Well, situation normal. It's all fucked up. :p

This past week has been absolutely horrendous. In the course of just 7 days, I've been feeling like utter crap, I've gained 3 pounds (putting me nearly back to the start of the year - when is this shit ever going to get better, damn it?), I've been harassed at work (I hesitate to say sexual harassment, but in truth that's exactly what it falls under) and now face the possibility of making a formal complaint, my mortgage went up by 40 dollars a month, I've lost my state tax refund because of the escrow shortage, and my cat's been puking up hairballs all over the house. I don't know if she's sick - she doesn't seem to be - but I'm a little concerned.

Fuck. Could this week have been any worse?

What absolutely amazes me is that for the most part, I've held it together and not crumbled to pieces. I keep reminding myself that things could be, and have been, a lot worse. Still, I didn't appreciate everything raining down on my head all at once, you know?

I was supposed to clean this weekend, but after all of this bullshit, I've pretty much boiled it down to "fuck this, I'll do what I like", heh. I am so tired, and it just seems that every bit of human contact that I've had recently has been nothing but a source of irritation. Though maybe it's nothing except paranoia, I just get this overwhelming sense that everything is either going wrong or is about to.

I look around and I see all of these things that I either want to do or, worse, need to be done... and I can't seem to find any enthusiasm or will to do any of it. It's like, what's the point?

Even my therapy recently hasn't much helped this sense of impending doom.

Maybe I'm just going through a bad patch right now, I don't know, but I wish it would stop.

Okay, bitching over. :p /complaint

So far, 2011 has been a suck year....

...at least on the health front, anyway. For once, it's not mental or anything connected with depression.

I've had a horrible case of vertigo for the last couple of days. I went to my vision doctor today to see if it had anything to do with my glasses, but it doesn't. Which means that I either have a viral infection (possible) or high blood pressure (possible, but unlikely).

If I have a viral infection, I got it - where else - from the fuckheads at work.

I'm getting really tired of catching these assmonkeys' diseases. Everything that I've been sick with in the last three years, I've caught from either my coworkers or the crackheads. It's getting fucking old, man.

Anyhow. What else is new, heh.

Weekends suck.

I’ve just woken and I’m not really coherent, still – but there’s sort of a heaviness in my heart, which isn’t too good of a sign. The weekends are definitely the worst time for me, because my mind isn’t occupied with work or other matters. I know that there’s a lot to be done around here with the house, cleaning up, unpacking and sorting (things that I still haven’t gotten to yet)… but I can’t seem to get up the motivation to do it. I think that some of that has to do with not facing the inevitable memories that will come with unpacking my things – easier for me to pretend that it all never happened.

People can’t understand why I constantly buy and replace furnishings, books, objects. I honestly think that’s my way of purging bad memories from my mind. I have a perfectly good mattress upstairs that I could sleep on – but in my head, that mattress represents pain, as a good deal of things happened concerning that bed that I don’t want to remember anymore. That’s why I want rid of it. That’s why I’m sleeping on this Godawful sofa. And quite honestly, I’ll be probably getting rid of that too soon. Too much associated with it that I don’t want to think about any longer.

Moving on has been a bit easier than I’d anticipated. I think it’s just a matter of filling the now-empty time with other activities, which I’m trying to do. Therapy has been a big help in filling up Sundays, because it takes so long to get there and back, so that’s good. And I’d had plans for yesterday, only they were waylaid because of a nasty headache. I still find that I’m physically unwell during the weekends, and that’s probably psychosomatic. It’s something to talk to the doctor about, I think.

I dearly wish I had more confidence in myself. That’s something that I’ve never held an abundance of, and it’s even worse these days.

Otherwise, I’ve been all right, I guess. The weekdays aren’t so hard, because I’m busy and my empty head is occupied with other things. It’s the weekends that I have trouble with.

But I will be fine… won’t I?

An update to the blog. Unfortunate, but necessary.

I was going through my blog this evening, cleaning up fragments of drafts and whatnot, when I noticed that there were 26 comments on one very old post, and 74 on another. We're talking about posts from as old as July of last year. I knew then that the comment spammers had hit once again.

I had set this blog to not allow unmoderated comments past 2 weeks. But unfortunately, the spammers are clever and have somehow got around this limit, so... unfortunately, I will now have to set all comments as being moderated and I will have to approve them before they are posted. It irritates me to have to do this. I'm not anyone's mother to be approving what people say beforehand.

But, unfortunately, I also do not have time to be cleaning up after these motherfuckers. It took me an hour just to clean up the 74 comment post. These idiots are truly, indeed, idiotic - I don't have 74 fucking friends that would leave comments on this thing. I'm lucky if I have 5 people reading this, heh! In any case, such as it is, I need to turn the comment moderation on, and I'm truly a.) irritated by the fact that I have to do so and b.) sorry for the inconvenience.

Please don't let this discourage you all from posting comments, should you have any. I read this blog every day and check up on it, so your comments will go through fairly fast AND uncensored - no worries on that score.

I am, however, making a suggestion to Blogger tonight that they allow the ability to delete unwanted comments en masse. It is ridiculous that it took me 60 minutes to clean up ONE post. Thank Christ that it wasn't worse.

Why these oozing assholes think people want their crappy Cialis and Accutane through the mail is beyond my comprehension or understanding, heh.

Cheers.

And so, here's the beginning.

Today, I've made a very real stab at packing, sorting and cleaning my stuff for moving - again. As I'm working, I feel a very real sense of sadness that, once again, it's come to this and I have to pull up what little roots I've established. I try to comfort myself with the fact that this is what could amount to being the very last time I ever have to do this, but it doesn't blunt the sadness that I feel. It's compounded by some very real issues that I'm facing in that I feel like I'm losing the last bits of support that I had for the last few years, which have been very difficult, as you know if you've been reading here with any sort of regularity. I'm not too sure that I'm strong enough to deal with it, emotionally or mentally, but as usual, the choice has been taken away from me - I have no choice but to deal with it, as I've had to deal with everything else that has been painful to me over the years.

I was telling someone recently that it'll be very, very hard not to just isolate myself from everything and everyone once I'm settled - because I know myself well, it might be what will happen. It's yet another cycle where I attempt to make effort to be social - it works for a brief time - then crash and burn, and back to hiding from life for a few years, to "lick my wounds", if you will.

People just don't understand or "get" me, nor I them. They don't understand why I'm not more excited about this house thing, they don't understand why I'm not head-over-heels happy about my grades (I got an A in my information systems course, don't know about the others as of this writing), they don't understand why I'm not more happy about my promotion at work, etc. That's just it - I am happy, okay, but I'm not manic-excited over anything. I can't seem to summon up that much feeling. And maybe that's what's wrong with me. I just feel nothing other than fatalistic, to be honest. "Oh, really. That's great, thanks." Sort of like, I'll take whatever comes, be it good news or a slap in the face, with my fully expecting the latter reaction to happen.

I was thinking the other day about all of the bridges I've burned behind me, and all of the ones that are pretty much on fire now, as I'm transitioning out of my old life and into the unknown. I don't go backward in time anymore, or I try not to. I've learned well what happens when you try to live in the past. Besides, most of my memories are bad, even if I thought at one time they were a good thing... a good example of that is the days where I was running a bulletin board. I thought for a long time that this was a good period in my life, but... when I think of it now, I just want to forget that it ever happened, for some reason. I wasn't a good person back then, nor did I accomplish anything of value. And all of the people connected with that time... they don't evoke any bad memories for me but at the same time I kind of just shy away from them, because I don't know them anymore. They're people I once hung out with, but they're not truly in my life now, nor would I think they'd understand me if they were. I'm in a different place and time... hell, maybe I'm in a different world altogether. The point is that anyone who gets close to me had maybe best be prepared for what always seems to happen... they're going to get left behind, because that's just what it's always been. And it's not of my own choice. They either leave me, or life takes them away.

Anyway. This is starting to take a depressing turn, not that I haven't half felt that way all day, so I'd best end here. If you got this far, that's great, but as usual I've had nothing productive to say, it's just a bunch of fucking whining. Now that I'm good at.

Later.

4am and wide awake.

I should be asleep, especially since I have an exam (the information systems) tonight, but no - I'm laying here with the light on and writing in here. I feel like I'm cracking up. Yesterday, the hell that I call my workplace attempted to tell me that I work this weekend - the same weekend that I have all of these exams and papers due. And I admit it - I lost it. I completely and totally lost it and started sobbing. Right in front of an offender. I have never felt so humiliated in my life, or so upset.

I am not proud of myself right about now.

But, I'm not ashamed either. I lost it, and I lost it because I'm burned out. I can only go so long, bear so much, be this perfect fucking saint that everyone seems to expect. I'm tired of everyone wanting something from me. After a while, you have nothing left to give, and I'm about at that point. I need to hibernate from life for a while. The end of this semester will certainly help that, but I wish I could take a break from school. Alas, my loan deferment will end if I do that, and I definitely can't afford it. So I'll have to enroll again, but maybe I'll take a couple of easy courses this time, just to recover from this stupid math shit. God, I hate math. I despise it, loathe it.

I have felt so sad this week. I don't know if it's a lingering effect from the last post, or because I'm going through some physical discomfort right now, or stress, or all three. But I'm tired of feeling sad. I just want some peace. Really, if someone were to ask me what I wanted above all, it's that - peace.

That's too much to ask, I know. But it doesn't mean I can't want it.

Godalmighty, just help me get through this day without wanting to bury a knife into myself.

A mish-mash of jumbled thoughts all wrapped into one pretty package.

I've been snowed in over here for the last week. Haven't had to work or deal with drug addicts or urine for nearly 7 days now. However, during the course of this massive storm, I've had to check every day for the operating status of the gubmint - there's a special website we go to in order to know whether we're open or closed - and in the course of reading several federal-related blogs, I've come across sentiments like these below:

"Those of us who work for a living are honored to support your lazy butt staying in bed...it isn't as if you woulda done anything had you been there!

Yep, what we need is bigger Government!"

(Taken from The Federal Eye, 2/10/09)

Or...

"The federal workers who had a day off today should have been required to shovel snow."

Or this little gem here...

"The Federal Government -- great "work" (and I'm using that term very loosely-- if you can get it. For us poor schmucks out in the occupied provinces who have to pick up the tab, it's not so good."

Okay. This is all I've got to say about this bullshit above -

1.) I'd telework if I could do so, but it's a little difficult taking urine over the Internet. If anyone's got a way to do this, bring it on and let me know, because I'd have rather worked than spent this entire week snowbound at home. It's not like I could get out of my house, anyway.

2.) The Washington Metro subway isn't running. Neither are the MARC trains. What do people expect me to do, walk from Baltimore? It's not happening. I can't even get down to Calvert Street, never mind D.C. If the public transportation doesn't run, neither do I. You tell me what to do, should I hang on to the back of a fucking snowplow?

3.) If you had to work all this week in a snowstorm, blame your employer - not me. I don't set your hours. If it were up to me, I'd let everyone have a free week off, pay you, the whole deal. This wasn't a vacation for me. I spent 3 out of the last 7 days going stir fucking crazy in this house - I know I've had at least one depressive attack, if not more. So as far as I'm concerned, those who are complaining can shove it up their asses.

This has been the biggest snowstorm.. well, ever. This is unprecedented. We here in Baltimore/D.C. are not used to this bullshit, this isn't Minnesota. People should not expect us to know what to do in a situation like this, because it's never happened. We just have no clue about how to cope.

In other news... I'm upset about my checking account. Some company on the Internet decided to pluck my debit card number out of thin air and run 320 dollars' worth of charges on my account. That was pretty much my entire paycheck for the next 2 weeks, so I'm needless to say furious. I've disputed the charges, of course, but since this is my checking account, I literally have no money until the next payday. In some ways, I'm lucky that I didn't have to work this week, because I'd be in serious trouble if I had. My debit card is my lifeline, literally, and the fact that I had to cancel it, that is also a source of fury. I knew that number backward and forward to the point where I didn't even need the actual card itself. Now I have to memorize a whole new number - good luck with that.

I'm working it out, but in the meantime I'm fucked. I will say one thing - do not, do not, do not do any business with a place called Digital River - they're somewhere in the wilds of fucking Minnesota. Apparently they handle some antivirus shit. I don't need such services, so I know damned well these charges are unfuckingauthorized. But I'll get it taken care of. I've reported them to the BBB, too. Let's see how they enjoy that little piece of news.

I did, however, pay off a good chunk of my debts this week. I'm not sure of how much credit-to-debit ratio I have now, but I know it's under 40%. That's good. That's VERY good.

Anyway, hopefully they'll clear these streets up soon so I can get out of here for a while. I don't really want to go back to work, but if they do call open tomorrow, it'll be okay - it's Friday. Won't be much going on.

No word on the crim grades yet. Doing well in the math course, surprisingly. And the IFSM is disgustingly easy. So far.

Okay, that's it for now. Nothing else doing.

Oh, no, not again....

I am not feeling well once again, this time physically or mentally. The cold is still sticking around, this is true enough... but all of today I've been snappish, impatient with people, just a general bitch to be around. God, what the fuck is wrong with me?

I know I have a lot of things on my plate - work, school, the holidays - but that's no excuse for this. It really isn't.

I don't know what else to do but curl up and cry... what the living fuck is the matter with me?

I wish that I could say things are improving, but... today just isn't one of those days.

Meh.

Not doing too well.

I have felt a range of emotions today, most of them not good. From disconnection to anger to intense sadness, I've been through the wringer. I guess that this trip wasn't so good for my psyche after all, because I've been an emotional (and to a point, physical) wreck ever since. It's hard when you're criticized for 9 days straight and can't seem to get away from it... also hard to hear praises on high being heaped upon your sibling constantly at the same time.

I've given up ever thinking that my family will be anything but toxic to me. I'm not going to try anymore to gain their approval or their love. What's the point? It only gets me into a world of hurt. I don't even want anything from any of them anymore - no financial help, no contact, no nothing. I will do the basic minimum that I have to, and no more. I've taken major, major steps back in my emotional health and I can feel it.

It's times like this that I just want to drop everything and run away - to start over in a new place, new environment, where no one knows me and I can be who I am without any judgments or recriminations. But alas, this is real life and I can only 'escape' so much. Isn't that what I've tried to do all of my life? Escape?

In a way I'll be glad to go to work tomorrow - at least it's routine. I can go back to routine and just... try to repair the damage done.

Sorry for the "downer" post... not that I feel anyone's listening, anyway. I asked the question on my Facebook the other day, who would miss me if I never came back...

I got one response. That's right... one. At least that one person said something, and for that, Warren, I thank you...

I'm seriously about to just become a hermit. I won't get hurt that way....

An open letter to the people I serve at work.

I know that one of the conditions of your probation or parole is to give a urine sample for drugs. I also know that this is the last thing you want to be doing - I totally get that. Did you know that in the course of a day, I do little things for you all that help the process go by easier for you? I have an idea.. let's work together so that the process goes easier for both of us. Want to know how you can do that? Great.

Have a look at the following suggestions. Feel free to use one or all of them. I won't mind a bit.

1. Come in on time. That's right, it helps greatly when you all don't bum-rush us starting at 6:30 at night all the way up to closing time. We're open for 12 hours a day. Some of you don't have employment - so in truth you have no excuse whatsoever. We work hard and we like to go home to our families and friends at night, just like you do. If you do, however, decide to be rude and come in during the last 15 to 20 minutes we're open - don't expect a warm welcome or a big smile, because you won't get it. We're tired, and we want to leave. That leads us to suggestion #2...

2. Give your sample and leave. Don't engage us in conversation in the bathrooms. You're not supposed to be talking in there anyway, it's considered a distraction. And to be frank, we're not interested in what a bitch you think your parole officer is, or your complaints about how you have to do this every week/month. We didn't put you in the position you're in - you did. Don't blame us for your stupid actions. We also know you have friends out there in the waiting room - a sad thing in itself - but we don't appreciate the loud music or the cell phones blaring the latest 'gangsta' hit or the gossiping that you all seem to do while you're there. Your requirement is to pee and leave - that's it, thanks, no more is necessary.

3. Have some pride. Seriously, folks, this one isn't hard. When you're a child, you're taught to flush the toilet. Please do so. I take back over 200 people per day - that's a lot of urine. No one wants to see your offerings in the toilet when we come in there, okay? That's just trifling, if you want to put it bluntly. I don't want to see your piss, or your used tampons floating in the water, I don't want to see crumpled paper towels on the floor, I don't want to have to apologize to the next customer that comes in there with me because you couldn't clean up after your nasty self. Hygiene is a fucking basic - I don't care how many drugs you've done, you know better than to do that shit in your home, at least I hope you do. Don't do it here either.

4. Don't argue with me; you'll lose.
This one is simple. You're there because you're on probation or parole. You're there to serve your time and to pay for what you've done wrong. Therefore if I tell you that you need to do something - you do it. Period. No arguments, no whining, no bitching. I run the show here, not you. If I have people waiting in line to submit their samples, you don't get moved to the front of the line on a whim. If I need a new picture of you, you're going to do it - if you don't, you don't test, and you can explain that to your parole officer when you're sanctioned for not doing what you're supposed to. If you need paperwork for me to process you, you'll get that paper before I do one thing to your record. You don't get it? You don't test. That's it - no argument. This is your life I'm handling here - if you don't have enough respect for your own life, that's not my problem, but I'll be damned if I'm going to get into trouble for your stupidity.

5. Do something with your life. I see too many of you on a daily basis wasting away. Get out there and do something. Can't find a job? Go back to school, they're offering financial aid and Christ knows that you all qualify, I work for a living and can't get shit so you sure have no excuse. Take advantage of the help that we're offering you. Don't sit on your ass and do nothing all day, because that's called being a parasite - and I'll be damned if you're going to feed off of me. The drugs might be tempting, but look where it got your dumb ass - in here, giving me a urine sample in a filthy bathroom. How's that working for you?

Like I said... feel free to follow these suggestions. You might find that your life will improve greatly if you do. And for those that would ignore my advice... fine by me, but you'll be in my unit year after year after year giving me urine, so get comfy, you'll be in the system a long, long time.

'nuff said.

Warning - very angry tonight. VERY angry. Don't read if you don't feel like being yelled at.

I don't even know where to start complaining, that's how pissed off I feel. It seems that all of my life, everyone has wanted something from me - and to fuck with how I feel about it. I can't count on either hand the number of people that have been in my life that didn't have some kind of fucking ulterior motive, whether it's been a favor, money, sex, attention, something. Great, fine and fucking well - but have I ever gotten anything in return? Anything but pain and heartache and hassle and fucking problems? Come on, now, don't be shy, let's hear it! Anybody?

(crickets)

That's what I thought.

This is one of those nights where everything makes me angry. I was on Facebook a few minutes ago and I just felt nothing but irritation. "Thisperson just took a quiz that says they have a 10-inch penis!" Well, whoo-fucking-hoo, that's bully for you, isn't it. If that's the culmination of what's important to you in a day, I'll seriously consider unfriending you. I am so fucking sick of stupidity! I don't give a rat's fucking ass about your penis, what kind of fucking ice cream flavor you are, whether your stupid cow wandered off your farm game, how many fake fucking chips you won at poker... I DON'T CARE. Keep that fucking shit to yourself, goddamnit. Does anyone actually give a shit about the state of the world anymore?

God, I've just had it with the fucking human race. As far as I'm concerned, I'd be happy to hole up in my apartment, and see as little of humanity as possible, because in one way or another I get fucked over. What is the motherfucking point of anything?

Want to avoid me after this post? Fine. Go right ahead, because if anyone thinks that I care, they are sadly fucking mistaken.

I am SO FUCKING DONE with idiocy. I've had it. I am DONE.

Irritation rules the day.

I've been pretty pissed off for the last couple of days, and it's starting to show. There's lots of little things that are adding up to make me one miserable fucking bitch to live with. Work (of course), partially because this stupid bitch that gets on my last nerve still isn't gone yet... "this is her last week", so they say. They said that last week, too. And I'm getting really fucking tired of doing everything by myself. Escorting these idiots, signing people in, I have to do everything because apparently my coworker (the stupid one, not the bitch - there's a difference) is now allowed to come in from 12 to 7 instead of 10:30 like the rest of us. No, I haven't asked why - I don't particularly give a fuck why, because it's still going to inconvenience me, now isn't it.

The assholes at Target are getting on my nerves as well - this morning I woke up to an Email bitching instead of a phone call. And I can't get a hold of anyone, apparently, unless I pay these motherfuckers. So I did. But I guarantee you that come Friday when I have time to sit down and make phone calls, they'll be getting a nasty, nasty one. I've already canceled the account. Who needs this shit.

Add these to waiting for my fail grade in the crim course... desperately needing a vacation.... and pretty much feeling like almost everyone's let me down as of late, and well, it's not pleasant. It's just not pleasant.

I have one more fucking day before I get 4 days off, and I assure you that I am going to enjoy this shit. Immensely. I am so looking forward to not having to hear the stupid one ask dumb questions... the horse-laugh of the bitch... the offenders whining for their test results... Jesus Christ. I need a vacation. I need to be away from the fucking human race for a few days... preferably longer but I'll take what I can get.

And just as fast as the anger comes, it's gone and I'm left with incredible, overwhelming depression. I just feel like curling up somewhere and crying. I hate this shit, I hate it hate it hate it HATE IT. I am so sick of everyone in the fucking world asking me for shit, I'm tired of dealing with other people and their fucking problems.

One more day and I can collapse and not deal with the world for a few days. That'll be nice.

Thumbs down to the assholes at Target.

So I have an account with Target, okay, to get my medicine from their pharmacy. I recently did a bit of purchasing, stuff for the house and whatnot, and got close to my limit. I went ahead and paid the bill, sent them a hundred bucks, and considered the matter closed.

Well. Remember that bullshit with the checks bouncing from my Justice account? That was one of the accounts that was directly affected by it. So... instead of letting me fix this mess... they cut off online access to my account. Isn't that great? So now I don't have a way to pay these fucking assholes unless it's by a check - but guess what? I don't pay my bills with a check. It's inconvenient and it takes too much time. I pay my shit like everyone else does these days - online.

I've called these idiots at Target three times to try and get this bullshit straightened out, but they still can't seem to be able to fix my account so that I can pay this bill. The best part about it now is that they called me today - at work - to demand a payment. Ain't that a fucking BITCH? They can't manage to get their IT department straight - they're all apparently outsourced, lucky me, because they can't seem to speak a word of English, never mind understand me - and yet they have the balls to call me and demand a payment. That's funny. So funny that I'm going to call them tonight when I get home and literally bitch them out - and I assure you that I'm going to get the highest supervisor I can (hopefully one that speaks English, anyway) to straighten this crap out.

I'm not going to pay by phone - because I'm not paying their outrageous fees to do it. Fuck that shit.

I know one thing's for sure - I'm dropping this motherfucking account once I pay it off, because 1. these people have been incredibly unpleasant to deal with and 2. I get my medicine from a Rite Aid now because it's closer to where I'm going to be moving. I don't need this unbelievable crap.

Justice fucking owes ME money for all of the time I've had to spend straightening this shit out with all these people. I can say that much.

Sigh. Other than this headache, life's been more or less okay. My crim project is due tonight - I'm going to fix it and turn that in ASAP - and I expect my failing grade later this week, heh.

Meh. I am so pissed off now. How dare they pull this shit.

Back to work in a few minutes. I can't write entries while up at the counter anymore, they're starting to monitor Internet usage up there and they're threatening people with a 14 day suspension. I can't afford to lose salary for two weeks for a blog entry - it's not worth it. Sooo....

... more later. I guess.

Holy shit. There IS a 'God'!!!!

I'm sure, if you read my blog on a regular basis, that you remember my complaining about this dumb, stupid bitch that works here, the one that always singled me out in meetings and did the schedules to give me THE worst possible jobs in creation... correct?

 

Well, I just found out that she's leaving the unit, she's going somewhere else, thank fucking Christ, you have zero idea of how much of a weight's lifted off of my shoulders!!!

 

I've been in such a good mood ever since I found this out that I've been talking to people, I've been laughing, smiling, humming under my breath... unreal.  I never realized how much this bitch was dragging my mood down.  This is the one reason why I hated coming to work.  Now it's irrelevant that my feet ache and that I deal with idiots on Thursdays, or Tuesdays, or any day.  It doesn't matter that I keep getting interrupted as I type this!  (Writing from work again during the slow periods... hey, what else is there to do, I can't study here without my textbook.)  None of it matters because she's not here to be a total raving bitch anymore.  There IS a God!

 

However... now that the excitement's over... I'm not sure exactly when this is going to happen - only that it will.  Still, I feel so much better, you would not believe.

 

Now if I can get my classwork together... God I'd be so so so much better.

 

One aside - I will NEVER take a cab from Jimmy's Cab in Towson ever again, I don't care if there's a raging snowstorm or a flood.  Why?  It was raining heavily this morning so I decided to forego the walk - it's too much to handle in the rain.  I called Jimmy's for a cab, the guy showed up... and proceeded to tell me "this is a cash only cab".  When I specifically said that I needed one that had a debit card function.  I didn't have cash with me - so I grudgingly agreed to have this guy stop at an ATM (which of course costs me extra because this asshat's sitting there with the meter running).  So what does the guy do?  He takes THE LONG WAY around, and when I dare to protest, he goes, "I thought you wanted to go to an ATM."  Of course, dumbass doesn't realize that he PASSED one on the way to the Beltway... which was nowhere NEAR where I wanted to go.

 

So then I'm steaming mad because this guy's added at least 3 bucks to his fare (and I'm not sure it wasn't deliberate, to be honest).  We stop at an ATM and he's trying to make conversation.... only at this point I am NOT in the mood.  My answers are short and clipped.  I get the money, I get back into the cab, and then he comes out with a question that shocked the fuck out of me...

 

He goes, "Are you nursing?"

 

I was like, "WHAT?  No, you sick fucking pervert, and even if I was it's none of your Goddamn business."

 

Needless to say, he shut up fast.  And did he get a tip?  Uh, NEGATIVE.

 

It only occurrs to me now that he was trying to say, "Are you IN nursing?"  He was referring to my scrubs that I wear for work.  A lot of people think I'm in the nursing field because of that.  But his English... well, it wasn't the best, let's say.

 

I feel bad for calling him a sick fucking pervert, but I really thought that's what he'd asked me, was I nursing as in breastfeeding.  -_-  Hey, it wouldn't be the first time someone's thought I was pregnant, that's unfortunately what being overweight does to a person.  :(

 

Meh.

 

I need to get going, as it's 6:30 and they'll be bum-rushing this place any minute.  But I must say... I'm a lot happier tonight than I was.  A LOT happier.

 

 

I'm feeling a little better today.

Just looking in during my lunch hour to let people know that I'm honestly all right. I've gotten a few Emails and comments inquiring about my state of mind - thanks for caring, all of you. I'm fine - it's just lil' old me venting, blowing off steam, etc. Nothing more than that.

I have such a bad temper that I'm scared sometimes to confront people when I'm angry, because I fear losing all control. People always tell me that they wonder how I'm so calm and never get angry - despite what it looks like here. You, my faithful reader, know better than that. In person, I never confront or make an issue of things, because I'm scared of myself - I'm afraid that I'll actually get physical if I get angry enough, and it's happened before (albeit very rarely - I have to be beyond reason to get that mad, heh).

I don't need to be in jail, thanks. Or to lose my job, as crappy as it is.

So far, the day's going all right, though it's before 2pm, which means nothing. It's how the afternoon will proceed that will tell me if this will end up being a crappy day or not. But... so far, so good.

I know you all are concerned about me, and I thank you for it. But I'm really okay. It's just a lot of things going on right now that I'm not happy with - mainly my financial situation. My federal credit union has really, really fucked me over big time with the money not transferring to where it needs to go, and I'm furious at them. Naturally, I either can't get a hold of them, or we're playing phone tag. Fuckers.

Heh, still pissed off about that.

Anyway, time to roll out and deal with the inevitable idiots that'll pour through the door any minute now. Please continue to wish me luck... my day isn't over for another few hours yet, and I continue to need strength.

Thanks. :)

If you don't want to hear it, don't read it - simple.

It's been a really hard, hellish week. Work is getting on my last nerve - both coworkers and offenders alike. Two more accounts bounced off of my credit union account where they shouldn't have, so now I'm in serious trouble as far as the financials are concerned. (It won't be for long, I have it in hand, but it angers me that people are fucking incompetent.) It's getting hot again, and I hate summer with a passion - if it could stay 50 degrees all year long, I'd be happy.

I'm amazingly okay throughout all of this - even just a year ago, all of this pressure would have given me the screaming meemies and possibly sent me back crying to the mental ward. As it is, it's simply a nagging irritation now. I just hate it when plans don't come to fruition, that's all - it means stress that I don't need to deal with.

My CSA interview is tomorrow. Please GAWD let me do well on it so that I can get out of the lab once and for all. I swear, if I'd known what this place would be like back last August, I'm not too sure I would have ever taken the job.

(sigh) Another day to get through. Keep me in your thoughts, if today is anything like the last three days, I'm going to need all the strength I can get...

Busy, busy, busy.

Haven't posted in a while, but things at work have picked up again, and I honestly haven't been feeling all that well physically. My tailbone has been irritating me for a better portion of the week - that's a spot that you really can't mess with, and it's also one of those places that one seriously, seriously takes for granted. All this week, it's hurt to sit down, lie down for more than a few minutes in one position, even move the muscles around it. I was telling someone the other day that it seems strange - I'm losing all of this weight, yet my medical problems are getting worse - what gives?

And am I ever losing weight! Almost none of my clothes fit me properly anymore. I've had to buy new pants, new shirts, even new underwear because everything's falling off of me. I suspect that losing weight is going to run me thousands of dollars at this rate!

Other than these little notes, there isn't really much else going on. Life is the same here at casa Ray.

Heh, there was a time where I couldn't have said that. Perhaps stability is finally coming to visit me, and wouldn't that be a switch.

More later.

The hot weather has arrived... bleaugh.

I hate summer. Did I mention that last year? No? Then allow me to rectify my mistake, heh. I not only hate summer, I despise it. Disgusting humidity, stifling temperatures, stickiness and sweat. Blech.

Bill Hicks said it best in his routine on the 'Arizona Bay' album: "What are you, a fuckin' lizard?" Heh.

I've been doing a bit more planning for this cruise, and I can't deny that I'm honestly excited about taking the trip. I'm in the middle of planning land excursions - so far it looks like I'll be doing the Titanic graveyard/museum in Halifax, and the Salem Witch Museum in Boston, those ought to be really good. But mainly, I'm just interested in getting away from Baltimore and urine and stress, heh. It's not Sydney - I'd love to go back to Sydney - but it'll do. I'm happy with it. (Though as much as my mother's spending on this, I could have bought two plane tickets to Sydney. Jeee-sus.)

I'm losing weight like crazy. Most of my casual jeans don't fit anymore, and I've been hitching them up all week, heh. My T-shirts are getting baggier, too. I don't know what this Wellbutrin's doing to me, but I'm melting away, lol. I should be happy about that, but I'm curiously... apathetic. I guess it is a way to hide myself away from the world, and now that it's going away, I'm growing increasingly nervous. In any case, I need new clothes desperately, heh.

In time. Financial picture is not good at the moment. But I'll get through, I've always managed before and will do so again.

Otherwise, it's business as usual. I'm in a good mood, albeit kind of tired. I had a false alarm involving my mother's cat this morning - we thought she was very sick and needed to go to the vet - but it turned out that there was just another cat in the window and she was having a hissy fit. Eeesh - cats.

Until next time, cheers.