It's Monday morning at 3:20am, which means that the neighborhood is dead quiet - not even a car rolling by, all I hear are the birds singing. I have my window open, since it's late April and pretty nice out. My husband is next to me, sleeping the sleep of the calm and happy (he's snoring, so I can tell, hah). And I'm wide awake, since I actually fell asleep after my exercise session at the gym and got a good bit of rest.
Seems a good time to reflect upon recent events.
The truth is that there really isn't too much to say. I've achieved most of what I've planned, so far. I'm married now to a good man who loves me (and I must say that this second marriage is already a thousand times happier than my first, even after only a month). I'll be graduating from college in three weeks, a feat that I never in my wildest dreams thought would happen, ever. I've lost almost eighty pounds in two years, with more slated to come off as my exercise routine gets better, and stronger (and it is... more about that in a minute). My three-year waiting period for the house ends in a week (you know, the 8k tax credit - I have to live here for three years in order not to have to pay that back to the government. Once it ends, I can move and I don't owe anyone anything), so... if I want to move, I can (not that we're planning on it soon, but you know).
The only sour note is that I'm way behind in my finances. I was hoping to have a lot more paid off than this. Unfortunately, the bullshit with the legal case totally derailed that - but I'll eventually catch up. I'm still not sure if I'm going to graduate school yet - it depends on the economy and whether sequestration will continue, etc. So far, it doesn't look good - no one's even mentioned it coming to an end. It may never come to an end, at this rate.
So that's up in the air. But everything else, so far, is on track.
I was in the gym today, working out, and I was really getting into the routine - feeling the sweat pouring down my face and my body, which is normally a pretty icky feeling to me (and it's one of the reasons that I dislike working out, to be honest). Today, though, I was reveling in it for some reason - then I started to notice that I would feel a little "nudge" in my legs - it was the feel of the excess fat/skin/whatever rubbing up against my leg. It wasn't a lot (just so you all don't get grossed out, you know), but it was enough to motivate me to work out even harder. It was like, "oh my God, you're nasty, go AWAY." Know what I mean?
Suddenly, with each step I took, with each rotation on that elliptical, it was like I was saying "fuck you" to everyone who had ever told me that I was worthless, grotesque, ugly. It was a constant "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you." (Yes, I'm actually kind of laughing thinking about that.) But it was incredible. I worked out so hard today, almost 700 calories burned in one session, which for me is insane.
Yes, I'm a beginner. But for some reason... I think this time it's going to stick. There was a time where I did it to make an impression on others - this time, this shit is for me, because I don't have anyone I need to impress. My husband loves me whether I'm obese or not - he's proven that.
This time, it's for me. This time, I'm saying "fuck you" to the ones that never believed in me.
The music helps. I've been working on my mp3 collection (yes, again, I'm so freaking obsessive, that's NEVER changed about me), so I've had to use Slacker Radio for workouts. Oddly, they've come up with stuff I never knew about and that I'm seriously digging. The song below is one of my newer favorites:
I marvel at how far I've truly come.
I wonder sometimes, only sometimes, what those who put me down before would think of me now. I wonder sometimes if I'm strong enough to confront those that have tried so hard to see me in the ground, either figuratively or literally. But, to be honest... that wondering only extends to what I would do if I saw them again. I'm vindictive enough to laugh in their faces.
Anger is a powerful, powerful motivator. But... in the end, you know what? It's only useful when it helps me. I don't think about it beyond that.
I think I'm going off into a tangent now, so I'm going to stop here. But... my life is good. It's getting better. It's going to keep getting better.
:)
Showing posts with label weight issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight issues. Show all posts
22 April 2013
03 December 2011
The triumphant return of the Saturday 9.
Ladies and gentlemen....since my health is now much better, I am proudly announcing the triumphant return of:
I haven't done these kinds of things in a very long time. It's nice to be able to focus on something other than my craziness for a switch! :)
1. “Everybody lies. But it's alright because nobody listens.” is one of Bud's Law's. What do you lie about?
I want to say, "nothing at all", but that would be a lie in itself, so.... I guess I'll have to say my weight. :( Those who are closest to me know the truth - like it's hard to hide, haha. To quantify this statement; I don't necessarily lie about it, but I also don't talk about it either, and if one were to ask me I'd either lie my face off or go the honest, but brutal route; i.e., "none of your freaking business".
2. When you purchase a DVD, what besides the the movie itself, what do you enjoy the most? Is it the director's commentary, the deleted scenes, the bloopers or the behind-the-scenes documentary?
It depends on the content, to be honest. When I purchased the Dave Chappelle series, I loved the "goofs" reel; it made me laugh like crazy. But with full-length movies, it's usually deleted scenes or behind-the-scenes documentary features. I usually compare the entire movie to the list they maintain on imdb and try to "spot the errors".
I know. I'm weird like that.
3. What would you most like to accomplish before the year is over?
Honestly, I'd like to graduate from college before 2011 ends, but seeing that I still have 35 credits left to go before that can be done, I don't see it happening. :p
4. What is your current percentage of online shopping? Is it going to be more this year than last?
When I do shop, it's 95% online, mainly because I don't have access to a car right now and there isn't much choice in inner city Baltimore (right now, anyway). Even if there were, I only have two hands and I can't really take heavy things home on the light rail. If you're asking this question in the Christmas vein, I've bought all I'm going to for this year.
5. What's left to do at your place (or where you are going)? Is the tree up? ...or maybe you're just happy you found that fave Christmas coffee mug and are calling that good?
Everything is up and decorated. My house is still a bit skimpy on the decorations because I just don't have enough, but next year I'll be a bit more prepared. Considering that I haven't decorated at all for the past six years, I think it looks pretty damned good. :)
6. If you could get worry free, cost free plastic surgery, would you? If yes, where?
No, I wouldn't. One of the things I've had to learn over the course of my depression is to accept myself for who I am, flaws and faults and all. If others can't accept me, that's on them - it's no longer my problem.
7. Do you think the child you were growing up, would like the adult you've become?
This is a very hard question for me; because the child was abused and neglected. I didn't have much of a choice in becoming the adult that I have. Everything that I've had to do in my life was borne from a survival instinct; first to survive the abuse, then to relearn new coping skills and techniques (that I'm still not sure I've gotten "down" quite yet, to be honest). I continue to struggle with fundamentals. But I'm learning and growing, every day. That's what matters. :)
8. What will you miss about 2011?
I want to say my sense of self-discovery, of reawakening to the joys of life; does that make sense? It's so hard for me to explain how I've felt this past year, because it's all happened so fast, so suddenly... one day I felt like killing myself, wanting to die, dragging, uninterested in life... then my life did a 180, just like that. The depression fell away like a healing scab over a wound. It was just there one day, then... it was gone. I can't even explain what happened, or why. But I'm grateful. The last six months have been cataclysmal. A huge awakening from a long-term nightmare. If nothing else, I will miss the feelings I had when I stepped out of the darkness and into the sunlight. In so many ways.
9. What is something you'd love to see invented?
I thought Rita Mae Brown's idea of a light-up umbrella so you could find your way home on dark, rainy nights was a rather clever one, myself.
Wow. It's been a long, long time since I did one of these. I'm exhausted! :D
One quick piece of news: my friend Cathy has a lovely blog about being a big, fat couch potato. Okay, well, not really the last phrase. But her blog is awesomesauce. Check it out here.
Enough, biatches. I'm for bed. Love and stuff. <3
I haven't done these kinds of things in a very long time. It's nice to be able to focus on something other than my craziness for a switch! :)
1. “Everybody lies. But it's alright because nobody listens.” is one of Bud's Law's. What do you lie about?
I want to say, "nothing at all", but that would be a lie in itself, so.... I guess I'll have to say my weight. :( Those who are closest to me know the truth - like it's hard to hide, haha. To quantify this statement; I don't necessarily lie about it, but I also don't talk about it either, and if one were to ask me I'd either lie my face off or go the honest, but brutal route; i.e., "none of your freaking business".
2. When you purchase a DVD, what besides the the movie itself, what do you enjoy the most? Is it the director's commentary, the deleted scenes, the bloopers or the behind-the-scenes documentary?
It depends on the content, to be honest. When I purchased the Dave Chappelle series, I loved the "goofs" reel; it made me laugh like crazy. But with full-length movies, it's usually deleted scenes or behind-the-scenes documentary features. I usually compare the entire movie to the list they maintain on imdb and try to "spot the errors".
I know. I'm weird like that.
3. What would you most like to accomplish before the year is over?
Honestly, I'd like to graduate from college before 2011 ends, but seeing that I still have 35 credits left to go before that can be done, I don't see it happening. :p
4. What is your current percentage of online shopping? Is it going to be more this year than last?
When I do shop, it's 95% online, mainly because I don't have access to a car right now and there isn't much choice in inner city Baltimore (right now, anyway). Even if there were, I only have two hands and I can't really take heavy things home on the light rail. If you're asking this question in the Christmas vein, I've bought all I'm going to for this year.
5. What's left to do at your place (or where you are going)? Is the tree up? ...or maybe you're just happy you found that fave Christmas coffee mug and are calling that good?
Everything is up and decorated. My house is still a bit skimpy on the decorations because I just don't have enough, but next year I'll be a bit more prepared. Considering that I haven't decorated at all for the past six years, I think it looks pretty damned good. :)
6. If you could get worry free, cost free plastic surgery, would you? If yes, where?
No, I wouldn't. One of the things I've had to learn over the course of my depression is to accept myself for who I am, flaws and faults and all. If others can't accept me, that's on them - it's no longer my problem.
7. Do you think the child you were growing up, would like the adult you've become?
This is a very hard question for me; because the child was abused and neglected. I didn't have much of a choice in becoming the adult that I have. Everything that I've had to do in my life was borne from a survival instinct; first to survive the abuse, then to relearn new coping skills and techniques (that I'm still not sure I've gotten "down" quite yet, to be honest). I continue to struggle with fundamentals. But I'm learning and growing, every day. That's what matters. :)
8. What will you miss about 2011?
I want to say my sense of self-discovery, of reawakening to the joys of life; does that make sense? It's so hard for me to explain how I've felt this past year, because it's all happened so fast, so suddenly... one day I felt like killing myself, wanting to die, dragging, uninterested in life... then my life did a 180, just like that. The depression fell away like a healing scab over a wound. It was just there one day, then... it was gone. I can't even explain what happened, or why. But I'm grateful. The last six months have been cataclysmal. A huge awakening from a long-term nightmare. If nothing else, I will miss the feelings I had when I stepped out of the darkness and into the sunlight. In so many ways.
9. What is something you'd love to see invented?
I thought Rita Mae Brown's idea of a light-up umbrella so you could find your way home on dark, rainy nights was a rather clever one, myself.
Wow. It's been a long, long time since I did one of these. I'm exhausted! :D
One quick piece of news: my friend Cathy has a lovely blog about being a big, fat couch potato. Okay, well, not really the last phrase. But her blog is awesomesauce. Check it out here.
Enough, biatches. I'm for bed. Love and stuff. <3
24 October 2011
Big, fat deal.
So Greg and I went down to Kings Dominion this weekend for an event with some of our new friend circle. I'll admit that while I had quite a blast (and him as well, I think)... I'm starting to realize that in a lot of ways, I'm starting to get old - or at least set in my ways. I just wasn't that eager to get on rides and be flipped upside down, feel G-forces making my heart race, any of that. The few that I did get on were sedate, quiet, even boring.
I'll also make a confession here - I just wasn't willing to be squeezed into a ride, either. Let's face it, people - while I can still get into a standard amusement park ride, I'm overweight (okay, fat, if you will) enough to not be too damned comfortable in them. And I'm sorry, folks - but that's a problem. I consider that a problem.
I spent half of the day wondering if I was going to be able to fit into the lap bars on the rides - and that's not a good feeling, ladies and gentlemen. Nor is it a good feeling to look around you and literally notice that you're the biggest person in line. Not necessarily in the park - but in line. Big difference. Maybe it was just paranoia, but I could feel peoples' eyes on me. "What's that big girl doing in the line? Does she think she can squeeze her fat ass into that seat? Bahahaha, that's a good one!"
I still can, yes, but that's not the point here.
The point is that it's gotten to a point where it's just not comfortable for me anymore to be what I am, physically. I'm suffering health problems, and I know it. It remains to be seen if the health problems I have are the cause of my weight, however - and we're investigating that. There's a damned good possibility that it really IS medical in nature. I know, I know, every overweight person claims that, but in my case it may be true. I've had a hormonal imbalance for years, decades, and it's run riot, completely unchecked. My OB is investigating that - that's why all of the nasty medical procedures recently.
If that's the cause of it - great. I'm looking forward to dropping a few pounds, trust me. If it's not... well, then, I know what my next step is.
As someone who's been overweight for most of her life, I will say this - don't ever believe that overweight is caused by too much eating and nothing else. It can be, sure, but it's often not the reason. Sometimes the reason is not eating enough.
Greg pointed out to me over the weekend that I don't eat nearly enough, which causes me to binge when I finally do get around to eating - and he's right. That's exactly what I do. I try to make up for all of the meals I should have eaten in one setting - then I'm sick for days and won't eat again. A vicious, severely unhealthy cycle.... that I'm going to try and break. If I can. I hope I can.
Some of this is psychological, I'm almost sure of that. Because of all of the abuse I've been through, both childhood and adulthood, I probably feel so unworthy that I don't eat at all - after all, I'm overweight, why should I stuff my face? Never mind that stuffing my face, in my case, equals fueling my body in order to survive.
Wow, tears. Lots of tears. I guess this is a frontier of my cracked mind that I haven't explored yet... but after all, it's such a huge (hah, hah) part of my psyche, damaged though it may be. I have to confront it eventually, and I guess that I'm far enough in my healing that it should be now. I'm just so afraid that I'll uncover shit I don't want to uncover, and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle that, if that's so.
Greg says that he loves me the way I am. He has no idea how much that means to me, because I've never felt like anyone ever did, that I've had to fundamentally change in order to be accepted and cared about. For once in my life... I don't feel like I have to be someone else.
And maybe that's the key to my finally losing weight... knowing that even if I don't drop a pound, an inch, if the scale never changes again... that I'm still loved.
I'll also make a confession here - I just wasn't willing to be squeezed into a ride, either. Let's face it, people - while I can still get into a standard amusement park ride, I'm overweight (okay, fat, if you will) enough to not be too damned comfortable in them. And I'm sorry, folks - but that's a problem. I consider that a problem.
I spent half of the day wondering if I was going to be able to fit into the lap bars on the rides - and that's not a good feeling, ladies and gentlemen. Nor is it a good feeling to look around you and literally notice that you're the biggest person in line. Not necessarily in the park - but in line. Big difference. Maybe it was just paranoia, but I could feel peoples' eyes on me. "What's that big girl doing in the line? Does she think she can squeeze her fat ass into that seat? Bahahaha, that's a good one!"
I still can, yes, but that's not the point here.
The point is that it's gotten to a point where it's just not comfortable for me anymore to be what I am, physically. I'm suffering health problems, and I know it. It remains to be seen if the health problems I have are the cause of my weight, however - and we're investigating that. There's a damned good possibility that it really IS medical in nature. I know, I know, every overweight person claims that, but in my case it may be true. I've had a hormonal imbalance for years, decades, and it's run riot, completely unchecked. My OB is investigating that - that's why all of the nasty medical procedures recently.
If that's the cause of it - great. I'm looking forward to dropping a few pounds, trust me. If it's not... well, then, I know what my next step is.
As someone who's been overweight for most of her life, I will say this - don't ever believe that overweight is caused by too much eating and nothing else. It can be, sure, but it's often not the reason. Sometimes the reason is not eating enough.
Greg pointed out to me over the weekend that I don't eat nearly enough, which causes me to binge when I finally do get around to eating - and he's right. That's exactly what I do. I try to make up for all of the meals I should have eaten in one setting - then I'm sick for days and won't eat again. A vicious, severely unhealthy cycle.... that I'm going to try and break. If I can. I hope I can.
Some of this is psychological, I'm almost sure of that. Because of all of the abuse I've been through, both childhood and adulthood, I probably feel so unworthy that I don't eat at all - after all, I'm overweight, why should I stuff my face? Never mind that stuffing my face, in my case, equals fueling my body in order to survive.
Wow, tears. Lots of tears. I guess this is a frontier of my cracked mind that I haven't explored yet... but after all, it's such a huge (hah, hah) part of my psyche, damaged though it may be. I have to confront it eventually, and I guess that I'm far enough in my healing that it should be now. I'm just so afraid that I'll uncover shit I don't want to uncover, and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle that, if that's so.
Greg says that he loves me the way I am. He has no idea how much that means to me, because I've never felt like anyone ever did, that I've had to fundamentally change in order to be accepted and cared about. For once in my life... I don't feel like I have to be someone else.
And maybe that's the key to my finally losing weight... knowing that even if I don't drop a pound, an inch, if the scale never changes again... that I'm still loved.
30 May 2011
Struggling... but forging ahead.
I had been feeling better about things for the last couple of days, but I find myself turning melancholy once again. The situation last week has taken more of a toll on me than I ever dreamed... and it's frightening because I don't know that I'll ever really recover from it.
Part of my therapy session this week dealt with that loss, and intense discussion about it. I had never really talked with anyone about it before (maybe because the circumstances were such that I felt a little ashamed of it). After a good deal of explanation, including specifics of the situation, my doctor said something that resonated with me... it not only made me feel a little better, but it's given me hope.
He'd said to me, "You cannot blame yourself. You have the hope of a normal, healthy relationship. Once you deal with all of the pain that you've been subjected to... you have a chance of being happy with another person. The other person in your situation does not. The other person in your situation has very deep issues, issues that are brain-related. Speaking from a psychological point of view, this person is very sick. They will never get any better or have anything more than what they have right now - because their pattern keeps repeating, over and over. They will not ever have a successful, healthy relationship... but you will."
It was like a sledgehammer had slammed into my brain.
I try to hold on to my doctor's words. I really do. It's eased some of the still-intense pain that I feel. It gives me hope that one day, one day.... I'll find a person that I can relate to and that can relate to me.
I've met someone recently, through one of the myriad online dating sites. We seem to have a lot in common, but... he recently dropped a bombshell that he was "legally married, but hasn't seen her in years", blah blah. He's told me 4 days after meeting me, so perhaps he's on the up and up, but... I just feel like I can't trust him. I know that it's because of all of the shit I've been through. I know that. I'm still speaking with him, because after all - we're only friends. It's not went any further, and even if it did, it wouldn't happen right away, as he lives in Florida.
Why can't I meet someone that's decent, honest, and lives HERE, for Chrissake?
Ah, forgive me. I really should choose better music... I'm listening to a song that reminds me of ... well, the situation. Oddly, the lyrics sort of fit....
Babe, baby, baby, I'm gonna leave you
I said baby, you know I'm gonna leave you.
I'll leave you when the summertime,
Leave you when the summer comes a-rollin'
Leave you when the summer comes along.
Classic Led Zeppelin. I love it so. Only right now it's full of pain.
The overwhelming anxiety has finally disappeared. But I know I'm not the same. I don't laugh or smile anymore. My appetite has been reduced to nearly nothing (not that that's a bad thing, as I'm losing weight like crazy, heh). And even the smallest of triggers can reduce me to a sobbing ball of mush.
But I'll get over this. It's not my fault.... I'm normal. I'm normal. I have to hang on to those words... I'll recover and I'll be happy. Won't I?
I wonder sometimes.
Part of my therapy session this week dealt with that loss, and intense discussion about it. I had never really talked with anyone about it before (maybe because the circumstances were such that I felt a little ashamed of it). After a good deal of explanation, including specifics of the situation, my doctor said something that resonated with me... it not only made me feel a little better, but it's given me hope.
He'd said to me, "You cannot blame yourself. You have the hope of a normal, healthy relationship. Once you deal with all of the pain that you've been subjected to... you have a chance of being happy with another person. The other person in your situation does not. The other person in your situation has very deep issues, issues that are brain-related. Speaking from a psychological point of view, this person is very sick. They will never get any better or have anything more than what they have right now - because their pattern keeps repeating, over and over. They will not ever have a successful, healthy relationship... but you will."
It was like a sledgehammer had slammed into my brain.
I try to hold on to my doctor's words. I really do. It's eased some of the still-intense pain that I feel. It gives me hope that one day, one day.... I'll find a person that I can relate to and that can relate to me.
I've met someone recently, through one of the myriad online dating sites. We seem to have a lot in common, but... he recently dropped a bombshell that he was "legally married, but hasn't seen her in years", blah blah. He's told me 4 days after meeting me, so perhaps he's on the up and up, but... I just feel like I can't trust him. I know that it's because of all of the shit I've been through. I know that. I'm still speaking with him, because after all - we're only friends. It's not went any further, and even if it did, it wouldn't happen right away, as he lives in Florida.
Why can't I meet someone that's decent, honest, and lives HERE, for Chrissake?
Ah, forgive me. I really should choose better music... I'm listening to a song that reminds me of ... well, the situation. Oddly, the lyrics sort of fit....
Babe, baby, baby, I'm gonna leave you
I said baby, you know I'm gonna leave you.
I'll leave you when the summertime,
Leave you when the summer comes a-rollin'
Leave you when the summer comes along.
Classic Led Zeppelin. I love it so. Only right now it's full of pain.
The overwhelming anxiety has finally disappeared. But I know I'm not the same. I don't laugh or smile anymore. My appetite has been reduced to nearly nothing (not that that's a bad thing, as I'm losing weight like crazy, heh). And even the smallest of triggers can reduce me to a sobbing ball of mush.
But I'll get over this. It's not my fault.... I'm normal. I'm normal. I have to hang on to those words... I'll recover and I'll be happy. Won't I?
I wonder sometimes.
03 April 2011
Tired (and somewhat depressive) rambling.
Can't sleep at the moment, so I figured I'd make a post and wait for these pain pills to kick in. Thank Christ for Excedrin PM, that's all I can say. This weekend hasn't been the best for me on either a physical or mental level, unfortunately. I ended up sleeping for most of the day today because I just... I don't know, the lethargy was overpowering and I didn't feel like battling it, to be honest.
There's a lot going on right now. I'm embroiled in a huge project at work where I more or less have to create a website for the department, and while I have the talent/ability/skill to do it, they're not giving me a lot of time to accomplish the job and I'm beginning to fall behind in not only this, but the other things they've asked me to do (not to mention my regular duties). I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and irritable. I don't even want to think about what might happen after school starts - what the fuck am I going to do then?
My notebook computer suffered a devastating fall on Friday afternoon, and the screen is useless, so I ended up having to spend 700 dollars on a new one - an expense that is very, VERY ill-timed. I was rather proud of myself for not completely losing control, but I'm sick inside about the whole thing. As usual, it just seems as if I can't win, no matter what I do.
Maybe I slept the entire day away as a form of escape. I don't know. I'm painfully aware that I'm still not very happy with my life, even though things have improved quite a bit.
When I went out on Friday night to get the new computer, I watched people walking around at the harbor with a sort of detached observation... and as usual, I felt out of place and alienated from what was going on around me. That, at least, hasn't changed. I find that as time goes on, though, it bothers me less and less.
Whenever I feel sad or lonely or even a quiet sense of desperation... all that I have to think of to snap me out of that mood is all of the failed relationships that have gone on before... or the last time that I tried to date someone. The last time that I tried to strike out in the romantic arena, I was violated. That's enough to make me feel more than glad to be alone. Sometimes I think that I'll feel that way for the rest of my life, but.... oddly, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it once did.
I simply don't want to be hurt anymore. If being alone is the price I have to pay for safety, for security... I will gladly pay it and be content.
Ah, hell, this is turning a bit toward the despondent, and I didn't mean it to be, as I'm not really depressed so much as lethargic and achy. Whiny, if you want to be blunt about it. :p As always, I'll probably feel better tomorrow or in a couple of days. I'm just laying here and hoping for sleep at the moment.
It's strange, because I've been eating the best I ever have these past few weeks (i.e., a lot of vegetables and fruit, not much meat, sensible portions, the "right things"), I've actually begun to lose a significant amount of weight, and yet... I feel like I've been spun dry in my Bosch, knocked around in a boxing ring, run over by a truck. It makes no sense. Perhaps my mind is fighting the progress that my body's experiencing, a psychosomatic response to the possibility of shedding the wall that I've been hiding behind for most of my life now. I know damned well that my weight is a hiding mechanism - no therapist has to tell me that.
The possibility of losing that mechanism is, apparently, too much for my cracked brain to handle.
I'm not giving up, though.
Anyway, enough of this complaining. Hopefully the Excedrin will do its job soon and I can get some shuteye.
Later.
There's a lot going on right now. I'm embroiled in a huge project at work where I more or less have to create a website for the department, and while I have the talent/ability/skill to do it, they're not giving me a lot of time to accomplish the job and I'm beginning to fall behind in not only this, but the other things they've asked me to do (not to mention my regular duties). I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and irritable. I don't even want to think about what might happen after school starts - what the fuck am I going to do then?
My notebook computer suffered a devastating fall on Friday afternoon, and the screen is useless, so I ended up having to spend 700 dollars on a new one - an expense that is very, VERY ill-timed. I was rather proud of myself for not completely losing control, but I'm sick inside about the whole thing. As usual, it just seems as if I can't win, no matter what I do.
Maybe I slept the entire day away as a form of escape. I don't know. I'm painfully aware that I'm still not very happy with my life, even though things have improved quite a bit.
When I went out on Friday night to get the new computer, I watched people walking around at the harbor with a sort of detached observation... and as usual, I felt out of place and alienated from what was going on around me. That, at least, hasn't changed. I find that as time goes on, though, it bothers me less and less.
Whenever I feel sad or lonely or even a quiet sense of desperation... all that I have to think of to snap me out of that mood is all of the failed relationships that have gone on before... or the last time that I tried to date someone. The last time that I tried to strike out in the romantic arena, I was violated. That's enough to make me feel more than glad to be alone. Sometimes I think that I'll feel that way for the rest of my life, but.... oddly, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it once did.
I simply don't want to be hurt anymore. If being alone is the price I have to pay for safety, for security... I will gladly pay it and be content.
Ah, hell, this is turning a bit toward the despondent, and I didn't mean it to be, as I'm not really depressed so much as lethargic and achy. Whiny, if you want to be blunt about it. :p As always, I'll probably feel better tomorrow or in a couple of days. I'm just laying here and hoping for sleep at the moment.
It's strange, because I've been eating the best I ever have these past few weeks (i.e., a lot of vegetables and fruit, not much meat, sensible portions, the "right things"), I've actually begun to lose a significant amount of weight, and yet... I feel like I've been spun dry in my Bosch, knocked around in a boxing ring, run over by a truck. It makes no sense. Perhaps my mind is fighting the progress that my body's experiencing, a psychosomatic response to the possibility of shedding the wall that I've been hiding behind for most of my life now. I know damned well that my weight is a hiding mechanism - no therapist has to tell me that.
The possibility of losing that mechanism is, apparently, too much for my cracked brain to handle.
I'm not giving up, though.
Anyway, enough of this complaining. Hopefully the Excedrin will do its job soon and I can get some shuteye.
Later.
31 March 2011
Quick, though not satisfying, update.
I am still locked in a struggle with my more negative emotions as of late. I think that it's because I've been partially re-visiting painful memories in my head, and partially because a huge amount of people have let me down this week.
I haven't announced it or made a big fuss about it, but my birthday passed in the last two weeks. Although I'm well aware that I haven't said much about it (and those of you who know me well also know that I tend not to talk about it), there were a select few that DID know when it was and for their own reasons, failed to acknowledge the day, which hurt a hell of a lot more than I had expected.
I have had some very unpleasant conversations in the past couple of days, with more to come, unfortunately.
One good thing is that I'm absolutely not holding back my displeasure or anger at said people involved. I'm outright letting them know just how they've made me feel; devalued, not even worth a simple phone call or a text message. I've made that crystal clear to quite a few people in the past 48 hours. This isn't worth holding in anger or letting it fester - oh, HELL no. Those days are over.
If people piss me off, they're going to know about it. Quickly, immediately, and with zero hesitation.
I'm sorting out shit in my own brain right now, and not really paying attention to much more than that. I mean, I'm going to work, doing what I must. There's been some positive gain in that I've lost nearly 12 pounds since I began my personal "fitness quest", if you will, at the start of the year. It's beginning to take root in my stupid head that I need to take care of myself, because it's obvious no one else is fucking going to.
But I'm lost in my own "fog", if you will, at the moment. I just have too much going on as far as work and projects and personal development, blah blah blah. I don't have time for all of these negative things that are floating in my head, you know?
Still, they come. I wonder sometimes if it'll ever stop and I'll have peace.
Anyway. I haven't had a chance to write for a while, so I wanted to stop in. Hopefully it'll calm down some this weekend so I can catch up.
Until then.
I haven't announced it or made a big fuss about it, but my birthday passed in the last two weeks. Although I'm well aware that I haven't said much about it (and those of you who know me well also know that I tend not to talk about it), there were a select few that DID know when it was and for their own reasons, failed to acknowledge the day, which hurt a hell of a lot more than I had expected.
I have had some very unpleasant conversations in the past couple of days, with more to come, unfortunately.
One good thing is that I'm absolutely not holding back my displeasure or anger at said people involved. I'm outright letting them know just how they've made me feel; devalued, not even worth a simple phone call or a text message. I've made that crystal clear to quite a few people in the past 48 hours. This isn't worth holding in anger or letting it fester - oh, HELL no. Those days are over.
If people piss me off, they're going to know about it. Quickly, immediately, and with zero hesitation.
I'm sorting out shit in my own brain right now, and not really paying attention to much more than that. I mean, I'm going to work, doing what I must. There's been some positive gain in that I've lost nearly 12 pounds since I began my personal "fitness quest", if you will, at the start of the year. It's beginning to take root in my stupid head that I need to take care of myself, because it's obvious no one else is fucking going to.
But I'm lost in my own "fog", if you will, at the moment. I just have too much going on as far as work and projects and personal development, blah blah blah. I don't have time for all of these negative things that are floating in my head, you know?
Still, they come. I wonder sometimes if it'll ever stop and I'll have peace.
Anyway. I haven't had a chance to write for a while, so I wanted to stop in. Hopefully it'll calm down some this weekend so I can catch up.
Until then.
25 January 2011
Strangely disconnected... but okay.
Life rolls on as it always does. I go to work, come home, eat, sleep, feed my cat, do laundry, go to therapy - it's a long, never-ending but oddly comfortable routine. Still, I can't help but feel... well, weird. There are days, of which this is one, where I walk through life doing what I need to do, but I feel like I'm watching some fucked-up reality television program. You know what I mean? I eye situations from a purely "outsider" point of view. It's as if I'm there... but not there. And I'm actually okay with this, because I don't really want to be noticed, anyhow.
I'm really in a weird point in my life right now. While I won't be unhappy if I'm around people, I don't make efforts to be social or to 'strike out', and I'm happy with my own company 99.9% of the time. This IS a big change from the first time I lived alone, where I was almost always miserable and lonely. These days... well, I occasionally feel a bit lonely, but I can usually forget about it rather quickly - and when I think of actually meeting new people, spending time with them, it's... vaguely unpleasant to me. Even more striking is the feeling that I get when I think of meeting someone new in a romantic sense - I actually shudder with revulsion. I think that I'm either finally adjusting to being single/alone - and LIKING it - or I've lost so much trust in people that it'll be virtually impossible for me to ever open myself up in that sense again. Maybe it's a combination of both, I don't know.
I've been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD). The symptoms/characteristics fit me almost 100 percent. I have a very close "inner circle" (as close as I'll allow, anyway, which is not very), and I only trust a very, very, very few. Otherwise, I shun social situations. And now that I actually know I do this, and that it's NORMAL for AvPD people to do this... I actually feel an odd sense of peace. That I'm not a freak, that I'm not alone, that others feel the same way I do, that others are just as lonely and frustrated as I seem to be. I wish that I didn't have it, of course, just as I wish I didn't have depression... but both conditions are permanent and with me to stay. So be it. I'll have to make the best of what I have, even if it proves to be very difficult. Eh, well. My life's never really been what I'd term "easy", so why start now? :p
There's a lot of things that I've been meaning to do lately - there's a shit-ton of mail I have to answer (both E and otherwise), I've fallen out of touch with people that I've been meaning to talk with - if you're one of them, patience, I'll get to you eventually. Like I said, when I inhabit this strange place, I often shut out the world around me and concentrate on introspection. I think that therapy has really helped with my introspective qualities. I'm not focusing as hard on the negative as I once did, and I'm really trying to make improvements - and yes, to be good to myself. Still some work to go on that, though.
I've lost another 2 point something pounds. Doesn't sound like much, but I'll take any improvement I can get. I don't expect that I'll be able to take off enough in order to avoid the surgery, but I'm working it the best that I can. Again, I'm sort of in an apathetic fog when it comes to that, just as I have been with a lot of other things. That might be bad - as a matter of fact, I know it is - but right now I'm comfortable with where I am, so I'm not going to make an effort to change it.
I don't know that apathetic is the right word, though, because I DO care. Maybe it should be "fatalistic" - i.e., whatever happens, happens. I'm not going to create stress for myself over things that, for right now, I have no control over. My philosophy is "do what I'm supposed to do and let everything take care of itself". And that's what I'm doing, I guess.
Yes, I have a lot of regrets. But regret doesn't change what is. All that I can do is continue to move forward - and hope.
Strange, that word, hope. But fitting.
I'm really in a weird point in my life right now. While I won't be unhappy if I'm around people, I don't make efforts to be social or to 'strike out', and I'm happy with my own company 99.9% of the time. This IS a big change from the first time I lived alone, where I was almost always miserable and lonely. These days... well, I occasionally feel a bit lonely, but I can usually forget about it rather quickly - and when I think of actually meeting new people, spending time with them, it's... vaguely unpleasant to me. Even more striking is the feeling that I get when I think of meeting someone new in a romantic sense - I actually shudder with revulsion. I think that I'm either finally adjusting to being single/alone - and LIKING it - or I've lost so much trust in people that it'll be virtually impossible for me to ever open myself up in that sense again. Maybe it's a combination of both, I don't know.
I've been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD). The symptoms/characteristics fit me almost 100 percent. I have a very close "inner circle" (as close as I'll allow, anyway, which is not very), and I only trust a very, very, very few. Otherwise, I shun social situations. And now that I actually know I do this, and that it's NORMAL for AvPD people to do this... I actually feel an odd sense of peace. That I'm not a freak, that I'm not alone, that others feel the same way I do, that others are just as lonely and frustrated as I seem to be. I wish that I didn't have it, of course, just as I wish I didn't have depression... but both conditions are permanent and with me to stay. So be it. I'll have to make the best of what I have, even if it proves to be very difficult. Eh, well. My life's never really been what I'd term "easy", so why start now? :p
There's a lot of things that I've been meaning to do lately - there's a shit-ton of mail I have to answer (both E and otherwise), I've fallen out of touch with people that I've been meaning to talk with - if you're one of them, patience, I'll get to you eventually. Like I said, when I inhabit this strange place, I often shut out the world around me and concentrate on introspection. I think that therapy has really helped with my introspective qualities. I'm not focusing as hard on the negative as I once did, and I'm really trying to make improvements - and yes, to be good to myself. Still some work to go on that, though.
I've lost another 2 point something pounds. Doesn't sound like much, but I'll take any improvement I can get. I don't expect that I'll be able to take off enough in order to avoid the surgery, but I'm working it the best that I can. Again, I'm sort of in an apathetic fog when it comes to that, just as I have been with a lot of other things. That might be bad - as a matter of fact, I know it is - but right now I'm comfortable with where I am, so I'm not going to make an effort to change it.
I don't know that apathetic is the right word, though, because I DO care. Maybe it should be "fatalistic" - i.e., whatever happens, happens. I'm not going to create stress for myself over things that, for right now, I have no control over. My philosophy is "do what I'm supposed to do and let everything take care of itself". And that's what I'm doing, I guess.
Yes, I have a lot of regrets. But regret doesn't change what is. All that I can do is continue to move forward - and hope.
Strange, that word, hope. But fitting.
12 December 2010
Starting to wind down.
The end of the year is fast approaching, and I've actually been ruminating over my annual "how did I do this year" post a bit early. Oh, I'm not going to do it right now, obviously. But I find it striking that I'm actually thinking about it this soon. I suspect that I'm very eager to "shut the books", if you will, and get on with this business of living for myself in '11. Some might say that this is a positive thing, my looking ahead, and I tend to concur that it is. I'm definitely in a much better place than I have been in some time.
My tenure with urine is about to come to an end, starting on January 3rd. All of the female testers will move to another unit - however, I shall not be going with them, at least that's what I'm hearing. The plan is that I shall stay at my current unit and do strictly computer work. To be honest, I'm not at all sorry about it. I've dealt with enough piss to fill a small lake over the years, and there are times where the women are so much more worse than the men, both in attitude and in personal hygiene. It's not all going to be peaches and cream, though: I still have to deal with the males while on the computer, and they tend to be nasty as well, but I won't have to deal with their body fluids - I can't ask for more than that. I'm hoping and praying that these next two weeks will go speedily.
The semester, for me, is over. I have exams this upcoming Wednesday. As usual, I'm not really feeling anxiety over them, though to be honest I haven't studied. I'm really weird about classes - I'll agonize over the actual work, but when it comes to taking tests, I don't feel much nervousness. I guess that's because I figure that I'll either know the material by then, or I won't. Not much to beat myself up over, I suppose. Anyhow, I'm profoundly relieved, because this past semester was difficult in a lot of respects. I have about six months off now, though, or at least until May, so I could definitely use the rest. I plan on getting this house together now that I've received my tax credit, spend a little time getting my life back together again.
I've decided not to go to New York for the new year, at least not this time - the reason being that I made my decision a little too late. I really need time to plan this out, not just go on the spur of the moment - especially with the terrorism threat level being so high right now. There's going to be more security up there than Fort Knox, and I'm not prepared to deal with it. I was thinking about going up on the night train, but from what I hear, Times Square is full by 4pm, and I'm not prepared to stand out in the freezing cold for 8 hours without getting things together. So I'm going to skip it this time, maybe I'll go next year. Or maybe for Thanksgiving, as I've always wanted to see the Macy's parade in person. I'll have to actually remember to mark it down, though, as I tend to forget until the holidays roll around again. Then I sit on my sofa that morning and say to myself, "Y'know, I think I'll do this... if I can remember." Hah. My mind's like a sieve, bleh.
I do plan on traveling a little more next year, even if it is just on the spur of the moment. Hop a train to New York and go shopping for the day, etc. I really need to start doing these things!
I've lost 4.2 pounds. I know, not a huge deal, but it is for me. I'm actively trying to lose weight now - that's yet another of my goals for '11. I'm not going to call these things "resolutions", because the minute I do that, I know it'll go by the wayside, and this is just too important to me, enough so that I'm honestly trying to do something about it instead of talking about it. Maybe I'll report on this week by week - that way I'll have some kind of a record and some kind of accountability to myself. Though I'm not going to put my starting weight. Oh, hell, no. Maybe if I ever get to where I want to be, I'll share that with you all so that your mouths will drop and you'll go "ZOMG we're so proud of you". Wouldn't that be something? :p
I'm a talkative soul this morning, but I have to run. I'm heading to Lowe's today to pick up some necessities for the house, like a ladder, a snow shovel, shit I'm going to need this winter. Just realized that if there's a blizzard this year, I have to clean off the entire corner. Sucks to be me. Meh.
Well, not really. :D
Peace, out.
My tenure with urine is about to come to an end, starting on January 3rd. All of the female testers will move to another unit - however, I shall not be going with them, at least that's what I'm hearing. The plan is that I shall stay at my current unit and do strictly computer work. To be honest, I'm not at all sorry about it. I've dealt with enough piss to fill a small lake over the years, and there are times where the women are so much more worse than the men, both in attitude and in personal hygiene. It's not all going to be peaches and cream, though: I still have to deal with the males while on the computer, and they tend to be nasty as well, but I won't have to deal with their body fluids - I can't ask for more than that. I'm hoping and praying that these next two weeks will go speedily.
The semester, for me, is over. I have exams this upcoming Wednesday. As usual, I'm not really feeling anxiety over them, though to be honest I haven't studied. I'm really weird about classes - I'll agonize over the actual work, but when it comes to taking tests, I don't feel much nervousness. I guess that's because I figure that I'll either know the material by then, or I won't. Not much to beat myself up over, I suppose. Anyhow, I'm profoundly relieved, because this past semester was difficult in a lot of respects. I have about six months off now, though, or at least until May, so I could definitely use the rest. I plan on getting this house together now that I've received my tax credit, spend a little time getting my life back together again.
I've decided not to go to New York for the new year, at least not this time - the reason being that I made my decision a little too late. I really need time to plan this out, not just go on the spur of the moment - especially with the terrorism threat level being so high right now. There's going to be more security up there than Fort Knox, and I'm not prepared to deal with it. I was thinking about going up on the night train, but from what I hear, Times Square is full by 4pm, and I'm not prepared to stand out in the freezing cold for 8 hours without getting things together. So I'm going to skip it this time, maybe I'll go next year. Or maybe for Thanksgiving, as I've always wanted to see the Macy's parade in person. I'll have to actually remember to mark it down, though, as I tend to forget until the holidays roll around again. Then I sit on my sofa that morning and say to myself, "Y'know, I think I'll do this... if I can remember." Hah. My mind's like a sieve, bleh.
I do plan on traveling a little more next year, even if it is just on the spur of the moment. Hop a train to New York and go shopping for the day, etc. I really need to start doing these things!
I've lost 4.2 pounds. I know, not a huge deal, but it is for me. I'm actively trying to lose weight now - that's yet another of my goals for '11. I'm not going to call these things "resolutions", because the minute I do that, I know it'll go by the wayside, and this is just too important to me, enough so that I'm honestly trying to do something about it instead of talking about it. Maybe I'll report on this week by week - that way I'll have some kind of a record and some kind of accountability to myself. Though I'm not going to put my starting weight. Oh, hell, no. Maybe if I ever get to where I want to be, I'll share that with you all so that your mouths will drop and you'll go "ZOMG we're so proud of you". Wouldn't that be something? :p
I'm a talkative soul this morning, but I have to run. I'm heading to Lowe's today to pick up some necessities for the house, like a ladder, a snow shovel, shit I'm going to need this winter. Just realized that if there's a blizzard this year, I have to clean off the entire corner. Sucks to be me. Meh.
Well, not really. :D
Peace, out.
31 December 2009
The usual expected end-of-year post.
So, this is the part where I'm supposed to either rant or rave about how sucky/great 2009 was, right?
In truth, I don't think I really need to do that, as it's again all laid out for you on the blog if you care to go back and have a look. Were there any highlights for me? Honestly, there weren't - but neither were there any serious setbacks. I think this past year has been what I call a "transition" year.
I haven't made as much progress on my health, either physical or mental, as I would have liked. I am "better" mentally, though not where I'd like to be. And physically? Bleh, that's gone straight to hell, so I need to really focus on that this upcoming year. I'm fast approaching 38 now (God... really? ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh) and if I want any chance of avoiding the inherited family health difficulties, I need to get cracking on that. It might already be too late, to be honest. But I need to try, so.. that's a priority.
I haven't made much progress on my financial situation, either, though I've started a goodish savings account and I'm going to pay off what I can in 2010. I really want to be in the position where I'll be able to buy a house by the time I'm 40. I don't know where I'll go or what kind of place I want yet, but that's not important right now, as I'm not ready for it anyway. 2010 is the year to "get my shit together", I guess I'll say. But I really want to be in better financial shape than I am right now.
Career-wise, I'm doing a lot better. I don't necessarily like my job, and I don't want to take urine for the rest of my life (Jesus, no, heh), but I'm settled in and to a point where I'm riding the job instead of it riding me. We desperately need more staff, as we're short-handed (the last two Tuesdays and Thursdays have nearly been the end of me, I'm not kidding), but they say it's coming. I've heard that one before, heh.
Personally? A write-off. I haven't been paying much attention to relationships or anything of the sort. Now is not the time for that. I have too much going on with other issues to deal with such things, and I have a feeling that 2010 will also be the same as far as that's concerned. I'm just not ready mentally, physically, any of it. I might never be at this rate, but... it's important for me to get everything else straightened out before I can focus on the wretched state of my personal life, heh. Some things that I have had previous difficulties with are starting to resolve themselves, and that's a very good thing...but I'm just not ready.
I don't do "resolutions". It's a pointless waste of time and it only encourages one to fail. I prefer to think of them as loose long-term goals for myself. That doesn't sound so bad, maybe.
This time last year I was alone on New Year's Eve and curled up on my couch watching television. It'll be the same again this year, but hopefully I won't start 2010 depressed and having another attack. I really have been starting to feel better in the last couple of days, so let's hope for the best.
I have discovered an awesome little online community for the depressed and suicidal, so that has and will greatly help me. I would reveal the name of it, but... right now I kind of feel like it's my little secret "haven" from the world and all of the people that know me, so... if you really want to know, leave me a comment/mail/etc. and I'll tell you, because I wouldn't want those who need it to go without.
Second year in a row that the weather's been crap here for New Year's Eve. I don't feel bad for the idiots sitting down at the Inner Harbor waiting for the fireworks. I hope they get rained on but good, heh.
So, anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
2009 in a song? Let's see... I think this pretty much sums it up for me.
Happy new year to all.
In truth, I don't think I really need to do that, as it's again all laid out for you on the blog if you care to go back and have a look. Were there any highlights for me? Honestly, there weren't - but neither were there any serious setbacks. I think this past year has been what I call a "transition" year.
I haven't made as much progress on my health, either physical or mental, as I would have liked. I am "better" mentally, though not where I'd like to be. And physically? Bleh, that's gone straight to hell, so I need to really focus on that this upcoming year. I'm fast approaching 38 now (God... really? ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh) and if I want any chance of avoiding the inherited family health difficulties, I need to get cracking on that. It might already be too late, to be honest. But I need to try, so.. that's a priority.
I haven't made much progress on my financial situation, either, though I've started a goodish savings account and I'm going to pay off what I can in 2010. I really want to be in the position where I'll be able to buy a house by the time I'm 40. I don't know where I'll go or what kind of place I want yet, but that's not important right now, as I'm not ready for it anyway. 2010 is the year to "get my shit together", I guess I'll say. But I really want to be in better financial shape than I am right now.
Career-wise, I'm doing a lot better. I don't necessarily like my job, and I don't want to take urine for the rest of my life (Jesus, no, heh), but I'm settled in and to a point where I'm riding the job instead of it riding me. We desperately need more staff, as we're short-handed (the last two Tuesdays and Thursdays have nearly been the end of me, I'm not kidding), but they say it's coming. I've heard that one before, heh.
Personally? A write-off. I haven't been paying much attention to relationships or anything of the sort. Now is not the time for that. I have too much going on with other issues to deal with such things, and I have a feeling that 2010 will also be the same as far as that's concerned. I'm just not ready mentally, physically, any of it. I might never be at this rate, but... it's important for me to get everything else straightened out before I can focus on the wretched state of my personal life, heh. Some things that I have had previous difficulties with are starting to resolve themselves, and that's a very good thing...but I'm just not ready.
I don't do "resolutions". It's a pointless waste of time and it only encourages one to fail. I prefer to think of them as loose long-term goals for myself. That doesn't sound so bad, maybe.
This time last year I was alone on New Year's Eve and curled up on my couch watching television. It'll be the same again this year, but hopefully I won't start 2010 depressed and having another attack. I really have been starting to feel better in the last couple of days, so let's hope for the best.
I have discovered an awesome little online community for the depressed and suicidal, so that has and will greatly help me. I would reveal the name of it, but... right now I kind of feel like it's my little secret "haven" from the world and all of the people that know me, so... if you really want to know, leave me a comment/mail/etc. and I'll tell you, because I wouldn't want those who need it to go without.
Second year in a row that the weather's been crap here for New Year's Eve. I don't feel bad for the idiots sitting down at the Inner Harbor waiting for the fireworks. I hope they get rained on but good, heh.
So, anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
2009 in a song? Let's see... I think this pretty much sums it up for me.
Happy new year to all.
04 December 2009
Sorry for the temporary 'dropout'.
I've had a lot going on in the last week, most of it bad. I don't want to discuss it, as it's more or less futile and I'm still angry over a lot of it. Sorry. Maybe one of these days when it all doesn't matter to me so much, I'll open my mouth about it but until then, you take what you get.
No Friday meme today. The subject is quite frankly boring (collaborations? who gives a rat's ass, doesn't it always happen anyway?) and I'm not really in the mood much to answer questions about anything.
This week has not been a good week. I've been quite ill for most of it, it's not going away, plus the above-mentioned situation is digging under my skin at the same time, so I've not been a happy camper nor have I been easy to deal with.
I've lost 10 pounds in the last week alone. Good news that I have, but bad news as to how I did it.
Anyway. Tomorrow is Saturday and I can get some of my frustration and anger out on the exercise machines. I'm so looking forward to that, because with the way I feel right now, that elliptical is toast.
I'll write later if I feel better. At this rate, I won't be writing until next April, but we'll see.
p.s. I received three Emails within an hour of writing this post asking me if they were the ones I was upset with. The answer is no. If I am upset with you. you will know. Trust me when I say this. I will, in time, get over my anger as I always do because I'm basically a soft-hearted patsy, and the world will spin round on its axis and everything will be fine. In the meamtime, I've soothed myself with retail therapy, including pre-ordering a copy of "Inglorious Basterds", which in my eyes is the film of the year, as far as I'm concerned. As for me, I will be perfectly fine, I assure you. I appreciate the concern. I'm not all right... right now. But I will be.
I think that I need to really take stock and review how my life's going. I don't know if I try to aim for too much or what, but I just have such a low, low tolerance for frustration... and for forgiveness. It seems that whenever anyone does me wrong, or what I perceive is a wrong, I just cut them loose, for good, I don't even stop to think about it. I think it's because I just have this zero-tolerance policy as far as someone hurting me is concerned. I've let a few people slide way more than they should have on this. And some I have cut loose without them doing much of anything to deserve it. I know that. I just really don't see how to stop it, because I pretty much expect everyone to hurt me before they even begin.
So much for me not talking a lot, huh.
I wish that I could be more of an adult about shit. I'm almost 38 now and I still approach things like a teenager (which could be a good thing sometimes, but in this case it isn't). One of the things that really, really hurt me in the above-mentioned situation was that I was accused of acting like a child. Well, thanks, I understand that sometimes I do, but if you'd been through the horrendous fucking things I have in my life (and you should know because I've told you about all of them, so you don't have much leeway where that's concerned), how do you move beyond self-protection? That's what it is - self-protection. It's making damned sure that you, that nobody else, will never hurt me again.
Folks, I haven't begun to outline the things that have happened to me in my lifetime. You only know some of it, I haven't scratched the surface. There's been abuse on almost every level. There's been rape. There's been molestation. In every corner of my life, there has been pain and hurt and anger that simply isn't, hasn't been, resolved. Is it any wonder that I react like a child sometimes? How would you handle my life if you were in my shoes? Think about it - hard. Some of you wouldn't make it. Some of you wouldn't begin to make it, you'd be screaming the heebie-jeebies before you got to age 10. I find it almost laughable, really. I fucking dare you to live my life and come out on the other side stronger. Go for it! 99% of you would lose.
Heh, sorry. It's obvious the anger is beginning to come out now, and maybe that's a good thing, really. I already feel a little better.
Sorry for yelling. Comments are welcomed, if you feel like it.
No Friday meme today. The subject is quite frankly boring (collaborations? who gives a rat's ass, doesn't it always happen anyway?) and I'm not really in the mood much to answer questions about anything.
This week has not been a good week. I've been quite ill for most of it, it's not going away, plus the above-mentioned situation is digging under my skin at the same time, so I've not been a happy camper nor have I been easy to deal with.
I've lost 10 pounds in the last week alone. Good news that I have, but bad news as to how I did it.
Anyway. Tomorrow is Saturday and I can get some of my frustration and anger out on the exercise machines. I'm so looking forward to that, because with the way I feel right now, that elliptical is toast.
I'll write later if I feel better. At this rate, I won't be writing until next April, but we'll see.
p.s. I received three Emails within an hour of writing this post asking me if they were the ones I was upset with. The answer is no. If I am upset with you. you will know. Trust me when I say this. I will, in time, get over my anger as I always do because I'm basically a soft-hearted patsy, and the world will spin round on its axis and everything will be fine. In the meamtime, I've soothed myself with retail therapy, including pre-ordering a copy of "Inglorious Basterds", which in my eyes is the film of the year, as far as I'm concerned. As for me, I will be perfectly fine, I assure you. I appreciate the concern. I'm not all right... right now. But I will be.
I think that I need to really take stock and review how my life's going. I don't know if I try to aim for too much or what, but I just have such a low, low tolerance for frustration... and for forgiveness. It seems that whenever anyone does me wrong, or what I perceive is a wrong, I just cut them loose, for good, I don't even stop to think about it. I think it's because I just have this zero-tolerance policy as far as someone hurting me is concerned. I've let a few people slide way more than they should have on this. And some I have cut loose without them doing much of anything to deserve it. I know that. I just really don't see how to stop it, because I pretty much expect everyone to hurt me before they even begin.
So much for me not talking a lot, huh.
I wish that I could be more of an adult about shit. I'm almost 38 now and I still approach things like a teenager (which could be a good thing sometimes, but in this case it isn't). One of the things that really, really hurt me in the above-mentioned situation was that I was accused of acting like a child. Well, thanks, I understand that sometimes I do, but if you'd been through the horrendous fucking things I have in my life (and you should know because I've told you about all of them, so you don't have much leeway where that's concerned), how do you move beyond self-protection? That's what it is - self-protection. It's making damned sure that you, that nobody else, will never hurt me again.
Folks, I haven't begun to outline the things that have happened to me in my lifetime. You only know some of it, I haven't scratched the surface. There's been abuse on almost every level. There's been rape. There's been molestation. In every corner of my life, there has been pain and hurt and anger that simply isn't, hasn't been, resolved. Is it any wonder that I react like a child sometimes? How would you handle my life if you were in my shoes? Think about it - hard. Some of you wouldn't make it. Some of you wouldn't begin to make it, you'd be screaming the heebie-jeebies before you got to age 10. I find it almost laughable, really. I fucking dare you to live my life and come out on the other side stronger. Go for it! 99% of you would lose.
Heh, sorry. It's obvious the anger is beginning to come out now, and maybe that's a good thing, really. I already feel a little better.
Sorry for yelling. Comments are welcomed, if you feel like it.
11 October 2009
Nothing much doing.
It seems that the Luvox has removed all sense of drama and/or stress from my life, as I've really not been anxious about too much of anything. The social life hasn't much improved, but then again I'm not really trying too hard as of late. I am more willing to get out and do things, so if that's what it's meant to do, I'm happy for that. I was shocked to see that the medicine (this one alone) is seventy dollars. At this rate, I think I'd rather be a fucked-up hermit than pay those prices. God, it's expensive to be sick.
It's been a quiet weekend. I'm off tomorrow for Columbus Day, not that I care much about the holiday or anything, but it's nice to relax. I got my paper in on time and I think I rather did well on it, but I won't know for sure until the instructor gets around to grading it. I have a feeling she's going to be a hardass about grammar and APA and... bleh. I did my best, that's all I can do.
I bought an external hard drive over the weekend and have been having absolute fun with backing up all of my music onto it. I thought I had a lot - 35 gigabytes - but that's only 1% capacity of this new drive, so I'm thrilled to have so much space. I don't think I'll ever be able to fill all of that up, but then I never thought I'd have so many files, either, or that I'd hear of so many bands. I do love my music, I will admit to that.
Seems that my life is horribly boring without the angst, isn't it. I need to get back to the gym tomorrow, I've been horribly neglectful on that front. I do still feel angst about that - sometimes I feel like exercising does me zero good, I'm still overweight and it doesn't seem as if it helps me... but I know that I have to at least try. Sure could use some results, though. I think that maybe I'd better see my doctor, because I'm one of those ones that has tried nearly literally everything to get rid of this weight, to no avail. I'm convinced that there's a medical difficulty somewhere - there has to be. This seems to be the month for reminders about medical appointments, as I just got a notice from my optometrist to go see them, too. And Miss Dandy Lion's got a checkup scheduled for January...
I can't believe I've had that cat almost a year now. Goddamn, where did the time go?
I'm not nearly the same person I was then...
Sigh. Too much nostalgia again. I'm moody.
Speaking of nostalgia, here's a video from 1977 - does anyone remember that fake-ass shit records that K-Tel used to put out? It's kind of the vinyl version of the "Now" series of CDs out today. Anyway, there's some commercials on this thing that... well, it'll make you laugh out loud. I want to know how much they paid those idiots in those robot suits to step around like they're standing in a nest of rattlesnakes. And a 12-inch black and white TV for 70 bucks? You'd laugh your ass off if they tried to sell one of those today.
Until next time, darlings. :p
It's been a quiet weekend. I'm off tomorrow for Columbus Day, not that I care much about the holiday or anything, but it's nice to relax. I got my paper in on time and I think I rather did well on it, but I won't know for sure until the instructor gets around to grading it. I have a feeling she's going to be a hardass about grammar and APA and... bleh. I did my best, that's all I can do.
I bought an external hard drive over the weekend and have been having absolute fun with backing up all of my music onto it. I thought I had a lot - 35 gigabytes - but that's only 1% capacity of this new drive, so I'm thrilled to have so much space. I don't think I'll ever be able to fill all of that up, but then I never thought I'd have so many files, either, or that I'd hear of so many bands. I do love my music, I will admit to that.
Seems that my life is horribly boring without the angst, isn't it. I need to get back to the gym tomorrow, I've been horribly neglectful on that front. I do still feel angst about that - sometimes I feel like exercising does me zero good, I'm still overweight and it doesn't seem as if it helps me... but I know that I have to at least try. Sure could use some results, though. I think that maybe I'd better see my doctor, because I'm one of those ones that has tried nearly literally everything to get rid of this weight, to no avail. I'm convinced that there's a medical difficulty somewhere - there has to be. This seems to be the month for reminders about medical appointments, as I just got a notice from my optometrist to go see them, too. And Miss Dandy Lion's got a checkup scheduled for January...
I can't believe I've had that cat almost a year now. Goddamn, where did the time go?
I'm not nearly the same person I was then...
Sigh. Too much nostalgia again. I'm moody.
Speaking of nostalgia, here's a video from 1977 - does anyone remember that fake-ass shit records that K-Tel used to put out? It's kind of the vinyl version of the "Now" series of CDs out today. Anyway, there's some commercials on this thing that... well, it'll make you laugh out loud. I want to know how much they paid those idiots in those robot suits to step around like they're standing in a nest of rattlesnakes. And a 12-inch black and white TV for 70 bucks? You'd laugh your ass off if they tried to sell one of those today.
Until next time, darlings. :p
30 August 2009
Up off of my ass.
I went down to Merritt Athletic (the downtown location) and finally signed up for a health club membership. It's not much different than when I worked out at Gold's when I lived in Albemarle Square, but DAC (Downtown Athletic Center, which is Merritt's old name) is bigger, has more features, and of course is twice the money, ugh. Still, I need to do this. I'm tired of being unhealthy both in body and mind, and if I can't do much about the mind, I can at least do something about the body. So.. I've committed myself - again. Here's hoping that I can make something out of it.
I must be serious about it, because I ended up going to Dick's and buying 200 dollars worth of workout clothes, shoes and gear. I don't spend money unless I'm serious about something.
They've recommended weight training for me to start with, and there's a 10am Saturday class that would be perfect for me, it's called "Bodypump". We'll see how it goes - I'm really sort of nervous about any group situation, with obvious reasons. Still, this wasn't a place where it seemed that a lot of 'body beautiful' is coming in, though you'll get that in any workout facility. We'll see. At least I'm out there and trying to do something about it.
They have racquetball courts there, too. I remember playing stoopball when I was a kid, racquetball seems no different. And I like the variety of options they have. It's open 24 hours a day, which is really important for me because my work schedule is so fucked. Plus if I have an aggravating day and I want to go work out at 4 in the morning, I can do it.
I have had an aggravating time of it this weekend. I've had attacks on both Friday AND Saturday nights, and I'm just bloody exhausted. I'm still going to work out in a few minutes, though, maybe I can get some of this anger out of me. I hope so. As usual it's about old issues that consistently flare up on a regular basis, and I'll be honest - I'm getting fucking sick of it. At this point in my life I don't need any stress.
Anyway. Here's hoping that this week will be at least an okay one. I go on the cruise not this Thursday, but the next. And I'll be away from stress and stupidity and everyone for ten days. I need the relaxation - even if it is with my mother.
Write more later if I feel the need.
I must be serious about it, because I ended up going to Dick's and buying 200 dollars worth of workout clothes, shoes and gear. I don't spend money unless I'm serious about something.
They've recommended weight training for me to start with, and there's a 10am Saturday class that would be perfect for me, it's called "Bodypump". We'll see how it goes - I'm really sort of nervous about any group situation, with obvious reasons. Still, this wasn't a place where it seemed that a lot of 'body beautiful' is coming in, though you'll get that in any workout facility. We'll see. At least I'm out there and trying to do something about it.
They have racquetball courts there, too. I remember playing stoopball when I was a kid, racquetball seems no different. And I like the variety of options they have. It's open 24 hours a day, which is really important for me because my work schedule is so fucked. Plus if I have an aggravating day and I want to go work out at 4 in the morning, I can do it.
I have had an aggravating time of it this weekend. I've had attacks on both Friday AND Saturday nights, and I'm just bloody exhausted. I'm still going to work out in a few minutes, though, maybe I can get some of this anger out of me. I hope so. As usual it's about old issues that consistently flare up on a regular basis, and I'll be honest - I'm getting fucking sick of it. At this point in my life I don't need any stress.
Anyway. Here's hoping that this week will be at least an okay one. I go on the cruise not this Thursday, but the next. And I'll be away from stress and stupidity and everyone for ten days. I need the relaxation - even if it is with my mother.
Write more later if I feel the need.
07 May 2009
Busy, busy, busy.
Haven't posted in a while, but things at work have picked up again, and I honestly haven't been feeling all that well physically. My tailbone has been irritating me for a better portion of the week - that's a spot that you really can't mess with, and it's also one of those places that one seriously, seriously takes for granted. All this week, it's hurt to sit down, lie down for more than a few minutes in one position, even move the muscles around it. I was telling someone the other day that it seems strange - I'm losing all of this weight, yet my medical problems are getting worse - what gives?
And am I ever losing weight! Almost none of my clothes fit me properly anymore. I've had to buy new pants, new shirts, even new underwear because everything's falling off of me. I suspect that losing weight is going to run me thousands of dollars at this rate!
Other than these little notes, there isn't really much else going on. Life is the same here at casa Ray.
Heh, there was a time where I couldn't have said that. Perhaps stability is finally coming to visit me, and wouldn't that be a switch.
More later.
And am I ever losing weight! Almost none of my clothes fit me properly anymore. I've had to buy new pants, new shirts, even new underwear because everything's falling off of me. I suspect that losing weight is going to run me thousands of dollars at this rate!
Other than these little notes, there isn't really much else going on. Life is the same here at casa Ray.
Heh, there was a time where I couldn't have said that. Perhaps stability is finally coming to visit me, and wouldn't that be a switch.
More later.
25 April 2009
The hot weather has arrived... bleaugh.
I hate summer. Did I mention that last year? No? Then allow me to rectify my mistake, heh. I not only hate summer, I despise it. Disgusting humidity, stifling temperatures, stickiness and sweat. Blech.
Bill Hicks said it best in his routine on the 'Arizona Bay' album: "What are you, a fuckin' lizard?" Heh.
I've been doing a bit more planning for this cruise, and I can't deny that I'm honestly excited about taking the trip. I'm in the middle of planning land excursions - so far it looks like I'll be doing the Titanic graveyard/museum in Halifax, and the Salem Witch Museum in Boston, those ought to be really good. But mainly, I'm just interested in getting away from Baltimore and urine and stress, heh. It's not Sydney - I'd love to go back to Sydney - but it'll do. I'm happy with it. (Though as much as my mother's spending on this, I could have bought two plane tickets to Sydney. Jeee-sus.)
I'm losing weight like crazy. Most of my casual jeans don't fit anymore, and I've been hitching them up all week, heh. My T-shirts are getting baggier, too. I don't know what this Wellbutrin's doing to me, but I'm melting away, lol. I should be happy about that, but I'm curiously... apathetic. I guess it is a way to hide myself away from the world, and now that it's going away, I'm growing increasingly nervous. In any case, I need new clothes desperately, heh.
In time. Financial picture is not good at the moment. But I'll get through, I've always managed before and will do so again.
Otherwise, it's business as usual. I'm in a good mood, albeit kind of tired. I had a false alarm involving my mother's cat this morning - we thought she was very sick and needed to go to the vet - but it turned out that there was just another cat in the window and she was having a hissy fit. Eeesh - cats.
Until next time, cheers.
Bill Hicks said it best in his routine on the 'Arizona Bay' album: "What are you, a fuckin' lizard?" Heh.
I've been doing a bit more planning for this cruise, and I can't deny that I'm honestly excited about taking the trip. I'm in the middle of planning land excursions - so far it looks like I'll be doing the Titanic graveyard/museum in Halifax, and the Salem Witch Museum in Boston, those ought to be really good. But mainly, I'm just interested in getting away from Baltimore and urine and stress, heh. It's not Sydney - I'd love to go back to Sydney - but it'll do. I'm happy with it. (Though as much as my mother's spending on this, I could have bought two plane tickets to Sydney. Jeee-sus.)
I'm losing weight like crazy. Most of my casual jeans don't fit anymore, and I've been hitching them up all week, heh. My T-shirts are getting baggier, too. I don't know what this Wellbutrin's doing to me, but I'm melting away, lol. I should be happy about that, but I'm curiously... apathetic. I guess it is a way to hide myself away from the world, and now that it's going away, I'm growing increasingly nervous. In any case, I need new clothes desperately, heh.
In time. Financial picture is not good at the moment. But I'll get through, I've always managed before and will do so again.
Otherwise, it's business as usual. I'm in a good mood, albeit kind of tired. I had a false alarm involving my mother's cat this morning - we thought she was very sick and needed to go to the vet - but it turned out that there was just another cat in the window and she was having a hissy fit. Eeesh - cats.
Until next time, cheers.
23 April 2009
Meeting update...
...everything is okay, I didn't get singled out, and I feel better.
Yes, yes, I know. I overreacted. Fuck you again. :D (Just kidding.)
On a different note, Subway sandwiches are fucking delicious and good for you. Who could want anything more?
Yes, yes, I know. I overreacted. Fuck you again. :D (Just kidding.)
On a different note, Subway sandwiches are fucking delicious and good for you. Who could want anything more?
15 April 2009
Read this... your opinions are wanted, please.
I want everyone who reads this blog on a regular basis to read the following link - it's a news story that appeared on Yahoo! News today. Read the story before you read the rest of the post. Go on, I dare you. :p
Read Here Before You Read The Rest
Okay, read the story? Good deal. Here's my take on it.
I had very mixed feelings while reading this article. On the one hand, as a woman that's been overweight (okay, well, obese maybe even) most of my life... I was utterly disgusted by UAL's action today. But... on the other hand I can actually see the reasoning behind it. With that being said.. I'm not actually sure of whether I approve of this action or not. I'm horribly conflicted.
As time goes on, I'm starting to lose a lot of weight - I know I've lost close to 40, 50 pounds since my last airline trip (last summer to Sydney). I didn't have to use an extension belt on that trip, and yes, I could get the armrest down - so perhaps UAL's proposed action doesn't affect me at all. (Especially not now. If I could follow regulation for a plane trip back then, I assure you that I'm not even close to being considered 'obese' by their standards now.) Maybe I have no right to say anything at all, then. But... here is what bothers me about the decision they're undertaking.
They're (the folks at UAL) running the risk of a discrimination suit. Not because Person A eats too many Big Macs and fries, all right - but there are other causes of obesity than simply 'eating too much'. People who have documented medical difficulties such as thyroid problems, diabetes, eating disorders (and I don't mean eating too much - I mean things like bulimia, anorexia, etc.), polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)... the list goes on and on. As a matter of fact, if you look hard enough, you can find a lot of reasons why someone might be overweight/obese. Just Google it - you'll find enough information to fill the Library of Congress and then some.
In any case... let's say that you suffer from one of said medical conditions, and that your weight is a direct result of that condition. Should you be forced to pay for two seats? That's like telling black people to "go sit in the back, the front seats are for whites only", now isn't it?
UAL and other airlines (because they're not the only ones by a long shot) have their reasons for making a policy like this, on the other hand. Who wants to be on a long-haul flight where you can't even be comfortable in a seat? Especially if you're being crushed by someone's flesh? I've been in situations like this myself. As overweight as I am (or was), I myself have had the unpleasant experience of being overwhelmed by someone who was morbidly obese to the point where they couldn't even walk correctly. I find that a frightening, sad thing - but there is help for this. There isn't a reason to suffer like this anymore, and those who don't get that taken care of by a doctor, well, that's on them. The people who are happy with being that kind of a size? They're the ones that should absolutely pay for two, three, four seats. Hell, let them have a whole row to themselves.
But those under a doctor's care, that's a dicey situation. It really is.
Airplanes are not known for their comfortable seats, anyway, unless you're in business class. When I flew to Sydney last year, I was probably shoved into the most uncomfortable seating arrangement ever, and that wasn't Air New Zealand's fault - that was just how the plane's made. There's nothing one can do about that.
Anyhow, I found this story rather fascinating. And I'm interested in what you all think about it. Is there anything to all of what UAL is trying to do, do you consider it discrimination, are there solutions to make all sides happy? I'm really curious as to what you think.
Briefly, on a personal note: things are improving. More later on that.
Read Here Before You Read The Rest
Okay, read the story? Good deal. Here's my take on it.
I had very mixed feelings while reading this article. On the one hand, as a woman that's been overweight (okay, well, obese maybe even) most of my life... I was utterly disgusted by UAL's action today. But... on the other hand I can actually see the reasoning behind it. With that being said.. I'm not actually sure of whether I approve of this action or not. I'm horribly conflicted.
As time goes on, I'm starting to lose a lot of weight - I know I've lost close to 40, 50 pounds since my last airline trip (last summer to Sydney). I didn't have to use an extension belt on that trip, and yes, I could get the armrest down - so perhaps UAL's proposed action doesn't affect me at all. (Especially not now. If I could follow regulation for a plane trip back then, I assure you that I'm not even close to being considered 'obese' by their standards now.) Maybe I have no right to say anything at all, then. But... here is what bothers me about the decision they're undertaking.
They're (the folks at UAL) running the risk of a discrimination suit. Not because Person A eats too many Big Macs and fries, all right - but there are other causes of obesity than simply 'eating too much'. People who have documented medical difficulties such as thyroid problems, diabetes, eating disorders (and I don't mean eating too much - I mean things like bulimia, anorexia, etc.), polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)... the list goes on and on. As a matter of fact, if you look hard enough, you can find a lot of reasons why someone might be overweight/obese. Just Google it - you'll find enough information to fill the Library of Congress and then some.
In any case... let's say that you suffer from one of said medical conditions, and that your weight is a direct result of that condition. Should you be forced to pay for two seats? That's like telling black people to "go sit in the back, the front seats are for whites only", now isn't it?
UAL and other airlines (because they're not the only ones by a long shot) have their reasons for making a policy like this, on the other hand. Who wants to be on a long-haul flight where you can't even be comfortable in a seat? Especially if you're being crushed by someone's flesh? I've been in situations like this myself. As overweight as I am (or was), I myself have had the unpleasant experience of being overwhelmed by someone who was morbidly obese to the point where they couldn't even walk correctly. I find that a frightening, sad thing - but there is help for this. There isn't a reason to suffer like this anymore, and those who don't get that taken care of by a doctor, well, that's on them. The people who are happy with being that kind of a size? They're the ones that should absolutely pay for two, three, four seats. Hell, let them have a whole row to themselves.
But those under a doctor's care, that's a dicey situation. It really is.
Airplanes are not known for their comfortable seats, anyway, unless you're in business class. When I flew to Sydney last year, I was probably shoved into the most uncomfortable seating arrangement ever, and that wasn't Air New Zealand's fault - that was just how the plane's made. There's nothing one can do about that.
Anyhow, I found this story rather fascinating. And I'm interested in what you all think about it. Is there anything to all of what UAL is trying to do, do you consider it discrimination, are there solutions to make all sides happy? I'm really curious as to what you think.
Briefly, on a personal note: things are improving. More later on that.
04 March 2009
Lots on my mind, with nowhere to put it.
As usual, I had a bunch of stuff to write about today, but I have no energy to actually do so. Perhaps if I just ramble a bit, it might come to me...
Ah, yes. I do remember thinking today while at work that not all is rosy in the land of D.C. drug testing. Apparently I'm not the only one that's been expressing dislike of my coworkers as of late - just this week, I've heard back-biting and sniping from at least three other people, two of which apparently have a snit with each other. The only difference between them and me, however, is that I keep my sniping to myself (and share it with you all when I get home, hah).
I swear to God, working down there is like working in a daycare center - full of 40 year olds. Fucking sad, I'm telling you.
I'm losing a hellish amount of weight, though. I've lost at least 35 pounds since September, and heading full steam for more. I've not been so light on my feet for quite a while now - it feels really strange sometimes. In some ways I'm really afraid, though.. because I guess I've used my excess weight for a long time as an excuse to keep people away from me, to deflect attention from me. I've never wanted attention, never have craved it, because it's never been a positive thing for me - whether I was "skinny" or not. I wasn't always like this - I have a photograph of me when I was 8 years old, just before the molestation started... and I was not overweight. I was actually quite thin, really. It was only after I was molested... that my troubles began for me. That's how I remember it, anyway.
I was on the phone with my mother this evening, and she said something, I can't remember what, but it was in the vein of reminiscence... and all of a sudden I just started to cry. I don't really know what she said to make it happen, except that it actually sounded like an apology for treating me like she did, and for focusing almost solely on my brother all of these years. But I did. I cried like a baby on that train coming home tonight. I just didn't let her hear it, that's all. Because I know deep down inside that things won't change. She'll still think that my brother is the be-all and end-all of the world.
For once, though.. it was nice to hear that I do matter. Even a little bit.
Heh, for someone that didn't quite know what to talk about tonight, I'm saying plenty, aren't I?
It's all a part of my healing. I'm trying, really hard. Whether it's doing me any good, I don't know... I don't feel any differently. But maybe the people who know me well can see it. I hope they'd tell me if they do.
Just a quick update - it looks like I can transfer 19 credits from my old college to UMUC. That's a lot better than I thought, and I don't have to suffer through English 101 again - thank Christ for that. But I'm still stuck with the fucking math course. Bleargh. More later about that as it develops, heh.
Oh, well. Thursday at the drug unit tomorrow, let the idiocy begin. I hope I can get through it all.
Thanks for listening, if you've gotten this far.
Ah, yes. I do remember thinking today while at work that not all is rosy in the land of D.C. drug testing. Apparently I'm not the only one that's been expressing dislike of my coworkers as of late - just this week, I've heard back-biting and sniping from at least three other people, two of which apparently have a snit with each other. The only difference between them and me, however, is that I keep my sniping to myself (and share it with you all when I get home, hah).
I swear to God, working down there is like working in a daycare center - full of 40 year olds. Fucking sad, I'm telling you.
I'm losing a hellish amount of weight, though. I've lost at least 35 pounds since September, and heading full steam for more. I've not been so light on my feet for quite a while now - it feels really strange sometimes. In some ways I'm really afraid, though.. because I guess I've used my excess weight for a long time as an excuse to keep people away from me, to deflect attention from me. I've never wanted attention, never have craved it, because it's never been a positive thing for me - whether I was "skinny" or not. I wasn't always like this - I have a photograph of me when I was 8 years old, just before the molestation started... and I was not overweight. I was actually quite thin, really. It was only after I was molested... that my troubles began for me. That's how I remember it, anyway.
I was on the phone with my mother this evening, and she said something, I can't remember what, but it was in the vein of reminiscence... and all of a sudden I just started to cry. I don't really know what she said to make it happen, except that it actually sounded like an apology for treating me like she did, and for focusing almost solely on my brother all of these years. But I did. I cried like a baby on that train coming home tonight. I just didn't let her hear it, that's all. Because I know deep down inside that things won't change. She'll still think that my brother is the be-all and end-all of the world.
For once, though.. it was nice to hear that I do matter. Even a little bit.
Heh, for someone that didn't quite know what to talk about tonight, I'm saying plenty, aren't I?
It's all a part of my healing. I'm trying, really hard. Whether it's doing me any good, I don't know... I don't feel any differently. But maybe the people who know me well can see it. I hope they'd tell me if they do.
Just a quick update - it looks like I can transfer 19 credits from my old college to UMUC. That's a lot better than I thought, and I don't have to suffer through English 101 again - thank Christ for that. But I'm still stuck with the fucking math course. Bleargh. More later about that as it develops, heh.
Oh, well. Thursday at the drug unit tomorrow, let the idiocy begin. I hope I can get through it all.
Thanks for listening, if you've gotten this far.
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