Massive turkey-filled update!

As everyone can see, I've yet again done some major revamping of the blog.  I'm still not all that satisfied with the look; the red background with black accents is classy-looking (and as it's a combination of my two favorite colors, it's aesthetically appealing to me, personally), but... I sort of miss the "tight" look of the old black background with the cityscape header.  I really, really dislike the header now, but I don't really have much time to create a new one.  Once I manage to get some more time (yeah, right), I may fuss with it again.

In the meantime, you'll have to take what you get.  :p  At least it looks somewhat festive for the holidays.  I guess that's what I was trying to get at, but I think red and green as a combination blows chunks, myself.

I'm feeling better now that Thanksgiving is over and done with.  I had Greg and my mother over; she actually behaved herself for a rare switch.  My mother likes Greg (well, as much as she can like any man, I suppose); this has proven to be an extremely rare thing.  She's never liked anyone I've dated, and unfortunately that dislike has seeped into my relationships in one form or another.  I'm still convinced that she's angry and bitter over my father's betrayal all those years ago - which isn't my fault, but somehow I and my brother paid the price for that anyway.  But, anyway.... the feast was a success, at least in my view it was; so that can't be a bad thing.  Since Greg has to work a whole lot right now (the curse of the holidays, sigh), I'm spending my weekend just catching up on things; basic chores, putting up decorations (I know, since when did I decorate for the holidays???), listening to music, doing schoolwork, etc.

School is going fine, I guess.  I'm not all that convinced that the instructor teaching the public policy course actually knows anything of what he's doing, though.  But I have to try and get through it, as it's of course a required class.  The film course is as I'd expected, a lot of fun, and I've been seeing some really good black-and-whites as of late.  "Strangers on a Train" was the last one - Hitchcock, of course - man, was that Robert Walker character a creepy one or what?  Left impressions on me that'll last for weeks.

The job front is as always; nerve-plucking, irritating, lazy-assed coworkers that can't get shit right.  In other words, as usual.  But I did apply for a project specialist job with the same agency, and I made the referral list twice - which means two upcoming interviews.  God, I'm nervous.  I haven't had to do one of these in over 4 years, and I've never been good with interviewing; but, shit, I did the drug lab interview at the height of my depression and I managed to get that, so I suppose that I shouldn't worry so much.  In any case, I'm waiting on a call from the selecting officials, so we'll see what happens.  As always, more shall follow.

I'm making (as of now) fluid plans to maybe buy a new car; Greg promised to teach me how to drive and get this bullshit with the MVA sorted out.  I really think they fucked up down there; okay, I'm half-blind, but I know damn well I can see well enough to drive, so I'm going to try yet again and not go through the Medical Advisory Board, not yet.  I hope I won't need to, but we'll see.  I'll probably do this in March or so, if I do it.  Still pondering things.  Despite my woeful financial state, my credit is actually excellent (over 700) - now I just have to keep it this way.

Contemplating cancelling therapy for good.  I find that I need it less and less, and when I do go down there, I find that I just don't have that much to talk about anymore.  I just want to make sure that I don't need it because I'm healthy enough to go on without it, not because Greg's here and seems to be my salvation in everything.  That's exactly what I don't want to happen - Greg is a beautiful addition to my life.  But not "my life"; as I've said before.  Right now, things are going well.  We've celebrated six months together as of yesterday, and while it's not the wild limerance of the early days, it's comfortable and happy and we're establishing routines, getting to know one another well, spending time together.  It's proving to last beyond the initial excitement; and isn't that what everyone wants out of a relationship?

I've had a great deal to be thankful for this past Thanksgiving, and I'm incredibly grateful for all I do have.  I'm not very religious, admittedly, but I do think that blessings have finally come my way.  I'm determined to enjoy them, to not feel guilty for enjoying them, and to make the most of what I have and what I'll continue to receive.

Hey.... I think I've finally grown up.  :)

Anyhow, I've rambled on long enough, so I'll conclude here.  I don't get a lot of chances to write anymore, and even when I do, I find that I have little to really say that's different.  Perhaps I'll start doing the old "memes" again, or find something to expound upon that'll be interesting.  I'm really glad that it's not a bunch of complaining anymore.  I'm glad I'm not that person anymore.

I'm healthy, happy, loved, and fulfilled.  What more can one ask from life?

Ciao for now.  :p

For once, contemplation about social issues...

I've been meaning to write a post about this topic for a while now, but as usual life got in the way. However, as of late, I've been growing a bit disgusted about the attitudes concerning this subject that have been floating around.... so, of course, you know I'm going to shoot off my big mouth about it. :p

That topic is infidelity and relationships. Stop laughing, I've been in my share of relationships and have some experience with this. :p

Warning: the backstory to this is long – but it's worth a read and it'll lead me up to my point eventually.

The backstory that got me to thinking about this subject is this: I've been a “lurker” on a few relationship boards for quite a few years now. It all started when I was living in Georgia and was having trouble getting out of the shack, so I found this forum called, appropriately, Loveshack. It seemed a pretty level-headed place where I could get advice from people that seemed, well, sane. (Loveshack, by the way, deals with everything from parental issues to infidelity to abuse – it's not strictly for the “lovelorn”, per se, at least it wasn't when I was there.) Anyway, I received solid advice about what to do with my situation, I thanked them, and sailed off into the sunset. (Turns out that the advice I got was correct – and of course, I didn't follow it, which makes me wonder why I bothered to ask.) Only, I decided to stay and just read other posts – sort of a learning experience.

They have a forum called “The Other Woman/Man” that used to be really lively (but respectful). Over time, I read something about different “other woman/man” forums that WEREN'T as, uh, nice. Basically, there was (or used to be) a board war between an “other woman” forum (warning: pop-up intensive, make sure your ad blockers are on) and a place that, in their description, “lampoons” the other woman. (If you don't know what that word means, think National Lampoon. You'll get the idea.) Anyhow, I wandered over to both places to check it out for myself – and they weren't kidding, either. There was some nasty stuff exchanged between both places, let me tell you. And as awful as it sounds, I enjoyed every bit of the sparring between the forums. As an outsider with zero stake in which place would “succeed”, it added a bit of a vicarious thrill to my days – here are two sets of people, both of whom should know better, arguing over ethics. On occasion, both sides brought up really good points to think about amidst all of the name-calling and mud-slinging.

(You're probably wondering when I'm going to get to the point. Patience, my child. It's coming.)

I started to read other forums dealing with relationships and infidelity as well, trying to learn for myself about the pain of all sides of the triangle (and there is pain for all three people, I think). There is one particular board for the “BW” (their abbreviation for “betrayed wife”) which is particularly heart-wrenching. And it's made me think over the years about my position on relationships, infidelity, and what I'd want out of such things.

I used to be really nonchalant about this sort of thing. I didn't consider that a relationship particularly meant that I had a rope tied to someone's testicles and all I had to do was give it a pull to “keep someone in line”. I'm really still not that way about things. I think that after all of this reading and thinking, my main objection is if someone lies about their intent – what they WANT to do. “I want to sleep with so-and-so.” Okay, why would you want to do that? Give me a good reason. If I think your reason's solid, go ahead, but you're going to hear how I feel about it first. No, I probably won't like it, but if you have a really good reason that would trump my objections, I wouldn't even attempt to stop you. That's pretty straightforward, I think, and it's something that most reasonable people wouldn't argue with.

I think that a lot of what upsets me about infidelity is this: first of all, I think that a lot of people have the entirely wrong idea about what marriage is supposed to be, to begin with. Over and over, I read on these forums....things like, “he's the love of my life”, “marriage isn't supposed to be like this”, “we used to be so happy”, etc. I can break that down pretty easily – what does one think marriage is “supposed” to be? Marriage isn't a blissful dreamy state where you can ignore the hard, cold facts of life – life sucks, darling. You have to work, pay bills, sacrifice time and energy. If you choose to have children, that's a HUGE block of time and energy that you now must give to another person, and if you don't think your partner's going to be okay with that, best to invest in some birth control, honey. Because I can tell you now – a LOT of people aren't okay with that. And the “we used to be so happy” stuff – how does one know that for sure unless they can read minds? If someone's stepping out on you outside of your relationship, it's pretty obvious they WEREN'T happy, isn't it? That's where communication comes in, and if two people sucked at that BEFORE marriage, it sure isn't going to improve later.

Another thing that I've read constantly on these forums is the aftermath – there's two paths that one could take, which is reconciliation (otherwise known as the mysterious “R” in this world, heh), and divorce. This probably makes me more angry than anything I've discussed so far, because there seems to be a constant pattern with either option. In “R”, the end goal seems to be making the spouse who cheated literally pay for it with the rest of his life – either the betrayed spouse's way, or the highway. Now, I can understand a little of that for a while – but not forever. And a lot of these people that I read about seem to want it just that way, forever. For example, there's often talk about “conditions of reconciliation”, i.e., “this is what you must do in order for me to reconcile with you”. Some things I've read are:

“One of the conditions of R was that he not look at porn...”
“He has to agree to complete transparency (Facebook, Myspace, social networking, computer, phone)..”
“He has to quit his job, as the other woman works there too...”
“I want a completely new bedroom set, I won't sleep on the same bed as the whore...”
“He has to show me that he loves me, say nice things all the time, offer to do for me...”

And etc., etc. Let me address these point by point, as I think that every single one of them is completely ridiculous.

The bit about not looking at porn? Honey, you are in a DREAM world if you think you can stop a man (or a woman, for that matter) looking at porn. First of all, we live in America, last I heard, and a consenting adult has the given right to view or read anything they want – being married to someone who disapproves isn't going to stop them from looking at it if they really want to. And if that's a condition to stay married is that my partner tells me what I can and can't watch? Bye-bye, see you in divorce court. You're supposed to be my partner, not my parent. That is controlling to the nth degree, and it's probably a good reason WHY your partner would cheat in the first place. You don't like porn, fine, find someone else that doesn't like it too, and you're good to go. But no one has the right to tell a person what they can and can't watch or read. I'd be willing to bet that if this person was suddenly told they couldn't watch Oprah or whatever crap show they watch because it's “objectionable” to their partner, they'd blow a gasket. And rightfully so.

Transparency? This one isn't as ridiculous, but it IS suspicious. Why would someone not be transparent with their partner from the very beginning? I have a friend of mine that just married her husband back in July or so, and they are very much in love, happy, expecting a baby. Yet they have separate Facebook accounts, and always have. Why? Because they trust one another. If a couple doesn't have trust in each other enough so that they can have their own bank accounts, their own social networking accounts, etc., what are they doing getting married in the first place?

Quitting their job? Good luck with that in this crap economy. If your partner quits their job, you and the kids that you put ahead of your partner won't have much on the table to eat. Might want to think about that before you let the paranoia take over. I can understand being scared that your partner would take up with the other woman at work again, but if they're truly sorry about what they've done, they won't. You can't make someone be remorseful – they either are or they're not.

And buying the new bedroom, the new truck, the new whatever... that's just plain selfish on your part and quite frankly, I even see it as gold-digging in some respects. Okay, I understand bad memories being associated with a car, a piece of furniture, etc. But that's when you take that object and you make NEW memories associated with it – that's how you get over trauma. They say that if you get thrown off of a horse, the only way to conquer that fear is to get right back on him and try again. Same here. Paint the bedroom walls, screw your partner's brains out on that bed, have the truck detailed with new upholstery and features, etc. But don't just get rid of things because someone “sat” on it. I mean, seriously. When you get on a public bus, how do you know that all of your partners' ex-girlfriends sat on the same seat you're in that very moment? It's ridiculous. Again, controlling to the nth degree.

Showing someone that they love them? How do I even combat this ridiculous statement? No one can be “on” all the time, for one thing. Everyone has moments in their lives where, let's face it, they're just not very lovable, or even personable. I'm thinking that if someone didn't love a person, they wouldn't even stay in the relationship, or consider it – at least that's how I work, anyway, I don't know about other people. There are going to be times where I'm not going to feel like rubbing someone's back or doing the dishes or whatever ridiculous requirement would be expected as a “condition” of reconciliation.

And that's what really frosts my ass about this whole thing – all of these, in one way or another, are CONDITIONS for staying with the person that cheated. If they slip up in any way, shape or form, the betrayed person would yell, “You don't love me! You're cheating on me again! I'm going to leave you! You're a beast, a brute, you're hateful!” Yadda, yadda, yadda!

Jesus, I think I'd RATHER they left than be in a relationship with an axe hovering over my neck. Because that's what this would feel like, to me.

Now, understand – I'm NOT “for” cheating. I'm not at all supportive of people who step out on their partners (assuming that this wasn't okay to begin with – if two people in a relationship want an open thing, that's their business and I'm all for it). If a husband and wife choose NOT to have an open marriage, in my opinion they should both follow that decision. But, if it DOES happen, they both need to sit down and figure out what is going wrong – and it usually happens LONG before the affair does. Communication is the key to everything, after all. If two people sit down and communicate about how they feel, being completely honest about everything – I don't even see infidelity being a possibility. The problem is that people get together, and stay together, for the wrong reasons.

This is why I'm not planning on getting into another relationship until I know for SURE that it's for the right reasons, that it's the right time, and that the person I meet will have the qualities that I need and want. If that means that I will never be in another relationship, then that's the way it will be. I absolutely will not compromise on this, as I've been in too many relationships that have ended horrifically, for all of the reasons that I've outlined above. I've learned that I can get along just fine on my own!

I have more thoughts on this subject, but it's already become too long and unwieldy of a post, so I'll conclude here. But I'd love to hear other peoples' thoughts about this. Am I the only one that feels this way?

Improving bit by bit.

So I had a pretty good therapy session yesterday. My doctor says that I'm making progress, without drugs and without excuses. I've come to think of his office as "my personal screaming place", because more often than not, I rail and rant and cry my eyes out in there. It's to the point where he has a box of tissues on the ready, because I always, always use them.

There's no doubt about it - this is easily the hardest undertaking that I've ever experienced. But I can slowly feel my mindset, my attitude, my whole life beginning to change. I still have moments where I feel the utter blackness, the lack of a future... but new thoughts are creeping into my empty brain, the realization that someone else's toxicity isn't either my fault or under my control. And I'm learning to just let go.

That sounds like such an easy thing to do... let go. But it's not as easy as people make it seem. I'm learning, though. Slowly, painfully, but learning.

I had the beginnings of lonely feelings last night. Instead of doing what I normally do (which would be either sinking into a deep, depressive funk and cry, or search frantically for someone or something to give me external validation and make me feel better - neither of which techniques work), I sought to find something that would make me laugh. And by God (pun intended), I found it.

Observe below. Yes, it's juvenile as hell. Yes, it's hysterical.




(For those of you who aren't familiar with the televangelist craze of the late 80's, the guy above is Robert Tilton, who used to run a megachurch out in Texas someplace and had a network TV show called 'Success N Life', from which most of these clips are taken. I remember it well. They used to show it on crappy little independent TV stations that were desperate to fill their airtime. Robert Tilton's "church" was exposed in 1991 on ABC News as a fraud.)

In any case, just watching that silly, sad video made me feel a lot better. And I didn't participate in any self-destructive habits to accomplish it. Therefore... well, I'm pretty proud of myself.

I'm not confident enough to say that my life is better - yet. But it's on an upswing, and after all I've been through, I guess that's good enough for me.

I think curling up for a nap with the kitteh sounds like a fine idea about now. :)

Slowly getting used to the idea.

Now that some of the legwork in purchasing the house is done, I'm slowly beginning to adjust to the fact that in a couple of weeks, if things go right, I'll be a home owner. The only thing that I have to wait on at this point is for the seller to make a few minor repairs (that he's agreed to), and the appraisal. The appraisal is the big one, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it except for wait - so that's what I'm doing, and I'm not stressing over it. If it comes in high or breaking even, that's bully for me. If it comes in low, that's too bad for the seller, because he'll either have to lower the price (which I bet he wouldn't), or I walk away from the whole thing. Apparently, it's the way the RE game works. But my agent said that it's very, very, VERY unlikely that it'll appraise for less than what he's asking, because he's done too much to it in renovations - it'll go for way above what he paid for it.

And so I wait. Again. But I'm not killing myself over it. The hard part is done now. I don't have to think about it anymore until I get a call saying it's all clear.

I've already half spent the 8000 dollar tax credit in my mind, heh. Half of it will pay off the rest of my credit card bill - that'll be all over and done with, and I'll be glad for that. The other half, eh, probably sock some away in an emergency fund. Some of it to pay for the new washer/dryer I have to get now - the area has no laundromat facilities and I wouldn't want to haul my clothes down to it if it DID have one. (I am so fucking lazy it's not funny, heh.) I'll see what I'm going to do, I don't know. There's a lot going on. And a lot to think about. I'm already half "improving" the place in my own head, which I think is a good sign - it shows that I'm committed to this. It's time. Definitely so.

I haven't really done much this weekend. A lot of homework. My exams are next week. I'm ready for the information systems one. The math, well. We'll see, though I don't hold much hope. I'm STILL pulling an A in everything - for right now. But we'll see. My crim final paper is due next Saturday, too, but that won't be too hard. I already have an idea in my head of how to approach that. Term papers have never been an issue for me. I can dash them out in no time flat. It's the math and science bullshit I can't wrap my head around.

Otherwise, nothing doing. I should be packing - but no boxes. I'm looking around to see what I can find, but most likely, knowing myself, I'll be lazy as usual and buy them from Squallmart or something.

By the way, this is the washer/dryer I've got my heart set on. Nice, yeah? There was a time where I couldn't even begin to dream to afford that. Now look at me.

Goddamn. You know I'm getting old when I get excited about buying home appliances, lol.

More news as it develops.

Uhhh....

....I've seen a lot of stupid infomercials in my time, but this has got to take the cake. What kind of market do these people think this product will attract???

Best line: "It feels great on my abs." It sure sounds like he's saying 'ass', though, doesn't it.

I can just picture myself now in one of those damned things. Labels and urine cups flying everywhere, heh.



I am speechless.

Sigh, you can take the girl out of the South....but...

Which American accent do you have? Southern People used to hate Southern accents but now everyone wants one.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Happy 4th, for those of you who are American. To those of you who aren't...uh, have a nice day anyway. :p