In all honesty, I'm really feeling way too tired to post anything tonight. There's been a lot going on, though, as usual. It's funny how my life's turned from a slow-motion, depression-filled drag to one that's almost warp-speed and full of action. Is it bad to say that I actually long for a bit of ... well, I guess that "calm" isn't really the word I'm looking for, but perhaps I could use "dilatoriness" instead. (Hah... now who's the vocabulary vixen, Mr. Greg? Lawl.)
I was ruminating over my upcoming "end of year" post, thinking about everything that's happened to me since January. To be sure, this has been one hell of a wild year, and I'm sure that the last month and a half will be no different. In truth, I don't think I really want it any other way. After the last six years of pain, depression, sadness and tears.... I welcome everything that has happened to me in the last six months.
That is going to be one long-assed post, let me tell you.
So, a quick fill-in on everything that's happening:
- My (should be) final orthopedic appointment is tomorrow morning. The doctor will check out my wrist, but in all honesty, there's really nothing more he can do for me. My wrist is as healed as it's going to be. There's still some pain in the arm, a bit of stiffness, but there's not much I can do except live with it. I can use my arm again, I can write and type and lift things (though heavy items are still kind of unknown - I haven't pushed myself that far yet - once the doctor tells me for sure that the bones are healed, I'll try that out when I get the opportunity). That's all I can ask for.
- I dropped a heavy can of tomatoes on my big toe, and over the last few weeks, the nail's been slowly coming off - bit by painful, bloody, nasty bit. It finally fell all the way off tonight. Eeeeww. That's all there is to be said about that - just, eeeeww.
(This has NOT been a good year for me, medical-wise, unfortunately.)
- OB appointment went fine. There was a minor issue, but nothing that is life-threatening or massive, and I am in the clear until next year. Unfortunately, that's the year the stupid mammograms and Pap tests start - and Dr. Lynch is insistent about it, sigh. For once, I have a really great OB, though; she's sensitive to the fact that I have issues with this whole thing. Thank Christ for Fed insurance, man - I have the best doctors I could ask for.
Considering that I spent 20+ years abusing my body and never seeing doctors, ever, for anything - I'm amazingly healthy.
School is going well. The film class is a real blast - I love it. I get to watch movies with Greg on the weekends, which is not only accomplishing homework, but it's great bonding time as well. I love cuddling up with the Mister and watching the old black and whites or a good action film. I couldn't ask for a better way to do homework. :) The public policy class is, as I thought, boring, but it's flexible as far as class assignment dates (so far) and that helps. I've only had one grade so far in there, but it's a 90, so I can't be too upset about that.
I am seriously, seriously considering going on for a master's after I graduate. I know, it means spending more money in loans - but what the fuck? What do I have to lose? At UMUC I can also get a dual degree - an MS in crim management and an MBA at the same time - it's only 18 additional credits. Again - what the fuck? If it means I've accomplished something good, so be it, right?
I've also considered going for a health degree or certification as well, though. Time enough to think about that - I just want to get the B.S. done first.
It looks like I will, and very shortly, too. :o I'm amazed at myself, really...
Greg and I will celebrate 6 months together on the day after Thanksgiving. It's still as good as day one. The crunch, as we both tend to say, is still in the cookie. We've settled into a routine, the two of us, and while it's not all sunshine and roses (we both work an awful lot, and bad schedules at that)... it's a beautiful thing we've got.
I hesitate to let down my guard, or relax completely, not yet. But he's great for me. I hope that it's reciprocated.
And so concludes another update of my boring, yet queerly interesting at the same time, life. I look back on old entries - a year, 2 years ago at this time - and it's like a different person wrote them. Another world. Another life. Was that really me?
This new world of mine feels good. Really good. :)
Showing posts with label flashback. Show all posts
Showing posts with label flashback. Show all posts
15 November 2011
26 September 2011
The wounds are beginning to close.
I start this with the feeling that I want to write something, but... I don't really have a clear purpose in mind. This most likely means that it's going to be a lot of rambling about nothing, so if you don't really give a rat's ass about the inner workings of my head, it's probably best to skip this one. It's okay, really - I won't be upset about it. :p
My wrist and hand are doing a lot better, though they're not "fixed" by any means. I am still having trouble with some things such as putting on a bra or clothes that have to be buttoned (though I'm doing well with tying shoelaces, oddly). Today, I was able to tie my hair back into a tail for the first time since the accident, a very good sign. I am able to type again with both hands, though on a limited basis (I can only do it for short periods before I have to "rest" again - it's the way the cast is wrapped, bluh). My next orthopedic appointment is for October 5th, and there's a good possibility that I'll be able to get the cast off completely, though I'm sure I'll still have to wear a soft brace for a while. Still, it's better than this heavy monstrosity that seems to weigh more and more each passing day. Ugh!
I once again have been thinking of my recent past... only now I just feel indifference. It no longer matters. None of it does. I have survived the pain and I have come out on the other side stronger, healthier, more determined than ever. Perhaps the ghosts have finally been vanquished... or at the very least, put to rest.
Yesterday, my therapist shortened my appointments to once a month. When I first began seeing him, it was once a week. It's further proof that the depression is now fading away, or at least has been pushed way, way back onto the closet shelf. It gives me hope that I continue to improve, little by little, day by day. I hope that the depression stays gone - forever.
Still, I bear its scars. I suspect that I always will.
My relationship with Greg continues to flourish. I still pinch myself some days, wondering how all of this came to be... but I am trying not to question my good fortune, but to simply enjoy it.
It's strange, but I now wonder what this blog will become, now that my mental health has improved, if not been restored altogether. This used to be my complaining ground, my "best friend", the one place that I knew I could scream, whine, be emo, cry, sob my stupid head off. But now? I don't really know what purpose it serves these days, as I have very little to complain or cry about. I question whether I will - or should - continue to write in it. The lack of posting recently is no accident, really - I've just not had too much to say. I've been too busy living my life - and I've discovered that there IS a life out there!
(Though my wrist being broken doesn't lead me to want to use it too much in the pursuit of writing, or anything else. There is that, heh.)
And now, a video. :p Actually... this song has a certain meaning to me, as it's one of the last songs I remember... before the depression took over my life. :(
Yes, I cry when I hear this.
Enjoy. Until next time.
My wrist and hand are doing a lot better, though they're not "fixed" by any means. I am still having trouble with some things such as putting on a bra or clothes that have to be buttoned (though I'm doing well with tying shoelaces, oddly). Today, I was able to tie my hair back into a tail for the first time since the accident, a very good sign. I am able to type again with both hands, though on a limited basis (I can only do it for short periods before I have to "rest" again - it's the way the cast is wrapped, bluh). My next orthopedic appointment is for October 5th, and there's a good possibility that I'll be able to get the cast off completely, though I'm sure I'll still have to wear a soft brace for a while. Still, it's better than this heavy monstrosity that seems to weigh more and more each passing day. Ugh!
I once again have been thinking of my recent past... only now I just feel indifference. It no longer matters. None of it does. I have survived the pain and I have come out on the other side stronger, healthier, more determined than ever. Perhaps the ghosts have finally been vanquished... or at the very least, put to rest.
Yesterday, my therapist shortened my appointments to once a month. When I first began seeing him, it was once a week. It's further proof that the depression is now fading away, or at least has been pushed way, way back onto the closet shelf. It gives me hope that I continue to improve, little by little, day by day. I hope that the depression stays gone - forever.
Still, I bear its scars. I suspect that I always will.
My relationship with Greg continues to flourish. I still pinch myself some days, wondering how all of this came to be... but I am trying not to question my good fortune, but to simply enjoy it.
It's strange, but I now wonder what this blog will become, now that my mental health has improved, if not been restored altogether. This used to be my complaining ground, my "best friend", the one place that I knew I could scream, whine, be emo, cry, sob my stupid head off. But now? I don't really know what purpose it serves these days, as I have very little to complain or cry about. I question whether I will - or should - continue to write in it. The lack of posting recently is no accident, really - I've just not had too much to say. I've been too busy living my life - and I've discovered that there IS a life out there!
(Though my wrist being broken doesn't lead me to want to use it too much in the pursuit of writing, or anything else. There is that, heh.)
And now, a video. :p Actually... this song has a certain meaning to me, as it's one of the last songs I remember... before the depression took over my life. :(
Yes, I cry when I hear this.
Enjoy. Until next time.
30 May 2011
Struggling... but forging ahead.
I had been feeling better about things for the last couple of days, but I find myself turning melancholy once again. The situation last week has taken more of a toll on me than I ever dreamed... and it's frightening because I don't know that I'll ever really recover from it.
Part of my therapy session this week dealt with that loss, and intense discussion about it. I had never really talked with anyone about it before (maybe because the circumstances were such that I felt a little ashamed of it). After a good deal of explanation, including specifics of the situation, my doctor said something that resonated with me... it not only made me feel a little better, but it's given me hope.
He'd said to me, "You cannot blame yourself. You have the hope of a normal, healthy relationship. Once you deal with all of the pain that you've been subjected to... you have a chance of being happy with another person. The other person in your situation does not. The other person in your situation has very deep issues, issues that are brain-related. Speaking from a psychological point of view, this person is very sick. They will never get any better or have anything more than what they have right now - because their pattern keeps repeating, over and over. They will not ever have a successful, healthy relationship... but you will."
It was like a sledgehammer had slammed into my brain.
I try to hold on to my doctor's words. I really do. It's eased some of the still-intense pain that I feel. It gives me hope that one day, one day.... I'll find a person that I can relate to and that can relate to me.
I've met someone recently, through one of the myriad online dating sites. We seem to have a lot in common, but... he recently dropped a bombshell that he was "legally married, but hasn't seen her in years", blah blah. He's told me 4 days after meeting me, so perhaps he's on the up and up, but... I just feel like I can't trust him. I know that it's because of all of the shit I've been through. I know that. I'm still speaking with him, because after all - we're only friends. It's not went any further, and even if it did, it wouldn't happen right away, as he lives in Florida.
Why can't I meet someone that's decent, honest, and lives HERE, for Chrissake?
Ah, forgive me. I really should choose better music... I'm listening to a song that reminds me of ... well, the situation. Oddly, the lyrics sort of fit....
Babe, baby, baby, I'm gonna leave you
I said baby, you know I'm gonna leave you.
I'll leave you when the summertime,
Leave you when the summer comes a-rollin'
Leave you when the summer comes along.
Classic Led Zeppelin. I love it so. Only right now it's full of pain.
The overwhelming anxiety has finally disappeared. But I know I'm not the same. I don't laugh or smile anymore. My appetite has been reduced to nearly nothing (not that that's a bad thing, as I'm losing weight like crazy, heh). And even the smallest of triggers can reduce me to a sobbing ball of mush.
But I'll get over this. It's not my fault.... I'm normal. I'm normal. I have to hang on to those words... I'll recover and I'll be happy. Won't I?
I wonder sometimes.
Part of my therapy session this week dealt with that loss, and intense discussion about it. I had never really talked with anyone about it before (maybe because the circumstances were such that I felt a little ashamed of it). After a good deal of explanation, including specifics of the situation, my doctor said something that resonated with me... it not only made me feel a little better, but it's given me hope.
He'd said to me, "You cannot blame yourself. You have the hope of a normal, healthy relationship. Once you deal with all of the pain that you've been subjected to... you have a chance of being happy with another person. The other person in your situation does not. The other person in your situation has very deep issues, issues that are brain-related. Speaking from a psychological point of view, this person is very sick. They will never get any better or have anything more than what they have right now - because their pattern keeps repeating, over and over. They will not ever have a successful, healthy relationship... but you will."
It was like a sledgehammer had slammed into my brain.
I try to hold on to my doctor's words. I really do. It's eased some of the still-intense pain that I feel. It gives me hope that one day, one day.... I'll find a person that I can relate to and that can relate to me.
I've met someone recently, through one of the myriad online dating sites. We seem to have a lot in common, but... he recently dropped a bombshell that he was "legally married, but hasn't seen her in years", blah blah. He's told me 4 days after meeting me, so perhaps he's on the up and up, but... I just feel like I can't trust him. I know that it's because of all of the shit I've been through. I know that. I'm still speaking with him, because after all - we're only friends. It's not went any further, and even if it did, it wouldn't happen right away, as he lives in Florida.
Why can't I meet someone that's decent, honest, and lives HERE, for Chrissake?
Ah, forgive me. I really should choose better music... I'm listening to a song that reminds me of ... well, the situation. Oddly, the lyrics sort of fit....
Babe, baby, baby, I'm gonna leave you
I said baby, you know I'm gonna leave you.
I'll leave you when the summertime,
Leave you when the summer comes a-rollin'
Leave you when the summer comes along.
Classic Led Zeppelin. I love it so. Only right now it's full of pain.
The overwhelming anxiety has finally disappeared. But I know I'm not the same. I don't laugh or smile anymore. My appetite has been reduced to nearly nothing (not that that's a bad thing, as I'm losing weight like crazy, heh). And even the smallest of triggers can reduce me to a sobbing ball of mush.
But I'll get over this. It's not my fault.... I'm normal. I'm normal. I have to hang on to those words... I'll recover and I'll be happy. Won't I?
I wonder sometimes.
31 December 2010
A pragmatic ending and a hopeful beginning.
So, here we are again; it's the annual "end of the year" post where I refuse to recap the past 12 months and insist that you go look it all up in the previous entries. :p
I think that I'm going to take a different stance on things this year, though, in that for once, I have a lot of things to talk about. I've been very loquacious these past two weeks - more so than I have been in the last two years. I'm talking, sharing, relating with people. It's a strange, heady feeling, but it's also not feeling false or forced. It used to be that I'd make an attempt at being sociable, and afterwards I would feel horrible, as if I'd talked too much or sounded tinny and false; which in retrospect, probably wasn't far off the mark. But I'm actually feeling pretty well today. Today is one of my "good days", I guess you could say.
So I'll just do a quick recap of the past year, through my eyes, which have been blinded for a good portion of the time... but the cobwebs are truly beginning to clear.
The best part of the year for me was easily buying this house back in April. This was the best move I have ever made for myself, bar none. I don't think that anything can compare to the knowledge that I have that this house is mine, that I will never be forced to move on because of circumstance or because I wasn't wanted somewhere. I still have a long way to go as far as getting the things that I need... but for the first time in... what may be forever.... I now feel that I have a real home.
Other highlights of the year include my finding my therapist, who has helped me more than I can ever say. I have come forward in great strides since August, when I began seeing him on a regular basis, and have knocked down some impenetrable walls since - all without drugs or being locked up. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for this, believe me, but I'm taking the tools that I'm slowly learning and using them for my good, and in the end for others' good as well.
I've learned that in order to love other people, I need to love myself first and foremost. I've learned that maybe being ethical isn't a bad thing. I've learned that perhaps honesty is the way to go, and I've learned that other peoples' shortcomings aren't necessarily my own. Last night, I had a long, good talk with a friend who has been through hell and back with me and this illness... I mean, I have seriously put him through the wringer with this shit. I told him that I've learned that I am the sum of my experiences - one bad experience does not make my whole life, nor does it make me as a complete person. I've learned that while there are bad things in one's life, and even whole blocks of bad times, there's also some good times and experiences in almost everything one does.
And I've learned that my family's mistakes aren't mine. I've learned that even though I've been abused, I can rise above it - that indeed, it is my duty to rise above it and make something out of myself. And I think I've begun that process. There's always more I can do, and more work to be done. But 2011 will be a part of that work, and if there's anything I've learned from this depression, it's that self-improvement can never harm, and always helps.
Pretty heavy stuff, huh? :)
Now... the worst part of the year, well. I'll be straight with you on this - in some ways, the worst part of the year actually turned me around and began the real job of healing. If you go back to late September, where I'd said that something horrible had happened to me and that I couldn't discuss it.... that is the worst part of the year for me. I will reveal that incident now - basically, I'd had a date with someone I'd met online, and it ended up that I was more or less raped. It wasn't a violent incident, but.... the details really don't matter, because when someone says no, no matter what part of the buildup you're in - if they don't stop, it's rape. And that's what it turned out to be.
I'll be frank with you. I considered suicide. I wanted to die. I was very, very close to taking a butcher knife out of the kitchen and driving it into my chest. I was violated, humiliated, thought that death was the only escape from all of the misery and depression symptoms. I couldn't cope. And I didn't tell anyone about it, because.... what could I really say? It was that old self-validation kicking in, the sense that I needed this asshole's approval to feel good about myself. Isn't that terrible?
But, you see... after that weekend, where I lay on my sofa, dry-eyed and burning with hate... that's when it all started to turn around for me. I had that choice in my hands... life or death. That knife in my hands would determine the course of my fate. And quite honestly, that was one heavy, heavy choice. To know that I had the power to end it all.... or to fight the disgust, anger, depression, the effects of the abuse that I've endured throughout my life. Was I really worth nothing more than peoples' scorn and abuse? Or was it up to me to make myself worth more?
Ever since that day, I have had a steel determination to never, never, ever let someone abuse me again - in any way, shape or form. The minute that boundaries are crossed, I cut them loose, and I don't allow anyone to take more than I'm willing to give them. I no longer accept being treated like a second-class citizen, from anybody or anything. If people don't like me, that's just too bad - they have a choice to not be around me, just like I have a choice not to be treated like garbage.
I'm not second-best. I'm not someone's option, I am a goddamn PRIORITY, and I will be treated like one!
So... that was the worst part of it for me. The cruise in September just before that wasn't nearly as awful, but it wasn't a huge success, either. I just don't think that cruising is the type of vacation I enjoy, and I probably won't go again. Otherwise, it's been kind of a quiet year, and one filled with self-discoveries and learning, some good and some bad.
Now, for the predictions of 2011. I don't do resolutions, you see, as calling them 'resolutions' is a sure way of making them not happen, heh.
Career: I think it's going to continue to be full of changes and improvements. If I receive another promotion next year, I'll be elevated to a GS-6, which isn't much more in the pay scale, but it's a huge step as far as levels are concerned. I am more or less satisfied with the job for the present time, though I need to start thinking about ramping up the skill set and maybe updating a few of my abilities.
Health, Mental: I seriously feel that I'm going to continue to improve on this front. I have never felt better than in the last 2 weeks. Yes, I continue to have some spells, but they're much shorter in duration and come during fragile times of the year such as the holidays or my birthday. Therapy continues. We shall see.
Health, Physical: I haven't been able to concentrate on this front in 2010, and I have unfortunately begun to see some deterioration in my body because of it. I still do not have the inherited family difficulties yet (varicose veins, respiratory issues, circulation problems), but they're slowly coming. I have had some disturbing physical symptoms appear due to my weight, which I am making a huge priority to do something about this year. I am considering doing a separate blog for this issue alone (which I shall surely share when the time is right). This isn't a resolution, okay; this is an issue that I am taking VERY seriously. I will be much healthier physically by this time next year, or there will be a damned good reason why, which in that case, I will seriously put the option of bariatric surgery on the table. I'm done with looking and feeling like a pile of crap. If I can work to heal my mind and be rid of this depression - I can lose this fucking weight.
I ask for everyone's support for this, because if I do have surgery, it will be a lifetime change that I will have to deal with, and it's very frightening.
Social Life/Relationships: No progress on this front in 2010. The last two weeks of this year have been a little abnormal, but it's because I'm feeling pretty well. Otherwise, there has been little to no change. I am not concerned about it, as I have repeatedly stated that I'm not ready for it. For 2011, I predict that there still won't be a lot of changes, though I think it'll get slightly easier. Time will tell.
Financial: I end 2010 in excellent financial shape. I'm hoping to have a lot more in savings and investments in 2011, though I'll always have a little bit of a shopping bug, probably more so than usual now because of the house. I'm not going to hesitate in treating myself to things, though, should I want something.
....and that's it. That's really all that I wanted to say tonight. Basically, I'm not unhappy to see 2010 depart, but at the same time, I feel that it was a year of transition for me, from desperately ill to recovering. Hopefully by this time in 2011, I can finally report that I'm doing much better. :)
This is the song that, for me, sums up how I feel 2011 will be. I hope that it is!
Happy New Year to all. May it be everything that you want it to be.
I think that I'm going to take a different stance on things this year, though, in that for once, I have a lot of things to talk about. I've been very loquacious these past two weeks - more so than I have been in the last two years. I'm talking, sharing, relating with people. It's a strange, heady feeling, but it's also not feeling false or forced. It used to be that I'd make an attempt at being sociable, and afterwards I would feel horrible, as if I'd talked too much or sounded tinny and false; which in retrospect, probably wasn't far off the mark. But I'm actually feeling pretty well today. Today is one of my "good days", I guess you could say.
So I'll just do a quick recap of the past year, through my eyes, which have been blinded for a good portion of the time... but the cobwebs are truly beginning to clear.
The best part of the year for me was easily buying this house back in April. This was the best move I have ever made for myself, bar none. I don't think that anything can compare to the knowledge that I have that this house is mine, that I will never be forced to move on because of circumstance or because I wasn't wanted somewhere. I still have a long way to go as far as getting the things that I need... but for the first time in... what may be forever.... I now feel that I have a real home.
Other highlights of the year include my finding my therapist, who has helped me more than I can ever say. I have come forward in great strides since August, when I began seeing him on a regular basis, and have knocked down some impenetrable walls since - all without drugs or being locked up. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for this, believe me, but I'm taking the tools that I'm slowly learning and using them for my good, and in the end for others' good as well.
I've learned that in order to love other people, I need to love myself first and foremost. I've learned that maybe being ethical isn't a bad thing. I've learned that perhaps honesty is the way to go, and I've learned that other peoples' shortcomings aren't necessarily my own. Last night, I had a long, good talk with a friend who has been through hell and back with me and this illness... I mean, I have seriously put him through the wringer with this shit. I told him that I've learned that I am the sum of my experiences - one bad experience does not make my whole life, nor does it make me as a complete person. I've learned that while there are bad things in one's life, and even whole blocks of bad times, there's also some good times and experiences in almost everything one does.
And I've learned that my family's mistakes aren't mine. I've learned that even though I've been abused, I can rise above it - that indeed, it is my duty to rise above it and make something out of myself. And I think I've begun that process. There's always more I can do, and more work to be done. But 2011 will be a part of that work, and if there's anything I've learned from this depression, it's that self-improvement can never harm, and always helps.
Pretty heavy stuff, huh? :)
Now... the worst part of the year, well. I'll be straight with you on this - in some ways, the worst part of the year actually turned me around and began the real job of healing. If you go back to late September, where I'd said that something horrible had happened to me and that I couldn't discuss it.... that is the worst part of the year for me. I will reveal that incident now - basically, I'd had a date with someone I'd met online, and it ended up that I was more or less raped. It wasn't a violent incident, but.... the details really don't matter, because when someone says no, no matter what part of the buildup you're in - if they don't stop, it's rape. And that's what it turned out to be.
I'll be frank with you. I considered suicide. I wanted to die. I was very, very close to taking a butcher knife out of the kitchen and driving it into my chest. I was violated, humiliated, thought that death was the only escape from all of the misery and depression symptoms. I couldn't cope. And I didn't tell anyone about it, because.... what could I really say? It was that old self-validation kicking in, the sense that I needed this asshole's approval to feel good about myself. Isn't that terrible?
But, you see... after that weekend, where I lay on my sofa, dry-eyed and burning with hate... that's when it all started to turn around for me. I had that choice in my hands... life or death. That knife in my hands would determine the course of my fate. And quite honestly, that was one heavy, heavy choice. To know that I had the power to end it all.... or to fight the disgust, anger, depression, the effects of the abuse that I've endured throughout my life. Was I really worth nothing more than peoples' scorn and abuse? Or was it up to me to make myself worth more?
Ever since that day, I have had a steel determination to never, never, ever let someone abuse me again - in any way, shape or form. The minute that boundaries are crossed, I cut them loose, and I don't allow anyone to take more than I'm willing to give them. I no longer accept being treated like a second-class citizen, from anybody or anything. If people don't like me, that's just too bad - they have a choice to not be around me, just like I have a choice not to be treated like garbage.
I'm not second-best. I'm not someone's option, I am a goddamn PRIORITY, and I will be treated like one!
So... that was the worst part of it for me. The cruise in September just before that wasn't nearly as awful, but it wasn't a huge success, either. I just don't think that cruising is the type of vacation I enjoy, and I probably won't go again. Otherwise, it's been kind of a quiet year, and one filled with self-discoveries and learning, some good and some bad.
Now, for the predictions of 2011. I don't do resolutions, you see, as calling them 'resolutions' is a sure way of making them not happen, heh.
Career: I think it's going to continue to be full of changes and improvements. If I receive another promotion next year, I'll be elevated to a GS-6, which isn't much more in the pay scale, but it's a huge step as far as levels are concerned. I am more or less satisfied with the job for the present time, though I need to start thinking about ramping up the skill set and maybe updating a few of my abilities.
Health, Mental: I seriously feel that I'm going to continue to improve on this front. I have never felt better than in the last 2 weeks. Yes, I continue to have some spells, but they're much shorter in duration and come during fragile times of the year such as the holidays or my birthday. Therapy continues. We shall see.
Health, Physical: I haven't been able to concentrate on this front in 2010, and I have unfortunately begun to see some deterioration in my body because of it. I still do not have the inherited family difficulties yet (varicose veins, respiratory issues, circulation problems), but they're slowly coming. I have had some disturbing physical symptoms appear due to my weight, which I am making a huge priority to do something about this year. I am considering doing a separate blog for this issue alone (which I shall surely share when the time is right). This isn't a resolution, okay; this is an issue that I am taking VERY seriously. I will be much healthier physically by this time next year, or there will be a damned good reason why, which in that case, I will seriously put the option of bariatric surgery on the table. I'm done with looking and feeling like a pile of crap. If I can work to heal my mind and be rid of this depression - I can lose this fucking weight.
I ask for everyone's support for this, because if I do have surgery, it will be a lifetime change that I will have to deal with, and it's very frightening.
Social Life/Relationships: No progress on this front in 2010. The last two weeks of this year have been a little abnormal, but it's because I'm feeling pretty well. Otherwise, there has been little to no change. I am not concerned about it, as I have repeatedly stated that I'm not ready for it. For 2011, I predict that there still won't be a lot of changes, though I think it'll get slightly easier. Time will tell.
Financial: I end 2010 in excellent financial shape. I'm hoping to have a lot more in savings and investments in 2011, though I'll always have a little bit of a shopping bug, probably more so than usual now because of the house. I'm not going to hesitate in treating myself to things, though, should I want something.
....and that's it. That's really all that I wanted to say tonight. Basically, I'm not unhappy to see 2010 depart, but at the same time, I feel that it was a year of transition for me, from desperately ill to recovering. Hopefully by this time in 2011, I can finally report that I'm doing much better. :)
This is the song that, for me, sums up how I feel 2011 will be. I hope that it is!
Happy New Year to all. May it be everything that you want it to be.
13 August 2010
Strangeness.
I have had what can only be termed a strange week. Oh, it's not been unusual as far as particular moods or outlooks on life are concerned - I still more or less feel like shit and hate 99.9% of humanity, heh. But some things have happened that have been good, disturbing, and interesting - sometimes all at once.
First, let's start wth the good and get that happy, cheery, positive shit out of the way, shall we? Anyway, I believe that I've found therapy that may just work for me. It's right down the street at a clinic called Chase-Brexton. They've been around for quite a while, mainly focusing on the GLBT community in Baltimore, but they've expanded to serve everyone - and that includes mental health. So I actually DID call my insurance company - decided that I couldn't take any more bullshit, if I had to stay on hold for hours, so be it - and for once, they were actually pretty helpful. They referred me over to CBHS, so I get to talk with referral staff today. Oh, joy. The sarcasm is misplaced, though, in this instance - I need to get back on medication, or talk to someone I can relate to, I don't know. I'm dubious that any of this shit will help me, but at this point I've got nothing to lose but my sanity. (And possibly, my job, if I don't get right soon.)
Now, the interesting. (I know, it's out of order, but the disturbing will come in a moment, because it bothers me - a lot - and I may need peoples' thoughts on it.)
The interesting is only that I've managed to strike up a conversation with a guy that rides the commuter train with me in the mornings. That's it. I know, earth-shattering news, but when you live in an antisocial bubble and do your best to avoid any and all human contact, it's a big deal, at least to me. Of course, my workplace in its infinite wisdom has switched me back over to the evening shift, which means I won't get to see him for another month. Thanks, assholes.
Now, for the disturbing. And the subject of said disturbance may be reading here. If that's so, I will warn that subject now to stop reading, or be prepared to be a little hurt by what I say, because I feel what I feel, and your presence in my life doesn't stop those feelings. In other words, deal with it. Ready? Here it comes.
I have recently reconnected with a person that was in my life about 20 years ago, when I was a green idiot in high school. That person did something to me way back when to cause me to abandon the friendship - it's really not that important what it was now, something that was probably very petty. But as we all know, people with mental conditions such as I have don't see things that way, and they carry slights and hurt with them like so much luggage for years. This is no different for me.
And, additionally as we all know, I in particular do not forgive a slight very easily.
Anyway, I have been questioning myself as to what my real motive is for getting back in touch with this person. Is it so that I can take my very real and still very fresh anger out on them? Should I have gotten back in touch with them at all, or should I have just let sleeping dogs lie? And can I still do that? This hasn't gotten very far, after all, I haven't really updated this person on my life or what's going on with me - I just know about them. And from the pieces of news that I've received, they're simply not doing very well.
God help me, but in some ways I think it's poetic justice. They hurt me, I now wonder if they know what it feels like to hurt. I actually get some pleasure out of that - isn't that terrible?
I'm seriously thinking of just quietly walking away from the situation, partially because I think my motives are unclean (i.e., I just want to hurt them in revenge for hurting me all those years ago, which isn't the reason why someone should be coming back into a person's life), and partially because said person's life is in upheaval and full of drama, which is the LAST thing I need to deal with at this point in my life. I need uncomplicated and drama-free, and the appearance of this person isn't going to make it so. Not by a long shot.
Anyhow. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Like I said - a strange week. I have a paper due this weekend, which is good, because I'll actually have to concentrate on something other than my vacant head.
Must work now. Adios. :p
First, let's start wth the good and get that happy, cheery, positive shit out of the way, shall we? Anyway, I believe that I've found therapy that may just work for me. It's right down the street at a clinic called Chase-Brexton. They've been around for quite a while, mainly focusing on the GLBT community in Baltimore, but they've expanded to serve everyone - and that includes mental health. So I actually DID call my insurance company - decided that I couldn't take any more bullshit, if I had to stay on hold for hours, so be it - and for once, they were actually pretty helpful. They referred me over to CBHS, so I get to talk with referral staff today. Oh, joy. The sarcasm is misplaced, though, in this instance - I need to get back on medication, or talk to someone I can relate to, I don't know. I'm dubious that any of this shit will help me, but at this point I've got nothing to lose but my sanity. (And possibly, my job, if I don't get right soon.)
Now, the interesting. (I know, it's out of order, but the disturbing will come in a moment, because it bothers me - a lot - and I may need peoples' thoughts on it.)
The interesting is only that I've managed to strike up a conversation with a guy that rides the commuter train with me in the mornings. That's it. I know, earth-shattering news, but when you live in an antisocial bubble and do your best to avoid any and all human contact, it's a big deal, at least to me. Of course, my workplace in its infinite wisdom has switched me back over to the evening shift, which means I won't get to see him for another month. Thanks, assholes.
Now, for the disturbing. And the subject of said disturbance may be reading here. If that's so, I will warn that subject now to stop reading, or be prepared to be a little hurt by what I say, because I feel what I feel, and your presence in my life doesn't stop those feelings. In other words, deal with it. Ready? Here it comes.
I have recently reconnected with a person that was in my life about 20 years ago, when I was a green idiot in high school. That person did something to me way back when to cause me to abandon the friendship - it's really not that important what it was now, something that was probably very petty. But as we all know, people with mental conditions such as I have don't see things that way, and they carry slights and hurt with them like so much luggage for years. This is no different for me.
And, additionally as we all know, I in particular do not forgive a slight very easily.
Anyway, I have been questioning myself as to what my real motive is for getting back in touch with this person. Is it so that I can take my very real and still very fresh anger out on them? Should I have gotten back in touch with them at all, or should I have just let sleeping dogs lie? And can I still do that? This hasn't gotten very far, after all, I haven't really updated this person on my life or what's going on with me - I just know about them. And from the pieces of news that I've received, they're simply not doing very well.
God help me, but in some ways I think it's poetic justice. They hurt me, I now wonder if they know what it feels like to hurt. I actually get some pleasure out of that - isn't that terrible?
I'm seriously thinking of just quietly walking away from the situation, partially because I think my motives are unclean (i.e., I just want to hurt them in revenge for hurting me all those years ago, which isn't the reason why someone should be coming back into a person's life), and partially because said person's life is in upheaval and full of drama, which is the LAST thing I need to deal with at this point in my life. I need uncomplicated and drama-free, and the appearance of this person isn't going to make it so. Not by a long shot.
Anyhow. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Like I said - a strange week. I have a paper due this weekend, which is good, because I'll actually have to concentrate on something other than my vacant head.
Must work now. Adios. :p
26 June 2010
Songs that make me absolutely sick.
I was watching VH-1 Classic this morning (often something I do when there is absolutely nothing on the tube - it's amazing, I have DirecTV satellite and yet out of 500+ channels there's still zero airing that isn't dreck), and they were having a "Totally 80's" block. (Shut. the. fuck. up. It's my generation, damn it, so kiss my round red ass.) Anyway... they were playing mostly good stuff, but there are some tunes from that era that were disgustingly "feel good, positive, chin up, happy happy" bullshit. Since the 80's were basically not a very happy period of time for me as a rule, those songs tend to make me want to vomit.
Unfortunately, some of them are making a comeback. Why, I could not tell you.
I now present some of the most disgusting tunes ever made - at least in my opinion. The videos are included, though why you would ever watch them, I have no idea. I know I won't be. (Note: they're not all from the 80's, but for some reason that decade was the most nauseating...)
1.) Katrina & The Waves - "Walking On Sunshine"
This is the video that got me thinking about this whole subject. I mean, come on. First of all, those three guys walking behind this bitch look anything but happy to be in this silly, sad video. And it's common knowledge that "the Waves" aren't nearly as important in this act as "Katrina", whom I suppose is pretty enough but quite frankly looks like she's singing about her girlfriend, if you know what I mean. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, but let's face it, those tennis shoes of hers don't make her look real feminine, know what I'm saying?) Second, if you're going to be doing a video about sunshine - pick a sunny day and not a foggy, gray rainmaker. Though the shots of the bridge in London are a nice touch. It does occur to me that it could be a statement of irony, but I honestly don't think that was the intention - they don't look intelligent enough for it.
2.) Bobby McFerrin - "Don't Worry (Be Happy)"
This is the song that is on my all-time shit list. Don't worry? Is this guy fucking nuts? It's obvious this asshole has never suffered with depression or has even heard of it. Plus that guy going "whoo-hoo-hoo" in the bridge makes me want to curl my nails into his throat and rip it out - Jesus, how irritating. This video is actually cut off in the middle of the song - which for me is sweet fucking relief. I think this one actually vaults above Miss Katrina up there for the "most fucking annoying" award. The real kicker about this song is - this douchebag doesn't even give you a reason why you shouldn't worry about things. Just unbridled, unthinking optimism. That's how people get hurt, motherfucker. Sad thing is, this dick laughed all the way to the bank with people's money. I guess he doesn't have to worry about shit, now does he?
3.) Fleetwood Mac - "Don't Stop"
It absolutely breaks my heart to have to put Fleetwood Mac on this list, because I've always liked them so much, especially the tracks "Dreams" and "Rhiannon", which are nothing short of beautiful. But this song is an abomination. The lyrics - ugh. "Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone." Thanks for reminding me, assholes. I already regret that I've lost so much of my life to depression, I really don't need a reminder that I've wasted yet another day because I can't manage to hold my head up without sobbing my heart out. Jerks. My only consolation is that maybe Christine McVie and Lindsey Buckingham were LSD-tripping when they wrote this - I could possibly forgive them.
4.) Lee Ann Womack - "I Hope You Dance"
This bitch just...doesn't... get it. It's obvious that this song is for people that have never had one thing go wrong in their lives - that or fools, because you would be a fucking idiot to be that frigging optimistic. Thanks, but I will sit this out and be glad to do so, because I'm of the real world. What a douche. And so obviously trying to cater to the "girly-girl", the so-called "sisterhood", blah blah. Such a joke. I won't even get into that subject, because that's another rant altogether.
5.) Johnny Nash - "I Can See Clearly Now"
"I can see clearly now, the man's insane!
I can see all the bullshit that's in his way....
Gone is the common sense I thought he had,
He's going to sing a dumb (dim), dense (thick) piece of crap song!"
Heh, no doubt there'll be a part two....
Unfortunately, some of them are making a comeback. Why, I could not tell you.
I now present some of the most disgusting tunes ever made - at least in my opinion. The videos are included, though why you would ever watch them, I have no idea. I know I won't be. (Note: they're not all from the 80's, but for some reason that decade was the most nauseating...)
1.) Katrina & The Waves - "Walking On Sunshine"
This is the video that got me thinking about this whole subject. I mean, come on. First of all, those three guys walking behind this bitch look anything but happy to be in this silly, sad video. And it's common knowledge that "the Waves" aren't nearly as important in this act as "Katrina", whom I suppose is pretty enough but quite frankly looks like she's singing about her girlfriend, if you know what I mean. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, but let's face it, those tennis shoes of hers don't make her look real feminine, know what I'm saying?) Second, if you're going to be doing a video about sunshine - pick a sunny day and not a foggy, gray rainmaker. Though the shots of the bridge in London are a nice touch. It does occur to me that it could be a statement of irony, but I honestly don't think that was the intention - they don't look intelligent enough for it.
2.) Bobby McFerrin - "Don't Worry (Be Happy)"
This is the song that is on my all-time shit list. Don't worry? Is this guy fucking nuts? It's obvious this asshole has never suffered with depression or has even heard of it. Plus that guy going "whoo-hoo-hoo" in the bridge makes me want to curl my nails into his throat and rip it out - Jesus, how irritating. This video is actually cut off in the middle of the song - which for me is sweet fucking relief. I think this one actually vaults above Miss Katrina up there for the "most fucking annoying" award. The real kicker about this song is - this douchebag doesn't even give you a reason why you shouldn't worry about things. Just unbridled, unthinking optimism. That's how people get hurt, motherfucker. Sad thing is, this dick laughed all the way to the bank with people's money. I guess he doesn't have to worry about shit, now does he?
3.) Fleetwood Mac - "Don't Stop"
It absolutely breaks my heart to have to put Fleetwood Mac on this list, because I've always liked them so much, especially the tracks "Dreams" and "Rhiannon", which are nothing short of beautiful. But this song is an abomination. The lyrics - ugh. "Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone." Thanks for reminding me, assholes. I already regret that I've lost so much of my life to depression, I really don't need a reminder that I've wasted yet another day because I can't manage to hold my head up without sobbing my heart out. Jerks. My only consolation is that maybe Christine McVie and Lindsey Buckingham were LSD-tripping when they wrote this - I could possibly forgive them.
4.) Lee Ann Womack - "I Hope You Dance"
This bitch just...doesn't... get it. It's obvious that this song is for people that have never had one thing go wrong in their lives - that or fools, because you would be a fucking idiot to be that frigging optimistic. Thanks, but I will sit this out and be glad to do so, because I'm of the real world. What a douche. And so obviously trying to cater to the "girly-girl", the so-called "sisterhood", blah blah. Such a joke. I won't even get into that subject, because that's another rant altogether.
5.) Johnny Nash - "I Can See Clearly Now"
"I can see clearly now, the man's insane!
I can see all the bullshit that's in his way....
Gone is the common sense I thought he had,
He's going to sing a dumb (dim), dense (thick) piece of crap song!"
Heh, no doubt there'll be a part two....
03 July 2009
Well...
...I got promoted at work to a Grade 4. It means an extra 4000 dollars a year and more work than ever.
But at least I'm good for something.
The next 4 days are mine. I'm going to enjoy them.
But at least I'm good for something.
The next 4 days are mine. I'm going to enjoy them.
04 April 2009
I am feeling MUCH better!
It was so weird - yesterday morning I woke up in tears, again, like I had been for the last three weeks... but by the time work was over, I was perfectly fine - smiling, my head felt clear, things even looked brighter and sharper. It was like the clouds just disappeared.
This convinces that work is definitely one of the major causes of what's going on with me - but I'm not so sure it's just that. For the last three weekends I've felt like utter shit, it didn't matter - so what's different about this weekend?
Maybe it's because spring weather is finally here, too. Don't get me wrong, I normally love, love, love the rain. But after nearly two weeks of it...well. You tend to start wishing that it would clear up, just for a day. And so it has - it's gorgeous outside, perfect temperatures, perfect everything. It's a little windy, but I like even that. Maryland is at her best in the springtime, I've always said that, and will continue to say. It'll stay like this until Memorial Day.. but afterwards, ughughugh.
I hate summer with a passion.
I've gotten back about 1500 dollars from federal and state gubmints combined. Not a bad chunk of change. Shame it's all going to pay bills off, heh, but there'll be another chance to travel/have fun later. I have to get my ass in gear and get out of the starting-to-be-massive debt I've begun to accumulate. It took me 8 years to get my credit back together after my ex-husband fucked me over, so I'll be damned if I'm going to blow it up myself after all I've been through!
Other than the above, there's not much going on, but I'm okay with that. Just to feel better is a miracle that I've prayed for, for the last month. :)
Here's a video for you all, just to mix it up a bit. I've been running through the lists over at DiscoMusic picking up the more obscure tunage and I've come across some absolute gems. (Yes, I like disco. Fuck you.) Anyway, I picked up this one, it's from 1982 and apparently quite the rarity, though not rare enough not to show up on YouTube, heh. You must forgive the actors their 1982-era clothes and mannerisms - we didn't know any better in those days. :D
Until next time.
This convinces that work is definitely one of the major causes of what's going on with me - but I'm not so sure it's just that. For the last three weekends I've felt like utter shit, it didn't matter - so what's different about this weekend?
Maybe it's because spring weather is finally here, too. Don't get me wrong, I normally love, love, love the rain. But after nearly two weeks of it...well. You tend to start wishing that it would clear up, just for a day. And so it has - it's gorgeous outside, perfect temperatures, perfect everything. It's a little windy, but I like even that. Maryland is at her best in the springtime, I've always said that, and will continue to say. It'll stay like this until Memorial Day.. but afterwards, ughughugh.
I hate summer with a passion.
I've gotten back about 1500 dollars from federal and state gubmints combined. Not a bad chunk of change. Shame it's all going to pay bills off, heh, but there'll be another chance to travel/have fun later. I have to get my ass in gear and get out of the starting-to-be-massive debt I've begun to accumulate. It took me 8 years to get my credit back together after my ex-husband fucked me over, so I'll be damned if I'm going to blow it up myself after all I've been through!
Other than the above, there's not much going on, but I'm okay with that. Just to feel better is a miracle that I've prayed for, for the last month. :)
Here's a video for you all, just to mix it up a bit. I've been running through the lists over at DiscoMusic picking up the more obscure tunage and I've come across some absolute gems. (Yes, I like disco. Fuck you.) Anyway, I picked up this one, it's from 1982 and apparently quite the rarity, though not rare enough not to show up on YouTube, heh. You must forgive the actors their 1982-era clothes and mannerisms - we didn't know any better in those days. :D
Until next time.
06 March 2009
Better.
I'm feeling a little better this morning, though I have a headache that's the intensity of a 18 Richter-scale earthquake, which is a common symptom after an 'attack'. I'm grateful that the duration was very short - it does mean that I'm getting better. It's also Friday, which means very little work and not much stress. I'm grateful for that, too.
I was in the shower and going through my usual mind-process (see here for the details, and I got to thinking about friendship. I was ruminating over my last post, how awful I truly sounded, and thinking to myself that I just sounded like a whiny little bitch. Then my thoughts turned to my ex-best friend April, whom I've occasionally talked about before, but never in great detail.
April was my childhood best friend - we met in nursery school when we were 3 years old, and the friendship lasted until we were both 20. What broke that up? As usual, a man - go figure (and that man, Stephen, wasn't even worth it - he was an abusive son-of-a-bitch but that's another story for another time). That was really the final break, though - April had done a lot to hurt me before that. She was instrumental in the torment that I went through in middle school, with all of the bullying and the physical abuse (again, another story for another time, but I'll just say it happened and move on). To me, our friendship ended then, not later.
I used to ask my mother and brother (and later my brother's bitch of an ex-girlfriend that lived with us) to tell April that I wasn't home when she called. "I'm not home, tell her I'm not here!" My mother would say, "No, you tell her that, you're being cruel, you should talk to the girl, what did she ever do to you?" Thing is... I never told her what she did to me, because by that time my mother had proven that I couldn't tell her anything without my either not being believed, or that she didn't have time to hear it - that was a favorite excuse of hers, she never had time to hear it.
Plenty of time for my brother, though.
Anyway, I'm not sure what the point of this originally was - maybe I'm asking for feedback, were my actions cruel? What would you do if it was proven that a "friend" deliberately hurt you? On top of all the other hurt you were getting as well?
Meh. It was just on my mind, that's all. Sometimes the shower is better than therapy any day, heh.
No worries, for those who have asked, though. I'm okay today. And will be closer to fine by 7pm tonight - when I'm done with work for the week.
I was in the shower and going through my usual mind-process (see here for the details, and I got to thinking about friendship. I was ruminating over my last post, how awful I truly sounded, and thinking to myself that I just sounded like a whiny little bitch. Then my thoughts turned to my ex-best friend April, whom I've occasionally talked about before, but never in great detail.
April was my childhood best friend - we met in nursery school when we were 3 years old, and the friendship lasted until we were both 20. What broke that up? As usual, a man - go figure (and that man, Stephen, wasn't even worth it - he was an abusive son-of-a-bitch but that's another story for another time). That was really the final break, though - April had done a lot to hurt me before that. She was instrumental in the torment that I went through in middle school, with all of the bullying and the physical abuse (again, another story for another time, but I'll just say it happened and move on). To me, our friendship ended then, not later.
I used to ask my mother and brother (and later my brother's bitch of an ex-girlfriend that lived with us) to tell April that I wasn't home when she called. "I'm not home, tell her I'm not here!" My mother would say, "No, you tell her that, you're being cruel, you should talk to the girl, what did she ever do to you?" Thing is... I never told her what she did to me, because by that time my mother had proven that I couldn't tell her anything without my either not being believed, or that she didn't have time to hear it - that was a favorite excuse of hers, she never had time to hear it.
Plenty of time for my brother, though.
Anyway, I'm not sure what the point of this originally was - maybe I'm asking for feedback, were my actions cruel? What would you do if it was proven that a "friend" deliberately hurt you? On top of all the other hurt you were getting as well?
Meh. It was just on my mind, that's all. Sometimes the shower is better than therapy any day, heh.
No worries, for those who have asked, though. I'm okay today. And will be closer to fine by 7pm tonight - when I'm done with work for the week.
04 March 2009
Lots on my mind, with nowhere to put it.
As usual, I had a bunch of stuff to write about today, but I have no energy to actually do so. Perhaps if I just ramble a bit, it might come to me...
Ah, yes. I do remember thinking today while at work that not all is rosy in the land of D.C. drug testing. Apparently I'm not the only one that's been expressing dislike of my coworkers as of late - just this week, I've heard back-biting and sniping from at least three other people, two of which apparently have a snit with each other. The only difference between them and me, however, is that I keep my sniping to myself (and share it with you all when I get home, hah).
I swear to God, working down there is like working in a daycare center - full of 40 year olds. Fucking sad, I'm telling you.
I'm losing a hellish amount of weight, though. I've lost at least 35 pounds since September, and heading full steam for more. I've not been so light on my feet for quite a while now - it feels really strange sometimes. In some ways I'm really afraid, though.. because I guess I've used my excess weight for a long time as an excuse to keep people away from me, to deflect attention from me. I've never wanted attention, never have craved it, because it's never been a positive thing for me - whether I was "skinny" or not. I wasn't always like this - I have a photograph of me when I was 8 years old, just before the molestation started... and I was not overweight. I was actually quite thin, really. It was only after I was molested... that my troubles began for me. That's how I remember it, anyway.
I was on the phone with my mother this evening, and she said something, I can't remember what, but it was in the vein of reminiscence... and all of a sudden I just started to cry. I don't really know what she said to make it happen, except that it actually sounded like an apology for treating me like she did, and for focusing almost solely on my brother all of these years. But I did. I cried like a baby on that train coming home tonight. I just didn't let her hear it, that's all. Because I know deep down inside that things won't change. She'll still think that my brother is the be-all and end-all of the world.
For once, though.. it was nice to hear that I do matter. Even a little bit.
Heh, for someone that didn't quite know what to talk about tonight, I'm saying plenty, aren't I?
It's all a part of my healing. I'm trying, really hard. Whether it's doing me any good, I don't know... I don't feel any differently. But maybe the people who know me well can see it. I hope they'd tell me if they do.
Just a quick update - it looks like I can transfer 19 credits from my old college to UMUC. That's a lot better than I thought, and I don't have to suffer through English 101 again - thank Christ for that. But I'm still stuck with the fucking math course. Bleargh. More later about that as it develops, heh.
Oh, well. Thursday at the drug unit tomorrow, let the idiocy begin. I hope I can get through it all.
Thanks for listening, if you've gotten this far.
Ah, yes. I do remember thinking today while at work that not all is rosy in the land of D.C. drug testing. Apparently I'm not the only one that's been expressing dislike of my coworkers as of late - just this week, I've heard back-biting and sniping from at least three other people, two of which apparently have a snit with each other. The only difference between them and me, however, is that I keep my sniping to myself (and share it with you all when I get home, hah).
I swear to God, working down there is like working in a daycare center - full of 40 year olds. Fucking sad, I'm telling you.
I'm losing a hellish amount of weight, though. I've lost at least 35 pounds since September, and heading full steam for more. I've not been so light on my feet for quite a while now - it feels really strange sometimes. In some ways I'm really afraid, though.. because I guess I've used my excess weight for a long time as an excuse to keep people away from me, to deflect attention from me. I've never wanted attention, never have craved it, because it's never been a positive thing for me - whether I was "skinny" or not. I wasn't always like this - I have a photograph of me when I was 8 years old, just before the molestation started... and I was not overweight. I was actually quite thin, really. It was only after I was molested... that my troubles began for me. That's how I remember it, anyway.
I was on the phone with my mother this evening, and she said something, I can't remember what, but it was in the vein of reminiscence... and all of a sudden I just started to cry. I don't really know what she said to make it happen, except that it actually sounded like an apology for treating me like she did, and for focusing almost solely on my brother all of these years. But I did. I cried like a baby on that train coming home tonight. I just didn't let her hear it, that's all. Because I know deep down inside that things won't change. She'll still think that my brother is the be-all and end-all of the world.
For once, though.. it was nice to hear that I do matter. Even a little bit.
Heh, for someone that didn't quite know what to talk about tonight, I'm saying plenty, aren't I?
It's all a part of my healing. I'm trying, really hard. Whether it's doing me any good, I don't know... I don't feel any differently. But maybe the people who know me well can see it. I hope they'd tell me if they do.
Just a quick update - it looks like I can transfer 19 credits from my old college to UMUC. That's a lot better than I thought, and I don't have to suffer through English 101 again - thank Christ for that. But I'm still stuck with the fucking math course. Bleargh. More later about that as it develops, heh.
Oh, well. Thursday at the drug unit tomorrow, let the idiocy begin. I hope I can get through it all.
Thanks for listening, if you've gotten this far.
16 February 2009
Welcome to the new....mordacious.org.
I hope everyone likes the new look. I know I do - it's much improved, sort of 'polished', sleeker if you will. There are a few things that are still missing, such as links to frequently-read sites, my friends' blogs, etc., so while it looks a bit sparse for now, they will be returning shortly.
Since this has really become my 'platform' of sorts... a way to express myself, I guess you could say... I suspect that I'll be a lot more vocal about the things that I care about and believe in, as well. Some of you might be scratching your head in confusion now, I'm sure. "Isn't that what a blog is for? What was your blog before if it wasn't that?" And truthfully, that's a hard thing to answer. When I first began using this blog back in early 2008 (even before the 'meltdown' that caused me to delete the first few posts), it wasn't read by anyone but me, and in truth I began utilizing it solely to complain about my problems and my depression symptoms when no one would listen (or when I felt that no one was listening!). Over time, though.. it became my way to express myself, whether the feelings were good or bad. And as I've fought my way toward mental health, somehow it's turned into what it is today. What it is to you, the loyal reader, only you can say. It's still the same for me as it ever was. Perhaps this is just a sign that I'm finally beginning to recover from the utter hell that is depression.
Perhaps I never felt that anyone really wanted to know, or cared about, what I had to say. I'm starting to find that this isn't necessarily so. That's definitely a sign of improved mental health.
This blog might not be the most entertaining you've ever read... or the 'coolest' out there, or the most intelligent you'll ever run across. But you know, that's all right, because none of those things are what I'm trying to be. As one of my coworkers often says, "It is what it is." Seems to be the catchphrase of the year, heh, but in this case, it's nothing but truth.
In any case... welcome to the 'new' mordacious.org. Your approval would be nice... but in the end, it's not needed. :D
P.S. Most of the graphics that are here are totally original, but for the skyline of Baltimore, and I'd give credit if I knew where the hell I got it from.. but honestly, I don't remember. If it's yours, tell me, I'll credit you. But the rest is original. I did search high and low for good backgrounds before I went ahead and made my own. And I'll tell you what... if you're ever looking for any kind of graphics to use on a website, avoid ANYTHING that says "myspace" in the search result. You'll get nothing but glittering crap, pink hearts and doves and shit, and constant misspellings of words that even a 3 year old should know (i.e., "U R MY BFF 4EVR!!!!"). Retch. Take my word for it on this.
Since this has really become my 'platform' of sorts... a way to express myself, I guess you could say... I suspect that I'll be a lot more vocal about the things that I care about and believe in, as well. Some of you might be scratching your head in confusion now, I'm sure. "Isn't that what a blog is for? What was your blog before if it wasn't that?" And truthfully, that's a hard thing to answer. When I first began using this blog back in early 2008 (even before the 'meltdown' that caused me to delete the first few posts), it wasn't read by anyone but me, and in truth I began utilizing it solely to complain about my problems and my depression symptoms when no one would listen (or when I felt that no one was listening!). Over time, though.. it became my way to express myself, whether the feelings were good or bad. And as I've fought my way toward mental health, somehow it's turned into what it is today. What it is to you, the loyal reader, only you can say. It's still the same for me as it ever was. Perhaps this is just a sign that I'm finally beginning to recover from the utter hell that is depression.
Perhaps I never felt that anyone really wanted to know, or cared about, what I had to say. I'm starting to find that this isn't necessarily so. That's definitely a sign of improved mental health.
This blog might not be the most entertaining you've ever read... or the 'coolest' out there, or the most intelligent you'll ever run across. But you know, that's all right, because none of those things are what I'm trying to be. As one of my coworkers often says, "It is what it is." Seems to be the catchphrase of the year, heh, but in this case, it's nothing but truth.
In any case... welcome to the 'new' mordacious.org. Your approval would be nice... but in the end, it's not needed. :D
P.S. Most of the graphics that are here are totally original, but for the skyline of Baltimore, and I'd give credit if I knew where the hell I got it from.. but honestly, I don't remember. If it's yours, tell me, I'll credit you. But the rest is original. I did search high and low for good backgrounds before I went ahead and made my own. And I'll tell you what... if you're ever looking for any kind of graphics to use on a website, avoid ANYTHING that says "myspace" in the search result. You'll get nothing but glittering crap, pink hearts and doves and shit, and constant misspellings of words that even a 3 year old should know (i.e., "U R MY BFF 4EVR!!!!"). Retch. Take my word for it on this.
05 February 2009
Whew, what a week.
I <3 alliteration!
With that said, it's been crazy around here recently - both literally and figuratively. I ran out of one of my medicines over the weekend (luckily, not the Paxil - if I'd tried to go without that one I'd have been a basket case in the space of a few hours) and I was very, very nervous about how things were going to go - so I threw all of my concentration on getting through the week with only three buspirone pills, heh. How'd I do?
Well... easily Monday was the worst day of the lot, and naturally it was a day that I decided to try and go without one - bad mistake, meh. The rest of the week hasn't been horrible, though I'll be very glad when I'm back on track. I see the doctor tomorrow, both psych and therapist, and I'm hoping that they'll be able to take this in hand and start to help me. It was a difficult decision to go back to Sheppard Pratt - especially after being locked up there last year - but they do know what they're doing, and I already have a case history there, so... why not, right? It makes sense.
I'm ready, very ready, to get better - to make my mental health the best that it can be now, after all I've been through. I'm nearly 37 years old. I'm tired. I want to live my life the way I want to, with no regrets and no anxiety over decisions that I make - is it right or not, am I doing the right thing or not, etc. I want stability, happiness, peace.
And I'll do whatever I must to achieve that goal. I'm ready for it.
On an unrelated note, enjoy this flashback from 1982. Gah, I can't believe I was only 10 when this came out. -_- This track is from one of my favorite albums, "Original Musiquarium I". Sing it, Steeeeveh. :D Chocolate chippin' kisses full of love, indeed.
With that said, it's been crazy around here recently - both literally and figuratively. I ran out of one of my medicines over the weekend (luckily, not the Paxil - if I'd tried to go without that one I'd have been a basket case in the space of a few hours) and I was very, very nervous about how things were going to go - so I threw all of my concentration on getting through the week with only three buspirone pills, heh. How'd I do?
Well... easily Monday was the worst day of the lot, and naturally it was a day that I decided to try and go without one - bad mistake, meh. The rest of the week hasn't been horrible, though I'll be very glad when I'm back on track. I see the doctor tomorrow, both psych and therapist, and I'm hoping that they'll be able to take this in hand and start to help me. It was a difficult decision to go back to Sheppard Pratt - especially after being locked up there last year - but they do know what they're doing, and I already have a case history there, so... why not, right? It makes sense.
I'm ready, very ready, to get better - to make my mental health the best that it can be now, after all I've been through. I'm nearly 37 years old. I'm tired. I want to live my life the way I want to, with no regrets and no anxiety over decisions that I make - is it right or not, am I doing the right thing or not, etc. I want stability, happiness, peace.
And I'll do whatever I must to achieve that goal. I'm ready for it.
On an unrelated note, enjoy this flashback from 1982. Gah, I can't believe I was only 10 when this came out. -_- This track is from one of my favorite albums, "Original Musiquarium I". Sing it, Steeeeveh. :D Chocolate chippin' kisses full of love, indeed.
24 January 2009
The too-much-on-my-mind syndrome.
I have to work today on what is one of my 4 Saturdays of the year (though it's ended up a lot more than that - so much for promises), and I can't sleep due to... that's right... the "too much on my mind" syndrome. Every time I turn over in bed, I keep getting thoughts - tonight it's been everything but the kitchen sink. My future, what I want to do, the possibility of school, the possibility of paying off bills, buying a house, thinking about my prospects, thinking about my past, thinking thinking thinking. I don't know why this always happens on a Saturday morning when I have to work and need all the sleep I can get, but... meh.
Hopefully writing in here will take some of those thoughts out and allow me to at least get some rest.
I was lying in bed and thinking about the few positive things that I got out of my life in Valdosta - and trust me, there wasn't much - but there were some things. For example... I learned how to swim. At 31 years of age, I finally learned how to move my legs and arms in just the right way so that I was swimming and not just thrashing on the side of a pool.
I remember the day, too. It was a really hot summer day in Valdosta, as they tend to be, and I was just kind of cooling off in Matt's parents' pool... and suddenly while I was moving around, I just... got it. It clicked. After all of those years, it was like a light bulb coming on. And for the rest of the afternoon, I just swam, swam, swam, I was a water sprite. I was DOING it! I felt really proud of myself, that I'd taught myself a new skill.
Unfortunately, I haven't really gotten to swim since. I doubt that I'd be able to really save myself in a rough ocean - my skills aren't honed by any means - but I can get into a pool without making a fool of myself, and for that I'm proud.
While I was remembering that memory, I also remembered the storms in Valdosta. I have some bad memories of that, especially the one time where the roof caved in while I was sleeping (remind me to write about that one day when I feel less fragile, if you will) - but some of the storms were nothing short of beautiful. The gray skies, the smell of rain approaching, the warm wind just gusting... no storm in Maryland can quite compare. If I'd lived in a better place, if I were more secure... I would have loved the rain on my roof and watching it pour. But... well, that's another story for another day.
Another memory that comes to me is when I finally got behind the wheel of a car - or in this case, truck - for the first time. Being with Matt held a lot of negativity, believe me - but he was good for me in some respects, and one of them is that he thoroughly believed that I was able to learn new things. Driving was one of them, and he was a good teacher. He got me further with being able to drive than anyone else has to date. I remember driving down country roads in Valdosta at all hours - day, night, 4pm or 4am. I was never scared, driving at night - in Valdosta, there's not much in the way of traffic at that hour. At one point, I took the test down there, but I failed due to the parallel parking business. It's still the ONE thing that I don't know. I'm bound to fix that very, very soon.
Ah, I don't know. This is all a pointless ramble, no doubt, but it's better to get it out of my head so that it won't be churning in there. It's rare that I ever get a chance to write something down right away that I want to talk about, too, so... here it is in the rough. Now you know my thought processes!
Anyway. It's 1am now, and I have to be up at 4:30am. Doesn't seem much point in trying to sleep, but I have to attempt - at least I might be able to half-function. With no sleep at all, gah, who knows.
Hopefully writing in here will take some of those thoughts out and allow me to at least get some rest.
I was lying in bed and thinking about the few positive things that I got out of my life in Valdosta - and trust me, there wasn't much - but there were some things. For example... I learned how to swim. At 31 years of age, I finally learned how to move my legs and arms in just the right way so that I was swimming and not just thrashing on the side of a pool.
I remember the day, too. It was a really hot summer day in Valdosta, as they tend to be, and I was just kind of cooling off in Matt's parents' pool... and suddenly while I was moving around, I just... got it. It clicked. After all of those years, it was like a light bulb coming on. And for the rest of the afternoon, I just swam, swam, swam, I was a water sprite. I was DOING it! I felt really proud of myself, that I'd taught myself a new skill.
Unfortunately, I haven't really gotten to swim since. I doubt that I'd be able to really save myself in a rough ocean - my skills aren't honed by any means - but I can get into a pool without making a fool of myself, and for that I'm proud.
While I was remembering that memory, I also remembered the storms in Valdosta. I have some bad memories of that, especially the one time where the roof caved in while I was sleeping (remind me to write about that one day when I feel less fragile, if you will) - but some of the storms were nothing short of beautiful. The gray skies, the smell of rain approaching, the warm wind just gusting... no storm in Maryland can quite compare. If I'd lived in a better place, if I were more secure... I would have loved the rain on my roof and watching it pour. But... well, that's another story for another day.
Another memory that comes to me is when I finally got behind the wheel of a car - or in this case, truck - for the first time. Being with Matt held a lot of negativity, believe me - but he was good for me in some respects, and one of them is that he thoroughly believed that I was able to learn new things. Driving was one of them, and he was a good teacher. He got me further with being able to drive than anyone else has to date. I remember driving down country roads in Valdosta at all hours - day, night, 4pm or 4am. I was never scared, driving at night - in Valdosta, there's not much in the way of traffic at that hour. At one point, I took the test down there, but I failed due to the parallel parking business. It's still the ONE thing that I don't know. I'm bound to fix that very, very soon.
Ah, I don't know. This is all a pointless ramble, no doubt, but it's better to get it out of my head so that it won't be churning in there. It's rare that I ever get a chance to write something down right away that I want to talk about, too, so... here it is in the rough. Now you know my thought processes!
Anyway. It's 1am now, and I have to be up at 4:30am. Doesn't seem much point in trying to sleep, but I have to attempt - at least I might be able to half-function. With no sleep at all, gah, who knows.
18 January 2009
It's another "Senseless Sunday meme"! :p
Actually, I've seen this type of thing floating about Facebook and various blogs as of late, so why not be mainstream for once and get in on the act! Most people have 15, 25, 50 questions. I'm only going to do ten, simply because I'm wordy and verbose, and I don't want to bore you to death, heh.
This silly, pointless questionnaire is brought to you by General Electric. :p
10 Facts You Might Not Have Known About Me (And Quite Honestly May Not Want To)
1.) My heritage is mainly Irish on my paternal side, British and German on my maternal side. I used to be into finding out who I was and all of that, but I've tired of it since - but before I did, I managed to trace some of it back so that there's interesting tidbits about myself. My father's ancestors came from Northwest Ireland - specifically Sligo County (my maiden surname is very uncommon and it's traceable) - the black marshes. Mysteeeerious! My maternal ancestors were traced back to the early 16th century to the Devon area of the U.K., but before that the trail goes cold. Still, it's interesting stuff.
2.) Connected to #1 above, I've discovered that I'm very distantly related on my father's side - by a million intermarriages - to Thomas Jefferson, third President of the U.S. It's not a direct line, I can't and won't claim it, but it's still quite a tree.
3.) I cannot abide any material or clothing that circles my neck, throat or wrists - I have a very specific aversion to it. For some reason, I feel like I'm being choked and I have to rip it off or go crazy. That goes for jewelry, too. Unless a necklace or pendant hangs six inches below my neck, I can't wear it. Wristwatches? Forget that, heh.
4.) I have a very clear and sharp liking for bitter or sour-tasting foods. Sauerkraut is absolutely delicious. Pickles? You bet! I like almost anything pickled - even foods that I normally can't stand like cabbage and beets are instantly better when pickled. And red-beet eggs? Now you're talking about heaven in a jar.
5.) I hated the taste of coffee until I was 30 years old - no lie. When I lived in Atlanta in the late 90s, I used to visit a store called QuikTrip with my then-husband, who would buy their coffee in these huge-assed mugs. He convinced me to give it a try, and I instantly fell in love with it - possibly because it tasted like Southern Butter Pecan - which is probably the most delicious creamer ever. But before that? I wouldn't touch the stuff.
6.) My first cat was a declawed Manx female that went by the the unusual name of Fur Person. She absolutely hated me and I her, heh. Every time I'd walk by her she'd try to bite me, mainly because of the fact that she was declawed and it did something to her tiny little head, heh. It's one of the many reasons that I do not advocate declawing cats. Fur Person was a "rumpy riser" - basically had a tiny little stub on her behind and that was about all. I'm sure it didn't help that I kept trying to grab it when I was a baby, heh. -_-
7.) I used to be a habitual chewer. I'd chew anything I could get my hands on - my own fingernails, paper bits, pencils. I was terrible when it came to paper - I actually used to chew and swallow it as well. It never did anything to me, so I guess that it's not that harmful, but...the pencils are worrisome. All that lead. But then there's mercury in my teeth, too, so if I'm going to die...
8.) I used to have a pretty good collection of Hustler Magazine going when I was in my late teens - I'd say from about 18 to 23 or so. I'm not really sure of why it was Hustler in particular - it wasn't about the pictorials or the articles, because the pictorials weren't all that (I'm bisexual but I don't necessarily like the explicitness of the layouts, and I don't need an obstetricians' perspective of the female anatomy, thanks)... and the articles border(ed) on just plain frightening. I think it was because Hustler epitomized the hedonistic 70s, which I've always had an interest in. I lived during that time but I was very young and didn't really have a chance to partake in said hedonism, heh. It fascinates me.
9.) I wrote an entire book between the ages of 16 and 20, though it wasn't very good. It was about a talking cat that toured the country Jack Kerouac style, like in "On The Road". I never showed it to anyone, and it was destroyed by an ex-boyfriend during an argument before I could "polish it up", so to speak. To this day, I cannot remember much more of the details to re-write it - which is a shame, because I would do just that.
10.) I admit it. French fries with mayonnaise are good, just like the Dutch say. Fuck 'Pulp Fiction'. It's the truth. :D
This silly, pointless questionnaire is brought to you by General Electric. :p
10 Facts You Might Not Have Known About Me (And Quite Honestly May Not Want To)
1.) My heritage is mainly Irish on my paternal side, British and German on my maternal side. I used to be into finding out who I was and all of that, but I've tired of it since - but before I did, I managed to trace some of it back so that there's interesting tidbits about myself. My father's ancestors came from Northwest Ireland - specifically Sligo County (my maiden surname is very uncommon and it's traceable) - the black marshes. Mysteeeerious! My maternal ancestors were traced back to the early 16th century to the Devon area of the U.K., but before that the trail goes cold. Still, it's interesting stuff.
2.) Connected to #1 above, I've discovered that I'm very distantly related on my father's side - by a million intermarriages - to Thomas Jefferson, third President of the U.S. It's not a direct line, I can't and won't claim it, but it's still quite a tree.
3.) I cannot abide any material or clothing that circles my neck, throat or wrists - I have a very specific aversion to it. For some reason, I feel like I'm being choked and I have to rip it off or go crazy. That goes for jewelry, too. Unless a necklace or pendant hangs six inches below my neck, I can't wear it. Wristwatches? Forget that, heh.
4.) I have a very clear and sharp liking for bitter or sour-tasting foods. Sauerkraut is absolutely delicious. Pickles? You bet! I like almost anything pickled - even foods that I normally can't stand like cabbage and beets are instantly better when pickled. And red-beet eggs? Now you're talking about heaven in a jar.
5.) I hated the taste of coffee until I was 30 years old - no lie. When I lived in Atlanta in the late 90s, I used to visit a store called QuikTrip with my then-husband, who would buy their coffee in these huge-assed mugs. He convinced me to give it a try, and I instantly fell in love with it - possibly because it tasted like Southern Butter Pecan - which is probably the most delicious creamer ever. But before that? I wouldn't touch the stuff.
6.) My first cat was a declawed Manx female that went by the the unusual name of Fur Person. She absolutely hated me and I her, heh. Every time I'd walk by her she'd try to bite me, mainly because of the fact that she was declawed and it did something to her tiny little head, heh. It's one of the many reasons that I do not advocate declawing cats. Fur Person was a "rumpy riser" - basically had a tiny little stub on her behind and that was about all. I'm sure it didn't help that I kept trying to grab it when I was a baby, heh. -_-
7.) I used to be a habitual chewer. I'd chew anything I could get my hands on - my own fingernails, paper bits, pencils. I was terrible when it came to paper - I actually used to chew and swallow it as well. It never did anything to me, so I guess that it's not that harmful, but...the pencils are worrisome. All that lead. But then there's mercury in my teeth, too, so if I'm going to die...
8.) I used to have a pretty good collection of Hustler Magazine going when I was in my late teens - I'd say from about 18 to 23 or so. I'm not really sure of why it was Hustler in particular - it wasn't about the pictorials or the articles, because the pictorials weren't all that (I'm bisexual but I don't necessarily like the explicitness of the layouts, and I don't need an obstetricians' perspective of the female anatomy, thanks)... and the articles border(ed) on just plain frightening. I think it was because Hustler epitomized the hedonistic 70s, which I've always had an interest in. I lived during that time but I was very young and didn't really have a chance to partake in said hedonism, heh. It fascinates me.
9.) I wrote an entire book between the ages of 16 and 20, though it wasn't very good. It was about a talking cat that toured the country Jack Kerouac style, like in "On The Road". I never showed it to anyone, and it was destroyed by an ex-boyfriend during an argument before I could "polish it up", so to speak. To this day, I cannot remember much more of the details to re-write it - which is a shame, because I would do just that.
10.) I admit it. French fries with mayonnaise are good, just like the Dutch say. Fuck 'Pulp Fiction'. It's the truth. :D
20 December 2008
w00t. Post #100, with a bit of a musical slant.
First of all, kudos to the RIAA for finally waking up after nearly 10 years of idiocy. Let's see if their plans to control America's Internet providers actually come to fruition - as if. Get a new business model, morons.
With that said, I've been spending a lot of time on last.fm and associated sites in the last week, overdosing on my music now that I've managed to fix my system. I never realized how much I missed it! In any case, during my travels, I've found yet another of those silly music surveys - only to me, they're not silly. :p
You must have last.fm for this to work for you. If you don't have it, get it. It's worthy - and as we all know, what I recommend is always worthy. Right? :p
Survey About My Top 15 Last.fm Artists
"Post your top fifteen bands/artists, the first song you heard of theirs, the song that made you fall in love, and your current favorite."
1.) Led Zeppelin
a.) That is very hard to say because I was very, very young when I first heard them, no more than two or three. Honestly, I think it may have been 'Black Dog' but that is seriously no more than a guess.
b.) "The Battle of Evermore" off of IV/Zoso.
c.) I love them all, but "Trampled Under Foot" has gotten a lot of play recently.
2.) Opeth
a.) I first heard of them when I listened to "By The Pain I See In Others", but I'd forgotten about them for a few years until I was reintroduced to them.
b.) "Hours of Wealth" off of Ghost Reveries. The most beautiful song ever.
c.) My current favorite is anything off of Damnation. I love "In My Time of Need" a lot.
3.) Porcupine Tree
a.) I first heard of Porcupine Tree when a very close friend introduced me to them. I think I was started off with "The Start of Something Beautiful".
b.) "A Smart Kid" off of Stupid Dream.
c.) Anything off of Stupid Dream, that's probably my favorite album by them.
4.) Pink Floyd
a.) My first discovery of Pink Floyd was "The Wall", of course. The first song was actually "Young Lust", I thought it was strictly a song about fucking. Which it is, but not quite in the context that I'd believed.
b.) I love all of "The Wall", but recently I've been listening to "Learning to Fly" a lot... I sort of relate to it right now in my life.
c.) I'm trying to revisit "The Wall" again right now. I've not been able to listen to it for a year or more, because it exacerbates my depression... but I've been able to take it in small doses. "Goodbye Blue Sky" is my favorite.. while it's really dark in a lot of ways, the melody is beautiful. And "Wish You Were Here" is always high on my list...
5.) Portishead
a.) I suppose that I've always known about P'head, but subconsciously. One of those things that's so relaxing, you tend to miss it. I didn't really start digging them until a couple of years ago, though.. the first track I heard of theirs was "Sour Times".
b.) "Glory Box" off of Dummy.
c.) "Glory Box" is still my favorite track, always has been, always will be. No one else can cover it better, except maybe for Tina Harrod.
6.) Queens of the Stone Age
a.) I found out about them a few years ago when a friend introduced me to their work, though I'd heard bits here and there on the fringe of consciousness, heh. "No One Knows" was the first exposure I'd had to them.
b.) "Skin on Skin" off of Lullabies to Paralyze. THE perfect song celebrating oral sex. :D
c.) I've not listened to much of their stuff lately - guess I'm not in a mood for stoner rock right now... but the above track stands out sooo much for me. :D :D :D
7.) Depeche Mode
a.) Being an 80s child, I've always known about DM, from the date of inception to now. What was weird is that I absolutely hated them when they were "popular". It took me ten years to find out how good they really were. "People Are People" was the first song I'd heard by them and I think that's what turned me off at first because it's so damned bouncy, unlike most of their later offerings.
b.) "Strangelove" off of Music For The Masses.
c.) This is a very hard one to pick out for a current favorite because my favorite of theirs will depend strictly on my mood. DM is a band that I often listen to when I'm very depressed. "Somebody" is probably the track that I'll identify with the most.
8.) Madonna
a.) Heh... I knew about her the second she was unleashed on the public - that's how big of a debut she had. The first song I heard, like everyone else, was "Holiday", and just like everyone else, I remember that I liked it.
b.) I've always liked her, but I think I started gaining respect for her around the time of "Ray Of Light", off the same-titled album. It was a sign that she was extremely versatile and could literally shed her previous musical skin and reinvent. No matter what one might think of Madonna's musical talents, no one can deny that she has the amazing ability to be just about whatever she wants.
c.) I'm digging "Hung Up". I know, I know, it's a direct rip of an Abba track. But as usual, she's made it hot again. I'm ashamed. -_-
9.) The Beatles
a.) I probably heard the Beatles the second I was born, heh. The first track I remember hearing was "Come Together" off of Abbey Road, though, as AR was my family's favorite.
b.) I was hooked once I heard "Maxwell's Silver Hammer". Literally. Tink-tink!
c.) Hmm, these days I'm not much into their stuff anymore... though "Blackbird" is always sweet and gentle on the ears. I like "Paperback Writer", too.
10.) Duran Duran
a.) This was the band to be "into" in the early 80s, heh. The first thing I heard of theirs was probably their breakout hit, "Hungry Like The Wolf", which I liked back then, not so wild about it now.
b.) I fell in love with them when I heard "Save A Prayer" off of Rio.
c.) Oddly, I'm starting to respect their later offerings much more than I did. "Notorious" is actually quite good!
11.) The Dixie Chicks
a.) First heard of them when I was living in Georgia, of course, since that's all you hear down South is country, most of it bad. But the Dixie Chicks aren't bad for "chick music", heh. Their first song that I'd heard was probably "There's Your Trouble" because it was in some horrid chick movie I got dragged to.
b.) I got hooked when I heard "White Trash Wedding" - it made me laugh so much that I instantly felt my respect-o-meter go up. And when they said they were ashamed to be from the same state as George W. Bush, it shot through the roof. Bless their hearts.
c.) My current favorite is "Truth Number Two". Very twangy and good, a foot tapper.
12.) Amorphis
a.) One of my IRC friends (that I've since lost touch with, unfortunately) introduced me to a song of theirs called "My Kantele", there's two versions of it. I liked the slow one better.
b.) I was hooked on a track called "Black Winter Day", off of Tales of the Thousand Lakes. It's very death-vocals but at the same time the music's not quite as ... dark.
c.) I still like the track above but I'm moving into other selections of theirs now. I particularly like "Silent Waters".
13.) The Commodores
a.) I remember them when I was a child, the monster hit "Brick House" attracted everyone's attention. I was no different, heh.
b.) That's the track that hooked me - "Brick House"! Forget their ballads and the crap of their later years. The funk is where it's at.
c.) I've moved into other funk hits of theirs recently to get some more perspective. "Fancy Dancer" and "Too Hot Ta Trot" are on the favorites list at the present.
14.) The Psychedelic Furs
a.) "Pretty In Pink" was the first exposure that I'd had to the Furs... and the usual reaction happened - everyone loved the movie, so I hated it. But I liked the song. Still do.
b.) "Love My Way" is the one that made me decide they were worth checking out further. I still love it.
c.) "The Ghost In You" is also pretty good, but I still prefer "Love My Way" over the rest of their work.
15.) A Flock of Seagulls
a.) They came out when I was a child, so naturally the first track I noticed was their first hit, "I Ran".
b.) That's what hooked me, the first hit, but they never really did put anything else out that meant anything other than "Wishing".
c.) My current favorite is "D.N.A.", totally instrumental and well, well done for electronica.
Just a side note: this was probably one of the most difficult music-related surveys I've ever done. And it's temporary, as my favorites will change almost constantly... ack!
I was going to link albums to this post, but goddamn if I'm not too tired now, lol.
With that said, I've been spending a lot of time on last.fm and associated sites in the last week, overdosing on my music now that I've managed to fix my system. I never realized how much I missed it! In any case, during my travels, I've found yet another of those silly music surveys - only to me, they're not silly. :p
You must have last.fm for this to work for you. If you don't have it, get it. It's worthy - and as we all know, what I recommend is always worthy. Right? :p
Survey About My Top 15 Last.fm Artists
"Post your top fifteen bands/artists, the first song you heard of theirs, the song that made you fall in love, and your current favorite."
1.) Led Zeppelin
a.) That is very hard to say because I was very, very young when I first heard them, no more than two or three. Honestly, I think it may have been 'Black Dog' but that is seriously no more than a guess.
b.) "The Battle of Evermore" off of IV/Zoso.
c.) I love them all, but "Trampled Under Foot" has gotten a lot of play recently.
2.) Opeth
a.) I first heard of them when I listened to "By The Pain I See In Others", but I'd forgotten about them for a few years until I was reintroduced to them.
b.) "Hours of Wealth" off of Ghost Reveries. The most beautiful song ever.
c.) My current favorite is anything off of Damnation. I love "In My Time of Need" a lot.
3.) Porcupine Tree
a.) I first heard of Porcupine Tree when a very close friend introduced me to them. I think I was started off with "The Start of Something Beautiful".
b.) "A Smart Kid" off of Stupid Dream.
c.) Anything off of Stupid Dream, that's probably my favorite album by them.
4.) Pink Floyd
a.) My first discovery of Pink Floyd was "The Wall", of course. The first song was actually "Young Lust", I thought it was strictly a song about fucking. Which it is, but not quite in the context that I'd believed.
b.) I love all of "The Wall", but recently I've been listening to "Learning to Fly" a lot... I sort of relate to it right now in my life.
c.) I'm trying to revisit "The Wall" again right now. I've not been able to listen to it for a year or more, because it exacerbates my depression... but I've been able to take it in small doses. "Goodbye Blue Sky" is my favorite.. while it's really dark in a lot of ways, the melody is beautiful. And "Wish You Were Here" is always high on my list...
5.) Portishead
a.) I suppose that I've always known about P'head, but subconsciously. One of those things that's so relaxing, you tend to miss it. I didn't really start digging them until a couple of years ago, though.. the first track I heard of theirs was "Sour Times".
b.) "Glory Box" off of Dummy.
c.) "Glory Box" is still my favorite track, always has been, always will be. No one else can cover it better, except maybe for Tina Harrod.
6.) Queens of the Stone Age
a.) I found out about them a few years ago when a friend introduced me to their work, though I'd heard bits here and there on the fringe of consciousness, heh. "No One Knows" was the first exposure I'd had to them.
b.) "Skin on Skin" off of Lullabies to Paralyze. THE perfect song celebrating oral sex. :D
c.) I've not listened to much of their stuff lately - guess I'm not in a mood for stoner rock right now... but the above track stands out sooo much for me. :D :D :D
7.) Depeche Mode
a.) Being an 80s child, I've always known about DM, from the date of inception to now. What was weird is that I absolutely hated them when they were "popular". It took me ten years to find out how good they really were. "People Are People" was the first song I'd heard by them and I think that's what turned me off at first because it's so damned bouncy, unlike most of their later offerings.
b.) "Strangelove" off of Music For The Masses.
c.) This is a very hard one to pick out for a current favorite because my favorite of theirs will depend strictly on my mood. DM is a band that I often listen to when I'm very depressed. "Somebody" is probably the track that I'll identify with the most.
8.) Madonna
a.) Heh... I knew about her the second she was unleashed on the public - that's how big of a debut she had. The first song I heard, like everyone else, was "Holiday", and just like everyone else, I remember that I liked it.
b.) I've always liked her, but I think I started gaining respect for her around the time of "Ray Of Light", off the same-titled album. It was a sign that she was extremely versatile and could literally shed her previous musical skin and reinvent. No matter what one might think of Madonna's musical talents, no one can deny that she has the amazing ability to be just about whatever she wants.
c.) I'm digging "Hung Up". I know, I know, it's a direct rip of an Abba track. But as usual, she's made it hot again. I'm ashamed. -_-
9.) The Beatles
a.) I probably heard the Beatles the second I was born, heh. The first track I remember hearing was "Come Together" off of Abbey Road, though, as AR was my family's favorite.
b.) I was hooked once I heard "Maxwell's Silver Hammer". Literally. Tink-tink!
c.) Hmm, these days I'm not much into their stuff anymore... though "Blackbird" is always sweet and gentle on the ears. I like "Paperback Writer", too.
10.) Duran Duran
a.) This was the band to be "into" in the early 80s, heh. The first thing I heard of theirs was probably their breakout hit, "Hungry Like The Wolf", which I liked back then, not so wild about it now.
b.) I fell in love with them when I heard "Save A Prayer" off of Rio.
c.) Oddly, I'm starting to respect their later offerings much more than I did. "Notorious" is actually quite good!
11.) The Dixie Chicks
a.) First heard of them when I was living in Georgia, of course, since that's all you hear down South is country, most of it bad. But the Dixie Chicks aren't bad for "chick music", heh. Their first song that I'd heard was probably "There's Your Trouble" because it was in some horrid chick movie I got dragged to.
b.) I got hooked when I heard "White Trash Wedding" - it made me laugh so much that I instantly felt my respect-o-meter go up. And when they said they were ashamed to be from the same state as George W. Bush, it shot through the roof. Bless their hearts.
c.) My current favorite is "Truth Number Two". Very twangy and good, a foot tapper.
12.) Amorphis
a.) One of my IRC friends (that I've since lost touch with, unfortunately) introduced me to a song of theirs called "My Kantele", there's two versions of it. I liked the slow one better.
b.) I was hooked on a track called "Black Winter Day", off of Tales of the Thousand Lakes. It's very death-vocals but at the same time the music's not quite as ... dark.
c.) I still like the track above but I'm moving into other selections of theirs now. I particularly like "Silent Waters".
13.) The Commodores
a.) I remember them when I was a child, the monster hit "Brick House" attracted everyone's attention. I was no different, heh.
b.) That's the track that hooked me - "Brick House"! Forget their ballads and the crap of their later years. The funk is where it's at.
c.) I've moved into other funk hits of theirs recently to get some more perspective. "Fancy Dancer" and "Too Hot Ta Trot" are on the favorites list at the present.
14.) The Psychedelic Furs
a.) "Pretty In Pink" was the first exposure that I'd had to the Furs... and the usual reaction happened - everyone loved the movie, so I hated it. But I liked the song. Still do.
b.) "Love My Way" is the one that made me decide they were worth checking out further. I still love it.
c.) "The Ghost In You" is also pretty good, but I still prefer "Love My Way" over the rest of their work.
15.) A Flock of Seagulls
a.) They came out when I was a child, so naturally the first track I noticed was their first hit, "I Ran".
b.) That's what hooked me, the first hit, but they never really did put anything else out that meant anything other than "Wishing".
c.) My current favorite is "D.N.A.", totally instrumental and well, well done for electronica.
Just a side note: this was probably one of the most difficult music-related surveys I've ever done. And it's temporary, as my favorites will change almost constantly... ack!
I was going to link albums to this post, but goddamn if I'm not too tired now, lol.
06 December 2008
More video for you to contemplate.
This is probably my life's theme song. No shit. It describes basically how I feel, every single day, toward people and society and ... well, life in general, heh. Most think it's depressing - some think it's negative. I think it's... me. Heh.
Morbid thought, but I want this played at my funeral/remembrance service. If I have one.
Lyrics here.
Morbid thought, but I want this played at my funeral/remembrance service. If I have one.
Lyrics here.
Happy December. :p
I would have written long before now, but the week of training took up literally all of my time. I slept until 3pm today just to catch up!
I'm sitting here watching the snow fall and pile up on my porch. It's not the first time it's snowed this year here, but... it's the first that's been more than a 'dusting', so to speak. I've been in a contemplative mood today, just thinking about where I am now as opposed to where I was this time last year. I'm certainly a lot healthier (at least mentally, maybe physically as well) now than I was. For some reason, my mind keeps going back in time to the mental hospital... and the things that I saw, heard, felt. I guess it's normal, what I'm feeling right now. But it was frightening... and it's frightening now that I could have ever been in that position. I suppose that's a sign of how strong I've truly gotten over the last year, though.
People keep saying that I should give myself much more credit than I do. For this, I think I'll take it.
There's not really much that's 'new', to be honest. Things are the same here, but I think I'm starting to be okay with that. I've lived enough drama and 'excitement' (if you could call it that) for 10 people - all that I want now is peace and quiet. Heh, maybe that's a sign of getting old, too. But a comfortable routine is what I've never had growing up, so... this feels shockingly good. Now that I'm starting to settle down, I'm finding that I'm discovering interests. A lot of interests. I don't even know where to start first!
One thing that is a little odd is that for some reason, I miss Matt tonight. I don't really think that I miss Matt in particular, but how things used to be when I was 17 and naive. If things had stayed that way, if things had continued to be what they were back then... well. It's really pointless to think about that, I guess, as everything changes over time. But I do think about it. I think of how life might have been if I'd gotten married, settled down in a nice little house in Anne Arundel County somewhere, done the nuclear family with the matching Ravens shirts on, the pickup truck, the country music, all of that. Again, it's really not what I want (or ever wanted, I don't think)... but it's just the idea of that security, that comfortable feeling of "all is right with the world". I guess watching the snow fall is doing that, I don't know. All that I know is that everything, for now, is okay in my world. That's all that matters, I suppose.
So I'm editing this to add: this is the kind of song that I'm actually enjoying on a day like this. It's odd because I absolutely hate summer, heh, go figure. But this is easily one of my favorite tracks of all time. Enjoy. P.S. Mama Cass might have been a heavy chick, but my God, was she gorgeous. I'd have done her.
I'm sitting here watching the snow fall and pile up on my porch. It's not the first time it's snowed this year here, but... it's the first that's been more than a 'dusting', so to speak. I've been in a contemplative mood today, just thinking about where I am now as opposed to where I was this time last year. I'm certainly a lot healthier (at least mentally, maybe physically as well) now than I was. For some reason, my mind keeps going back in time to the mental hospital... and the things that I saw, heard, felt. I guess it's normal, what I'm feeling right now. But it was frightening... and it's frightening now that I could have ever been in that position. I suppose that's a sign of how strong I've truly gotten over the last year, though.
People keep saying that I should give myself much more credit than I do. For this, I think I'll take it.
There's not really much that's 'new', to be honest. Things are the same here, but I think I'm starting to be okay with that. I've lived enough drama and 'excitement' (if you could call it that) for 10 people - all that I want now is peace and quiet. Heh, maybe that's a sign of getting old, too. But a comfortable routine is what I've never had growing up, so... this feels shockingly good. Now that I'm starting to settle down, I'm finding that I'm discovering interests. A lot of interests. I don't even know where to start first!
One thing that is a little odd is that for some reason, I miss Matt tonight. I don't really think that I miss Matt in particular, but how things used to be when I was 17 and naive. If things had stayed that way, if things had continued to be what they were back then... well. It's really pointless to think about that, I guess, as everything changes over time. But I do think about it. I think of how life might have been if I'd gotten married, settled down in a nice little house in Anne Arundel County somewhere, done the nuclear family with the matching Ravens shirts on, the pickup truck, the country music, all of that. Again, it's really not what I want (or ever wanted, I don't think)... but it's just the idea of that security, that comfortable feeling of "all is right with the world". I guess watching the snow fall is doing that, I don't know. All that I know is that everything, for now, is okay in my world. That's all that matters, I suppose.
So I'm editing this to add: this is the kind of song that I'm actually enjoying on a day like this. It's odd because I absolutely hate summer, heh, go figure. But this is easily one of my favorite tracks of all time. Enjoy. P.S. Mama Cass might have been a heavy chick, but my God, was she gorgeous. I'd have done her.
08 November 2008
Obama? Oh-shutup! And other ramblings.
I woke up this morning to the sound of a commercial on the tube advertising - I kid you not - "silver dollars commemorating the election of President Barack Obama". Does anyone actually grasp the fact that the man isn't even president yet? Trust me, I'm the first one to tell you that I want Bush gone forever, banished to the pits of hell that he came from, but this overwhelming love affair with the media and all of this is going to backfire on Obama so badly, I can see it coming. No one seems to get the fact that he's made a fuck of a lot of promises that I seriously wonder if he can even fulfill.
Part of the post that I had prewritten the other night had been about the people at work and their reactions to Obama being elected, which was overwhelmingly... well, I'm sure you can imagine what it was. The day after the election was very hard for me - I'm a white woman working in a black city, more or less involved with policing people involved in drug-related crime. I'll paraphrase some of what I wrote so that you'll understand what I'm talking about...
"I'm already hearing the people at work referring to it as 'The Black House'. For some reason that offends me very deeply. It's not that I object to the term itself, because black people have the absolute right to feel very proud of this accomplishment - it is history-making and in the end, vindication. But those same people are forgetting that a lot of white people - 49% of white people, to be exact - voted for Obama, too. If it weren't for all of us coming together - black, white, old, young, Obama wouldn't be in office to begin with. Don't all of us count? I'm seriously starting to wonder."
Things have 'calmed down' at work since I wrote that - people aren't yelling "OH-BAH-MAH" at the tops of their lungs anymore, no one's saying 'The Black House' anymore - I think it's sunk in that Obama hasn't made drugs legal and therefore they're going to report next Thursday just like always, heh.
Anyway, on to other topics. I'm feeling a little better this morning, which is a good thing, but then I've taken my meds, heh. I've started to make some changes to the blog again as of late - I'm thinking about packing up shop and going over to Wordpress. Not because I don't like Blogger, mind, I do - but the blog itself has turned into something that I think I'd like to have a little more control over. The theme is nice... but it's kind of, I don't know, restrictive. I have HTML skills, as 'limited' as they might be, and I'd like to maybe work on the backgrounds and design for myself. I've taken off the Obama support sign now that the election's over, I've added a couple of other things. I'd like to make this look a little better, that's all. Any ideas from the masses? (Rest assured, this is the one time I'm going to ask for help, so if you have opinions, state 'em now, heh.)
I've noticed that a lot of folks are hitting this blog from far-off places - France, Spain, Germany. Wilkommen, hola, bonjour and all of that. Don't be afraid to say anything here, folks, please do comment if you have comments. I enjoy hearing feedback from people, whether good or not. 'course, if it's bad, I'll be likely to stalk your blog and say something nasty back, heh, but either way, take the risk. I'm not hard to get along with.
(clapping hands over my friends' mouths to keep them from saying anything, heh)
'kay, so I'm going to leave you now with a lovely clip from Soul Train - a classic ST line from 1978. Hard to believe this was thirty years ago!!!! The track is Roy Ayers' "Freaky Deaky" - fucking hot, hot, hot!
Enjoy!
Part of the post that I had prewritten the other night had been about the people at work and their reactions to Obama being elected, which was overwhelmingly... well, I'm sure you can imagine what it was. The day after the election was very hard for me - I'm a white woman working in a black city, more or less involved with policing people involved in drug-related crime. I'll paraphrase some of what I wrote so that you'll understand what I'm talking about...
"I'm already hearing the people at work referring to it as 'The Black House'. For some reason that offends me very deeply. It's not that I object to the term itself, because black people have the absolute right to feel very proud of this accomplishment - it is history-making and in the end, vindication. But those same people are forgetting that a lot of white people - 49% of white people, to be exact - voted for Obama, too. If it weren't for all of us coming together - black, white, old, young, Obama wouldn't be in office to begin with. Don't all of us count? I'm seriously starting to wonder."
Things have 'calmed down' at work since I wrote that - people aren't yelling "OH-BAH-MAH" at the tops of their lungs anymore, no one's saying 'The Black House' anymore - I think it's sunk in that Obama hasn't made drugs legal and therefore they're going to report next Thursday just like always, heh.
Anyway, on to other topics. I'm feeling a little better this morning, which is a good thing, but then I've taken my meds, heh. I've started to make some changes to the blog again as of late - I'm thinking about packing up shop and going over to Wordpress. Not because I don't like Blogger, mind, I do - but the blog itself has turned into something that I think I'd like to have a little more control over. The theme is nice... but it's kind of, I don't know, restrictive. I have HTML skills, as 'limited' as they might be, and I'd like to maybe work on the backgrounds and design for myself. I've taken off the Obama support sign now that the election's over, I've added a couple of other things. I'd like to make this look a little better, that's all. Any ideas from the masses? (Rest assured, this is the one time I'm going to ask for help, so if you have opinions, state 'em now, heh.)
I've noticed that a lot of folks are hitting this blog from far-off places - France, Spain, Germany. Wilkommen, hola, bonjour and all of that. Don't be afraid to say anything here, folks, please do comment if you have comments. I enjoy hearing feedback from people, whether good or not. 'course, if it's bad, I'll be likely to stalk your blog and say something nasty back, heh, but either way, take the risk. I'm not hard to get along with.
(clapping hands over my friends' mouths to keep them from saying anything, heh)
'kay, so I'm going to leave you now with a lovely clip from Soul Train - a classic ST line from 1978. Hard to believe this was thirty years ago!!!! The track is Roy Ayers' "Freaky Deaky" - fucking hot, hot, hot!
Enjoy!
29 October 2008
Flashback - 1978
Ahh, my childhood. Since I'm on a nostalgia kick, I decided to post the opening theme to one of my favorite cop shows (even then!), "Baretta". Gritty and violent for its time, just the way I like it. I've been told the first season is out on DVD - I know what one of my next purchases will be, surely. :D
I don't care if Robert Blake is a murderer or not - he was one damned fine actor in this show.
Enjoy! :D
I don't care if Robert Blake is a murderer or not - he was one damned fine actor in this show.
Enjoy! :D
13 October 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
