Don't cross me. I have minions. (A bit rambly, and certainly may qualify as venty, too.)

I didn't feel much like doing the Saturday 9 this week, but then my entire mood has been just weird and... I guess a little "off", I suppose.  I still have my times where things just don't sit well with me, and this was one of them.  I've actually been upset over the smallest shit today, and that's bothered me immensely.  For example:  Greg and I made a grocery order online (something we usually do, though neither of us like it) on Friday night, and we'd ordered a pound of white button mushrooms.  Simple enough, right?

So, the order came, and I swear to fucking God, there was a bag with ONE.  MUSHROOM.  IN.  IT.  One.  A tiny little solitary white button mushroom.  We checked the receipt... and they actually charged us 28 cents for this one sad fucking little mushroom.  It's enough to make anyone laugh their asses off, me included - usually.

No.  I fucking lost it because Safeway had the nerve to actually bag up ONE mushroom.  And charge me for it.  I was literally upset for hours over this - like I said, the stupidest shit on the planet.  Why did I do that?

Bless Greg for putting up with me.  I don't know how he does it, I swear.  And I honestly don't know why I felt like that, but.... it's stupid little shit like this that's made me feel tired and rundown and sad all day.  Depressed, actually.  I don't know whether it's because all of what I'm going through at work is dragging me down, or financial worries, or what.  I have no clue.  All that I know is that I'm so tired of being strong for everyone else's sake.  And I know I have to let go of that stupidity, because I've carried the weight for so freaking long that it's broken my shoulders.  Isn't that how I got depression in the first place?

I find that I still have so many issues concerning independence and needing help and allowing others to assist me.  I have no idea of what I'm going to do when I get too old to do things on my own - I'm so freaking proud and stubborn, and I know it.  Sigh....

As usual, when I'm feeling like this, I have a yearning to go backward in time... to see how people from my past are doing.  Whether they "miss" me or not, I guess.  Whether they think about me.  Which is silly, actually, because I'm pretty sure that they couldn't give a rat's ass.  But, still... it's a compulsion that I have a hard time breaking, and when I'm in moods like this, it's magnified a hundred times over, usually with bad results.  Tonight's journey wasn't actually so bad.  I'm feeling less and less hurt as time rolls on, which I guess is a good thing - though I cry when I find out new information, sometimes.  Like... tonight, I found out that one of my favorite cats that I'd loved so much in the trash shack in Georgia is dead.  I don't know when it happened - but it happened before March of 2010, because that's the date on the picture and it says "the late ".... sigh.  I loved that boy like he was my very own - he was the sweetest one of the bunch that I tried to take care of.  He comforted me when my Pearl died in that hellhole.... and now I know he's gone.  And THAT hurts.  He wasn't even eight years old yet, I know that for a fact, because I moved into that horror house in March of 2002 and he was literally weeks old then.  

Of course he didn't make it to 8 years old.  Would you, if you were forced to live amongst filth and decay?

I feel so fucking guilty that I couldn't save him - any of them.  That's what happens when you live with a hoarder.  That's what happens when you try to have a normal life with a person who isn't normal.  I mean, let's face it - I'm a slob, I'm Oscar in the fucking Odd Couple - but I'm not a hoarder.  I know when to throw shit away.  I know better than to have 22 cats and 4 fucking dogs and not be able to take care of any of them.  I know when something needs fixing in my house and I don't use a slop bucket to fill up my toilet tanks when I need to take a shit.

Oh, Christ, I don't even want to go into this right now.  I WILL start crying and I'll go into a downward spiral for the rest of the weekend.  That I DON'T need.  I'm not ready to confront all of that.  Not yet.  Not now.

Tonight, though, I'm grateful that I've removed certain people from my life.  I'm grateful that I have the knowledge that I will never go back to those times, nor do I want to.  I see tons of people on my Facebook "friend suggestions", people that I knew, people that my friends know... but I don't add anybody.  I don't want to, honestly.  I have all of the "friends" on there that I need or want, and if someone wants to get in touch with me, they know how to find me.  If they don't make an effort... they don't really want to know what's going on in my life, then, do they?

Those kinds of "friends", I don't need.

I find that I am enjoying simplicity.  I have my job.  I have Greg in my life, and we live pretty quietly, simply - we don't need or want a lot of things.  I have friends that I can turn to in the rare event that I need advice.  I have a home to live in, food to eat, clothes on my back.  We occasionally go out for a movie, bowling, walks;  nothing complicated.  The anger that I have held inside of me for so long is beginning to dissipate.  I no longer seek out drama, or even welcome it in others.

Maybe I'm starting to grow old at last - but I'm at the point now where I just want a quiet life and my ways are my ways.  I've never dealt well with change as a rule, anyhow.

The sun is setting on the first half of my life.  I'm okay with that, finally.  I'll be 40 in less than 3 months now, 90 short days - and I'm okay with that as well.  I've seen enough "action" (which really translates to pain, when you think about it) for a lifetime.  Now I just want my life settled, quiet, happy.  I think I'm well on the way to that.  Things didn't turn out the way that I'd expected, maybe - but it's all right.  Everything for a reason, yes?

I am considerably "calmer" now than when I started writing this post, all in the space of 20 short minutes.  I guess that writing it all out does tend to help with my confuzzled state of mind, heh.  Still... I dislike it when I lapse into old patterns of thinking.  I need to watch that, still, I think.

One day at a time.  (La, dah-dah-dah.  Score if you know to what I refer, heh.  :p )

Until then.

The triumphant return of the Saturday 9.

Ladies and gentlemen....since my health is now much better, I am proudly announcing the triumphant return of:



I haven't done these kinds of things in a very long time.  It's nice to be able to focus on something other than my craziness for a switch!  :)


1. “Everybody lies. But it's alright because nobody listens.” is one of Bud's Law's. What do you lie about?


I want to say, "nothing at all", but that would be a lie in itself, so.... I guess I'll have to say my weight.  :(  Those who are closest to me know the truth - like it's hard to hide, haha.  To quantify this statement; I don't necessarily lie about it, but I also don't talk about it either, and if one were to ask me I'd either lie my face off or go the honest, but brutal route;  i.e., "none of your freaking business".

2. When you purchase a DVD, what besides the the movie itself, what do you enjoy the most? Is it the director's commentary, the deleted scenes, the bloopers or the behind-the-scenes documentary? 


It depends on the content, to be honest.  When I purchased the Dave Chappelle series, I loved the "goofs" reel; it made me laugh like crazy.  But with full-length movies, it's usually deleted scenes or behind-the-scenes documentary features.  I usually compare the entire movie to the list they maintain on imdb and try to "spot the errors".  


I know.  I'm weird like that.

3. What would you most like to accomplish before the year is over? 


Honestly, I'd like to graduate from college before 2011 ends, but seeing that I still have 35 credits left to go before that can be done, I don't see it happening.  :p


4. What is your current percentage of online shopping? Is it going to be more this year than last?


When I do shop, it's 95% online, mainly because I don't have access to a car right now and there isn't much choice in inner city Baltimore (right now, anyway).  Even if there were, I only have two hands and I can't really take heavy things home on the light rail.  If you're asking this question in the Christmas vein, I've bought all I'm going to for this year.

5. What's left to do at your place (or where you are going)? Is the tree up? ...or maybe you're just happy you found that fave Christmas coffee mug and are calling that good? 


Everything is up and decorated.  My house is still a bit skimpy on the decorations because I just don't have enough, but next year I'll be a bit more prepared.  Considering that I haven't decorated at all for the past six years, I think it looks pretty damned good.  :)

6. If you could get worry free, cost free plastic surgery, would you? If yes, where?


No, I wouldn't.  One of the things I've had to learn over the course of my depression is to accept myself for who I am, flaws and faults and all.  If others can't accept me, that's on them - it's no longer my problem.  


7. Do you think the child you were growing up, would like the adult you've become? 


This is a very hard question for me; because the child was abused and neglected.  I didn't have much of a choice in becoming the adult that I have.  Everything that I've had to do in my life was borne from a survival instinct; first to survive the abuse, then to relearn new coping skills and techniques (that I'm still not sure I've gotten "down" quite yet, to be honest).  I continue to struggle with fundamentals.  But I'm learning and growing, every day.  That's what matters.  :)

8. What will you miss about 2011?

I want to say my sense of self-discovery, of reawakening to the joys of life; does that make sense?  It's so hard for me to explain how I've felt this past year, because it's all happened so fast, so suddenly... one day I felt like killing myself, wanting to die, dragging, uninterested in life... then my life did a 180, just like that.  The depression fell away like a healing scab over a wound.  It was just there one day, then... it was gone.  I can't even explain what happened, or why.  But I'm grateful.  The last six months have been cataclysmal.  A huge awakening from a long-term nightmare.  If nothing else, I will miss the feelings I had when I stepped out of the darkness and into the sunlight.  In so many ways.

9. What is something you'd love to see invented?


I thought Rita Mae Brown's idea of a light-up umbrella so you could find your way home on dark, rainy nights was a rather clever one, myself.


Wow.  It's been a long, long time since I did one of these.  I'm exhausted!  :D


One quick piece of news:  my friend Cathy has a lovely blog about being a big, fat couch potato.  Okay, well, not really the last phrase.  But her blog is awesomesauce.  Check it out here.

Enough, biatches.  I'm for bed.  Love and stuff.  <3

A bit of catching up to do.

This is the last weekend I have "off" before school starts, and in truth, I'm excited to get started again. I've been bone-idle way too long.

I made a major decision over the course of the week to change my minor from forensics to women's studies - which is striking some people as "quite odd", especially since I've often said that I despise women, can't stand them, etc. In truth, I think that it's the sociological aspect that turns me off, especially regarding my generation. It's a throwback to the 1950s, where women were all about their husbands/boyfriends and their kids - both aspects that I cannot relate to in the slightest. I once read a book called "Tripping the Prom Queen" that described the rivalry of women and how they compete (especially for the attention of men). It only confirmed exactly what I've always thought - there is no such thing as a "sisterhood". The second you show any interest in what women consider "their man", the claws come out and the friendship is all over. Even I've done it. Bee-eff-eff, my fat ass.

I've just never had any interest in "competing" for any man - if a person doesn't want to be with me or spend time with me, fuck them. They miss out, not me. (Although it's taken years, decades, for me to get to that point. I don't kid myself on that score.)

So why women's studies? Partially because it relates to me in that I'm a woman, of course - but also, because I want to know more about my own gender, and what makes us do these stupid fucking things we do. It's also because I actually started to relate to the female convicts down at work - I started seeing life through their eyes, started to realize that a lot of the reason why they were in trouble to begin with is because they have little to no self-esteem. They don't believe in themselves or their potential. And isn't that where I was, at one time? Where I still am, in some ways?

I don't fool myself that I can make these womens' lives better. But I can at least understand, or relate in some way. I can offer empathy, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. I know how they feel, in a lot of respects, in that they don't have anyone to listen to them, or that cares what happens to them.

Perhaps I do have a minute shred of compassion left in this hardened heart of mine.

With the minor change, as of the spring semester (2012), I'll only have 47 credits left before I graduate. At 12 credits a semester (a lot heavier than it has been, but I want this over with, to be honest), I'll be done by fall of next year. Even I can't believe it's true, in a way. I've come very far since my first panicked post that I had enrolled in school.

Oh, how far I HAVE come. :D

Alternate work schedule (AWS) starts this week. Basically my day is now nearly 10 hours instead of 9, but I get Wednesdays off every 2 weeks, which will help me out for things I have to do (like grocery shopping, deliveries, running errands, etc.). I don't know how it'll work out - I'm bone tired as it is - but I've agreed to try it out. It's not as if I'm really there any longer than I am now. What's another hour a day? And this week will be particularly sweet, as I only work Monday, Tuesday and Friday - I have jury duty on Thursday (not that I'll be selected, due to the break-in amongst other reasons), my AWS day falls this week, and then a long weekend for Memorial Day, which will be perfect for me to begin the semester with.

Despite all of the additional expenses because of the break-in, I'm actually all right, financial-wise. It's higher than I want it to be, but isn't everything? And I've decided that my federal tax refund will apply toward my bills, once again, so it'll all wash out in the end. I'll be a lot careful this time around not to run things up - of course, I've said that before, but this time I'm really going to try.

Last but not least... I received another Email from that guy that wrote me back around the holidays last year. That's the one that disappeared for months, then wrote again saying he was "thinking about me". I haven't really gone to much effort to write him, because I'm still ticked off about that - if someone's interested in you, a 4-month-long disappearance isn't the way to show it. But, eh, I guess I'm the flavor of the moment or something. Whatever. I'll play along - I don't have much else to do.

And that's about it. What an exciting life I lead, huh? :p

More later.

I've been sorely tested as of late.

As most of you who keep up with my life in any way know by now, my house was broken into on Saturday night while I was out for a rare social event, and my television was stolen, along with a few choice electronic items (including the brand new computer that I'd just bought not even 30 days ago). To say that I feel violated doesn't even begin to cover it, and I've spent the last 48 hours contacting banks, credit card companies, and spending a country fortune replacing computers, electronic equipment, and installing a security system in this house - for I'll be damned if I ever let this happen again.

I've not been to work today, and won't be going tomorrow, either - I have to wait for the security people, as well as go to the banks and reopen accounts under new numbers, etc. A major hassle, and I have no idea of how I'll be able to pay my bills on time, which of course adds another layer of inconvenience.

However... this situation has taught me so very much. It's taught me that I can handle even a horrible event like this. And that I have so much more support and friendship than I ever dreamed I did. People have been calling me, asking after me, offering to help, leaving messages of support for me. In my darkest days of depression, I never would have believed that people cared about me.. and yet, the last 48 hours have taught me better. Even my family has stepped up to the plate for me in ways that I never believed possible.

It's comforted me. I feel afraid and violated... but also that much stronger.

A couple of thugs took my electronics. But in a way, they gave me insight and the realization that people really do love me.

In that, maybe I came out ahead after all.

78 rpm where it was 33 1/3.

My life is beginning to race in directions that only a month ago seemed incomprehensible.

This week, my workplace is having a three-day conference, of which we're now on the second day. I was (am) on the planning committee for this shindig, and had thought up until yesterday that it was just flat out going to suck - the consensus was that there was no consensus as far as what kind of activities to plan or what exactly to discuss. But now that it's actually gotten started, I've discovered that the speakers that we've hired are actually terrific. They've been quite inspirational, and I am not usually the kind of person that takes anything valuable away from public speakers. (Most of the time, I end up half asleep.)

Today, we had a class about emotional intelligence - it's a "hot button" topic right now in the world of employment. I had taken this class last year with a different instructor, and it was helpful then - but the instructor we had today was just that much better. I gained quite a bit from the class - mainly about self-control (something that I seriously need a lot more of). I didn't agree with everything she said, of course. One of the main sticking points that I had trouble with was about how everything in life was a choice - I could choose to be depressed, or I could choose to be positive. I see some truth in that, but I completely disagree about the phrase "choosing to be depressed" - no one chooses to have a debilitating mental illness, trust me on this point. And I said as much. But in some ways, her other points were made in that I spoke up for myself and didn't just "take it lying down". In the past, I wouldn't have questioned such rhetoric, I'd have just sat there and passively agreed - which is the wrong, wrong, wrong thing to do. In defending myself, I was proactive, and I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I think that everyone else was, too.

But even if they weren't - that's not the end of my world, now is it?

One of the most valuable life lessons that I've taken out of this is: "It's not that serious."

You know what I mean by that? Life just isn't that serious that I need to be freaking out over every little thing. I'm what they call a "driver" - a person that's more task-focused than people-focused, and fast-paced as opposed to slow. Unfortunately, "drivers" want control, and panic when they don't have it. And that describes me perfectly - I've searched all of my life for something I could control, in vain. The consequences are that I've lived my life in a state of anxiety, which ... leads to depression. It's no wonder that I am what I am, is it?!!?

My therapy has begun. I walked out from that last session tired, wrung out and exhausted from sobbing. But I also felt oddly lighter, more involved with the world and less within my own head. I have probably the only doctor in Maryland with Sunday appointments - I really lucked out, there.

I also saw my friend from the Camden train this morning. It was only for a few minutes, but he said hello, I said hello, and we shared a little bit about our work schedules. I was able to explain that I was on the night shift this month, which was why I hadn't seen him. I'm glad I said that, I didn't want him to think I'd just disappeared. He's a nice person. The first friend I've made in a long, long time. And I don't even know his name (yet). But it was so, so good to connect with someone, even if only for a moment.

I can't guarantee that I'll be able to hold on to this feeling all the time, but I feel that I've taken away a lot of things from this class, and indeed from the last week or two. My good streak continues. I've been able to function, and function well. I think that perhaps I've begun my starting over. I hope. For the first time in a long time.... in months.... perhaps years... I have hope!

Last day of the conference/work before the Labor Day weekend. I might head down to Beadazzled later this weekend and pick up on that new hobby I want to try. Who knows, maybe I'll really enjoy it! And I leave for the Bahamas in a week....

So much going on and so little time. Life is getting better. I hope that it keeps up!

Hmmm.

I know I haven't been around for quite a while. It's been, yet again, another strange week. Things have happened that are a little too painful to talk about right now (i.e, recent negativity), and yet... yesterday and today I've been queerly happy, contented, even somewhat settled. It could be that in letting go of what has been hurting (even as a vague, somewhat nettling ache), I have been rewarded with the feeling of peace.

It could be that I am finally living my life on my terms, without feeling the need to please anyone but myself. True, I may not have much of a "life" right now - I basically eat, sleep, shit, go to work, come home, pet Miss Thang every now and then, do what I feel I am mentally capable of doing that day - but this light, simple routine has made all of the difference. It also could be that I know I'm going back to therapy and therefore my traitorous mind has settled down into a 'normal' pattern - which, of course, will make me look crazy and idiotic to the doctor. Sigh. I don't know, but I'll grab any feeling of peace that I can get right now.

The IRS has sent back a letter demanding more paperwork. Meh. So it's all copied and ready to send down to the post office on Monday morning. Overnight. With registered mail confirmation. I'm done playing with these jerk-offs. Obama promised me eight thousand dollars, and I want it, goddamnit. I want a real bed to sleep on and real dishes to eat off of.

Another semester is done at UMUC. I finished my Spanish exam last night, and am turning in my final crim report tomorrow evening before I go to bed. Then, a month to relax and get it together before the next semester - biology and web design, bleh, but it's seven credits closer to my goal. After this upcoming semester, I'll already be halfway done to a degree. Seems REALLY hard to believe - I feel like I've just started. I may have to start taking three classes at a clip so that I can possibly finish this before I'm too far from 40. It's not like my time is being filled with anything else at the moment, so what the hell.

In the last few days, I've managed to think - clearly - about my plans for the future and what I want out of life. And it's turned out that I actually still have dreams, unbelievably. I'd love to finish this degree, improve this house, I still have some hobbies on the back burner that I'd like to pursue again (tie-dying, beading, that sort of hippie shit, heh). And, of course, I want to travel, all over the world. I'd love to go back to Australia one day, maybe the U.K., South America - I'd love to see the Panama Canal or go to Costa Rica or Ecuador. Maybe that Spanish I took would be good for something, heh. I'm planning a huge blowout for my 40th birthday, some place that's exotic and impossible to get to without a lot of time and preparation, I'm going to do it up. One would think that Australia is exotic and impossible to get to - and it is - but it might be there, it might be South America.... or Antarctica. Shit, how many people have been to Antarctica before? I'd bet not many!

In any case, I'm going to celebrate my 40th, when it comes. I'm going to celebrate the fact that I am alive, and that I've fought all of these demons for so long and I'm still fucking HERE. For today, depression isn't going to get the best of me. Tomorrow, maybe I might not feel that way, but today - it won't. And I think that's the person that I really am, deep beneath all of the sadness and the pain.

One of my closest friends, who understands me better than any person walking, once said that I was steel. He's right.

The weekend of hell....ish thoughts.

After what can only be described as a horrific Friday and Saturday, I have finally calmed down a little bit - but the resulting destruction now spreads far and wide. When I get angry, by God, I do it right.

In short, I've probably lost another friend (not that I'm all that impressed with said friend right now anyway - maybe when my temper cools off I'll be sorry later, but right now, fuck them), and I've probably revealed a little too much of myself to another one. Neither of which I'm pleased about, but at this point, fuck it. I have nothing left to lose.

The truth is that I have too much to do, with school and work and all of that, but again I got the old "I'm too busy" excuse. Like I stated earlier, maybe I should just make myself unavailable, too - perhaps that'll get people thinking a little differently.

I'm still steaming mad over what happened. And this was a relatively unimportant thing, under the circumstances - so maybe it's just best that I turn my back on this situation and move on. It's not as if I invested too much of myself in it, anyway, and considering all that's gone on, it's just as well that I didn't.

The other situation, well, that'll all come to a head by this time tomorrow afternoon. I'll know for sure that I made a mistake by then, never mind "if" I did - I know I did. First rule of life when you're in a position like mine is never, never, ever reveal your true feelings to anyone, and I broke that rule last night, not only broke it but demolished it. Bad, bad idea. However, I am quite prepared to pay the price that I know is coming. It won't be so bad - just the loss of yet another person in my life, that's all.

Not that it matters, as they haven't been around when I needed them, either. No great loss.

I am bitter today. I know it. It doesn't really matter any longer. I'm not prepared to try again to disrupt what's been so far a lonely, dyspeptic, but hurt-free life. At least the only hurt that I experience is that which I cause to myself.

For once in my life I'm looking forward to going back to work. Maybe I'll start requesting overtime Saturdays - at least I'll make money instead of facing demons I don't want to, or need to face.

Out of work sick - AGAIN!

Y'know... this is just getting fucking old, here. This is the second time in 2 months that I've had to take an extended time period off of work because one of these unhygienic, inconsiderate motherfuckers I "service" gave me their cold germs or their diseases or whatever. I'm sick of this - quite literally. If my supervisors would just let me wear a face mask like I wanted to, I wouldn't be constantly in and out of work like this. But, hey - it's on them. If they'd just follow my gentle suggestions, I'd not be home lying on my couch hacking away. Their loss, I guess. But it's costing me not only time from work, but money as well. I had to spend almost a hundred dollars today to get home (because the commuter train doesn't run during off-peak hours), the doctor visit, the medicines, etc. It's annoying. Really, really, really annoying.

The upside of it is that the two new female trainees we've got down there allowed me to go the hell home and take care of this shit.

So I'm stuck now on my sofa until Friday. Bully for me.

It's just as well, really, as I've been achy, tired and with a lot of shit floating around in this empty space I call my mind. I've been doing my best to reach out and make more social connections lately, with some limited success. Time will tell, but I have a feeling that things are about to change on that front.

No more, lest I jinx myself. All will be revealed in time.

Bleh, what can I do on this sofa for the next two days. (irritated muttering)

More shower ruminations.

I recall that exactly this time last year, or close to it, I wrote a post about having rambling, disjointed thoughts in the shower. Funny how it's happened a year to the day that my mind is also focused on this topic...

Anyway, I was thinking this morning about certain happenings going on over at Facebook with my friends, apparently all interested in catching up on their past. Friends from high school talking about a reunion (it's 20 years this year - big whup), people from the BBS's making groups, blah blah. I was thinking about all of that, and measuring how vested an interest I have in all of it... and, well, call me antisocial but somehow this is all striking a "so what?" chord in me.

At one time, I would have been thrilled to revisit my past. But for me, "revisiting" always, without fail, tries to turn into "reliving". And for me, that's dangerous, not to mention counter-productive to what I'm trying to do, which is reconcile my past - to accept it, and to move on to whatever future there is.

My high school was, in a word, strange. It was certainly segregated into black/white terms (though you wouldn't think it would be, for an inner city school - but it was, there's no getting around that) and definitely had its "in" groups, including one particularly powerful clique that had been friends since they were knee-high, and more or less controlled nearly everything in the place - not really so different from a lot of American high schools, I suppose. They're still friends to this very day. Powerful stuff, I guess. But in truth, I'm thinking that high school cliques only mattered - in high school. Today, 20 years later? Big whup, right? :p

I never really fit in anywhere, which is the pattern of my life. Not with the powerful clique(s), not with the black kids, not with the "slow learners" because I was placed in advanced classes, no one. I became a chameleon. I learned to adapt. But in truth, I had nothing but acquaintances. People I hung out with, but never really got to know.

So I'm faced with the possibility of a 20-year high school reunion maybe coming up. Am I going? Honestly... if I'm asked (which I doubt I will be), I will have to say no. Because I'm not like them, never have been. I truthfully don't feel that I'm a part of .. well, whatever group(s) they have, not then and not now. And 20 years ago means nothing now, as my enrollment in school shows. Things have changed, the world has moved on. I need to, as well.

As for the BBS thing... I'm a little less torn about that, but my head is still in the same place for the most part - let it lie. No good can come of digging up old bodies and issues. Yes, I had some great times, but they can't be relived. I also think of the really awful times I had, too, and for some reason, that's what sticks out in my head. There are still people I'm angry with from that period of time, and I haven't resolved my issues with them as of yet. There are bigger fish to fry right now.

Anyway. I have to dash off to work, but I figured I'd share these disconnected thoughts floating through my brain this morning. Any comments are welcomed, as you all know.

:p

There are some things you just can't replace.

There are two places that I do a lot of thinking - in the shower, as I once stated a long time ago, and on the train coming home. I usually don't think about too much on the way to work because I'm too tired to really deeply contemplate things the way I do on the train coming home. Plus, when I'm on the way to work, I'm usually trying to psych myself up for the day (read: convince myself that I can take yet one more urine sample without screaming).

Anyway, I was thinking tonight on the way home about people, and about how I've met so few in my life that I can really respect and cherish as close friends and relationships. Then it occurred to me that just as I've been trying to chase the past nearly all of my life, I've also tried to find replacements for people that I once really loved in my life. Especially those that have fucked me over and really hurt me. Does anyone know what I'm getting at?

There are two people that were once in my life that I was extremely close to, and in nearly every relationship that I've ever had, I've tried to "find them again", usually in their physical looks (because that's the most obvious way, of course), but also by mannerisms. If you were tall, black-haired and a little heavy-set in build, that was person #1, and I can think of at least six or seven people that are or were in my life that fit that exact description. If you were of average height and had long, long, long hair, you were person #2.

Doesn't that sound awful? But it's the truth.

I realized tonight that there are some things in life that can't be done over again, and some things that you just can't replace. People are one of them. I'm starting to finally learn that each person is unique of themselves, and that's the way it should be. I cannot replace person #1, whom I met at the tender age of 14 and who imprinted himself upon my psyche at a time where I was very needy and vulnerable. I was being emotionally abused by my family and really needed someone to listen to me and to reassure me that I was lovable - and he provided that. Then by whatever quirk of fate, we were separated and I was beyond hurt... ever since then, I'd been trying to "find" him again in other people. As I heal, I've been realizing that I won't find a "rescuer", so to speak. The only person that can "rescue" me from myself is myself.

I also cannot replace person #2 - but that is a more complicated situation, as I also met him at a young age, but that was my first "serious" adult relationship and it ended very badly and very painfully. (He is unfortunately in my recent past, and I am still not over that situation - it's Matt, in case you haven't figured it out by now.) I'm working on that, but that will take time. However, I'm starting to also not "look" for him in other people. This is good, a good thing.

Anyway. That's what I was thinking about tonight, it seems silly. But... well, it's times like these that I think I'm making some progress.

Work sucks as usual, but that's nothing new. Everything else is fine. I'm doing well.

More later, cheers.

Feeling sad and down.

I haven't been feeling real well as of late, as most of you already know. I was diagnosed with a viral infection and was ordered to stay home for part of the week - something I absolutely hate to do, I have the sick time but I don't like to take it - so I've been feeling like crap for the most part. My mental state has also not been good, for a couple of reasons....

What I am about to say may offend the few friends that I have left. If it does offend you, all that I can say is that I'm sorry, and that it's how I feel, and one of the things that I need to be in order to cope with my mental illness is honest with myself.

Some of what is making me sad right now is that I seem to be losing a lot of friends to what I call "The Great Pregnancy Wave of 2009". They're getting pregnant and... losing their sense of identity. Know what I mean? Suddenly it's "the baby" this, "the baby" that, here's the baby clothes baby crib baby sonograms baby names baby baby baby babybabybabybabybaby....

What happened to YOU? My friend? The one who has a separate identity from this person that is now apparently inside of them and has taken over every aspect of your life?

Look, I understand that it's an exciting time in someone's life, for those who choose to or can have children. And that's great, I'm happy for you - honestly. But when it starts to BE your whole life... it gets to be monotonous, boring, and for those who CAN'T have children, hurtful - because it makes them feel even less of a person than they already do. I have one friend that has not posted any kind of an update or has talked about ANYTHING other than her new baby... in over a year. Every single sentence is about how precious and sweet and beautiful her baby is, it cooed, it grinned, it belched, it threw up, etc. Not ONE word about how HER life is, how she feels, what she wants or needs. It's as if she has ceased to exist.

I am starting to realize that I have less and less in common with ANYONE anymore.

What bothers me even more than this, however, is that I'm doing my best to strike out and meet new people... and the people that I meet always have something about them that is a total dealbreaker.

This example is purely hypothetical - but please keep it in mind, because the real situation isn't that far off from what I'm about to tell you.

I met a person recently that I had a lot in common with, and we got along quite well... until they revealed to me that they absolutely despise homosexuals. And I mean DESPISES them - thinks that they should be stoned, thinks them ignorant and stupid and blah blah blah, so on and so on. I felt sick... because I don't at ALL feel that way. And the more I think about it, the more I don't want to hang around this person, even though it's the first friendship I've managed to make since Christ-knows-when.

It's ripping me up. Because even though I like this person, I cannot deal with the hatred. It's awful. It's senseless. And for me, it's a dealbreaker. I've felt horrible ever since that last conversation, because I can't bring myself to call them or to Email them or anything... I just don't want to know anymore. What if I were homosexual, or black, or whatever else one can think of that's been a target of hatred over the years? Would this person feel differently about me? How are they going to react when they find out I'm severely overweight? Will I change in their eyes?

It's a risk I don't want to take. It's a risk that I CAN'T take.

It hurts that there's still so much hatred in this world. It's why I've retreated for so long into a shell that I just don't want to come out of. Call me foolish for still desiring some utopia that will never exist, but... I have no room in my life for people that hate. I just can't and won't put up with it.

Consequently I feel very sad and just... flat today. I hope things get better. :(

Back to the usual way of things.

Bleh. For some reason, I'm a bit more like "myself" tonight, meaning pessimistic. I don't know if it's because the weather's been so crappy lately (rain, which isn't the bad part - it's adding in the cold that makes it bleh) or what, but I'm just like...oh, God, people are fucking idiots and they act even more so when it's like this out. They can't drive, they complain and bitch (sort of like what I'm doing, haha), and are just such a pleasure to be around. /sarcasm

Don't say one word about how I'm turning into them, or you'll get a backhand across the chops. I promise you. :p

I'm more sleepy than anything, to be honest. I've adjusted to the medicine, but it still makes me feel drowsy on occasion. I did not increase the dosage like the doctor told me to, because I just can't afford it. If I keep at my current level (150mg of the Luvox), I feel fine enough to get through life and I'll be able to stretch it out over a two-month period. I know, I'm going against the doctor's advice, I shouldn't, bleh blah. I know that. But the doctor can afford 145 dollars a month for medicine - I can't. I'm a lowly grade 4 government worker who takes urine for a living, I'm not the President, heh. We need socialized health care, goddamnit. Canada has it, the U.K. has it, Australia has it. When are we going to join the ranks of civilized countries that actually CARE about its populations?

It's funny, but I was reading back over my old posts from when Obama was first elected, and I predicted that he wasn't going to be able to fulfill the promises he made. And so far... he hasn't. I was right - as usual. When are people going to start listening to me and not dismiss my opinions as crackers? :p

You know why I don't really get into political stuff? The reasons are myriad, but I'll start with this - as usual, it goes back to my bitch of a family and what they put me through. My mother was "an activist" - she dragged me along to every protest march she could find when I was growing up, and I eventually grew to hate it - and her. She was "a Communist and proud of it", and she wouldn't hesitate to tell everyone and anyone who would listen - my friends, their parents, their friends, etc. As you can imagine, this didn't make her - or me - popular with my friends' parents, and consequently they dismissed her.... and me. I lost a lot of friends over the course of my life because of her big mouth. Either their parents said that my mother was crazy and not to hang around me anymore, or my peers themselves would get sick of her spouting off about shit that they at ten or eleven couldn't understand anyway.

That's the first reason. Another reason is that I, myself, seem to be in the middle of the road on a lot of issues. I quite frankly am a part of Generation X in that I don't much care about anything that doesn't have to do with me directly. I also don't take a hard line toward one "party" or another as they seem to expect you to do here. I'm pro-abortion and pro-death penalty. I'm for gay marriage and I'm against economic waste. I don't take sides firmly on one issue or another - it is what it is. I once took one of those stupid quizzes on the subject and it stated that I was more of a Libertarian, which I guess is close enough to what I believe in. But I wouldn't apply a label to it. I'm just not political and it makes me ill when someone is too active in it - it's not that I don't respect people who march, I do. But it brings back way too many painful memories for me. I stay as far away from it as I can.

Believe me, I wish that I could sound a little more 'learned' in this blog than I do. But politically? It's painful for me, just like many, many other things in my life.

Man, my family fucked me up but good, didn't they? :( In retrospect, I'm very surprised that my previous and many suicide attempts didn't work - and very lucky. Because most people would have crumbled by now, with all of the issues that I've apparently got.

My mother found out that I was taking Luvox and she was like, "How much more are they going to find that's wrong with you? How much?"

Thanks so much. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have these problems.

These are the kind of people I spring from - insensitive comments like this are a way of life for my family. This is what they do. I'm almost used to it. But now you know why I just won't have children - I wouldn't subject them to this. And as we all know, the violence (physical or emotional) repeats itself. No, thanks.

Sorry for the downbeat turn this has taken - I guess the weather's affecting me, too. It's the start of the weekend, though, which is always good. I hope I'll feel better in a while.

Thanks for listening, if you've gotten this far.

A rare moment of downtime at work.

Ah, the wonder of technology, where I have the ability to bitch about my life, live, as it's happening.

The truth is that there's very little to bitch about at the moment. I'm worried about school and a paper that's due on Sunday, but I'm going to do the best that I can on it and leave it at that - I'm done with stressing about it. Otherwise, everything fine. The Luvox seems to be working very well, but I'm still being cautious - optimistic, but cautious. I don't want to get hopeful, only to be let down once again.

One of the positive things that has happened from the medication is that I have taken the step - a very big step, for me - of apologizing to a few people that I have in the past distanced myself from, for whatever convoluted reasons I dreamed up (and I admit that I probably did it out of illness - you don't reason when you're depressed, because you can't). In any case... a few people have accepted my apology. Some haven't. That's okay - I did the right thing, and if some can't accept it, that's fine. I have finally learned, I think, that I can't control the universe - and that it doesn't revolve around me, though I'd sure like it to. I might have trouble remembering that - but I do know, finally.

With that said, I now introduce you to two new blogs - News of the Highly Bizarre, which is run by my friend Layla - and Inside the Cynic, run by Rob. Enjoy them - they're both witty and intelligent people. Would I hang out with anyone who wasn't? :p

Speaking of blog, I'm again considering a format/design change, but I haven't learned enough CSS or Dreamweaver yet to implement it. Sure, I could rip off another blog design from the free templates that seem to proliferate out there - but I did the one I have now on my own (admittedly with a lot of help offered) and I'd kind of like to keep it that way. There's too much hearts and pink and glittery shit out there for my taste - I'm 37 years old, not 17, I want mine to at least look adult-oriented, if not be it. Sheesh. I think pink is a lovely color - if it's not overdone, which it is about 99.9% of the time.

Not much else to say today, so I'll close out. Hopefully the rest of the week will go as smoothly as it can.

Luvox and hope.

Today is my fifth day on the Luvox, and already I'm noticing some improvements. I'm able to talk to people again - about real things now, not just conversational filler such as "uh-huh" and "oh rilly" and "is that right". It's early days. I'm not quite out of the woods yet. But I'm starting to see a difference. I'm not sure if others do, no one has told me so if there is, but ... it's just how I feel, I guess. I've actually said that I would meet one of my friends later in the month for a drink, provided that they get their shit together... this is a move that I couldn't have made even a couple of weeks ago. As far as I'm concerned, that's a huge step. And a good one.

It's been a long, hard-assed road, this depression of mine. It'll be with me for life, I know that, and I may never get off of these meds.. but if I can feel better like this, after so many years of frankly not remembering shit, I'll take them as long as I need to. It's worth it.

As "consciousness" returns to me, I see that I need to not only acknowledge my past mistakes, but I need to maybe start forgiving people instead of holding grudges against them. And maybe the first person that I need to start with is myself. I've done a lot of things in my life that I'm not proud of, some of which would curl your toes, dear Reader. I've really done some awful things in my life. But... I need to maybe understand that I might have had to do some of those things in order to survive, or to get through. I've probably had this depression since my early teens - certainly all of the signs and symptoms were there, so I've been told. And I believe it. There are portions of my life from those days that I only partially remember. It hurts, a lot. But perhaps I need to start forgiving myself. I've paid my dues, in pain and in tears - so now maybe, just maybe, it's time to let things go for good. What do you think?

Lots of reflection today. I guess that this Luvox stuff has cleared the cobwebs out of my brain, at least for now anyway. I hope that my new-found clarity stays with me... but if not I'll keep trying to find it.

Thanks for listening.

Some stuff going on, not much noteworthy...

There's a lot of mess going on down at work right now, mainly with Useless (the other one that I've been wanting to get rid of for some time now). I think she's going to be fired. And trust me, that's a huge reason to cheer, as I've been wanting her gone for months now... but at the same time I'm ambivalent about it, because it means a good deal of the work is going to fall on my shoulders. But... hasn't it been anyway?

At least now they'll have a chance to find someone that actually wants to work.

Otherwise, all is somewhat calm in casa Ray. I had a really bad moment this week when I didn't think I was going to make my doctor's appointment tomorrow because of a schedule conflict at work, but in the end I prevailed. Put it this way - if they can give someone a week off because they were trapped in an elevator for 20 minutes, they can damned well give me an appointment to get the medicine that I desperately need in order to function.

(Yes, this is a true story. Useless has taken the entire week off because she was trapped in an elevator for 20 minutes on Monday. I swear to God, you just can't make some things up. It's not for this reason that I think she's going to be fired, but it sure doesn't help her case, now does it.)

Things have calmed down, and I feel a little better, though I'm going to talk to the doctor about maybe either adjusting my meds or getting something different. The mood swings continue, some very badly. They're just not coming as frequently. Also, the social anxiety is getting positively ridiculous. I don't even want to go out and see friends that I already have, never mind make new ones.

I want you all, the few of you that have continued to stick around, to know this, and it's important, please read it - my reticence and pulling away from you is NOT YOUR FAULT. It's my disorder right now, that's the only thing I can blame it on. I want to hang out, talk to you, have fun with you - it's my depression and anxiety that is the reason why I'm avoiding you right now. It is NOTHING you have done. If I seem like I have nothing to say right now, or that I'm hiding, or that I'm not talking to you, etc., it's me. Please continue to bear with me as you have been, and I promise that I'll work on fixing these issues. I want to be social with you all. I really do. There's nothing I want more.

Pretty tired now, so I'm going to hit the sack, but I'll write more this weekend. Thanks for bearing with me so far, if you're still around. You guys mean the world to me, and more.

<3

At last, an update and time to write it!

I'm still trying to unpack and get my life back to a sense of normalcy, but it's slowly coming together. I absolutely love my new place, as well as the neighborhood that it's in. The walk to the train station in the morning is a whopping ten minutes - a huge improvement from the old 2.5 hour commute from Towson and back every day. There's also a sense of... I don't know, excitement in this place that wasn't present in the suburbs. I'm just not a person that can tolerate anything but city living, I suppose. In any case, I'm very happy at this point. I'm discovering new places to hang out, so that's always a plus.

I note with delight that it's raining out, as well. Always a win.

If I still haven't answered your mail yet, don't panic - it'll happen. There are a few people that have written me in the past couple of weeks that I'm... debating on whether to answer, to be honest. Have you ever had a situation where someone from your past has written you and you just weren't sure if you wanted to invite that person back into your life? So it goes with me. It's not that I hold ill will towards said person, but.. I met them at a time where I wasn't doing very well in my life (the depression was in full force at that point), and I don't know if I want to open up a can of worms, so to speak. I'm debating. Maybe I'll answer them, I could always use more friends in my life, but... I don't know.

It's something I need to think over.

So much for a lengthy update, heh, but there's really not much else to discuss at this point. Work is fine (for a change), school is fine (for now), my health is fine (and hopefully will continue to be so). Miss Dandy is also doing well, after a difficult transition period - she's forgotten all about the Towson apartment, which is a good thing.

Guess I'll just listen to the rain and be happy. I'm such a boring person, I know, but... you know, I find that what might bore other people is peace to me. And after all that's happened to me in my crazy-ass life, I need peace more than anything, know what I mean?

More later, if I feel up to it.

I'm feeling a little better today.

Just looking in during my lunch hour to let people know that I'm honestly all right. I've gotten a few Emails and comments inquiring about my state of mind - thanks for caring, all of you. I'm fine - it's just lil' old me venting, blowing off steam, etc. Nothing more than that.

I have such a bad temper that I'm scared sometimes to confront people when I'm angry, because I fear losing all control. People always tell me that they wonder how I'm so calm and never get angry - despite what it looks like here. You, my faithful reader, know better than that. In person, I never confront or make an issue of things, because I'm scared of myself - I'm afraid that I'll actually get physical if I get angry enough, and it's happened before (albeit very rarely - I have to be beyond reason to get that mad, heh).

I don't need to be in jail, thanks. Or to lose my job, as crappy as it is.

So far, the day's going all right, though it's before 2pm, which means nothing. It's how the afternoon will proceed that will tell me if this will end up being a crappy day or not. But... so far, so good.

I know you all are concerned about me, and I thank you for it. But I'm really okay. It's just a lot of things going on right now that I'm not happy with - mainly my financial situation. My federal credit union has really, really fucked me over big time with the money not transferring to where it needs to go, and I'm furious at them. Naturally, I either can't get a hold of them, or we're playing phone tag. Fuckers.

Heh, still pissed off about that.

Anyway, time to roll out and deal with the inevitable idiots that'll pour through the door any minute now. Please continue to wish me luck... my day isn't over for another few hours yet, and I continue to need strength.

Thanks. :)

Early morning rumination.

I woke up extremely early this morning, refreshed for a change, so I figured that I'd get up and post a little bit of what's on my mind today - and as usual, it churns with useless bits of information.

It seems that quite a few people were a bit upset about my Mother's Day rant post yesterday, which came as no surprise. What did surprise me, however, was the broad-brush general assumption that I don't love or honor my own mother. Uh... that's a rather bold statement (not to mention wrong) to be making, don't you think?

Let me say now that I'm in therapy for my issues with my family - which is where I belong at present. Because of my condition, I have a lot of problems in dealing with the dynamics - some of which involved a lot of neglect, both emotional and physical, and ignorance of some physical abuse that was going on. I hold a lot of anger toward my entire family - mother, brother, father - and I'm in the place that I need to be to work it out. Being angry with my mother doesn't mean that I don't love her - I do - but there's that old saying that you don't have to like a person to love them. And let's be blunt - I don't like my mother, or my brother, or really my entire family. If they weren't related to me, I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire - and that's the truth.

With that said, I did have a nice Mother's Day lunch with her yesterday, so it all worked out for the best.

There's more going on, but I'm not real comfortable discussing it at this point. I'll get around to it when I can.

If my post bothered you, I'm genuinely sorry, but... I'm not taking back any of what I said in it. It's how I feel, and I'm not going to apologize for my opinions, or the right to express them. I spent too many years burying how I feel under a blanket of so-called societal approval - no more.

I think I'll actually be happy to start the week for a rare change... go figure.

My good mood persists.

Even though it's Sunday and therefore little time until the idiocy begins again, somehow I'm actually not minding as much as I have the last few weeks. Perhaps the Abilify has finally kicked in and is starting to work. Whatever the reason, I'm grateful for the respite.

Not really much to say today - it really is the definition of 'a lazy Sunday' - but maybe that's a good thing in my case, heh.

I've been thinking, but instead of thinking about negativity and how I'd like to slap people stupid... I've been thinking about perhaps making efforts to mend fences with people that I was angry with... and maybe shouldn't have been. It's going to take a lot to overcome my stubborn pride, but with time... perhaps. I need to think about it, as I told someone last night.

I really do feel good. I'm reveling in it - this is so rare for me.

On a side note, my Dell Mini is "still in production", but now the automated line is saying April 13th. I can't wait to get it.

Also, I'm finally getting around to cleaning up, fixing, and posting my pictures from Sydney. I know, I know, it took a year. Deal with it. :p More details as they're available.

Until next time, cheers.

P.S. Does anyone else find the guy holding the April sign in the human calendar on the sidebar just.... looks creepy as fuck? Maybe it's me...

A tiny light in the midst of the darkness.

I'm still feeling like shit. What else is new.

I find that I seem to do better with the Abilify when I take it at night, so I'm trying that for a while to see if I can stick with it. It's not looking hopeful, though - I've been sicker on this shit than I ever was on the Paxil, though at this point I can't tell if the SSRI discontinuation is still going on, or if the Abilify is what's causing me to feel this bad. Either way, I feel horrible, as if I've been scraped up from the bottom of a garbage bin.

I don't think I've even felt well since the beginning of March. At least that long. Maybe longer.

I'm more than conscious of the fact that I'm just not living any kind of a 'normal' life. It's weird, I get on Facebook and I see all of my friends' taglines and it's so obvious that I'm spheres away from them now.... it's about kids and families and proclaiming how great the last episode of ER was, and pretty photographs of children and smiling people and happiness. I see vacation pictures and silly apps (more like stupid, honestly, but that's my opinion) and all of this laughter and cheeriness...

... and I honestly just feel more alienated and isolated than ever. That's never going to be me. Ever. I'm lucky to get through a single day without crying or breaking down into tears or feeling like shit because the medicine is fucking with me. I'm lucky to be able to smile, never mind laugh. My life right now is struggling with depression, struggling with the fact that even though I say nothing to anyone or let on how I feel, that I'm honestly suicidal, even if only in the back of my mind - I won't act on it but I feel it, I feel it, I feel it. My life is crying silently where no one will see or hear.

Ah, Christ. So much for that light in the dark, I think it's been hopelessly extinguished.

I know it does no good to ask "why me". I know that. But Goddamnit, right now I do ask that - why me?

I don't think the Abilify is helping, to be honest, but I have to try anyway so that the doctor won't think I just gave up. Little does he know how close to giving up I feel right now.

Anyway. Off to bed to face another shit day. I am so close to saying "fuck this noise", it's not funny.

P.S. As a sidenote to the person that recently Emailed me and said for me to "cheer up, you'll never feel better if you don't"... if only it were that easy. Maybe it's that easy for you, dear, but my depression isn't some emo bullshit that comes and goes, okay? This is a real disease, and I suffer from it, and if you think I wanted this, you're stupider than I thought. Telling me to "cheer up" is like telling someone in a wheelchair to "get up and walk". Ain't that fucking simple, honey.

If you find my blog "too depressing" - then don't read it, it's that simple. I am not writing this to please you, or quite frankly anyone else. I'm writing this as something to make me feel better, and if you or others find it pleasing, I'm glad of it and I hope you'll keep reading it. But if not, c'est la vie. I'm done giving a shit if people disapprove - really.

'nuff said and good night.