Attention, Baltimore thugs: you didn't break me. Sorry.

I have to work this quarter's Saturday shift tomorrow, so I ended up with today off, which was actually a bonus for me. It allowed me to get some things done that I might not have otherwise. A lot of the mess that was in the house before the break-in has been cleared away/fixed, and as a result, my anxiety levels have plummeted.

I've temporarily hung up a colorful tapestry over the damaged wall where the television was, and I actually like the look of it so much that I just may leave it there permanently. I'm reconsidering even replacing the TV at all, to be honest - it was indeed an idiot box, just hanging there, wasting a lot of my valuable time where I could have been doing other things. Like, say, cleaning. Or actually eating breakfast in the morning, fixing my hair to go to work, that sort of thing.

I'm aware that the last sentence in particular sounded really awful, but I can't lie - all of it is true. I'd neglect simple things like taking care of myself (by eating a necessary meal) or trying to make myself look at least a little better (fixing my hair) because I'd sit on my sofa and just stare into nothingness, trying to fool myself into believing that I needed that time just to "wake up". But it's bullshit, you know. I was awake. Just not... "there". Does that make sense?

It's not as if I ever really "watched" the damned thing, anyhow. It was background noise to try and blot out the fact that if I don't make sound in here, it's utterly silent and desolate. Or is it? It's only desolate if I choose it to be so.

The only thing that truly hurt, I think, was the loss of my computer equipment - partially because I'd just purchased it and it was like throwing 800 dollars out the window, but also because what little entertainment I do choose to watch, most of it is on my computer (be it in the form of movies or TV shows on DVD or something similar). Other than that - screw it, what do I care, the thugs can keep all that shit. Really!

I've changed over most of my accounts now, but there seems to be very little fallout from the break-in itself, which is good news. The two computers that they'd taken (yes, they managed to steal both my new one and the broken one, sheesh), I don't think they're going to get very far. The new one had a fingerprint recognition feature on it that makes trying to access it useless, and the broken one's battery was dead and they neglected to take the charger to fire it up. Dumbasses. Still, I canceled my accounts and set up new ones, just to be safe. It's a good thing that the broken one's battery WAS dead, because that one literally had nearly all of my financial information on it. Lesson learned - I'll never do THAT again. It's back to paper and pencil for me when it comes to my finances.

I've actually learned a LOT of lessons from this incident. I've been way too lax with my own security for a good portion of my life - perhaps because I had the false sense of feeling "invincible". After all, this has never happened to me before; why would I ever think about such things? It's been hit home to me that I do, indeed, need to think about it. I'm a single woman living alone in Baltimore City; while the area of town I live in isn't a "slum", it's on the edge of one where there's still a huge amount of drug activity and crime. I should have thought about this a long time ago. But it's not too late to start now, and I've done exactly that.

I had a security system installed this week, and I'm planning on installing security doors for both the front and back of the house. I'm also considering motion detectors for the backyard, the side of the house, and even bars on the back windows (though I really don't want to go that far - I don't want to feel as if I live in a prison - but it may be necessary). I've also changed some personal habits in that I now shut the blinds at all times unless I'm physically in the room, as well as leaving some lights on at night, and turning different ones on and off. And as soon as I can pick up the old desktop computer that my mother offered me, I'm going to begin scanning personal financial documents and shredding all of the old paper copies. The scans will go on a portable hard drive that will probably be locked up in a personal safe (that of course will be bolted to the floor to prevent anyone from taking THAT).

Too much, you say? Yeah, it might be. I may not go THIS far, but I do think that some of the above ideas are good ones. I have to work with one thing at a time, of course, because I'm facing down some pretty expensive stuff in the next few weeks. My credit card bill has already swelled past the comfort level because of having to replace the computer and get the alarm system installed. Sigh.

But if it means I'll be safe in my own house, so be it.

The one thing that keeps running through my mind, though, is that I'm thankful that I'm alive and that I didn't walk in on these assholes that did this. Because I live in a city where someone will shoot you in the head for a pair of 60 dollar Nike tennis shoes. And, yet, I still love my little house in the city. I still enjoy being here. No one with a drug addiction - or for that matter, any issue - is going to take that away from me.

I've taken my house back. Now I'm taking my life back.

One more step away from the sofa!

I've had the last four days off of work, though I've not really accomplished much around here. I did finally buy a bed, though, which is a definite step forward. I didn't get the bed that I really wanted, which was a nice TempurPedic (at nearly four thousand dollars, heh) - I did some thinking, then more thinking, then realized that it was a bit too lofty for my budget and "settled" for actually using the old mattress with a platform bed. It'll do. My body's not in THAT bad of a shape that I need a Tempur, at least not right away. The platform bed cost 400 dollars and I can still use my old mattress, which - if I want to be honest with myself - still has a lot of "life" left in it, as I only bought it in 2006. A lot of the reason why I wanted to get rid of the old mattress has to do with bad memories attached to it, but... well, if I allow myself to do that, I let whatever drives those bad memories win. Which I'm just not about to do.

Besides, I'll admit it - I'm also stingy enough with money to not want to spend 9 times that amount on anything, much less a bed, heh.



So that's the one I picked. I hope it looks as good upstairs as it does in the picture. Now I can work on buying rugs, furniture, other things for the house - perhaps I can finally make this place look like a real home instead of a hostel I just stay in.

I just wish I didn't have to spend money to do it. I just got out of debt - now I have to go right back in, sigh.

But it's worth it. Isn't it?

Like I said... it'll pass. And it did.

I've woken up this morning feeling much better today. A good night's sleep, something that I haven't admittedly had in a while, cured me of whatever malaise I'd been feeling, and I'm now happily enjoying a hot cup of coffee and a vegetable-packed cheese omelet that I just made.

It's funny, but there's always been something a little special about Sunday morning for me. Maybe it's because I know that I can sleep in if I really want to - or that I can just kick back in my pajamas and enjoy a hot cup of coffee while watching the world go by my windows. It's being able to catch up on the news at my leisure, usually with a Sunday paper resting at my feet, or if I want to go worship a "god" of sorts, I can do that. (And... this may come as a shock to some of you, but I have seriously thought about going to a service or two recently. It's not because I've suddenly "found" religion - I'm too much of a cynic for that - but perhaps I DON'T know every side of the story, and I should make it my business to find out. A questioner, in my mind, leaves no stone unturned to find their truth, even if it might be distasteful to some.)

Anyhow, what it boils down to is that I feel 100 percent better this morning. Sure, it would be nice to have family and friends around me during this time of the year - but in the end, this is going to be what I make of it. Someday I might meet someone, or several someones, that I can consider "family" or "friends". But in the meantime, I'm calm with myself. I'm still learning, you see, to be okay with my own company. And I think I'm doing better with that right now than I ever have previously. For the most part, I've been somewhat contented. I'm healing. I can feel it.

My debt is nearly completely paid off. I have a little short of a thousand dollars left, but that'll be nothing to take care of, considering that I dumped nearly ten grand off of the cards. I estimate that everything will be finally paid completely off by February, March at the very latest, if I keep to my original goal, which I intend to do. I still have my massive mortgage, of course, and my student loans - but they consider that "good debt". That's fine. I can live with that. I have a plan to go full-steam ahead on the mortgage once everything is paid off and I have what I need to have - I don't really want to be almost 70 years old before I can get this house paid up. Ditto with the student loans.

One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't get started on this shit sooner - like right out of high school. I guess that I was too immature, as most 18 year olds tend to be, to consider these things, and it doesn't help that I've been suffering from undiagnosed depression all that time, either. But there's no point in looking back and regretting things, because it's a waste of energy and it does nothing to fix the situation you're in now, you know what I'm saying?

Apparently, Sunday is a day to be contemplative, too. :)

Therapy today. I'm in need of a session, since I missed last week due to the exams and studying, bleh blah. I did get a B in the biology course. The web design course, unknown, though I know I did pass it. I just tried to run my degree progress report through the school's website, but they're making upgrades to it and it won't be available until tonight. Bluh. Oh, well. But in any case, I did pass my other two courses, so that's all right.

So now I'm rambling, heh. I think I should get more coffee at this point and sign off, but... yeah, I think I'm feeling better.

Pretty sure, anyway.

Happy thoughts.

The school semester is beginning to wind down, which for me is a profound relief. If there's one thing that I've learned from the past couple of months, it's not to take a biology course in tandem with a web design course. Ugh - what a pain in the ass it's been. I really don't know how well I'm going to do in either of these courses. I think I'll be all right with the biology, but the web design is touchy. It doesn't really matter, of course, as it's not required to obtain my degree. But I hate to think that I've wasted any time (as well as money, ugh). It has sparked a bit of an interest in CSS, though, and I may apply what I've learned toward redoing the entire design of this blog. I'd like to work on that, piecemeal, as I can. But I'll have to fit that in along with everything else I've been trying to do. It's been exhausting, to say the least.

I haven't been sleeping very well this week, not since Thanksgiving Day. It's not because of any underlying health problem or because I'm depressed - that's not it. I think it's just a matter of being totally thrown off schedule. It's funny, but you never realize how structured your life is (or can be) until your routine is completely interrupted. I've discovered that I rather like routine, something that shocks me, because I never really thought that was true about myself. I've made a lot of self-discoveries, though, in the last year, and I suspect that I'm on the brink of a lot more.

My tax credit money showed up this week. Lots to do now, I think. I'm paying off most, if not all, of my credit card bills with it, and now I can start with a clean slate - by Monday at the latest (I'm headed to the bank tomorrow, but they'll need a day or two to process everything). Then my creditors will be in for a rude shock, because I'm paying off the entire bill - they can suck it. The only bills I want now are my mortgage, my school loans, and the bill for the TempurPedic bed that I'm going to get (and yes, I'm going to have to finance that, we're looking at thousands of dollars - but it's worth it if I can sleep decently). Indeed, possibilities have now opened up far and wide. I'm looking forward to it, because now I can begin what's left of the rest of my life.

It's a little frightening to think about how far I've come in the last 2 years - never mind in the last 5. I really try not to stress over it, though, because as we know, stress is my enemy.

I'm doing a lot better, a HELL of a lot better, now than I was this time last year, in almost every way possible. The holidays are actually not affecting me, not the way that they did, anyhow. If I were to go away for a short trip this year I think I would actually be able to handle it mentally, but I believe I'll be staying home and just enjoying the quiet and the solitude. I was even thinking about buying some holiday decorations for the house - garland for the railing, candles in the windows, that sort of thing. Probably too late to do it now, but once everything goes on sale after Christmas, I may consider it. This is a far, far cry from sitting on a beach in Ocean City and thinking about doing myself in. This is progress!

Still, I'm cautious. I've said this so many times before. I've gotten my hopes up, only to have them not dashed, but steamrolled. But I'm staying as positive as I can.

I'd like to know when the epiphany happened, though. Or exactly what switch flipped inside of my head so that I'm no longer the sick, broken person I used to be. Because I'd destroy that switch so that it could never, ever flip back.

Ah, I'm rambling at this point and I need to open up the lab in a few minutes. But I wanted to just share my good feelings this morning, as it's relatively rare and I know that those of you who still bother to read this thing enjoy them so.

More later.

Better!

I've been feeling kind of shit the last few days - I think that I had a mild depressive attack - but it's starting to dissipate and though I'm still tired (as is always the case afterward), things are starting to pick up again. I'm a bit excited because I'm finally starting to understand the concepts of CSS, which is great news for me. I'll finally be able to do more with this blog, if I choose to, than this simple little design that I've got up here now. Oh, it's not terrible - I've seen much worse than what's on this blog, but I really want to be able to make this more "interactive", I suppose. A bit more personal, perhaps. I've seen some really nice-looking sites, and I want to be able to design in that manner. It's obvious that straight HTML is so 90's, heh.

Also, I'll be coming into a little money from the award ceremonies this week. It's not a huge amount, and it's not nearly enough to get everything I need, but it's a good start. I was thinking about buying a dishwasher with some of it. Gah, I'm so lazy, but I'll admit it - I hate doing dishes, hate hate hate hate it. Not too good of a situation for someone who likes to cook, now is it?

I've thought about a Kindle, as well. Or another vacation somewhere. I don't know. What I really should do is pay bills with it, but it's not going to be enough to clear out what I want to clear out, and I really just need too much right now. I wish that I had enough to buy a bed, but alas... not to be.

The tax credit still hasn't shown up. We're now going into the 28th week of waiting. That's right - 28 weeks, otherwise known as 7 months. I've pretty much given up hope that I'll ever receive it. It's a good thing that I'm almost used to this sofa now, though if I ever get to buy the bed I'll have a hard time adjusting to that. Sigh.

I should be in bed now - it's after 1am - but I don't know, I've been sleeping a LOT recently, and it's been worrying me. I had a rare Thursday off last week and I literally spent all of it sleeping. As well as all of Friday night - from 7pm to nearly 9am this morning. That seriously worries me, this sleeping 12 and 14 hours a day. It's reminiscent of what I used to do when I was seriously depressed and sick. I hope that this isn't a sign of it coming back.

Slowly getting used to the idea.

Now that some of the legwork in purchasing the house is done, I'm slowly beginning to adjust to the fact that in a couple of weeks, if things go right, I'll be a home owner. The only thing that I have to wait on at this point is for the seller to make a few minor repairs (that he's agreed to), and the appraisal. The appraisal is the big one, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it except for wait - so that's what I'm doing, and I'm not stressing over it. If it comes in high or breaking even, that's bully for me. If it comes in low, that's too bad for the seller, because he'll either have to lower the price (which I bet he wouldn't), or I walk away from the whole thing. Apparently, it's the way the RE game works. But my agent said that it's very, very, VERY unlikely that it'll appraise for less than what he's asking, because he's done too much to it in renovations - it'll go for way above what he paid for it.

And so I wait. Again. But I'm not killing myself over it. The hard part is done now. I don't have to think about it anymore until I get a call saying it's all clear.

I've already half spent the 8000 dollar tax credit in my mind, heh. Half of it will pay off the rest of my credit card bill - that'll be all over and done with, and I'll be glad for that. The other half, eh, probably sock some away in an emergency fund. Some of it to pay for the new washer/dryer I have to get now - the area has no laundromat facilities and I wouldn't want to haul my clothes down to it if it DID have one. (I am so fucking lazy it's not funny, heh.) I'll see what I'm going to do, I don't know. There's a lot going on. And a lot to think about. I'm already half "improving" the place in my own head, which I think is a good sign - it shows that I'm committed to this. It's time. Definitely so.

I haven't really done much this weekend. A lot of homework. My exams are next week. I'm ready for the information systems one. The math, well. We'll see, though I don't hold much hope. I'm STILL pulling an A in everything - for right now. But we'll see. My crim final paper is due next Saturday, too, but that won't be too hard. I already have an idea in my head of how to approach that. Term papers have never been an issue for me. I can dash them out in no time flat. It's the math and science bullshit I can't wrap my head around.

Otherwise, nothing doing. I should be packing - but no boxes. I'm looking around to see what I can find, but most likely, knowing myself, I'll be lazy as usual and buy them from Squallmart or something.

By the way, this is the washer/dryer I've got my heart set on. Nice, yeah? There was a time where I couldn't even begin to dream to afford that. Now look at me.

Goddamn. You know I'm getting old when I get excited about buying home appliances, lol.

More news as it develops.

Ack, snowed in.

I haven't been at work since Thursday evening, but that's good in a way. I've been relaxing, doing a bit of schoolwork, just getting things together. It's been a nice change of pace. I don't have work tomorrow, either, as the gubmint's closed.

I've been paying off my debt at a phenomenal rate. I just got rid of over 1500 dollars' worth of debt this weekend, and I'm on a roll to dump even more. My primary concern is getting those FICO scores up and my credit in good shape - I am determined to buy that house I want. Maybe not right away - I'm actually thinking about waiting for 7 years now as opposed to the 2 I was planning on - but it'll happen. In the meantime, I'm looking at houses in neighborhoods that I'm interested in. Again, the old waiting game. But I'm willing to play along, at least for now. My previous comment about Suze Orman, I take that back. I've read a lot of websites in the last few days that don't think too much of her strategies. Also, the fact that Oprah Winfrey endorses her doesn't say much in my opinion, either.

I haven't been around or written much because there's really not much to write about. Nothing's happened, good or bad. I've noticed that the attacks have dwindled to nearly nothing, and that's a very good sign, but I still don't consider myself out of the woods just yet. The last attack was about two weeks ago. I'm waiting on it to come again. We'll see.

I've noticed that staying away from certain people and places has greatly helped toward alleviating and discouraging further depressive episodes. This is very good, and I plan on remaining away from such situations. Unfortunately, my social life has again dwindled to nothing - but in some ways, it's really not that much of a loss, as I've never been a "people person" to begin with. I guess there's time to make new friends... at least maybe I'll try to. I don't know. Hard to do when you think most people are idiots, I guess.

The city is quiet tonight, thanks to the snowstorm making people unable to drive. I like it. I wish it was like this more often.

Anyhow, that's all for now, I suppose. Things are steady. I guess that's all I can ask for.

Thumbs down to the assholes at Target.

So I have an account with Target, okay, to get my medicine from their pharmacy. I recently did a bit of purchasing, stuff for the house and whatnot, and got close to my limit. I went ahead and paid the bill, sent them a hundred bucks, and considered the matter closed.

Well. Remember that bullshit with the checks bouncing from my Justice account? That was one of the accounts that was directly affected by it. So... instead of letting me fix this mess... they cut off online access to my account. Isn't that great? So now I don't have a way to pay these fucking assholes unless it's by a check - but guess what? I don't pay my bills with a check. It's inconvenient and it takes too much time. I pay my shit like everyone else does these days - online.

I've called these idiots at Target three times to try and get this bullshit straightened out, but they still can't seem to be able to fix my account so that I can pay this bill. The best part about it now is that they called me today - at work - to demand a payment. Ain't that a fucking BITCH? They can't manage to get their IT department straight - they're all apparently outsourced, lucky me, because they can't seem to speak a word of English, never mind understand me - and yet they have the balls to call me and demand a payment. That's funny. So funny that I'm going to call them tonight when I get home and literally bitch them out - and I assure you that I'm going to get the highest supervisor I can (hopefully one that speaks English, anyway) to straighten this crap out.

I'm not going to pay by phone - because I'm not paying their outrageous fees to do it. Fuck that shit.

I know one thing's for sure - I'm dropping this motherfucking account once I pay it off, because 1. these people have been incredibly unpleasant to deal with and 2. I get my medicine from a Rite Aid now because it's closer to where I'm going to be moving. I don't need this unbelievable crap.

Justice fucking owes ME money for all of the time I've had to spend straightening this shit out with all these people. I can say that much.

Sigh. Other than this headache, life's been more or less okay. My crim project is due tonight - I'm going to fix it and turn that in ASAP - and I expect my failing grade later this week, heh.

Meh. I am so pissed off now. How dare they pull this shit.

Back to work in a few minutes. I can't write entries while up at the counter anymore, they're starting to monitor Internet usage up there and they're threatening people with a 14 day suspension. I can't afford to lose salary for two weeks for a blog entry - it's not worth it. Sooo....

... more later. I guess.

I'm feeling a little better today.

Just looking in during my lunch hour to let people know that I'm honestly all right. I've gotten a few Emails and comments inquiring about my state of mind - thanks for caring, all of you. I'm fine - it's just lil' old me venting, blowing off steam, etc. Nothing more than that.

I have such a bad temper that I'm scared sometimes to confront people when I'm angry, because I fear losing all control. People always tell me that they wonder how I'm so calm and never get angry - despite what it looks like here. You, my faithful reader, know better than that. In person, I never confront or make an issue of things, because I'm scared of myself - I'm afraid that I'll actually get physical if I get angry enough, and it's happened before (albeit very rarely - I have to be beyond reason to get that mad, heh).

I don't need to be in jail, thanks. Or to lose my job, as crappy as it is.

So far, the day's going all right, though it's before 2pm, which means nothing. It's how the afternoon will proceed that will tell me if this will end up being a crappy day or not. But... so far, so good.

I know you all are concerned about me, and I thank you for it. But I'm really okay. It's just a lot of things going on right now that I'm not happy with - mainly my financial situation. My federal credit union has really, really fucked me over big time with the money not transferring to where it needs to go, and I'm furious at them. Naturally, I either can't get a hold of them, or we're playing phone tag. Fuckers.

Heh, still pissed off about that.

Anyway, time to roll out and deal with the inevitable idiots that'll pour through the door any minute now. Please continue to wish me luck... my day isn't over for another few hours yet, and I continue to need strength.

Thanks. :)

Holiday rambling.

Not too much to talk about tonight, as I'm tired, cold and trying to get the week over with. I have four days off coming up - the federal gubmint was generous and gave us the 26th off - so that'll be nice to get some work around the house accomplished, etc.

I know, I know. Not very festive, is it. Thing is that Christmas doesn't really mean that much to me anymore, I sort of think of it as a kids' holiday. Since I don't (and don't plan to) have kids, I find myself disinterested in the whole thing. I've stayed as far away from TV, radio, Christmas displays, etc., as possible. My depression's been kicking up as of late, too, so this time of the year doesn't help it, and I stay away from anything that'll make it worse.

I'm truly happy with spending the day by myself - it'll be peaceful, quiet and I can get things done while doing other things that I want to do. I have no problem with that. Curled up on the sofa, reading, maybe a bath by candlelight... that's a perfect Christmas day to me, anyway.

Also, like everyone else, I'm hesitant to spend any money. Retailers are forecasting "the worst holiday season in 40 years" - well, yeah, duh. People have no money to spend on a fucking thing that they don't need, why SHOULD we be pressured into buying? How about paying down debt so that we CAN spend money we have? Oh, wait, I forgot - the credit card business depends on that hefty interest they charge every month when you carry astronomical balances - my bad. They don't WANT you to be debt-free, because debt is how they make money. Someone's going to lose out - better that it be you, in their minds.

Not I, said the federal gubmint worker. I'm not buying a motherfucking thing. I've bought two presents for two people, and I have two more to shop for - that's it. Other than that? Fuck Christmas and fuck the overspending, greedy credit card companies and banks. Banks shouldn't even be DARING to ask for money right now, not when they just got a fuckload of my tax money to bail their avaricious asses out. And what are they spending it ON, anyway? It's not like we actually KNOW, do we? People are starting to ask that question and the banks are saying... "Well... we're NOT saying." Which is double-speak for "sweet F.A.", isn't it.

I read that over 1.6 BILLION DOLLARS - billion with a capital B - went to CEOs of American banks for perks and severance packages and bonuses and Christ knows what else. I say we get that 1.6 B's back and pump it into the economy. Then maybe the goddamn "food for the hungry" tables won't be so bare this year...

... fucking assholes, all. I swear to God.

Weekend doings, etc.

So I've finally bitten the bullet and paid off a good chunk of my debt - I've cleared out my American Express card. I know, big deal, but when you're carrying a balance - especially in THIS economy - you get warm, fuzzy feelings after you give away money, heh. Just call me weird, I guess. But it's a little weight off of my shoulders when right now I desperately need to get all of the pressure I can removed.

I even had enough money to order a new internal drive and some memory upgrades for my old desktop, the HP that broke down a couple of months ago. I'm excited because I finally get to be able to get some of my music back, or at least get started with it. I miss my music, and this notebook I'm using now just doesn't have the space. I'm not wild about this notebook, anyway - the Enter key keeps falling off, and it's definitely not a model that I would have picked out to have as my own, but beggars can't be choosers, I suppose. Once the store Emails me with the pickup mail, I'll be on my way to get it. I'm considering a netbook, too, to take with me to work, but I honestly don't know all that much about them, and I want to shop around a bit before I plunge into that market. It'll be nice to be able to do what I want to do on the train, though, so we'll see.

Next stop are college courses. I want to definitely take some opportunities here.

I guess I'm on the upswing of my usual mood disturbances, but I really do want to improve my life... and getting rid of money for the time being will allow me to do that. I have a hard time with spending money in general, though you'd never know it from my credit card balances - but sometimes it's a bad thing to hold on to it like a crab. This is proving to be one of those times.

We'll see what happens. I'm looking forward to working on my blog from the desktop, that's for sure.