Angry at the world tonight.

I don't know why, but I've been feeling like shit for the last couple of days. Part of it might be that I've been working a whole bunch of overtime recently (unwillingly), but... tonight was just weird. I once again felt that sense of disconnection with people, with life, and I've been crying on and off all day today. It reminds me of the old days when the depression took over.

There could be a lot of reasons for it, of course; it's getting close to a certain time of the month (oh, shut up, whiners, and deal), it's been raining the last couple of days and therefore kind of miserable out... the holidays have finally arrived and I'm feeling pressure, my finances are getting kind of bad because of all of the expense, I've been working a lot, Greg's been working a lot... it could be any or all of those things. Tonight, Greg and I had a few awkward moments... I can't really call it a fight, because it wasn't, but... things were not as they usually are and I could feel it in the air. It bothered me. It scared me.

I'm trying so hard not to be pessimistic, but it just seems to be my second nature now, no matter how hard I try to look on "the bright side" of things. I've been screwed over, fucked with, made fun of too much to be any other way. I keep waiting for that shoe to fall. I'm trying not to... but I can't help myself. :(

I felt bothered enough to go looking up old "enemies", if you will. And things haven't changed. I'm still angry with them. I still want to take a chunk out of their heads. It's still the same stupid toxicity, years later. I can't ever allow myself to think it'll be any different. Why do I seek it out still? Is it something within me that won't let go? What is it that I want to hear from these people - "I'm sorry"? Heh... sorry lies between the words shit and syphilis in a dictionary. What difference will it make, hearing it now?

In one particular person's case, I guess I feel cheated of the chance to rip her fucking head off and shove it down the stem of her neck. That's what I really want to do - write her (or better yet, tell it to her face) a big "fuck you, bitch" note. There's something that she did that I cannot and will not ever forgive her for - even though the original situation is long over and I don't really care about it anymore, the fact that she fucked me over while it was happening.... well, that's enough right there for her to earn a permanent place on the shit list.

Actually, I'm mad at a couple of people from that time period, one of whom I couldn't get mad at before. So.... I guess that's progress, in a way.

I wish I could blank out the last six years - the last thirty years, really - and start over again.... sigh.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. I don't know.

Well, situation normal. It's all fucked up. :p

This past week has been absolutely horrendous. In the course of just 7 days, I've been feeling like utter crap, I've gained 3 pounds (putting me nearly back to the start of the year - when is this shit ever going to get better, damn it?), I've been harassed at work (I hesitate to say sexual harassment, but in truth that's exactly what it falls under) and now face the possibility of making a formal complaint, my mortgage went up by 40 dollars a month, I've lost my state tax refund because of the escrow shortage, and my cat's been puking up hairballs all over the house. I don't know if she's sick - she doesn't seem to be - but I'm a little concerned.

Fuck. Could this week have been any worse?

What absolutely amazes me is that for the most part, I've held it together and not crumbled to pieces. I keep reminding myself that things could be, and have been, a lot worse. Still, I didn't appreciate everything raining down on my head all at once, you know?

I was supposed to clean this weekend, but after all of this bullshit, I've pretty much boiled it down to "fuck this, I'll do what I like", heh. I am so tired, and it just seems that every bit of human contact that I've had recently has been nothing but a source of irritation. Though maybe it's nothing except paranoia, I just get this overwhelming sense that everything is either going wrong or is about to.

I look around and I see all of these things that I either want to do or, worse, need to be done... and I can't seem to find any enthusiasm or will to do any of it. It's like, what's the point?

Even my therapy recently hasn't much helped this sense of impending doom.

Maybe I'm just going through a bad patch right now, I don't know, but I wish it would stop.

Okay, bitching over. :p /complaint

This has not been a stellar week so far.

I've been horrendously busy, and I'm already experiencing consequences for it. I haven't seen my therapist for nearly three weeks now - not good. My determination to eat better and get myself into better physical shape has already been blown to bits, mainly because I'm too busy to even eat properly. I come home, have a quick sandwich, and that's literally IT for the entire day. I'm still eating the wrong fucking things. I need to get it together, what the hell is the matter with me?

I just have no time for anything anymore. I get up, I'm out the door in half an hour, I travel to work, I work my ass off, I get back on the train and come home, I finally sit down and eat something, but then I have to pay bills or do laundry or other household chores, plus take care of my cat (not that she requires much, but you know what I mean)... and I have to squeeze all of that into 2 hours before I go to bed and start the entire cycle over again.

I'm frustrated. I have no sort of life, my entire life is work-based, and I'm so exhausted at the end of the day that I can barely hold my head up. I WANT to exercise and go bike-riding or lift weights, I want to cook healthy meals, but how the fuck can I carve out any time when I either work or travel to and from work over 15 hours a day? :(

I need some kind of a plan. I just don't know how to even get started, and I'm scared to ask for help because I don't want people to think that I'm just too fucking scatterbrained to even control what goes on in my own life, you know?

Meh. This is a personal problem that obviously needs to be worked on. I desperately need to see my therapist soon - I do not feel grounded at all right now.

One positive thing today - I did join a meetup group for social anxiety. Seems kind of ironic that I'd join a social group for ... well, people with social problems, haha. But this could be what I need as far as breaking out of this loneliness and meeting new people. We'll see.

I just wish I could do better than this as far as getting healthy. I'm so sad today. :(

Sigh.

I'm a mean one, I'm Mr. Grinch. Apparently.

I've not felt too upbeat or positive the last couple of days. As usual, it comes from watching other people be cheery, happy, merry, looking forward to the holiday, blah blah. The only thing that I have to look forward to is a day alone in front of the television, and I know it.

Sometimes I just get so angry when I think of the things that other people are so lucky to have - family, friends, people to share occasions like this with.

I've been trying so hard to move on from my past and to deal, slowly, with the things that have been haunting and hurting me, and trying to be good about not projecting anger onto other people (especially those that haven't had a thing to do with what's happened to me). But, goddamnit, it's so hard today just not to cry and think, why me, what have I done to deserve this shit, does anyone even really give a fuck.

I know that this is just temporary, that this will pass, that I will eventually be all right. It's just so hard sometimes to go on, knowing that I have to rebuild what is essentially destroyed.

This is why I haven't wanted to deal too closely with the Christmas holiday, but now that it's merely a week away, it's getting shoved down my throat with the parties and the decorations and the constant holiday "specials" on television and the bullshit music, all of that. I'm sick of hearing about it. I wish that I could just go to sleep tonight and wake up 2 weeks later.

Anyway. Sorry for the downbeat post tonight. At least I'm not sitting in a hotel room in Ocean City and contemplating drowning myself in the surf. That's a step up, at least, isn't it?

Hmmm.

I know I haven't been around for quite a while. It's been, yet again, another strange week. Things have happened that are a little too painful to talk about right now (i.e, recent negativity), and yet... yesterday and today I've been queerly happy, contented, even somewhat settled. It could be that in letting go of what has been hurting (even as a vague, somewhat nettling ache), I have been rewarded with the feeling of peace.

It could be that I am finally living my life on my terms, without feeling the need to please anyone but myself. True, I may not have much of a "life" right now - I basically eat, sleep, shit, go to work, come home, pet Miss Thang every now and then, do what I feel I am mentally capable of doing that day - but this light, simple routine has made all of the difference. It also could be that I know I'm going back to therapy and therefore my traitorous mind has settled down into a 'normal' pattern - which, of course, will make me look crazy and idiotic to the doctor. Sigh. I don't know, but I'll grab any feeling of peace that I can get right now.

The IRS has sent back a letter demanding more paperwork. Meh. So it's all copied and ready to send down to the post office on Monday morning. Overnight. With registered mail confirmation. I'm done playing with these jerk-offs. Obama promised me eight thousand dollars, and I want it, goddamnit. I want a real bed to sleep on and real dishes to eat off of.

Another semester is done at UMUC. I finished my Spanish exam last night, and am turning in my final crim report tomorrow evening before I go to bed. Then, a month to relax and get it together before the next semester - biology and web design, bleh, but it's seven credits closer to my goal. After this upcoming semester, I'll already be halfway done to a degree. Seems REALLY hard to believe - I feel like I've just started. I may have to start taking three classes at a clip so that I can possibly finish this before I'm too far from 40. It's not like my time is being filled with anything else at the moment, so what the hell.

In the last few days, I've managed to think - clearly - about my plans for the future and what I want out of life. And it's turned out that I actually still have dreams, unbelievably. I'd love to finish this degree, improve this house, I still have some hobbies on the back burner that I'd like to pursue again (tie-dying, beading, that sort of hippie shit, heh). And, of course, I want to travel, all over the world. I'd love to go back to Australia one day, maybe the U.K., South America - I'd love to see the Panama Canal or go to Costa Rica or Ecuador. Maybe that Spanish I took would be good for something, heh. I'm planning a huge blowout for my 40th birthday, some place that's exotic and impossible to get to without a lot of time and preparation, I'm going to do it up. One would think that Australia is exotic and impossible to get to - and it is - but it might be there, it might be South America.... or Antarctica. Shit, how many people have been to Antarctica before? I'd bet not many!

In any case, I'm going to celebrate my 40th, when it comes. I'm going to celebrate the fact that I am alive, and that I've fought all of these demons for so long and I'm still fucking HERE. For today, depression isn't going to get the best of me. Tomorrow, maybe I might not feel that way, but today - it won't. And I think that's the person that I really am, deep beneath all of the sadness and the pain.

One of my closest friends, who understands me better than any person walking, once said that I was steel. He's right.

Strangeness.

I have had what can only be termed a strange week. Oh, it's not been unusual as far as particular moods or outlooks on life are concerned - I still more or less feel like shit and hate 99.9% of humanity, heh. But some things have happened that have been good, disturbing, and interesting - sometimes all at once.

First, let's start wth the good and get that happy, cheery, positive shit out of the way, shall we? Anyway, I believe that I've found therapy that may just work for me. It's right down the street at a clinic called Chase-Brexton. They've been around for quite a while, mainly focusing on the GLBT community in Baltimore, but they've expanded to serve everyone - and that includes mental health. So I actually DID call my insurance company - decided that I couldn't take any more bullshit, if I had to stay on hold for hours, so be it - and for once, they were actually pretty helpful. They referred me over to CBHS, so I get to talk with referral staff today. Oh, joy. The sarcasm is misplaced, though, in this instance - I need to get back on medication, or talk to someone I can relate to, I don't know. I'm dubious that any of this shit will help me, but at this point I've got nothing to lose but my sanity. (And possibly, my job, if I don't get right soon.)

Now, the interesting. (I know, it's out of order, but the disturbing will come in a moment, because it bothers me - a lot - and I may need peoples' thoughts on it.)

The interesting is only that I've managed to strike up a conversation with a guy that rides the commuter train with me in the mornings. That's it. I know, earth-shattering news, but when you live in an antisocial bubble and do your best to avoid any and all human contact, it's a big deal, at least to me. Of course, my workplace in its infinite wisdom has switched me back over to the evening shift, which means I won't get to see him for another month. Thanks, assholes.

Now, for the disturbing. And the subject of said disturbance may be reading here. If that's so, I will warn that subject now to stop reading, or be prepared to be a little hurt by what I say, because I feel what I feel, and your presence in my life doesn't stop those feelings. In other words, deal with it. Ready? Here it comes.

I have recently reconnected with a person that was in my life about 20 years ago, when I was a green idiot in high school. That person did something to me way back when to cause me to abandon the friendship - it's really not that important what it was now, something that was probably very petty. But as we all know, people with mental conditions such as I have don't see things that way, and they carry slights and hurt with them like so much luggage for years. This is no different for me.

And, additionally as we all know, I in particular do not forgive a slight very easily.

Anyway, I have been questioning myself as to what my real motive is for getting back in touch with this person. Is it so that I can take my very real and still very fresh anger out on them? Should I have gotten back in touch with them at all, or should I have just let sleeping dogs lie? And can I still do that? This hasn't gotten very far, after all, I haven't really updated this person on my life or what's going on with me - I just know about them. And from the pieces of news that I've received, they're simply not doing very well.

God help me, but in some ways I think it's poetic justice. They hurt me, I now wonder if they know what it feels like to hurt. I actually get some pleasure out of that - isn't that terrible?

I'm seriously thinking of just quietly walking away from the situation, partially because I think my motives are unclean (i.e., I just want to hurt them in revenge for hurting me all those years ago, which isn't the reason why someone should be coming back into a person's life), and partially because said person's life is in upheaval and full of drama, which is the LAST thing I need to deal with at this point in my life. I need uncomplicated and drama-free, and the appearance of this person isn't going to make it so. Not by a long shot.

Anyhow. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Like I said - a strange week. I have a paper due this weekend, which is good, because I'll actually have to concentrate on something other than my vacant head.

Must work now. Adios. :p

And so, here's the beginning.

Today, I've made a very real stab at packing, sorting and cleaning my stuff for moving - again. As I'm working, I feel a very real sense of sadness that, once again, it's come to this and I have to pull up what little roots I've established. I try to comfort myself with the fact that this is what could amount to being the very last time I ever have to do this, but it doesn't blunt the sadness that I feel. It's compounded by some very real issues that I'm facing in that I feel like I'm losing the last bits of support that I had for the last few years, which have been very difficult, as you know if you've been reading here with any sort of regularity. I'm not too sure that I'm strong enough to deal with it, emotionally or mentally, but as usual, the choice has been taken away from me - I have no choice but to deal with it, as I've had to deal with everything else that has been painful to me over the years.

I was telling someone recently that it'll be very, very hard not to just isolate myself from everything and everyone once I'm settled - because I know myself well, it might be what will happen. It's yet another cycle where I attempt to make effort to be social - it works for a brief time - then crash and burn, and back to hiding from life for a few years, to "lick my wounds", if you will.

People just don't understand or "get" me, nor I them. They don't understand why I'm not more excited about this house thing, they don't understand why I'm not head-over-heels happy about my grades (I got an A in my information systems course, don't know about the others as of this writing), they don't understand why I'm not more happy about my promotion at work, etc. That's just it - I am happy, okay, but I'm not manic-excited over anything. I can't seem to summon up that much feeling. And maybe that's what's wrong with me. I just feel nothing other than fatalistic, to be honest. "Oh, really. That's great, thanks." Sort of like, I'll take whatever comes, be it good news or a slap in the face, with my fully expecting the latter reaction to happen.

I was thinking the other day about all of the bridges I've burned behind me, and all of the ones that are pretty much on fire now, as I'm transitioning out of my old life and into the unknown. I don't go backward in time anymore, or I try not to. I've learned well what happens when you try to live in the past. Besides, most of my memories are bad, even if I thought at one time they were a good thing... a good example of that is the days where I was running a bulletin board. I thought for a long time that this was a good period in my life, but... when I think of it now, I just want to forget that it ever happened, for some reason. I wasn't a good person back then, nor did I accomplish anything of value. And all of the people connected with that time... they don't evoke any bad memories for me but at the same time I kind of just shy away from them, because I don't know them anymore. They're people I once hung out with, but they're not truly in my life now, nor would I think they'd understand me if they were. I'm in a different place and time... hell, maybe I'm in a different world altogether. The point is that anyone who gets close to me had maybe best be prepared for what always seems to happen... they're going to get left behind, because that's just what it's always been. And it's not of my own choice. They either leave me, or life takes them away.

Anyway. This is starting to take a depressing turn, not that I haven't half felt that way all day, so I'd best end here. If you got this far, that's great, but as usual I've had nothing productive to say, it's just a bunch of fucking whining. Now that I'm good at.

Later.

4am and wide awake.

I should be asleep, especially since I have an exam (the information systems) tonight, but no - I'm laying here with the light on and writing in here. I feel like I'm cracking up. Yesterday, the hell that I call my workplace attempted to tell me that I work this weekend - the same weekend that I have all of these exams and papers due. And I admit it - I lost it. I completely and totally lost it and started sobbing. Right in front of an offender. I have never felt so humiliated in my life, or so upset.

I am not proud of myself right about now.

But, I'm not ashamed either. I lost it, and I lost it because I'm burned out. I can only go so long, bear so much, be this perfect fucking saint that everyone seems to expect. I'm tired of everyone wanting something from me. After a while, you have nothing left to give, and I'm about at that point. I need to hibernate from life for a while. The end of this semester will certainly help that, but I wish I could take a break from school. Alas, my loan deferment will end if I do that, and I definitely can't afford it. So I'll have to enroll again, but maybe I'll take a couple of easy courses this time, just to recover from this stupid math shit. God, I hate math. I despise it, loathe it.

I have felt so sad this week. I don't know if it's a lingering effect from the last post, or because I'm going through some physical discomfort right now, or stress, or all three. But I'm tired of feeling sad. I just want some peace. Really, if someone were to ask me what I wanted above all, it's that - peace.

That's too much to ask, I know. But it doesn't mean I can't want it.

Godalmighty, just help me get through this day without wanting to bury a knife into myself.

Sorry I haven't been around for a while...

...but there's really not been too much to say. Things are the same as they've been. Work sucks, my depression still isn't cured or even under control, and the world spins on as usual. Doesn't seem to be much point in writing or even talking to anyone. I've been horrible about that as of late.. totally incommunicado. But I just have nothing to say, I guess.

I'm worried about myself. I have never felt this flat or uninspired in my life. It's not that I'm a screaming mess - hell, I think I'd feel better if I were. This is just... nothing. Blankness. No static on the dial. I got nothing.

The way it's going, I'll probably never write again at this rate.

Oh, no, not again....

I am not feeling well once again, this time physically or mentally. The cold is still sticking around, this is true enough... but all of today I've been snappish, impatient with people, just a general bitch to be around. God, what the fuck is wrong with me?

I know I have a lot of things on my plate - work, school, the holidays - but that's no excuse for this. It really isn't.

I don't know what else to do but curl up and cry... what the living fuck is the matter with me?

I wish that I could say things are improving, but... today just isn't one of those days.

Meh.

Finally, a chance to write.

This past week at work has sucked, heh, I didn't lie about that. We've lost a bunch of people, which makes me have to work that much harder, and it's getting tiresome, this business of watching people take a leak day in and day out. I really don't know why I'm bitching about it, since I'm still employed and there are plenty of folk out there that would scream to have my job... I guess it's just the usual run-down, day-to-day monotony that's getting me down.

I actually haven't been feeling very 'right' for a while now, not at least since I first got physically sick. I'm fine now, the cold/sinus infection/whatever the fuck it was has cleared up... but inside there's this queer "dead" feeling, like all of my emotions have taken a vacation. I mean, I'm "fine".. but not fine. If that makes any sense. I'm actually not very unhappy about it, as it allows me to focus on what I need to do at the present, which is try to get through work, get ready for the next semester at school, etc., etc. and yadda-yadda. It's still a strange feeling, though. I think maybe I'm cushioning myself for the fact that I will, again, be all alone for Christmas/New Year's, and that there's no point in crying about it. It is what it is - God, how I hate that phrase now that it's been overused to death!

I have no idea of what my plans are. Probably no plans at all. Laundry, cleaning. I really need to take care of some of this shit while I have the downtime, but it seems kind of sad that that's all there is to "celebrate". It's what I did last year, if I recall right, and had an attack shortly thereafter. I hope this medicine will buffer against that this year. But I guess I'll just have to see what comes.

Thursday. I don't want to go out there and sign in more drug addicts for tests, but that's exactly what I'm going to end up doing in about 20 minutes, bleh.

I might try and go somewhere this year. Ocean City might be nice, though it'll be cold... but what the hell, it's better than staying home and being all by myself, at least I can be all by myself in a different place. We'll see.

In the short term, I'm doing okay, I suppose. Dead emotional landscape, like I said, but maybe that's good.

Just noticed how many times I've said "I" or a derivative of it in this post... damn, it really is all about me, isn't it. Those few that read here must think that I don't think of anything else, or have anything else to discuss or contribute, but then again, the world at large really doesn't interest me right now. I didn't make this blog to be "clevar" or "interesting" or even anything but a personal bitchfest, heh. Sometimes I wish I could be a little more interesting, but that's all in the eye of the beholder, I suppose.

Anyway. This is getting too long and I'm tired and probably not making much sense anyhow. I feel that queer sense of ... I don't know. Like an attack is going to come, and soon, but I don't know when or where. I wish I could just live my life without fearing that.

Back to work.

Feeling sad and down.

I haven't been feeling real well as of late, as most of you already know. I was diagnosed with a viral infection and was ordered to stay home for part of the week - something I absolutely hate to do, I have the sick time but I don't like to take it - so I've been feeling like crap for the most part. My mental state has also not been good, for a couple of reasons....

What I am about to say may offend the few friends that I have left. If it does offend you, all that I can say is that I'm sorry, and that it's how I feel, and one of the things that I need to be in order to cope with my mental illness is honest with myself.

Some of what is making me sad right now is that I seem to be losing a lot of friends to what I call "The Great Pregnancy Wave of 2009". They're getting pregnant and... losing their sense of identity. Know what I mean? Suddenly it's "the baby" this, "the baby" that, here's the baby clothes baby crib baby sonograms baby names baby baby baby babybabybabybabybaby....

What happened to YOU? My friend? The one who has a separate identity from this person that is now apparently inside of them and has taken over every aspect of your life?

Look, I understand that it's an exciting time in someone's life, for those who choose to or can have children. And that's great, I'm happy for you - honestly. But when it starts to BE your whole life... it gets to be monotonous, boring, and for those who CAN'T have children, hurtful - because it makes them feel even less of a person than they already do. I have one friend that has not posted any kind of an update or has talked about ANYTHING other than her new baby... in over a year. Every single sentence is about how precious and sweet and beautiful her baby is, it cooed, it grinned, it belched, it threw up, etc. Not ONE word about how HER life is, how she feels, what she wants or needs. It's as if she has ceased to exist.

I am starting to realize that I have less and less in common with ANYONE anymore.

What bothers me even more than this, however, is that I'm doing my best to strike out and meet new people... and the people that I meet always have something about them that is a total dealbreaker.

This example is purely hypothetical - but please keep it in mind, because the real situation isn't that far off from what I'm about to tell you.

I met a person recently that I had a lot in common with, and we got along quite well... until they revealed to me that they absolutely despise homosexuals. And I mean DESPISES them - thinks that they should be stoned, thinks them ignorant and stupid and blah blah blah, so on and so on. I felt sick... because I don't at ALL feel that way. And the more I think about it, the more I don't want to hang around this person, even though it's the first friendship I've managed to make since Christ-knows-when.

It's ripping me up. Because even though I like this person, I cannot deal with the hatred. It's awful. It's senseless. And for me, it's a dealbreaker. I've felt horrible ever since that last conversation, because I can't bring myself to call them or to Email them or anything... I just don't want to know anymore. What if I were homosexual, or black, or whatever else one can think of that's been a target of hatred over the years? Would this person feel differently about me? How are they going to react when they find out I'm severely overweight? Will I change in their eyes?

It's a risk I don't want to take. It's a risk that I CAN'T take.

It hurts that there's still so much hatred in this world. It's why I've retreated for so long into a shell that I just don't want to come out of. Call me foolish for still desiring some utopia that will never exist, but... I have no room in my life for people that hate. I just can't and won't put up with it.

Consequently I feel very sad and just... flat today. I hope things get better. :(

Not doing too well.

I have felt a range of emotions today, most of them not good. From disconnection to anger to intense sadness, I've been through the wringer. I guess that this trip wasn't so good for my psyche after all, because I've been an emotional (and to a point, physical) wreck ever since. It's hard when you're criticized for 9 days straight and can't seem to get away from it... also hard to hear praises on high being heaped upon your sibling constantly at the same time.

I've given up ever thinking that my family will be anything but toxic to me. I'm not going to try anymore to gain their approval or their love. What's the point? It only gets me into a world of hurt. I don't even want anything from any of them anymore - no financial help, no contact, no nothing. I will do the basic minimum that I have to, and no more. I've taken major, major steps back in my emotional health and I can feel it.

It's times like this that I just want to drop everything and run away - to start over in a new place, new environment, where no one knows me and I can be who I am without any judgments or recriminations. But alas, this is real life and I can only 'escape' so much. Isn't that what I've tried to do all of my life? Escape?

In a way I'll be glad to go to work tomorrow - at least it's routine. I can go back to routine and just... try to repair the damage done.

Sorry for the "downer" post... not that I feel anyone's listening, anyway. I asked the question on my Facebook the other day, who would miss me if I never came back...

I got one response. That's right... one. At least that one person said something, and for that, Warren, I thank you...

I'm seriously about to just become a hermit. I won't get hurt that way....

Irritation rules the day.

I've been pretty pissed off for the last couple of days, and it's starting to show. There's lots of little things that are adding up to make me one miserable fucking bitch to live with. Work (of course), partially because this stupid bitch that gets on my last nerve still isn't gone yet... "this is her last week", so they say. They said that last week, too. And I'm getting really fucking tired of doing everything by myself. Escorting these idiots, signing people in, I have to do everything because apparently my coworker (the stupid one, not the bitch - there's a difference) is now allowed to come in from 12 to 7 instead of 10:30 like the rest of us. No, I haven't asked why - I don't particularly give a fuck why, because it's still going to inconvenience me, now isn't it.

The assholes at Target are getting on my nerves as well - this morning I woke up to an Email bitching instead of a phone call. And I can't get a hold of anyone, apparently, unless I pay these motherfuckers. So I did. But I guarantee you that come Friday when I have time to sit down and make phone calls, they'll be getting a nasty, nasty one. I've already canceled the account. Who needs this shit.

Add these to waiting for my fail grade in the crim course... desperately needing a vacation.... and pretty much feeling like almost everyone's let me down as of late, and well, it's not pleasant. It's just not pleasant.

I have one more fucking day before I get 4 days off, and I assure you that I am going to enjoy this shit. Immensely. I am so looking forward to not having to hear the stupid one ask dumb questions... the horse-laugh of the bitch... the offenders whining for their test results... Jesus Christ. I need a vacation. I need to be away from the fucking human race for a few days... preferably longer but I'll take what I can get.

And just as fast as the anger comes, it's gone and I'm left with incredible, overwhelming depression. I just feel like curling up somewhere and crying. I hate this shit, I hate it hate it hate it HATE IT. I am so sick of everyone in the fucking world asking me for shit, I'm tired of dealing with other people and their fucking problems.

One more day and I can collapse and not deal with the world for a few days. That'll be nice.

Nothing new to say.

I haven't been around because as the title claims... well, nothing new. I'm still in a sour, angry mood. I'm tired of stupidity, hypocrisy, the human race.

I'm still alive. But I debate on whether that's a good thing.

Meh.

Empty places and emptier faces.

As I'm sure you've guessed by now, the last few days have been craptastically awful. It's mainly been work, as usual, but my mental health as of late is also going down the tubes. I've been stressed out, tired, crying for no reason... meh. I have a feeling that I've taken on too much, way too much. Between work being what it is and the demands of the schoolwork.... even though in truth they're not asking for very much... it's just too much right now. Amazingly, I've been able to hold it together - so far.

I'm just waiting for the inevitable.

I wish that I could say that things were better, but they're not, to be honest. It's been too long since I've seen the doctor, too. And the therapist. I have an appointment for June 12th but it's difficult to wait that long. I'm skating toward the end of my medicine, too, so it'll be just in time... though I'm not all too sure the pills are helping me much. Doesn't seem as if anything helps the numb, deadness inside of me. No matter how many pills I get put on, nothing's ever cured that.

This stuff just helps me to function and fly under the radar, that's all. It's no cure. I'm starting to think that nothing's ever going to help me feel better.

Maybe that's just depression talking right now, I don't know. I do know that I'm just... spent right now, physically and emotionally and mentally, every way you can think of. I'm spent. I have nothing left to offer anyone.

When this is going to get better, I don't know. I don't know that it will.

Sorry for the downbeat post, but one thing I won't ever do in here is lie. You know what you can do if you don't want to hear it, right?

Off to bed.

The same old bullshit.

Tired of work. Sick of working with people that have the mentalities of five year olds. I know, I know, "be grateful you have a job". I am. I'm just sick of people that don't seem to realize how lucky they truly are right now. If they're so unhappy about the way things are run down there, they should fucking quit - it would make both them and me happy.

I've decided that from now on, I'm just not going to deal with anyone down there unless I have to in the course of work. That means no more favors, no more asking me for shit. I'm not willing and I'm not going to volunteer a goddamned thing.

See, this is exactly what happens when someone pisses me off enough. If I'm happy in a situation, I can't do enough for you. Need a day off? You got it. Want me to fill in somewhere? No problem. Extra weekends? Absolutely. Then piss me off... all of that and more will just go away, like it never happened. I have no problem with saying no to people, especially when I'm angry.

They've seen my last favor down there, I assure you.

Godalmighty, please let that position I applied for with the parole/probation assistantship go through. I desperately need out of here.

Otherwise, life rolls on. I'm doing okay except for this.

Meh.

A tiny light in the midst of the darkness.

I'm still feeling like shit. What else is new.

I find that I seem to do better with the Abilify when I take it at night, so I'm trying that for a while to see if I can stick with it. It's not looking hopeful, though - I've been sicker on this shit than I ever was on the Paxil, though at this point I can't tell if the SSRI discontinuation is still going on, or if the Abilify is what's causing me to feel this bad. Either way, I feel horrible, as if I've been scraped up from the bottom of a garbage bin.

I don't think I've even felt well since the beginning of March. At least that long. Maybe longer.

I'm more than conscious of the fact that I'm just not living any kind of a 'normal' life. It's weird, I get on Facebook and I see all of my friends' taglines and it's so obvious that I'm spheres away from them now.... it's about kids and families and proclaiming how great the last episode of ER was, and pretty photographs of children and smiling people and happiness. I see vacation pictures and silly apps (more like stupid, honestly, but that's my opinion) and all of this laughter and cheeriness...

... and I honestly just feel more alienated and isolated than ever. That's never going to be me. Ever. I'm lucky to get through a single day without crying or breaking down into tears or feeling like shit because the medicine is fucking with me. I'm lucky to be able to smile, never mind laugh. My life right now is struggling with depression, struggling with the fact that even though I say nothing to anyone or let on how I feel, that I'm honestly suicidal, even if only in the back of my mind - I won't act on it but I feel it, I feel it, I feel it. My life is crying silently where no one will see or hear.

Ah, Christ. So much for that light in the dark, I think it's been hopelessly extinguished.

I know it does no good to ask "why me". I know that. But Goddamnit, right now I do ask that - why me?

I don't think the Abilify is helping, to be honest, but I have to try anyway so that the doctor won't think I just gave up. Little does he know how close to giving up I feel right now.

Anyway. Off to bed to face another shit day. I am so close to saying "fuck this noise", it's not funny.

P.S. As a sidenote to the person that recently Emailed me and said for me to "cheer up, you'll never feel better if you don't"... if only it were that easy. Maybe it's that easy for you, dear, but my depression isn't some emo bullshit that comes and goes, okay? This is a real disease, and I suffer from it, and if you think I wanted this, you're stupider than I thought. Telling me to "cheer up" is like telling someone in a wheelchair to "get up and walk". Ain't that fucking simple, honey.

If you find my blog "too depressing" - then don't read it, it's that simple. I am not writing this to please you, or quite frankly anyone else. I'm writing this as something to make me feel better, and if you or others find it pleasing, I'm glad of it and I hope you'll keep reading it. But if not, c'est la vie. I'm done giving a shit if people disapprove - really.

'nuff said and good night.

......

I wish that I could say I'm doing better, but the simple truth of it is, I'm not. The new medicine is making me feel sleepy and sick, and I'm just not doing well at all.

I've applied for a new job. I just cannot deal with the bullshit down there anymore. It's with the gubmint, of course, it's even the same agency - just a different department. I requested a transfer to another unit today and got flat-out turned down - period. So... if they're not willing to help me out, I guess I'll have to help myself out. And that means applying to every gubmint position that I'm qualified for until I get something else. I have 8 months in - it's not a lot, but if I don't find something in 4 months, my year's probation will end and that'll mean I'm that much closer to security. Either way - I'm not staying. I'm tired of the unprofessional, junior high school style bullshit day in and day out. Fuck it.

It makes me sad to see my old posts back in August when I first got this job. I was so confident and so happy. Now look at me. It's the same bullshit revisited. Nothing ever changes.

This is such a long streak of bad... I haven't felt good in over three weeks. Jesus. It's got to end, doesn't it? Someone tell me that it'll be good again, please, because if this is what I've got to look forward to, I may as well put that bullet in my brain. I'm serious. I can't live like this much longer.

I am so fucking depressed and sad. Nothing is helping, absolutely nothing.

I need to sleep. Here's hoping I can get through the night without crying.

The end of another wasted weekend.

This track is seriously beginning to reflect my entire life, heh.

I like this better than the acoustic version, but they're both relevant, either way.

Sentimental - Porcupine Tree