I had been feeling better about things for the last couple of days, but I find myself turning melancholy once again. The situation last week has taken more of a toll on me than I ever dreamed... and it's frightening because I don't know that I'll ever really recover from it.
Part of my therapy session this week dealt with that loss, and intense discussion about it. I had never really talked with anyone about it before (maybe because the circumstances were such that I felt a little ashamed of it). After a good deal of explanation, including specifics of the situation, my doctor said something that resonated with me... it not only made me feel a little better, but it's given me hope.
He'd said to me, "You cannot blame yourself. You have the hope of a normal, healthy relationship. Once you deal with all of the pain that you've been subjected to... you have a chance of being happy with another person. The other person in your situation does not. The other person in your situation has very deep issues, issues that are brain-related. Speaking from a psychological point of view, this person is very sick. They will never get any better or have anything more than what they have right now - because their pattern keeps repeating, over and over. They will not ever have a successful, healthy relationship... but you will."
It was like a sledgehammer had slammed into my brain.
I try to hold on to my doctor's words. I really do. It's eased some of the still-intense pain that I feel. It gives me hope that one day, one day.... I'll find a person that I can relate to and that can relate to me.
I've met someone recently, through one of the myriad online dating sites. We seem to have a lot in common, but... he recently dropped a bombshell that he was "legally married, but hasn't seen her in years", blah blah. He's told me 4 days after meeting me, so perhaps he's on the up and up, but... I just feel like I can't trust him. I know that it's because of all of the shit I've been through. I know that. I'm still speaking with him, because after all - we're only friends. It's not went any further, and even if it did, it wouldn't happen right away, as he lives in Florida.
Why can't I meet someone that's decent, honest, and lives HERE, for Chrissake?
Ah, forgive me. I really should choose better music... I'm listening to a song that reminds me of ... well, the situation. Oddly, the lyrics sort of fit....
Babe, baby, baby, I'm gonna leave you
I said baby, you know I'm gonna leave you.
I'll leave you when the summertime,
Leave you when the summer comes a-rollin'
Leave you when the summer comes along.
Classic Led Zeppelin. I love it so. Only right now it's full of pain.
The overwhelming anxiety has finally disappeared. But I know I'm not the same. I don't laugh or smile anymore. My appetite has been reduced to nearly nothing (not that that's a bad thing, as I'm losing weight like crazy, heh). And even the smallest of triggers can reduce me to a sobbing ball of mush.
But I'll get over this. It's not my fault.... I'm normal. I'm normal. I have to hang on to those words... I'll recover and I'll be happy. Won't I?
I wonder sometimes.
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
30 May 2011
03 April 2011
Tired (and somewhat depressive) rambling.
Can't sleep at the moment, so I figured I'd make a post and wait for these pain pills to kick in. Thank Christ for Excedrin PM, that's all I can say. This weekend hasn't been the best for me on either a physical or mental level, unfortunately. I ended up sleeping for most of the day today because I just... I don't know, the lethargy was overpowering and I didn't feel like battling it, to be honest.
There's a lot going on right now. I'm embroiled in a huge project at work where I more or less have to create a website for the department, and while I have the talent/ability/skill to do it, they're not giving me a lot of time to accomplish the job and I'm beginning to fall behind in not only this, but the other things they've asked me to do (not to mention my regular duties). I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and irritable. I don't even want to think about what might happen after school starts - what the fuck am I going to do then?
My notebook computer suffered a devastating fall on Friday afternoon, and the screen is useless, so I ended up having to spend 700 dollars on a new one - an expense that is very, VERY ill-timed. I was rather proud of myself for not completely losing control, but I'm sick inside about the whole thing. As usual, it just seems as if I can't win, no matter what I do.
Maybe I slept the entire day away as a form of escape. I don't know. I'm painfully aware that I'm still not very happy with my life, even though things have improved quite a bit.
When I went out on Friday night to get the new computer, I watched people walking around at the harbor with a sort of detached observation... and as usual, I felt out of place and alienated from what was going on around me. That, at least, hasn't changed. I find that as time goes on, though, it bothers me less and less.
Whenever I feel sad or lonely or even a quiet sense of desperation... all that I have to think of to snap me out of that mood is all of the failed relationships that have gone on before... or the last time that I tried to date someone. The last time that I tried to strike out in the romantic arena, I was violated. That's enough to make me feel more than glad to be alone. Sometimes I think that I'll feel that way for the rest of my life, but.... oddly, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it once did.
I simply don't want to be hurt anymore. If being alone is the price I have to pay for safety, for security... I will gladly pay it and be content.
Ah, hell, this is turning a bit toward the despondent, and I didn't mean it to be, as I'm not really depressed so much as lethargic and achy. Whiny, if you want to be blunt about it. :p As always, I'll probably feel better tomorrow or in a couple of days. I'm just laying here and hoping for sleep at the moment.
It's strange, because I've been eating the best I ever have these past few weeks (i.e., a lot of vegetables and fruit, not much meat, sensible portions, the "right things"), I've actually begun to lose a significant amount of weight, and yet... I feel like I've been spun dry in my Bosch, knocked around in a boxing ring, run over by a truck. It makes no sense. Perhaps my mind is fighting the progress that my body's experiencing, a psychosomatic response to the possibility of shedding the wall that I've been hiding behind for most of my life now. I know damned well that my weight is a hiding mechanism - no therapist has to tell me that.
The possibility of losing that mechanism is, apparently, too much for my cracked brain to handle.
I'm not giving up, though.
Anyway, enough of this complaining. Hopefully the Excedrin will do its job soon and I can get some shuteye.
Later.
There's a lot going on right now. I'm embroiled in a huge project at work where I more or less have to create a website for the department, and while I have the talent/ability/skill to do it, they're not giving me a lot of time to accomplish the job and I'm beginning to fall behind in not only this, but the other things they've asked me to do (not to mention my regular duties). I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and irritable. I don't even want to think about what might happen after school starts - what the fuck am I going to do then?
My notebook computer suffered a devastating fall on Friday afternoon, and the screen is useless, so I ended up having to spend 700 dollars on a new one - an expense that is very, VERY ill-timed. I was rather proud of myself for not completely losing control, but I'm sick inside about the whole thing. As usual, it just seems as if I can't win, no matter what I do.
Maybe I slept the entire day away as a form of escape. I don't know. I'm painfully aware that I'm still not very happy with my life, even though things have improved quite a bit.
When I went out on Friday night to get the new computer, I watched people walking around at the harbor with a sort of detached observation... and as usual, I felt out of place and alienated from what was going on around me. That, at least, hasn't changed. I find that as time goes on, though, it bothers me less and less.
Whenever I feel sad or lonely or even a quiet sense of desperation... all that I have to think of to snap me out of that mood is all of the failed relationships that have gone on before... or the last time that I tried to date someone. The last time that I tried to strike out in the romantic arena, I was violated. That's enough to make me feel more than glad to be alone. Sometimes I think that I'll feel that way for the rest of my life, but.... oddly, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it once did.
I simply don't want to be hurt anymore. If being alone is the price I have to pay for safety, for security... I will gladly pay it and be content.
Ah, hell, this is turning a bit toward the despondent, and I didn't mean it to be, as I'm not really depressed so much as lethargic and achy. Whiny, if you want to be blunt about it. :p As always, I'll probably feel better tomorrow or in a couple of days. I'm just laying here and hoping for sleep at the moment.
It's strange, because I've been eating the best I ever have these past few weeks (i.e., a lot of vegetables and fruit, not much meat, sensible portions, the "right things"), I've actually begun to lose a significant amount of weight, and yet... I feel like I've been spun dry in my Bosch, knocked around in a boxing ring, run over by a truck. It makes no sense. Perhaps my mind is fighting the progress that my body's experiencing, a psychosomatic response to the possibility of shedding the wall that I've been hiding behind for most of my life now. I know damned well that my weight is a hiding mechanism - no therapist has to tell me that.
The possibility of losing that mechanism is, apparently, too much for my cracked brain to handle.
I'm not giving up, though.
Anyway, enough of this complaining. Hopefully the Excedrin will do its job soon and I can get some shuteye.
Later.
22 February 2011
......
I've been off of work for five days now, and while it's been nice, I'm really kind of eager to get back again. I've accomplished a lot around the house, but I'm growing weary of that and need some outside stimulation, even if it's just minor chit-chat with my idiotic coworkers.
The truth is that I've been up and down for the past few days. Friday I felt fine. Sunday I felt fine. Saturday and today I've felt down and upset and emotional. I think that the loneliness is starting to wear me down.
Is this my life now?
I think I'm going to go sob for a while....
The truth is that I've been up and down for the past few days. Friday I felt fine. Sunday I felt fine. Saturday and today I've felt down and upset and emotional. I think that the loneliness is starting to wear me down.
Is this my life now?
I think I'm going to go sob for a while....
25 January 2011
Strangely disconnected... but okay.
Life rolls on as it always does. I go to work, come home, eat, sleep, feed my cat, do laundry, go to therapy - it's a long, never-ending but oddly comfortable routine. Still, I can't help but feel... well, weird. There are days, of which this is one, where I walk through life doing what I need to do, but I feel like I'm watching some fucked-up reality television program. You know what I mean? I eye situations from a purely "outsider" point of view. It's as if I'm there... but not there. And I'm actually okay with this, because I don't really want to be noticed, anyhow.
I'm really in a weird point in my life right now. While I won't be unhappy if I'm around people, I don't make efforts to be social or to 'strike out', and I'm happy with my own company 99.9% of the time. This IS a big change from the first time I lived alone, where I was almost always miserable and lonely. These days... well, I occasionally feel a bit lonely, but I can usually forget about it rather quickly - and when I think of actually meeting new people, spending time with them, it's... vaguely unpleasant to me. Even more striking is the feeling that I get when I think of meeting someone new in a romantic sense - I actually shudder with revulsion. I think that I'm either finally adjusting to being single/alone - and LIKING it - or I've lost so much trust in people that it'll be virtually impossible for me to ever open myself up in that sense again. Maybe it's a combination of both, I don't know.
I've been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD). The symptoms/characteristics fit me almost 100 percent. I have a very close "inner circle" (as close as I'll allow, anyway, which is not very), and I only trust a very, very, very few. Otherwise, I shun social situations. And now that I actually know I do this, and that it's NORMAL for AvPD people to do this... I actually feel an odd sense of peace. That I'm not a freak, that I'm not alone, that others feel the same way I do, that others are just as lonely and frustrated as I seem to be. I wish that I didn't have it, of course, just as I wish I didn't have depression... but both conditions are permanent and with me to stay. So be it. I'll have to make the best of what I have, even if it proves to be very difficult. Eh, well. My life's never really been what I'd term "easy", so why start now? :p
There's a lot of things that I've been meaning to do lately - there's a shit-ton of mail I have to answer (both E and otherwise), I've fallen out of touch with people that I've been meaning to talk with - if you're one of them, patience, I'll get to you eventually. Like I said, when I inhabit this strange place, I often shut out the world around me and concentrate on introspection. I think that therapy has really helped with my introspective qualities. I'm not focusing as hard on the negative as I once did, and I'm really trying to make improvements - and yes, to be good to myself. Still some work to go on that, though.
I've lost another 2 point something pounds. Doesn't sound like much, but I'll take any improvement I can get. I don't expect that I'll be able to take off enough in order to avoid the surgery, but I'm working it the best that I can. Again, I'm sort of in an apathetic fog when it comes to that, just as I have been with a lot of other things. That might be bad - as a matter of fact, I know it is - but right now I'm comfortable with where I am, so I'm not going to make an effort to change it.
I don't know that apathetic is the right word, though, because I DO care. Maybe it should be "fatalistic" - i.e., whatever happens, happens. I'm not going to create stress for myself over things that, for right now, I have no control over. My philosophy is "do what I'm supposed to do and let everything take care of itself". And that's what I'm doing, I guess.
Yes, I have a lot of regrets. But regret doesn't change what is. All that I can do is continue to move forward - and hope.
Strange, that word, hope. But fitting.
I'm really in a weird point in my life right now. While I won't be unhappy if I'm around people, I don't make efforts to be social or to 'strike out', and I'm happy with my own company 99.9% of the time. This IS a big change from the first time I lived alone, where I was almost always miserable and lonely. These days... well, I occasionally feel a bit lonely, but I can usually forget about it rather quickly - and when I think of actually meeting new people, spending time with them, it's... vaguely unpleasant to me. Even more striking is the feeling that I get when I think of meeting someone new in a romantic sense - I actually shudder with revulsion. I think that I'm either finally adjusting to being single/alone - and LIKING it - or I've lost so much trust in people that it'll be virtually impossible for me to ever open myself up in that sense again. Maybe it's a combination of both, I don't know.
I've been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD). The symptoms/characteristics fit me almost 100 percent. I have a very close "inner circle" (as close as I'll allow, anyway, which is not very), and I only trust a very, very, very few. Otherwise, I shun social situations. And now that I actually know I do this, and that it's NORMAL for AvPD people to do this... I actually feel an odd sense of peace. That I'm not a freak, that I'm not alone, that others feel the same way I do, that others are just as lonely and frustrated as I seem to be. I wish that I didn't have it, of course, just as I wish I didn't have depression... but both conditions are permanent and with me to stay. So be it. I'll have to make the best of what I have, even if it proves to be very difficult. Eh, well. My life's never really been what I'd term "easy", so why start now? :p
There's a lot of things that I've been meaning to do lately - there's a shit-ton of mail I have to answer (both E and otherwise), I've fallen out of touch with people that I've been meaning to talk with - if you're one of them, patience, I'll get to you eventually. Like I said, when I inhabit this strange place, I often shut out the world around me and concentrate on introspection. I think that therapy has really helped with my introspective qualities. I'm not focusing as hard on the negative as I once did, and I'm really trying to make improvements - and yes, to be good to myself. Still some work to go on that, though.
I've lost another 2 point something pounds. Doesn't sound like much, but I'll take any improvement I can get. I don't expect that I'll be able to take off enough in order to avoid the surgery, but I'm working it the best that I can. Again, I'm sort of in an apathetic fog when it comes to that, just as I have been with a lot of other things. That might be bad - as a matter of fact, I know it is - but right now I'm comfortable with where I am, so I'm not going to make an effort to change it.
I don't know that apathetic is the right word, though, because I DO care. Maybe it should be "fatalistic" - i.e., whatever happens, happens. I'm not going to create stress for myself over things that, for right now, I have no control over. My philosophy is "do what I'm supposed to do and let everything take care of itself". And that's what I'm doing, I guess.
Yes, I have a lot of regrets. But regret doesn't change what is. All that I can do is continue to move forward - and hope.
Strange, that word, hope. But fitting.
05 January 2011
This has not been a stellar week so far.
I've been horrendously busy, and I'm already experiencing consequences for it. I haven't seen my therapist for nearly three weeks now - not good. My determination to eat better and get myself into better physical shape has already been blown to bits, mainly because I'm too busy to even eat properly. I come home, have a quick sandwich, and that's literally IT for the entire day. I'm still eating the wrong fucking things. I need to get it together, what the hell is the matter with me?
I just have no time for anything anymore. I get up, I'm out the door in half an hour, I travel to work, I work my ass off, I get back on the train and come home, I finally sit down and eat something, but then I have to pay bills or do laundry or other household chores, plus take care of my cat (not that she requires much, but you know what I mean)... and I have to squeeze all of that into 2 hours before I go to bed and start the entire cycle over again.
I'm frustrated. I have no sort of life, my entire life is work-based, and I'm so exhausted at the end of the day that I can barely hold my head up. I WANT to exercise and go bike-riding or lift weights, I want to cook healthy meals, but how the fuck can I carve out any time when I either work or travel to and from work over 15 hours a day? :(
I need some kind of a plan. I just don't know how to even get started, and I'm scared to ask for help because I don't want people to think that I'm just too fucking scatterbrained to even control what goes on in my own life, you know?
Meh. This is a personal problem that obviously needs to be worked on. I desperately need to see my therapist soon - I do not feel grounded at all right now.
One positive thing today - I did join a meetup group for social anxiety. Seems kind of ironic that I'd join a social group for ... well, people with social problems, haha. But this could be what I need as far as breaking out of this loneliness and meeting new people. We'll see.
I just wish I could do better than this as far as getting healthy. I'm so sad today. :(
Sigh.
I just have no time for anything anymore. I get up, I'm out the door in half an hour, I travel to work, I work my ass off, I get back on the train and come home, I finally sit down and eat something, but then I have to pay bills or do laundry or other household chores, plus take care of my cat (not that she requires much, but you know what I mean)... and I have to squeeze all of that into 2 hours before I go to bed and start the entire cycle over again.
I'm frustrated. I have no sort of life, my entire life is work-based, and I'm so exhausted at the end of the day that I can barely hold my head up. I WANT to exercise and go bike-riding or lift weights, I want to cook healthy meals, but how the fuck can I carve out any time when I either work or travel to and from work over 15 hours a day? :(
I need some kind of a plan. I just don't know how to even get started, and I'm scared to ask for help because I don't want people to think that I'm just too fucking scatterbrained to even control what goes on in my own life, you know?
Meh. This is a personal problem that obviously needs to be worked on. I desperately need to see my therapist soon - I do not feel grounded at all right now.
One positive thing today - I did join a meetup group for social anxiety. Seems kind of ironic that I'd join a social group for ... well, people with social problems, haha. But this could be what I need as far as breaking out of this loneliness and meeting new people. We'll see.
I just wish I could do better than this as far as getting healthy. I'm so sad today. :(
Sigh.
24 December 2010
A Christmas rant, just for you.
I will open this post by stating that I am sick and tired of being made to feel guilty for the choices I make, especially by my so-called family. I just got off the phone with my mother (of course - didn't you all see this coming?), who asked me what I was doing for the holiday tomorrow. Well, now, duh - I talk to her at 7:30pm every day (shades of my grandmother, sigh) and she KNOWS what's going on in my life (i.e., nothing). What makes her think that I have any plans for the holidays? I mean, really? Does she not fucking pay attention to what I say to her?
So I told her the truth - it's just another day for me. I'll probably clean the house and unpack some more. "Aren't you going to eat?" Well, yeah, a tuna fish sandwich and a bowl of soup later, perhaps. What makes her think I'm going to eat anything other than that? What in her mind is making her think that I'm going to sit down to Christmas dinner somewhere with people? Then she does what I call the "oh" - saying the word in a half-surprised, half-guilty voice. I fucking HATE that. I really, really fucking hate that.
I swear that I don't think she really ever listens to what I say. Mainly because most of the time she's bringing up my brother or his problems or what he thinks or what he did. I. Don't. Care. When is she going to GET that?
Yeah, okay, I'm alone on Christmas Day, wah, boohoo, what a tragedy. I WAS okay with that decision up until now. Now? I feel like shit. She actually asked me on the phone if I wanted to come over to her house. "Why? You're only asking me that because you feel guilty that I'm by myself on Christmas Day and you think I'm depressed. That's the reason you asked, isn't it?" For once, she was honest and said yes.
Yeah, well, thanks, Mom. Now I AM depressed, because apparently my decision isn't good enough for you. But when is that new? When is ANYTHING I do ever going to be enough? I mean, I know I'm not my sainted brother who's just the apple of everyone's eye or anything, but Christ, I'm human too. When are you going to fucking realize that?
Okay. Now I'm angry AND crying. Jesus. Way to go, Mom, you score again. Thanks a whole fucking lot. Why couldn't you just have left me alone?
Someone wake me up on January 1st, please.
So I told her the truth - it's just another day for me. I'll probably clean the house and unpack some more. "Aren't you going to eat?" Well, yeah, a tuna fish sandwich and a bowl of soup later, perhaps. What makes her think I'm going to eat anything other than that? What in her mind is making her think that I'm going to sit down to Christmas dinner somewhere with people? Then she does what I call the "oh" - saying the word in a half-surprised, half-guilty voice. I fucking HATE that. I really, really fucking hate that.
I swear that I don't think she really ever listens to what I say. Mainly because most of the time she's bringing up my brother or his problems or what he thinks or what he did. I. Don't. Care. When is she going to GET that?
Yeah, okay, I'm alone on Christmas Day, wah, boohoo, what a tragedy. I WAS okay with that decision up until now. Now? I feel like shit. She actually asked me on the phone if I wanted to come over to her house. "Why? You're only asking me that because you feel guilty that I'm by myself on Christmas Day and you think I'm depressed. That's the reason you asked, isn't it?" For once, she was honest and said yes.
Yeah, well, thanks, Mom. Now I AM depressed, because apparently my decision isn't good enough for you. But when is that new? When is ANYTHING I do ever going to be enough? I mean, I know I'm not my sainted brother who's just the apple of everyone's eye or anything, but Christ, I'm human too. When are you going to fucking realize that?
Okay. Now I'm angry AND crying. Jesus. Way to go, Mom, you score again. Thanks a whole fucking lot. Why couldn't you just have left me alone?
Someone wake me up on January 1st, please.
11 October 2010
Improving bit by bit.
So I had a pretty good therapy session yesterday. My doctor says that I'm making progress, without drugs and without excuses. I've come to think of his office as "my personal screaming place", because more often than not, I rail and rant and cry my eyes out in there. It's to the point where he has a box of tissues on the ready, because I always, always use them.
There's no doubt about it - this is easily the hardest undertaking that I've ever experienced. But I can slowly feel my mindset, my attitude, my whole life beginning to change. I still have moments where I feel the utter blackness, the lack of a future... but new thoughts are creeping into my empty brain, the realization that someone else's toxicity isn't either my fault or under my control. And I'm learning to just let go.
That sounds like such an easy thing to do... let go. But it's not as easy as people make it seem. I'm learning, though. Slowly, painfully, but learning.
I had the beginnings of lonely feelings last night. Instead of doing what I normally do (which would be either sinking into a deep, depressive funk and cry, or search frantically for someone or something to give me external validation and make me feel better - neither of which techniques work), I sought to find something that would make me laugh. And by God (pun intended), I found it.
Observe below. Yes, it's juvenile as hell. Yes, it's hysterical.
(For those of you who aren't familiar with the televangelist craze of the late 80's, the guy above is Robert Tilton, who used to run a megachurch out in Texas someplace and had a network TV show called 'Success N Life', from which most of these clips are taken. I remember it well. They used to show it on crappy little independent TV stations that were desperate to fill their airtime. Robert Tilton's "church" was exposed in 1991 on ABC News as a fraud.)
In any case, just watching that silly, sad video made me feel a lot better. And I didn't participate in any self-destructive habits to accomplish it. Therefore... well, I'm pretty proud of myself.
I'm not confident enough to say that my life is better - yet. But it's on an upswing, and after all I've been through, I guess that's good enough for me.
I think curling up for a nap with the kitteh sounds like a fine idea about now. :)
There's no doubt about it - this is easily the hardest undertaking that I've ever experienced. But I can slowly feel my mindset, my attitude, my whole life beginning to change. I still have moments where I feel the utter blackness, the lack of a future... but new thoughts are creeping into my empty brain, the realization that someone else's toxicity isn't either my fault or under my control. And I'm learning to just let go.
That sounds like such an easy thing to do... let go. But it's not as easy as people make it seem. I'm learning, though. Slowly, painfully, but learning.
I had the beginnings of lonely feelings last night. Instead of doing what I normally do (which would be either sinking into a deep, depressive funk and cry, or search frantically for someone or something to give me external validation and make me feel better - neither of which techniques work), I sought to find something that would make me laugh. And by God (pun intended), I found it.
Observe below. Yes, it's juvenile as hell. Yes, it's hysterical.
(For those of you who aren't familiar with the televangelist craze of the late 80's, the guy above is Robert Tilton, who used to run a megachurch out in Texas someplace and had a network TV show called 'Success N Life', from which most of these clips are taken. I remember it well. They used to show it on crappy little independent TV stations that were desperate to fill their airtime. Robert Tilton's "church" was exposed in 1991 on ABC News as a fraud.)
In any case, just watching that silly, sad video made me feel a lot better. And I didn't participate in any self-destructive habits to accomplish it. Therefore... well, I'm pretty proud of myself.
I'm not confident enough to say that my life is better - yet. But it's on an upswing, and after all I've been through, I guess that's good enough for me.
I think curling up for a nap with the kitteh sounds like a fine idea about now. :)
03 October 2010
Weekends suck.
I’ve just woken and I’m not really coherent, still – but there’s sort of a heaviness in my heart, which isn’t too good of a sign. The weekends are definitely the worst time for me, because my mind isn’t occupied with work or other matters. I know that there’s a lot to be done around here with the house, cleaning up, unpacking and sorting (things that I still haven’t gotten to yet)… but I can’t seem to get up the motivation to do it. I think that some of that has to do with not facing the inevitable memories that will come with unpacking my things – easier for me to pretend that it all never happened.
People can’t understand why I constantly buy and replace furnishings, books, objects. I honestly think that’s my way of purging bad memories from my mind. I have a perfectly good mattress upstairs that I could sleep on – but in my head, that mattress represents pain, as a good deal of things happened concerning that bed that I don’t want to remember anymore. That’s why I want rid of it. That’s why I’m sleeping on this Godawful sofa. And quite honestly, I’ll be probably getting rid of that too soon. Too much associated with it that I don’t want to think about any longer.
Moving on has been a bit easier than I’d anticipated. I think it’s just a matter of filling the now-empty time with other activities, which I’m trying to do. Therapy has been a big help in filling up Sundays, because it takes so long to get there and back, so that’s good. And I’d had plans for yesterday, only they were waylaid because of a nasty headache. I still find that I’m physically unwell during the weekends, and that’s probably psychosomatic. It’s something to talk to the doctor about, I think.
I dearly wish I had more confidence in myself. That’s something that I’ve never held an abundance of, and it’s even worse these days.
Otherwise, I’ve been all right, I guess. The weekdays aren’t so hard, because I’m busy and my empty head is occupied with other things. It’s the weekends that I have trouble with.
But I will be fine… won’t I?
27 September 2010
Sinking into the abyss.
I should be doing my biology classwork tonight, but the truth of the matter is that I just don’t feel like dealing with it, or much of anything. It’s been a very rough couple of days for me, where my emotions have been up, down, back, forth, and Christ knows what else. Just another depressive episode, only it’s colored by the fact that I’ve discovered a few unpleasant things about myself – again.
I was abused as a child. This has been pretty much known to me for a while, but:
1. I did not know or realize the extent of the damage, which I have discovered via therapy is MASSIVE;
2. I am suffering from severe emotional abuse more than anything, which shocks me because I wasn’t aware that there was such a thing. Physical, sexual, mental, sure. But emotional abuse? Yet, that’s exactly what I suffer from, and it’s the worst of all of the four;
3. Just like all abusers, I myself have become emotionally abusive toward people that I’ve supposedly loved. This particular fact is the most difficult thing to grasp for me – I’ve turned into my parents, and it’s shocking and hurtful.
Now you know why I will never have children. Because the cycle of abuse would continue. And I would love my children enough to spare them that pain.
My therapist has recommended a book for me called “Born to Win”, which I’ve ordered, along with another book that I discovered on my own called “Healing Your Emotional Self” by Beverly Engel. It’s sort of a workbook, I guess. I read snippets of it on Amazon and immediately started crying, because that woman was describing ME.
I find that I’ve been crying a lot when I recognize my pain in other sources. It’s impossible to listen to either Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”, or “Wish You Were Here”, because they’re talking about me.
From “Us And Them”:
Black and blue
And who knows which is which and who is who.
Up and down.
But in the end it's only round and round.
And that’s how I feel. It’s all the same no matter what happens. I’m hurting and confused and scared. The more I do this therapy, the more afraid I feel. I seriously feel like I’m just too emotionally broken to heal. There is so much anger at so many people that I’ve suppressed, stuffed down, swallowed – how can I get it out? How can I safely get it out without alienating what precious little I have left?
That’s what truly frightens me. It’s the anger. It’s the incredible, all-consuming, furious anger that I feel at my parents, at myself, at my family, the people I know, once knew, might meet later that will inevitably hurt me. Just thinking about it makes my throat hurt because I’m trying to swallow down the tears that just come up, almost automatically.
What am I going to do? What is going to become of me?
Next to this, a biology assignment seems inconsequential.
26 September 2010
I'm getting out of here.
I've made a decision to take an extended sabbatical from everything that's online-related. That means Facebook, Twitter (I'll probably end up deleting my Twitter account altogether, that's how little I use it), maybe even this blog for a while.
I never thought that I'd actually WANT isolation from everything, but I think it's the only way I'm going to be able to get my shit together and decide what the fuck is going to happen to me. The only way you'll be able to contact me (if you care, anyway) is via Email - I will check that on a regular basis, if only to keep the bullshit stuff from overwhelming the account. Otherwise, I'm unavailable.
Something happened to me this weekend that I simply don't want to discuss. I will only reveal that it was very bad, that it's killed off yet another sliver of my heart (and I have precious little of that to give up at this point), and it's a huge, huge, HUGE setback to my mental health and well-being. It's made me hate humanity that much more. It's convinced me that I will never, ever try again to reach out to anyone for anything - if I want anything in this world, I'm going to have to rely on my own devices to get it.
And if anyone has any fucking complaints about it, too bad.
I'll come back when I want to come back, and not before. Maybe at this point I'll never fucking come back, but who would fucking notice anyway.
Fuck it all, fuck the world, fuck everything.
I never thought that I'd actually WANT isolation from everything, but I think it's the only way I'm going to be able to get my shit together and decide what the fuck is going to happen to me. The only way you'll be able to contact me (if you care, anyway) is via Email - I will check that on a regular basis, if only to keep the bullshit stuff from overwhelming the account. Otherwise, I'm unavailable.
Something happened to me this weekend that I simply don't want to discuss. I will only reveal that it was very bad, that it's killed off yet another sliver of my heart (and I have precious little of that to give up at this point), and it's a huge, huge, HUGE setback to my mental health and well-being. It's made me hate humanity that much more. It's convinced me that I will never, ever try again to reach out to anyone for anything - if I want anything in this world, I'm going to have to rely on my own devices to get it.
And if anyone has any fucking complaints about it, too bad.
I'll come back when I want to come back, and not before. Maybe at this point I'll never fucking come back, but who would fucking notice anyway.
Fuck it all, fuck the world, fuck everything.
25 September 2010
Crying once again.
At least life is somewhat back to normal...
I don't want to go into why right now, but things have been very hard for the past few days. I've been crying almost non-stop, thinking once again about killing myself and ending all of this fucking pain I'm in.
How can human beings be so cruel to their own? That's all I want to know... how. And why.
Fuck my life.
I don't want to go into why right now, but things have been very hard for the past few days. I've been crying almost non-stop, thinking once again about killing myself and ending all of this fucking pain I'm in.
How can human beings be so cruel to their own? That's all I want to know... how. And why.
Fuck my life.
25 August 2010
So. Life rolls on.
It might seem like a really bad thing to say, but as of late, my life has been more or less quiet and calm, with little to no flareups of the depression or anything close to it. Of course, that's not a bad thing for ME - I'm enjoying this stretch of peace immensely. However, I find that the peace has come at a cost. I pretty much no longer have any kind of social life or connections or obligations. I find myself in the same position that I was in thirteen years ago - alone, isolated, hiding from the world in my little living space. The only difference is that it's a house now, not an apartment.
And yet I'm not unhappy about it. I feel that I need to just stay away from people right now, do my best to heal from all of the stress and abuse and bullshit that I've seen and heard and experienced, and live for myself - something that I don't think I've ever learned how to do. I feel an odd thrill every time I pay my mortgage, or find myself planning a shopping trip - little things that the "normal" take for granted every day, but for me have been a constant struggle. Yes, sometimes I get very lonely - I won't lie. But if that's the price that I have to pay for some sense of order and normalcy, then so be it.
I'm completely turned off of any type of intimacy right now, anyway - physical, emotional, mental. I'm not ready for it, and may honestly never be ready for it. That's okay, right now. I find that it's okay to just not want to deal with humanity on any but the most superficial level at the moment. I need to heal, and to learn to live with myself, in whatever form that might take. That's why the therapy.
The first appointment is on Monday afternoon at 4pm. Would it be strange to say that I'm half looking forward to it, and half dreading it? I'm looking forward to it because I know it's the beginning of what may turn out to be the longest, hardest journey of my life - but I'm dreading it because I know, I know, I KNOW it's going to be full of incredible, paralyzing pain. You see, I've been in therapy, but I've never really told anyone a lot of the things that I've been through - I've never been able to stay with a therapist long enough to delve past the basics. Hopefully, this time will be different. As a matter of fact, my doctor called me personally a few minutes ago to confirm the appointment and said that he was looking forward to meeting me on Monday. None of my previous doctors ever did such a thing - so I consider it a good omen. I'm hoping that this will help me start to heal from all of the crap I've been through in my life, whether it was self-caused or not.
I am so ready to start to live and not just exist.
Work is somewhat a mixed bag - while some good things have happened in the last few days, other things have become irritants that I'm not going to be able to ignore much longer. As usual, it has to do with coworkers being idiots, only I think I've begun to find my voice as far as protesting such behavior is concerned. Where I might have once let my complaints fester unspoken and shred me up inside with stress, instead I've been speaking out and making my opinion known. Somehow I'm just not afraid anymore to say something, perhaps?
One of the possible "good" things is that I may be considered for the "customer service of the year" award - this will be my second year in a row that I've been chosen for it, should I win. Honestly, though? I don't want it. I've been made fun of in sneaky, snide little ways ever since I won it last year, and I don't want the burden of it again. I keep telling myself that everyone who makes snarky little comments is jealous of my achievements - and I know that, deep down. But I've had to deal with jealousy all of my life every time I've managed to do something well or achieve good things. It's funny, but one of my ex-boyfriends (specifically Matt) once said, "You always seem(ed) so afraid to show how smart you really are/were."
Well, no wonder. Wouldn't you be afraid if you knew that people were going to attack you with nasty, back-handed comments when you managed to achieve something positive or "win" a contest of some kind?
Meh. I had so much to say, but as usual it's all gone after a long, exhausting day at work. This week has been absolutely brutal, especially Tuesday. I've found that I need to take a Tylenol PM every now and then in order to sleep without pain. It's just another sign that I'm starting to get old and I'm not going to be in great health in a few years if I keep going the way I am. At one time, I could have cared less, but now... well, I don't know if I still don't care or not, but I want a shot at trying to improve things. At least, today I do, anyway.
Blugh. You all know what I mean. I'm too tired to try and correct myself tonight, heh.
Meh. I had so much to say, but as usual it's all gone after a long, exhausting day at work. This week has been absolutely brutal, especially Tuesday. I've found that I need to take a Tylenol PM every now and then in order to sleep without pain. It's just another sign that I'm starting to get old and I'm not going to be in great health in a few years if I keep going the way I am. At one time, I could have cared less, but now... well, I don't know if I still don't care or not, but I want a shot at trying to improve things. At least, today I do, anyway.
Blugh. You all know what I mean. I'm too tired to try and correct myself tonight, heh.
01 August 2010
Leave me alone.
I’ve been debating on whether or not to write another post, or indeed even continue with this blog at all. It seems a douchebag move not to, I guess, but circumstances have happened over the last few months where I’m starting to feel more and more uncomfortable with certain people knowing my thoughts or feelings. That’s bad, really, as it’s a move away from the sociability that I wanted. However, it could also be a sign that I’m starting to turn away from the situations and the patterns that made me the person I was, if one wants to approach it from a positive view.
So much has changed in the last six months for me. And I’ve not been coping well with any of it. But, as usual, the decisions have been taken out of my hands, and I’m left to deal with whatever fallout comes. I’ve been very much alone ever since I moved to this house, mostly by choice. I find that I grow more and more comfortable with hiding away as the days pass. Sure, I still cry a lot. But it’s easier to deal with my crying alone than to attempt to explain to anyone why – because inevitably, no one ever understands. At least I sort of get why things are as they are, and it’s comforting that I never have to explain anything to myself.
Guess that I’m also just putting off “leave me alone” vibes toward everyone, too. I go about my daily activities, and I watch people and the world from a disinterested, detached point of view, it seems. Back in my little glass box, I guess. It’s as if I’m a ghost, not really there, invisible. Some might find that sad, I suppose. I certainly see where it is. But it’s the only way I’ve ever found to cope that has ever worked for me. And now I have no reason to try to be any other way.
In the meantime, people are moving on with their lives. Getting married, having children, graduating from school…. moving on. I’m still the same as I ever was.
There’s more that I want to say, but as I stated earlier, I’m kind of uncomfortable now with sharing it. Perhaps there’ll come a time where I’ll feel better about things, but right now isn’t it.
I don’t want to hear anything about how I’ve been avoiding people. I know that already, it would be stating the obvious, and I have my reasons. I need a sabbatical from people, from situations, from drama, from life. I am perfectly fine and happy doing what I must do, and being left alone for the rest of the time. When I’m ready to peek out of the shell that I’ve retreated into, I will. Until then, I can’t be forced out, nor will I be. If I’ve been avoiding you, there’s a reason why, and I will request that you don’t take it personally, because it’s not based on that. If you don’t understand my request, I guess you’ll just have to live with that, because I’m not going to explain the reasons to you. Re-read this post and maybe you’ll get it.
I’ll eventually come out of this. I always do. But trying to force me won’t work.
It’s been a long, tiring thirteen years. I need time alone.
End of discussion.
So much has changed in the last six months for me. And I’ve not been coping well with any of it. But, as usual, the decisions have been taken out of my hands, and I’m left to deal with whatever fallout comes. I’ve been very much alone ever since I moved to this house, mostly by choice. I find that I grow more and more comfortable with hiding away as the days pass. Sure, I still cry a lot. But it’s easier to deal with my crying alone than to attempt to explain to anyone why – because inevitably, no one ever understands. At least I sort of get why things are as they are, and it’s comforting that I never have to explain anything to myself.
Guess that I’m also just putting off “leave me alone” vibes toward everyone, too. I go about my daily activities, and I watch people and the world from a disinterested, detached point of view, it seems. Back in my little glass box, I guess. It’s as if I’m a ghost, not really there, invisible. Some might find that sad, I suppose. I certainly see where it is. But it’s the only way I’ve ever found to cope that has ever worked for me. And now I have no reason to try to be any other way.
In the meantime, people are moving on with their lives. Getting married, having children, graduating from school…. moving on. I’m still the same as I ever was.
There’s more that I want to say, but as I stated earlier, I’m kind of uncomfortable now with sharing it. Perhaps there’ll come a time where I’ll feel better about things, but right now isn’t it.
I don’t want to hear anything about how I’ve been avoiding people. I know that already, it would be stating the obvious, and I have my reasons. I need a sabbatical from people, from situations, from drama, from life. I am perfectly fine and happy doing what I must do, and being left alone for the rest of the time. When I’m ready to peek out of the shell that I’ve retreated into, I will. Until then, I can’t be forced out, nor will I be. If I’ve been avoiding you, there’s a reason why, and I will request that you don’t take it personally, because it’s not based on that. If you don’t understand my request, I guess you’ll just have to live with that, because I’m not going to explain the reasons to you. Re-read this post and maybe you’ll get it.
I’ll eventually come out of this. I always do. But trying to force me won’t work.
It’s been a long, tiring thirteen years. I need time alone.
End of discussion.
14 July 2010
.....
Not really feeling much like writing, but I'm forcing myself to, if only to give myself a rope to hang onto while I'm feeling down. I'm seriously trying to hold on. A lot of things haven't been going right, but that's par for the course, or so it seems.
The 8k tax credit that I'm supposed to be getting? Well, the amended return has now, as of Monday, landed in the IRS's "examination unit" - which basically means audit. Great. I can more or less kiss that money goodbye, because they ALWAYS find something wrong. I haven't been dishonest in the least about my taxes - can't afford to be, I work for the gubmint, for fuck's sake - but they'll find something wrong and they'll take all of the tax credit, or a partial amount. I'll bet you eight thousand dollars, hah hah. (sour sigh)
I'm looking for therapy again. I can't deal with the feelings that I've been having as of late, and the attacks are starting to come again, now at an alarming rate. I could barely keep it together at work today. Not a good sign, just not good. I've found one place that might be able to work with my fucked-up hours, but they're religious in nature and I'm a little (no, make that a LOT) leery of it. Still.. what have I got to lose anymore? If it takes swallowing a bunch of crap rhetoric to make me whole again, I'll swallow it AND like it. I'm sick of this. I am sick of being sick, tired of being tired.
I'm also scheduling an appointment with my primary doctor to get a workup. I also think there's something (no, a lot of things) physically wrong with me. I don't know what else I can go through that's worse than what I already have been. Again - what have I got to lose?
We lost another lead tech today at work. That's the second one in 4 months. They're never going to get anyone to willingly fill that position, it's too much work and too little compensation. The ex-manager I had is now branch chief (a good thing) and we have a new manager, who's nice.. but never there. Basically right now we're lawless, and it's not boding well for any of us. I liked the last lead tech because she whipped these assholes into shape. Not now. She left today, and it was sad to see the smile on her face as she was sailing out the door. They gave her utter fucking hell and I'll be the first one to say it - they treated her like crap. It's no wonder she didn't want to stay. Now? God, it's going to be rough.
No developments on the Eye Candy front. I've actually been going out of my way to avoid him, to be honest, because he sees me at my worst and I don't even want to try to impress him. I don't care what he or anyone else thinks. Fuck 'em all.
Classes going okay, I guess. Like everything else, I've given up caring. I fail these? Fuck it, what's the difference, I owe a shit-ton of money now in school loans, so what difference does it make if I fail? It's another thousand on top of more thousands. It doesn't matter. I'll be fucking fifty years old before I get that degree anyway, the way things are going. What good will it do me then?
Sorry. It's a downbeat post. I don't care. I AM downbeat, depressed, sad, overwhelmingly lonely and damned close to feeling suicidal again. What's the difference? What does anything matter anymore?
I have no one to tell me that it's going to be all right. No one. And even if I did, I don't know that I could ever believe it....
God, help me survive this endless fucking darkness...
The 8k tax credit that I'm supposed to be getting? Well, the amended return has now, as of Monday, landed in the IRS's "examination unit" - which basically means audit. Great. I can more or less kiss that money goodbye, because they ALWAYS find something wrong. I haven't been dishonest in the least about my taxes - can't afford to be, I work for the gubmint, for fuck's sake - but they'll find something wrong and they'll take all of the tax credit, or a partial amount. I'll bet you eight thousand dollars, hah hah. (sour sigh)
I'm looking for therapy again. I can't deal with the feelings that I've been having as of late, and the attacks are starting to come again, now at an alarming rate. I could barely keep it together at work today. Not a good sign, just not good. I've found one place that might be able to work with my fucked-up hours, but they're religious in nature and I'm a little (no, make that a LOT) leery of it. Still.. what have I got to lose anymore? If it takes swallowing a bunch of crap rhetoric to make me whole again, I'll swallow it AND like it. I'm sick of this. I am sick of being sick, tired of being tired.
I'm also scheduling an appointment with my primary doctor to get a workup. I also think there's something (no, a lot of things) physically wrong with me. I don't know what else I can go through that's worse than what I already have been. Again - what have I got to lose?
We lost another lead tech today at work. That's the second one in 4 months. They're never going to get anyone to willingly fill that position, it's too much work and too little compensation. The ex-manager I had is now branch chief (a good thing) and we have a new manager, who's nice.. but never there. Basically right now we're lawless, and it's not boding well for any of us. I liked the last lead tech because she whipped these assholes into shape. Not now. She left today, and it was sad to see the smile on her face as she was sailing out the door. They gave her utter fucking hell and I'll be the first one to say it - they treated her like crap. It's no wonder she didn't want to stay. Now? God, it's going to be rough.
No developments on the Eye Candy front. I've actually been going out of my way to avoid him, to be honest, because he sees me at my worst and I don't even want to try to impress him. I don't care what he or anyone else thinks. Fuck 'em all.
Classes going okay, I guess. Like everything else, I've given up caring. I fail these? Fuck it, what's the difference, I owe a shit-ton of money now in school loans, so what difference does it make if I fail? It's another thousand on top of more thousands. It doesn't matter. I'll be fucking fifty years old before I get that degree anyway, the way things are going. What good will it do me then?
Sorry. It's a downbeat post. I don't care. I AM downbeat, depressed, sad, overwhelmingly lonely and damned close to feeling suicidal again. What's the difference? What does anything matter anymore?
I have no one to tell me that it's going to be all right. No one. And even if I did, I don't know that I could ever believe it....
God, help me survive this endless fucking darkness...
06 June 2010
The weekend of hell....ish thoughts.
After what can only be described as a horrific Friday and Saturday, I have finally calmed down a little bit - but the resulting destruction now spreads far and wide. When I get angry, by God, I do it right.
In short, I've probably lost another friend (not that I'm all that impressed with said friend right now anyway - maybe when my temper cools off I'll be sorry later, but right now, fuck them), and I've probably revealed a little too much of myself to another one. Neither of which I'm pleased about, but at this point, fuck it. I have nothing left to lose.
The truth is that I have too much to do, with school and work and all of that, but again I got the old "I'm too busy" excuse. Like I stated earlier, maybe I should just make myself unavailable, too - perhaps that'll get people thinking a little differently.
I'm still steaming mad over what happened. And this was a relatively unimportant thing, under the circumstances - so maybe it's just best that I turn my back on this situation and move on. It's not as if I invested too much of myself in it, anyway, and considering all that's gone on, it's just as well that I didn't.
The other situation, well, that'll all come to a head by this time tomorrow afternoon. I'll know for sure that I made a mistake by then, never mind "if" I did - I know I did. First rule of life when you're in a position like mine is never, never, ever reveal your true feelings to anyone, and I broke that rule last night, not only broke it but demolished it. Bad, bad idea. However, I am quite prepared to pay the price that I know is coming. It won't be so bad - just the loss of yet another person in my life, that's all.
Not that it matters, as they haven't been around when I needed them, either. No great loss.
I am bitter today. I know it. It doesn't really matter any longer. I'm not prepared to try again to disrupt what's been so far a lonely, dyspeptic, but hurt-free life. At least the only hurt that I experience is that which I cause to myself.
For once in my life I'm looking forward to going back to work. Maybe I'll start requesting overtime Saturdays - at least I'll make money instead of facing demons I don't want to, or need to face.
In short, I've probably lost another friend (not that I'm all that impressed with said friend right now anyway - maybe when my temper cools off I'll be sorry later, but right now, fuck them), and I've probably revealed a little too much of myself to another one. Neither of which I'm pleased about, but at this point, fuck it. I have nothing left to lose.
The truth is that I have too much to do, with school and work and all of that, but again I got the old "I'm too busy" excuse. Like I stated earlier, maybe I should just make myself unavailable, too - perhaps that'll get people thinking a little differently.
I'm still steaming mad over what happened. And this was a relatively unimportant thing, under the circumstances - so maybe it's just best that I turn my back on this situation and move on. It's not as if I invested too much of myself in it, anyway, and considering all that's gone on, it's just as well that I didn't.
The other situation, well, that'll all come to a head by this time tomorrow afternoon. I'll know for sure that I made a mistake by then, never mind "if" I did - I know I did. First rule of life when you're in a position like mine is never, never, ever reveal your true feelings to anyone, and I broke that rule last night, not only broke it but demolished it. Bad, bad idea. However, I am quite prepared to pay the price that I know is coming. It won't be so bad - just the loss of yet another person in my life, that's all.
Not that it matters, as they haven't been around when I needed them, either. No great loss.
I am bitter today. I know it. It doesn't really matter any longer. I'm not prepared to try again to disrupt what's been so far a lonely, dyspeptic, but hurt-free life. At least the only hurt that I experience is that which I cause to myself.
For once in my life I'm looking forward to going back to work. Maybe I'll start requesting overtime Saturdays - at least I'll make money instead of facing demons I don't want to, or need to face.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
