Word of the week: discursive. (Snicker.)

In all honesty, I'm really feeling way too tired to post anything tonight. There's been a lot going on, though, as usual. It's funny how my life's turned from a slow-motion, depression-filled drag to one that's almost warp-speed and full of action. Is it bad to say that I actually long for a bit of ... well, I guess that "calm" isn't really the word I'm looking for, but perhaps I could use "dilatoriness" instead. (Hah... now who's the vocabulary vixen, Mr. Greg? Lawl.)

I was ruminating over my upcoming "end of year" post, thinking about everything that's happened to me since January. To be sure, this has been one hell of a wild year, and I'm sure that the last month and a half will be no different. In truth, I don't think I really want it any other way. After the last six years of pain, depression, sadness and tears.... I welcome everything that has happened to me in the last six months.

That is going to be one long-assed post, let me tell you.

So, a quick fill-in on everything that's happening:

- My (should be) final orthopedic appointment is tomorrow morning. The doctor will check out my wrist, but in all honesty, there's really nothing more he can do for me. My wrist is as healed as it's going to be. There's still some pain in the arm, a bit of stiffness, but there's not much I can do except live with it. I can use my arm again, I can write and type and lift things (though heavy items are still kind of unknown - I haven't pushed myself that far yet - once the doctor tells me for sure that the bones are healed, I'll try that out when I get the opportunity). That's all I can ask for.

- I dropped a heavy can of tomatoes on my big toe, and over the last few weeks, the nail's been slowly coming off - bit by painful, bloody, nasty bit. It finally fell all the way off tonight. Eeeeww. That's all there is to be said about that - just, eeeeww.

(This has NOT been a good year for me, medical-wise, unfortunately.)

- OB appointment went fine. There was a minor issue, but nothing that is life-threatening or massive, and I am in the clear until next year. Unfortunately, that's the year the stupid mammograms and Pap tests start - and Dr. Lynch is insistent about it, sigh. For once, I have a really great OB, though; she's sensitive to the fact that I have issues with this whole thing. Thank Christ for Fed insurance, man - I have the best doctors I could ask for.

Considering that I spent 20+ years abusing my body and never seeing doctors, ever, for anything - I'm amazingly healthy.

School is going well. The film class is a real blast - I love it. I get to watch movies with Greg on the weekends, which is not only accomplishing homework, but it's great bonding time as well. I love cuddling up with the Mister and watching the old black and whites or a good action film. I couldn't ask for a better way to do homework. :) The public policy class is, as I thought, boring, but it's flexible as far as class assignment dates (so far) and that helps. I've only had one grade so far in there, but it's a 90, so I can't be too upset about that.

I am seriously, seriously considering going on for a master's after I graduate. I know, it means spending more money in loans - but what the fuck? What do I have to lose? At UMUC I can also get a dual degree - an MS in crim management and an MBA at the same time - it's only 18 additional credits. Again - what the fuck? If it means I've accomplished something good, so be it, right?

I've also considered going for a health degree or certification as well, though. Time enough to think about that - I just want to get the B.S. done first.

It looks like I will, and very shortly, too. :o I'm amazed at myself, really...

Greg and I will celebrate 6 months together on the day after Thanksgiving. It's still as good as day one. The crunch, as we both tend to say, is still in the cookie. We've settled into a routine, the two of us, and while it's not all sunshine and roses (we both work an awful lot, and bad schedules at that)... it's a beautiful thing we've got.

I hesitate to let down my guard, or relax completely, not yet. But he's great for me. I hope that it's reciprocated.

And so concludes another update of my boring, yet queerly interesting at the same time, life. I look back on old entries - a year, 2 years ago at this time - and it's like a different person wrote them. Another world. Another life. Was that really me?

This new world of mine feels good. Really good. :)

Wheeeeeee! :p

Wow, things have been going batshit crazy my way recently. I guess this is the time to do a massive (if I can) update. I've actually been wanting to write for a little while now, but I've put it off because I didn't want to try to type out a long post with that stupid cast on.

First of all, the hard cast on my wrist came off on Wednesday, though it's not completely healed as of yet - I still have a soft brace on and will have it on for the next six weeks. It's a fair trade, though, if I can wash my arm and scratch my own skin - believe me when I tell you that I'm relieved beyond belief. I am now able to dress myself, for the most part, as well as type with all of my fingers again. Still no lifting for a while, though - even a full bottle of water is too much for me at this point. Hopefully the swelling and bruising will go down soon.

(Warning: If you're squeamish about women's health issues, or if the word "gynecology" scares the crap out of you, proceed to where it says "END" in bold. I understand if you don't want to read about my female plumbing - trust me, I won't be hurt. :p )

I also went to the OB to discuss tubal ligation - just like I'd promised I would way back when. Apparently there are other issues going on, though, which means I need a pelvic sonogram and comprehensive bloodwork. I already know what's going on - there's a definite hormone imbalance and has been for some time, I don't need a return visit for them to tell me that. Question really boils down to, what are they going to do about it.

Oh, I cried throughout the exam. It was horrible. I just couldn't get a hold of myself. Thank Christ Greg was there to support me through it, or I don't know if I'd have ever stepped foot into the place. Luckily, my OB is very sweet and understanding of my fears - so I do feel I'm in good hands. I hated the exam, but I'm glad I went - this encourages me to take a lot better care of my health, I think. It's time I did that. I don't have the excuse of no health insurance anymore!

(END of squeamish portion of the program. You little pussy. :p )

School is going... eh, so-so. I don't think I'm going to get real good scores on the classes I have right now, but then I didn't plan on breaking my wrist and being in doped-up, intense pain for most of the semester, either. I'm not killing myself over it - if I fail, then I fail. I'll take it over again, I don't (and won't) have any other choice.

This has been a really crazy month, though. Work has been about the same, though we again have a new manager and he's making some pretty serious changes to the day-to-day operation of the unit (in this case it's mainly good things), so that's something to get used to. I've been settling in with life in general - Greg and I still have a wonderful relationship and we've been getting along great. While my guard is still up (mainly on an unconscious level now, though), I do think that things just may work out after all. We have plenty of time still ahead of us, so in the meantime, I'm just enjoying, enjoying, enjoying it.

Lots of events have been going on as well - we went to the Baltimore Book Festival this year, we're going to Kings Dominion in a couple of weeks, RenFest this weekend - then the holidays coming, and that'll be a big thing because it'll be our first together.... yeah. Life's been nuts, but it's also been a ball. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. :D

Of course, there's always that other shoe. But I'm slowly gaining faith that it just might not fall. Maybe.

Not much else to tell at the moment. My wrist is beginning to ache, though, so it's probably best to close out for now.

The wounds are beginning to close.

I start this with the feeling that I want to write something, but... I don't really have a clear purpose in mind. This most likely means that it's going to be a lot of rambling about nothing, so if you don't really give a rat's ass about the inner workings of my head, it's probably best to skip this one. It's okay, really - I won't be upset about it. :p

My wrist and hand are doing a lot better, though they're not "fixed" by any means. I am still having trouble with some things such as putting on a bra or clothes that have to be buttoned (though I'm doing well with tying shoelaces, oddly). Today, I was able to tie my hair back into a tail for the first time since the accident, a very good sign. I am able to type again with both hands, though on a limited basis (I can only do it for short periods before I have to "rest" again - it's the way the cast is wrapped, bluh). My next orthopedic appointment is for October 5th, and there's a good possibility that I'll be able to get the cast off completely, though I'm sure I'll still have to wear a soft brace for a while. Still, it's better than this heavy monstrosity that seems to weigh more and more each passing day. Ugh!

I once again have been thinking of my recent past... only now I just feel indifference. It no longer matters. None of it does. I have survived the pain and I have come out on the other side stronger, healthier, more determined than ever. Perhaps the ghosts have finally been vanquished... or at the very least, put to rest.

Yesterday, my therapist shortened my appointments to once a month. When I first began seeing him, it was once a week. It's further proof that the depression is now fading away, or at least has been pushed way, way back onto the closet shelf. It gives me hope that I continue to improve, little by little, day by day. I hope that the depression stays gone - forever.

Still, I bear its scars. I suspect that I always will.

My relationship with Greg continues to flourish. I still pinch myself some days, wondering how all of this came to be... but I am trying not to question my good fortune, but to simply enjoy it.

It's strange, but I now wonder what this blog will become, now that my mental health has improved, if not been restored altogether. This used to be my complaining ground, my "best friend", the one place that I knew I could scream, whine, be emo, cry, sob my stupid head off. But now? I don't really know what purpose it serves these days, as I have very little to complain or cry about. I question whether I will - or should - continue to write in it. The lack of posting recently is no accident, really - I've just not had too much to say. I've been too busy living my life - and I've discovered that there IS a life out there!

(Though my wrist being broken doesn't lead me to want to use it too much in the pursuit of writing, or anything else. There is that, heh.)

And now, a video. :p Actually... this song has a certain meaning to me, as it's one of the last songs I remember... before the depression took over my life. :(

Yes, I cry when I hear this.

Enjoy. Until next time.

Extremely short update....

I broke my wrist last Thursday. I must now type one-handed, and quite honestly I'm in a lot of pain so this isn't going to be massive. Everything is more or less fine. No complaints. More when I feel better.

How's that for pithy? :p