Reflections on a quiet night.

It's Monday morning at 3:20am, which means that the neighborhood is dead quiet - not even a car rolling by, all I hear are the birds singing.  I have my window open, since it's late April and pretty nice out.  My husband is next to me, sleeping the sleep of the calm and happy (he's snoring, so I can tell, hah).  And I'm wide awake, since I actually fell asleep after my exercise session at the gym and got a good bit of rest.

Seems a good time to reflect upon recent events.

The truth is that there really isn't too much to say.  I've achieved most of what I've planned, so far.  I'm married now to a good man who loves me (and I must say that this second marriage is already a thousand times happier than my first, even after only a month).  I'll be graduating from college in three weeks, a feat that I never in my wildest dreams thought would happen, ever.  I've lost almost eighty pounds in two years, with more slated to come off as my exercise routine gets better, and stronger (and it is... more about that in a minute).  My three-year waiting period for the house ends in a week (you know, the 8k tax credit - I have to live here for three years in order not to have to pay that back to the government.  Once it ends, I can move and I don't owe anyone anything), so... if I want to move, I can (not that we're planning on it soon, but you know).

The only sour note is that I'm way behind in my finances.  I was hoping to have a lot more paid off than this.  Unfortunately, the bullshit with the legal case totally derailed that - but I'll eventually catch up.  I'm still not sure if I'm going to graduate school yet - it depends on the economy and whether sequestration will continue, etc.  So far, it doesn't look good - no one's even mentioned it coming to an end.  It may never come to an end, at this rate.

So that's up in the air.  But everything else, so far, is on track.

I was in the gym today, working out, and I was really getting into the routine - feeling the sweat pouring down my face and my body, which is normally a pretty icky feeling to me (and it's one of the reasons that I dislike working out, to be honest).  Today, though, I was reveling in it for some reason - then I started to notice that I would feel a little "nudge" in my legs - it was the feel of the excess fat/skin/whatever rubbing up against my leg.  It wasn't a lot (just so you all don't get grossed out, you know), but it was enough to motivate me to work out even harder.  It was like, "oh my God, you're nasty, go AWAY."  Know what I mean?

Suddenly, with each step I took, with each rotation on that elliptical, it was like I was saying "fuck you" to everyone who had ever told me that I was worthless, grotesque, ugly.  It was a constant "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you."  (Yes, I'm actually kind of laughing thinking about that.)  But it was incredible.  I worked out so hard today, almost 700 calories burned in one session, which for me is insane.

Yes, I'm a beginner.  But for some reason... I think this time it's going to stick.  There was a time where I did it to make an impression on others - this time, this shit is for me, because I don't have anyone I need to impress.  My husband loves me whether I'm obese or not - he's proven that.

This time, it's for me.  This time, I'm saying "fuck you" to the ones that never believed in me.

The music helps.  I've been working on my mp3 collection (yes, again, I'm so freaking obsessive, that's NEVER changed about me), so I've had to use Slacker Radio for workouts.  Oddly, they've come up with stuff I never knew about and that I'm seriously digging.  The song below is one of my newer favorites:



I marvel at how far I've truly come.

I wonder sometimes, only sometimes, what those who put me down before would think of me now.  I wonder sometimes if I'm strong enough to confront those that have tried so hard to see me in the ground, either figuratively or literally.  But, to be honest... that wondering only extends to what I would do if I saw them again.  I'm vindictive enough to laugh in their faces.

Anger is a powerful, powerful motivator.  But...  in the end, you know what?  It's only useful when it helps me.  I don't think about it beyond that.

I think I'm going off into a tangent now, so I'm going to stop here.  But... my life is good.  It's getting better.  It's going to keep getting better.

:)

An open letter to a drama king/queen I know. Ranty and DEFINITELY not for the faint of heart.

This is probably going to be a pretty insensitive post here, so be warned.  If you're offended at the end of it - well, too fuckin' bad, heh.  :p  Here goes.

I have an acquaintance on Eff-Bee (I don't consider this person a "friend", because I've never met them in person and only know them from a forum we'd shared once long ago) that consistently and constantly complains about - well, everything.  Now, granted, they've had it hard recently.  Their spouse cheated on them and their marriage ended up breaking up because of it.  That same spouse that cheated on them is now due alimony for the rest of their life - alimony that equals thousands of dollars a month.  In turn, this person got laid off a couple of years ago from a really prominent job, and is now down to their last unemployment check.  They also have a pretty bad problem with alcohol and drinking too much.  Sounds awful, yeah?  It is, I'll agree.

But.... (isn't there always a but in there?)....

This same person has had jobs in the last couple of years - not as prominent, and it involved a commute that was hellish to the extreme, almost a 2 hour commute each way - but still, a job.  A way to eat.  A way to put a roof over their head.  This same person has been advised to leave the state in which they live and attempt to fight their ex-spouse for alimony reduction and/or elimination.  This same person has friends that have, time and time again, offered to let them live with them, help them out, get their life back on track.  This same person has been told over and over again to quit drinking and smoking, to get themselves together.

Okay?  So the stage is set;  you now know what this person is like.  Let me get to the meat of the story here.

This same person, the one to whom I refer above, consistently gets on Eff-Bee and posts negative shit.  All the time.  Things like "if you want something from me, too FUCKING bad, suck it up, blah blah".  Or things like "I have given everything, now I'm leaving you all, goodbye", etc., etc.  Constant manipulation and drama posturing.  Not too long ago, I witnessed three friends of this person being blocked because they actually dared to tell them that they was being... what else.... a drama king/queen.  People were actually fighting on this person's profile - fighting for Chrissake.  This person self-describes themselves as "untreated bipolar" and actually takes pride in this self-diagnosis.  Pride.  This person is unemployed, has been for at least a year, but still has money to drink and smoke countless packs of cigarettes a day and travel to far-away states to indulge in a hobby - yet complains that they can't find a job.  This person complains constantly about helping their greedy, selfish ex-spouse and their greedy, selfish manipulative children and their greedy, selfish father - yet they consistently send money and act as support and go "family is everything, blah blah".  This person posts links to "meaningful songs" eight times a day - literally, I have seen this person post the same video 8 times in one day - and is practically screaming "NOTICE ME".

Well, I have noticed you.  But you're not going to like what I have to say to you.

1.  Stop threatening shit and just DO it.  You're going to disappear, leave, start a new life?  You're going to quit supporting your greedy family?  Fucking DO it and quit threatening it.  Otherwise, honey, you are all talk and no action.  It gets old after a while.  Ever hear of the story of "the boy who cried wolf"?  That's you all over.  After a while, no one is going to believe what you say or even notice it for more than anything it is right now - which is posturing.  You are so contradictory - one minute you threaten everyone who "hurts your family" and the next you're like, "they're all greedy, selfish assholes, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done".  Which is it?

2.  Just because people say things to you that you don't like, it doesn't mean they're not right.  Those three friends of yours were right - when you do contradictory things, a real friend is going to call you on your shit.  A real friend will tell you when you're wrong, because that's what they do - it means they care about your dumb ass enough to let you know, "Hey, dude, I think you need to maybe consider what you're doing."  Ever think of that?

3.  The reason you don't have a job isn't because you're over 50 years old.  The reason you don't have a job right now isn't because you're overqualified.  It's because you don't want to give up your hobby.  It's because you don't want to leave the place you're living now in order to get a job or start a life elsewhere.   It's because you don't want to realize that sometimes you have to give up the things you want in life in order to survive.  Life is about survival - something you claim to know very well, but I don't really think you do.  That job you had where you had to commute 4 hours a day - yeah, it sucked that you had to do that, but you know what?  If that's what it takes to eat, to have a roof over your head, then that's what you do.  It's not for a 50 inch TV or a fancy car that you keep crying everyone wants - it's so you can eat, have clothes on your back, and a place to lay your head.  That's what you claim you want - so get out there and do it, and don't complain if you have to do things you don't want to do.  That's called doing what you have to in order to survive.  If that means working at fucking McDonald's, then that's what you do.  

4.  Life is what YOU make of it.  If your life has been a catastrophic mess for the last X amount of years, maybe you need to sit the fuck down and think about why that is.  Nothing is ordained, okay?  You need to maybe examine your own self and see what you might be able to do to turn that around.  No one, no one, NO ONE in this life "deserves" anything and no one is going to fucking help you - the help lies in your own hands.  There is no "knight in shining armor".  There is no one that's going to ride into your life on a bright white stallion, scoop you up, and "take you away", okay?  You're on your fucking own out here.  The world is cruel, and life isn't "fair".  Get used to it.  Look at the things that you do, and say, and think, and you might find that a lot of your misery is caused by things you do... and say.... and think.

5.  As someone with long-term depression, I find it reprehensible that you believe yourself to have depression of any kind and refuse to get treatment.  As a matter of fact, I find your pride in "being unmedicated" absolutely abhorrent.  You do not realize what your actions do to people around you.  You do not realize that the things you say and do can cause incredible hurt to others.  I've seen it myself with the way you treat people, even your own children (who love you despite the shit you AND your ex-spouse have done to them).  You talk a big game about what a "real friend" does, but you know what?  A real friend doesn't tell the people who care about them to "fuck off", "suck it up", because they happen to think differently than you do.  I saw you go off on someone who had talked about buying their child a Christmas gift.  How DARE you presume to think for others?  Are you omniscient now?  Is your way the only right way to think?

I only keep you on my "friends list" because I'm waiting for the next drama-filled post of yours.  I'm waiting to see you implode, because you will if you don't fucking do something about your life.  Stop treating people like shit.  Get up off of your ass and do SOMETHING - anything.  Get a job, move away from that hellhole you call a state, start making money off of your hobby, do SOMETHING.  You've got plenty of friends left that will be more than willing to help you - that is, if you can keep from alienating them any further.  Stop crying about how your life sucks - because let me tell you something, pal - there are plenty, plenty, PLENTY of people in the world whose life sucks more than yours ever will.

Maybe try a little GRATITUDE for what you do have.  It works wonders.

End of rant.

The wounds are beginning to close.

I start this with the feeling that I want to write something, but... I don't really have a clear purpose in mind. This most likely means that it's going to be a lot of rambling about nothing, so if you don't really give a rat's ass about the inner workings of my head, it's probably best to skip this one. It's okay, really - I won't be upset about it. :p

My wrist and hand are doing a lot better, though they're not "fixed" by any means. I am still having trouble with some things such as putting on a bra or clothes that have to be buttoned (though I'm doing well with tying shoelaces, oddly). Today, I was able to tie my hair back into a tail for the first time since the accident, a very good sign. I am able to type again with both hands, though on a limited basis (I can only do it for short periods before I have to "rest" again - it's the way the cast is wrapped, bluh). My next orthopedic appointment is for October 5th, and there's a good possibility that I'll be able to get the cast off completely, though I'm sure I'll still have to wear a soft brace for a while. Still, it's better than this heavy monstrosity that seems to weigh more and more each passing day. Ugh!

I once again have been thinking of my recent past... only now I just feel indifference. It no longer matters. None of it does. I have survived the pain and I have come out on the other side stronger, healthier, more determined than ever. Perhaps the ghosts have finally been vanquished... or at the very least, put to rest.

Yesterday, my therapist shortened my appointments to once a month. When I first began seeing him, it was once a week. It's further proof that the depression is now fading away, or at least has been pushed way, way back onto the closet shelf. It gives me hope that I continue to improve, little by little, day by day. I hope that the depression stays gone - forever.

Still, I bear its scars. I suspect that I always will.

My relationship with Greg continues to flourish. I still pinch myself some days, wondering how all of this came to be... but I am trying not to question my good fortune, but to simply enjoy it.

It's strange, but I now wonder what this blog will become, now that my mental health has improved, if not been restored altogether. This used to be my complaining ground, my "best friend", the one place that I knew I could scream, whine, be emo, cry, sob my stupid head off. But now? I don't really know what purpose it serves these days, as I have very little to complain or cry about. I question whether I will - or should - continue to write in it. The lack of posting recently is no accident, really - I've just not had too much to say. I've been too busy living my life - and I've discovered that there IS a life out there!

(Though my wrist being broken doesn't lead me to want to use it too much in the pursuit of writing, or anything else. There is that, heh.)

And now, a video. :p Actually... this song has a certain meaning to me, as it's one of the last songs I remember... before the depression took over my life. :(

Yes, I cry when I hear this.

Enjoy. Until next time.

Tonight, I am grateful.

Despite how it may look to most readers of this lovely little tome of mine, I do contemplate on heavier social and political matters from time to time. Nowhere was that more evident than tonight; if you keep up with the news, there was a real and serious threat of a government shutdown, which of course means that my job would be directly affected. Until approximately an hour ago, I was prepared to come to work on Monday morning and perform my duties, as difficult as they are, for no compensation. (I would have gotten paid eventually, considering that I am an "essential" employee - but my paychecks still wouldn't have been on time, disrupting my financial plans and so much more.) Luckily... I have been saved at the eleventh hour tonight, as the worthless idiots that make up our Congress have stopped bickering like whiny five year olds in the sandbox and have come up with a compromise.

Tonight, I am grateful that my job has been saved.

Tonight, I am grateful that I will continue to pay my mortgage, on time and in full.

Tonight, I am grateful that I am able to turn on my heat to combat the slight chill in the air. I am grateful that I will be warm and safe in my comfortable bed.

Tonight, I am grateful that I will eat another meal, and not worry about where it's coming from.

It's things like this averted shutdown that have made me realize just how very lucky I have it. Yeah, I suffer from mental illness. I suffer from avoidant personality disorder and my social life is in shambles. My track record with relationships sucks ass.

But I could have it so, so much worse.

Tonight.... I am TRULY grateful for everything I have.

A pragmatic ending and a hopeful beginning.

So, here we are again; it's the annual "end of the year" post where I refuse to recap the past 12 months and insist that you go look it all up in the previous entries. :p

I think that I'm going to take a different stance on things this year, though, in that for once, I have a lot of things to talk about. I've been very loquacious these past two weeks - more so than I have been in the last two years. I'm talking, sharing, relating with people. It's a strange, heady feeling, but it's also not feeling false or forced. It used to be that I'd make an attempt at being sociable, and afterwards I would feel horrible, as if I'd talked too much or sounded tinny and false; which in retrospect, probably wasn't far off the mark. But I'm actually feeling pretty well today. Today is one of my "good days", I guess you could say.


So I'll just do a quick recap of the past year, through my eyes, which have been blinded for a good portion of the time... but the cobwebs are truly beginning to clear.

The best part of the year for me was easily buying this house back in April. This was the best move I have ever made for myself, bar none. I don't think that anything can compare to the knowledge that I have that this house is mine, that I will never be forced to move on because of circumstance or because I wasn't wanted somewhere. I still have a long way to go as far as getting the things that I need... but for the first time in... what may be forever.... I now feel that I have a real home.

Other highlights of the year include my finding my therapist, who has helped me more than I can ever say. I have come forward in great strides since August, when I began seeing him on a regular basis, and have knocked down some impenetrable walls since - all without drugs or being locked up. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for this, believe me, but I'm taking the tools that I'm slowly learning and using them for my good, and in the end for others' good as well.

I've learned that in order to love other people, I need to love myself first and foremost. I've learned that maybe being ethical isn't a bad thing. I've learned that perhaps honesty is the way to go, and I've learned that other peoples' shortcomings aren't necessarily my own. Last night, I had a long, good talk with a friend who has been through hell and back with me and this illness... I mean, I have seriously put him through the wringer with this shit. I told him that I've learned that I am the sum of my experiences - one bad experience does not make my whole life, nor does it make me as a complete person. I've learned that while there are bad things in one's life, and even whole blocks of bad times, there's also some good times and experiences in almost everything one does.

And I've learned that my family's mistakes aren't mine. I've learned that even though I've been abused, I can rise above it - that indeed, it is my duty to rise above it and make something out of myself. And I think I've begun that process. There's always more I can do, and more work to be done. But 2011 will be a part of that work, and if there's anything I've learned from this depression, it's that self-improvement can never harm, and always helps.

Pretty heavy stuff, huh? :)

Now... the worst part of the year, well. I'll be straight with you on this - in some ways, the worst part of the year actually turned me around and began the real job of healing. If you go back to late September, where I'd said that something horrible had happened to me and that I couldn't discuss it.... that is the worst part of the year for me. I will reveal that incident now - basically, I'd had a date with someone I'd met online, and it ended up that I was more or less raped. It wasn't a violent incident, but.... the details really don't matter, because when someone says no, no matter what part of the buildup you're in - if they don't stop, it's rape. And that's what it turned out to be.

I'll be frank with you. I considered suicide. I wanted to die. I was very, very close to taking a butcher knife out of the kitchen and driving it into my chest. I was violated, humiliated, thought that death was the only escape from all of the misery and depression symptoms. I couldn't cope. And I didn't tell anyone about it, because.... what could I really say? It was that old self-validation kicking in, the sense that I needed this asshole's approval to feel good about myself. Isn't that terrible?

But, you see... after that weekend, where I lay on my sofa, dry-eyed and burning with hate... that's when it all started to turn around for me. I had that choice in my hands... life or death. That knife in my hands would determine the course of my fate. And quite honestly, that was one heavy, heavy choice. To know that I had the power to end it all.... or to fight the disgust, anger, depression, the effects of the abuse that I've endured throughout my life. Was I really worth nothing more than peoples' scorn and abuse? Or was it up to me to make myself worth more?

Ever since that day, I have had a steel determination to never, never, ever let someone abuse me again - in any way, shape or form. The minute that boundaries are crossed, I cut them loose, and I don't allow anyone to take more than I'm willing to give them. I no longer accept being treated like a second-class citizen, from anybody or anything. If people don't like me, that's just too bad - they have a choice to not be around me, just like I have a choice not to be treated like garbage.

I'm not second-best. I'm not someone's option, I am a goddamn PRIORITY, and I will be treated like one!

So... that was the worst part of it for me. The cruise in September just before that wasn't nearly as awful, but it wasn't a huge success, either. I just don't think that cruising is the type of vacation I enjoy, and I probably won't go again. Otherwise, it's been kind of a quiet year, and one filled with self-discoveries and learning, some good and some bad.

Now, for the predictions of 2011. I don't do resolutions, you see, as calling them 'resolutions' is a sure way of making them not happen, heh.

Career: I think it's going to continue to be full of changes and improvements. If I receive another promotion next year, I'll be elevated to a GS-6, which isn't much more in the pay scale, but it's a huge step as far as levels are concerned. I am more or less satisfied with the job for the present time, though I need to start thinking about ramping up the skill set and maybe updating a few of my abilities.

Health, Mental: I seriously feel that I'm going to continue to improve on this front. I have never felt better than in the last 2 weeks. Yes, I continue to have some spells, but they're much shorter in duration and come during fragile times of the year such as the holidays or my birthday. Therapy continues. We shall see.

Health, Physical: I haven't been able to concentrate on this front in 2010, and I have unfortunately begun to see some deterioration in my body because of it. I still do not have the inherited family difficulties yet (varicose veins, respiratory issues, circulation problems), but they're slowly coming. I have had some disturbing physical symptoms appear due to my weight, which I am making a huge priority to do something about this year. I am considering doing a separate blog for this issue alone (which I shall surely share when the time is right). This isn't a resolution, okay; this is an issue that I am taking VERY seriously. I will be much healthier physically by this time next year, or there will be a damned good reason why, which in that case, I will seriously put the option of bariatric surgery on the table. I'm done with looking and feeling like a pile of crap. If I can work to heal my mind and be rid of this depression - I can lose this fucking weight.

I ask for everyone's support for this, because if I do have surgery, it will be a lifetime change that I will have to deal with, and it's very frightening.

Social Life/Relationships: No progress on this front in 2010. The last two weeks of this year have been a little abnormal, but it's because I'm feeling pretty well. Otherwise, there has been little to no change. I am not concerned about it, as I have repeatedly stated that I'm not ready for it. For 2011, I predict that there still won't be a lot of changes, though I think it'll get slightly easier. Time will tell.

Financial: I end 2010 in excellent financial shape. I'm hoping to have a lot more in savings and investments in 2011, though I'll always have a little bit of a shopping bug, probably more so than usual now because of the house. I'm not going to hesitate in treating myself to things, though, should I want something.

....and that's it. That's really all that I wanted to say tonight. Basically, I'm not unhappy to see 2010 depart, but at the same time, I feel that it was a year of transition for me, from desperately ill to recovering. Hopefully by this time in 2011, I can finally report that I'm doing much better. :)

This is the song that, for me, sums up how I feel 2011 will be. I hope that it is!



Happy New Year to all. May it be everything that you want it to be.

My former self lurks underneath the surface.

It's been a crazy, hectic, somewhat irritating week... but somehow I'm managing to hold up amongst it all.

One of the main things that happened is that I have given up drinking soda in any format - diet or otherwise. I have had a huge diet Coke addiction for the last 20 years, and... I don't really know what spurred me to quit drinking it other than a slight, nagging feeling that "it was time". I know - it makes no sense. But as of tomorrow, it'll be the first full week in 20 years that I haven't drunk diet Coke, and the first full week in God-knows-how-many-years that I haven't ingested some kind of soda product. And honestly? I feel fine. It wasn't a death sentence. Just like I'm starting to realize that giving up a lot of things haven't been death sentences, and indeed.. might even be for the better.

My life is beginning anew. I am on the precipice of better times - I can feel that. And I'm ready for whatever comes next. Certainly the past five years have contained enough apathy and pain and futility to last a lifetime. I admit that a lot of it was caused by my own stupid self - but now I know better, and there isn't a day that I don't kick myself for allowing it to happen.

I'm not ready to really discuss that, yet. But someday I will be, and it'll be fine, just like it's fine now. I am at peace. I am content.

This therapy has helped me in ways that I didn't even find possible five years ago. Maybe my depression isn't a lifelong prison. Maybe I've even been let out of that prison. I don't know, and it's too soon to tell.

But I'm going to enjoy what I can, when I can. Life is too short for less.

78 rpm where it was 33 1/3.

My life is beginning to race in directions that only a month ago seemed incomprehensible.

This week, my workplace is having a three-day conference, of which we're now on the second day. I was (am) on the planning committee for this shindig, and had thought up until yesterday that it was just flat out going to suck - the consensus was that there was no consensus as far as what kind of activities to plan or what exactly to discuss. But now that it's actually gotten started, I've discovered that the speakers that we've hired are actually terrific. They've been quite inspirational, and I am not usually the kind of person that takes anything valuable away from public speakers. (Most of the time, I end up half asleep.)

Today, we had a class about emotional intelligence - it's a "hot button" topic right now in the world of employment. I had taken this class last year with a different instructor, and it was helpful then - but the instructor we had today was just that much better. I gained quite a bit from the class - mainly about self-control (something that I seriously need a lot more of). I didn't agree with everything she said, of course. One of the main sticking points that I had trouble with was about how everything in life was a choice - I could choose to be depressed, or I could choose to be positive. I see some truth in that, but I completely disagree about the phrase "choosing to be depressed" - no one chooses to have a debilitating mental illness, trust me on this point. And I said as much. But in some ways, her other points were made in that I spoke up for myself and didn't just "take it lying down". In the past, I wouldn't have questioned such rhetoric, I'd have just sat there and passively agreed - which is the wrong, wrong, wrong thing to do. In defending myself, I was proactive, and I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I think that everyone else was, too.

But even if they weren't - that's not the end of my world, now is it?

One of the most valuable life lessons that I've taken out of this is: "It's not that serious."

You know what I mean by that? Life just isn't that serious that I need to be freaking out over every little thing. I'm what they call a "driver" - a person that's more task-focused than people-focused, and fast-paced as opposed to slow. Unfortunately, "drivers" want control, and panic when they don't have it. And that describes me perfectly - I've searched all of my life for something I could control, in vain. The consequences are that I've lived my life in a state of anxiety, which ... leads to depression. It's no wonder that I am what I am, is it?!!?

My therapy has begun. I walked out from that last session tired, wrung out and exhausted from sobbing. But I also felt oddly lighter, more involved with the world and less within my own head. I have probably the only doctor in Maryland with Sunday appointments - I really lucked out, there.

I also saw my friend from the Camden train this morning. It was only for a few minutes, but he said hello, I said hello, and we shared a little bit about our work schedules. I was able to explain that I was on the night shift this month, which was why I hadn't seen him. I'm glad I said that, I didn't want him to think I'd just disappeared. He's a nice person. The first friend I've made in a long, long time. And I don't even know his name (yet). But it was so, so good to connect with someone, even if only for a moment.

I can't guarantee that I'll be able to hold on to this feeling all the time, but I feel that I've taken away a lot of things from this class, and indeed from the last week or two. My good streak continues. I've been able to function, and function well. I think that perhaps I've begun my starting over. I hope. For the first time in a long time.... in months.... perhaps years... I have hope!

Last day of the conference/work before the Labor Day weekend. I might head down to Beadazzled later this weekend and pick up on that new hobby I want to try. Who knows, maybe I'll really enjoy it! And I leave for the Bahamas in a week....

So much going on and so little time. Life is getting better. I hope that it keeps up!

Quick update.

My homework is caught up, for the most part. I have a project due for Information Systems tomorrow, but it's fast and can be taken care of. Everything else is done. I was even able to do one of the missed assignments and turn it in, though I'll suffer a slight late penalty, but it's better than not turning it in at all.

The house thing is proceeding smoothly. All that's left is the home inspection, the appraisal, and then we go straight to closing. Looks like April 30th is going to be the date, after all. God, I'm nervous. But it's over and done with, I can't back out now, so... unless something really fucks up at this point, I'm a homeowner. (And, yes. There will be a party, I think, so bring your friends, bring your neighbors, blah blah. We'll see.)

Life is hectic, but starting to come together. Slowly. As usual, I need patience and time.

But it's starting to look up.

A rare moment of downtime at work.

Ah, the wonder of technology, where I have the ability to bitch about my life, live, as it's happening.

The truth is that there's very little to bitch about at the moment. I'm worried about school and a paper that's due on Sunday, but I'm going to do the best that I can on it and leave it at that - I'm done with stressing about it. Otherwise, everything fine. The Luvox seems to be working very well, but I'm still being cautious - optimistic, but cautious. I don't want to get hopeful, only to be let down once again.

One of the positive things that has happened from the medication is that I have taken the step - a very big step, for me - of apologizing to a few people that I have in the past distanced myself from, for whatever convoluted reasons I dreamed up (and I admit that I probably did it out of illness - you don't reason when you're depressed, because you can't). In any case... a few people have accepted my apology. Some haven't. That's okay - I did the right thing, and if some can't accept it, that's fine. I have finally learned, I think, that I can't control the universe - and that it doesn't revolve around me, though I'd sure like it to. I might have trouble remembering that - but I do know, finally.

With that said, I now introduce you to two new blogs - News of the Highly Bizarre, which is run by my friend Layla - and Inside the Cynic, run by Rob. Enjoy them - they're both witty and intelligent people. Would I hang out with anyone who wasn't? :p

Speaking of blog, I'm again considering a format/design change, but I haven't learned enough CSS or Dreamweaver yet to implement it. Sure, I could rip off another blog design from the free templates that seem to proliferate out there - but I did the one I have now on my own (admittedly with a lot of help offered) and I'd kind of like to keep it that way. There's too much hearts and pink and glittery shit out there for my taste - I'm 37 years old, not 17, I want mine to at least look adult-oriented, if not be it. Sheesh. I think pink is a lovely color - if it's not overdone, which it is about 99.9% of the time.

Not much else to say today, so I'll close out. Hopefully the rest of the week will go as smoothly as it can.

Luvox and hope.

Today is my fifth day on the Luvox, and already I'm noticing some improvements. I'm able to talk to people again - about real things now, not just conversational filler such as "uh-huh" and "oh rilly" and "is that right". It's early days. I'm not quite out of the woods yet. But I'm starting to see a difference. I'm not sure if others do, no one has told me so if there is, but ... it's just how I feel, I guess. I've actually said that I would meet one of my friends later in the month for a drink, provided that they get their shit together... this is a move that I couldn't have made even a couple of weeks ago. As far as I'm concerned, that's a huge step. And a good one.

It's been a long, hard-assed road, this depression of mine. It'll be with me for life, I know that, and I may never get off of these meds.. but if I can feel better like this, after so many years of frankly not remembering shit, I'll take them as long as I need to. It's worth it.

As "consciousness" returns to me, I see that I need to not only acknowledge my past mistakes, but I need to maybe start forgiving people instead of holding grudges against them. And maybe the first person that I need to start with is myself. I've done a lot of things in my life that I'm not proud of, some of which would curl your toes, dear Reader. I've really done some awful things in my life. But... I need to maybe understand that I might have had to do some of those things in order to survive, or to get through. I've probably had this depression since my early teens - certainly all of the signs and symptoms were there, so I've been told. And I believe it. There are portions of my life from those days that I only partially remember. It hurts, a lot. But perhaps I need to start forgiving myself. I've paid my dues, in pain and in tears - so now maybe, just maybe, it's time to let things go for good. What do you think?

Lots of reflection today. I guess that this Luvox stuff has cleared the cobwebs out of my brain, at least for now anyway. I hope that my new-found clarity stays with me... but if not I'll keep trying to find it.

Thanks for listening.

Some stuff going on, not much noteworthy...

There's a lot of mess going on down at work right now, mainly with Useless (the other one that I've been wanting to get rid of for some time now). I think she's going to be fired. And trust me, that's a huge reason to cheer, as I've been wanting her gone for months now... but at the same time I'm ambivalent about it, because it means a good deal of the work is going to fall on my shoulders. But... hasn't it been anyway?

At least now they'll have a chance to find someone that actually wants to work.

Otherwise, all is somewhat calm in casa Ray. I had a really bad moment this week when I didn't think I was going to make my doctor's appointment tomorrow because of a schedule conflict at work, but in the end I prevailed. Put it this way - if they can give someone a week off because they were trapped in an elevator for 20 minutes, they can damned well give me an appointment to get the medicine that I desperately need in order to function.

(Yes, this is a true story. Useless has taken the entire week off because she was trapped in an elevator for 20 minutes on Monday. I swear to God, you just can't make some things up. It's not for this reason that I think she's going to be fired, but it sure doesn't help her case, now does it.)

Things have calmed down, and I feel a little better, though I'm going to talk to the doctor about maybe either adjusting my meds or getting something different. The mood swings continue, some very badly. They're just not coming as frequently. Also, the social anxiety is getting positively ridiculous. I don't even want to go out and see friends that I already have, never mind make new ones.

I want you all, the few of you that have continued to stick around, to know this, and it's important, please read it - my reticence and pulling away from you is NOT YOUR FAULT. It's my disorder right now, that's the only thing I can blame it on. I want to hang out, talk to you, have fun with you - it's my depression and anxiety that is the reason why I'm avoiding you right now. It is NOTHING you have done. If I seem like I have nothing to say right now, or that I'm hiding, or that I'm not talking to you, etc., it's me. Please continue to bear with me as you have been, and I promise that I'll work on fixing these issues. I want to be social with you all. I really do. There's nothing I want more.

Pretty tired now, so I'm going to hit the sack, but I'll write more this weekend. Thanks for bearing with me so far, if you're still around. You guys mean the world to me, and more.

<3

Feeling better today.

After a day of what was easily the worst attack to hit me yet since the post-Wellbutrin/Abilify/Buspirone cocktail was prescribed... I'm feeling much more like "myself" today, whatever consists of my self, anyway. I felt better enough to get out of this house and get groceries, which for me is a major coup since I hate shopping of any kind (yes, even groceries. I'm just not a shopping chick).

I'm recommitted to following my medication schedule. Have to be, because I seriously think that's what the problem was.

I was going to go down to Merritt Athletic today and ask about a subscription, but... not enough time today and I want to be able to pay my other bills. Just because I got a raise doesn't mean that I'm all of a sudden Miss Moneybags. Still, I need to work out a lot more, so... maybe the added expense will be worth it.

18 days until I go on this cruise. I'm not sure of why I'm not more excited about it. Possibly because it's a vacation with my mother, which for normal people would be a good thing, but for me... it's a virtual minefield. I don't know what she'll say or do on this cruise to embarrass or humiliate me, so I'm naturally wary. I need the time off from work desperately, though, so I'm hoping all will go well. Pictures to follow, of course, but ship-to-shore Internet access is horrific in price, so I don't anticipate that people will see a lot of me during those 9 days. I'm sure you all will miss me, though, right?

Enjoying a milk chocolate Lindt truffle. I know, I absolutely should not have these, they're fattening and I go through them like water, but they're so good. At ten dollars a pound, though, I assure you that I don't get them very often... my tastes are apparently becoming expensive.

Anyway. I feel a lot better today, which I'm grateful for. Here's hoping the week will run just as smoothly.

Reflections. (Guess I'm not quite done yet for today, heh.)

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I used to be. When the worst of the depression was haunting me, and in truth I find that I don't even remember anymore, the person that I used to be. This is probably, most likely, a good thing, because from the people who knew me then... they tell me that I was... well, not easy to live with is a kind term. A bitch, maybe is what they mean to say, heh. But.. I find that I remember very little of that time at all.

All that I can remember is that I know that all I wanted was to die. That I honestly felt the world closing in on me, choking me, suffocating me. Just to breathe was to hurt. It was a feeling that I cannot describe more than that.

I don't remember being able to work, or to get out of bed a lot of the time. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't think beyond making it a second, a minute at a time.

I do remember the mental hospital. I remember the ward. That was the beginning of waking up for me, but even that didn't fully snap me out of it. I was on drugs that I never should have been on, at the wrong dosages and at the wrong times. Paxil made me dead inside. I could function, but not at a level where I would care. The Buspirone helped greatly with the anxiety and took that away, but it wasn't until I got put on this combination that I'm on now... that I started to feel better.

And today?

I hesitate to say that I'm better, still. Because I've been here before, you know. I've been in a position where I thought I was okay, where I thought that the depression was gone... and the next day, week, month, I'd have an attack so crushing that I'd despair all over again. It's a rollercoaster, a cruel one.

But I do feel that I'm in a better place now. I'm able to handle situations now that would have had me in broken, screaming sobs even a year ago. This job in itself proves that I'm better, because how many people do you know that could deal with a thousand angry, just-as-depressed-as-you-are people a day? And not only deal with the job, but ride it to the point where you get a promotion barely a year later?

Yes. I think it's safe to say that I'm better now. But I still live in a world of fear that one of these days the drugs will stop working. That I'll go back to being in that glass box where I used to watch the world from outside, and yearn to be a part of it but couldn't be because the edges of that box were cutting into my throat. That's how I felt for a long, long time. Maybe for my whole life.

I'm reminded of the song "Blackbird" by the Beatles.



Ignore the video itself... but listen to the lyrics. That's so where I really am now in my life. I'm scared.. but I'm learning to live again. That's where I am.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Sigh.... and life rolls on.

Things haven't changed much.  I'm still at the job - though apparently the news about the bitch leaving is true - she was seen cleaning her desk out this morning.  Thank fucking God, that's all I can say.  Now if I could get a couple more out of here...but, alas, one at a time.  I will so not miss her stupid screaming laugh that sounds for all the world like a dying hyena.  If I could kiss the fucking floor... two more days.  That's all I have to deal with now is two days... please Christ let me get through them without wanting to smack her stupid face.

 

I've been rendered even more bitter and disillusioned - I got my weekly crim assignment grade back... an 84.  What... the... fuck.  I worked my ass off on an assignment last week that only got a 68 (as far as I know, that's a big fat fail), but I don't even bother to try this week... and I get an 84.  And I really DIDN'T bother, either - it was more or less word for word out of the book with a few tiny flourishes thrown in for good measure.

 

It only shows me that people DON'T want original thought or ideas.  It only shows me that people are mindless fucking sheep, just like I've always believed.  Why should I even bother trying anymore?  I'd actually maybe get somewhere if I DIDN'T.

 

Heh, I know I sound so bitter.  I am bitter, in a way.

 

I still have the big project due this weekend.  She may as well give me my fail grade for that now because I have no idea of what I'm doing or what I'm supposed to do.

 

I'm depressed.  Can you tell?  <bitter laugh>

 

Anyway.  That's my update for the last few days.  Exciting stuff, I know.  Nothing much changes here in my cracked little head.

 

Sorry.  :p

Holy shit. There IS a 'God'!!!!

I'm sure, if you read my blog on a regular basis, that you remember my complaining about this dumb, stupid bitch that works here, the one that always singled me out in meetings and did the schedules to give me THE worst possible jobs in creation... correct?

 

Well, I just found out that she's leaving the unit, she's going somewhere else, thank fucking Christ, you have zero idea of how much of a weight's lifted off of my shoulders!!!

 

I've been in such a good mood ever since I found this out that I've been talking to people, I've been laughing, smiling, humming under my breath... unreal.  I never realized how much this bitch was dragging my mood down.  This is the one reason why I hated coming to work.  Now it's irrelevant that my feet ache and that I deal with idiots on Thursdays, or Tuesdays, or any day.  It doesn't matter that I keep getting interrupted as I type this!  (Writing from work again during the slow periods... hey, what else is there to do, I can't study here without my textbook.)  None of it matters because she's not here to be a total raving bitch anymore.  There IS a God!

 

However... now that the excitement's over... I'm not sure exactly when this is going to happen - only that it will.  Still, I feel so much better, you would not believe.

 

Now if I can get my classwork together... God I'd be so so so much better.

 

One aside - I will NEVER take a cab from Jimmy's Cab in Towson ever again, I don't care if there's a raging snowstorm or a flood.  Why?  It was raining heavily this morning so I decided to forego the walk - it's too much to handle in the rain.  I called Jimmy's for a cab, the guy showed up... and proceeded to tell me "this is a cash only cab".  When I specifically said that I needed one that had a debit card function.  I didn't have cash with me - so I grudgingly agreed to have this guy stop at an ATM (which of course costs me extra because this asshat's sitting there with the meter running).  So what does the guy do?  He takes THE LONG WAY around, and when I dare to protest, he goes, "I thought you wanted to go to an ATM."  Of course, dumbass doesn't realize that he PASSED one on the way to the Beltway... which was nowhere NEAR where I wanted to go.

 

So then I'm steaming mad because this guy's added at least 3 bucks to his fare (and I'm not sure it wasn't deliberate, to be honest).  We stop at an ATM and he's trying to make conversation.... only at this point I am NOT in the mood.  My answers are short and clipped.  I get the money, I get back into the cab, and then he comes out with a question that shocked the fuck out of me...

 

He goes, "Are you nursing?"

 

I was like, "WHAT?  No, you sick fucking pervert, and even if I was it's none of your Goddamn business."

 

Needless to say, he shut up fast.  And did he get a tip?  Uh, NEGATIVE.

 

It only occurrs to me now that he was trying to say, "Are you IN nursing?"  He was referring to my scrubs that I wear for work.  A lot of people think I'm in the nursing field because of that.  But his English... well, it wasn't the best, let's say.

 

I feel bad for calling him a sick fucking pervert, but I really thought that's what he'd asked me, was I nursing as in breastfeeding.  -_-  Hey, it wouldn't be the first time someone's thought I was pregnant, that's unfortunately what being overweight does to a person.  :(

 

Meh.

 

I need to get going, as it's 6:30 and they'll be bum-rushing this place any minute.  But I must say... I'm a lot happier tonight than I was.  A LOT happier.

 

 

I'm feeling a little better today.

Just looking in during my lunch hour to let people know that I'm honestly all right. I've gotten a few Emails and comments inquiring about my state of mind - thanks for caring, all of you. I'm fine - it's just lil' old me venting, blowing off steam, etc. Nothing more than that.

I have such a bad temper that I'm scared sometimes to confront people when I'm angry, because I fear losing all control. People always tell me that they wonder how I'm so calm and never get angry - despite what it looks like here. You, my faithful reader, know better than that. In person, I never confront or make an issue of things, because I'm scared of myself - I'm afraid that I'll actually get physical if I get angry enough, and it's happened before (albeit very rarely - I have to be beyond reason to get that mad, heh).

I don't need to be in jail, thanks. Or to lose my job, as crappy as it is.

So far, the day's going all right, though it's before 2pm, which means nothing. It's how the afternoon will proceed that will tell me if this will end up being a crappy day or not. But... so far, so good.

I know you all are concerned about me, and I thank you for it. But I'm really okay. It's just a lot of things going on right now that I'm not happy with - mainly my financial situation. My federal credit union has really, really fucked me over big time with the money not transferring to where it needs to go, and I'm furious at them. Naturally, I either can't get a hold of them, or we're playing phone tag. Fuckers.

Heh, still pissed off about that.

Anyway, time to roll out and deal with the inevitable idiots that'll pour through the door any minute now. Please continue to wish me luck... my day isn't over for another few hours yet, and I continue to need strength.

Thanks. :)

Life continues onward.

I went back to the doctor (both therapist and pdoc) yesterday. Things are stable, finally - I continue on the Wellbutrin/buspirone/Abilify cocktail. I'm actually feeling a lot better, have been for a week now, so we'll see what happens. But I think I can relax as far as that's concerned.

Still dealing with stress from work, but... I've finally figured out that every job is going to have stress, you can't just get away from that. I've made my life as stress-free and easy as possible, so now I have to take on a little bit. That's fine - it'll be good practice. And I'll be honest with myself - any stress that I really bring home from work is brought on myself. I don't have to pay attention to any of those morons down there - I take urine and go home, that's my job, heh.

Perhaps I'll take that tack and see where we go with it.

The house desperately needs a cleaning, meh, but I've been preoccupied with shit and honestly too lazy to do it. Perhaps I'll start looking into that as well, but unfortunately nearly this entire weekend is booked with things - I have an apartment to see today, various errands to run (trimming my hair down, getting my meds, renewing my library card, etc.)... then I have to take my mother on a shopping run tomorrow afternoon, which is time-consuming and a hardship in itself - but it's to that point now where I sort of have to do it.

It could be worse - it could be to the point where she has to live with me. I'm not looking forward to that day, trust me.

I've been looking into expanding my hobbies a little more. I have a bowling group meeting next weekend, and I'd like to get cracking on my sewing machine, learning it and all of that. Would love to make my own clothes. It's intimidating, though. But if I keep trying...

I'm rambling again, hah. But sometimes this is a good thing, it means my creativity is on high. That's such a good sign!

Anyway, I'm off for now, lots to do today. I feel really good right now. Maybe my life is beginning to turn around for the better. I know, optimism is a dangerous thing, but it's nice to believe once in a great while.

In the meantime... enjoy this video. This was inspired by Miss Lion this morning acting like a total fool. I swear, I think this cat has A.D.D. :)

My good mood persists.

Even though it's Sunday and therefore little time until the idiocy begins again, somehow I'm actually not minding as much as I have the last few weeks. Perhaps the Abilify has finally kicked in and is starting to work. Whatever the reason, I'm grateful for the respite.

Not really much to say today - it really is the definition of 'a lazy Sunday' - but maybe that's a good thing in my case, heh.

I've been thinking, but instead of thinking about negativity and how I'd like to slap people stupid... I've been thinking about perhaps making efforts to mend fences with people that I was angry with... and maybe shouldn't have been. It's going to take a lot to overcome my stubborn pride, but with time... perhaps. I need to think about it, as I told someone last night.

I really do feel good. I'm reveling in it - this is so rare for me.

On a side note, my Dell Mini is "still in production", but now the automated line is saying April 13th. I can't wait to get it.

Also, I'm finally getting around to cleaning up, fixing, and posting my pictures from Sydney. I know, I know, it took a year. Deal with it. :p More details as they're available.

Until next time, cheers.

P.S. Does anyone else find the guy holding the April sign in the human calendar on the sidebar just.... looks creepy as fuck? Maybe it's me...

I am feeling MUCH better!

It was so weird - yesterday morning I woke up in tears, again, like I had been for the last three weeks... but by the time work was over, I was perfectly fine - smiling, my head felt clear, things even looked brighter and sharper. It was like the clouds just disappeared.

This convinces that work is definitely one of the major causes of what's going on with me - but I'm not so sure it's just that. For the last three weekends I've felt like utter shit, it didn't matter - so what's different about this weekend?

Maybe it's because spring weather is finally here, too. Don't get me wrong, I normally love, love, love the rain. But after nearly two weeks of it...well. You tend to start wishing that it would clear up, just for a day. And so it has - it's gorgeous outside, perfect temperatures, perfect everything. It's a little windy, but I like even that. Maryland is at her best in the springtime, I've always said that, and will continue to say. It'll stay like this until Memorial Day.. but afterwards, ughughugh.

I hate summer with a passion.

I've gotten back about 1500 dollars from federal and state gubmints combined. Not a bad chunk of change. Shame it's all going to pay bills off, heh, but there'll be another chance to travel/have fun later. I have to get my ass in gear and get out of the starting-to-be-massive debt I've begun to accumulate. It took me 8 years to get my credit back together after my ex-husband fucked me over, so I'll be damned if I'm going to blow it up myself after all I've been through!

Other than the above, there's not much going on, but I'm okay with that. Just to feel better is a miracle that I've prayed for, for the last month. :)

Here's a video for you all, just to mix it up a bit. I've been running through the lists over at DiscoMusic picking up the more obscure tunage and I've come across some absolute gems. (Yes, I like disco. Fuck you.) Anyway, I picked up this one, it's from 1982 and apparently quite the rarity, though not rare enough not to show up on YouTube, heh. You must forgive the actors their 1982-era clothes and mannerisms - we didn't know any better in those days. :D

Until next time.

A strangely pleasant day at the mental hospital!

Heh, no, I didn't get committed again. :p

I'm sitting outside here on the lawn at Sheppard Pratt with my notebook and Pandora.fm going, trying to relax. I just finished my first appointment (this one was with the pdoc), and am now waiting on my second (the therapist). It's gorgeous, cool weather out here, and I'm enjoying the quiet (well, relatively, anyway).

Soooo.... what did Mr. Doctor say?

Basically I'm now a walking hospital, heh. I'm still on Wellbutrin XL and the buspirone, but now he's added Abilify and Cogentin to the mix. Gah. It doesn't make me feel better that Abilify was originally prescribed for schizophrenia. -_- I'm trying this combination first, but if it doesn't work, I'll go to Zoloft. Another SSRI, sigh. But he says this one's not as bad as Paxil. I can only trust him and do what he tells me, but I'm getting weary...

One of the hardest things about seeing my doctors is the people that I see around me who are obviously so much more sick than I am. There was one lady that was sitting down next to me a few minutes ago that was crying and very upset... someone tried to talk to her and she was like, "leave me alone", practically screaming it. It takes me back to the days of being locked up in the ward... and it brings back some horrible memories of Miss Annie screaming as they took her away to the soft room in the straight jacket. :'( Or the girl named Dawn that was so beautiful... but believed that taking a bath would be the death of her, that a drop of water on her skin would cause her to die. Or Miss Carol, who has a loving husband and children, and six grandchildren... a big family... a huge family that visited her every single day in the ward... but she just pushed them all away and cried, day and night... never saying a word to any of them. Just tears. Lots and lots of tears.

It brings back such a dark time. I try not to hang around if I don't have to.

Otherwise, I'm doing as well as can be expected. Hopefully the Abilify will take the edge off of the ... there's no other word for it but mania, and I think that's why he prescribed it. The mood swings, anyway.

The woman's now screaming that she won't go back to that place, she won't go back to that place, she ran down to the edge of the lawn and there's a bunch of people strapping her into the gurney... maybe the same gurney I once rode on. It makes me so sad for her, for me. Because it could have been me. It could have been me... someday it might be me if I'm not careful. It scares me that I'm close to tears just hearing her scream. I don't know if that's because I share her insanity in some ways or if it's simple compassion. Maybe it's both.

That's the scariness of what this place is. Outside the landscape is beautiful... well groomed... pretty. Inside, however, lies madness, fear... pain.

It's a constant reminder that I never want to be back here - ever.

I started this post feeling positive and upbeat, but I now feel chilled to the bone, and scared. It's not a good feeling at all, and suddenly I just wish I were back home in my warm bed, relaxing and stress-free. No worries, I'm not even close to where she is now... and I thank whatever deity you believe in for that, trust me. But there's no doubt about it... I'm disturbed now. By what, I don't know... her behavior? Or my reaction to it?

I've had to put my coat on because I'm cold all of a sudden... and I was sweating to death in it when I walked here.

Sorry to end this post on a somewhat downbeat note, but... I can't help but be nervous and frightened by this woman, by her behavior, by the fact that I see myself in her. By the fact that except for the screaming and the running around... I was her, once. The pain is no different.

I'll be better by the time I get home. :)