It's Monday morning at 3:20am, which means that the neighborhood is dead quiet - not even a car rolling by, all I hear are the birds singing. I have my window open, since it's late April and pretty nice out. My husband is next to me, sleeping the sleep of the calm and happy (he's snoring, so I can tell, hah). And I'm wide awake, since I actually fell asleep after my exercise session at the gym and got a good bit of rest.
Seems a good time to reflect upon recent events.
The truth is that there really isn't too much to say. I've achieved most of what I've planned, so far. I'm married now to a good man who loves me (and I must say that this second marriage is already a thousand times happier than my first, even after only a month). I'll be graduating from college in three weeks, a feat that I never in my wildest dreams thought would happen, ever. I've lost almost eighty pounds in two years, with more slated to come off as my exercise routine gets better, and stronger (and it is... more about that in a minute). My three-year waiting period for the house ends in a week (you know, the 8k tax credit - I have to live here for three years in order not to have to pay that back to the government. Once it ends, I can move and I don't owe anyone anything), so... if I want to move, I can (not that we're planning on it soon, but you know).
The only sour note is that I'm way behind in my finances. I was hoping to have a lot more paid off than this. Unfortunately, the bullshit with the legal case totally derailed that - but I'll eventually catch up. I'm still not sure if I'm going to graduate school yet - it depends on the economy and whether sequestration will continue, etc. So far, it doesn't look good - no one's even mentioned it coming to an end. It may never come to an end, at this rate.
So that's up in the air. But everything else, so far, is on track.
I was in the gym today, working out, and I was really getting into the routine - feeling the sweat pouring down my face and my body, which is normally a pretty icky feeling to me (and it's one of the reasons that I dislike working out, to be honest). Today, though, I was reveling in it for some reason - then I started to notice that I would feel a little "nudge" in my legs - it was the feel of the excess fat/skin/whatever rubbing up against my leg. It wasn't a lot (just so you all don't get grossed out, you know), but it was enough to motivate me to work out even harder. It was like, "oh my God, you're nasty, go AWAY." Know what I mean?
Suddenly, with each step I took, with each rotation on that elliptical, it was like I was saying "fuck you" to everyone who had ever told me that I was worthless, grotesque, ugly. It was a constant "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you." (Yes, I'm actually kind of laughing thinking about that.) But it was incredible. I worked out so hard today, almost 700 calories burned in one session, which for me is insane.
Yes, I'm a beginner. But for some reason... I think this time it's going to stick. There was a time where I did it to make an impression on others - this time, this shit is for me, because I don't have anyone I need to impress. My husband loves me whether I'm obese or not - he's proven that.
This time, it's for me. This time, I'm saying "fuck you" to the ones that never believed in me.
The music helps. I've been working on my mp3 collection (yes, again, I'm so freaking obsessive, that's NEVER changed about me), so I've had to use Slacker Radio for workouts. Oddly, they've come up with stuff I never knew about and that I'm seriously digging. The song below is one of my newer favorites:
I marvel at how far I've truly come.
I wonder sometimes, only sometimes, what those who put me down before would think of me now. I wonder sometimes if I'm strong enough to confront those that have tried so hard to see me in the ground, either figuratively or literally. But, to be honest... that wondering only extends to what I would do if I saw them again. I'm vindictive enough to laugh in their faces.
Anger is a powerful, powerful motivator. But... in the end, you know what? It's only useful when it helps me. I don't think about it beyond that.
I think I'm going off into a tangent now, so I'm going to stop here. But... my life is good. It's getting better. It's going to keep getting better.
:)
Showing posts with label debt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label debt. Show all posts
22 April 2013
03 April 2011
Tired (and somewhat depressive) rambling.
Can't sleep at the moment, so I figured I'd make a post and wait for these pain pills to kick in. Thank Christ for Excedrin PM, that's all I can say. This weekend hasn't been the best for me on either a physical or mental level, unfortunately. I ended up sleeping for most of the day today because I just... I don't know, the lethargy was overpowering and I didn't feel like battling it, to be honest.
There's a lot going on right now. I'm embroiled in a huge project at work where I more or less have to create a website for the department, and while I have the talent/ability/skill to do it, they're not giving me a lot of time to accomplish the job and I'm beginning to fall behind in not only this, but the other things they've asked me to do (not to mention my regular duties). I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and irritable. I don't even want to think about what might happen after school starts - what the fuck am I going to do then?
My notebook computer suffered a devastating fall on Friday afternoon, and the screen is useless, so I ended up having to spend 700 dollars on a new one - an expense that is very, VERY ill-timed. I was rather proud of myself for not completely losing control, but I'm sick inside about the whole thing. As usual, it just seems as if I can't win, no matter what I do.
Maybe I slept the entire day away as a form of escape. I don't know. I'm painfully aware that I'm still not very happy with my life, even though things have improved quite a bit.
When I went out on Friday night to get the new computer, I watched people walking around at the harbor with a sort of detached observation... and as usual, I felt out of place and alienated from what was going on around me. That, at least, hasn't changed. I find that as time goes on, though, it bothers me less and less.
Whenever I feel sad or lonely or even a quiet sense of desperation... all that I have to think of to snap me out of that mood is all of the failed relationships that have gone on before... or the last time that I tried to date someone. The last time that I tried to strike out in the romantic arena, I was violated. That's enough to make me feel more than glad to be alone. Sometimes I think that I'll feel that way for the rest of my life, but.... oddly, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it once did.
I simply don't want to be hurt anymore. If being alone is the price I have to pay for safety, for security... I will gladly pay it and be content.
Ah, hell, this is turning a bit toward the despondent, and I didn't mean it to be, as I'm not really depressed so much as lethargic and achy. Whiny, if you want to be blunt about it. :p As always, I'll probably feel better tomorrow or in a couple of days. I'm just laying here and hoping for sleep at the moment.
It's strange, because I've been eating the best I ever have these past few weeks (i.e., a lot of vegetables and fruit, not much meat, sensible portions, the "right things"), I've actually begun to lose a significant amount of weight, and yet... I feel like I've been spun dry in my Bosch, knocked around in a boxing ring, run over by a truck. It makes no sense. Perhaps my mind is fighting the progress that my body's experiencing, a psychosomatic response to the possibility of shedding the wall that I've been hiding behind for most of my life now. I know damned well that my weight is a hiding mechanism - no therapist has to tell me that.
The possibility of losing that mechanism is, apparently, too much for my cracked brain to handle.
I'm not giving up, though.
Anyway, enough of this complaining. Hopefully the Excedrin will do its job soon and I can get some shuteye.
Later.
There's a lot going on right now. I'm embroiled in a huge project at work where I more or less have to create a website for the department, and while I have the talent/ability/skill to do it, they're not giving me a lot of time to accomplish the job and I'm beginning to fall behind in not only this, but the other things they've asked me to do (not to mention my regular duties). I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and irritable. I don't even want to think about what might happen after school starts - what the fuck am I going to do then?
My notebook computer suffered a devastating fall on Friday afternoon, and the screen is useless, so I ended up having to spend 700 dollars on a new one - an expense that is very, VERY ill-timed. I was rather proud of myself for not completely losing control, but I'm sick inside about the whole thing. As usual, it just seems as if I can't win, no matter what I do.
Maybe I slept the entire day away as a form of escape. I don't know. I'm painfully aware that I'm still not very happy with my life, even though things have improved quite a bit.
When I went out on Friday night to get the new computer, I watched people walking around at the harbor with a sort of detached observation... and as usual, I felt out of place and alienated from what was going on around me. That, at least, hasn't changed. I find that as time goes on, though, it bothers me less and less.
Whenever I feel sad or lonely or even a quiet sense of desperation... all that I have to think of to snap me out of that mood is all of the failed relationships that have gone on before... or the last time that I tried to date someone. The last time that I tried to strike out in the romantic arena, I was violated. That's enough to make me feel more than glad to be alone. Sometimes I think that I'll feel that way for the rest of my life, but.... oddly, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it once did.
I simply don't want to be hurt anymore. If being alone is the price I have to pay for safety, for security... I will gladly pay it and be content.
Ah, hell, this is turning a bit toward the despondent, and I didn't mean it to be, as I'm not really depressed so much as lethargic and achy. Whiny, if you want to be blunt about it. :p As always, I'll probably feel better tomorrow or in a couple of days. I'm just laying here and hoping for sleep at the moment.
It's strange, because I've been eating the best I ever have these past few weeks (i.e., a lot of vegetables and fruit, not much meat, sensible portions, the "right things"), I've actually begun to lose a significant amount of weight, and yet... I feel like I've been spun dry in my Bosch, knocked around in a boxing ring, run over by a truck. It makes no sense. Perhaps my mind is fighting the progress that my body's experiencing, a psychosomatic response to the possibility of shedding the wall that I've been hiding behind for most of my life now. I know damned well that my weight is a hiding mechanism - no therapist has to tell me that.
The possibility of losing that mechanism is, apparently, too much for my cracked brain to handle.
I'm not giving up, though.
Anyway, enough of this complaining. Hopefully the Excedrin will do its job soon and I can get some shuteye.
Later.
11 February 2011
Now leaving the Twilight Zone....
I've been busy over the last week. As I've probably mentioned a few times on my social networking accounts and elsewhere, I've received my bed, it's set up, and I've been sleeping like a fiend all week long. Ever since, though, I've been doing more around this house than I have in the last 10 months combined - probably because I really don't have any more excuses to put it off, but also because the bed just looks so damned good set up and it's starting to tie together, if you will. There's finally things on the walls, though I still don't have nearly enough, and I'm beginning to get down to the business of taking stock, figuring out what I need, etc.
I know that I should have been doing this - hell, I should have finished this over six months ago. Better late than never, I guess.
Today has been a day of thinking for me. There's something on my mind that's been weighing heavily for a very long time, something that is finally beginning to release its once very, VERY powerful hold on me. I wish that I could begin talking about it, but it's still something that 1. remains quite painful in a lot of respects and 2. is quite recent and therefore fresh, something that I've not fully dealt with yet. It's not earth-shattering, trust me, but the situation more or less ruled my entire life for the last few years. Even a few months ago, I wasn't able to deal very well with it. Certain things that have been tied to this situation still hurt, like some music... some places... watching certain things. I'm beginning to take some of these things back, one piece at a time. But... it's beginning to fade away into the background. I know that I'm being vague about this, and I don't mean to be, but it's... still not something I can discuss yet. I will, one day, when I feel safe.
Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't feel at all sad about it. Sure, one of these days I'd love to be in a good relationship with someone - but until that day comes, I'm not going to lament over it. For the first time in my life, I am OKAY with being single. My life is finally my own, and I have no one to answer to. If I want to be honest with myself, I'm not really sure I want to give that much of myself away to someone. With very few exceptions, I've always been hurt when I've done that, and I won't risk being hurt like that again.
It'll have to be someone that's beyond, beyond, BEYOND special for me to give away even a small piece of my heart again. And we all know how rare that is.
The person that I had been exchanging Emails with back in October recently wrote me after a 4 month absence, saying that "he'd been thinking about me". That's nice, I guess, though my enthusiasm is dampened by the fact that he didn't bother to write me back - for 4 months. Somehow this isn't a compliment, I'm thinking. I gave him a response, but it's not likely I'm going to forget the lapse. Maybe that's harsh, but I'm just extremely cautious about who I'm going to let into "the inner circle". AvPD at work again, go figure.
Things are okay, otherwise. Work is still a huge pain in the ass, though it's starting to settle down once again (unless it's ME, which it could very well be - I've not been in a real great mood this week, but then that was obvious from my last post). I have to do another Saturday shift tomorrow, the second in two weeks, but then they'll leave me alone until May - just in time for school starting up again. I need to get on that, actually, because I have to decide what classes are next. I'm going to try three courses this semester instead of two - probably not the best of ideas, but I need to get jump-started on this degree. I don't want to still be in school 10 years from now. Or be in hock for yet more school loans. I'm already up over 10 grand in school loans - ugh, I saw that and I nearly cried, sigh.
It is what it is. It'll be worth it.
More later.
I know that I should have been doing this - hell, I should have finished this over six months ago. Better late than never, I guess.
Today has been a day of thinking for me. There's something on my mind that's been weighing heavily for a very long time, something that is finally beginning to release its once very, VERY powerful hold on me. I wish that I could begin talking about it, but it's still something that 1. remains quite painful in a lot of respects and 2. is quite recent and therefore fresh, something that I've not fully dealt with yet. It's not earth-shattering, trust me, but the situation more or less ruled my entire life for the last few years. Even a few months ago, I wasn't able to deal very well with it. Certain things that have been tied to this situation still hurt, like some music... some places... watching certain things. I'm beginning to take some of these things back, one piece at a time. But... it's beginning to fade away into the background. I know that I'm being vague about this, and I don't mean to be, but it's... still not something I can discuss yet. I will, one day, when I feel safe.
Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't feel at all sad about it. Sure, one of these days I'd love to be in a good relationship with someone - but until that day comes, I'm not going to lament over it. For the first time in my life, I am OKAY with being single. My life is finally my own, and I have no one to answer to. If I want to be honest with myself, I'm not really sure I want to give that much of myself away to someone. With very few exceptions, I've always been hurt when I've done that, and I won't risk being hurt like that again.
It'll have to be someone that's beyond, beyond, BEYOND special for me to give away even a small piece of my heart again. And we all know how rare that is.
The person that I had been exchanging Emails with back in October recently wrote me after a 4 month absence, saying that "he'd been thinking about me". That's nice, I guess, though my enthusiasm is dampened by the fact that he didn't bother to write me back - for 4 months. Somehow this isn't a compliment, I'm thinking. I gave him a response, but it's not likely I'm going to forget the lapse. Maybe that's harsh, but I'm just extremely cautious about who I'm going to let into "the inner circle". AvPD at work again, go figure.
Things are okay, otherwise. Work is still a huge pain in the ass, though it's starting to settle down once again (unless it's ME, which it could very well be - I've not been in a real great mood this week, but then that was obvious from my last post). I have to do another Saturday shift tomorrow, the second in two weeks, but then they'll leave me alone until May - just in time for school starting up again. I need to get on that, actually, because I have to decide what classes are next. I'm going to try three courses this semester instead of two - probably not the best of ideas, but I need to get jump-started on this degree. I don't want to still be in school 10 years from now. Or be in hock for yet more school loans. I'm already up over 10 grand in school loans - ugh, I saw that and I nearly cried, sigh.
It is what it is. It'll be worth it.
More later.
17 January 2011
One more step away from the sofa!
I've had the last four days off of work, though I've not really accomplished much around here. I did finally buy a bed, though, which is a definite step forward. I didn't get the bed that I really wanted, which was a nice TempurPedic (at nearly four thousand dollars, heh) - I did some thinking, then more thinking, then realized that it was a bit too lofty for my budget and "settled" for actually using the old mattress with a platform bed. It'll do. My body's not in THAT bad of a shape that I need a Tempur, at least not right away. The platform bed cost 400 dollars and I can still use my old mattress, which - if I want to be honest with myself - still has a lot of "life" left in it, as I only bought it in 2006. A lot of the reason why I wanted to get rid of the old mattress has to do with bad memories attached to it, but... well, if I allow myself to do that, I let whatever drives those bad memories win. Which I'm just not about to do.
Besides, I'll admit it - I'm also stingy enough with money to not want to spend 9 times that amount on anything, much less a bed, heh.
So that's the one I picked. I hope it looks as good upstairs as it does in the picture. Now I can work on buying rugs, furniture, other things for the house - perhaps I can finally make this place look like a real home instead of a hostel I just stay in.
I just wish I didn't have to spend money to do it. I just got out of debt - now I have to go right back in, sigh.
But it's worth it. Isn't it?
Besides, I'll admit it - I'm also stingy enough with money to not want to spend 9 times that amount on anything, much less a bed, heh.
So that's the one I picked. I hope it looks as good upstairs as it does in the picture. Now I can work on buying rugs, furniture, other things for the house - perhaps I can finally make this place look like a real home instead of a hostel I just stay in.
I just wish I didn't have to spend money to do it. I just got out of debt - now I have to go right back in, sigh.
But it's worth it. Isn't it?
19 December 2010
Like I said... it'll pass. And it did.
I've woken up this morning feeling much better today. A good night's sleep, something that I haven't admittedly had in a while, cured me of whatever malaise I'd been feeling, and I'm now happily enjoying a hot cup of coffee and a vegetable-packed cheese omelet that I just made.
It's funny, but there's always been something a little special about Sunday morning for me. Maybe it's because I know that I can sleep in if I really want to - or that I can just kick back in my pajamas and enjoy a hot cup of coffee while watching the world go by my windows. It's being able to catch up on the news at my leisure, usually with a Sunday paper resting at my feet, or if I want to go worship a "god" of sorts, I can do that. (And... this may come as a shock to some of you, but I have seriously thought about going to a service or two recently. It's not because I've suddenly "found" religion - I'm too much of a cynic for that - but perhaps I DON'T know every side of the story, and I should make it my business to find out. A questioner, in my mind, leaves no stone unturned to find their truth, even if it might be distasteful to some.)
Anyhow, what it boils down to is that I feel 100 percent better this morning. Sure, it would be nice to have family and friends around me during this time of the year - but in the end, this is going to be what I make of it. Someday I might meet someone, or several someones, that I can consider "family" or "friends". But in the meantime, I'm calm with myself. I'm still learning, you see, to be okay with my own company. And I think I'm doing better with that right now than I ever have previously. For the most part, I've been somewhat contented. I'm healing. I can feel it.
My debt is nearly completely paid off. I have a little short of a thousand dollars left, but that'll be nothing to take care of, considering that I dumped nearly ten grand off of the cards. I estimate that everything will be finally paid completely off by February, March at the very latest, if I keep to my original goal, which I intend to do. I still have my massive mortgage, of course, and my student loans - but they consider that "good debt". That's fine. I can live with that. I have a plan to go full-steam ahead on the mortgage once everything is paid off and I have what I need to have - I don't really want to be almost 70 years old before I can get this house paid up. Ditto with the student loans.
One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't get started on this shit sooner - like right out of high school. I guess that I was too immature, as most 18 year olds tend to be, to consider these things, and it doesn't help that I've been suffering from undiagnosed depression all that time, either. But there's no point in looking back and regretting things, because it's a waste of energy and it does nothing to fix the situation you're in now, you know what I'm saying?
Apparently, Sunday is a day to be contemplative, too. :)
Therapy today. I'm in need of a session, since I missed last week due to the exams and studying, bleh blah. I did get a B in the biology course. The web design course, unknown, though I know I did pass it. I just tried to run my degree progress report through the school's website, but they're making upgrades to it and it won't be available until tonight. Bluh. Oh, well. But in any case, I did pass my other two courses, so that's all right.
So now I'm rambling, heh. I think I should get more coffee at this point and sign off, but... yeah, I think I'm feeling better.
Pretty sure, anyway.
It's funny, but there's always been something a little special about Sunday morning for me. Maybe it's because I know that I can sleep in if I really want to - or that I can just kick back in my pajamas and enjoy a hot cup of coffee while watching the world go by my windows. It's being able to catch up on the news at my leisure, usually with a Sunday paper resting at my feet, or if I want to go worship a "god" of sorts, I can do that. (And... this may come as a shock to some of you, but I have seriously thought about going to a service or two recently. It's not because I've suddenly "found" religion - I'm too much of a cynic for that - but perhaps I DON'T know every side of the story, and I should make it my business to find out. A questioner, in my mind, leaves no stone unturned to find their truth, even if it might be distasteful to some.)
Anyhow, what it boils down to is that I feel 100 percent better this morning. Sure, it would be nice to have family and friends around me during this time of the year - but in the end, this is going to be what I make of it. Someday I might meet someone, or several someones, that I can consider "family" or "friends". But in the meantime, I'm calm with myself. I'm still learning, you see, to be okay with my own company. And I think I'm doing better with that right now than I ever have previously. For the most part, I've been somewhat contented. I'm healing. I can feel it.
My debt is nearly completely paid off. I have a little short of a thousand dollars left, but that'll be nothing to take care of, considering that I dumped nearly ten grand off of the cards. I estimate that everything will be finally paid completely off by February, March at the very latest, if I keep to my original goal, which I intend to do. I still have my massive mortgage, of course, and my student loans - but they consider that "good debt". That's fine. I can live with that. I have a plan to go full-steam ahead on the mortgage once everything is paid off and I have what I need to have - I don't really want to be almost 70 years old before I can get this house paid up. Ditto with the student loans.
One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't get started on this shit sooner - like right out of high school. I guess that I was too immature, as most 18 year olds tend to be, to consider these things, and it doesn't help that I've been suffering from undiagnosed depression all that time, either. But there's no point in looking back and regretting things, because it's a waste of energy and it does nothing to fix the situation you're in now, you know what I'm saying?
Apparently, Sunday is a day to be contemplative, too. :)
Therapy today. I'm in need of a session, since I missed last week due to the exams and studying, bleh blah. I did get a B in the biology course. The web design course, unknown, though I know I did pass it. I just tried to run my degree progress report through the school's website, but they're making upgrades to it and it won't be available until tonight. Bluh. Oh, well. But in any case, I did pass my other two courses, so that's all right.
So now I'm rambling, heh. I think I should get more coffee at this point and sign off, but... yeah, I think I'm feeling better.
Pretty sure, anyway.
03 December 2010
Happy thoughts.
The school semester is beginning to wind down, which for me is a profound relief. If there's one thing that I've learned from the past couple of months, it's not to take a biology course in tandem with a web design course. Ugh - what a pain in the ass it's been. I really don't know how well I'm going to do in either of these courses. I think I'll be all right with the biology, but the web design is touchy. It doesn't really matter, of course, as it's not required to obtain my degree. But I hate to think that I've wasted any time (as well as money, ugh). It has sparked a bit of an interest in CSS, though, and I may apply what I've learned toward redoing the entire design of this blog. I'd like to work on that, piecemeal, as I can. But I'll have to fit that in along with everything else I've been trying to do. It's been exhausting, to say the least.
I haven't been sleeping very well this week, not since Thanksgiving Day. It's not because of any underlying health problem or because I'm depressed - that's not it. I think it's just a matter of being totally thrown off schedule. It's funny, but you never realize how structured your life is (or can be) until your routine is completely interrupted. I've discovered that I rather like routine, something that shocks me, because I never really thought that was true about myself. I've made a lot of self-discoveries, though, in the last year, and I suspect that I'm on the brink of a lot more.
My tax credit money showed up this week. Lots to do now, I think. I'm paying off most, if not all, of my credit card bills with it, and now I can start with a clean slate - by Monday at the latest (I'm headed to the bank tomorrow, but they'll need a day or two to process everything). Then my creditors will be in for a rude shock, because I'm paying off the entire bill - they can suck it. The only bills I want now are my mortgage, my school loans, and the bill for the TempurPedic bed that I'm going to get (and yes, I'm going to have to finance that, we're looking at thousands of dollars - but it's worth it if I can sleep decently). Indeed, possibilities have now opened up far and wide. I'm looking forward to it, because now I can begin what's left of the rest of my life.
It's a little frightening to think about how far I've come in the last 2 years - never mind in the last 5. I really try not to stress over it, though, because as we know, stress is my enemy.
I'm doing a lot better, a HELL of a lot better, now than I was this time last year, in almost every way possible. The holidays are actually not affecting me, not the way that they did, anyhow. If I were to go away for a short trip this year I think I would actually be able to handle it mentally, but I believe I'll be staying home and just enjoying the quiet and the solitude. I was even thinking about buying some holiday decorations for the house - garland for the railing, candles in the windows, that sort of thing. Probably too late to do it now, but once everything goes on sale after Christmas, I may consider it. This is a far, far cry from sitting on a beach in Ocean City and thinking about doing myself in. This is progress!
Still, I'm cautious. I've said this so many times before. I've gotten my hopes up, only to have them not dashed, but steamrolled. But I'm staying as positive as I can.
I'd like to know when the epiphany happened, though. Or exactly what switch flipped inside of my head so that I'm no longer the sick, broken person I used to be. Because I'd destroy that switch so that it could never, ever flip back.
Ah, I'm rambling at this point and I need to open up the lab in a few minutes. But I wanted to just share my good feelings this morning, as it's relatively rare and I know that those of you who still bother to read this thing enjoy them so.
More later.
I haven't been sleeping very well this week, not since Thanksgiving Day. It's not because of any underlying health problem or because I'm depressed - that's not it. I think it's just a matter of being totally thrown off schedule. It's funny, but you never realize how structured your life is (or can be) until your routine is completely interrupted. I've discovered that I rather like routine, something that shocks me, because I never really thought that was true about myself. I've made a lot of self-discoveries, though, in the last year, and I suspect that I'm on the brink of a lot more.
My tax credit money showed up this week. Lots to do now, I think. I'm paying off most, if not all, of my credit card bills with it, and now I can start with a clean slate - by Monday at the latest (I'm headed to the bank tomorrow, but they'll need a day or two to process everything). Then my creditors will be in for a rude shock, because I'm paying off the entire bill - they can suck it. The only bills I want now are my mortgage, my school loans, and the bill for the TempurPedic bed that I'm going to get (and yes, I'm going to have to finance that, we're looking at thousands of dollars - but it's worth it if I can sleep decently). Indeed, possibilities have now opened up far and wide. I'm looking forward to it, because now I can begin what's left of the rest of my life.
It's a little frightening to think about how far I've come in the last 2 years - never mind in the last 5. I really try not to stress over it, though, because as we know, stress is my enemy.
I'm doing a lot better, a HELL of a lot better, now than I was this time last year, in almost every way possible. The holidays are actually not affecting me, not the way that they did, anyhow. If I were to go away for a short trip this year I think I would actually be able to handle it mentally, but I believe I'll be staying home and just enjoying the quiet and the solitude. I was even thinking about buying some holiday decorations for the house - garland for the railing, candles in the windows, that sort of thing. Probably too late to do it now, but once everything goes on sale after Christmas, I may consider it. This is a far, far cry from sitting on a beach in Ocean City and thinking about doing myself in. This is progress!
Still, I'm cautious. I've said this so many times before. I've gotten my hopes up, only to have them not dashed, but steamrolled. But I'm staying as positive as I can.
I'd like to know when the epiphany happened, though. Or exactly what switch flipped inside of my head so that I'm no longer the sick, broken person I used to be. Because I'd destroy that switch so that it could never, ever flip back.
Ah, I'm rambling at this point and I need to open up the lab in a few minutes. But I wanted to just share my good feelings this morning, as it's relatively rare and I know that those of you who still bother to read this thing enjoy them so.
More later.
30 November 2010
Starting to feel the exhaustion.
It's strange, but I find that when the depression was much worse than it is now, I actually had a better grip on things as far as school and work and juggling schedules were concerned. Now that I'm not feeling as badly anymore, it's all starting to crash down onto my shoulders. I have been so freaking tired lately, and I can't figure out why. My grades are definitely starting to slip - I received a C on my last biology paper, which for me is not usual. But what I've noticed is that I'm actually beginning not to stress over a low grade - Jesus, who cares when I can barely hold my head up at the end of a workday?
Lots of bad news coming from that quarter, by the way. No, my job is fine - trust me, as long as there's drugs in the nation's capital I will always have a job, heh - but I'm losing a couple of key benefits at the end of the year, mainly the cost of living increase (it's been frozen for the next two years - I'm sure you've heard about it by now, and if you haven't, go here) and the reduction of my transit benefit. The pay freeze doesn't really bother me, to be honest - I'm willing as a federal worker to do my part and it's not like I'm missing it, anyway. But I am upset about my transit benefit, because the cost of my ticket is going to double - and that's an expense I can ill afford right now. Unfortunately, there's really nothing I can do but roll with it and try to make things work. Methinks it may be time to sell off a few things again.
And people think the Federal government pays so well. Hah! If only they knew!
Tuesday again. Coming off of a double shift from last night. How the fuck do I manage to keep going? Seriously, just...how? I am exhausted, in more ways than one. I'm counting down the days to December 15th when I can get my stupid exams out of the way and then take OFF from school altogether until June. I can't wait for that. Maybe by then I'll have the tax credit done (so they keep telling me, anyway), pay off these damned bills that are still on my back, finally get this house together after nearly a year of living in stark emptiness. Wouldn't that be nice, right?
Meh. I just want this day over with. I'll deal with the rest later.
Cheers.
Lots of bad news coming from that quarter, by the way. No, my job is fine - trust me, as long as there's drugs in the nation's capital I will always have a job, heh - but I'm losing a couple of key benefits at the end of the year, mainly the cost of living increase (it's been frozen for the next two years - I'm sure you've heard about it by now, and if you haven't, go here) and the reduction of my transit benefit. The pay freeze doesn't really bother me, to be honest - I'm willing as a federal worker to do my part and it's not like I'm missing it, anyway. But I am upset about my transit benefit, because the cost of my ticket is going to double - and that's an expense I can ill afford right now. Unfortunately, there's really nothing I can do but roll with it and try to make things work. Methinks it may be time to sell off a few things again.
And people think the Federal government pays so well. Hah! If only they knew!
Tuesday again. Coming off of a double shift from last night. How the fuck do I manage to keep going? Seriously, just...how? I am exhausted, in more ways than one. I'm counting down the days to December 15th when I can get my stupid exams out of the way and then take OFF from school altogether until June. I can't wait for that. Maybe by then I'll have the tax credit done (so they keep telling me, anyway), pay off these damned bills that are still on my back, finally get this house together after nearly a year of living in stark emptiness. Wouldn't that be nice, right?
Meh. I just want this day over with. I'll deal with the rest later.
Cheers.
14 November 2010
Better!
I've been feeling kind of shit the last few days - I think that I had a mild depressive attack - but it's starting to dissipate and though I'm still tired (as is always the case afterward), things are starting to pick up again. I'm a bit excited because I'm finally starting to understand the concepts of CSS, which is great news for me. I'll finally be able to do more with this blog, if I choose to, than this simple little design that I've got up here now. Oh, it's not terrible - I've seen much worse than what's on this blog, but I really want to be able to make this more "interactive", I suppose. A bit more personal, perhaps. I've seen some really nice-looking sites, and I want to be able to design in that manner. It's obvious that straight HTML is so 90's, heh.
Also, I'll be coming into a little money from the award ceremonies this week. It's not a huge amount, and it's not nearly enough to get everything I need, but it's a good start. I was thinking about buying a dishwasher with some of it. Gah, I'm so lazy, but I'll admit it - I hate doing dishes, hate hate hate hate it. Not too good of a situation for someone who likes to cook, now is it?
I've thought about a Kindle, as well. Or another vacation somewhere. I don't know. What I really should do is pay bills with it, but it's not going to be enough to clear out what I want to clear out, and I really just need too much right now. I wish that I had enough to buy a bed, but alas... not to be.
The tax credit still hasn't shown up. We're now going into the 28th week of waiting. That's right - 28 weeks, otherwise known as 7 months. I've pretty much given up hope that I'll ever receive it. It's a good thing that I'm almost used to this sofa now, though if I ever get to buy the bed I'll have a hard time adjusting to that. Sigh.
I should be in bed now - it's after 1am - but I don't know, I've been sleeping a LOT recently, and it's been worrying me. I had a rare Thursday off last week and I literally spent all of it sleeping. As well as all of Friday night - from 7pm to nearly 9am this morning. That seriously worries me, this sleeping 12 and 14 hours a day. It's reminiscent of what I used to do when I was seriously depressed and sick. I hope that this isn't a sign of it coming back.
Also, I'll be coming into a little money from the award ceremonies this week. It's not a huge amount, and it's not nearly enough to get everything I need, but it's a good start. I was thinking about buying a dishwasher with some of it. Gah, I'm so lazy, but I'll admit it - I hate doing dishes, hate hate hate hate it. Not too good of a situation for someone who likes to cook, now is it?
I've thought about a Kindle, as well. Or another vacation somewhere. I don't know. What I really should do is pay bills with it, but it's not going to be enough to clear out what I want to clear out, and I really just need too much right now. I wish that I had enough to buy a bed, but alas... not to be.
The tax credit still hasn't shown up. We're now going into the 28th week of waiting. That's right - 28 weeks, otherwise known as 7 months. I've pretty much given up hope that I'll ever receive it. It's a good thing that I'm almost used to this sofa now, though if I ever get to buy the bed I'll have a hard time adjusting to that. Sigh.
I should be in bed now - it's after 1am - but I don't know, I've been sleeping a LOT recently, and it's been worrying me. I had a rare Thursday off last week and I literally spent all of it sleeping. As well as all of Friday night - from 7pm to nearly 9am this morning. That seriously worries me, this sleeping 12 and 14 hours a day. It's reminiscent of what I used to do when I was seriously depressed and sick. I hope that this isn't a sign of it coming back.
14 July 2010
.....
Not really feeling much like writing, but I'm forcing myself to, if only to give myself a rope to hang onto while I'm feeling down. I'm seriously trying to hold on. A lot of things haven't been going right, but that's par for the course, or so it seems.
The 8k tax credit that I'm supposed to be getting? Well, the amended return has now, as of Monday, landed in the IRS's "examination unit" - which basically means audit. Great. I can more or less kiss that money goodbye, because they ALWAYS find something wrong. I haven't been dishonest in the least about my taxes - can't afford to be, I work for the gubmint, for fuck's sake - but they'll find something wrong and they'll take all of the tax credit, or a partial amount. I'll bet you eight thousand dollars, hah hah. (sour sigh)
I'm looking for therapy again. I can't deal with the feelings that I've been having as of late, and the attacks are starting to come again, now at an alarming rate. I could barely keep it together at work today. Not a good sign, just not good. I've found one place that might be able to work with my fucked-up hours, but they're religious in nature and I'm a little (no, make that a LOT) leery of it. Still.. what have I got to lose anymore? If it takes swallowing a bunch of crap rhetoric to make me whole again, I'll swallow it AND like it. I'm sick of this. I am sick of being sick, tired of being tired.
I'm also scheduling an appointment with my primary doctor to get a workup. I also think there's something (no, a lot of things) physically wrong with me. I don't know what else I can go through that's worse than what I already have been. Again - what have I got to lose?
We lost another lead tech today at work. That's the second one in 4 months. They're never going to get anyone to willingly fill that position, it's too much work and too little compensation. The ex-manager I had is now branch chief (a good thing) and we have a new manager, who's nice.. but never there. Basically right now we're lawless, and it's not boding well for any of us. I liked the last lead tech because she whipped these assholes into shape. Not now. She left today, and it was sad to see the smile on her face as she was sailing out the door. They gave her utter fucking hell and I'll be the first one to say it - they treated her like crap. It's no wonder she didn't want to stay. Now? God, it's going to be rough.
No developments on the Eye Candy front. I've actually been going out of my way to avoid him, to be honest, because he sees me at my worst and I don't even want to try to impress him. I don't care what he or anyone else thinks. Fuck 'em all.
Classes going okay, I guess. Like everything else, I've given up caring. I fail these? Fuck it, what's the difference, I owe a shit-ton of money now in school loans, so what difference does it make if I fail? It's another thousand on top of more thousands. It doesn't matter. I'll be fucking fifty years old before I get that degree anyway, the way things are going. What good will it do me then?
Sorry. It's a downbeat post. I don't care. I AM downbeat, depressed, sad, overwhelmingly lonely and damned close to feeling suicidal again. What's the difference? What does anything matter anymore?
I have no one to tell me that it's going to be all right. No one. And even if I did, I don't know that I could ever believe it....
God, help me survive this endless fucking darkness...
The 8k tax credit that I'm supposed to be getting? Well, the amended return has now, as of Monday, landed in the IRS's "examination unit" - which basically means audit. Great. I can more or less kiss that money goodbye, because they ALWAYS find something wrong. I haven't been dishonest in the least about my taxes - can't afford to be, I work for the gubmint, for fuck's sake - but they'll find something wrong and they'll take all of the tax credit, or a partial amount. I'll bet you eight thousand dollars, hah hah. (sour sigh)
I'm looking for therapy again. I can't deal with the feelings that I've been having as of late, and the attacks are starting to come again, now at an alarming rate. I could barely keep it together at work today. Not a good sign, just not good. I've found one place that might be able to work with my fucked-up hours, but they're religious in nature and I'm a little (no, make that a LOT) leery of it. Still.. what have I got to lose anymore? If it takes swallowing a bunch of crap rhetoric to make me whole again, I'll swallow it AND like it. I'm sick of this. I am sick of being sick, tired of being tired.
I'm also scheduling an appointment with my primary doctor to get a workup. I also think there's something (no, a lot of things) physically wrong with me. I don't know what else I can go through that's worse than what I already have been. Again - what have I got to lose?
We lost another lead tech today at work. That's the second one in 4 months. They're never going to get anyone to willingly fill that position, it's too much work and too little compensation. The ex-manager I had is now branch chief (a good thing) and we have a new manager, who's nice.. but never there. Basically right now we're lawless, and it's not boding well for any of us. I liked the last lead tech because she whipped these assholes into shape. Not now. She left today, and it was sad to see the smile on her face as she was sailing out the door. They gave her utter fucking hell and I'll be the first one to say it - they treated her like crap. It's no wonder she didn't want to stay. Now? God, it's going to be rough.
No developments on the Eye Candy front. I've actually been going out of my way to avoid him, to be honest, because he sees me at my worst and I don't even want to try to impress him. I don't care what he or anyone else thinks. Fuck 'em all.
Classes going okay, I guess. Like everything else, I've given up caring. I fail these? Fuck it, what's the difference, I owe a shit-ton of money now in school loans, so what difference does it make if I fail? It's another thousand on top of more thousands. It doesn't matter. I'll be fucking fifty years old before I get that degree anyway, the way things are going. What good will it do me then?
Sorry. It's a downbeat post. I don't care. I AM downbeat, depressed, sad, overwhelmingly lonely and damned close to feeling suicidal again. What's the difference? What does anything matter anymore?
I have no one to tell me that it's going to be all right. No one. And even if I did, I don't know that I could ever believe it....
God, help me survive this endless fucking darkness...
30 April 2010
Today's the day.
In a few hours, I'm going to owe more money than I ever have in my entire life. God help me.
If you're still reading this (and I'm not too sure if anyone is anymore), wish me luck, I beg of you, because I'm going to need it.
If you're still reading this (and I'm not too sure if anyone is anymore), wish me luck, I beg of you, because I'm going to need it.
11 April 2010
Slowly getting used to the idea.
Now that some of the legwork in purchasing the house is done, I'm slowly beginning to adjust to the fact that in a couple of weeks, if things go right, I'll be a home owner. The only thing that I have to wait on at this point is for the seller to make a few minor repairs (that he's agreed to), and the appraisal. The appraisal is the big one, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it except for wait - so that's what I'm doing, and I'm not stressing over it. If it comes in high or breaking even, that's bully for me. If it comes in low, that's too bad for the seller, because he'll either have to lower the price (which I bet he wouldn't), or I walk away from the whole thing. Apparently, it's the way the RE game works. But my agent said that it's very, very, VERY unlikely that it'll appraise for less than what he's asking, because he's done too much to it in renovations - it'll go for way above what he paid for it.
And so I wait. Again. But I'm not killing myself over it. The hard part is done now. I don't have to think about it anymore until I get a call saying it's all clear.
I've already half spent the 8000 dollar tax credit in my mind, heh. Half of it will pay off the rest of my credit card bill - that'll be all over and done with, and I'll be glad for that. The other half, eh, probably sock some away in an emergency fund. Some of it to pay for the new washer/dryer I have to get now - the area has no laundromat facilities and I wouldn't want to haul my clothes down to it if it DID have one. (I am so fucking lazy it's not funny, heh.) I'll see what I'm going to do, I don't know. There's a lot going on. And a lot to think about. I'm already half "improving" the place in my own head, which I think is a good sign - it shows that I'm committed to this. It's time. Definitely so.
I haven't really done much this weekend. A lot of homework. My exams are next week. I'm ready for the information systems one. The math, well. We'll see, though I don't hold much hope. I'm STILL pulling an A in everything - for right now. But we'll see. My crim final paper is due next Saturday, too, but that won't be too hard. I already have an idea in my head of how to approach that. Term papers have never been an issue for me. I can dash them out in no time flat. It's the math and science bullshit I can't wrap my head around.
Otherwise, nothing doing. I should be packing - but no boxes. I'm looking around to see what I can find, but most likely, knowing myself, I'll be lazy as usual and buy them from Squallmart or something.
By the way, this is the washer/dryer I've got my heart set on. Nice, yeah? There was a time where I couldn't even begin to dream to afford that. Now look at me.
Goddamn. You know I'm getting old when I get excited about buying home appliances, lol.
More news as it develops.
And so I wait. Again. But I'm not killing myself over it. The hard part is done now. I don't have to think about it anymore until I get a call saying it's all clear.
I've already half spent the 8000 dollar tax credit in my mind, heh. Half of it will pay off the rest of my credit card bill - that'll be all over and done with, and I'll be glad for that. The other half, eh, probably sock some away in an emergency fund. Some of it to pay for the new washer/dryer I have to get now - the area has no laundromat facilities and I wouldn't want to haul my clothes down to it if it DID have one. (I am so fucking lazy it's not funny, heh.) I'll see what I'm going to do, I don't know. There's a lot going on. And a lot to think about. I'm already half "improving" the place in my own head, which I think is a good sign - it shows that I'm committed to this. It's time. Definitely so.
I haven't really done much this weekend. A lot of homework. My exams are next week. I'm ready for the information systems one. The math, well. We'll see, though I don't hold much hope. I'm STILL pulling an A in everything - for right now. But we'll see. My crim final paper is due next Saturday, too, but that won't be too hard. I already have an idea in my head of how to approach that. Term papers have never been an issue for me. I can dash them out in no time flat. It's the math and science bullshit I can't wrap my head around.
Otherwise, nothing doing. I should be packing - but no boxes. I'm looking around to see what I can find, but most likely, knowing myself, I'll be lazy as usual and buy them from Squallmart or something.
By the way, this is the washer/dryer I've got my heart set on. Nice, yeah? There was a time where I couldn't even begin to dream to afford that. Now look at me.
Goddamn. You know I'm getting old when I get excited about buying home appliances, lol.
More news as it develops.
22 March 2010
Ugh, under so much stress.
The past couple of days have been hectic, what with looking at houses, haggling with mortgage brokers, endless phone calls... but I've found the house that I want. Unfortunately, I've found out that there'll be a steep price for it - so far the deal is, I spend 125k on it, and keep my payments JUST above 950 a month. Sigh. The thing is, that's how much I'd have to cough up for an apartment, anyway, so why not just do it. But I made it clear that I can't go above 950, there's no way in hell I can do it, so... if they want a quick sale, they've got it, if they agree to my terms. My RE agent seems to think they will. But as usual, the nay-sayer in me thinks not.
I knew going in that buying a house would be stressful. I did it once before, when I was married, and there was a fuckload of trouble when that was going on. The deal was held up for months over something about "easements", whatever the fuck that means - but it did end up happening, eventually. This is no different, and in truth I think it'll go a fuck of a lot quicker than the Still Road house did. But, still. It's just nerve-wracking.
This is sort of why I didn't want to do this now. But I'm actually surprised with how well I've held up throughout all of this. I did nearly have a crying spell when I found out about the 950 dollar payments, though. Thing is... I spend 50 dollars a week alone on coffee and breakfast and entertainment, etc. I can cut that out with no problem, it's money wasted really. 200 dollars a month, I can cover that extra bit, and I can always get a second job if things get really tight.
Where there's a will... well, you know the rest.
And the house is in Seton Hill, which has always been a really nice neighborhood. It's in move-in condition. The others I looked at were, quite frankly, either dumps or not suited to my needs for whatever reason. This one is perfect. I don't want to let it get away.
I give the RE guy a thousand dollars tonight as "good faith deposit" money. This is the start of it. I just hope that it finishes to my satisfaction.
Off to a work meeting now, but I'll definitely keep all posted.
I knew going in that buying a house would be stressful. I did it once before, when I was married, and there was a fuckload of trouble when that was going on. The deal was held up for months over something about "easements", whatever the fuck that means - but it did end up happening, eventually. This is no different, and in truth I think it'll go a fuck of a lot quicker than the Still Road house did. But, still. It's just nerve-wracking.
This is sort of why I didn't want to do this now. But I'm actually surprised with how well I've held up throughout all of this. I did nearly have a crying spell when I found out about the 950 dollar payments, though. Thing is... I spend 50 dollars a week alone on coffee and breakfast and entertainment, etc. I can cut that out with no problem, it's money wasted really. 200 dollars a month, I can cover that extra bit, and I can always get a second job if things get really tight.
Where there's a will... well, you know the rest.
And the house is in Seton Hill, which has always been a really nice neighborhood. It's in move-in condition. The others I looked at were, quite frankly, either dumps or not suited to my needs for whatever reason. This one is perfect. I don't want to let it get away.
I give the RE guy a thousand dollars tonight as "good faith deposit" money. This is the start of it. I just hope that it finishes to my satisfaction.
Off to a work meeting now, but I'll definitely keep all posted.
11 February 2010
A mish-mash of jumbled thoughts all wrapped into one pretty package.
I've been snowed in over here for the last week. Haven't had to work or deal with drug addicts or urine for nearly 7 days now. However, during the course of this massive storm, I've had to check every day for the operating status of the gubmint - there's a special website we go to in order to know whether we're open or closed - and in the course of reading several federal-related blogs, I've come across sentiments like these below:
"Those of us who work for a living are honored to support your lazy butt staying in bed...it isn't as if you woulda done anything had you been there!
Yep, what we need is bigger Government!"
(Taken from The Federal Eye, 2/10/09)
Or...
"The federal workers who had a day off today should have been required to shovel snow."
Or this little gem here...
"The Federal Government -- great "work" (and I'm using that term very loosely-- if you can get it. For us poor schmucks out in the occupied provinces who have to pick up the tab, it's not so good."
Okay. This is all I've got to say about this bullshit above -
1.) I'd telework if I could do so, but it's a little difficult taking urine over the Internet. If anyone's got a way to do this, bring it on and let me know, because I'd have rather worked than spent this entire week snowbound at home. It's not like I could get out of my house, anyway.
2.) The Washington Metro subway isn't running. Neither are the MARC trains. What do people expect me to do, walk from Baltimore? It's not happening. I can't even get down to Calvert Street, never mind D.C. If the public transportation doesn't run, neither do I. You tell me what to do, should I hang on to the back of a fucking snowplow?
3.) If you had to work all this week in a snowstorm, blame your employer - not me. I don't set your hours. If it were up to me, I'd let everyone have a free week off, pay you, the whole deal. This wasn't a vacation for me. I spent 3 out of the last 7 days going stir fucking crazy in this house - I know I've had at least one depressive attack, if not more. So as far as I'm concerned, those who are complaining can shove it up their asses.
This has been the biggest snowstorm.. well, ever. This is unprecedented. We here in Baltimore/D.C. are not used to this bullshit, this isn't Minnesota. People should not expect us to know what to do in a situation like this, because it's never happened. We just have no clue about how to cope.
In other news... I'm upset about my checking account. Some company on the Internet decided to pluck my debit card number out of thin air and run 320 dollars' worth of charges on my account. That was pretty much my entire paycheck for the next 2 weeks, so I'm needless to say furious. I've disputed the charges, of course, but since this is my checking account, I literally have no money until the next payday. In some ways, I'm lucky that I didn't have to work this week, because I'd be in serious trouble if I had. My debit card is my lifeline, literally, and the fact that I had to cancel it, that is also a source of fury. I knew that number backward and forward to the point where I didn't even need the actual card itself. Now I have to memorize a whole new number - good luck with that.
I'm working it out, but in the meantime I'm fucked. I will say one thing - do not, do not, do not do any business with a place called Digital River - they're somewhere in the wilds of fucking Minnesota. Apparently they handle some antivirus shit. I don't need such services, so I know damned well these charges are unfuckingauthorized. But I'll get it taken care of. I've reported them to the BBB, too. Let's see how they enjoy that little piece of news.
I did, however, pay off a good chunk of my debts this week. I'm not sure of how much credit-to-debit ratio I have now, but I know it's under 40%. That's good. That's VERY good.
Anyway, hopefully they'll clear these streets up soon so I can get out of here for a while. I don't really want to go back to work, but if they do call open tomorrow, it'll be okay - it's Friday. Won't be much going on.
No word on the crim grades yet. Doing well in the math course, surprisingly. And the IFSM is disgustingly easy. So far.
Okay, that's it for now. Nothing else doing.
"Those of us who work for a living are honored to support your lazy butt staying in bed...it isn't as if you woulda done anything had you been there!
Yep, what we need is bigger Government!"
(Taken from The Federal Eye, 2/10/09)
Or...
"The federal workers who had a day off today should have been required to shovel snow."
Or this little gem here...
"The Federal Government -- great "work" (and I'm using that term very loosely-- if you can get it. For us poor schmucks out in the occupied provinces who have to pick up the tab, it's not so good."
Okay. This is all I've got to say about this bullshit above -
1.) I'd telework if I could do so, but it's a little difficult taking urine over the Internet. If anyone's got a way to do this, bring it on and let me know, because I'd have rather worked than spent this entire week snowbound at home. It's not like I could get out of my house, anyway.
2.) The Washington Metro subway isn't running. Neither are the MARC trains. What do people expect me to do, walk from Baltimore? It's not happening. I can't even get down to Calvert Street, never mind D.C. If the public transportation doesn't run, neither do I. You tell me what to do, should I hang on to the back of a fucking snowplow?
3.) If you had to work all this week in a snowstorm, blame your employer - not me. I don't set your hours. If it were up to me, I'd let everyone have a free week off, pay you, the whole deal. This wasn't a vacation for me. I spent 3 out of the last 7 days going stir fucking crazy in this house - I know I've had at least one depressive attack, if not more. So as far as I'm concerned, those who are complaining can shove it up their asses.
This has been the biggest snowstorm.. well, ever. This is unprecedented. We here in Baltimore/D.C. are not used to this bullshit, this isn't Minnesota. People should not expect us to know what to do in a situation like this, because it's never happened. We just have no clue about how to cope.
In other news... I'm upset about my checking account. Some company on the Internet decided to pluck my debit card number out of thin air and run 320 dollars' worth of charges on my account. That was pretty much my entire paycheck for the next 2 weeks, so I'm needless to say furious. I've disputed the charges, of course, but since this is my checking account, I literally have no money until the next payday. In some ways, I'm lucky that I didn't have to work this week, because I'd be in serious trouble if I had. My debit card is my lifeline, literally, and the fact that I had to cancel it, that is also a source of fury. I knew that number backward and forward to the point where I didn't even need the actual card itself. Now I have to memorize a whole new number - good luck with that.
I'm working it out, but in the meantime I'm fucked. I will say one thing - do not, do not, do not do any business with a place called Digital River - they're somewhere in the wilds of fucking Minnesota. Apparently they handle some antivirus shit. I don't need such services, so I know damned well these charges are unfuckingauthorized. But I'll get it taken care of. I've reported them to the BBB, too. Let's see how they enjoy that little piece of news.
I did, however, pay off a good chunk of my debts this week. I'm not sure of how much credit-to-debit ratio I have now, but I know it's under 40%. That's good. That's VERY good.
Anyway, hopefully they'll clear these streets up soon so I can get out of here for a while. I don't really want to go back to work, but if they do call open tomorrow, it'll be okay - it's Friday. Won't be much going on.
No word on the crim grades yet. Doing well in the math course, surprisingly. And the IFSM is disgustingly easy. So far.
Okay, that's it for now. Nothing else doing.
07 February 2010
Ack, snowed in.
I haven't been at work since Thursday evening, but that's good in a way. I've been relaxing, doing a bit of schoolwork, just getting things together. It's been a nice change of pace. I don't have work tomorrow, either, as the gubmint's closed.
I've been paying off my debt at a phenomenal rate. I just got rid of over 1500 dollars' worth of debt this weekend, and I'm on a roll to dump even more. My primary concern is getting those FICO scores up and my credit in good shape - I am determined to buy that house I want. Maybe not right away - I'm actually thinking about waiting for 7 years now as opposed to the 2 I was planning on - but it'll happen. In the meantime, I'm looking at houses in neighborhoods that I'm interested in. Again, the old waiting game. But I'm willing to play along, at least for now. My previous comment about Suze Orman, I take that back. I've read a lot of websites in the last few days that don't think too much of her strategies. Also, the fact that Oprah Winfrey endorses her doesn't say much in my opinion, either.
I haven't been around or written much because there's really not much to write about. Nothing's happened, good or bad. I've noticed that the attacks have dwindled to nearly nothing, and that's a very good sign, but I still don't consider myself out of the woods just yet. The last attack was about two weeks ago. I'm waiting on it to come again. We'll see.
I've noticed that staying away from certain people and places has greatly helped toward alleviating and discouraging further depressive episodes. This is very good, and I plan on remaining away from such situations. Unfortunately, my social life has again dwindled to nothing - but in some ways, it's really not that much of a loss, as I've never been a "people person" to begin with. I guess there's time to make new friends... at least maybe I'll try to. I don't know. Hard to do when you think most people are idiots, I guess.
The city is quiet tonight, thanks to the snowstorm making people unable to drive. I like it. I wish it was like this more often.
Anyhow, that's all for now, I suppose. Things are steady. I guess that's all I can ask for.
I've been paying off my debt at a phenomenal rate. I just got rid of over 1500 dollars' worth of debt this weekend, and I'm on a roll to dump even more. My primary concern is getting those FICO scores up and my credit in good shape - I am determined to buy that house I want. Maybe not right away - I'm actually thinking about waiting for 7 years now as opposed to the 2 I was planning on - but it'll happen. In the meantime, I'm looking at houses in neighborhoods that I'm interested in. Again, the old waiting game. But I'm willing to play along, at least for now. My previous comment about Suze Orman, I take that back. I've read a lot of websites in the last few days that don't think too much of her strategies. Also, the fact that Oprah Winfrey endorses her doesn't say much in my opinion, either.
I haven't been around or written much because there's really not much to write about. Nothing's happened, good or bad. I've noticed that the attacks have dwindled to nearly nothing, and that's a very good sign, but I still don't consider myself out of the woods just yet. The last attack was about two weeks ago. I'm waiting on it to come again. We'll see.
I've noticed that staying away from certain people and places has greatly helped toward alleviating and discouraging further depressive episodes. This is very good, and I plan on remaining away from such situations. Unfortunately, my social life has again dwindled to nothing - but in some ways, it's really not that much of a loss, as I've never been a "people person" to begin with. I guess there's time to make new friends... at least maybe I'll try to. I don't know. Hard to do when you think most people are idiots, I guess.
The city is quiet tonight, thanks to the snowstorm making people unable to drive. I like it. I wish it was like this more often.
Anyhow, that's all for now, I suppose. Things are steady. I guess that's all I can ask for.
31 December 2009
The usual expected end-of-year post.
So, this is the part where I'm supposed to either rant or rave about how sucky/great 2009 was, right?
In truth, I don't think I really need to do that, as it's again all laid out for you on the blog if you care to go back and have a look. Were there any highlights for me? Honestly, there weren't - but neither were there any serious setbacks. I think this past year has been what I call a "transition" year.
I haven't made as much progress on my health, either physical or mental, as I would have liked. I am "better" mentally, though not where I'd like to be. And physically? Bleh, that's gone straight to hell, so I need to really focus on that this upcoming year. I'm fast approaching 38 now (God... really? ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh) and if I want any chance of avoiding the inherited family health difficulties, I need to get cracking on that. It might already be too late, to be honest. But I need to try, so.. that's a priority.
I haven't made much progress on my financial situation, either, though I've started a goodish savings account and I'm going to pay off what I can in 2010. I really want to be in the position where I'll be able to buy a house by the time I'm 40. I don't know where I'll go or what kind of place I want yet, but that's not important right now, as I'm not ready for it anyway. 2010 is the year to "get my shit together", I guess I'll say. But I really want to be in better financial shape than I am right now.
Career-wise, I'm doing a lot better. I don't necessarily like my job, and I don't want to take urine for the rest of my life (Jesus, no, heh), but I'm settled in and to a point where I'm riding the job instead of it riding me. We desperately need more staff, as we're short-handed (the last two Tuesdays and Thursdays have nearly been the end of me, I'm not kidding), but they say it's coming. I've heard that one before, heh.
Personally? A write-off. I haven't been paying much attention to relationships or anything of the sort. Now is not the time for that. I have too much going on with other issues to deal with such things, and I have a feeling that 2010 will also be the same as far as that's concerned. I'm just not ready mentally, physically, any of it. I might never be at this rate, but... it's important for me to get everything else straightened out before I can focus on the wretched state of my personal life, heh. Some things that I have had previous difficulties with are starting to resolve themselves, and that's a very good thing...but I'm just not ready.
I don't do "resolutions". It's a pointless waste of time and it only encourages one to fail. I prefer to think of them as loose long-term goals for myself. That doesn't sound so bad, maybe.
This time last year I was alone on New Year's Eve and curled up on my couch watching television. It'll be the same again this year, but hopefully I won't start 2010 depressed and having another attack. I really have been starting to feel better in the last couple of days, so let's hope for the best.
I have discovered an awesome little online community for the depressed and suicidal, so that has and will greatly help me. I would reveal the name of it, but... right now I kind of feel like it's my little secret "haven" from the world and all of the people that know me, so... if you really want to know, leave me a comment/mail/etc. and I'll tell you, because I wouldn't want those who need it to go without.
Second year in a row that the weather's been crap here for New Year's Eve. I don't feel bad for the idiots sitting down at the Inner Harbor waiting for the fireworks. I hope they get rained on but good, heh.
So, anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
2009 in a song? Let's see... I think this pretty much sums it up for me.
Happy new year to all.
In truth, I don't think I really need to do that, as it's again all laid out for you on the blog if you care to go back and have a look. Were there any highlights for me? Honestly, there weren't - but neither were there any serious setbacks. I think this past year has been what I call a "transition" year.
I haven't made as much progress on my health, either physical or mental, as I would have liked. I am "better" mentally, though not where I'd like to be. And physically? Bleh, that's gone straight to hell, so I need to really focus on that this upcoming year. I'm fast approaching 38 now (God... really? ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh) and if I want any chance of avoiding the inherited family health difficulties, I need to get cracking on that. It might already be too late, to be honest. But I need to try, so.. that's a priority.
I haven't made much progress on my financial situation, either, though I've started a goodish savings account and I'm going to pay off what I can in 2010. I really want to be in the position where I'll be able to buy a house by the time I'm 40. I don't know where I'll go or what kind of place I want yet, but that's not important right now, as I'm not ready for it anyway. 2010 is the year to "get my shit together", I guess I'll say. But I really want to be in better financial shape than I am right now.
Career-wise, I'm doing a lot better. I don't necessarily like my job, and I don't want to take urine for the rest of my life (Jesus, no, heh), but I'm settled in and to a point where I'm riding the job instead of it riding me. We desperately need more staff, as we're short-handed (the last two Tuesdays and Thursdays have nearly been the end of me, I'm not kidding), but they say it's coming. I've heard that one before, heh.
Personally? A write-off. I haven't been paying much attention to relationships or anything of the sort. Now is not the time for that. I have too much going on with other issues to deal with such things, and I have a feeling that 2010 will also be the same as far as that's concerned. I'm just not ready mentally, physically, any of it. I might never be at this rate, but... it's important for me to get everything else straightened out before I can focus on the wretched state of my personal life, heh. Some things that I have had previous difficulties with are starting to resolve themselves, and that's a very good thing...but I'm just not ready.
I don't do "resolutions". It's a pointless waste of time and it only encourages one to fail. I prefer to think of them as loose long-term goals for myself. That doesn't sound so bad, maybe.
This time last year I was alone on New Year's Eve and curled up on my couch watching television. It'll be the same again this year, but hopefully I won't start 2010 depressed and having another attack. I really have been starting to feel better in the last couple of days, so let's hope for the best.
I have discovered an awesome little online community for the depressed and suicidal, so that has and will greatly help me. I would reveal the name of it, but... right now I kind of feel like it's my little secret "haven" from the world and all of the people that know me, so... if you really want to know, leave me a comment/mail/etc. and I'll tell you, because I wouldn't want those who need it to go without.
Second year in a row that the weather's been crap here for New Year's Eve. I don't feel bad for the idiots sitting down at the Inner Harbor waiting for the fireworks. I hope they get rained on but good, heh.
So, anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
2009 in a song? Let's see... I think this pretty much sums it up for me.
Happy new year to all.
15 December 2009
Slowly on the mend.
The cold/flu/virus/whatever it is I had has come back, but I'm fighting it off with antibiotics and painkillers, what's left of the prescriptions that the doctor gave me. It was absolute hell waking up this morning, but the sore throat that was on fire earlier in the day has calmed down to the level of an annoyance in the background. Still, I am one miserable-feeling chick right about now. I'm hoping that I don't need to go back to the doctor and take more time off, because I don't have but 3 days' worth of sick time and they're starting to monitor these things down at work because of, apparently, "some people's excessive habits of using leave". Well, gee whiz Cholly, can we all guess who they're talking about? It surely isn't me.
Verizon's trying to hit me for a 700 dollar bill from when I disconnected the Fios in Towson. Major problem, but it won't be one much longer, because I'm disputing it. I hate this bullshit that these companies try to pull on me - first Target, now these people. I'll be damned if I'm going to get financially screwed for their fuckup. But we'll see.
Oddly, I'm calm today. I've not felt mentally well for a couple of weeks now, but today is a different story. I hope that I can get through the rest of the day, though, as it's Tuesday and the lab is, as usual, a madhouse. For once, Useless is actually helping me out though. We had a staff meeting yesterday and she was seriously called out for not assisting when needed - it felt good for a rare change that someone was sticking up for me. They've been consistently asking me if I need help, too, so... one point for me. May it continue to last.
Ocean City trip happens in 10 days. I really am looking forward to just getting away, even if it is by myself. Maybe this will be a good thing, just to take time for myself and evaluate where I am, what's going on, how I want things to be. New start, after all, the new year is coming up. It'll be time for a reflective post pretty soon, huh... not that a great deal really happened, but you know how that goes, traditional and all that bullshit.
It promises to be a busy night, so I'm closing this out for now... but I feel calmer right now than I have since Thanksgiving. It's a blessed relief.
Verizon's trying to hit me for a 700 dollar bill from when I disconnected the Fios in Towson. Major problem, but it won't be one much longer, because I'm disputing it. I hate this bullshit that these companies try to pull on me - first Target, now these people. I'll be damned if I'm going to get financially screwed for their fuckup. But we'll see.
Oddly, I'm calm today. I've not felt mentally well for a couple of weeks now, but today is a different story. I hope that I can get through the rest of the day, though, as it's Tuesday and the lab is, as usual, a madhouse. For once, Useless is actually helping me out though. We had a staff meeting yesterday and she was seriously called out for not assisting when needed - it felt good for a rare change that someone was sticking up for me. They've been consistently asking me if I need help, too, so... one point for me. May it continue to last.
Ocean City trip happens in 10 days. I really am looking forward to just getting away, even if it is by myself. Maybe this will be a good thing, just to take time for myself and evaluate where I am, what's going on, how I want things to be. New start, after all, the new year is coming up. It'll be time for a reflective post pretty soon, huh... not that a great deal really happened, but you know how that goes, traditional and all that bullshit.
It promises to be a busy night, so I'm closing this out for now... but I feel calmer right now than I have since Thanksgiving. It's a blessed relief.
26 October 2009
I've been a spendy thing as of late.
This weekend, I've added a brand new Asus U50 notebook to the current arsenal of computers that reside in my house. I bought this one to replace the Dell Inspiron that my mother "lent" me way back when, the same one that I took to Australia with me. The old Dell was quite frankly a piece of crap - she bought as cheaply as she could and it showed - and it finally gave up the ghost this past weekend. It still works, but when you have to secure the cord with duct tape in order to make it stay in, there's a problem with it as far as I'm concerned. Therefore, the Asus. So far I'm finding it a really nice piece of equipment, though Windows 7 is taking some getting used to. I must say, this is hand-holding at its best, this op system is so simple that a person with an IQ below 70 could manage it. Which means most of the population, heh...
Also: I've booked another cruise, but this time I'm going alone and I'm traveling on a different line. I've selected Carnival, I'm hoping there'll be more people there under 65, heh. I'm going to find out if the bad time that I had was really because I hate cruising, or because of the company I kept. I have a nasty feeling that it was the latter, because I'm already somewhat excited about this, way more than I was for the other cruise. It's not for another year, though, so it's waaaay off. But I'm looking forward to it. This one's to the Bahamas, a place I've never been. I meant it when I said I was going to travel for a bit before I "settled down", and now's the time to do it. I'm also planning on going to Europe at one point next year, as well as possibly going back to Australia - though I don't know if I can swing that either financially or time-off wise. We'll see.
Other than spending a fuckload of money recently, there's really nothing new to report. Work sucks as usual, but it's not sucking any more than normal. Life is okay. I'm not really overly excited about much, but at the same time, things aren't going terribly, either. I guess that I'm just sort of... waiting for what's going to come up, be it positive or negative. Maybe that's a bad thing, just... waiting. But isn't that what we all do, really? Some just don't put a label on it. Sometimes I do wish my life were more exciting, though, but I'm aware that 1. I'm the one that needs to put excitement into it and 2. in some ways I've had more than enough excitement for one lifetime. It may not seem so to you, dear Reader, but my life has been one constant excitement after another, and I'm honestly enjoying peace, whatever semblance of it that I can get. Some of you have a good idea of what I've been through, but some of you don't know a thing or can't even imagine it. That's okay. Stick around, kids, you'll find out over time, I have no doubt of that.
Not much planned for next weekend. I have a paper due on Sunday, and I'm going bowling for Halloween, at least part of the day. Other than that, not much else for now. Maybe I can... heh, find some excitement?
If you're in the Maryland/DC/Virginia area, I'm up for whatever you've got in mind, just let me know before, say, Thursday. As some would say, "Holla at me". :p
Okay. You know I'm better if I'm actually inviting you people to go out. Goddamn. :D
Enough for now. Mwah and stuff of that nature.
P.S. I saw "Where the Wild Things Are" last night. Well-made film. But depressing as shit. You've been warned.
Also: I've booked another cruise, but this time I'm going alone and I'm traveling on a different line. I've selected Carnival, I'm hoping there'll be more people there under 65, heh. I'm going to find out if the bad time that I had was really because I hate cruising, or because of the company I kept. I have a nasty feeling that it was the latter, because I'm already somewhat excited about this, way more than I was for the other cruise. It's not for another year, though, so it's waaaay off. But I'm looking forward to it. This one's to the Bahamas, a place I've never been. I meant it when I said I was going to travel for a bit before I "settled down", and now's the time to do it. I'm also planning on going to Europe at one point next year, as well as possibly going back to Australia - though I don't know if I can swing that either financially or time-off wise. We'll see.
Other than spending a fuckload of money recently, there's really nothing new to report. Work sucks as usual, but it's not sucking any more than normal. Life is okay. I'm not really overly excited about much, but at the same time, things aren't going terribly, either. I guess that I'm just sort of... waiting for what's going to come up, be it positive or negative. Maybe that's a bad thing, just... waiting. But isn't that what we all do, really? Some just don't put a label on it. Sometimes I do wish my life were more exciting, though, but I'm aware that 1. I'm the one that needs to put excitement into it and 2. in some ways I've had more than enough excitement for one lifetime. It may not seem so to you, dear Reader, but my life has been one constant excitement after another, and I'm honestly enjoying peace, whatever semblance of it that I can get. Some of you have a good idea of what I've been through, but some of you don't know a thing or can't even imagine it. That's okay. Stick around, kids, you'll find out over time, I have no doubt of that.
Not much planned for next weekend. I have a paper due on Sunday, and I'm going bowling for Halloween, at least part of the day. Other than that, not much else for now. Maybe I can... heh, find some excitement?
If you're in the Maryland/DC/Virginia area, I'm up for whatever you've got in mind, just let me know before, say, Thursday. As some would say, "Holla at me". :p
Okay. You know I'm better if I'm actually inviting you people to go out. Goddamn. :D
Enough for now. Mwah and stuff of that nature.
P.S. I saw "Where the Wild Things Are" last night. Well-made film. But depressing as shit. You've been warned.
23 August 2009
Feeling better today.
After a day of what was easily the worst attack to hit me yet since the post-Wellbutrin/Abilify/Buspirone cocktail was prescribed... I'm feeling much more like "myself" today, whatever consists of my self, anyway. I felt better enough to get out of this house and get groceries, which for me is a major coup since I hate shopping of any kind (yes, even groceries. I'm just not a shopping chick).
I'm recommitted to following my medication schedule. Have to be, because I seriously think that's what the problem was.
I was going to go down to Merritt Athletic today and ask about a subscription, but... not enough time today and I want to be able to pay my other bills. Just because I got a raise doesn't mean that I'm all of a sudden Miss Moneybags. Still, I need to work out a lot more, so... maybe the added expense will be worth it.
18 days until I go on this cruise. I'm not sure of why I'm not more excited about it. Possibly because it's a vacation with my mother, which for normal people would be a good thing, but for me... it's a virtual minefield. I don't know what she'll say or do on this cruise to embarrass or humiliate me, so I'm naturally wary. I need the time off from work desperately, though, so I'm hoping all will go well. Pictures to follow, of course, but ship-to-shore Internet access is horrific in price, so I don't anticipate that people will see a lot of me during those 9 days. I'm sure you all will miss me, though, right?
Enjoying a milk chocolate Lindt truffle. I know, I absolutely should not have these, they're fattening and I go through them like water, but they're so good. At ten dollars a pound, though, I assure you that I don't get them very often... my tastes are apparently becoming expensive.
Anyway. I feel a lot better today, which I'm grateful for. Here's hoping the week will run just as smoothly.
I'm recommitted to following my medication schedule. Have to be, because I seriously think that's what the problem was.
I was going to go down to Merritt Athletic today and ask about a subscription, but... not enough time today and I want to be able to pay my other bills. Just because I got a raise doesn't mean that I'm all of a sudden Miss Moneybags. Still, I need to work out a lot more, so... maybe the added expense will be worth it.
18 days until I go on this cruise. I'm not sure of why I'm not more excited about it. Possibly because it's a vacation with my mother, which for normal people would be a good thing, but for me... it's a virtual minefield. I don't know what she'll say or do on this cruise to embarrass or humiliate me, so I'm naturally wary. I need the time off from work desperately, though, so I'm hoping all will go well. Pictures to follow, of course, but ship-to-shore Internet access is horrific in price, so I don't anticipate that people will see a lot of me during those 9 days. I'm sure you all will miss me, though, right?
Enjoying a milk chocolate Lindt truffle. I know, I absolutely should not have these, they're fattening and I go through them like water, but they're so good. At ten dollars a pound, though, I assure you that I don't get them very often... my tastes are apparently becoming expensive.
Anyway. I feel a lot better today, which I'm grateful for. Here's hoping the week will run just as smoothly.
05 July 2009
Hrm....she said thoughtfully.
sydney sunset II.
Originally uploaded by Cathelain
I'm testing out new functions to the blog. If you haven't noticed the sidebars recently, I've added a few things - I've included a badge for the Flickr photoservice. The pictures highlighted are mine, as is the one appearing in this post. It's a picture that I took in Sydney this time almost a year ago when I was coming home from Taronga Zoo on the harbour boat. I remember this day as one of the happiest of my life.
Do let me know what you think of my pictures. I'm sort of an amateur (very amateur) photographer, and I strive to make my work better all the time.
I've also included a few other things, it's just part of making the blog a little better.
My weekend's been slow, but good. I really needed the rest. I've been shopping for clothes for the upcoming cruise as of late, but I'm not in debt, thanks to a little bonus I received recently. All in all, it's been a good couple of days. I need to finish my stupid classwork tomorrow, as well as do laundry, but that won't be a huge deal.
Anything not to have to take urine! :p
My life's just so bloody exciting, I know. Your heart can stop pounding now. :p
29 June 2009
Thumbs down to the assholes at Target.
So I have an account with Target, okay, to get my medicine from their pharmacy. I recently did a bit of purchasing, stuff for the house and whatnot, and got close to my limit. I went ahead and paid the bill, sent them a hundred bucks, and considered the matter closed.
Well. Remember that bullshit with the checks bouncing from my Justice account? That was one of the accounts that was directly affected by it. So... instead of letting me fix this mess... they cut off online access to my account. Isn't that great? So now I don't have a way to pay these fucking assholes unless it's by a check - but guess what? I don't pay my bills with a check. It's inconvenient and it takes too much time. I pay my shit like everyone else does these days - online.
I've called these idiots at Target three times to try and get this bullshit straightened out, but they still can't seem to be able to fix my account so that I can pay this bill. The best part about it now is that they called me today - at work - to demand a payment. Ain't that a fucking BITCH? They can't manage to get their IT department straight - they're all apparently outsourced, lucky me, because they can't seem to speak a word of English, never mind understand me - and yet they have the balls to call me and demand a payment. That's funny. So funny that I'm going to call them tonight when I get home and literally bitch them out - and I assure you that I'm going to get the highest supervisor I can (hopefully one that speaks English, anyway) to straighten this crap out.
I'm not going to pay by phone - because I'm not paying their outrageous fees to do it. Fuck that shit.
I know one thing's for sure - I'm dropping this motherfucking account once I pay it off, because 1. these people have been incredibly unpleasant to deal with and 2. I get my medicine from a Rite Aid now because it's closer to where I'm going to be moving. I don't need this unbelievable crap.
Justice fucking owes ME money for all of the time I've had to spend straightening this shit out with all these people. I can say that much.
Sigh. Other than this headache, life's been more or less okay. My crim project is due tonight - I'm going to fix it and turn that in ASAP - and I expect my failing grade later this week, heh.
Meh. I am so pissed off now. How dare they pull this shit.
Back to work in a few minutes. I can't write entries while up at the counter anymore, they're starting to monitor Internet usage up there and they're threatening people with a 14 day suspension. I can't afford to lose salary for two weeks for a blog entry - it's not worth it. Sooo....
... more later. I guess.
Well. Remember that bullshit with the checks bouncing from my Justice account? That was one of the accounts that was directly affected by it. So... instead of letting me fix this mess... they cut off online access to my account. Isn't that great? So now I don't have a way to pay these fucking assholes unless it's by a check - but guess what? I don't pay my bills with a check. It's inconvenient and it takes too much time. I pay my shit like everyone else does these days - online.
I've called these idiots at Target three times to try and get this bullshit straightened out, but they still can't seem to be able to fix my account so that I can pay this bill. The best part about it now is that they called me today - at work - to demand a payment. Ain't that a fucking BITCH? They can't manage to get their IT department straight - they're all apparently outsourced, lucky me, because they can't seem to speak a word of English, never mind understand me - and yet they have the balls to call me and demand a payment. That's funny. So funny that I'm going to call them tonight when I get home and literally bitch them out - and I assure you that I'm going to get the highest supervisor I can (hopefully one that speaks English, anyway) to straighten this crap out.
I'm not going to pay by phone - because I'm not paying their outrageous fees to do it. Fuck that shit.
I know one thing's for sure - I'm dropping this motherfucking account once I pay it off, because 1. these people have been incredibly unpleasant to deal with and 2. I get my medicine from a Rite Aid now because it's closer to where I'm going to be moving. I don't need this unbelievable crap.
Justice fucking owes ME money for all of the time I've had to spend straightening this shit out with all these people. I can say that much.
Sigh. Other than this headache, life's been more or less okay. My crim project is due tonight - I'm going to fix it and turn that in ASAP - and I expect my failing grade later this week, heh.
Meh. I am so pissed off now. How dare they pull this shit.
Back to work in a few minutes. I can't write entries while up at the counter anymore, they're starting to monitor Internet usage up there and they're threatening people with a 14 day suspension. I can't afford to lose salary for two weeks for a blog entry - it's not worth it. Sooo....
... more later. I guess.
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