It's Monday morning at 3:20am, which means that the neighborhood is dead quiet - not even a car rolling by, all I hear are the birds singing. I have my window open, since it's late April and pretty nice out. My husband is next to me, sleeping the sleep of the calm and happy (he's snoring, so I can tell, hah). And I'm wide awake, since I actually fell asleep after my exercise session at the gym and got a good bit of rest.
Seems a good time to reflect upon recent events.
The truth is that there really isn't too much to say. I've achieved most of what I've planned, so far. I'm married now to a good man who loves me (and I must say that this second marriage is already a thousand times happier than my first, even after only a month). I'll be graduating from college in three weeks, a feat that I never in my wildest dreams thought would happen, ever. I've lost almost eighty pounds in two years, with more slated to come off as my exercise routine gets better, and stronger (and it is... more about that in a minute). My three-year waiting period for the house ends in a week (you know, the 8k tax credit - I have to live here for three years in order not to have to pay that back to the government. Once it ends, I can move and I don't owe anyone anything), so... if I want to move, I can (not that we're planning on it soon, but you know).
The only sour note is that I'm way behind in my finances. I was hoping to have a lot more paid off than this. Unfortunately, the bullshit with the legal case totally derailed that - but I'll eventually catch up. I'm still not sure if I'm going to graduate school yet - it depends on the economy and whether sequestration will continue, etc. So far, it doesn't look good - no one's even mentioned it coming to an end. It may never come to an end, at this rate.
So that's up in the air. But everything else, so far, is on track.
I was in the gym today, working out, and I was really getting into the routine - feeling the sweat pouring down my face and my body, which is normally a pretty icky feeling to me (and it's one of the reasons that I dislike working out, to be honest). Today, though, I was reveling in it for some reason - then I started to notice that I would feel a little "nudge" in my legs - it was the feel of the excess fat/skin/whatever rubbing up against my leg. It wasn't a lot (just so you all don't get grossed out, you know), but it was enough to motivate me to work out even harder. It was like, "oh my God, you're nasty, go AWAY." Know what I mean?
Suddenly, with each step I took, with each rotation on that elliptical, it was like I was saying "fuck you" to everyone who had ever told me that I was worthless, grotesque, ugly. It was a constant "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you." (Yes, I'm actually kind of laughing thinking about that.) But it was incredible. I worked out so hard today, almost 700 calories burned in one session, which for me is insane.
Yes, I'm a beginner. But for some reason... I think this time it's going to stick. There was a time where I did it to make an impression on others - this time, this shit is for me, because I don't have anyone I need to impress. My husband loves me whether I'm obese or not - he's proven that.
This time, it's for me. This time, I'm saying "fuck you" to the ones that never believed in me.
The music helps. I've been working on my mp3 collection (yes, again, I'm so freaking obsessive, that's NEVER changed about me), so I've had to use Slacker Radio for workouts. Oddly, they've come up with stuff I never knew about and that I'm seriously digging. The song below is one of my newer favorites:
I marvel at how far I've truly come.
I wonder sometimes, only sometimes, what those who put me down before would think of me now. I wonder sometimes if I'm strong enough to confront those that have tried so hard to see me in the ground, either figuratively or literally. But, to be honest... that wondering only extends to what I would do if I saw them again. I'm vindictive enough to laugh in their faces.
Anger is a powerful, powerful motivator. But... in the end, you know what? It's only useful when it helps me. I don't think about it beyond that.
I think I'm going off into a tangent now, so I'm going to stop here. But... my life is good. It's getting better. It's going to keep getting better.
:)
Showing posts with label video. Show all posts
Showing posts with label video. Show all posts
22 April 2013
26 September 2011
The wounds are beginning to close.
I start this with the feeling that I want to write something, but... I don't really have a clear purpose in mind. This most likely means that it's going to be a lot of rambling about nothing, so if you don't really give a rat's ass about the inner workings of my head, it's probably best to skip this one. It's okay, really - I won't be upset about it. :p
My wrist and hand are doing a lot better, though they're not "fixed" by any means. I am still having trouble with some things such as putting on a bra or clothes that have to be buttoned (though I'm doing well with tying shoelaces, oddly). Today, I was able to tie my hair back into a tail for the first time since the accident, a very good sign. I am able to type again with both hands, though on a limited basis (I can only do it for short periods before I have to "rest" again - it's the way the cast is wrapped, bluh). My next orthopedic appointment is for October 5th, and there's a good possibility that I'll be able to get the cast off completely, though I'm sure I'll still have to wear a soft brace for a while. Still, it's better than this heavy monstrosity that seems to weigh more and more each passing day. Ugh!
I once again have been thinking of my recent past... only now I just feel indifference. It no longer matters. None of it does. I have survived the pain and I have come out on the other side stronger, healthier, more determined than ever. Perhaps the ghosts have finally been vanquished... or at the very least, put to rest.
Yesterday, my therapist shortened my appointments to once a month. When I first began seeing him, it was once a week. It's further proof that the depression is now fading away, or at least has been pushed way, way back onto the closet shelf. It gives me hope that I continue to improve, little by little, day by day. I hope that the depression stays gone - forever.
Still, I bear its scars. I suspect that I always will.
My relationship with Greg continues to flourish. I still pinch myself some days, wondering how all of this came to be... but I am trying not to question my good fortune, but to simply enjoy it.
It's strange, but I now wonder what this blog will become, now that my mental health has improved, if not been restored altogether. This used to be my complaining ground, my "best friend", the one place that I knew I could scream, whine, be emo, cry, sob my stupid head off. But now? I don't really know what purpose it serves these days, as I have very little to complain or cry about. I question whether I will - or should - continue to write in it. The lack of posting recently is no accident, really - I've just not had too much to say. I've been too busy living my life - and I've discovered that there IS a life out there!
(Though my wrist being broken doesn't lead me to want to use it too much in the pursuit of writing, or anything else. There is that, heh.)
And now, a video. :p Actually... this song has a certain meaning to me, as it's one of the last songs I remember... before the depression took over my life. :(
Yes, I cry when I hear this.
Enjoy. Until next time.
My wrist and hand are doing a lot better, though they're not "fixed" by any means. I am still having trouble with some things such as putting on a bra or clothes that have to be buttoned (though I'm doing well with tying shoelaces, oddly). Today, I was able to tie my hair back into a tail for the first time since the accident, a very good sign. I am able to type again with both hands, though on a limited basis (I can only do it for short periods before I have to "rest" again - it's the way the cast is wrapped, bluh). My next orthopedic appointment is for October 5th, and there's a good possibility that I'll be able to get the cast off completely, though I'm sure I'll still have to wear a soft brace for a while. Still, it's better than this heavy monstrosity that seems to weigh more and more each passing day. Ugh!
I once again have been thinking of my recent past... only now I just feel indifference. It no longer matters. None of it does. I have survived the pain and I have come out on the other side stronger, healthier, more determined than ever. Perhaps the ghosts have finally been vanquished... or at the very least, put to rest.
Yesterday, my therapist shortened my appointments to once a month. When I first began seeing him, it was once a week. It's further proof that the depression is now fading away, or at least has been pushed way, way back onto the closet shelf. It gives me hope that I continue to improve, little by little, day by day. I hope that the depression stays gone - forever.
Still, I bear its scars. I suspect that I always will.
My relationship with Greg continues to flourish. I still pinch myself some days, wondering how all of this came to be... but I am trying not to question my good fortune, but to simply enjoy it.
It's strange, but I now wonder what this blog will become, now that my mental health has improved, if not been restored altogether. This used to be my complaining ground, my "best friend", the one place that I knew I could scream, whine, be emo, cry, sob my stupid head off. But now? I don't really know what purpose it serves these days, as I have very little to complain or cry about. I question whether I will - or should - continue to write in it. The lack of posting recently is no accident, really - I've just not had too much to say. I've been too busy living my life - and I've discovered that there IS a life out there!
(Though my wrist being broken doesn't lead me to want to use it too much in the pursuit of writing, or anything else. There is that, heh.)
And now, a video. :p Actually... this song has a certain meaning to me, as it's one of the last songs I remember... before the depression took over my life. :(
Yes, I cry when I hear this.
Enjoy. Until next time.
01 February 2011
Hmmm.
This song has been on my mind tonight, for some reason. I will never understand in all of my days how we got from a beautiful piece of music like this to the utter desolation and crap that music is today.
31 December 2010
A pragmatic ending and a hopeful beginning.
So, here we are again; it's the annual "end of the year" post where I refuse to recap the past 12 months and insist that you go look it all up in the previous entries. :p
I think that I'm going to take a different stance on things this year, though, in that for once, I have a lot of things to talk about. I've been very loquacious these past two weeks - more so than I have been in the last two years. I'm talking, sharing, relating with people. It's a strange, heady feeling, but it's also not feeling false or forced. It used to be that I'd make an attempt at being sociable, and afterwards I would feel horrible, as if I'd talked too much or sounded tinny and false; which in retrospect, probably wasn't far off the mark. But I'm actually feeling pretty well today. Today is one of my "good days", I guess you could say.
So I'll just do a quick recap of the past year, through my eyes, which have been blinded for a good portion of the time... but the cobwebs are truly beginning to clear.
The best part of the year for me was easily buying this house back in April. This was the best move I have ever made for myself, bar none. I don't think that anything can compare to the knowledge that I have that this house is mine, that I will never be forced to move on because of circumstance or because I wasn't wanted somewhere. I still have a long way to go as far as getting the things that I need... but for the first time in... what may be forever.... I now feel that I have a real home.
Other highlights of the year include my finding my therapist, who has helped me more than I can ever say. I have come forward in great strides since August, when I began seeing him on a regular basis, and have knocked down some impenetrable walls since - all without drugs or being locked up. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for this, believe me, but I'm taking the tools that I'm slowly learning and using them for my good, and in the end for others' good as well.
I've learned that in order to love other people, I need to love myself first and foremost. I've learned that maybe being ethical isn't a bad thing. I've learned that perhaps honesty is the way to go, and I've learned that other peoples' shortcomings aren't necessarily my own. Last night, I had a long, good talk with a friend who has been through hell and back with me and this illness... I mean, I have seriously put him through the wringer with this shit. I told him that I've learned that I am the sum of my experiences - one bad experience does not make my whole life, nor does it make me as a complete person. I've learned that while there are bad things in one's life, and even whole blocks of bad times, there's also some good times and experiences in almost everything one does.
And I've learned that my family's mistakes aren't mine. I've learned that even though I've been abused, I can rise above it - that indeed, it is my duty to rise above it and make something out of myself. And I think I've begun that process. There's always more I can do, and more work to be done. But 2011 will be a part of that work, and if there's anything I've learned from this depression, it's that self-improvement can never harm, and always helps.
Pretty heavy stuff, huh? :)
Now... the worst part of the year, well. I'll be straight with you on this - in some ways, the worst part of the year actually turned me around and began the real job of healing. If you go back to late September, where I'd said that something horrible had happened to me and that I couldn't discuss it.... that is the worst part of the year for me. I will reveal that incident now - basically, I'd had a date with someone I'd met online, and it ended up that I was more or less raped. It wasn't a violent incident, but.... the details really don't matter, because when someone says no, no matter what part of the buildup you're in - if they don't stop, it's rape. And that's what it turned out to be.
I'll be frank with you. I considered suicide. I wanted to die. I was very, very close to taking a butcher knife out of the kitchen and driving it into my chest. I was violated, humiliated, thought that death was the only escape from all of the misery and depression symptoms. I couldn't cope. And I didn't tell anyone about it, because.... what could I really say? It was that old self-validation kicking in, the sense that I needed this asshole's approval to feel good about myself. Isn't that terrible?
But, you see... after that weekend, where I lay on my sofa, dry-eyed and burning with hate... that's when it all started to turn around for me. I had that choice in my hands... life or death. That knife in my hands would determine the course of my fate. And quite honestly, that was one heavy, heavy choice. To know that I had the power to end it all.... or to fight the disgust, anger, depression, the effects of the abuse that I've endured throughout my life. Was I really worth nothing more than peoples' scorn and abuse? Or was it up to me to make myself worth more?
Ever since that day, I have had a steel determination to never, never, ever let someone abuse me again - in any way, shape or form. The minute that boundaries are crossed, I cut them loose, and I don't allow anyone to take more than I'm willing to give them. I no longer accept being treated like a second-class citizen, from anybody or anything. If people don't like me, that's just too bad - they have a choice to not be around me, just like I have a choice not to be treated like garbage.
I'm not second-best. I'm not someone's option, I am a goddamn PRIORITY, and I will be treated like one!
So... that was the worst part of it for me. The cruise in September just before that wasn't nearly as awful, but it wasn't a huge success, either. I just don't think that cruising is the type of vacation I enjoy, and I probably won't go again. Otherwise, it's been kind of a quiet year, and one filled with self-discoveries and learning, some good and some bad.
Now, for the predictions of 2011. I don't do resolutions, you see, as calling them 'resolutions' is a sure way of making them not happen, heh.
Career: I think it's going to continue to be full of changes and improvements. If I receive another promotion next year, I'll be elevated to a GS-6, which isn't much more in the pay scale, but it's a huge step as far as levels are concerned. I am more or less satisfied with the job for the present time, though I need to start thinking about ramping up the skill set and maybe updating a few of my abilities.
Health, Mental: I seriously feel that I'm going to continue to improve on this front. I have never felt better than in the last 2 weeks. Yes, I continue to have some spells, but they're much shorter in duration and come during fragile times of the year such as the holidays or my birthday. Therapy continues. We shall see.
Health, Physical: I haven't been able to concentrate on this front in 2010, and I have unfortunately begun to see some deterioration in my body because of it. I still do not have the inherited family difficulties yet (varicose veins, respiratory issues, circulation problems), but they're slowly coming. I have had some disturbing physical symptoms appear due to my weight, which I am making a huge priority to do something about this year. I am considering doing a separate blog for this issue alone (which I shall surely share when the time is right). This isn't a resolution, okay; this is an issue that I am taking VERY seriously. I will be much healthier physically by this time next year, or there will be a damned good reason why, which in that case, I will seriously put the option of bariatric surgery on the table. I'm done with looking and feeling like a pile of crap. If I can work to heal my mind and be rid of this depression - I can lose this fucking weight.
I ask for everyone's support for this, because if I do have surgery, it will be a lifetime change that I will have to deal with, and it's very frightening.
Social Life/Relationships: No progress on this front in 2010. The last two weeks of this year have been a little abnormal, but it's because I'm feeling pretty well. Otherwise, there has been little to no change. I am not concerned about it, as I have repeatedly stated that I'm not ready for it. For 2011, I predict that there still won't be a lot of changes, though I think it'll get slightly easier. Time will tell.
Financial: I end 2010 in excellent financial shape. I'm hoping to have a lot more in savings and investments in 2011, though I'll always have a little bit of a shopping bug, probably more so than usual now because of the house. I'm not going to hesitate in treating myself to things, though, should I want something.
....and that's it. That's really all that I wanted to say tonight. Basically, I'm not unhappy to see 2010 depart, but at the same time, I feel that it was a year of transition for me, from desperately ill to recovering. Hopefully by this time in 2011, I can finally report that I'm doing much better. :)
This is the song that, for me, sums up how I feel 2011 will be. I hope that it is!
Happy New Year to all. May it be everything that you want it to be.
I think that I'm going to take a different stance on things this year, though, in that for once, I have a lot of things to talk about. I've been very loquacious these past two weeks - more so than I have been in the last two years. I'm talking, sharing, relating with people. It's a strange, heady feeling, but it's also not feeling false or forced. It used to be that I'd make an attempt at being sociable, and afterwards I would feel horrible, as if I'd talked too much or sounded tinny and false; which in retrospect, probably wasn't far off the mark. But I'm actually feeling pretty well today. Today is one of my "good days", I guess you could say.
So I'll just do a quick recap of the past year, through my eyes, which have been blinded for a good portion of the time... but the cobwebs are truly beginning to clear.
The best part of the year for me was easily buying this house back in April. This was the best move I have ever made for myself, bar none. I don't think that anything can compare to the knowledge that I have that this house is mine, that I will never be forced to move on because of circumstance or because I wasn't wanted somewhere. I still have a long way to go as far as getting the things that I need... but for the first time in... what may be forever.... I now feel that I have a real home.
Other highlights of the year include my finding my therapist, who has helped me more than I can ever say. I have come forward in great strides since August, when I began seeing him on a regular basis, and have knocked down some impenetrable walls since - all without drugs or being locked up. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for this, believe me, but I'm taking the tools that I'm slowly learning and using them for my good, and in the end for others' good as well.
I've learned that in order to love other people, I need to love myself first and foremost. I've learned that maybe being ethical isn't a bad thing. I've learned that perhaps honesty is the way to go, and I've learned that other peoples' shortcomings aren't necessarily my own. Last night, I had a long, good talk with a friend who has been through hell and back with me and this illness... I mean, I have seriously put him through the wringer with this shit. I told him that I've learned that I am the sum of my experiences - one bad experience does not make my whole life, nor does it make me as a complete person. I've learned that while there are bad things in one's life, and even whole blocks of bad times, there's also some good times and experiences in almost everything one does.
And I've learned that my family's mistakes aren't mine. I've learned that even though I've been abused, I can rise above it - that indeed, it is my duty to rise above it and make something out of myself. And I think I've begun that process. There's always more I can do, and more work to be done. But 2011 will be a part of that work, and if there's anything I've learned from this depression, it's that self-improvement can never harm, and always helps.
Pretty heavy stuff, huh? :)
Now... the worst part of the year, well. I'll be straight with you on this - in some ways, the worst part of the year actually turned me around and began the real job of healing. If you go back to late September, where I'd said that something horrible had happened to me and that I couldn't discuss it.... that is the worst part of the year for me. I will reveal that incident now - basically, I'd had a date with someone I'd met online, and it ended up that I was more or less raped. It wasn't a violent incident, but.... the details really don't matter, because when someone says no, no matter what part of the buildup you're in - if they don't stop, it's rape. And that's what it turned out to be.
I'll be frank with you. I considered suicide. I wanted to die. I was very, very close to taking a butcher knife out of the kitchen and driving it into my chest. I was violated, humiliated, thought that death was the only escape from all of the misery and depression symptoms. I couldn't cope. And I didn't tell anyone about it, because.... what could I really say? It was that old self-validation kicking in, the sense that I needed this asshole's approval to feel good about myself. Isn't that terrible?
But, you see... after that weekend, where I lay on my sofa, dry-eyed and burning with hate... that's when it all started to turn around for me. I had that choice in my hands... life or death. That knife in my hands would determine the course of my fate. And quite honestly, that was one heavy, heavy choice. To know that I had the power to end it all.... or to fight the disgust, anger, depression, the effects of the abuse that I've endured throughout my life. Was I really worth nothing more than peoples' scorn and abuse? Or was it up to me to make myself worth more?
Ever since that day, I have had a steel determination to never, never, ever let someone abuse me again - in any way, shape or form. The minute that boundaries are crossed, I cut them loose, and I don't allow anyone to take more than I'm willing to give them. I no longer accept being treated like a second-class citizen, from anybody or anything. If people don't like me, that's just too bad - they have a choice to not be around me, just like I have a choice not to be treated like garbage.
I'm not second-best. I'm not someone's option, I am a goddamn PRIORITY, and I will be treated like one!
So... that was the worst part of it for me. The cruise in September just before that wasn't nearly as awful, but it wasn't a huge success, either. I just don't think that cruising is the type of vacation I enjoy, and I probably won't go again. Otherwise, it's been kind of a quiet year, and one filled with self-discoveries and learning, some good and some bad.
Now, for the predictions of 2011. I don't do resolutions, you see, as calling them 'resolutions' is a sure way of making them not happen, heh.
Career: I think it's going to continue to be full of changes and improvements. If I receive another promotion next year, I'll be elevated to a GS-6, which isn't much more in the pay scale, but it's a huge step as far as levels are concerned. I am more or less satisfied with the job for the present time, though I need to start thinking about ramping up the skill set and maybe updating a few of my abilities.
Health, Mental: I seriously feel that I'm going to continue to improve on this front. I have never felt better than in the last 2 weeks. Yes, I continue to have some spells, but they're much shorter in duration and come during fragile times of the year such as the holidays or my birthday. Therapy continues. We shall see.
Health, Physical: I haven't been able to concentrate on this front in 2010, and I have unfortunately begun to see some deterioration in my body because of it. I still do not have the inherited family difficulties yet (varicose veins, respiratory issues, circulation problems), but they're slowly coming. I have had some disturbing physical symptoms appear due to my weight, which I am making a huge priority to do something about this year. I am considering doing a separate blog for this issue alone (which I shall surely share when the time is right). This isn't a resolution, okay; this is an issue that I am taking VERY seriously. I will be much healthier physically by this time next year, or there will be a damned good reason why, which in that case, I will seriously put the option of bariatric surgery on the table. I'm done with looking and feeling like a pile of crap. If I can work to heal my mind and be rid of this depression - I can lose this fucking weight.
I ask for everyone's support for this, because if I do have surgery, it will be a lifetime change that I will have to deal with, and it's very frightening.
Social Life/Relationships: No progress on this front in 2010. The last two weeks of this year have been a little abnormal, but it's because I'm feeling pretty well. Otherwise, there has been little to no change. I am not concerned about it, as I have repeatedly stated that I'm not ready for it. For 2011, I predict that there still won't be a lot of changes, though I think it'll get slightly easier. Time will tell.
Financial: I end 2010 in excellent financial shape. I'm hoping to have a lot more in savings and investments in 2011, though I'll always have a little bit of a shopping bug, probably more so than usual now because of the house. I'm not going to hesitate in treating myself to things, though, should I want something.
....and that's it. That's really all that I wanted to say tonight. Basically, I'm not unhappy to see 2010 depart, but at the same time, I feel that it was a year of transition for me, from desperately ill to recovering. Hopefully by this time in 2011, I can finally report that I'm doing much better. :)
This is the song that, for me, sums up how I feel 2011 will be. I hope that it is!
Happy New Year to all. May it be everything that you want it to be.
22 October 2010
Two steps forward... one step back.
I've finally got a few minutes to write - that's how crazy it's been. Huge changes are in the works down at the lab, things that will impact the entire agency, and I've been smack in the middle of it all trying to work things out so that everyone will benefit (though all I'm going to end up getting out of the deal is more headaches from the addicts and a sore back). I can't really go into it at the moment, as I'm... well, not really supposed to know about the details (which translates to, I've been taken into confidence, so I can't talk about it). But all will be revealed by some time next month, so I'll definitely go into it by then.
The depression seems to have abated, or at least not flared up to any huge degree. I did have a moment earlier today where I just lost my temper - I have a huge amount of homework to finish this weekend (two labs and trying to set up an FTP account for my web design class, the latter being an exercise in futility because the instructions aren't correct and the instructor is zero help... and the former just being insanely work-intensive at a time where I have too much going on already). Anyhow, I admit to giving in to my frustration and just bursting into tears (though short-lived). It was refreshingly normal, actually. Perhaps I AM getting better!
I'll be able to catch up, so I'm not incredibly worried (at the moment). It just all FEELS as if it's crashing down onto my shoulders, ugh. I've caught a cold as well last week, so that doesn't help things.
I'm starting to learn that there's never really a time where things settle down so that one has no worries - it's just a matter of what degree something is going to worry you, I suppose.
Really, I can't complain too much right now. I'm alive, the depression has more or less taken a back seat, I have a roof over my head and food to eat, I'm following through with my no-soda determination (though this second week has been hard, I won't lie), I have a job. I'm okay. Reasonably content. Still, I can't help but feel that something's around the corner....
Suspicion, that's all. Just suspicion.
On a different note... I don't like reality television - therefore I don't like American Idol. I've never watched even a single episode of it, ever. But I HAVE heard the "efforts" of some of the, uh, winners of this show. The only one that I think has any talent whatsoever MAY (and I emphasize may) be Kelly Clarkson.
I heard this on one of my iPhone apps the other day. I actually rather like it.
Until next time...
The depression seems to have abated, or at least not flared up to any huge degree. I did have a moment earlier today where I just lost my temper - I have a huge amount of homework to finish this weekend (two labs and trying to set up an FTP account for my web design class, the latter being an exercise in futility because the instructions aren't correct and the instructor is zero help... and the former just being insanely work-intensive at a time where I have too much going on already). Anyhow, I admit to giving in to my frustration and just bursting into tears (though short-lived). It was refreshingly normal, actually. Perhaps I AM getting better!
I'll be able to catch up, so I'm not incredibly worried (at the moment). It just all FEELS as if it's crashing down onto my shoulders, ugh. I've caught a cold as well last week, so that doesn't help things.
I'm starting to learn that there's never really a time where things settle down so that one has no worries - it's just a matter of what degree something is going to worry you, I suppose.
Really, I can't complain too much right now. I'm alive, the depression has more or less taken a back seat, I have a roof over my head and food to eat, I'm following through with my no-soda determination (though this second week has been hard, I won't lie), I have a job. I'm okay. Reasonably content. Still, I can't help but feel that something's around the corner....
Suspicion, that's all. Just suspicion.
On a different note... I don't like reality television - therefore I don't like American Idol. I've never watched even a single episode of it, ever. But I HAVE heard the "efforts" of some of the, uh, winners of this show. The only one that I think has any talent whatsoever MAY (and I emphasize may) be Kelly Clarkson.
I heard this on one of my iPhone apps the other day. I actually rather like it.
Until next time...
11 October 2010
Improving bit by bit.
So I had a pretty good therapy session yesterday. My doctor says that I'm making progress, without drugs and without excuses. I've come to think of his office as "my personal screaming place", because more often than not, I rail and rant and cry my eyes out in there. It's to the point where he has a box of tissues on the ready, because I always, always use them.
There's no doubt about it - this is easily the hardest undertaking that I've ever experienced. But I can slowly feel my mindset, my attitude, my whole life beginning to change. I still have moments where I feel the utter blackness, the lack of a future... but new thoughts are creeping into my empty brain, the realization that someone else's toxicity isn't either my fault or under my control. And I'm learning to just let go.
That sounds like such an easy thing to do... let go. But it's not as easy as people make it seem. I'm learning, though. Slowly, painfully, but learning.
I had the beginnings of lonely feelings last night. Instead of doing what I normally do (which would be either sinking into a deep, depressive funk and cry, or search frantically for someone or something to give me external validation and make me feel better - neither of which techniques work), I sought to find something that would make me laugh. And by God (pun intended), I found it.
Observe below. Yes, it's juvenile as hell. Yes, it's hysterical.
(For those of you who aren't familiar with the televangelist craze of the late 80's, the guy above is Robert Tilton, who used to run a megachurch out in Texas someplace and had a network TV show called 'Success N Life', from which most of these clips are taken. I remember it well. They used to show it on crappy little independent TV stations that were desperate to fill their airtime. Robert Tilton's "church" was exposed in 1991 on ABC News as a fraud.)
In any case, just watching that silly, sad video made me feel a lot better. And I didn't participate in any self-destructive habits to accomplish it. Therefore... well, I'm pretty proud of myself.
I'm not confident enough to say that my life is better - yet. But it's on an upswing, and after all I've been through, I guess that's good enough for me.
I think curling up for a nap with the kitteh sounds like a fine idea about now. :)
There's no doubt about it - this is easily the hardest undertaking that I've ever experienced. But I can slowly feel my mindset, my attitude, my whole life beginning to change. I still have moments where I feel the utter blackness, the lack of a future... but new thoughts are creeping into my empty brain, the realization that someone else's toxicity isn't either my fault or under my control. And I'm learning to just let go.
That sounds like such an easy thing to do... let go. But it's not as easy as people make it seem. I'm learning, though. Slowly, painfully, but learning.
I had the beginnings of lonely feelings last night. Instead of doing what I normally do (which would be either sinking into a deep, depressive funk and cry, or search frantically for someone or something to give me external validation and make me feel better - neither of which techniques work), I sought to find something that would make me laugh. And by God (pun intended), I found it.
Observe below. Yes, it's juvenile as hell. Yes, it's hysterical.
(For those of you who aren't familiar with the televangelist craze of the late 80's, the guy above is Robert Tilton, who used to run a megachurch out in Texas someplace and had a network TV show called 'Success N Life', from which most of these clips are taken. I remember it well. They used to show it on crappy little independent TV stations that were desperate to fill their airtime. Robert Tilton's "church" was exposed in 1991 on ABC News as a fraud.)
In any case, just watching that silly, sad video made me feel a lot better. And I didn't participate in any self-destructive habits to accomplish it. Therefore... well, I'm pretty proud of myself.
I'm not confident enough to say that my life is better - yet. But it's on an upswing, and after all I've been through, I guess that's good enough for me.
I think curling up for a nap with the kitteh sounds like a fine idea about now. :)
29 August 2010
Thoughts about Katrina.
Today is the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. It's so hard to believe that that was five years ago... and I remember the horror of it all, thinking that New Orleans was doomed and that they'd never get all of that water out of the streets and that they'd find so many dead bodies, etc., etc. And in some ways, that did come true - some of the pictures were and are horrific. But I'm impressed with how N.O. rebounded after everything was said and done. It's not all fixed, of course - that'll take decades. There's still houses for sale in the Ninth Ward - I actually went on a real estate website for that area and looked at the offerings. I could actually buy 3 or 4 houses there for what I paid for this one, fix them up, make a profit - but I wouldn't. What I'd really like to do, if I had the money to, would be to buy those houses, fix them up, then just give them away to the ones that needed them - or if I had to sell them, sell it for a dollar, help those folks out. I don't really know that people would move back down there, though. I know that I wouldn't, myself, not because I'm afraid, but because I just don't like the South - I didn't like living in Georgia, so I know I wouldn't enjoy it there.
It amazes me that I had thoughts along these lines. It could be that I still have a shred or two of compassion for my fellow man - how about that.
One of the most heartbreaking pictures that I ever saw from Hurricane Katrina was one of a woman who had lost her... husband, boyfriend, not sure of the relationship... and was crying next to his body.
The body wrapped in the sheet had a name - Xavier Bowie. A lot of people didn't or weren't able to put names with the horrific images that they saw in the days after the hurricane. But those people that lived through this, they know and remember. It's still sickening to see images like this one five years later, and know that the man in this picture, Mr. Bowie, died because he ran out of oxygen and wasn't able to get medical help in time. A senseless, ridiculous death that didn't have to happen.
I was working at Bank of America then, on the late night shift, as a check processor. So I had a lot of opportunity to listen to the radio - specifically talk radio - and hear the live reports as they were coming in from New Orleans those couple of confusing days where no one knew what was going on, whether people were alive or dead - and as early as the next day, people sure were pointing fingers and assigning blame. It was disgusting, hearing some of these people speaking, especially the conservative faction like Sean Hannity and Michael Savage. (And let me tell you something, if you want to hear a reincarnation of Adolf Hitler ranting, tune in to Michael Savage. It's fucking EERIE how similar they sound. Seriously.) I can only imagine, five years on, what nonsense Glenn Beck is mouthing to the sheeple in D.C. at the tea party rallies.
(Can you all tell that I am not a fan of the extreme right? Tee-hee.)
Sure, I think that a lot of things were done the wrong way after the storm. I remember a rather juicy, angry post I'd made about the FEMA-issued debit cards back then when I still had my LiveJournal account - how I was angry about some of the less-scrupulous taking tax dollars to buy Coach purses, expensive jewelry, nights out on the town, etc. That was definitely not the way to go, and I'm still really ticked off that people would be so avaricious. But I have the gift of introspection, and there's always going to be a few people in every massive crowd that will not do the right thing, that will take the easy way out, that are soft and weak. The majority of those people did the right thing and used it for living expenses, for things they needed and not wanted. I know that, deep down.
I'm more disgusted with the fact that the state of Louisiana and the city of New Orleans didn't have concrete plans in place to deal with an emergency like this. To this day, I'm haunted by the fact that all of those school buses sat in a yard, flooded, instead of being used to get these fucking people OUT OF THERE.
Yeah, I know, some people were stubborn and didn't want to leave, but you know what? Had I been the governor of Louisiana, or the mayor of N.O., they wouldn't have had a fucking choice. You either leave, or you'll be forced to leave - whether you have to be arrested or not. But the picture above is just... fucking... sad. They could have used those buses, Greyhound buses, ANYTHING to get people out of there.
There is and was so much wrong with the way this was handled that I can't even go into it all, because the post would be the entire page and then some.
Five years on, New Orleans is still trying to make a comeback. I hope they do. I can't even imagine what would happen to us here in Baltimore if a similar situation arose - and it could happen, y'know. We're near a harbor, and it's flooded before after a hurricane. Just not to this level, because a cat. 5 has never come up here (it probably won't, as we're too far inland for conditions to be right). But one never knows, that's the point.
How do you end a post like this? A touching "rest in peace" for the dead? Or fervent hopes and wishes for the living? A warning that something like this could, Christ forbid, happen again? What do you say to these people that have had so much taken from them, but given the strength and the courage to survive the unsurvivable?
Just as those who don't have depression will never understand what I go through.... I will never understand, as an outsider who didn't live through Hurricane Katrina, what these people have suffered.
And I thank whatever deity that you may/may not believe in that I was spared that knowledge.
It amazes me that I had thoughts along these lines. It could be that I still have a shred or two of compassion for my fellow man - how about that.
One of the most heartbreaking pictures that I ever saw from Hurricane Katrina was one of a woman who had lost her... husband, boyfriend, not sure of the relationship... and was crying next to his body.
The body wrapped in the sheet had a name - Xavier Bowie. A lot of people didn't or weren't able to put names with the horrific images that they saw in the days after the hurricane. But those people that lived through this, they know and remember. It's still sickening to see images like this one five years later, and know that the man in this picture, Mr. Bowie, died because he ran out of oxygen and wasn't able to get medical help in time. A senseless, ridiculous death that didn't have to happen.
I was working at Bank of America then, on the late night shift, as a check processor. So I had a lot of opportunity to listen to the radio - specifically talk radio - and hear the live reports as they were coming in from New Orleans those couple of confusing days where no one knew what was going on, whether people were alive or dead - and as early as the next day, people sure were pointing fingers and assigning blame. It was disgusting, hearing some of these people speaking, especially the conservative faction like Sean Hannity and Michael Savage. (And let me tell you something, if you want to hear a reincarnation of Adolf Hitler ranting, tune in to Michael Savage. It's fucking EERIE how similar they sound. Seriously.) I can only imagine, five years on, what nonsense Glenn Beck is mouthing to the sheeple in D.C. at the tea party rallies.
(Can you all tell that I am not a fan of the extreme right? Tee-hee.)
Sure, I think that a lot of things were done the wrong way after the storm. I remember a rather juicy, angry post I'd made about the FEMA-issued debit cards back then when I still had my LiveJournal account - how I was angry about some of the less-scrupulous taking tax dollars to buy Coach purses, expensive jewelry, nights out on the town, etc. That was definitely not the way to go, and I'm still really ticked off that people would be so avaricious. But I have the gift of introspection, and there's always going to be a few people in every massive crowd that will not do the right thing, that will take the easy way out, that are soft and weak. The majority of those people did the right thing and used it for living expenses, for things they needed and not wanted. I know that, deep down.
I'm more disgusted with the fact that the state of Louisiana and the city of New Orleans didn't have concrete plans in place to deal with an emergency like this. To this day, I'm haunted by the fact that all of those school buses sat in a yard, flooded, instead of being used to get these fucking people OUT OF THERE.
Yeah, I know, some people were stubborn and didn't want to leave, but you know what? Had I been the governor of Louisiana, or the mayor of N.O., they wouldn't have had a fucking choice. You either leave, or you'll be forced to leave - whether you have to be arrested or not. But the picture above is just... fucking... sad. They could have used those buses, Greyhound buses, ANYTHING to get people out of there.
There is and was so much wrong with the way this was handled that I can't even go into it all, because the post would be the entire page and then some.
Five years on, New Orleans is still trying to make a comeback. I hope they do. I can't even imagine what would happen to us here in Baltimore if a similar situation arose - and it could happen, y'know. We're near a harbor, and it's flooded before after a hurricane. Just not to this level, because a cat. 5 has never come up here (it probably won't, as we're too far inland for conditions to be right). But one never knows, that's the point.
How do you end a post like this? A touching "rest in peace" for the dead? Or fervent hopes and wishes for the living? A warning that something like this could, Christ forbid, happen again? What do you say to these people that have had so much taken from them, but given the strength and the courage to survive the unsurvivable?
Just as those who don't have depression will never understand what I go through.... I will never understand, as an outsider who didn't live through Hurricane Katrina, what these people have suffered.
And I thank whatever deity that you may/may not believe in that I was spared that knowledge.
10 July 2010
A bit contemplative today.
It's Saturday morning, and it's raining here, finally, after a long dreary week of heat and unrelenting sun and horridness. I'm thoroughly enjoying the gray skies and the sight of the raindrops slamming against the pavement. It's been too long since I've seen it!
I've made a snap decision to go ahead and take a vacation - I've decided that I can no longer go on with my present course without going batshit mad. If I have to wait a little longer for the bed and the computer I need (because my old desktop broke down, finally, after nearly 7 years of faithful service) and the cookware and all of the other shit, that's fine. Because I'm burned out. There comes a time where you have to weigh your options. In this case it was keep on the way I'm going, make mistakes, lose my temper more and more often, and eventually risk my job... or spend the money, take the vacation, take time for myself to regroup and relax. Not much of a contest there, I guess.
So I booked a cruise to the Bahamas. Yes, I know, why another cruise, I hated the last one, didn't I? I didn't really hate it - I just didn't want to travel with my mother, and it showed. I'm alone on this one, and I think that I'll probably enjoy myself a lot more, if only because I don't have to worry about doing things and wondering whether or not she has enough energy to go upstairs for a cup of coffee without complaining. I also don't have to suffer her talking to complete strangers about how America's health system is so inferior to Canadian plans - I swear, she did that to me on that cruise we went on, she yapped on to everyone and anyone that would listen about how much we suck as a nation, etc., etc. In other words, she pulled the same bullshit that she's always pulled all of my life, embarrassing me in front of people and making me wish dearly that there was a hole to sink through. Is it any wonder I had such a rotten time? I didn't want to be around her. And that wasn't the extent of her mouth, either - but I don't want to get into that. I'm actually feeling somewhat all right-ish today, if a bit contemplative, so I don't want to upset the peace that I've finally managed to somewhat achieve.
Anyhow, I'm going on September 13th, almost a year to the day that I went on the last one. It's only for 4 days, and I leave from Orlando, so that's a big difference from the last time. I may do a couple of the shore trips, though the ones I went on in Canada weren't really worth the money in my opinion - but again, it was a different circumstance, in that I couldn't do anything strenuous because of my mother. Oh, I know, she said to go without her on stuff, but you know how that is, you feel guilty if you do. That's another reason why this one might be a better circumstance. The shore trips this time involve parasailing - which is a crazy-assed thing to do, especially for me, but I might just give in to temptation. That and frolicking with sea lions. I do love sea lions, they're really cool creatures. :D
Other than that, things are the same. I've made another couple of stabs at trying to get out of here and make friends, but as usual it's going not-so-well. Just the other day I was thinking to myself that I don't get listened to even online, heh. But as I'd mentioned before - this, too, shall pass, and so it has, for now.
I just wish these attacks would stop. But it is what it is, at least I'm not completely falling apart like I once was.
As usual, when I'm contemplative, the words come out like so much verbal vomit. I really wish I could get my head together enough to stick on topic and keep on track, but it never happens. This is truly "freestyle" - I just put it down as it comes into my head. It's a shame that I can't write anymore, because some of this shit would make a great book, if I ever had the inclination to talk about it. But I feel that I've lost all of my writing talent - I couldn't do it now if I tried. I spent too many years hearing people laugh at my efforts, however pathetic they were, and now I just don't believe I can do it any longer. Why do something if all I'll get is criticism and derision?
Of course, I could say that about nearly everything I've ever done, too.
Eh, enough of this downbeat shit. It's weird, but I'm sitting here watching VH-1 Classic (something I often do on Saturday mornings waiting for my cooking shows, because television is a wasteland until noon here), and there's a show on called "Metal Mania" that runs for a few hours. It's basically music videos of glam metal from the time I was in high school, and it's a huge, guilty pleasure of mine because I was so immersed in that culture growing up - it was basically my identity (and we did have a few stoners in the place, heh). I've outgrown it all now, of course, but I still sort of get a little thrill out of seeing Mötley Crüe or Cinderella or similar with their mullets and more makeup than most women prancing around on stage, heh.
Anyway... I have to say that some of these guys really made good. Take Bret Michaels, for example. He had what was (and still is, probably) one of the most-maligned glam metal bands of all time, that being Poison. People laugh at Poison, they really do, Poison is epitomized as being everything wrong with "metal" and rock, etc. And yes, they were most definitely cheesy, they have no defense there. But plenty of others were just as bad - hell, Twisted Sister and Dee Snider in my view were a hell of a lot worse as far as the cheesy factor is concerned. In any case, Bret Michaels has been through a fuck of a lot, healthwise, but he's still trying to work and make a career for himself, 20 years after glam metal has been shoved aside to collect dust in CD shelves around the world. I identify with that work ethic. He never did the drug lifestyle or dissolve into a pool of his own sick like everyone else, and that alone probably marks him as "different". I, being of a different sort myself, can identify. And I can respect him for that, so... as far as I'm concerned, Poison might be cheesy and 'lame', but Bret Michaels is a fuck of a lot better off than most of his detractors.
And, so, a cheesy and lame video for you all to end this Saturday. :p I'll write later if I feel up to it. Cheers.
P.S. I actually find this song incredibly cynical, not to mention beautiful.
I've made a snap decision to go ahead and take a vacation - I've decided that I can no longer go on with my present course without going batshit mad. If I have to wait a little longer for the bed and the computer I need (because my old desktop broke down, finally, after nearly 7 years of faithful service) and the cookware and all of the other shit, that's fine. Because I'm burned out. There comes a time where you have to weigh your options. In this case it was keep on the way I'm going, make mistakes, lose my temper more and more often, and eventually risk my job... or spend the money, take the vacation, take time for myself to regroup and relax. Not much of a contest there, I guess.
So I booked a cruise to the Bahamas. Yes, I know, why another cruise, I hated the last one, didn't I? I didn't really hate it - I just didn't want to travel with my mother, and it showed. I'm alone on this one, and I think that I'll probably enjoy myself a lot more, if only because I don't have to worry about doing things and wondering whether or not she has enough energy to go upstairs for a cup of coffee without complaining. I also don't have to suffer her talking to complete strangers about how America's health system is so inferior to Canadian plans - I swear, she did that to me on that cruise we went on, she yapped on to everyone and anyone that would listen about how much we suck as a nation, etc., etc. In other words, she pulled the same bullshit that she's always pulled all of my life, embarrassing me in front of people and making me wish dearly that there was a hole to sink through. Is it any wonder I had such a rotten time? I didn't want to be around her. And that wasn't the extent of her mouth, either - but I don't want to get into that. I'm actually feeling somewhat all right-ish today, if a bit contemplative, so I don't want to upset the peace that I've finally managed to somewhat achieve.
Anyhow, I'm going on September 13th, almost a year to the day that I went on the last one. It's only for 4 days, and I leave from Orlando, so that's a big difference from the last time. I may do a couple of the shore trips, though the ones I went on in Canada weren't really worth the money in my opinion - but again, it was a different circumstance, in that I couldn't do anything strenuous because of my mother. Oh, I know, she said to go without her on stuff, but you know how that is, you feel guilty if you do. That's another reason why this one might be a better circumstance. The shore trips this time involve parasailing - which is a crazy-assed thing to do, especially for me, but I might just give in to temptation. That and frolicking with sea lions. I do love sea lions, they're really cool creatures. :D
Other than that, things are the same. I've made another couple of stabs at trying to get out of here and make friends, but as usual it's going not-so-well. Just the other day I was thinking to myself that I don't get listened to even online, heh. But as I'd mentioned before - this, too, shall pass, and so it has, for now.
I just wish these attacks would stop. But it is what it is, at least I'm not completely falling apart like I once was.
As usual, when I'm contemplative, the words come out like so much verbal vomit. I really wish I could get my head together enough to stick on topic and keep on track, but it never happens. This is truly "freestyle" - I just put it down as it comes into my head. It's a shame that I can't write anymore, because some of this shit would make a great book, if I ever had the inclination to talk about it. But I feel that I've lost all of my writing talent - I couldn't do it now if I tried. I spent too many years hearing people laugh at my efforts, however pathetic they were, and now I just don't believe I can do it any longer. Why do something if all I'll get is criticism and derision?
Of course, I could say that about nearly everything I've ever done, too.
Eh, enough of this downbeat shit. It's weird, but I'm sitting here watching VH-1 Classic (something I often do on Saturday mornings waiting for my cooking shows, because television is a wasteland until noon here), and there's a show on called "Metal Mania" that runs for a few hours. It's basically music videos of glam metal from the time I was in high school, and it's a huge, guilty pleasure of mine because I was so immersed in that culture growing up - it was basically my identity (and we did have a few stoners in the place, heh). I've outgrown it all now, of course, but I still sort of get a little thrill out of seeing Mötley Crüe or Cinderella or similar with their mullets and more makeup than most women prancing around on stage, heh.
Anyway... I have to say that some of these guys really made good. Take Bret Michaels, for example. He had what was (and still is, probably) one of the most-maligned glam metal bands of all time, that being Poison. People laugh at Poison, they really do, Poison is epitomized as being everything wrong with "metal" and rock, etc. And yes, they were most definitely cheesy, they have no defense there. But plenty of others were just as bad - hell, Twisted Sister and Dee Snider in my view were a hell of a lot worse as far as the cheesy factor is concerned. In any case, Bret Michaels has been through a fuck of a lot, healthwise, but he's still trying to work and make a career for himself, 20 years after glam metal has been shoved aside to collect dust in CD shelves around the world. I identify with that work ethic. He never did the drug lifestyle or dissolve into a pool of his own sick like everyone else, and that alone probably marks him as "different". I, being of a different sort myself, can identify. And I can respect him for that, so... as far as I'm concerned, Poison might be cheesy and 'lame', but Bret Michaels is a fuck of a lot better off than most of his detractors.
And, so, a cheesy and lame video for you all to end this Saturday. :p I'll write later if I feel up to it. Cheers.
P.S. I actually find this song incredibly cynical, not to mention beautiful.
26 June 2010
Songs that make me absolutely sick.
I was watching VH-1 Classic this morning (often something I do when there is absolutely nothing on the tube - it's amazing, I have DirecTV satellite and yet out of 500+ channels there's still zero airing that isn't dreck), and they were having a "Totally 80's" block. (Shut. the. fuck. up. It's my generation, damn it, so kiss my round red ass.) Anyway... they were playing mostly good stuff, but there are some tunes from that era that were disgustingly "feel good, positive, chin up, happy happy" bullshit. Since the 80's were basically not a very happy period of time for me as a rule, those songs tend to make me want to vomit.
Unfortunately, some of them are making a comeback. Why, I could not tell you.
I now present some of the most disgusting tunes ever made - at least in my opinion. The videos are included, though why you would ever watch them, I have no idea. I know I won't be. (Note: they're not all from the 80's, but for some reason that decade was the most nauseating...)
1.) Katrina & The Waves - "Walking On Sunshine"
This is the video that got me thinking about this whole subject. I mean, come on. First of all, those three guys walking behind this bitch look anything but happy to be in this silly, sad video. And it's common knowledge that "the Waves" aren't nearly as important in this act as "Katrina", whom I suppose is pretty enough but quite frankly looks like she's singing about her girlfriend, if you know what I mean. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, but let's face it, those tennis shoes of hers don't make her look real feminine, know what I'm saying?) Second, if you're going to be doing a video about sunshine - pick a sunny day and not a foggy, gray rainmaker. Though the shots of the bridge in London are a nice touch. It does occur to me that it could be a statement of irony, but I honestly don't think that was the intention - they don't look intelligent enough for it.
2.) Bobby McFerrin - "Don't Worry (Be Happy)"
This is the song that is on my all-time shit list. Don't worry? Is this guy fucking nuts? It's obvious this asshole has never suffered with depression or has even heard of it. Plus that guy going "whoo-hoo-hoo" in the bridge makes me want to curl my nails into his throat and rip it out - Jesus, how irritating. This video is actually cut off in the middle of the song - which for me is sweet fucking relief. I think this one actually vaults above Miss Katrina up there for the "most fucking annoying" award. The real kicker about this song is - this douchebag doesn't even give you a reason why you shouldn't worry about things. Just unbridled, unthinking optimism. That's how people get hurt, motherfucker. Sad thing is, this dick laughed all the way to the bank with people's money. I guess he doesn't have to worry about shit, now does he?
3.) Fleetwood Mac - "Don't Stop"
It absolutely breaks my heart to have to put Fleetwood Mac on this list, because I've always liked them so much, especially the tracks "Dreams" and "Rhiannon", which are nothing short of beautiful. But this song is an abomination. The lyrics - ugh. "Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone." Thanks for reminding me, assholes. I already regret that I've lost so much of my life to depression, I really don't need a reminder that I've wasted yet another day because I can't manage to hold my head up without sobbing my heart out. Jerks. My only consolation is that maybe Christine McVie and Lindsey Buckingham were LSD-tripping when they wrote this - I could possibly forgive them.
4.) Lee Ann Womack - "I Hope You Dance"
This bitch just...doesn't... get it. It's obvious that this song is for people that have never had one thing go wrong in their lives - that or fools, because you would be a fucking idiot to be that frigging optimistic. Thanks, but I will sit this out and be glad to do so, because I'm of the real world. What a douche. And so obviously trying to cater to the "girly-girl", the so-called "sisterhood", blah blah. Such a joke. I won't even get into that subject, because that's another rant altogether.
5.) Johnny Nash - "I Can See Clearly Now"
"I can see clearly now, the man's insane!
I can see all the bullshit that's in his way....
Gone is the common sense I thought he had,
He's going to sing a dumb (dim), dense (thick) piece of crap song!"
Heh, no doubt there'll be a part two....
Unfortunately, some of them are making a comeback. Why, I could not tell you.
I now present some of the most disgusting tunes ever made - at least in my opinion. The videos are included, though why you would ever watch them, I have no idea. I know I won't be. (Note: they're not all from the 80's, but for some reason that decade was the most nauseating...)
1.) Katrina & The Waves - "Walking On Sunshine"
This is the video that got me thinking about this whole subject. I mean, come on. First of all, those three guys walking behind this bitch look anything but happy to be in this silly, sad video. And it's common knowledge that "the Waves" aren't nearly as important in this act as "Katrina", whom I suppose is pretty enough but quite frankly looks like she's singing about her girlfriend, if you know what I mean. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, but let's face it, those tennis shoes of hers don't make her look real feminine, know what I'm saying?) Second, if you're going to be doing a video about sunshine - pick a sunny day and not a foggy, gray rainmaker. Though the shots of the bridge in London are a nice touch. It does occur to me that it could be a statement of irony, but I honestly don't think that was the intention - they don't look intelligent enough for it.
2.) Bobby McFerrin - "Don't Worry (Be Happy)"
This is the song that is on my all-time shit list. Don't worry? Is this guy fucking nuts? It's obvious this asshole has never suffered with depression or has even heard of it. Plus that guy going "whoo-hoo-hoo" in the bridge makes me want to curl my nails into his throat and rip it out - Jesus, how irritating. This video is actually cut off in the middle of the song - which for me is sweet fucking relief. I think this one actually vaults above Miss Katrina up there for the "most fucking annoying" award. The real kicker about this song is - this douchebag doesn't even give you a reason why you shouldn't worry about things. Just unbridled, unthinking optimism. That's how people get hurt, motherfucker. Sad thing is, this dick laughed all the way to the bank with people's money. I guess he doesn't have to worry about shit, now does he?
3.) Fleetwood Mac - "Don't Stop"
It absolutely breaks my heart to have to put Fleetwood Mac on this list, because I've always liked them so much, especially the tracks "Dreams" and "Rhiannon", which are nothing short of beautiful. But this song is an abomination. The lyrics - ugh. "Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone." Thanks for reminding me, assholes. I already regret that I've lost so much of my life to depression, I really don't need a reminder that I've wasted yet another day because I can't manage to hold my head up without sobbing my heart out. Jerks. My only consolation is that maybe Christine McVie and Lindsey Buckingham were LSD-tripping when they wrote this - I could possibly forgive them.
4.) Lee Ann Womack - "I Hope You Dance"
This bitch just...doesn't... get it. It's obvious that this song is for people that have never had one thing go wrong in their lives - that or fools, because you would be a fucking idiot to be that frigging optimistic. Thanks, but I will sit this out and be glad to do so, because I'm of the real world. What a douche. And so obviously trying to cater to the "girly-girl", the so-called "sisterhood", blah blah. Such a joke. I won't even get into that subject, because that's another rant altogether.
5.) Johnny Nash - "I Can See Clearly Now"
"I can see clearly now, the man's insane!
I can see all the bullshit that's in his way....
Gone is the common sense I thought he had,
He's going to sing a dumb (dim), dense (thick) piece of crap song!"
Heh, no doubt there'll be a part two....
01 April 2010
Merry April.
I caught a nasty URI (upper respiratory infection, for those of you that want to think something dirty, heh) and I've been home from work pretty much the remainder of the week. It's given me time to rest up, though yesterday I was to the point where I thought I was going to die, ugh. Things are better now, though. It's a gorgeous day outside, I think I might actually pop out for a few moments to enjoy it.
Everything is on track for the home inspection on Saturday. I'm still not any more nervous about this whole thing than I was, maybe because I know I need a place to live and it may as well be there as anywhere else. I'm just wondering if I'll ever feel any kind of excitement about it, that's all.
This is all happening so fast. Maybe that's why I'm unconcerned to this point. Who knows for sure.
So, my birthday week is more or less over. Honestly, it was a fuck of a lot better than last year, and quite frankly the last five years. Maybe I'm just settled in now and accepting the fact that I'm no longer "young" and that I can't get the lost years back, that it's up to me to steer how it'll be from now on. I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking that "it's not my time" yet. Maybe it IS and I just don't know it. Oh, whatever. It doesn't matter. It was better, and for that I'm profoundly grateful.
I'm aware that I'm writing in a sort of sickly haze, so I'd better close this out and rest up some more. Enjoy this April Fool's joke from the BBC. I put the "spaghetti trees" one on my Facebook, but the penguins are just as funny.
Cheers.
Everything is on track for the home inspection on Saturday. I'm still not any more nervous about this whole thing than I was, maybe because I know I need a place to live and it may as well be there as anywhere else. I'm just wondering if I'll ever feel any kind of excitement about it, that's all.
This is all happening so fast. Maybe that's why I'm unconcerned to this point. Who knows for sure.
So, my birthday week is more or less over. Honestly, it was a fuck of a lot better than last year, and quite frankly the last five years. Maybe I'm just settled in now and accepting the fact that I'm no longer "young" and that I can't get the lost years back, that it's up to me to steer how it'll be from now on. I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking that "it's not my time" yet. Maybe it IS and I just don't know it. Oh, whatever. It doesn't matter. It was better, and for that I'm profoundly grateful.
I'm aware that I'm writing in a sort of sickly haze, so I'd better close this out and rest up some more. Enjoy this April Fool's joke from the BBC. I put the "spaghetti trees" one on my Facebook, but the penguins are just as funny.
Cheers.
15 March 2010
A bit of musical nonsense.
Since it IS my birthday week coming up, I thought I'd have a look at what was popular at a few junctures of my life...
The #1 song when I was born was this:
1972, March 25 - April 14:
A Horse With No Name - America
When I was 10 (1982): March 20 - May 7:
I Love Rock n' Roll - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
When I was 15 (1987): March 21 - April 3:
Lean On Me - Club Nouveau
When I was 18 (1990): March 24 - April 6:
Black Velvet - Alannah Myles
(I LOVED this song, by the way. Still do. The remake is a piece of shit.)
When I was 21 (1993): March 13 - April 30:
Informer - Snow
(Hahaha. I can't think of this song without seeing the "In Living Color" version by Jim Carrey. Snicker.)
When I was 25 (1997): February 22 - May 21:
Wannabe - Spice Girls
(Sigh. It's getting progressively worse, isn't it.)
When I was 30 (2002): March 9 - April 19:
Ain't It Funny - Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule
(Ummm... huh? Now I'm LOST.)
I don't think I'll even continue past this point, because I won't know the songs, most likely, and even if I do I'm liable to think they're shit anyway. The last year I remember newer music that was considered 'mainstream' is 2001. After that, bleh. I go with friends' recommendations or word-of-mouth now, because I assure you that whatever the record industry puts out now is utter crap.
Anyhow, I just considered this semi-interesting...
The #1 song when I was born was this:
1972, March 25 - April 14:
A Horse With No Name - America
When I was 10 (1982): March 20 - May 7:
I Love Rock n' Roll - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
When I was 15 (1987): March 21 - April 3:
Lean On Me - Club Nouveau
When I was 18 (1990): March 24 - April 6:
Black Velvet - Alannah Myles
(I LOVED this song, by the way. Still do. The remake is a piece of shit.)
When I was 21 (1993): March 13 - April 30:
Informer - Snow
(Hahaha. I can't think of this song without seeing the "In Living Color" version by Jim Carrey. Snicker.)
When I was 25 (1997): February 22 - May 21:
Wannabe - Spice Girls
(Sigh. It's getting progressively worse, isn't it.)
When I was 30 (2002): March 9 - April 19:
Ain't It Funny - Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule
(Ummm... huh? Now I'm LOST.)
I don't think I'll even continue past this point, because I won't know the songs, most likely, and even if I do I'm liable to think they're shit anyway. The last year I remember newer music that was considered 'mainstream' is 2001. After that, bleh. I go with friends' recommendations or word-of-mouth now, because I assure you that whatever the record industry puts out now is utter crap.
Anyhow, I just considered this semi-interesting...
03 January 2010
Uhhh....
....I've seen a lot of stupid infomercials in my time, but this has got to take the cake. What kind of market do these people think this product will attract???
Best line: "It feels great on my abs." It sure sounds like he's saying 'ass', though, doesn't it.
I can just picture myself now in one of those damned things. Labels and urine cups flying everywhere, heh.
I am speechless.
Best line: "It feels great on my abs." It sure sounds like he's saying 'ass', though, doesn't it.
I can just picture myself now in one of those damned things. Labels and urine cups flying everywhere, heh.
I am speechless.
31 December 2009
The usual expected end-of-year post.
So, this is the part where I'm supposed to either rant or rave about how sucky/great 2009 was, right?
In truth, I don't think I really need to do that, as it's again all laid out for you on the blog if you care to go back and have a look. Were there any highlights for me? Honestly, there weren't - but neither were there any serious setbacks. I think this past year has been what I call a "transition" year.
I haven't made as much progress on my health, either physical or mental, as I would have liked. I am "better" mentally, though not where I'd like to be. And physically? Bleh, that's gone straight to hell, so I need to really focus on that this upcoming year. I'm fast approaching 38 now (God... really? ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh) and if I want any chance of avoiding the inherited family health difficulties, I need to get cracking on that. It might already be too late, to be honest. But I need to try, so.. that's a priority.
I haven't made much progress on my financial situation, either, though I've started a goodish savings account and I'm going to pay off what I can in 2010. I really want to be in the position where I'll be able to buy a house by the time I'm 40. I don't know where I'll go or what kind of place I want yet, but that's not important right now, as I'm not ready for it anyway. 2010 is the year to "get my shit together", I guess I'll say. But I really want to be in better financial shape than I am right now.
Career-wise, I'm doing a lot better. I don't necessarily like my job, and I don't want to take urine for the rest of my life (Jesus, no, heh), but I'm settled in and to a point where I'm riding the job instead of it riding me. We desperately need more staff, as we're short-handed (the last two Tuesdays and Thursdays have nearly been the end of me, I'm not kidding), but they say it's coming. I've heard that one before, heh.
Personally? A write-off. I haven't been paying much attention to relationships or anything of the sort. Now is not the time for that. I have too much going on with other issues to deal with such things, and I have a feeling that 2010 will also be the same as far as that's concerned. I'm just not ready mentally, physically, any of it. I might never be at this rate, but... it's important for me to get everything else straightened out before I can focus on the wretched state of my personal life, heh. Some things that I have had previous difficulties with are starting to resolve themselves, and that's a very good thing...but I'm just not ready.
I don't do "resolutions". It's a pointless waste of time and it only encourages one to fail. I prefer to think of them as loose long-term goals for myself. That doesn't sound so bad, maybe.
This time last year I was alone on New Year's Eve and curled up on my couch watching television. It'll be the same again this year, but hopefully I won't start 2010 depressed and having another attack. I really have been starting to feel better in the last couple of days, so let's hope for the best.
I have discovered an awesome little online community for the depressed and suicidal, so that has and will greatly help me. I would reveal the name of it, but... right now I kind of feel like it's my little secret "haven" from the world and all of the people that know me, so... if you really want to know, leave me a comment/mail/etc. and I'll tell you, because I wouldn't want those who need it to go without.
Second year in a row that the weather's been crap here for New Year's Eve. I don't feel bad for the idiots sitting down at the Inner Harbor waiting for the fireworks. I hope they get rained on but good, heh.
So, anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
2009 in a song? Let's see... I think this pretty much sums it up for me.
Happy new year to all.
In truth, I don't think I really need to do that, as it's again all laid out for you on the blog if you care to go back and have a look. Were there any highlights for me? Honestly, there weren't - but neither were there any serious setbacks. I think this past year has been what I call a "transition" year.
I haven't made as much progress on my health, either physical or mental, as I would have liked. I am "better" mentally, though not where I'd like to be. And physically? Bleh, that's gone straight to hell, so I need to really focus on that this upcoming year. I'm fast approaching 38 now (God... really? ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh) and if I want any chance of avoiding the inherited family health difficulties, I need to get cracking on that. It might already be too late, to be honest. But I need to try, so.. that's a priority.
I haven't made much progress on my financial situation, either, though I've started a goodish savings account and I'm going to pay off what I can in 2010. I really want to be in the position where I'll be able to buy a house by the time I'm 40. I don't know where I'll go or what kind of place I want yet, but that's not important right now, as I'm not ready for it anyway. 2010 is the year to "get my shit together", I guess I'll say. But I really want to be in better financial shape than I am right now.
Career-wise, I'm doing a lot better. I don't necessarily like my job, and I don't want to take urine for the rest of my life (Jesus, no, heh), but I'm settled in and to a point where I'm riding the job instead of it riding me. We desperately need more staff, as we're short-handed (the last two Tuesdays and Thursdays have nearly been the end of me, I'm not kidding), but they say it's coming. I've heard that one before, heh.
Personally? A write-off. I haven't been paying much attention to relationships or anything of the sort. Now is not the time for that. I have too much going on with other issues to deal with such things, and I have a feeling that 2010 will also be the same as far as that's concerned. I'm just not ready mentally, physically, any of it. I might never be at this rate, but... it's important for me to get everything else straightened out before I can focus on the wretched state of my personal life, heh. Some things that I have had previous difficulties with are starting to resolve themselves, and that's a very good thing...but I'm just not ready.
I don't do "resolutions". It's a pointless waste of time and it only encourages one to fail. I prefer to think of them as loose long-term goals for myself. That doesn't sound so bad, maybe.
This time last year I was alone on New Year's Eve and curled up on my couch watching television. It'll be the same again this year, but hopefully I won't start 2010 depressed and having another attack. I really have been starting to feel better in the last couple of days, so let's hope for the best.
I have discovered an awesome little online community for the depressed and suicidal, so that has and will greatly help me. I would reveal the name of it, but... right now I kind of feel like it's my little secret "haven" from the world and all of the people that know me, so... if you really want to know, leave me a comment/mail/etc. and I'll tell you, because I wouldn't want those who need it to go without.
Second year in a row that the weather's been crap here for New Year's Eve. I don't feel bad for the idiots sitting down at the Inner Harbor waiting for the fireworks. I hope they get rained on but good, heh.
So, anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
2009 in a song? Let's see... I think this pretty much sums it up for me.
Happy new year to all.
24 October 2009
Just a quick note here....
I was on the Christian Dior website (don't ask me why, okay, because even I don't know), and I was watching the 2009 winter fashion show... and marveling at how ugly all of those rail-thin anorexic models looked... when I heard this song in the background and ...
... instantly fell in love with it.
Enjoy. :D
... instantly fell in love with it.
Enjoy. :D
20 September 2009
Instant cheer, guaranteed.
I know that whenever I feel at my worst... 'Whose Line Is It Anyway' always, always cheers me up.
My mother hates Drew Carey. That's just another reason why I love it so, heh.
God, this is hysterical. :)
My mother hates Drew Carey. That's just another reason why I love it so, heh.
God, this is hysterical. :)
23 August 2009
17 July 2009
Last day in the old apartment...
By tomorrow morning, I'll be moved once again, this time to a nice, spacious apartment in the middle of downtown Baltimore. In some ways I can't wait for it - I'm thoroughly sick of Towson - but... God, I just don't want to move anymore. I've spent my entire life moving, it seems, and I've never been in a place any more than two or three years at the most. After a while, you just get... tired. And I'm starting to get too old to be moving from place to place to place to place. I know that this isn't even the end of it, because one of these days I'll buy a house when I know where I want to settle down for good. Question is... will I ever know that?
Forgive me. I am melancholy today. I sort of knew this would happen. I am just tired of it all, and it's the culmination of many weeks of stress. I just want it all to be over with.
I'll write more once I'm settled, promise, and thanks for bearing with me, Faithful Readers. It's much appreciated. I do think about you all, even though it might not seem that I do.
One of these days this song will fit... and I'll know that I'm "home". Wherever that might be.
Forgive me. I am melancholy today. I sort of knew this would happen. I am just tired of it all, and it's the culmination of many weeks of stress. I just want it all to be over with.
I'll write more once I'm settled, promise, and thanks for bearing with me, Faithful Readers. It's much appreciated. I do think about you all, even though it might not seem that I do.
One of these days this song will fit... and I'll know that I'm "home". Wherever that might be.
11 July 2009
Reflections. (Guess I'm not quite done yet for today, heh.)
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I used to be. When the worst of the depression was haunting me, and in truth I find that I don't even remember anymore, the person that I used to be. This is probably, most likely, a good thing, because from the people who knew me then... they tell me that I was... well, not easy to live with is a kind term. A bitch, maybe is what they mean to say, heh. But.. I find that I remember very little of that time at all.
All that I can remember is that I know that all I wanted was to die. That I honestly felt the world closing in on me, choking me, suffocating me. Just to breathe was to hurt. It was a feeling that I cannot describe more than that.
I don't remember being able to work, or to get out of bed a lot of the time. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't think beyond making it a second, a minute at a time.
I do remember the mental hospital. I remember the ward. That was the beginning of waking up for me, but even that didn't fully snap me out of it. I was on drugs that I never should have been on, at the wrong dosages and at the wrong times. Paxil made me dead inside. I could function, but not at a level where I would care. The Buspirone helped greatly with the anxiety and took that away, but it wasn't until I got put on this combination that I'm on now... that I started to feel better.
And today?
I hesitate to say that I'm better, still. Because I've been here before, you know. I've been in a position where I thought I was okay, where I thought that the depression was gone... and the next day, week, month, I'd have an attack so crushing that I'd despair all over again. It's a rollercoaster, a cruel one.
But I do feel that I'm in a better place now. I'm able to handle situations now that would have had me in broken, screaming sobs even a year ago. This job in itself proves that I'm better, because how many people do you know that could deal with a thousand angry, just-as-depressed-as-you-are people a day? And not only deal with the job, but ride it to the point where you get a promotion barely a year later?
Yes. I think it's safe to say that I'm better now. But I still live in a world of fear that one of these days the drugs will stop working. That I'll go back to being in that glass box where I used to watch the world from outside, and yearn to be a part of it but couldn't be because the edges of that box were cutting into my throat. That's how I felt for a long, long time. Maybe for my whole life.
I'm reminded of the song "Blackbird" by the Beatles.
Ignore the video itself... but listen to the lyrics. That's so where I really am now in my life. I'm scared.. but I'm learning to live again. That's where I am.
Thanks for listening to me ramble.
All that I can remember is that I know that all I wanted was to die. That I honestly felt the world closing in on me, choking me, suffocating me. Just to breathe was to hurt. It was a feeling that I cannot describe more than that.
I don't remember being able to work, or to get out of bed a lot of the time. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't think beyond making it a second, a minute at a time.
I do remember the mental hospital. I remember the ward. That was the beginning of waking up for me, but even that didn't fully snap me out of it. I was on drugs that I never should have been on, at the wrong dosages and at the wrong times. Paxil made me dead inside. I could function, but not at a level where I would care. The Buspirone helped greatly with the anxiety and took that away, but it wasn't until I got put on this combination that I'm on now... that I started to feel better.
And today?
I hesitate to say that I'm better, still. Because I've been here before, you know. I've been in a position where I thought I was okay, where I thought that the depression was gone... and the next day, week, month, I'd have an attack so crushing that I'd despair all over again. It's a rollercoaster, a cruel one.
But I do feel that I'm in a better place now. I'm able to handle situations now that would have had me in broken, screaming sobs even a year ago. This job in itself proves that I'm better, because how many people do you know that could deal with a thousand angry, just-as-depressed-as-you-are people a day? And not only deal with the job, but ride it to the point where you get a promotion barely a year later?
Yes. I think it's safe to say that I'm better now. But I still live in a world of fear that one of these days the drugs will stop working. That I'll go back to being in that glass box where I used to watch the world from outside, and yearn to be a part of it but couldn't be because the edges of that box were cutting into my throat. That's how I felt for a long, long time. Maybe for my whole life.
I'm reminded of the song "Blackbird" by the Beatles.
Ignore the video itself... but listen to the lyrics. That's so where I really am now in my life. I'm scared.. but I'm learning to live again. That's where I am.
Thanks for listening to me ramble.
03 July 2009
Well...
...I got promoted at work to a Grade 4. It means an extra 4000 dollars a year and more work than ever.
But at least I'm good for something.
The next 4 days are mine. I'm going to enjoy them.
But at least I'm good for something.
The next 4 days are mine. I'm going to enjoy them.
27 June 2009
The death of Generation X.
I wasn't going to talk about Michael Jackson's death, because it seems that everyone in the world is mentioning it, and I can't really see where I can add anything to what's already been said, whether it's positive or negative. I don't feel any overwhelming sadness over it, and in fact I do believe that there are much more important things going on in the world right now.
But I find that over the past few days, I find myself actually a bit teary-eyed. It's not even over the man himself, or the fact that "we've lost a musical genius" or anything like that (though I can't lie, he did have undeniable talent - all of his personal antics aside). No, it's not because he's dead. It's not because he won't make more music.
I find myself sad because I feel old. Isn't that dumb?
Michael Jackson used to be the hottest thing since sliced bread. If you were alive in 1982, you'd have known that for a fact. The man literally had the world by the balls. I remember well when 'Thriller' first came out, and the massive hit singles, it seemed that nearly every song on that album was a number-one hit. He could have retired after that one album and never had to work again. How many people can say that at 23?
It's watching these old videos that are cropping up on the music stations (and you can't avoid it today, every MTV and VH-1 clone has them on, even the gospel station's gotten into the act) that are making me feel sad. It also seems that the world was a simpler place then, compared to today - though I know damned well that's not true, the 80s were a time of massive upheaval that I would never willingly go through again. I got a glimpse of the old Michael, the one that was black, the one that knew how to rock with you, the one that shook his body down to the ground. Simpler times, like I said. Not the one that admitted to sleeping with children in his bed, or the one that had a moonwalking monkey, etc.
I look at these videos of his and I can't really connect the oddball things that he did with them. If you've seen the video for 'In The Closet' you'll know what I mean - this girl he was dancing with was incredibly fucking hot. And NOT under eighteen, I assure you. The lyrics to 'Dirty Diana' are insanely sexual. I just cannot picture this man doing the things that he was reported to have done. And yet... it's all on tape. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever know.
I'm sad because I'm 37 years old, heh. Without a doubt, I know that my childhood is gone. Michael Jackson was only 50, that's a 13 year age difference. It almost feels as if I'm staring death in the face. Isn't that stupid? And yet... it's a stark, black-or-white fact, har har.
I guess it's the equivalent of pulling up the proverbial socks. It's time to grow up, if I haven't already, and be an adult. I can't pretend that I'm 15 or 20 or even 25 anymore. I'm middle-aged. I'm an adult. God, it's depressing, heh.
That's why when I see "Say, Say, Say" on the video channel (which is a song I've always really liked), I have tears in my eyes. If that makes me a wuss, so be it, I'm a wuss. :p
So I won't go "arr-eye-pee" all over the place, though I hope the man is less tortured in his next life (if you believe in reincarnation, that is). But I will provide a video to that favorite song of mine.
Cheers.
But I find that over the past few days, I find myself actually a bit teary-eyed. It's not even over the man himself, or the fact that "we've lost a musical genius" or anything like that (though I can't lie, he did have undeniable talent - all of his personal antics aside). No, it's not because he's dead. It's not because he won't make more music.
I find myself sad because I feel old. Isn't that dumb?
Michael Jackson used to be the hottest thing since sliced bread. If you were alive in 1982, you'd have known that for a fact. The man literally had the world by the balls. I remember well when 'Thriller' first came out, and the massive hit singles, it seemed that nearly every song on that album was a number-one hit. He could have retired after that one album and never had to work again. How many people can say that at 23?
It's watching these old videos that are cropping up on the music stations (and you can't avoid it today, every MTV and VH-1 clone has them on, even the gospel station's gotten into the act) that are making me feel sad. It also seems that the world was a simpler place then, compared to today - though I know damned well that's not true, the 80s were a time of massive upheaval that I would never willingly go through again. I got a glimpse of the old Michael, the one that was black, the one that knew how to rock with you, the one that shook his body down to the ground. Simpler times, like I said. Not the one that admitted to sleeping with children in his bed, or the one that had a moonwalking monkey, etc.
I look at these videos of his and I can't really connect the oddball things that he did with them. If you've seen the video for 'In The Closet' you'll know what I mean - this girl he was dancing with was incredibly fucking hot. And NOT under eighteen, I assure you. The lyrics to 'Dirty Diana' are insanely sexual. I just cannot picture this man doing the things that he was reported to have done. And yet... it's all on tape. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever know.
I'm sad because I'm 37 years old, heh. Without a doubt, I know that my childhood is gone. Michael Jackson was only 50, that's a 13 year age difference. It almost feels as if I'm staring death in the face. Isn't that stupid? And yet... it's a stark, black-or-white fact, har har.
I guess it's the equivalent of pulling up the proverbial socks. It's time to grow up, if I haven't already, and be an adult. I can't pretend that I'm 15 or 20 or even 25 anymore. I'm middle-aged. I'm an adult. God, it's depressing, heh.
That's why when I see "Say, Say, Say" on the video channel (which is a song I've always really liked), I have tears in my eyes. If that makes me a wuss, so be it, I'm a wuss. :p
So I won't go "arr-eye-pee" all over the place, though I hope the man is less tortured in his next life (if you believe in reincarnation, that is). But I will provide a video to that favorite song of mine.
Cheers.
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