else doing.

Ack, snowed in.

I haven't been at work since Thursday evening, but that's good in a way. I've been relaxing, doing a bit of schoolwork, just getting things together. It's been a nice change of pace. I don't have work tomorrow, either, as the gubmint's closed.

I've been paying off my debt at a phenomenal rate. I just got rid of over 1500 dollars' worth of debt this weekend, and I'm on a roll to dump even more. My primary concern is getting those FICO scores up and my credit in good shape - I am determined to buy that house I want. Maybe not right away - I'm actually thinking about waiting for 7 years now as opposed to the 2 I was planning on - but it'll happen. In the meantime, I'm looking at houses in neighborhoods that I'm interested in. Again, the old waiting game. But I'm willing to play along, at least for now. My previous comment about Suze Orman, I take that back. I've read a lot of websites in the last few days that don't think too much of her strategies. Also, the fact that Oprah Winfrey endorses her doesn't say much in my opinion, either.

I haven't been around or written much because there's really not much to write about. Nothing's happened, good or bad. I've noticed that the attacks have dwindled to nearly nothing, and that's a very good sign, but I still don't consider myself out of the woods just yet. The last attack was about two weeks ago. I'm waiting on it to come again. We'll see.

I've noticed that staying away from certain people and places has greatly helped toward alleviating and discouraging further depressive episodes. This is very good, and I plan on remaining away from such situations. Unfortunately, my social life has again dwindled to nothing - but in some ways, it's really not that much of a loss, as I've never been a "people person" to begin with. I guess there's time to make new friends... at least maybe I'll try to. I don't know. Hard to do when you think most people are idiots, I guess.

The city is quiet tonight, thanks to the snowstorm making people unable to drive. I like it. I wish it was like this more often.

Anyhow, that's all for now, I suppose. Things are steady. I guess that's all I can ask for.

Back to the usual way of things.

Bleh. For some reason, I'm a bit more like "myself" tonight, meaning pessimistic. I don't know if it's because the weather's been so crappy lately (rain, which isn't the bad part - it's adding in the cold that makes it bleh) or what, but I'm just like...oh, God, people are fucking idiots and they act even more so when it's like this out. They can't drive, they complain and bitch (sort of like what I'm doing, haha), and are just such a pleasure to be around. /sarcasm

Don't say one word about how I'm turning into them, or you'll get a backhand across the chops. I promise you. :p

I'm more sleepy than anything, to be honest. I've adjusted to the medicine, but it still makes me feel drowsy on occasion. I did not increase the dosage like the doctor told me to, because I just can't afford it. If I keep at my current level (150mg of the Luvox), I feel fine enough to get through life and I'll be able to stretch it out over a two-month period. I know, I'm going against the doctor's advice, I shouldn't, bleh blah. I know that. But the doctor can afford 145 dollars a month for medicine - I can't. I'm a lowly grade 4 government worker who takes urine for a living, I'm not the President, heh. We need socialized health care, goddamnit. Canada has it, the U.K. has it, Australia has it. When are we going to join the ranks of civilized countries that actually CARE about its populations?

It's funny, but I was reading back over my old posts from when Obama was first elected, and I predicted that he wasn't going to be able to fulfill the promises he made. And so far... he hasn't. I was right - as usual. When are people going to start listening to me and not dismiss my opinions as crackers? :p

You know why I don't really get into political stuff? The reasons are myriad, but I'll start with this - as usual, it goes back to my bitch of a family and what they put me through. My mother was "an activist" - she dragged me along to every protest march she could find when I was growing up, and I eventually grew to hate it - and her. She was "a Communist and proud of it", and she wouldn't hesitate to tell everyone and anyone who would listen - my friends, their parents, their friends, etc. As you can imagine, this didn't make her - or me - popular with my friends' parents, and consequently they dismissed her.... and me. I lost a lot of friends over the course of my life because of her big mouth. Either their parents said that my mother was crazy and not to hang around me anymore, or my peers themselves would get sick of her spouting off about shit that they at ten or eleven couldn't understand anyway.

That's the first reason. Another reason is that I, myself, seem to be in the middle of the road on a lot of issues. I quite frankly am a part of Generation X in that I don't much care about anything that doesn't have to do with me directly. I also don't take a hard line toward one "party" or another as they seem to expect you to do here. I'm pro-abortion and pro-death penalty. I'm for gay marriage and I'm against economic waste. I don't take sides firmly on one issue or another - it is what it is. I once took one of those stupid quizzes on the subject and it stated that I was more of a Libertarian, which I guess is close enough to what I believe in. But I wouldn't apply a label to it. I'm just not political and it makes me ill when someone is too active in it - it's not that I don't respect people who march, I do. But it brings back way too many painful memories for me. I stay as far away from it as I can.

Believe me, I wish that I could sound a little more 'learned' in this blog than I do. But politically? It's painful for me, just like many, many other things in my life.

Man, my family fucked me up but good, didn't they? :( In retrospect, I'm very surprised that my previous and many suicide attempts didn't work - and very lucky. Because most people would have crumbled by now, with all of the issues that I've apparently got.

My mother found out that I was taking Luvox and she was like, "How much more are they going to find that's wrong with you? How much?"

Thanks so much. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have these problems.

These are the kind of people I spring from - insensitive comments like this are a way of life for my family. This is what they do. I'm almost used to it. But now you know why I just won't have children - I wouldn't subject them to this. And as we all know, the violence (physical or emotional) repeats itself. No, thanks.

Sorry for the downbeat turn this has taken - I guess the weather's affecting me, too. It's the start of the weekend, though, which is always good. I hope I'll feel better in a while.

Thanks for listening, if you've gotten this far.

Hmmm....

I've been busy over the last couple of days, and a lot has happened, but.. for some reason I just don't much feel like talking about any of it. Nothing bad, just... I think lazy is a better word for it. It's been cold as fuck here lately and I've wanted to curl up in bed and sleep it away. At least my wanting to stay in bed isn't because of depression! :)

I've had disturbing dreams about my family as of late, specifically my mother and brother, who were the two primary figures in my life while I was growing up. I can't really articulate them very well - as usual, I've partially blocked it out - but I've also neglected to write down my dreams. Usually if they've made a huge impact on my life I'll remember them on my own, anyway. I do dislike thinking about my family, even subconsciously. The more awareness I come to, the more that I realize that I just want to be done with them all - mother, brother, everyone. Sad, but I have to be truthful with myself. I've already "disowned" my father and have more or less told him so. One of these...no, wait.

I keep saying that one of these days I'm going to write him a letter, but... where else should I do it but here. Maybe when I'm less tired, I will. Tonight isn't a good night to do such things, as I might get upset and we don't want that, do we, kiddies.

One of my coworkers had urine thrown on him this week. Everyone's worst nightmare down at work. They tried to deny him six hours of leave, but he raised a huge stink (if you'll pardon the irony, hah hah) about it and he got it anyway. The way I see it is this - if Useless can take two weeks off for being stuck in an elevator for 20 minutes, I think this guy can take six hours' leave to go to the doctor to make sure that urine didn't get in his eyes, don't you agree?

That place is just ... fucked. Seriously.

We roll back the time in two weeks. I can't wait - it means winter is finally here and I love the cold weather (though I'm not sure about this early in the season).

No grade on the paper for crim yet. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I'm not getting a bad vibe from it, so... maybe I did well. Still waiting....

Brrr. My feet are freezing, so I'm getting into bed, and I hope the cat comes up and warms them for me. :D

Until next time.

If you don't want to hear it, don't read it - simple.

It's been a really hard, hellish week. Work is getting on my last nerve - both coworkers and offenders alike. Two more accounts bounced off of my credit union account where they shouldn't have, so now I'm in serious trouble as far as the financials are concerned. (It won't be for long, I have it in hand, but it angers me that people are fucking incompetent.) It's getting hot again, and I hate summer with a passion - if it could stay 50 degrees all year long, I'd be happy.

I'm amazingly okay throughout all of this - even just a year ago, all of this pressure would have given me the screaming meemies and possibly sent me back crying to the mental ward. As it is, it's simply a nagging irritation now. I just hate it when plans don't come to fruition, that's all - it means stress that I don't need to deal with.

My CSA interview is tomorrow. Please GAWD let me do well on it so that I can get out of the lab once and for all. I swear, if I'd known what this place would be like back last August, I'm not too sure I would have ever taken the job.

(sigh) Another day to get through. Keep me in your thoughts, if today is anything like the last three days, I'm going to need all the strength I can get...

Rain and laziness.

Not much of anything going on. I've had a couple of invites to places this weekend, but due to my stupid tailbone injury I've had to decline. For once, I wanted to go - perhaps this means that I'm feeling a little more social these days. But I've been through such hell in the last few years with this depression of mine that I don't want to assume that anything's over. Even now I can feel a headache brewing - so it's not quite as over as I want to believe.

I'm doing much better these days, though.

It's raining out and I'm just enjoying it. Somehow being lazy on my couch fits with a day like this.

Not much else to tell. I did get up off of my ass and clean a little, in the bedroom and in the kitchen.. so maybe I am starting to see a light in the tunnel. I don't know.

I just don't want to rush recovery. I'm so scared that it's all just temporary.

Time for the Flintstones and to curl up in a throw. More later this week, undoubtedly when I feel like shit from working, heh.

The hot weather has arrived... bleaugh.

I hate summer. Did I mention that last year? No? Then allow me to rectify my mistake, heh. I not only hate summer, I despise it. Disgusting humidity, stifling temperatures, stickiness and sweat. Blech.

Bill Hicks said it best in his routine on the 'Arizona Bay' album: "What are you, a fuckin' lizard?" Heh.

I've been doing a bit more planning for this cruise, and I can't deny that I'm honestly excited about taking the trip. I'm in the middle of planning land excursions - so far it looks like I'll be doing the Titanic graveyard/museum in Halifax, and the Salem Witch Museum in Boston, those ought to be really good. But mainly, I'm just interested in getting away from Baltimore and urine and stress, heh. It's not Sydney - I'd love to go back to Sydney - but it'll do. I'm happy with it. (Though as much as my mother's spending on this, I could have bought two plane tickets to Sydney. Jeee-sus.)

I'm losing weight like crazy. Most of my casual jeans don't fit anymore, and I've been hitching them up all week, heh. My T-shirts are getting baggier, too. I don't know what this Wellbutrin's doing to me, but I'm melting away, lol. I should be happy about that, but I'm curiously... apathetic. I guess it is a way to hide myself away from the world, and now that it's going away, I'm growing increasingly nervous. In any case, I need new clothes desperately, heh.

In time. Financial picture is not good at the moment. But I'll get through, I've always managed before and will do so again.

Otherwise, it's business as usual. I'm in a good mood, albeit kind of tired. I had a false alarm involving my mother's cat this morning - we thought she was very sick and needed to go to the vet - but it turned out that there was just another cat in the window and she was having a hissy fit. Eeesh - cats.

Until next time, cheers.