So Greg and I went down to Kings Dominion this weekend for an event with some of our new friend circle. I'll admit that while I had quite a blast (and him as well, I think)... I'm starting to realize that in a lot of ways, I'm starting to get old - or at least set in my ways. I just wasn't that eager to get on rides and be flipped upside down, feel G-forces making my heart race, any of that. The few that I did get on were sedate, quiet, even boring.
I'll also make a confession here - I just wasn't willing to be squeezed into a ride, either. Let's face it, people - while I can still get into a standard amusement park ride, I'm overweight (okay, fat, if you will) enough to not be too damned comfortable in them. And I'm sorry, folks - but that's a problem. I consider that a problem.
I spent half of the day wondering if I was going to be able to fit into the lap bars on the rides - and that's not a good feeling, ladies and gentlemen. Nor is it a good feeling to look around you and literally notice that you're the biggest person in line. Not necessarily in the park - but in line. Big difference. Maybe it was just paranoia, but I could feel peoples' eyes on me. "What's that big girl doing in the line? Does she think she can squeeze her fat ass into that seat? Bahahaha, that's a good one!"
I still can, yes, but that's not the point here.
The point is that it's gotten to a point where it's just not comfortable for me anymore to be what I am, physically. I'm suffering health problems, and I know it. It remains to be seen if the health problems I have are the cause of my weight, however - and we're investigating that. There's a damned good possibility that it really IS medical in nature. I know, I know, every overweight person claims that, but in my case it may be true. I've had a hormonal imbalance for years, decades, and it's run riot, completely unchecked. My OB is investigating that - that's why all of the nasty medical procedures recently.
If that's the cause of it - great. I'm looking forward to dropping a few pounds, trust me. If it's not... well, then, I know what my next step is.
As someone who's been overweight for most of her life, I will say this - don't ever believe that overweight is caused by too much eating and nothing else. It can be, sure, but it's often not the reason. Sometimes the reason is not eating enough.
Greg pointed out to me over the weekend that I don't eat nearly enough, which causes me to binge when I finally do get around to eating - and he's right. That's exactly what I do. I try to make up for all of the meals I should have eaten in one setting - then I'm sick for days and won't eat again. A vicious, severely unhealthy cycle.... that I'm going to try and break. If I can. I hope I can.
Some of this is psychological, I'm almost sure of that. Because of all of the abuse I've been through, both childhood and adulthood, I probably feel so unworthy that I don't eat at all - after all, I'm overweight, why should I stuff my face? Never mind that stuffing my face, in my case, equals fueling my body in order to survive.
Wow, tears. Lots of tears. I guess this is a frontier of my cracked mind that I haven't explored yet... but after all, it's such a huge (hah, hah) part of my psyche, damaged though it may be. I have to confront it eventually, and I guess that I'm far enough in my healing that it should be now. I'm just so afraid that I'll uncover shit I don't want to uncover, and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle that, if that's so.
Greg says that he loves me the way I am. He has no idea how much that means to me, because I've never felt like anyone ever did, that I've had to fundamentally change in order to be accepted and cared about. For once in my life... I don't feel like I have to be someone else.
And maybe that's the key to my finally losing weight... knowing that even if I don't drop a pound, an inch, if the scale never changes again... that I'm still loved.
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
24 October 2011
20 August 2011
The "new" mordacious?
As everyone can see, there's a new look floating about around here. It's not as... uh, black as it used to be. I'm not sure if I'll actually keep the theme that's up now - I'm not used to all of this bright pastel shit - but it won't go back to what it was before. It's a work in progress, much like myself.
I have continued to take steps toward healing. I am currently in the process of sorting and organizing the massive piles of paper that have collected over the past six years when I was... "out", we'll say. Unfortunately, organization is not my strong point, just like housekeeping isn't, heh... so there's a lot to do. A lot. But it'll get done eventually. In the meantime, I've begun clearing out remnants of my past, both on paper and in my head. I've opened up a lot more about those dark years that were my depression.. that led up to my depression. I've shed some tears over it, yes, but they're the sort of tears that I think have to come... the ones that burn inside until you can't hold them back anymore. It's a catharsis. I'm beginning to truly heal, it's not just show.
I have begun to let go of a lot of people, a lot of things. I am starting to see what was real... and what was fallacy. I'm starting to realize that I held impossible dreams about situations and about certain people that were never slated to come true, were never possible except in my own cracked head. And that's okay, because it allowed me to survive what I needed to. When I think now of losing certain things in my life... mainly the obsession that so ruled me over the last few years.... I still feel a slight sting. But that's all it is - a sting. Nothing more. It passes, and I'm myself again. I am still alive. I am still me. :) I didn't die.
Indeed, I no longer think about these things anymore.
Do I have regrets for the way I've treated certain people? Oh, you bet I do. I was stupid in a lot of ways. But... maybe it was all meant to be this way, because I wouldn't have what I have now. And what I have now is pretty damned good, honestly.
For example. I don't refer much to the person that I lived with in Georgia (not my ex-husband, the person after him) because it was incredibly painful, both the situation and the ending. I still haven't processed a lot of this situation yet, so I'm slowly working on coming to grips with the bleak reality of where I was and what I was doing (or not doing). However, I got curious (always a bad thing) and looked him up on the evil Eff-Bee to see if he was there, what he was doing, etc. I found out that he had moved to Florida and was in a new relationship.
There's that slight sting again. But... I was oddly peaceful with what I'd found out. The fact is that he and I were never meant to be, obviously - he's with a new person, I'm with a new person. I'd venture to bet that he's just as happy with his new love as I am with mine. So... in a way, while the past hurts a bit, perhaps I was meant to go through that hurt to appreciate the good things that I have now. Does that make any sense?
There are things about that time that I'm not proud of. Things that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I will eventually talk about them, most likely here. And I'll probably cry my eyes out while talking about them. But...catharsis. Healing. Purging the sick from my soul so that I continue to grow, to learn, to heal. It's what I need to do. It's what I continue to strive for.
I have learned much in the last 8 months.
Things are going well otherwise. My relationship with Greg is as strong as ever, even though we're both tired a lot because of work schedules (and they conflict, bluh, figures) and we don't see one another nearly as much as we'd like. The limerance has ended, certainly - we're not starry-eyed teenagers, heh - but I think we have plenty of strength and a solid base from which to begin building on. I still have fears, a lot of the time - but that's only natural given what I've been through. He understands this, bless him. He is truly one in a million.
I'm laying here writing this and listening to him breathing beside me. It's a good sound. A solid, comforting sound. It's something that I could find myself listening to forever. :)
Okay, everyone go "awwwww" now. :p
Nothing else is new, really. But you know what? Sometimes that's a good thing. :D
I have continued to take steps toward healing. I am currently in the process of sorting and organizing the massive piles of paper that have collected over the past six years when I was... "out", we'll say. Unfortunately, organization is not my strong point, just like housekeeping isn't, heh... so there's a lot to do. A lot. But it'll get done eventually. In the meantime, I've begun clearing out remnants of my past, both on paper and in my head. I've opened up a lot more about those dark years that were my depression.. that led up to my depression. I've shed some tears over it, yes, but they're the sort of tears that I think have to come... the ones that burn inside until you can't hold them back anymore. It's a catharsis. I'm beginning to truly heal, it's not just show.
I have begun to let go of a lot of people, a lot of things. I am starting to see what was real... and what was fallacy. I'm starting to realize that I held impossible dreams about situations and about certain people that were never slated to come true, were never possible except in my own cracked head. And that's okay, because it allowed me to survive what I needed to. When I think now of losing certain things in my life... mainly the obsession that so ruled me over the last few years.... I still feel a slight sting. But that's all it is - a sting. Nothing more. It passes, and I'm myself again. I am still alive. I am still me. :) I didn't die.
Indeed, I no longer think about these things anymore.
Do I have regrets for the way I've treated certain people? Oh, you bet I do. I was stupid in a lot of ways. But... maybe it was all meant to be this way, because I wouldn't have what I have now. And what I have now is pretty damned good, honestly.
For example. I don't refer much to the person that I lived with in Georgia (not my ex-husband, the person after him) because it was incredibly painful, both the situation and the ending. I still haven't processed a lot of this situation yet, so I'm slowly working on coming to grips with the bleak reality of where I was and what I was doing (or not doing). However, I got curious (always a bad thing) and looked him up on the evil Eff-Bee to see if he was there, what he was doing, etc. I found out that he had moved to Florida and was in a new relationship.
There's that slight sting again. But... I was oddly peaceful with what I'd found out. The fact is that he and I were never meant to be, obviously - he's with a new person, I'm with a new person. I'd venture to bet that he's just as happy with his new love as I am with mine. So... in a way, while the past hurts a bit, perhaps I was meant to go through that hurt to appreciate the good things that I have now. Does that make any sense?
There are things about that time that I'm not proud of. Things that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I will eventually talk about them, most likely here. And I'll probably cry my eyes out while talking about them. But...catharsis. Healing. Purging the sick from my soul so that I continue to grow, to learn, to heal. It's what I need to do. It's what I continue to strive for.
I have learned much in the last 8 months.
Things are going well otherwise. My relationship with Greg is as strong as ever, even though we're both tired a lot because of work schedules (and they conflict, bluh, figures) and we don't see one another nearly as much as we'd like. The limerance has ended, certainly - we're not starry-eyed teenagers, heh - but I think we have plenty of strength and a solid base from which to begin building on. I still have fears, a lot of the time - but that's only natural given what I've been through. He understands this, bless him. He is truly one in a million.
I'm laying here writing this and listening to him breathing beside me. It's a good sound. A solid, comforting sound. It's something that I could find myself listening to forever. :)
Okay, everyone go "awwwww" now. :p
Nothing else is new, really. But you know what? Sometimes that's a good thing. :D
27 July 2011
I am my own person. No, really. I am.
Ever since I met Greg (two incredible months ago!), I've been a lot happier, which has been pretty obvious to all who know me. I've been receiving comments from all sources - personal, work, otherwise - that have told me that I'm beginning to smile again... that I seem more "alive", I guess, than I have in years.
I've worked incredibly hard over the last year to get myself back onto solid ground, to recover from my depression, to validate myself as someone worthy of existing, never mind living. To tell the truth, I would have been perfectly happy with just existence - seems that I've gotten more than I'd bargained for, heh.
Still, fear persists. I'm scared of my fragile recovery being blown to bits, and I refuse to lie about it. The ground underneath me is still quite shaky, though it's getting a bit firmer every day. I think that it's important for me to realize that I've done all that I have done myself - that no one's helped me along with this, that I'm responsible for my own happiness. A comment from my last post made me think about that, long and hard - am I happy because there's someone in my life now? Or can I be just as happy by myself, alone, the way I was going along? At the time, I'd said that having someone in my life was an addition to it, not that it became my life. I still find that to be my truth, I think.
The mistake that I've made in the past, in nearly all of my previous relationships/entanglements/something, is that I've made the other person "my life". Does that make sense? Instead of seeing them as a pleasant addition, an enhancement, I've enmeshed my own personality into theirs. Wrong, wrong, wrong move! It's okay to feel empathetic - it is NOT okay to absorb!
It's a shame that it's taken me nearly 40 years to learn better.
This relationship with Greg has been different in a lot of ways - hell, in nearly every way. Maybe it's because I'm now mature enough to know the difference, maybe it's because it's the first relationship I've had in a long time where the disparity between lifestyles wasn't such a yawning cavern, maybe it's because I'm finally ready to own my shit when I do something wrong. I don't know why, exactly. Perhaps I'm finally ready to yield a little control over to another person, because a relationship - a good one, anyway - is give and take. I've always been such a control freak in the past - if I wasn't in the driver's seat, I'd literally have a conniption and be unable to cope. I still have a lot of issues with that, with trusting, with relaxing and laying back and just letting things happen. But I'm getting better at it every day, just like I am in a lot of other ways.
Eventually, I'm going to be able to relax enough to talk about my other past relationships - to the point where I can finally cleanse wounds. I don't look forward to reliving the pain associated with that, but to finally putting it all where it belongs - in the past - I actually look forward to owning my mistakes, which sounds weird, but.... it's an essential portion of healing that I still have to do.
I am so ready for it. :)
In other quick news: it turns out that I'm not the only one in the neighborhood that's been broken into recently, and drug dealing has unfortunately started to pick up, as well. There's a community meeting about it on August 9th, which is unfortunately a Tuesday - but I may try and prepare a statement about my experience for the meeting. They say the Baltimore police department will be there. Wouldn't it be nice if they could get to the house faster than 2 hours next time? /sarcasm
Otherwise, life rolls along. I'm doing pretty well, all things considered.
I'm certainly a lot happier than I used to be. :)
Blog improvements may be coming soon. Might be time to get rid of all of this black. :D
More later.
I've worked incredibly hard over the last year to get myself back onto solid ground, to recover from my depression, to validate myself as someone worthy of existing, never mind living. To tell the truth, I would have been perfectly happy with just existence - seems that I've gotten more than I'd bargained for, heh.
Still, fear persists. I'm scared of my fragile recovery being blown to bits, and I refuse to lie about it. The ground underneath me is still quite shaky, though it's getting a bit firmer every day. I think that it's important for me to realize that I've done all that I have done myself - that no one's helped me along with this, that I'm responsible for my own happiness. A comment from my last post made me think about that, long and hard - am I happy because there's someone in my life now? Or can I be just as happy by myself, alone, the way I was going along? At the time, I'd said that having someone in my life was an addition to it, not that it became my life. I still find that to be my truth, I think.
The mistake that I've made in the past, in nearly all of my previous relationships/entanglements/something, is that I've made the other person "my life". Does that make sense? Instead of seeing them as a pleasant addition, an enhancement, I've enmeshed my own personality into theirs. Wrong, wrong, wrong move! It's okay to feel empathetic - it is NOT okay to absorb!
It's a shame that it's taken me nearly 40 years to learn better.
This relationship with Greg has been different in a lot of ways - hell, in nearly every way. Maybe it's because I'm now mature enough to know the difference, maybe it's because it's the first relationship I've had in a long time where the disparity between lifestyles wasn't such a yawning cavern, maybe it's because I'm finally ready to own my shit when I do something wrong. I don't know why, exactly. Perhaps I'm finally ready to yield a little control over to another person, because a relationship - a good one, anyway - is give and take. I've always been such a control freak in the past - if I wasn't in the driver's seat, I'd literally have a conniption and be unable to cope. I still have a lot of issues with that, with trusting, with relaxing and laying back and just letting things happen. But I'm getting better at it every day, just like I am in a lot of other ways.
Eventually, I'm going to be able to relax enough to talk about my other past relationships - to the point where I can finally cleanse wounds. I don't look forward to reliving the pain associated with that, but to finally putting it all where it belongs - in the past - I actually look forward to owning my mistakes, which sounds weird, but.... it's an essential portion of healing that I still have to do.
I am so ready for it. :)
In other quick news: it turns out that I'm not the only one in the neighborhood that's been broken into recently, and drug dealing has unfortunately started to pick up, as well. There's a community meeting about it on August 9th, which is unfortunately a Tuesday - but I may try and prepare a statement about my experience for the meeting. They say the Baltimore police department will be there. Wouldn't it be nice if they could get to the house faster than 2 hours next time? /sarcasm
Otherwise, life rolls along. I'm doing pretty well, all things considered.
I'm certainly a lot happier than I used to be. :)
Blog improvements may be coming soon. Might be time to get rid of all of this black. :D
More later.
06 July 2011
Approaching the end of my "staycation".
It's been a whirlwind few days here at casa Ray. I haven't really done too much other than relax, settle in with my new relationship, and simply enjoyed my days off from the drug lab - though I'll have to come in on Thursday and Friday, bleh. Still, it's a fair trade-off for all that I've received in the last couple of weeks.
I've been mindlessly happy. It's sort of frightening that my life went from shit to pure bliss in a matter of only days. I'm cautious, however, even though I really for once in my life don't want to be - I actually WANT to believe that things are going to go my way for a rare change. And I've been really stepping out of my comfort zone as of late - I'm thinking about going to get a freaking tattoo on my body, which is about as far from the comfort zone as I can get!
I don't really know what's happened to me, but I'm enjoying every minute of it while I can. I just hope, pray, that it's not all a fragile house of cards that will collapse when the wind blows too hard. I really pray that's not the case.
I know, the dreaded word (which is now considered a curse word in the house) - patience. Sigh.
Just a quick update for now. I don't actually know when I'll be able to write again - I always mean to get around to it, but... well, I've been too busy AND too happy, I suppose. Maybe that's a good thing.
I've been mindlessly happy. It's sort of frightening that my life went from shit to pure bliss in a matter of only days. I'm cautious, however, even though I really for once in my life don't want to be - I actually WANT to believe that things are going to go my way for a rare change. And I've been really stepping out of my comfort zone as of late - I'm thinking about going to get a freaking tattoo on my body, which is about as far from the comfort zone as I can get!
I don't really know what's happened to me, but I'm enjoying every minute of it while I can. I just hope, pray, that it's not all a fragile house of cards that will collapse when the wind blows too hard. I really pray that's not the case.
I know, the dreaded word (which is now considered a curse word in the house) - patience. Sigh.
Just a quick update for now. I don't actually know when I'll be able to write again - I always mean to get around to it, but... well, I've been too busy AND too happy, I suppose. Maybe that's a good thing.
01 July 2011
Dear Gawd....
...it's been absolutely forever since I wrote in here... but in truth, so much has happened in the last two weeks that I can't even begin to describe it all without getting my words mixed up. Suffice it to say that my entire life has changed - for the better.
I wish that I could explain more, but in truth, I'm very tired and I need to sleep rather badly. As soon as I can get some more time, I will fill in all of the missing details. A good deal of you know what it pertains to, anyway.
I only know that I'm happier right now than I have been in years.
More later, promise.
I wish that I could explain more, but in truth, I'm very tired and I need to sleep rather badly. As soon as I can get some more time, I will fill in all of the missing details. A good deal of you know what it pertains to, anyway.
I only know that I'm happier right now than I have been in years.
More later, promise.
12 June 2011
"I am only three years old!"
Three years old. My God, this blog is three years old. Where did the time go?
It's honestly hard to believe that three years have passed since I first began this little "journal" of mine. In truth, June 12 isn't really the day I started - but it's the only date I have for reference, because I wiped out the original entries during a very deep, very dark depression. How I wish I knew what they had said. It would have been a frame of reference for just how bad it really got. But, c'est la vie, I suppose - I must now work with what I have.
People have been telling me that they have seen a huge difference within me over the last year - indeed, the last six months. I do feel that I've grown substantially in that time. It's not been an easy journey by any means, but... I sit here and I think that maybe I wouldn't change anything.
The depression is now a part of me - maybe was a part of me. I'm still hesitant to say that I've recovered or that I'm cured of it - but I can safely state that I am in the process of recovery. That's a hell of a lot better than where I was this time last year. Or three years ago.
Everything happens for a reason.
I am better equipped to handle disappointment, or anger, or negative feelings. I don't run off into a blind rage anymore. I am starting to learn how not to blame the world at large for issues that I may (or may not have) caused. I am beginning to open my eyes and see others around me, others that have for years tried to reach me, tried to help me, haven't turned away from me. I am beginning to allow new people into my life, slowly. I no longer feel that time and circumstances are against me.
Three years ago, I couldn't have fathomed this kind of growth.
If you're still here after all this time... thank you for staying. Thank you for seeing me through what I can only describe as a living hell on earth. And thank you for remaining my friend throughout it all. I treasure my friends dearly, and you are one of them. :) If you're a new reader, welcome to my crazy-assed life. Strap yourself in... my life has been up, down, tossed around, it's hit manic highs and crushing lows... but one thing is for sure - you will never be bored.
My blog, like my self, is growing up. :)
I never thought I'd be able to say "welcome to year 4". But... here we are. Let it begin... may it continue to be a time of growth and change.
Bring it on. :)
31 May 2011
I rock. And I know it.
So, I received one of those "inspirational" Emails, you know... quote of the day and all of that. I'm usually not into the positive uplift crap, I'm a realistic, bitter bitch.... but today's mail offered up a challenge that I couldn't refuse.
That challenge was as follows:
List eight things that you like about yourself that cannot be tied to anyone else.
That's really quite hard, much more so than I thought. But I decided to give it a try.
1. I'm tenacious.
I'm beating depression - that says enough right there. While I'm not all the way there by any means, I'm a far, far cry from what I was even 6 months ago. And it takes a lot of obstinacy to keep fighting - trust me on this. But I won't give up. I refuse to.
2. I work my ass off.
My work ethic is incredibly strong. I probably work harder than anyone I know. I'm there first, leave last. I deal with the nastiest clients you can possibly imagine... but I do it because it's my job. Same for my classes. I may not like them, but I'll be damned if I leave something unfinished. That's how I roll.
3. My sense of humor.
Admittedly, I don't laugh or smile as often as I once did. But that doesn't mean I don't find things amusing as all hell. People have told me that they find me quite witty, when I want to be. That I don't know about, but I do have the ability to laugh at the most absurd shit.
4. Love of learning.
I've always loved to learn new things. I enjoyed school very much when I was a child (the learning aspect of it, that is - social... ehhhh) and worked very hard to achieve and absorb the lessons that were being taught. It's carried over into my adult life. I don't even know that I'll be done with school after I receive the B.S. degree, because now I'm seriously considering an M.S. in criminal justice. But we'll see.
5. My sense of responsibility.
I grew up with pretty much no money. This earliest lesson in life has taught me to be responsible - not only with money, but with other aspects of my life. If I have a duty to perform, I will do it, and to the best of my ability. I do not shirk from hard or difficult tasks. To do so would go against the grain for me.
6. Generosity.
I've been known to give the shirt off of my back to someone who needed it. (Okay, pervs, make your commments in your heads now, but it's a saying. Fuck off. Haha.) This has often led to people taking outrageous advantage of me, but it's a trait that I wouldn't give up for anything in the world. I love making people happy, and I've been taught to share what I have with others. Granted, I may not have much, but if someone's in need, I share. Not many can say that.
7. Tolerance.
In recent years, this quality has taken a huge backseat, due to... we'll say my choice of company. But in recent months, my tolerance of others has grown a bit stronger. I really do not hold any pre-conceived notions of people before I meet them. I am color-blind. I do not see brown skin or a turban or a man dressed as a woman. I see a human being, flesh and blood, just like me. If I deserve respect as a human being, so do they. End of story.
8. Common sense.
I often lose my temper over this quality, but I really do think I have more "common sense" than most. I think things through, as much as I can, before doing them, and I use contextual clues to help me along when I don't understand something. Now, I know I'm not perfect by any means. But I really do think that for the most part, I've used good judgement when making decisions. Especially lately.
.... so, I managed to do just that. I'm actually pretty surprised that I could list that much, as I never thought that I was really anything special or that I had any good qualities to offer.
But I do. I so rock. :D
That challenge was as follows:
List eight things that you like about yourself that cannot be tied to anyone else.
That's really quite hard, much more so than I thought. But I decided to give it a try.
1. I'm tenacious.
I'm beating depression - that says enough right there. While I'm not all the way there by any means, I'm a far, far cry from what I was even 6 months ago. And it takes a lot of obstinacy to keep fighting - trust me on this. But I won't give up. I refuse to.
2. I work my ass off.
My work ethic is incredibly strong. I probably work harder than anyone I know. I'm there first, leave last. I deal with the nastiest clients you can possibly imagine... but I do it because it's my job. Same for my classes. I may not like them, but I'll be damned if I leave something unfinished. That's how I roll.
3. My sense of humor.
Admittedly, I don't laugh or smile as often as I once did. But that doesn't mean I don't find things amusing as all hell. People have told me that they find me quite witty, when I want to be. That I don't know about, but I do have the ability to laugh at the most absurd shit.
4. Love of learning.
I've always loved to learn new things. I enjoyed school very much when I was a child (the learning aspect of it, that is - social... ehhhh) and worked very hard to achieve and absorb the lessons that were being taught. It's carried over into my adult life. I don't even know that I'll be done with school after I receive the B.S. degree, because now I'm seriously considering an M.S. in criminal justice. But we'll see.
5. My sense of responsibility.
I grew up with pretty much no money. This earliest lesson in life has taught me to be responsible - not only with money, but with other aspects of my life. If I have a duty to perform, I will do it, and to the best of my ability. I do not shirk from hard or difficult tasks. To do so would go against the grain for me.
6. Generosity.
I've been known to give the shirt off of my back to someone who needed it. (Okay, pervs, make your commments in your heads now, but it's a saying. Fuck off. Haha.) This has often led to people taking outrageous advantage of me, but it's a trait that I wouldn't give up for anything in the world. I love making people happy, and I've been taught to share what I have with others. Granted, I may not have much, but if someone's in need, I share. Not many can say that.
7. Tolerance.
In recent years, this quality has taken a huge backseat, due to... we'll say my choice of company. But in recent months, my tolerance of others has grown a bit stronger. I really do not hold any pre-conceived notions of people before I meet them. I am color-blind. I do not see brown skin or a turban or a man dressed as a woman. I see a human being, flesh and blood, just like me. If I deserve respect as a human being, so do they. End of story.
8. Common sense.
I often lose my temper over this quality, but I really do think I have more "common sense" than most. I think things through, as much as I can, before doing them, and I use contextual clues to help me along when I don't understand something. Now, I know I'm not perfect by any means. But I really do think that for the most part, I've used good judgement when making decisions. Especially lately.
.... so, I managed to do just that. I'm actually pretty surprised that I could list that much, as I never thought that I was really anything special or that I had any good qualities to offer.
But I do. I so rock. :D
30 May 2011
Struggling... but forging ahead.
I had been feeling better about things for the last couple of days, but I find myself turning melancholy once again. The situation last week has taken more of a toll on me than I ever dreamed... and it's frightening because I don't know that I'll ever really recover from it.
Part of my therapy session this week dealt with that loss, and intense discussion about it. I had never really talked with anyone about it before (maybe because the circumstances were such that I felt a little ashamed of it). After a good deal of explanation, including specifics of the situation, my doctor said something that resonated with me... it not only made me feel a little better, but it's given me hope.
He'd said to me, "You cannot blame yourself. You have the hope of a normal, healthy relationship. Once you deal with all of the pain that you've been subjected to... you have a chance of being happy with another person. The other person in your situation does not. The other person in your situation has very deep issues, issues that are brain-related. Speaking from a psychological point of view, this person is very sick. They will never get any better or have anything more than what they have right now - because their pattern keeps repeating, over and over. They will not ever have a successful, healthy relationship... but you will."
It was like a sledgehammer had slammed into my brain.
I try to hold on to my doctor's words. I really do. It's eased some of the still-intense pain that I feel. It gives me hope that one day, one day.... I'll find a person that I can relate to and that can relate to me.
I've met someone recently, through one of the myriad online dating sites. We seem to have a lot in common, but... he recently dropped a bombshell that he was "legally married, but hasn't seen her in years", blah blah. He's told me 4 days after meeting me, so perhaps he's on the up and up, but... I just feel like I can't trust him. I know that it's because of all of the shit I've been through. I know that. I'm still speaking with him, because after all - we're only friends. It's not went any further, and even if it did, it wouldn't happen right away, as he lives in Florida.
Why can't I meet someone that's decent, honest, and lives HERE, for Chrissake?
Ah, forgive me. I really should choose better music... I'm listening to a song that reminds me of ... well, the situation. Oddly, the lyrics sort of fit....
Babe, baby, baby, I'm gonna leave you
I said baby, you know I'm gonna leave you.
I'll leave you when the summertime,
Leave you when the summer comes a-rollin'
Leave you when the summer comes along.
Classic Led Zeppelin. I love it so. Only right now it's full of pain.
The overwhelming anxiety has finally disappeared. But I know I'm not the same. I don't laugh or smile anymore. My appetite has been reduced to nearly nothing (not that that's a bad thing, as I'm losing weight like crazy, heh). And even the smallest of triggers can reduce me to a sobbing ball of mush.
But I'll get over this. It's not my fault.... I'm normal. I'm normal. I have to hang on to those words... I'll recover and I'll be happy. Won't I?
I wonder sometimes.
Part of my therapy session this week dealt with that loss, and intense discussion about it. I had never really talked with anyone about it before (maybe because the circumstances were such that I felt a little ashamed of it). After a good deal of explanation, including specifics of the situation, my doctor said something that resonated with me... it not only made me feel a little better, but it's given me hope.
He'd said to me, "You cannot blame yourself. You have the hope of a normal, healthy relationship. Once you deal with all of the pain that you've been subjected to... you have a chance of being happy with another person. The other person in your situation does not. The other person in your situation has very deep issues, issues that are brain-related. Speaking from a psychological point of view, this person is very sick. They will never get any better or have anything more than what they have right now - because their pattern keeps repeating, over and over. They will not ever have a successful, healthy relationship... but you will."
It was like a sledgehammer had slammed into my brain.
I try to hold on to my doctor's words. I really do. It's eased some of the still-intense pain that I feel. It gives me hope that one day, one day.... I'll find a person that I can relate to and that can relate to me.
I've met someone recently, through one of the myriad online dating sites. We seem to have a lot in common, but... he recently dropped a bombshell that he was "legally married, but hasn't seen her in years", blah blah. He's told me 4 days after meeting me, so perhaps he's on the up and up, but... I just feel like I can't trust him. I know that it's because of all of the shit I've been through. I know that. I'm still speaking with him, because after all - we're only friends. It's not went any further, and even if it did, it wouldn't happen right away, as he lives in Florida.
Why can't I meet someone that's decent, honest, and lives HERE, for Chrissake?
Ah, forgive me. I really should choose better music... I'm listening to a song that reminds me of ... well, the situation. Oddly, the lyrics sort of fit....
Babe, baby, baby, I'm gonna leave you
I said baby, you know I'm gonna leave you.
I'll leave you when the summertime,
Leave you when the summer comes a-rollin'
Leave you when the summer comes along.
Classic Led Zeppelin. I love it so. Only right now it's full of pain.
The overwhelming anxiety has finally disappeared. But I know I'm not the same. I don't laugh or smile anymore. My appetite has been reduced to nearly nothing (not that that's a bad thing, as I'm losing weight like crazy, heh). And even the smallest of triggers can reduce me to a sobbing ball of mush.
But I'll get over this. It's not my fault.... I'm normal. I'm normal. I have to hang on to those words... I'll recover and I'll be happy. Won't I?
I wonder sometimes.
28 May 2011
It is over. I am free.
After a very rough week, I have calmed down considerably. Although I'm still very sad over what has occurred (and to make a long story short, I've pretty much ended a tie that I've had for a very long time, ever since I moved back to Maryland)... it is time.
I once read a phrase that fits this situation very nicely. And that is: people come into and out of our lives for a reason.
At first, I thought, "What utter crap." But then, I got to thinking about it. And it's true. Nothing is really meant to last forever, is it? If it were, people would live forever, my best friend at 4 years old would still be my best friend... and a love relationship would last forever.
Life doesn't work that way.
The fact is that people change. Lives change. We grow apart. And it's very hard to let someone go after you've grown to depend on them, enjoy their company, spend time with them, share your life with them. The fact is that after a while, pain starts to outweigh pleasure. In truth, the situation I refer to began to hurt a very, very long time ago. I just didn't have the courage to cut the cord.
Until today.
I am free-falling now.... but in some ways, it feels good to know that I will never be hurt again by this. That I've learned valuable lessons to take with me into the void, where the next person I meet will benefit from that knowledge.
I'm very scared of the future. After all, six years is a very long time. But... just to live, one takes a chance. Maybe I'll make it and maybe I won't.
But at least I know in which direction I'll land.
Forward. Home.
I once read a phrase that fits this situation very nicely. And that is: people come into and out of our lives for a reason.
At first, I thought, "What utter crap." But then, I got to thinking about it. And it's true. Nothing is really meant to last forever, is it? If it were, people would live forever, my best friend at 4 years old would still be my best friend... and a love relationship would last forever.
Life doesn't work that way.
The fact is that people change. Lives change. We grow apart. And it's very hard to let someone go after you've grown to depend on them, enjoy their company, spend time with them, share your life with them. The fact is that after a while, pain starts to outweigh pleasure. In truth, the situation I refer to began to hurt a very, very long time ago. I just didn't have the courage to cut the cord.
Until today.
I am free-falling now.... but in some ways, it feels good to know that I will never be hurt again by this. That I've learned valuable lessons to take with me into the void, where the next person I meet will benefit from that knowledge.
I'm very scared of the future. After all, six years is a very long time. But... just to live, one takes a chance. Maybe I'll make it and maybe I won't.
But at least I know in which direction I'll land.
Forward. Home.
08 May 2011
A thought about Mother's Day.
Let me preface this post with a simple fact: my mother and I have never gotten along, nor do we get along now if we spend more than say 3 hours at a time together. I already know that if I ever have to live with her again (whether it's because of my having to take care of her, which isn't a far possibility, unfortunately or otherwise), my life would become utter misery. So, before, I'm accused of being an ungrateful brat (which has happened in the past) - try to remember that this is the woman that contributed to my abusive upbringing, even if it was caused by acts of omission.
I've done things over the last few years that have defied description, considering how things have been - I've bought her cruises, I've taken care of her basic needs such as shopping, medical situations, made sure that she's comfortable. People keep asking me why. "Why do you do these things? She's been absolutely horrible to you. Why do you keep sacrificing yourself on her altar?"
Because she's my mother. What can I say? If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't be here.
I won't mention the fact that I've bemoaned my own existence for a good portion of my life. That's immaterial to the gist of what I'm saying.
No matter what bad shit she's done over the years, or how many mistakes she's made, or how much I wish things could have been different for me - she's my mother. It would go against my personal grain for me NOT to take care of her or do for her. Maybe that makes me a sucker, I don't know. Maybe I'm a masochist. But it's what I am, and I'd be denying an essential part of myself if I don't extend myself to help her out.
It's not about love for my parent. It's about being who I am. It's about love for myself. If that makes sense.
So, happy Mother's Day, for those of you who are mothers, for those of you soon to be mothers, for those of you who wish you were mothers. This holiday, for me, isn't only about love for Mom... but for me.
Peace.
I've done things over the last few years that have defied description, considering how things have been - I've bought her cruises, I've taken care of her basic needs such as shopping, medical situations, made sure that she's comfortable. People keep asking me why. "Why do you do these things? She's been absolutely horrible to you. Why do you keep sacrificing yourself on her altar?"
Because she's my mother. What can I say? If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't be here.
I won't mention the fact that I've bemoaned my own existence for a good portion of my life. That's immaterial to the gist of what I'm saying.
No matter what bad shit she's done over the years, or how many mistakes she's made, or how much I wish things could have been different for me - she's my mother. It would go against my personal grain for me NOT to take care of her or do for her. Maybe that makes me a sucker, I don't know. Maybe I'm a masochist. But it's what I am, and I'd be denying an essential part of myself if I don't extend myself to help her out.
It's not about love for my parent. It's about being who I am. It's about love for myself. If that makes sense.
So, happy Mother's Day, for those of you who are mothers, for those of you soon to be mothers, for those of you who wish you were mothers. This holiday, for me, isn't only about love for Mom... but for me.
Peace.
10 November 2010
Time to catch up, at last.
So I've been scarce recently. As always these days, things are crazy busy, but I've also really not had too much to say. Nothing's much changed, but in my life that's always a positive.
I've been a bit antisocial as of late, without really knowing the reason as to why. I'm not mad at anyone, nothing's wrong, everything's peachy. I think that I'm going through a phase right now where I'm just kind of satisfied with my own company and I'm learning to enjoy that. My therapist would say that this is a great sign - maybe it is, because I've never just taken the time to relax and enjoy... well, my "self", if that makes sense. Still, I'm trying to make an effort to keep up with people, as I have enough trouble with making social connections as it is. I don't want to lose what little I've got, you know what I'm saying?
I felt really, really good this morning (both physically and mentally) coming in to work, which is not something that I'm much used to. It was weird, but there I was in Union Station waiting for the subway, tapping my heels to some silly song and feeling like dancing, of all things. Dancing? Now you know something isn't right, haha. Still, it was a shockingly good feeling. And one that I haven't had in a very long time.
Have I reached the end of this long, lonely road called depression, at last?
I don't really know the answer to that. I'm still seeing the therapist once a week, so I guess I need the help, and I don't foresee that ending any time soon. I can easily say that I feel I'm in a better mental place than I was a year ago, and even three months ago to be honest. I can say that I no longer have depressive attacks on a scale of "total annihilation". I am able to function, able to work, able to sleep normally. I take joy out of little things now, and get angry when it's warranted. The apathy is disappearing. The feelings of loss, dread, blackness, a life without a future, no longer come. I am no longer, at this time, suicidal.
Maybe, at last, I've learned that the person I've needed to really love all along was myself.
I've been a bit antisocial as of late, without really knowing the reason as to why. I'm not mad at anyone, nothing's wrong, everything's peachy. I think that I'm going through a phase right now where I'm just kind of satisfied with my own company and I'm learning to enjoy that. My therapist would say that this is a great sign - maybe it is, because I've never just taken the time to relax and enjoy... well, my "self", if that makes sense. Still, I'm trying to make an effort to keep up with people, as I have enough trouble with making social connections as it is. I don't want to lose what little I've got, you know what I'm saying?
I felt really, really good this morning (both physically and mentally) coming in to work, which is not something that I'm much used to. It was weird, but there I was in Union Station waiting for the subway, tapping my heels to some silly song and feeling like dancing, of all things. Dancing? Now you know something isn't right, haha. Still, it was a shockingly good feeling. And one that I haven't had in a very long time.
Have I reached the end of this long, lonely road called depression, at last?
I don't really know the answer to that. I'm still seeing the therapist once a week, so I guess I need the help, and I don't foresee that ending any time soon. I can easily say that I feel I'm in a better mental place than I was a year ago, and even three months ago to be honest. I can say that I no longer have depressive attacks on a scale of "total annihilation". I am able to function, able to work, able to sleep normally. I take joy out of little things now, and get angry when it's warranted. The apathy is disappearing. The feelings of loss, dread, blackness, a life without a future, no longer come. I am no longer, at this time, suicidal.
Maybe, at last, I've learned that the person I've needed to really love all along was myself.
22 October 2010
Two steps forward... one step back.
I've finally got a few minutes to write - that's how crazy it's been. Huge changes are in the works down at the lab, things that will impact the entire agency, and I've been smack in the middle of it all trying to work things out so that everyone will benefit (though all I'm going to end up getting out of the deal is more headaches from the addicts and a sore back). I can't really go into it at the moment, as I'm... well, not really supposed to know about the details (which translates to, I've been taken into confidence, so I can't talk about it). But all will be revealed by some time next month, so I'll definitely go into it by then.
The depression seems to have abated, or at least not flared up to any huge degree. I did have a moment earlier today where I just lost my temper - I have a huge amount of homework to finish this weekend (two labs and trying to set up an FTP account for my web design class, the latter being an exercise in futility because the instructions aren't correct and the instructor is zero help... and the former just being insanely work-intensive at a time where I have too much going on already). Anyhow, I admit to giving in to my frustration and just bursting into tears (though short-lived). It was refreshingly normal, actually. Perhaps I AM getting better!
I'll be able to catch up, so I'm not incredibly worried (at the moment). It just all FEELS as if it's crashing down onto my shoulders, ugh. I've caught a cold as well last week, so that doesn't help things.
I'm starting to learn that there's never really a time where things settle down so that one has no worries - it's just a matter of what degree something is going to worry you, I suppose.
Really, I can't complain too much right now. I'm alive, the depression has more or less taken a back seat, I have a roof over my head and food to eat, I'm following through with my no-soda determination (though this second week has been hard, I won't lie), I have a job. I'm okay. Reasonably content. Still, I can't help but feel that something's around the corner....
Suspicion, that's all. Just suspicion.
On a different note... I don't like reality television - therefore I don't like American Idol. I've never watched even a single episode of it, ever. But I HAVE heard the "efforts" of some of the, uh, winners of this show. The only one that I think has any talent whatsoever MAY (and I emphasize may) be Kelly Clarkson.
I heard this on one of my iPhone apps the other day. I actually rather like it.
Until next time...
The depression seems to have abated, or at least not flared up to any huge degree. I did have a moment earlier today where I just lost my temper - I have a huge amount of homework to finish this weekend (two labs and trying to set up an FTP account for my web design class, the latter being an exercise in futility because the instructions aren't correct and the instructor is zero help... and the former just being insanely work-intensive at a time where I have too much going on already). Anyhow, I admit to giving in to my frustration and just bursting into tears (though short-lived). It was refreshingly normal, actually. Perhaps I AM getting better!
I'll be able to catch up, so I'm not incredibly worried (at the moment). It just all FEELS as if it's crashing down onto my shoulders, ugh. I've caught a cold as well last week, so that doesn't help things.
I'm starting to learn that there's never really a time where things settle down so that one has no worries - it's just a matter of what degree something is going to worry you, I suppose.
Really, I can't complain too much right now. I'm alive, the depression has more or less taken a back seat, I have a roof over my head and food to eat, I'm following through with my no-soda determination (though this second week has been hard, I won't lie), I have a job. I'm okay. Reasonably content. Still, I can't help but feel that something's around the corner....
Suspicion, that's all. Just suspicion.
On a different note... I don't like reality television - therefore I don't like American Idol. I've never watched even a single episode of it, ever. But I HAVE heard the "efforts" of some of the, uh, winners of this show. The only one that I think has any talent whatsoever MAY (and I emphasize may) be Kelly Clarkson.
I heard this on one of my iPhone apps the other day. I actually rather like it.
Until next time...
16 October 2010
My former self lurks underneath the surface.
It's been a crazy, hectic, somewhat irritating week... but somehow I'm managing to hold up amongst it all.
One of the main things that happened is that I have given up drinking soda in any format - diet or otherwise. I have had a huge diet Coke addiction for the last 20 years, and... I don't really know what spurred me to quit drinking it other than a slight, nagging feeling that "it was time". I know - it makes no sense. But as of tomorrow, it'll be the first full week in 20 years that I haven't drunk diet Coke, and the first full week in God-knows-how-many-years that I haven't ingested some kind of soda product. And honestly? I feel fine. It wasn't a death sentence. Just like I'm starting to realize that giving up a lot of things haven't been death sentences, and indeed.. might even be for the better.
My life is beginning anew. I am on the precipice of better times - I can feel that. And I'm ready for whatever comes next. Certainly the past five years have contained enough apathy and pain and futility to last a lifetime. I admit that a lot of it was caused by my own stupid self - but now I know better, and there isn't a day that I don't kick myself for allowing it to happen.
I'm not ready to really discuss that, yet. But someday I will be, and it'll be fine, just like it's fine now. I am at peace. I am content.
This therapy has helped me in ways that I didn't even find possible five years ago. Maybe my depression isn't a lifelong prison. Maybe I've even been let out of that prison. I don't know, and it's too soon to tell.
But I'm going to enjoy what I can, when I can. Life is too short for less.
One of the main things that happened is that I have given up drinking soda in any format - diet or otherwise. I have had a huge diet Coke addiction for the last 20 years, and... I don't really know what spurred me to quit drinking it other than a slight, nagging feeling that "it was time". I know - it makes no sense. But as of tomorrow, it'll be the first full week in 20 years that I haven't drunk diet Coke, and the first full week in God-knows-how-many-years that I haven't ingested some kind of soda product. And honestly? I feel fine. It wasn't a death sentence. Just like I'm starting to realize that giving up a lot of things haven't been death sentences, and indeed.. might even be for the better.
My life is beginning anew. I am on the precipice of better times - I can feel that. And I'm ready for whatever comes next. Certainly the past five years have contained enough apathy and pain and futility to last a lifetime. I admit that a lot of it was caused by my own stupid self - but now I know better, and there isn't a day that I don't kick myself for allowing it to happen.
I'm not ready to really discuss that, yet. But someday I will be, and it'll be fine, just like it's fine now. I am at peace. I am content.
This therapy has helped me in ways that I didn't even find possible five years ago. Maybe my depression isn't a lifelong prison. Maybe I've even been let out of that prison. I don't know, and it's too soon to tell.
But I'm going to enjoy what I can, when I can. Life is too short for less.
11 October 2010
Improving bit by bit.
So I had a pretty good therapy session yesterday. My doctor says that I'm making progress, without drugs and without excuses. I've come to think of his office as "my personal screaming place", because more often than not, I rail and rant and cry my eyes out in there. It's to the point where he has a box of tissues on the ready, because I always, always use them.
There's no doubt about it - this is easily the hardest undertaking that I've ever experienced. But I can slowly feel my mindset, my attitude, my whole life beginning to change. I still have moments where I feel the utter blackness, the lack of a future... but new thoughts are creeping into my empty brain, the realization that someone else's toxicity isn't either my fault or under my control. And I'm learning to just let go.
That sounds like such an easy thing to do... let go. But it's not as easy as people make it seem. I'm learning, though. Slowly, painfully, but learning.
I had the beginnings of lonely feelings last night. Instead of doing what I normally do (which would be either sinking into a deep, depressive funk and cry, or search frantically for someone or something to give me external validation and make me feel better - neither of which techniques work), I sought to find something that would make me laugh. And by God (pun intended), I found it.
Observe below. Yes, it's juvenile as hell. Yes, it's hysterical.
(For those of you who aren't familiar with the televangelist craze of the late 80's, the guy above is Robert Tilton, who used to run a megachurch out in Texas someplace and had a network TV show called 'Success N Life', from which most of these clips are taken. I remember it well. They used to show it on crappy little independent TV stations that were desperate to fill their airtime. Robert Tilton's "church" was exposed in 1991 on ABC News as a fraud.)
In any case, just watching that silly, sad video made me feel a lot better. And I didn't participate in any self-destructive habits to accomplish it. Therefore... well, I'm pretty proud of myself.
I'm not confident enough to say that my life is better - yet. But it's on an upswing, and after all I've been through, I guess that's good enough for me.
I think curling up for a nap with the kitteh sounds like a fine idea about now. :)
There's no doubt about it - this is easily the hardest undertaking that I've ever experienced. But I can slowly feel my mindset, my attitude, my whole life beginning to change. I still have moments where I feel the utter blackness, the lack of a future... but new thoughts are creeping into my empty brain, the realization that someone else's toxicity isn't either my fault or under my control. And I'm learning to just let go.
That sounds like such an easy thing to do... let go. But it's not as easy as people make it seem. I'm learning, though. Slowly, painfully, but learning.
I had the beginnings of lonely feelings last night. Instead of doing what I normally do (which would be either sinking into a deep, depressive funk and cry, or search frantically for someone or something to give me external validation and make me feel better - neither of which techniques work), I sought to find something that would make me laugh. And by God (pun intended), I found it.
Observe below. Yes, it's juvenile as hell. Yes, it's hysterical.
(For those of you who aren't familiar with the televangelist craze of the late 80's, the guy above is Robert Tilton, who used to run a megachurch out in Texas someplace and had a network TV show called 'Success N Life', from which most of these clips are taken. I remember it well. They used to show it on crappy little independent TV stations that were desperate to fill their airtime. Robert Tilton's "church" was exposed in 1991 on ABC News as a fraud.)
In any case, just watching that silly, sad video made me feel a lot better. And I didn't participate in any self-destructive habits to accomplish it. Therefore... well, I'm pretty proud of myself.
I'm not confident enough to say that my life is better - yet. But it's on an upswing, and after all I've been through, I guess that's good enough for me.
I think curling up for a nap with the kitteh sounds like a fine idea about now. :)
03 October 2010
Weekends suck.
I’ve just woken and I’m not really coherent, still – but there’s sort of a heaviness in my heart, which isn’t too good of a sign. The weekends are definitely the worst time for me, because my mind isn’t occupied with work or other matters. I know that there’s a lot to be done around here with the house, cleaning up, unpacking and sorting (things that I still haven’t gotten to yet)… but I can’t seem to get up the motivation to do it. I think that some of that has to do with not facing the inevitable memories that will come with unpacking my things – easier for me to pretend that it all never happened.
People can’t understand why I constantly buy and replace furnishings, books, objects. I honestly think that’s my way of purging bad memories from my mind. I have a perfectly good mattress upstairs that I could sleep on – but in my head, that mattress represents pain, as a good deal of things happened concerning that bed that I don’t want to remember anymore. That’s why I want rid of it. That’s why I’m sleeping on this Godawful sofa. And quite honestly, I’ll be probably getting rid of that too soon. Too much associated with it that I don’t want to think about any longer.
Moving on has been a bit easier than I’d anticipated. I think it’s just a matter of filling the now-empty time with other activities, which I’m trying to do. Therapy has been a big help in filling up Sundays, because it takes so long to get there and back, so that’s good. And I’d had plans for yesterday, only they were waylaid because of a nasty headache. I still find that I’m physically unwell during the weekends, and that’s probably psychosomatic. It’s something to talk to the doctor about, I think.
I dearly wish I had more confidence in myself. That’s something that I’ve never held an abundance of, and it’s even worse these days.
Otherwise, I’ve been all right, I guess. The weekdays aren’t so hard, because I’m busy and my empty head is occupied with other things. It’s the weekends that I have trouble with.
But I will be fine… won’t I?
02 September 2010
78 rpm where it was 33 1/3.
My life is beginning to race in directions that only a month ago seemed incomprehensible.
This week, my workplace is having a three-day conference, of which we're now on the second day. I was (am) on the planning committee for this shindig, and had thought up until yesterday that it was just flat out going to suck - the consensus was that there was no consensus as far as what kind of activities to plan or what exactly to discuss. But now that it's actually gotten started, I've discovered that the speakers that we've hired are actually terrific. They've been quite inspirational, and I am not usually the kind of person that takes anything valuable away from public speakers. (Most of the time, I end up half asleep.)
Today, we had a class about emotional intelligence - it's a "hot button" topic right now in the world of employment. I had taken this class last year with a different instructor, and it was helpful then - but the instructor we had today was just that much better. I gained quite a bit from the class - mainly about self-control (something that I seriously need a lot more of). I didn't agree with everything she said, of course. One of the main sticking points that I had trouble with was about how everything in life was a choice - I could choose to be depressed, or I could choose to be positive. I see some truth in that, but I completely disagree about the phrase "choosing to be depressed" - no one chooses to have a debilitating mental illness, trust me on this point. And I said as much. But in some ways, her other points were made in that I spoke up for myself and didn't just "take it lying down". In the past, I wouldn't have questioned such rhetoric, I'd have just sat there and passively agreed - which is the wrong, wrong, wrong thing to do. In defending myself, I was proactive, and I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I think that everyone else was, too.
But even if they weren't - that's not the end of my world, now is it?
One of the most valuable life lessons that I've taken out of this is: "It's not that serious."
You know what I mean by that? Life just isn't that serious that I need to be freaking out over every little thing. I'm what they call a "driver" - a person that's more task-focused than people-focused, and fast-paced as opposed to slow. Unfortunately, "drivers" want control, and panic when they don't have it. And that describes me perfectly - I've searched all of my life for something I could control, in vain. The consequences are that I've lived my life in a state of anxiety, which ... leads to depression. It's no wonder that I am what I am, is it?!!?
My therapy has begun. I walked out from that last session tired, wrung out and exhausted from sobbing. But I also felt oddly lighter, more involved with the world and less within my own head. I have probably the only doctor in Maryland with Sunday appointments - I really lucked out, there.
I also saw my friend from the Camden train this morning. It was only for a few minutes, but he said hello, I said hello, and we shared a little bit about our work schedules. I was able to explain that I was on the night shift this month, which was why I hadn't seen him. I'm glad I said that, I didn't want him to think I'd just disappeared. He's a nice person. The first friend I've made in a long, long time. And I don't even know his name (yet). But it was so, so good to connect with someone, even if only for a moment.
I can't guarantee that I'll be able to hold on to this feeling all the time, but I feel that I've taken away a lot of things from this class, and indeed from the last week or two. My good streak continues. I've been able to function, and function well. I think that perhaps I've begun my starting over. I hope. For the first time in a long time.... in months.... perhaps years... I have hope!
Last day of the conference/work before the Labor Day weekend. I might head down to Beadazzled later this weekend and pick up on that new hobby I want to try. Who knows, maybe I'll really enjoy it! And I leave for the Bahamas in a week....
So much going on and so little time. Life is getting better. I hope that it keeps up!
This week, my workplace is having a three-day conference, of which we're now on the second day. I was (am) on the planning committee for this shindig, and had thought up until yesterday that it was just flat out going to suck - the consensus was that there was no consensus as far as what kind of activities to plan or what exactly to discuss. But now that it's actually gotten started, I've discovered that the speakers that we've hired are actually terrific. They've been quite inspirational, and I am not usually the kind of person that takes anything valuable away from public speakers. (Most of the time, I end up half asleep.)
Today, we had a class about emotional intelligence - it's a "hot button" topic right now in the world of employment. I had taken this class last year with a different instructor, and it was helpful then - but the instructor we had today was just that much better. I gained quite a bit from the class - mainly about self-control (something that I seriously need a lot more of). I didn't agree with everything she said, of course. One of the main sticking points that I had trouble with was about how everything in life was a choice - I could choose to be depressed, or I could choose to be positive. I see some truth in that, but I completely disagree about the phrase "choosing to be depressed" - no one chooses to have a debilitating mental illness, trust me on this point. And I said as much. But in some ways, her other points were made in that I spoke up for myself and didn't just "take it lying down". In the past, I wouldn't have questioned such rhetoric, I'd have just sat there and passively agreed - which is the wrong, wrong, wrong thing to do. In defending myself, I was proactive, and I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I think that everyone else was, too.
But even if they weren't - that's not the end of my world, now is it?
One of the most valuable life lessons that I've taken out of this is: "It's not that serious."
You know what I mean by that? Life just isn't that serious that I need to be freaking out over every little thing. I'm what they call a "driver" - a person that's more task-focused than people-focused, and fast-paced as opposed to slow. Unfortunately, "drivers" want control, and panic when they don't have it. And that describes me perfectly - I've searched all of my life for something I could control, in vain. The consequences are that I've lived my life in a state of anxiety, which ... leads to depression. It's no wonder that I am what I am, is it?!!?
My therapy has begun. I walked out from that last session tired, wrung out and exhausted from sobbing. But I also felt oddly lighter, more involved with the world and less within my own head. I have probably the only doctor in Maryland with Sunday appointments - I really lucked out, there.
I also saw my friend from the Camden train this morning. It was only for a few minutes, but he said hello, I said hello, and we shared a little bit about our work schedules. I was able to explain that I was on the night shift this month, which was why I hadn't seen him. I'm glad I said that, I didn't want him to think I'd just disappeared. He's a nice person. The first friend I've made in a long, long time. And I don't even know his name (yet). But it was so, so good to connect with someone, even if only for a moment.
I can't guarantee that I'll be able to hold on to this feeling all the time, but I feel that I've taken away a lot of things from this class, and indeed from the last week or two. My good streak continues. I've been able to function, and function well. I think that perhaps I've begun my starting over. I hope. For the first time in a long time.... in months.... perhaps years... I have hope!
Last day of the conference/work before the Labor Day weekend. I might head down to Beadazzled later this weekend and pick up on that new hobby I want to try. Who knows, maybe I'll really enjoy it! And I leave for the Bahamas in a week....
So much going on and so little time. Life is getting better. I hope that it keeps up!
25 August 2010
So. Life rolls on.
It might seem like a really bad thing to say, but as of late, my life has been more or less quiet and calm, with little to no flareups of the depression or anything close to it. Of course, that's not a bad thing for ME - I'm enjoying this stretch of peace immensely. However, I find that the peace has come at a cost. I pretty much no longer have any kind of social life or connections or obligations. I find myself in the same position that I was in thirteen years ago - alone, isolated, hiding from the world in my little living space. The only difference is that it's a house now, not an apartment.
And yet I'm not unhappy about it. I feel that I need to just stay away from people right now, do my best to heal from all of the stress and abuse and bullshit that I've seen and heard and experienced, and live for myself - something that I don't think I've ever learned how to do. I feel an odd thrill every time I pay my mortgage, or find myself planning a shopping trip - little things that the "normal" take for granted every day, but for me have been a constant struggle. Yes, sometimes I get very lonely - I won't lie. But if that's the price that I have to pay for some sense of order and normalcy, then so be it.
I'm completely turned off of any type of intimacy right now, anyway - physical, emotional, mental. I'm not ready for it, and may honestly never be ready for it. That's okay, right now. I find that it's okay to just not want to deal with humanity on any but the most superficial level at the moment. I need to heal, and to learn to live with myself, in whatever form that might take. That's why the therapy.
The first appointment is on Monday afternoon at 4pm. Would it be strange to say that I'm half looking forward to it, and half dreading it? I'm looking forward to it because I know it's the beginning of what may turn out to be the longest, hardest journey of my life - but I'm dreading it because I know, I know, I KNOW it's going to be full of incredible, paralyzing pain. You see, I've been in therapy, but I've never really told anyone a lot of the things that I've been through - I've never been able to stay with a therapist long enough to delve past the basics. Hopefully, this time will be different. As a matter of fact, my doctor called me personally a few minutes ago to confirm the appointment and said that he was looking forward to meeting me on Monday. None of my previous doctors ever did such a thing - so I consider it a good omen. I'm hoping that this will help me start to heal from all of the crap I've been through in my life, whether it was self-caused or not.
I am so ready to start to live and not just exist.
Work is somewhat a mixed bag - while some good things have happened in the last few days, other things have become irritants that I'm not going to be able to ignore much longer. As usual, it has to do with coworkers being idiots, only I think I've begun to find my voice as far as protesting such behavior is concerned. Where I might have once let my complaints fester unspoken and shred me up inside with stress, instead I've been speaking out and making my opinion known. Somehow I'm just not afraid anymore to say something, perhaps?
One of the possible "good" things is that I may be considered for the "customer service of the year" award - this will be my second year in a row that I've been chosen for it, should I win. Honestly, though? I don't want it. I've been made fun of in sneaky, snide little ways ever since I won it last year, and I don't want the burden of it again. I keep telling myself that everyone who makes snarky little comments is jealous of my achievements - and I know that, deep down. But I've had to deal with jealousy all of my life every time I've managed to do something well or achieve good things. It's funny, but one of my ex-boyfriends (specifically Matt) once said, "You always seem(ed) so afraid to show how smart you really are/were."
Well, no wonder. Wouldn't you be afraid if you knew that people were going to attack you with nasty, back-handed comments when you managed to achieve something positive or "win" a contest of some kind?
Meh. I had so much to say, but as usual it's all gone after a long, exhausting day at work. This week has been absolutely brutal, especially Tuesday. I've found that I need to take a Tylenol PM every now and then in order to sleep without pain. It's just another sign that I'm starting to get old and I'm not going to be in great health in a few years if I keep going the way I am. At one time, I could have cared less, but now... well, I don't know if I still don't care or not, but I want a shot at trying to improve things. At least, today I do, anyway.
Blugh. You all know what I mean. I'm too tired to try and correct myself tonight, heh.
Meh. I had so much to say, but as usual it's all gone after a long, exhausting day at work. This week has been absolutely brutal, especially Tuesday. I've found that I need to take a Tylenol PM every now and then in order to sleep without pain. It's just another sign that I'm starting to get old and I'm not going to be in great health in a few years if I keep going the way I am. At one time, I could have cared less, but now... well, I don't know if I still don't care or not, but I want a shot at trying to improve things. At least, today I do, anyway.
Blugh. You all know what I mean. I'm too tired to try and correct myself tonight, heh.
21 August 2010
Hmmm.
I know I haven't been around for quite a while. It's been, yet again, another strange week. Things have happened that are a little too painful to talk about right now (i.e, recent negativity), and yet... yesterday and today I've been queerly happy, contented, even somewhat settled. It could be that in letting go of what has been hurting (even as a vague, somewhat nettling ache), I have been rewarded with the feeling of peace.
It could be that I am finally living my life on my terms, without feeling the need to please anyone but myself. True, I may not have much of a "life" right now - I basically eat, sleep, shit, go to work, come home, pet Miss Thang every now and then, do what I feel I am mentally capable of doing that day - but this light, simple routine has made all of the difference. It also could be that I know I'm going back to therapy and therefore my traitorous mind has settled down into a 'normal' pattern - which, of course, will make me look crazy and idiotic to the doctor. Sigh. I don't know, but I'll grab any feeling of peace that I can get right now.
The IRS has sent back a letter demanding more paperwork. Meh. So it's all copied and ready to send down to the post office on Monday morning. Overnight. With registered mail confirmation. I'm done playing with these jerk-offs. Obama promised me eight thousand dollars, and I want it, goddamnit. I want a real bed to sleep on and real dishes to eat off of.
Another semester is done at UMUC. I finished my Spanish exam last night, and am turning in my final crim report tomorrow evening before I go to bed. Then, a month to relax and get it together before the next semester - biology and web design, bleh, but it's seven credits closer to my goal. After this upcoming semester, I'll already be halfway done to a degree. Seems REALLY hard to believe - I feel like I've just started. I may have to start taking three classes at a clip so that I can possibly finish this before I'm too far from 40. It's not like my time is being filled with anything else at the moment, so what the hell.
In the last few days, I've managed to think - clearly - about my plans for the future and what I want out of life. And it's turned out that I actually still have dreams, unbelievably. I'd love to finish this degree, improve this house, I still have some hobbies on the back burner that I'd like to pursue again (tie-dying, beading, that sort of hippie shit, heh). And, of course, I want to travel, all over the world. I'd love to go back to Australia one day, maybe the U.K., South America - I'd love to see the Panama Canal or go to Costa Rica or Ecuador. Maybe that Spanish I took would be good for something, heh. I'm planning a huge blowout for my 40th birthday, some place that's exotic and impossible to get to without a lot of time and preparation, I'm going to do it up. One would think that Australia is exotic and impossible to get to - and it is - but it might be there, it might be South America.... or Antarctica. Shit, how many people have been to Antarctica before? I'd bet not many!
In any case, I'm going to celebrate my 40th, when it comes. I'm going to celebrate the fact that I am alive, and that I've fought all of these demons for so long and I'm still fucking HERE. For today, depression isn't going to get the best of me. Tomorrow, maybe I might not feel that way, but today - it won't. And I think that's the person that I really am, deep beneath all of the sadness and the pain.
One of my closest friends, who understands me better than any person walking, once said that I was steel. He's right.
It could be that I am finally living my life on my terms, without feeling the need to please anyone but myself. True, I may not have much of a "life" right now - I basically eat, sleep, shit, go to work, come home, pet Miss Thang every now and then, do what I feel I am mentally capable of doing that day - but this light, simple routine has made all of the difference. It also could be that I know I'm going back to therapy and therefore my traitorous mind has settled down into a 'normal' pattern - which, of course, will make me look crazy and idiotic to the doctor. Sigh. I don't know, but I'll grab any feeling of peace that I can get right now.
The IRS has sent back a letter demanding more paperwork. Meh. So it's all copied and ready to send down to the post office on Monday morning. Overnight. With registered mail confirmation. I'm done playing with these jerk-offs. Obama promised me eight thousand dollars, and I want it, goddamnit. I want a real bed to sleep on and real dishes to eat off of.
Another semester is done at UMUC. I finished my Spanish exam last night, and am turning in my final crim report tomorrow evening before I go to bed. Then, a month to relax and get it together before the next semester - biology and web design, bleh, but it's seven credits closer to my goal. After this upcoming semester, I'll already be halfway done to a degree. Seems REALLY hard to believe - I feel like I've just started. I may have to start taking three classes at a clip so that I can possibly finish this before I'm too far from 40. It's not like my time is being filled with anything else at the moment, so what the hell.
In the last few days, I've managed to think - clearly - about my plans for the future and what I want out of life. And it's turned out that I actually still have dreams, unbelievably. I'd love to finish this degree, improve this house, I still have some hobbies on the back burner that I'd like to pursue again (tie-dying, beading, that sort of hippie shit, heh). And, of course, I want to travel, all over the world. I'd love to go back to Australia one day, maybe the U.K., South America - I'd love to see the Panama Canal or go to Costa Rica or Ecuador. Maybe that Spanish I took would be good for something, heh. I'm planning a huge blowout for my 40th birthday, some place that's exotic and impossible to get to without a lot of time and preparation, I'm going to do it up. One would think that Australia is exotic and impossible to get to - and it is - but it might be there, it might be South America.... or Antarctica. Shit, how many people have been to Antarctica before? I'd bet not many!
In any case, I'm going to celebrate my 40th, when it comes. I'm going to celebrate the fact that I am alive, and that I've fought all of these demons for so long and I'm still fucking HERE. For today, depression isn't going to get the best of me. Tomorrow, maybe I might not feel that way, but today - it won't. And I think that's the person that I really am, deep beneath all of the sadness and the pain.
One of my closest friends, who understands me better than any person walking, once said that I was steel. He's right.
30 September 2009
Luvox and hope.
Today is my fifth day on the Luvox, and already I'm noticing some improvements. I'm able to talk to people again - about real things now, not just conversational filler such as "uh-huh" and "oh rilly" and "is that right". It's early days. I'm not quite out of the woods yet. But I'm starting to see a difference. I'm not sure if others do, no one has told me so if there is, but ... it's just how I feel, I guess. I've actually said that I would meet one of my friends later in the month for a drink, provided that they get their shit together... this is a move that I couldn't have made even a couple of weeks ago. As far as I'm concerned, that's a huge step. And a good one.
It's been a long, hard-assed road, this depression of mine. It'll be with me for life, I know that, and I may never get off of these meds.. but if I can feel better like this, after so many years of frankly not remembering shit, I'll take them as long as I need to. It's worth it.
As "consciousness" returns to me, I see that I need to not only acknowledge my past mistakes, but I need to maybe start forgiving people instead of holding grudges against them. And maybe the first person that I need to start with is myself. I've done a lot of things in my life that I'm not proud of, some of which would curl your toes, dear Reader. I've really done some awful things in my life. But... I need to maybe understand that I might have had to do some of those things in order to survive, or to get through. I've probably had this depression since my early teens - certainly all of the signs and symptoms were there, so I've been told. And I believe it. There are portions of my life from those days that I only partially remember. It hurts, a lot. But perhaps I need to start forgiving myself. I've paid my dues, in pain and in tears - so now maybe, just maybe, it's time to let things go for good. What do you think?
Lots of reflection today. I guess that this Luvox stuff has cleared the cobwebs out of my brain, at least for now anyway. I hope that my new-found clarity stays with me... but if not I'll keep trying to find it.
Thanks for listening.
It's been a long, hard-assed road, this depression of mine. It'll be with me for life, I know that, and I may never get off of these meds.. but if I can feel better like this, after so many years of frankly not remembering shit, I'll take them as long as I need to. It's worth it.
As "consciousness" returns to me, I see that I need to not only acknowledge my past mistakes, but I need to maybe start forgiving people instead of holding grudges against them. And maybe the first person that I need to start with is myself. I've done a lot of things in my life that I'm not proud of, some of which would curl your toes, dear Reader. I've really done some awful things in my life. But... I need to maybe understand that I might have had to do some of those things in order to survive, or to get through. I've probably had this depression since my early teens - certainly all of the signs and symptoms were there, so I've been told. And I believe it. There are portions of my life from those days that I only partially remember. It hurts, a lot. But perhaps I need to start forgiving myself. I've paid my dues, in pain and in tears - so now maybe, just maybe, it's time to let things go for good. What do you think?
Lots of reflection today. I guess that this Luvox stuff has cleared the cobwebs out of my brain, at least for now anyway. I hope that my new-found clarity stays with me... but if not I'll keep trying to find it.
Thanks for listening.
24 September 2009
Some stuff going on, not much noteworthy...
There's a lot of mess going on down at work right now, mainly with Useless (the other one that I've been wanting to get rid of for some time now). I think she's going to be fired. And trust me, that's a huge reason to cheer, as I've been wanting her gone for months now... but at the same time I'm ambivalent about it, because it means a good deal of the work is going to fall on my shoulders. But... hasn't it been anyway?
At least now they'll have a chance to find someone that actually wants to work.
Otherwise, all is somewhat calm in casa Ray. I had a really bad moment this week when I didn't think I was going to make my doctor's appointment tomorrow because of a schedule conflict at work, but in the end I prevailed. Put it this way - if they can give someone a week off because they were trapped in an elevator for 20 minutes, they can damned well give me an appointment to get the medicine that I desperately need in order to function.
(Yes, this is a true story. Useless has taken the entire week off because she was trapped in an elevator for 20 minutes on Monday. I swear to God, you just can't make some things up. It's not for this reason that I think she's going to be fired, but it sure doesn't help her case, now does it.)
Things have calmed down, and I feel a little better, though I'm going to talk to the doctor about maybe either adjusting my meds or getting something different. The mood swings continue, some very badly. They're just not coming as frequently. Also, the social anxiety is getting positively ridiculous. I don't even want to go out and see friends that I already have, never mind make new ones.
I want you all, the few of you that have continued to stick around, to know this, and it's important, please read it - my reticence and pulling away from you is NOT YOUR FAULT. It's my disorder right now, that's the only thing I can blame it on. I want to hang out, talk to you, have fun with you - it's my depression and anxiety that is the reason why I'm avoiding you right now. It is NOTHING you have done. If I seem like I have nothing to say right now, or that I'm hiding, or that I'm not talking to you, etc., it's me. Please continue to bear with me as you have been, and I promise that I'll work on fixing these issues. I want to be social with you all. I really do. There's nothing I want more.
Pretty tired now, so I'm going to hit the sack, but I'll write more this weekend. Thanks for bearing with me so far, if you're still around. You guys mean the world to me, and more.
<3
At least now they'll have a chance to find someone that actually wants to work.
Otherwise, all is somewhat calm in casa Ray. I had a really bad moment this week when I didn't think I was going to make my doctor's appointment tomorrow because of a schedule conflict at work, but in the end I prevailed. Put it this way - if they can give someone a week off because they were trapped in an elevator for 20 minutes, they can damned well give me an appointment to get the medicine that I desperately need in order to function.
(Yes, this is a true story. Useless has taken the entire week off because she was trapped in an elevator for 20 minutes on Monday. I swear to God, you just can't make some things up. It's not for this reason that I think she's going to be fired, but it sure doesn't help her case, now does it.)
Things have calmed down, and I feel a little better, though I'm going to talk to the doctor about maybe either adjusting my meds or getting something different. The mood swings continue, some very badly. They're just not coming as frequently. Also, the social anxiety is getting positively ridiculous. I don't even want to go out and see friends that I already have, never mind make new ones.
I want you all, the few of you that have continued to stick around, to know this, and it's important, please read it - my reticence and pulling away from you is NOT YOUR FAULT. It's my disorder right now, that's the only thing I can blame it on. I want to hang out, talk to you, have fun with you - it's my depression and anxiety that is the reason why I'm avoiding you right now. It is NOTHING you have done. If I seem like I have nothing to say right now, or that I'm hiding, or that I'm not talking to you, etc., it's me. Please continue to bear with me as you have been, and I promise that I'll work on fixing these issues. I want to be social with you all. I really do. There's nothing I want more.
Pretty tired now, so I'm going to hit the sack, but I'll write more this weekend. Thanks for bearing with me so far, if you're still around. You guys mean the world to me, and more.
<3
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