.....

Not really feeling much like writing, but I'm forcing myself to, if only to give myself a rope to hang onto while I'm feeling down. I'm seriously trying to hold on. A lot of things haven't been going right, but that's par for the course, or so it seems.

The 8k tax credit that I'm supposed to be getting? Well, the amended return has now, as of Monday, landed in the IRS's "examination unit" - which basically means audit. Great. I can more or less kiss that money goodbye, because they ALWAYS find something wrong. I haven't been dishonest in the least about my taxes - can't afford to be, I work for the gubmint, for fuck's sake - but they'll find something wrong and they'll take all of the tax credit, or a partial amount. I'll bet you eight thousand dollars, hah hah. (sour sigh)

I'm looking for therapy again. I can't deal with the feelings that I've been having as of late, and the attacks are starting to come again, now at an alarming rate. I could barely keep it together at work today. Not a good sign, just not good. I've found one place that might be able to work with my fucked-up hours, but they're religious in nature and I'm a little (no, make that a LOT) leery of it. Still.. what have I got to lose anymore? If it takes swallowing a bunch of crap rhetoric to make me whole again, I'll swallow it AND like it. I'm sick of this. I am sick of being sick, tired of being tired.

I'm also scheduling an appointment with my primary doctor to get a workup. I also think there's something (no, a lot of things) physically wrong with me. I don't know what else I can go through that's worse than what I already have been. Again - what have I got to lose?

We lost another lead tech today at work. That's the second one in 4 months. They're never going to get anyone to willingly fill that position, it's too much work and too little compensation. The ex-manager I had is now branch chief (a good thing) and we have a new manager, who's nice.. but never there. Basically right now we're lawless, and it's not boding well for any of us. I liked the last lead tech because she whipped these assholes into shape. Not now. She left today, and it was sad to see the smile on her face as she was sailing out the door. They gave her utter fucking hell and I'll be the first one to say it - they treated her like crap. It's no wonder she didn't want to stay. Now? God, it's going to be rough.

No developments on the Eye Candy front. I've actually been going out of my way to avoid him, to be honest, because he sees me at my worst and I don't even want to try to impress him. I don't care what he or anyone else thinks. Fuck 'em all.

Classes going okay, I guess. Like everything else, I've given up caring. I fail these? Fuck it, what's the difference, I owe a shit-ton of money now in school loans, so what difference does it make if I fail? It's another thousand on top of more thousands. It doesn't matter. I'll be fucking fifty years old before I get that degree anyway, the way things are going. What good will it do me then?

Sorry. It's a downbeat post. I don't care. I AM downbeat, depressed, sad, overwhelmingly lonely and damned close to feeling suicidal again. What's the difference? What does anything matter anymore?

I have no one to tell me that it's going to be all right. No one. And even if I did, I don't know that I could ever believe it....

God, help me survive this endless fucking darkness...