Reflections on a quiet night.

It's Monday morning at 3:20am, which means that the neighborhood is dead quiet - not even a car rolling by, all I hear are the birds singing.  I have my window open, since it's late April and pretty nice out.  My husband is next to me, sleeping the sleep of the calm and happy (he's snoring, so I can tell, hah).  And I'm wide awake, since I actually fell asleep after my exercise session at the gym and got a good bit of rest.

Seems a good time to reflect upon recent events.

The truth is that there really isn't too much to say.  I've achieved most of what I've planned, so far.  I'm married now to a good man who loves me (and I must say that this second marriage is already a thousand times happier than my first, even after only a month).  I'll be graduating from college in three weeks, a feat that I never in my wildest dreams thought would happen, ever.  I've lost almost eighty pounds in two years, with more slated to come off as my exercise routine gets better, and stronger (and it is... more about that in a minute).  My three-year waiting period for the house ends in a week (you know, the 8k tax credit - I have to live here for three years in order not to have to pay that back to the government.  Once it ends, I can move and I don't owe anyone anything), so... if I want to move, I can (not that we're planning on it soon, but you know).

The only sour note is that I'm way behind in my finances.  I was hoping to have a lot more paid off than this.  Unfortunately, the bullshit with the legal case totally derailed that - but I'll eventually catch up.  I'm still not sure if I'm going to graduate school yet - it depends on the economy and whether sequestration will continue, etc.  So far, it doesn't look good - no one's even mentioned it coming to an end.  It may never come to an end, at this rate.

So that's up in the air.  But everything else, so far, is on track.

I was in the gym today, working out, and I was really getting into the routine - feeling the sweat pouring down my face and my body, which is normally a pretty icky feeling to me (and it's one of the reasons that I dislike working out, to be honest).  Today, though, I was reveling in it for some reason - then I started to notice that I would feel a little "nudge" in my legs - it was the feel of the excess fat/skin/whatever rubbing up against my leg.  It wasn't a lot (just so you all don't get grossed out, you know), but it was enough to motivate me to work out even harder.  It was like, "oh my God, you're nasty, go AWAY."  Know what I mean?

Suddenly, with each step I took, with each rotation on that elliptical, it was like I was saying "fuck you" to everyone who had ever told me that I was worthless, grotesque, ugly.  It was a constant "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you."  (Yes, I'm actually kind of laughing thinking about that.)  But it was incredible.  I worked out so hard today, almost 700 calories burned in one session, which for me is insane.

Yes, I'm a beginner.  But for some reason... I think this time it's going to stick.  There was a time where I did it to make an impression on others - this time, this shit is for me, because I don't have anyone I need to impress.  My husband loves me whether I'm obese or not - he's proven that.

This time, it's for me.  This time, I'm saying "fuck you" to the ones that never believed in me.

The music helps.  I've been working on my mp3 collection (yes, again, I'm so freaking obsessive, that's NEVER changed about me), so I've had to use Slacker Radio for workouts.  Oddly, they've come up with stuff I never knew about and that I'm seriously digging.  The song below is one of my newer favorites:



I marvel at how far I've truly come.

I wonder sometimes, only sometimes, what those who put me down before would think of me now.  I wonder sometimes if I'm strong enough to confront those that have tried so hard to see me in the ground, either figuratively or literally.  But, to be honest... that wondering only extends to what I would do if I saw them again.  I'm vindictive enough to laugh in their faces.

Anger is a powerful, powerful motivator.  But...  in the end, you know what?  It's only useful when it helps me.  I don't think about it beyond that.

I think I'm going off into a tangent now, so I'm going to stop here.  But... my life is good.  It's getting better.  It's going to keep getting better.

:)

Don't cross me. I have minions. (A bit rambly, and certainly may qualify as venty, too.)

I didn't feel much like doing the Saturday 9 this week, but then my entire mood has been just weird and... I guess a little "off", I suppose.  I still have my times where things just don't sit well with me, and this was one of them.  I've actually been upset over the smallest shit today, and that's bothered me immensely.  For example:  Greg and I made a grocery order online (something we usually do, though neither of us like it) on Friday night, and we'd ordered a pound of white button mushrooms.  Simple enough, right?

So, the order came, and I swear to fucking God, there was a bag with ONE.  MUSHROOM.  IN.  IT.  One.  A tiny little solitary white button mushroom.  We checked the receipt... and they actually charged us 28 cents for this one sad fucking little mushroom.  It's enough to make anyone laugh their asses off, me included - usually.

No.  I fucking lost it because Safeway had the nerve to actually bag up ONE mushroom.  And charge me for it.  I was literally upset for hours over this - like I said, the stupidest shit on the planet.  Why did I do that?

Bless Greg for putting up with me.  I don't know how he does it, I swear.  And I honestly don't know why I felt like that, but.... it's stupid little shit like this that's made me feel tired and rundown and sad all day.  Depressed, actually.  I don't know whether it's because all of what I'm going through at work is dragging me down, or financial worries, or what.  I have no clue.  All that I know is that I'm so tired of being strong for everyone else's sake.  And I know I have to let go of that stupidity, because I've carried the weight for so freaking long that it's broken my shoulders.  Isn't that how I got depression in the first place?

I find that I still have so many issues concerning independence and needing help and allowing others to assist me.  I have no idea of what I'm going to do when I get too old to do things on my own - I'm so freaking proud and stubborn, and I know it.  Sigh....

As usual, when I'm feeling like this, I have a yearning to go backward in time... to see how people from my past are doing.  Whether they "miss" me or not, I guess.  Whether they think about me.  Which is silly, actually, because I'm pretty sure that they couldn't give a rat's ass.  But, still... it's a compulsion that I have a hard time breaking, and when I'm in moods like this, it's magnified a hundred times over, usually with bad results.  Tonight's journey wasn't actually so bad.  I'm feeling less and less hurt as time rolls on, which I guess is a good thing - though I cry when I find out new information, sometimes.  Like... tonight, I found out that one of my favorite cats that I'd loved so much in the trash shack in Georgia is dead.  I don't know when it happened - but it happened before March of 2010, because that's the date on the picture and it says "the late ".... sigh.  I loved that boy like he was my very own - he was the sweetest one of the bunch that I tried to take care of.  He comforted me when my Pearl died in that hellhole.... and now I know he's gone.  And THAT hurts.  He wasn't even eight years old yet, I know that for a fact, because I moved into that horror house in March of 2002 and he was literally weeks old then.  

Of course he didn't make it to 8 years old.  Would you, if you were forced to live amongst filth and decay?

I feel so fucking guilty that I couldn't save him - any of them.  That's what happens when you live with a hoarder.  That's what happens when you try to have a normal life with a person who isn't normal.  I mean, let's face it - I'm a slob, I'm Oscar in the fucking Odd Couple - but I'm not a hoarder.  I know when to throw shit away.  I know better than to have 22 cats and 4 fucking dogs and not be able to take care of any of them.  I know when something needs fixing in my house and I don't use a slop bucket to fill up my toilet tanks when I need to take a shit.

Oh, Christ, I don't even want to go into this right now.  I WILL start crying and I'll go into a downward spiral for the rest of the weekend.  That I DON'T need.  I'm not ready to confront all of that.  Not yet.  Not now.

Tonight, though, I'm grateful that I've removed certain people from my life.  I'm grateful that I have the knowledge that I will never go back to those times, nor do I want to.  I see tons of people on my Facebook "friend suggestions", people that I knew, people that my friends know... but I don't add anybody.  I don't want to, honestly.  I have all of the "friends" on there that I need or want, and if someone wants to get in touch with me, they know how to find me.  If they don't make an effort... they don't really want to know what's going on in my life, then, do they?

Those kinds of "friends", I don't need.

I find that I am enjoying simplicity.  I have my job.  I have Greg in my life, and we live pretty quietly, simply - we don't need or want a lot of things.  I have friends that I can turn to in the rare event that I need advice.  I have a home to live in, food to eat, clothes on my back.  We occasionally go out for a movie, bowling, walks;  nothing complicated.  The anger that I have held inside of me for so long is beginning to dissipate.  I no longer seek out drama, or even welcome it in others.

Maybe I'm starting to grow old at last - but I'm at the point now where I just want a quiet life and my ways are my ways.  I've never dealt well with change as a rule, anyhow.

The sun is setting on the first half of my life.  I'm okay with that, finally.  I'll be 40 in less than 3 months now, 90 short days - and I'm okay with that as well.  I've seen enough "action" (which really translates to pain, when you think about it) for a lifetime.  Now I just want my life settled, quiet, happy.  I think I'm well on the way to that.  Things didn't turn out the way that I'd expected, maybe - but it's all right.  Everything for a reason, yes?

I am considerably "calmer" now than when I started writing this post, all in the space of 20 short minutes.  I guess that writing it all out does tend to help with my confuzzled state of mind, heh.  Still... I dislike it when I lapse into old patterns of thinking.  I need to watch that, still, I think.

One day at a time.  (La, dah-dah-dah.  Score if you know to what I refer, heh.  :p )

Until then.

Attention, Baltimore thugs: you didn't break me. Sorry.

I have to work this quarter's Saturday shift tomorrow, so I ended up with today off, which was actually a bonus for me. It allowed me to get some things done that I might not have otherwise. A lot of the mess that was in the house before the break-in has been cleared away/fixed, and as a result, my anxiety levels have plummeted.

I've temporarily hung up a colorful tapestry over the damaged wall where the television was, and I actually like the look of it so much that I just may leave it there permanently. I'm reconsidering even replacing the TV at all, to be honest - it was indeed an idiot box, just hanging there, wasting a lot of my valuable time where I could have been doing other things. Like, say, cleaning. Or actually eating breakfast in the morning, fixing my hair to go to work, that sort of thing.

I'm aware that the last sentence in particular sounded really awful, but I can't lie - all of it is true. I'd neglect simple things like taking care of myself (by eating a necessary meal) or trying to make myself look at least a little better (fixing my hair) because I'd sit on my sofa and just stare into nothingness, trying to fool myself into believing that I needed that time just to "wake up". But it's bullshit, you know. I was awake. Just not... "there". Does that make sense?

It's not as if I ever really "watched" the damned thing, anyhow. It was background noise to try and blot out the fact that if I don't make sound in here, it's utterly silent and desolate. Or is it? It's only desolate if I choose it to be so.

The only thing that truly hurt, I think, was the loss of my computer equipment - partially because I'd just purchased it and it was like throwing 800 dollars out the window, but also because what little entertainment I do choose to watch, most of it is on my computer (be it in the form of movies or TV shows on DVD or something similar). Other than that - screw it, what do I care, the thugs can keep all that shit. Really!

I've changed over most of my accounts now, but there seems to be very little fallout from the break-in itself, which is good news. The two computers that they'd taken (yes, they managed to steal both my new one and the broken one, sheesh), I don't think they're going to get very far. The new one had a fingerprint recognition feature on it that makes trying to access it useless, and the broken one's battery was dead and they neglected to take the charger to fire it up. Dumbasses. Still, I canceled my accounts and set up new ones, just to be safe. It's a good thing that the broken one's battery WAS dead, because that one literally had nearly all of my financial information on it. Lesson learned - I'll never do THAT again. It's back to paper and pencil for me when it comes to my finances.

I've actually learned a LOT of lessons from this incident. I've been way too lax with my own security for a good portion of my life - perhaps because I had the false sense of feeling "invincible". After all, this has never happened to me before; why would I ever think about such things? It's been hit home to me that I do, indeed, need to think about it. I'm a single woman living alone in Baltimore City; while the area of town I live in isn't a "slum", it's on the edge of one where there's still a huge amount of drug activity and crime. I should have thought about this a long time ago. But it's not too late to start now, and I've done exactly that.

I had a security system installed this week, and I'm planning on installing security doors for both the front and back of the house. I'm also considering motion detectors for the backyard, the side of the house, and even bars on the back windows (though I really don't want to go that far - I don't want to feel as if I live in a prison - but it may be necessary). I've also changed some personal habits in that I now shut the blinds at all times unless I'm physically in the room, as well as leaving some lights on at night, and turning different ones on and off. And as soon as I can pick up the old desktop computer that my mother offered me, I'm going to begin scanning personal financial documents and shredding all of the old paper copies. The scans will go on a portable hard drive that will probably be locked up in a personal safe (that of course will be bolted to the floor to prevent anyone from taking THAT).

Too much, you say? Yeah, it might be. I may not go THIS far, but I do think that some of the above ideas are good ones. I have to work with one thing at a time, of course, because I'm facing down some pretty expensive stuff in the next few weeks. My credit card bill has already swelled past the comfort level because of having to replace the computer and get the alarm system installed. Sigh.

But if it means I'll be safe in my own house, so be it.

The one thing that keeps running through my mind, though, is that I'm thankful that I'm alive and that I didn't walk in on these assholes that did this. Because I live in a city where someone will shoot you in the head for a pair of 60 dollar Nike tennis shoes. And, yet, I still love my little house in the city. I still enjoy being here. No one with a drug addiction - or for that matter, any issue - is going to take that away from me.

I've taken my house back. Now I'm taking my life back.

Slowly getting my life back in order.

The alarm system has been installed, and don't think for one second that I don't feel better about it. There's some residual fear, of course; no doubt that I'll be trying to hide my electronics for a while - but for the most part, I don't feel crawly and disgusting when I walk through my own house. Some things will be hard to deal with (I can't get over the fact that these douches had their filthy, thieving hands all over my clothes), but in time that'll fade away. At least, I hope so.

Things are somewhat of a mess. I need to call a few people (my doctor, for one, he's probably worried out of his mind by now), and I may have trouble paying my bills for a while because everything's on lockdown, sigh. I just need to take things one step at a time, I guess.

Next thing on the list are security doors for the front and back of the house. I'm not playing with the drug-added assholes of this city. They're going to leave my shit alone if I have to have a fucking pit bull on guard outside, alarms everywhere, a motion light detector outside of my house and in the fucking street. I work too Goddamned hard for my things and I'll be damned if some jerkoff is just going to walk the fuck on in here and take it because they feel like it.

Heh. Yep, it's the anger stage. Way better than fear any day.

I'll be just fine once I get back to work, which I'm planning on doing tomorrow. I'm not going to let this rule my life. It's time to kick ass.

Peace.

I've been sorely tested as of late.

As most of you who keep up with my life in any way know by now, my house was broken into on Saturday night while I was out for a rare social event, and my television was stolen, along with a few choice electronic items (including the brand new computer that I'd just bought not even 30 days ago). To say that I feel violated doesn't even begin to cover it, and I've spent the last 48 hours contacting banks, credit card companies, and spending a country fortune replacing computers, electronic equipment, and installing a security system in this house - for I'll be damned if I ever let this happen again.

I've not been to work today, and won't be going tomorrow, either - I have to wait for the security people, as well as go to the banks and reopen accounts under new numbers, etc. A major hassle, and I have no idea of how I'll be able to pay my bills on time, which of course adds another layer of inconvenience.

However... this situation has taught me so very much. It's taught me that I can handle even a horrible event like this. And that I have so much more support and friendship than I ever dreamed I did. People have been calling me, asking after me, offering to help, leaving messages of support for me. In my darkest days of depression, I never would have believed that people cared about me.. and yet, the last 48 hours have taught me better. Even my family has stepped up to the plate for me in ways that I never believed possible.

It's comforted me. I feel afraid and violated... but also that much stronger.

A couple of thugs took my electronics. But in a way, they gave me insight and the realization that people really do love me.

In that, maybe I came out ahead after all.

Quiet, unproductive, but relaxing weekend.

Other than getting caught in the massive rainstorm we had on Saturday, it's been rather uneventful around here at casa Ray, which is okay by me. I finally got around to finishing my taxes, though it'll be weeks before I get the money back. Unfortunately, a rather severe miscalculation has rendered my refund about a thousand dollars less than expected. It doesn't bother me, but my mother insisted (and I do mean insisted) that I cancel her cruise. Which I did. Reluctantly. But she's already told me that she'd rather have a new refrigerator, a new air conditioner, an electric fireplace, etc. And since she'd been on that particular cruise before, I tend to believe her, though I still felt like shit when I talked to the Royal Caribbean rep.

She said that she was more than touched that I even offered, and was willing to spend that much money to do it. Eh, well... I wanted to, there's nothing really to be touched about, you know?

Though, I guess that I should take the compliment and not just throw it aside like I usually do, huh?

Haven't done much this weekend. I cleaned the cat's tray, scrubbed out the food and water dishes, did a little minor tidying up - but nothing heavy-duty. That comes next weekend, as I'm going to run through here and do 'spring cleaning' - not that there's much messed up. But you know what I mean.

I lead such an exciting life, heh. I honestly needed a little time to just kind of chill out, relax, enjoy my home and being on my own for a while, though. It's little things like this that reaffirm in my mind that I want to keep on going through life, you know?

Rambling. But I'm going to bed in a few minutes, so it's probably tiredness. Hopefully I'll have a good week.

Until next time.

Tonight, I am grateful.

Despite how it may look to most readers of this lovely little tome of mine, I do contemplate on heavier social and political matters from time to time. Nowhere was that more evident than tonight; if you keep up with the news, there was a real and serious threat of a government shutdown, which of course means that my job would be directly affected. Until approximately an hour ago, I was prepared to come to work on Monday morning and perform my duties, as difficult as they are, for no compensation. (I would have gotten paid eventually, considering that I am an "essential" employee - but my paychecks still wouldn't have been on time, disrupting my financial plans and so much more.) Luckily... I have been saved at the eleventh hour tonight, as the worthless idiots that make up our Congress have stopped bickering like whiny five year olds in the sandbox and have come up with a compromise.

Tonight, I am grateful that my job has been saved.

Tonight, I am grateful that I will continue to pay my mortgage, on time and in full.

Tonight, I am grateful that I am able to turn on my heat to combat the slight chill in the air. I am grateful that I will be warm and safe in my comfortable bed.

Tonight, I am grateful that I will eat another meal, and not worry about where it's coming from.

It's things like this averted shutdown that have made me realize just how very lucky I have it. Yeah, I suffer from mental illness. I suffer from avoidant personality disorder and my social life is in shambles. My track record with relationships sucks ass.

But I could have it so, so much worse.

Tonight.... I am TRULY grateful for everything I have.

Now leaving the Twilight Zone....

I've been busy over the last week. As I've probably mentioned a few times on my social networking accounts and elsewhere, I've received my bed, it's set up, and I've been sleeping like a fiend all week long. Ever since, though, I've been doing more around this house than I have in the last 10 months combined - probably because I really don't have any more excuses to put it off, but also because the bed just looks so damned good set up and it's starting to tie together, if you will. There's finally things on the walls, though I still don't have nearly enough, and I'm beginning to get down to the business of taking stock, figuring out what I need, etc.

I know that I should have been doing this - hell, I should have finished this over six months ago. Better late than never, I guess.

Today has been a day of thinking for me. There's something on my mind that's been weighing heavily for a very long time, something that is finally beginning to release its once very, VERY powerful hold on me. I wish that I could begin talking about it, but it's still something that 1. remains quite painful in a lot of respects and 2. is quite recent and therefore fresh, something that I've not fully dealt with yet. It's not earth-shattering, trust me, but the situation more or less ruled my entire life for the last few years. Even a few months ago, I wasn't able to deal very well with it. Certain things that have been tied to this situation still hurt, like some music... some places... watching certain things. I'm beginning to take some of these things back, one piece at a time. But... it's beginning to fade away into the background. I know that I'm being vague about this, and I don't mean to be, but it's... still not something I can discuss yet. I will, one day, when I feel safe.

Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't feel at all sad about it. Sure, one of these days I'd love to be in a good relationship with someone - but until that day comes, I'm not going to lament over it. For the first time in my life, I am OKAY with being single. My life is finally my own, and I have no one to answer to. If I want to be honest with myself, I'm not really sure I want to give that much of myself away to someone. With very few exceptions, I've always been hurt when I've done that, and I won't risk being hurt like that again.

It'll have to be someone that's beyond, beyond, BEYOND special for me to give away even a small piece of my heart again. And we all know how rare that is.

The person that I had been exchanging Emails with back in October recently wrote me after a 4 month absence, saying that "he'd been thinking about me". That's nice, I guess, though my enthusiasm is dampened by the fact that he didn't bother to write me back - for 4 months. Somehow this isn't a compliment, I'm thinking. I gave him a response, but it's not likely I'm going to forget the lapse. Maybe that's harsh, but I'm just extremely cautious about who I'm going to let into "the inner circle". AvPD at work again, go figure.

Things are okay, otherwise. Work is still a huge pain in the ass, though it's starting to settle down once again (unless it's ME, which it could very well be - I've not been in a real great mood this week, but then that was obvious from my last post). I have to do another Saturday shift tomorrow, the second in two weeks, but then they'll leave me alone until May - just in time for school starting up again. I need to get on that, actually, because I have to decide what classes are next. I'm going to try three courses this semester instead of two - probably not the best of ideas, but I need to get jump-started on this degree. I don't want to still be in school 10 years from now. Or be in hock for yet more school loans. I'm already up over 10 grand in school loans - ugh, I saw that and I nearly cried, sigh.

It is what it is. It'll be worth it.

More later.

One more step away from the sofa!

I've had the last four days off of work, though I've not really accomplished much around here. I did finally buy a bed, though, which is a definite step forward. I didn't get the bed that I really wanted, which was a nice TempurPedic (at nearly four thousand dollars, heh) - I did some thinking, then more thinking, then realized that it was a bit too lofty for my budget and "settled" for actually using the old mattress with a platform bed. It'll do. My body's not in THAT bad of a shape that I need a Tempur, at least not right away. The platform bed cost 400 dollars and I can still use my old mattress, which - if I want to be honest with myself - still has a lot of "life" left in it, as I only bought it in 2006. A lot of the reason why I wanted to get rid of the old mattress has to do with bad memories attached to it, but... well, if I allow myself to do that, I let whatever drives those bad memories win. Which I'm just not about to do.

Besides, I'll admit it - I'm also stingy enough with money to not want to spend 9 times that amount on anything, much less a bed, heh.



So that's the one I picked. I hope it looks as good upstairs as it does in the picture. Now I can work on buying rugs, furniture, other things for the house - perhaps I can finally make this place look like a real home instead of a hostel I just stay in.

I just wish I didn't have to spend money to do it. I just got out of debt - now I have to go right back in, sigh.

But it's worth it. Isn't it?

A pragmatic ending and a hopeful beginning.

So, here we are again; it's the annual "end of the year" post where I refuse to recap the past 12 months and insist that you go look it all up in the previous entries. :p

I think that I'm going to take a different stance on things this year, though, in that for once, I have a lot of things to talk about. I've been very loquacious these past two weeks - more so than I have been in the last two years. I'm talking, sharing, relating with people. It's a strange, heady feeling, but it's also not feeling false or forced. It used to be that I'd make an attempt at being sociable, and afterwards I would feel horrible, as if I'd talked too much or sounded tinny and false; which in retrospect, probably wasn't far off the mark. But I'm actually feeling pretty well today. Today is one of my "good days", I guess you could say.


So I'll just do a quick recap of the past year, through my eyes, which have been blinded for a good portion of the time... but the cobwebs are truly beginning to clear.

The best part of the year for me was easily buying this house back in April. This was the best move I have ever made for myself, bar none. I don't think that anything can compare to the knowledge that I have that this house is mine, that I will never be forced to move on because of circumstance or because I wasn't wanted somewhere. I still have a long way to go as far as getting the things that I need... but for the first time in... what may be forever.... I now feel that I have a real home.

Other highlights of the year include my finding my therapist, who has helped me more than I can ever say. I have come forward in great strides since August, when I began seeing him on a regular basis, and have knocked down some impenetrable walls since - all without drugs or being locked up. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for this, believe me, but I'm taking the tools that I'm slowly learning and using them for my good, and in the end for others' good as well.

I've learned that in order to love other people, I need to love myself first and foremost. I've learned that maybe being ethical isn't a bad thing. I've learned that perhaps honesty is the way to go, and I've learned that other peoples' shortcomings aren't necessarily my own. Last night, I had a long, good talk with a friend who has been through hell and back with me and this illness... I mean, I have seriously put him through the wringer with this shit. I told him that I've learned that I am the sum of my experiences - one bad experience does not make my whole life, nor does it make me as a complete person. I've learned that while there are bad things in one's life, and even whole blocks of bad times, there's also some good times and experiences in almost everything one does.

And I've learned that my family's mistakes aren't mine. I've learned that even though I've been abused, I can rise above it - that indeed, it is my duty to rise above it and make something out of myself. And I think I've begun that process. There's always more I can do, and more work to be done. But 2011 will be a part of that work, and if there's anything I've learned from this depression, it's that self-improvement can never harm, and always helps.

Pretty heavy stuff, huh? :)

Now... the worst part of the year, well. I'll be straight with you on this - in some ways, the worst part of the year actually turned me around and began the real job of healing. If you go back to late September, where I'd said that something horrible had happened to me and that I couldn't discuss it.... that is the worst part of the year for me. I will reveal that incident now - basically, I'd had a date with someone I'd met online, and it ended up that I was more or less raped. It wasn't a violent incident, but.... the details really don't matter, because when someone says no, no matter what part of the buildup you're in - if they don't stop, it's rape. And that's what it turned out to be.

I'll be frank with you. I considered suicide. I wanted to die. I was very, very close to taking a butcher knife out of the kitchen and driving it into my chest. I was violated, humiliated, thought that death was the only escape from all of the misery and depression symptoms. I couldn't cope. And I didn't tell anyone about it, because.... what could I really say? It was that old self-validation kicking in, the sense that I needed this asshole's approval to feel good about myself. Isn't that terrible?

But, you see... after that weekend, where I lay on my sofa, dry-eyed and burning with hate... that's when it all started to turn around for me. I had that choice in my hands... life or death. That knife in my hands would determine the course of my fate. And quite honestly, that was one heavy, heavy choice. To know that I had the power to end it all.... or to fight the disgust, anger, depression, the effects of the abuse that I've endured throughout my life. Was I really worth nothing more than peoples' scorn and abuse? Or was it up to me to make myself worth more?

Ever since that day, I have had a steel determination to never, never, ever let someone abuse me again - in any way, shape or form. The minute that boundaries are crossed, I cut them loose, and I don't allow anyone to take more than I'm willing to give them. I no longer accept being treated like a second-class citizen, from anybody or anything. If people don't like me, that's just too bad - they have a choice to not be around me, just like I have a choice not to be treated like garbage.

I'm not second-best. I'm not someone's option, I am a goddamn PRIORITY, and I will be treated like one!

So... that was the worst part of it for me. The cruise in September just before that wasn't nearly as awful, but it wasn't a huge success, either. I just don't think that cruising is the type of vacation I enjoy, and I probably won't go again. Otherwise, it's been kind of a quiet year, and one filled with self-discoveries and learning, some good and some bad.

Now, for the predictions of 2011. I don't do resolutions, you see, as calling them 'resolutions' is a sure way of making them not happen, heh.

Career: I think it's going to continue to be full of changes and improvements. If I receive another promotion next year, I'll be elevated to a GS-6, which isn't much more in the pay scale, but it's a huge step as far as levels are concerned. I am more or less satisfied with the job for the present time, though I need to start thinking about ramping up the skill set and maybe updating a few of my abilities.

Health, Mental: I seriously feel that I'm going to continue to improve on this front. I have never felt better than in the last 2 weeks. Yes, I continue to have some spells, but they're much shorter in duration and come during fragile times of the year such as the holidays or my birthday. Therapy continues. We shall see.

Health, Physical: I haven't been able to concentrate on this front in 2010, and I have unfortunately begun to see some deterioration in my body because of it. I still do not have the inherited family difficulties yet (varicose veins, respiratory issues, circulation problems), but they're slowly coming. I have had some disturbing physical symptoms appear due to my weight, which I am making a huge priority to do something about this year. I am considering doing a separate blog for this issue alone (which I shall surely share when the time is right). This isn't a resolution, okay; this is an issue that I am taking VERY seriously. I will be much healthier physically by this time next year, or there will be a damned good reason why, which in that case, I will seriously put the option of bariatric surgery on the table. I'm done with looking and feeling like a pile of crap. If I can work to heal my mind and be rid of this depression - I can lose this fucking weight.

I ask for everyone's support for this, because if I do have surgery, it will be a lifetime change that I will have to deal with, and it's very frightening.

Social Life/Relationships: No progress on this front in 2010. The last two weeks of this year have been a little abnormal, but it's because I'm feeling pretty well. Otherwise, there has been little to no change. I am not concerned about it, as I have repeatedly stated that I'm not ready for it. For 2011, I predict that there still won't be a lot of changes, though I think it'll get slightly easier. Time will tell.

Financial: I end 2010 in excellent financial shape. I'm hoping to have a lot more in savings and investments in 2011, though I'll always have a little bit of a shopping bug, probably more so than usual now because of the house. I'm not going to hesitate in treating myself to things, though, should I want something.

....and that's it. That's really all that I wanted to say tonight. Basically, I'm not unhappy to see 2010 depart, but at the same time, I feel that it was a year of transition for me, from desperately ill to recovering. Hopefully by this time in 2011, I can finally report that I'm doing much better. :)

This is the song that, for me, sums up how I feel 2011 will be. I hope that it is!



Happy New Year to all. May it be everything that you want it to be.

Just a few things on my mind, most of them good.

As always, most of the "good things" that happen to me may not really seem like much - but to me, it's very significant. :D

There was a time where I was very, very paranoid. I seriously thought that people were talking bad things about me behind my back, and when people removed me from "friend lists" or did something that left me out of their circle - whether deliberate or not - I became, in a word, hysterical. Because of that paranoia, you see. That was a big part of the depression for me, and it damaged much more than I can ever relate. Anyhow, getting back to the original train of thought... I went on a website today that I hadn't been to in a while, and noticed that a particular person wasn't on my friends list there anymore.

I know - bigfuckingdeal, right? Only back then, it would have been. I would have dissolved into tears when I saw that name missing from the list. Yes, I admit it - I was that aware of what was happening on social and other networks, that I'd notice that one person had removed me, and I would seriously take that as a personal affront. That's why Facebook, at first, was so difficult for me, because I'd notice that people I'd gotten into contact with would drop me for whatever reason they had, and - boom - instant paranoia.

Today? At first I felt that old, wild paranoia trying to come up - and trying. And trying. But it just... wasn't there. I stared at that screen and I just thought to myself, "Oh, well. Whatever." Within five minutes, I'd just shrugged it off. Within fifteen minutes, I wasn't even thinking any more about it. I'm only thinking about it right now because I marvel at how far I've come since those days, even if it's just a short amount of time.

This, to me, is proof positive that if I'm not recovered from my depression, I am well on the way toward handling it, toward dealing with it, toward living with it. I am healing. I am stepping forward into a new world, a new existence... a new life.

I am learning, bit by bit, to love myself.

I received some items that I'd ordered today - nothing more than sheets and towels from Macy's - but they came in the biggest box I'd ever seen, so after unpacking the goods, I put all of the boxes in the Macy's box for recycling. Then I looked around and realized that nearly all of the boxes in the living room are gone. The house is beginning to look like a home, instead of my possessions just scattered about. And I look around in this house of mine, with my things around me, and I just feel warm inside. This is my house, my things, my life. No one will ever tell me what to do in these four walls. What it does for my self-esteem, you cannot imagine.

Like I said, these are little things to most, but large-scale to me.

I am healing! :D

Starting to wind down.

The end of the year is fast approaching, and I've actually been ruminating over my annual "how did I do this year" post a bit early. Oh, I'm not going to do it right now, obviously. But I find it striking that I'm actually thinking about it this soon. I suspect that I'm very eager to "shut the books", if you will, and get on with this business of living for myself in '11. Some might say that this is a positive thing, my looking ahead, and I tend to concur that it is. I'm definitely in a much better place than I have been in some time.

My tenure with urine is about to come to an end, starting on January 3rd. All of the female testers will move to another unit - however, I shall not be going with them, at least that's what I'm hearing. The plan is that I shall stay at my current unit and do strictly computer work. To be honest, I'm not at all sorry about it. I've dealt with enough piss to fill a small lake over the years, and there are times where the women are so much more worse than the men, both in attitude and in personal hygiene. It's not all going to be peaches and cream, though: I still have to deal with the males while on the computer, and they tend to be nasty as well, but I won't have to deal with their body fluids - I can't ask for more than that. I'm hoping and praying that these next two weeks will go speedily.

The semester, for me, is over. I have exams this upcoming Wednesday. As usual, I'm not really feeling anxiety over them, though to be honest I haven't studied. I'm really weird about classes - I'll agonize over the actual work, but when it comes to taking tests, I don't feel much nervousness. I guess that's because I figure that I'll either know the material by then, or I won't. Not much to beat myself up over, I suppose. Anyhow, I'm profoundly relieved, because this past semester was difficult in a lot of respects. I have about six months off now, though, or at least until May, so I could definitely use the rest. I plan on getting this house together now that I've received my tax credit, spend a little time getting my life back together again.

I've decided not to go to New York for the new year, at least not this time - the reason being that I made my decision a little too late. I really need time to plan this out, not just go on the spur of the moment - especially with the terrorism threat level being so high right now. There's going to be more security up there than Fort Knox, and I'm not prepared to deal with it. I was thinking about going up on the night train, but from what I hear, Times Square is full by 4pm, and I'm not prepared to stand out in the freezing cold for 8 hours without getting things together. So I'm going to skip it this time, maybe I'll go next year. Or maybe for Thanksgiving, as I've always wanted to see the Macy's parade in person. I'll have to actually remember to mark it down, though, as I tend to forget until the holidays roll around again. Then I sit on my sofa that morning and say to myself, "Y'know, I think I'll do this... if I can remember." Hah. My mind's like a sieve, bleh.

I do plan on traveling a little more next year, even if it is just on the spur of the moment. Hop a train to New York and go shopping for the day, etc. I really need to start doing these things!

I've lost 4.2 pounds. I know, not a huge deal, but it is for me. I'm actively trying to lose weight now - that's yet another of my goals for '11. I'm not going to call these things "resolutions", because the minute I do that, I know it'll go by the wayside, and this is just too important to me, enough so that I'm honestly trying to do something about it instead of talking about it. Maybe I'll report on this week by week - that way I'll have some kind of a record and some kind of accountability to myself. Though I'm not going to put my starting weight. Oh, hell, no. Maybe if I ever get to where I want to be, I'll share that with you all so that your mouths will drop and you'll go "ZOMG we're so proud of you". Wouldn't that be something? :p

I'm a talkative soul this morning, but I have to run. I'm heading to Lowe's today to pick up some necessities for the house, like a ladder, a snow shovel, shit I'm going to need this winter. Just realized that if there's a blizzard this year, I have to clean off the entire corner. Sucks to be me. Meh.

Well, not really. :D

Peace, out.

Happy thoughts.

The school semester is beginning to wind down, which for me is a profound relief. If there's one thing that I've learned from the past couple of months, it's not to take a biology course in tandem with a web design course. Ugh - what a pain in the ass it's been. I really don't know how well I'm going to do in either of these courses. I think I'll be all right with the biology, but the web design is touchy. It doesn't really matter, of course, as it's not required to obtain my degree. But I hate to think that I've wasted any time (as well as money, ugh). It has sparked a bit of an interest in CSS, though, and I may apply what I've learned toward redoing the entire design of this blog. I'd like to work on that, piecemeal, as I can. But I'll have to fit that in along with everything else I've been trying to do. It's been exhausting, to say the least.

I haven't been sleeping very well this week, not since Thanksgiving Day. It's not because of any underlying health problem or because I'm depressed - that's not it. I think it's just a matter of being totally thrown off schedule. It's funny, but you never realize how structured your life is (or can be) until your routine is completely interrupted. I've discovered that I rather like routine, something that shocks me, because I never really thought that was true about myself. I've made a lot of self-discoveries, though, in the last year, and I suspect that I'm on the brink of a lot more.

My tax credit money showed up this week. Lots to do now, I think. I'm paying off most, if not all, of my credit card bills with it, and now I can start with a clean slate - by Monday at the latest (I'm headed to the bank tomorrow, but they'll need a day or two to process everything). Then my creditors will be in for a rude shock, because I'm paying off the entire bill - they can suck it. The only bills I want now are my mortgage, my school loans, and the bill for the TempurPedic bed that I'm going to get (and yes, I'm going to have to finance that, we're looking at thousands of dollars - but it's worth it if I can sleep decently). Indeed, possibilities have now opened up far and wide. I'm looking forward to it, because now I can begin what's left of the rest of my life.

It's a little frightening to think about how far I've come in the last 2 years - never mind in the last 5. I really try not to stress over it, though, because as we know, stress is my enemy.

I'm doing a lot better, a HELL of a lot better, now than I was this time last year, in almost every way possible. The holidays are actually not affecting me, not the way that they did, anyhow. If I were to go away for a short trip this year I think I would actually be able to handle it mentally, but I believe I'll be staying home and just enjoying the quiet and the solitude. I was even thinking about buying some holiday decorations for the house - garland for the railing, candles in the windows, that sort of thing. Probably too late to do it now, but once everything goes on sale after Christmas, I may consider it. This is a far, far cry from sitting on a beach in Ocean City and thinking about doing myself in. This is progress!

Still, I'm cautious. I've said this so many times before. I've gotten my hopes up, only to have them not dashed, but steamrolled. But I'm staying as positive as I can.

I'd like to know when the epiphany happened, though. Or exactly what switch flipped inside of my head so that I'm no longer the sick, broken person I used to be. Because I'd destroy that switch so that it could never, ever flip back.

Ah, I'm rambling at this point and I need to open up the lab in a few minutes. But I wanted to just share my good feelings this morning, as it's relatively rare and I know that those of you who still bother to read this thing enjoy them so.

More later.

Starting to feel the exhaustion.

It's strange, but I find that when the depression was much worse than it is now, I actually had a better grip on things as far as school and work and juggling schedules were concerned. Now that I'm not feeling as badly anymore, it's all starting to crash down onto my shoulders. I have been so freaking tired lately, and I can't figure out why. My grades are definitely starting to slip - I received a C on my last biology paper, which for me is not usual. But what I've noticed is that I'm actually beginning not to stress over a low grade - Jesus, who cares when I can barely hold my head up at the end of a workday?

Lots of bad news coming from that quarter, by the way. No, my job is fine - trust me, as long as there's drugs in the nation's capital I will always have a job, heh - but I'm losing a couple of key benefits at the end of the year, mainly the cost of living increase (it's been frozen for the next two years - I'm sure you've heard about it by now, and if you haven't, go here) and the reduction of my transit benefit. The pay freeze doesn't really bother me, to be honest - I'm willing as a federal worker to do my part and it's not like I'm missing it, anyway. But I am upset about my transit benefit, because the cost of my ticket is going to double - and that's an expense I can ill afford right now. Unfortunately, there's really nothing I can do but roll with it and try to make things work. Methinks it may be time to sell off a few things again.

And people think the Federal government pays so well. Hah! If only they knew!

Tuesday again. Coming off of a double shift from last night. How the fuck do I manage to keep going? Seriously, just...how? I am exhausted, in more ways than one. I'm counting down the days to December 15th when I can get my stupid exams out of the way and then take OFF from school altogether until June. I can't wait for that. Maybe by then I'll have the tax credit done (so they keep telling me, anyway), pay off these damned bills that are still on my back, finally get this house together after nearly a year of living in stark emptiness. Wouldn't that be nice, right?

Meh. I just want this day over with. I'll deal with the rest later.

Cheers.

Where is the time going?

It seems that I can barely keep up with things these days, but that might be a good omen. As it is, I should be in bed right now, as I have to work tomorrow (instead of shopping like all of the deal-seeking morons on Black Friday) - but I've been perusing the online sales instead. (Hey... I may be a deal-seeking moron, but I have enough sense to do it online.)

There's so much that I need. I don't know where to start. Do I buy things for the kitchen or the bathroom? Or the bedroom? Where do I begin? I have so many ideas and so little money - or time. I don't even know which way my head's spinning at the moment. But I'm not really stressing out too much over it all. I have time. I'm not going anywhere.

I've had a decent Thanksgiving. For once, the holidays aren't getting me down. I've decided to spend New Year's Eve in New York's Times Square. That should be the last place I'd want to go, seeing that it's overcrowded and crazy; but it's something that I really want to see once in my life - and 2011 is going to be all about me. I'm putting myself first.

Anyhow. This is really just a quick update, for now, but I'm planning on writing a bit more when I have time. That is, if I get time, heh.

More later.

So. Life rolls on.

It might seem like a really bad thing to say, but as of late, my life has been more or less quiet and calm, with little to no flareups of the depression or anything close to it. Of course, that's not a bad thing for ME - I'm enjoying this stretch of peace immensely. However, I find that the peace has come at a cost. I pretty much no longer have any kind of social life or connections or obligations. I find myself in the same position that I was in thirteen years ago - alone, isolated, hiding from the world in my little living space. The only difference is that it's a house now, not an apartment.

And yet I'm not unhappy about it. I feel that I need to just stay away from people right now, do my best to heal from all of the stress and abuse and bullshit that I've seen and heard and experienced, and live for myself - something that I don't think I've ever learned how to do. I feel an odd thrill every time I pay my mortgage, or find myself planning a shopping trip - little things that the "normal" take for granted every day, but for me have been a constant struggle. Yes, sometimes I get very lonely - I won't lie. But if that's the price that I have to pay for some sense of order and normalcy, then so be it.

I'm completely turned off of any type of intimacy right now, anyway - physical, emotional, mental. I'm not ready for it, and may honestly never be ready for it. That's okay, right now. I find that it's okay to just not want to deal with humanity on any but the most superficial level at the moment. I need to heal, and to learn to live with myself, in whatever form that might take. That's why the therapy.

The first appointment is on Monday afternoon at 4pm. Would it be strange to say that I'm half looking forward to it, and half dreading it? I'm looking forward to it because I know it's the beginning of what may turn out to be the longest, hardest journey of my life - but I'm dreading it because I know, I know, I KNOW it's going to be full of incredible, paralyzing pain. You see, I've been in therapy, but I've never really told anyone a lot of the things that I've been through - I've never been able to stay with a therapist long enough to delve past the basics. Hopefully, this time will be different. As a matter of fact, my doctor called me personally a few minutes ago to confirm the appointment and said that he was looking forward to meeting me on Monday. None of my previous doctors ever did such a thing - so I consider it a good omen. I'm hoping that this will help me start to heal from all of the crap I've been through in my life, whether it was self-caused or not.

I am so ready to start to live and not just exist.

Work is somewhat a mixed bag - while some good things have happened in the last few days, other things have become irritants that I'm not going to be able to ignore much longer. As usual, it has to do with coworkers being idiots, only I think I've begun to find my voice as far as protesting such behavior is concerned. Where I might have once let my complaints fester unspoken and shred me up inside with stress, instead I've been speaking out and making my opinion known. Somehow I'm just not afraid anymore to say something, perhaps?

One of the possible "good" things is that I may be considered for the "customer service of the year" award - this will be my second year in a row that I've been chosen for it, should I win. Honestly, though? I don't want it. I've been made fun of in sneaky, snide little ways ever since I won it last year, and I don't want the burden of it again. I keep telling myself that everyone who makes snarky little comments is jealous of my achievements - and I know that, deep down. But I've had to deal with jealousy all of my life every time I've managed to do something well or achieve good things. It's funny, but one of my ex-boyfriends (specifically Matt) once said, "You always seem(ed) so afraid to show how smart you really are/were."

Well, no wonder. Wouldn't you be afraid if you knew that people were going to attack you with nasty, back-handed comments when you managed to achieve something positive or "win" a contest of some kind?

Meh. I had so much to say, but as usual it's all gone after a long, exhausting day at work. This week has been absolutely brutal, especially Tuesday. I've found that I need to take a Tylenol PM every now and then in order to sleep without pain. It's just another sign that I'm starting to get old and I'm not going to be in great health in a few years if I keep going the way I am. At one time, I could have cared less, but now... well, I don't know if I still don't care or not, but I want a shot at trying to improve things. At least, today I do, anyway.

Blugh. You all know what I mean. I'm too tired to try and correct myself tonight, heh.

Hmmm.

I know I haven't been around for quite a while. It's been, yet again, another strange week. Things have happened that are a little too painful to talk about right now (i.e, recent negativity), and yet... yesterday and today I've been queerly happy, contented, even somewhat settled. It could be that in letting go of what has been hurting (even as a vague, somewhat nettling ache), I have been rewarded with the feeling of peace.

It could be that I am finally living my life on my terms, without feeling the need to please anyone but myself. True, I may not have much of a "life" right now - I basically eat, sleep, shit, go to work, come home, pet Miss Thang every now and then, do what I feel I am mentally capable of doing that day - but this light, simple routine has made all of the difference. It also could be that I know I'm going back to therapy and therefore my traitorous mind has settled down into a 'normal' pattern - which, of course, will make me look crazy and idiotic to the doctor. Sigh. I don't know, but I'll grab any feeling of peace that I can get right now.

The IRS has sent back a letter demanding more paperwork. Meh. So it's all copied and ready to send down to the post office on Monday morning. Overnight. With registered mail confirmation. I'm done playing with these jerk-offs. Obama promised me eight thousand dollars, and I want it, goddamnit. I want a real bed to sleep on and real dishes to eat off of.

Another semester is done at UMUC. I finished my Spanish exam last night, and am turning in my final crim report tomorrow evening before I go to bed. Then, a month to relax and get it together before the next semester - biology and web design, bleh, but it's seven credits closer to my goal. After this upcoming semester, I'll already be halfway done to a degree. Seems REALLY hard to believe - I feel like I've just started. I may have to start taking three classes at a clip so that I can possibly finish this before I'm too far from 40. It's not like my time is being filled with anything else at the moment, so what the hell.

In the last few days, I've managed to think - clearly - about my plans for the future and what I want out of life. And it's turned out that I actually still have dreams, unbelievably. I'd love to finish this degree, improve this house, I still have some hobbies on the back burner that I'd like to pursue again (tie-dying, beading, that sort of hippie shit, heh). And, of course, I want to travel, all over the world. I'd love to go back to Australia one day, maybe the U.K., South America - I'd love to see the Panama Canal or go to Costa Rica or Ecuador. Maybe that Spanish I took would be good for something, heh. I'm planning a huge blowout for my 40th birthday, some place that's exotic and impossible to get to without a lot of time and preparation, I'm going to do it up. One would think that Australia is exotic and impossible to get to - and it is - but it might be there, it might be South America.... or Antarctica. Shit, how many people have been to Antarctica before? I'd bet not many!

In any case, I'm going to celebrate my 40th, when it comes. I'm going to celebrate the fact that I am alive, and that I've fought all of these demons for so long and I'm still fucking HERE. For today, depression isn't going to get the best of me. Tomorrow, maybe I might not feel that way, but today - it won't. And I think that's the person that I really am, deep beneath all of the sadness and the pain.

One of my closest friends, who understands me better than any person walking, once said that I was steel. He's right.

Finally time to relax a bit.

I'm suffering from a rather nasty head cold, but otherwise I'm taking it as easy as I can. Things are starting to settle down, and although it's still not anywhere close to perfect, it's at least going in the direction I'm wanting, so that's something to be proud of. Classes start on Tuesday (though they've already got the first lesson up online, so I guess you could say that they've started), and for the most part I'm ready, though this Spanish course continues to worry me. I'm hoping that I can pull off a small miracle, heh.

Life is as normal. Things are starting to settle into a routine, though I won't be anywhere near comfortable for a few months yet. It's going well, however.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day and I have zero plans but for trying out my new appliances, setting my computer up in the office, and relaxing. God knows I don't get much of a chance to do that.

Maybe one of these days I'll report something exciting. :p

Just when I thought it was all over.

Despite my rather valiant efforts, I have not had a real good weekend. I've been in physical pain for most of it, and the plain, simple fact is that the realization is now starting to hit me - that I've contracted to purchase this house, it's permanent, and that all of the real work now begins.

This wouldn't be so bad, but for the fact that 1. I've never had such control over my own life; and 2. it's all so goddamned overwhelming.

I had a breakdown in the Ikea parking lot today for reasons unknown, until I really thought about it - and the plain fact, it's too many decisions. People keep telling me that I'm not under a time pressure - that I have time to think, that I can decide any time I want to. All well and good, except that I can't make a decision. I've never been any good with deciding anything, from major decisions such as buying this place to begin with, to a simple one such as what color dishes to get. I just can't do it - I freeze up, I'm always scared of doing the wrong thing, of screwing up, and that's a natural consequence of being told, in not so many words, that you've been a screwup all of your life.

Today was the first day in a long time that I felt out of control of my own head. It's not at all a good sign.

I'm also starting to face the fact that my life is what it is now. That I'm more or less all alone out here, left to my own devices. Most of the time, I'm okay, if not great. But today is one of those days where I just feel utterly abandoned and unwanted by the world. And that's when all of the memories come back, like ghosts that won't go away. Memories of when I was married, of before I was married, of after and all of the utter destruction that was caused and is now behind me in the rear view mirror. Destruction that I somehow can't escape, as much as I try to forget.

Today I feel like the screwup that I've always been called. Today, for the first time in a long time, I feel like maybe I shouldn't really be alive.

No, no. No worries. I'm safe tonight. But it's a fleeting wish that I could have all of the time back again, that I could make something more out of my life than what I have now. Yes, I'm in a better position in a lot of ways, and I'm grateful for what I do have. I just feel raw... and very, very scared. And that what I'm feeling isn't normal, but then nothing I apparently do is 'normal', anyway.

I hope that this is just a dip in the road. I hope that my depression isn't starting to come back. I don't want it back, I don't want it back, I don't want it. I don't want to be sick anymore.

Sleep. I hope that tomorrow will be better.

Settling in.

I've moved fully into the house, though I'm not at all unpacked, never mind being close to organized. I'm living out of boxes at the present, which shouldn't really bother me - I'm used to that. Still, I've asked for next Monday off, in the hopes that I can get some things done. I'm finding that I'm really tired of tripping over my bicycle because it's halfway in the kitchen.

Otherwise, life is as normal. I got my promotion and raise, starting this upcoming check, and don't think that's not a relief. It came just in time, seeing that my living expenses seem to be going up like a rocket. I'm told that will settle down over time - I hope so. Despite the fact that I've qualified and sent off for the 8k tax credit for the house, it's still not going to go too far - I need to set up an emergency fund, which is going to take almost half of it. (And so it should - I never know when something's going to go up, heh.)

Still thinking about the housewarming party, though it doesn't look as if a lot of people want to come - big surprise there. We'll see, but I'm not going to spend a fuckload of money if people aren't willing to be there. I can't eat a bushel of crabs by myself, as tempting as that might sound. I'm not really so much upset over the fact that a lot of people can't come, or don't want to come - I'm rather antisocial, so I expected as much. I guess that it just highlights how antisocial I've been and continue to be. It's another thing that the depression has taken from me, another thing amongst countless things.

Besides, with the recent oil spill in Louisiana and all, it might be that I won't be able to afford to hold this shindig, after all. Crabs are already at 250 a bushel and they're predicting one expensive-assed summer. So... time will tell, I suppose.

I'm tired today. Tuesday, y'know. The addicts seemed to be a lot busier than usual over the weekend, must've been a fresh supply of cocaine in the District or something, who knows.

Anyhow, that's the update for now. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to show when I finally get some time to take care of this stuff.