"I am only three years old!"

Three years old. My God, this blog is three years old. Where did the time go?

It's honestly hard to believe that three years have passed since I first began this little "journal" of mine. In truth, June 12 isn't really the day I started - but it's the only date I have for reference, because I wiped out the original entries during a very deep, very dark depression. How I wish I knew what they had said. It would have been a frame of reference for just how bad it really got. But, c'est la vie, I suppose - I must now work with what I have.

People have been telling me that they have seen a huge difference within me over the last year - indeed, the last six months. I do feel that I've grown substantially in that time. It's not been an easy journey by any means, but... I sit here and I think that maybe I wouldn't change anything.

The depression is now a part of me - maybe was a part of me. I'm still hesitant to say that I've recovered or that I'm cured of it - but I can safely state that I am in the process of recovery. That's a hell of a lot better than where I was this time last year. Or three years ago.

Everything happens for a reason.

I am better equipped to handle disappointment, or anger, or negative feelings. I don't run off into a blind rage anymore. I am starting to learn how not to blame the world at large for issues that I may (or may not have) caused. I am beginning to open my eyes and see others around me, others that have for years tried to reach me, tried to help me, haven't turned away from me. I am beginning to allow new people into my life, slowly. I no longer feel that time and circumstances are against me.

Three years ago, I couldn't have fathomed this kind of growth.

If you're still here after all this time... thank you for staying. Thank you for seeing me through what I can only describe as a living hell on earth. And thank you for remaining my friend throughout it all. I treasure my friends dearly, and you are one of them. :) If you're a new reader, welcome to my crazy-assed life. Strap yourself in... my life has been up, down, tossed around, it's hit manic highs and crushing lows... but one thing is for sure - you will never be bored.

My blog, like my self, is growing up. :)

I never thought I'd be able to say "welcome to year 4". But... here we are. Let it begin... may it continue to be a time of growth and change.

Bring it on. :)

I rock. And I know it.

So, I received one of those "inspirational" Emails, you know... quote of the day and all of that. I'm usually not into the positive uplift crap, I'm a realistic, bitter bitch.... but today's mail offered up a challenge that I couldn't refuse.

That challenge was as follows:
List eight things that you like about yourself that cannot be tied to anyone else.

That's really quite hard, much more so than I thought. But I decided to give it a try.

1. I'm tenacious.
I'm beating depression - that says enough right there. While I'm not all the way there by any means, I'm a far, far cry from what I was even 6 months ago. And it takes a lot of obstinacy to keep fighting - trust me on this. But I won't give up. I refuse to.

2. I work my ass off.
My work ethic is incredibly strong. I probably work harder than anyone I know. I'm there first, leave last. I deal with the nastiest clients you can possibly imagine... but I do it because it's my job. Same for my classes. I may not like them, but I'll be damned if I leave something unfinished. That's how I roll.

3. My sense of humor.
Admittedly, I don't laugh or smile as often as I once did. But that doesn't mean I don't find things amusing as all hell. People have told me that they find me quite witty, when I want to be. That I don't know about, but I do have the ability to laugh at the most absurd shit.

4. Love of learning.
I've always loved to learn new things. I enjoyed school very much when I was a child (the learning aspect of it, that is - social... ehhhh) and worked very hard to achieve and absorb the lessons that were being taught. It's carried over into my adult life. I don't even know that I'll be done with school after I receive the B.S. degree, because now I'm seriously considering an M.S. in criminal justice. But we'll see.

5. My sense of responsibility.
I grew up with pretty much no money. This earliest lesson in life has taught me to be responsible - not only with money, but with other aspects of my life. If I have a duty to perform, I will do it, and to the best of my ability. I do not shirk from hard or difficult tasks. To do so would go against the grain for me.

6. Generosity.
I've been known to give the shirt off of my back to someone who needed it. (Okay, pervs, make your commments in your heads now, but it's a saying. Fuck off. Haha.) This has often led to people taking outrageous advantage of me, but it's a trait that I wouldn't give up for anything in the world. I love making people happy, and I've been taught to share what I have with others. Granted, I may not have much, but if someone's in need, I share. Not many can say that.

7. Tolerance.
In recent years, this quality has taken a huge backseat, due to... we'll say my choice of company. But in recent months, my tolerance of others has grown a bit stronger. I really do not hold any pre-conceived notions of people before I meet them. I am color-blind. I do not see brown skin or a turban or a man dressed as a woman. I see a human being, flesh and blood, just like me. If I deserve respect as a human being, so do they. End of story.

8. Common sense.
I often lose my temper over this quality, but I really do think I have more "common sense" than most. I think things through, as much as I can, before doing them, and I use contextual clues to help me along when I don't understand something. Now, I know I'm not perfect by any means. But I really do think that for the most part, I've used good judgement when making decisions. Especially lately.

.... so, I managed to do just that. I'm actually pretty surprised that I could list that much, as I never thought that I was really anything special or that I had any good qualities to offer.

But I do. I so rock. :D

Two steps forward... one step back.

I've finally got a few minutes to write - that's how crazy it's been. Huge changes are in the works down at the lab, things that will impact the entire agency, and I've been smack in the middle of it all trying to work things out so that everyone will benefit (though all I'm going to end up getting out of the deal is more headaches from the addicts and a sore back). I can't really go into it at the moment, as I'm... well, not really supposed to know about the details (which translates to, I've been taken into confidence, so I can't talk about it). But all will be revealed by some time next month, so I'll definitely go into it by then.

The depression seems to have abated, or at least not flared up to any huge degree. I did have a moment earlier today where I just lost my temper - I have a huge amount of homework to finish this weekend (two labs and trying to set up an FTP account for my web design class, the latter being an exercise in futility because the instructions aren't correct and the instructor is zero help... and the former just being insanely work-intensive at a time where I have too much going on already). Anyhow, I admit to giving in to my frustration and just bursting into tears (though short-lived). It was refreshingly normal, actually. Perhaps I AM getting better!

I'll be able to catch up, so I'm not incredibly worried (at the moment). It just all FEELS as if it's crashing down onto my shoulders, ugh. I've caught a cold as well last week, so that doesn't help things.

I'm starting to learn that there's never really a time where things settle down so that one has no worries - it's just a matter of what degree something is going to worry you, I suppose.

Really, I can't complain too much right now. I'm alive, the depression has more or less taken a back seat, I have a roof over my head and food to eat, I'm following through with my no-soda determination (though this second week has been hard, I won't lie), I have a job. I'm okay. Reasonably content. Still, I can't help but feel that something's around the corner....

Suspicion, that's all. Just suspicion.

On a different note... I don't like reality television - therefore I don't like American Idol. I've never watched even a single episode of it, ever. But I HAVE heard the "efforts" of some of the, uh, winners of this show. The only one that I think has any talent whatsoever MAY (and I emphasize may) be Kelly Clarkson.

I heard this on one of my iPhone apps the other day. I actually rather like it.



Until next time...

78 rpm where it was 33 1/3.

My life is beginning to race in directions that only a month ago seemed incomprehensible.

This week, my workplace is having a three-day conference, of which we're now on the second day. I was (am) on the planning committee for this shindig, and had thought up until yesterday that it was just flat out going to suck - the consensus was that there was no consensus as far as what kind of activities to plan or what exactly to discuss. But now that it's actually gotten started, I've discovered that the speakers that we've hired are actually terrific. They've been quite inspirational, and I am not usually the kind of person that takes anything valuable away from public speakers. (Most of the time, I end up half asleep.)

Today, we had a class about emotional intelligence - it's a "hot button" topic right now in the world of employment. I had taken this class last year with a different instructor, and it was helpful then - but the instructor we had today was just that much better. I gained quite a bit from the class - mainly about self-control (something that I seriously need a lot more of). I didn't agree with everything she said, of course. One of the main sticking points that I had trouble with was about how everything in life was a choice - I could choose to be depressed, or I could choose to be positive. I see some truth in that, but I completely disagree about the phrase "choosing to be depressed" - no one chooses to have a debilitating mental illness, trust me on this point. And I said as much. But in some ways, her other points were made in that I spoke up for myself and didn't just "take it lying down". In the past, I wouldn't have questioned such rhetoric, I'd have just sat there and passively agreed - which is the wrong, wrong, wrong thing to do. In defending myself, I was proactive, and I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I think that everyone else was, too.

But even if they weren't - that's not the end of my world, now is it?

One of the most valuable life lessons that I've taken out of this is: "It's not that serious."

You know what I mean by that? Life just isn't that serious that I need to be freaking out over every little thing. I'm what they call a "driver" - a person that's more task-focused than people-focused, and fast-paced as opposed to slow. Unfortunately, "drivers" want control, and panic when they don't have it. And that describes me perfectly - I've searched all of my life for something I could control, in vain. The consequences are that I've lived my life in a state of anxiety, which ... leads to depression. It's no wonder that I am what I am, is it?!!?

My therapy has begun. I walked out from that last session tired, wrung out and exhausted from sobbing. But I also felt oddly lighter, more involved with the world and less within my own head. I have probably the only doctor in Maryland with Sunday appointments - I really lucked out, there.

I also saw my friend from the Camden train this morning. It was only for a few minutes, but he said hello, I said hello, and we shared a little bit about our work schedules. I was able to explain that I was on the night shift this month, which was why I hadn't seen him. I'm glad I said that, I didn't want him to think I'd just disappeared. He's a nice person. The first friend I've made in a long, long time. And I don't even know his name (yet). But it was so, so good to connect with someone, even if only for a moment.

I can't guarantee that I'll be able to hold on to this feeling all the time, but I feel that I've taken away a lot of things from this class, and indeed from the last week or two. My good streak continues. I've been able to function, and function well. I think that perhaps I've begun my starting over. I hope. For the first time in a long time.... in months.... perhaps years... I have hope!

Last day of the conference/work before the Labor Day weekend. I might head down to Beadazzled later this weekend and pick up on that new hobby I want to try. Who knows, maybe I'll really enjoy it! And I leave for the Bahamas in a week....

So much going on and so little time. Life is getting better. I hope that it keeps up!

Hmmm.

I know I haven't been around for quite a while. It's been, yet again, another strange week. Things have happened that are a little too painful to talk about right now (i.e, recent negativity), and yet... yesterday and today I've been queerly happy, contented, even somewhat settled. It could be that in letting go of what has been hurting (even as a vague, somewhat nettling ache), I have been rewarded with the feeling of peace.

It could be that I am finally living my life on my terms, without feeling the need to please anyone but myself. True, I may not have much of a "life" right now - I basically eat, sleep, shit, go to work, come home, pet Miss Thang every now and then, do what I feel I am mentally capable of doing that day - but this light, simple routine has made all of the difference. It also could be that I know I'm going back to therapy and therefore my traitorous mind has settled down into a 'normal' pattern - which, of course, will make me look crazy and idiotic to the doctor. Sigh. I don't know, but I'll grab any feeling of peace that I can get right now.

The IRS has sent back a letter demanding more paperwork. Meh. So it's all copied and ready to send down to the post office on Monday morning. Overnight. With registered mail confirmation. I'm done playing with these jerk-offs. Obama promised me eight thousand dollars, and I want it, goddamnit. I want a real bed to sleep on and real dishes to eat off of.

Another semester is done at UMUC. I finished my Spanish exam last night, and am turning in my final crim report tomorrow evening before I go to bed. Then, a month to relax and get it together before the next semester - biology and web design, bleh, but it's seven credits closer to my goal. After this upcoming semester, I'll already be halfway done to a degree. Seems REALLY hard to believe - I feel like I've just started. I may have to start taking three classes at a clip so that I can possibly finish this before I'm too far from 40. It's not like my time is being filled with anything else at the moment, so what the hell.

In the last few days, I've managed to think - clearly - about my plans for the future and what I want out of life. And it's turned out that I actually still have dreams, unbelievably. I'd love to finish this degree, improve this house, I still have some hobbies on the back burner that I'd like to pursue again (tie-dying, beading, that sort of hippie shit, heh). And, of course, I want to travel, all over the world. I'd love to go back to Australia one day, maybe the U.K., South America - I'd love to see the Panama Canal or go to Costa Rica or Ecuador. Maybe that Spanish I took would be good for something, heh. I'm planning a huge blowout for my 40th birthday, some place that's exotic and impossible to get to without a lot of time and preparation, I'm going to do it up. One would think that Australia is exotic and impossible to get to - and it is - but it might be there, it might be South America.... or Antarctica. Shit, how many people have been to Antarctica before? I'd bet not many!

In any case, I'm going to celebrate my 40th, when it comes. I'm going to celebrate the fact that I am alive, and that I've fought all of these demons for so long and I'm still fucking HERE. For today, depression isn't going to get the best of me. Tomorrow, maybe I might not feel that way, but today - it won't. And I think that's the person that I really am, deep beneath all of the sadness and the pain.

One of my closest friends, who understands me better than any person walking, once said that I was steel. He's right.

'kay, so... a quickish update.

I'm finally feeling okay enough to post a little bit, so here goes.

- Work sucks, as per usual. They really got on my last nerve today for some reason, but it's finally the end of the week. No hassles. But it's going to be taken up with...

- Schoolwork, heh. I'm approaching the end of my classes. Not hopeful for the crim course. The other, probably a B, if I can get off my lazy ass to do the overdue assignments. Pulled a B in the lib-sci course, yay me. At least that's proof that I'm not a complete idiot.

- My phone's pretty much died, it seems. Not receiving texts from most people. Sprint sucks ass, anyway. I'm looking at the iPhone as an alternative, but it's SOOO fucking expensive, ugh. We'll see.

- Kumari has the best fucking chicken tikka masala in Baltimore, bar fucking none.

- Cruise coming up in a few weeks. I have to shop. I hate shopping. That is all.

Other than that, my friends, it's been a dull couple of weeks. I don't know what my problem was last week as far as the anger's concerned. I think I'm off my medication schedules, have to get back on that. Meh. I've just been so bloody tired as of late... no energy whatsoever. I think it's the combination of school, work, the move, it's all just imploded and I'm exhausted.

Things should improve fairly quickly now that I'm more or less settled. We'll see.

Anyhow. That's it. What did you expect, a tearful goodbye line? :D Heh.

Reflections. (Guess I'm not quite done yet for today, heh.)

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I used to be. When the worst of the depression was haunting me, and in truth I find that I don't even remember anymore, the person that I used to be. This is probably, most likely, a good thing, because from the people who knew me then... they tell me that I was... well, not easy to live with is a kind term. A bitch, maybe is what they mean to say, heh. But.. I find that I remember very little of that time at all.

All that I can remember is that I know that all I wanted was to die. That I honestly felt the world closing in on me, choking me, suffocating me. Just to breathe was to hurt. It was a feeling that I cannot describe more than that.

I don't remember being able to work, or to get out of bed a lot of the time. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't think beyond making it a second, a minute at a time.

I do remember the mental hospital. I remember the ward. That was the beginning of waking up for me, but even that didn't fully snap me out of it. I was on drugs that I never should have been on, at the wrong dosages and at the wrong times. Paxil made me dead inside. I could function, but not at a level where I would care. The Buspirone helped greatly with the anxiety and took that away, but it wasn't until I got put on this combination that I'm on now... that I started to feel better.

And today?

I hesitate to say that I'm better, still. Because I've been here before, you know. I've been in a position where I thought I was okay, where I thought that the depression was gone... and the next day, week, month, I'd have an attack so crushing that I'd despair all over again. It's a rollercoaster, a cruel one.

But I do feel that I'm in a better place now. I'm able to handle situations now that would have had me in broken, screaming sobs even a year ago. This job in itself proves that I'm better, because how many people do you know that could deal with a thousand angry, just-as-depressed-as-you-are people a day? And not only deal with the job, but ride it to the point where you get a promotion barely a year later?

Yes. I think it's safe to say that I'm better now. But I still live in a world of fear that one of these days the drugs will stop working. That I'll go back to being in that glass box where I used to watch the world from outside, and yearn to be a part of it but couldn't be because the edges of that box were cutting into my throat. That's how I felt for a long, long time. Maybe for my whole life.

I'm reminded of the song "Blackbird" by the Beatles.



Ignore the video itself... but listen to the lyrics. That's so where I really am now in my life. I'm scared.. but I'm learning to live again. That's where I am.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Sigh.... and life rolls on.

Things haven't changed much.  I'm still at the job - though apparently the news about the bitch leaving is true - she was seen cleaning her desk out this morning.  Thank fucking God, that's all I can say.  Now if I could get a couple more out of here...but, alas, one at a time.  I will so not miss her stupid screaming laugh that sounds for all the world like a dying hyena.  If I could kiss the fucking floor... two more days.  That's all I have to deal with now is two days... please Christ let me get through them without wanting to smack her stupid face.

 

I've been rendered even more bitter and disillusioned - I got my weekly crim assignment grade back... an 84.  What... the... fuck.  I worked my ass off on an assignment last week that only got a 68 (as far as I know, that's a big fat fail), but I don't even bother to try this week... and I get an 84.  And I really DIDN'T bother, either - it was more or less word for word out of the book with a few tiny flourishes thrown in for good measure.

 

It only shows me that people DON'T want original thought or ideas.  It only shows me that people are mindless fucking sheep, just like I've always believed.  Why should I even bother trying anymore?  I'd actually maybe get somewhere if I DIDN'T.

 

Heh, I know I sound so bitter.  I am bitter, in a way.

 

I still have the big project due this weekend.  She may as well give me my fail grade for that now because I have no idea of what I'm doing or what I'm supposed to do.

 

I'm depressed.  Can you tell?  <bitter laugh>

 

Anyway.  That's my update for the last few days.  Exciting stuff, I know.  Nothing much changes here in my cracked little head.

 

Sorry.  :p

Trying to hold on.

Work is pissing me off again, as usual.  I failed an assignment in my crim course (after working my heart out on it - I'm so hurt).  And never having any time to myself anymore.... it's all building up to a point where I'm ready to blow up.  I'm serious.  If even one person looks at me wrong, they're going to get hurt.

 

I'm so scared that I'm going to screw this school shit up.  I'm trying but things are so different than what they were 20 years ago.  I don't think this instructor understands - but then, since when has anyone ever understood my point of view?

 

The only good thing that's happened in the last couple of days is that I'm out of debt again, almost.  I have two more cards to pay off and I'm through, and one of them will be handled within the month. 

 

Otherwise... life is shit.

 

I need control to keep myself from crying... I'm at work.  Can't afford that.  But God it's so fucking hard....

Learning and how to be a child again.

I was bad and took the day off of work today because of doctor's appointments. It's been a rather lazy kind of day, and I've been resting, recharging my 'batteries' if you will. Had a good therapy session today - although I didn't feel like I got a lot out, it went all right with little drama. Afterwards, I went outside and for some reason... I got the "wild" idea to take my shoes off and walk barefoot through the grass. It was such a nice day outside and I thought... "You know, I haven't done this since I was a little girl... just walked through the grass barefoot like this." It felt weird... but at the same time, good. The grass was wet from the recent rains we had, so it was cold and ticklish on my toes. Couldn't help but giggle a little.

Now, this might seem sad to you all, that I'd devote an entire paragraph to my 'discovery' of walking through a patch of grass barefoot. But it struck me afterwards... that it's a simple pleasure, one that I haven't experienced in a long, long time. I was always too afraid of stepping on a bee or into an anthill or something similar. But I decided, just for once, to put the fear aside and do it. It didn't last long, and it hasn't changed my life any... but the effects are long-lasting. I feel good about myself tonight. I feel like a child again, where the world is open and anything is a possibility. Just even saying that tends to bring tears to my eyes, because I've lived for so long under a black, angry cloud... where I've felt nothing. Now I'm starting to feel everything. It's frightening, to be sure... but somehow exhilarating at the same time.

I did have a bad moment earlier when I hauled out the sewing machine. I am determined to attempt to learn how to sew - it's a hobby that I've always wanted to do and just never had a chance to learn or have anyone teach me. My problem with learning anything new is that if I tend not to pick it up right away, I get very frustrated - and frustration is one of my hot buttons, it leads to anger and sometimes even violence if I get angry enough. But I eventually calmed down... and tried again. I think that I'm at least beginning to learn the basics - and I even managed to practice on a piece of paper. My seams are surprisingly straight. This is an accomplishment.

I guess I'm so afraid of failure. I've been told that I'm a failure all my life, so naturally when I don't do well at something the first time, it just echoes in my head. It's hard to ignore those preprogrammed messages - but Goddamn if I'm not trying.

Ah, well, that's about all for today. I'm just going to enjoy this weekend, probably being as lazy as I want, but hopefully I'll be able to get some things accomplished. We'll see.

Cheers.

The weekend again, and I feel... hrm, I'm not sure.

I still haven't been to the pharmacy to fill my prescrips yet - I know, bad me. I'm doing it first thing tomorrow morning.

It's been kind of a quiet Saturday around here, which is what I need after the week I've had, but for some reason I feel... I guess apprehensive is a good word. Like something's waiting for me just around the corner, and it's not going to be a good thing. I'm probably just imagining things, as I'm wont to do. But I sure wish that I could be positive, or at least start trying to be. It's unfortunately in my nature to look at the bad side of things.

My digital camera broke, so that's definitely a negative for today. I don't know what happened to it - I turn it on and the screen just goes black, then grey, black then grey, black then grey, over and over. I'm pissed off - I bought that camera only a couple of years ago and while it wasn't that expensive, it also wasn't used that much. I guess it's a situation of "you get what you pay for". Next time I'm going to spend the money and get a decent one that won't break down after a year or two. I expected better from a Sony product, I can say that much. (Next time it's a Nikon or nothing, heh.)

I found a website the other night that shows me, step by step, how to make a pillowcase - you know, one of those beginner sewing projects. I think I'm going to try it and see if this sewing machine that's been sitting here since October is going to get some use or not. I love the idea of sewing and making my own clothes, but I'm painfully aware that I don't know how to do that - yet. I haven't had much time to learn the basics, but I'm going to make some time. I want to learn how to do at least one new thing this year. Maybe I should join "43 Things", keep track of my goals. Hmmm.

Hah, there you are, that's a new thing right there. :D

All is good in the world right now, I guess I'm just bored and fitful, which spells trouble for me, usually.

Hey, now I remember what I was going to talk about - how'd it go at the doctor's! Sheesh, my mind is full of fuzz tonight...

Basically I've been taken off of the Paxil. THANK CHRIST. I start Wellbutrin and the buspirone stays. We'll see what happens, but I go back to see the psych in a month. I have another therapy appointment in 2 weeks. I like my therapist, I think, I felt comfortable in there. But then I didn't break down crying yet, either, so we'll see.

That's it, that's what I came back to say. Phhbbt. :)

The too-much-on-my-mind syndrome.

I have to work today on what is one of my 4 Saturdays of the year (though it's ended up a lot more than that - so much for promises), and I can't sleep due to... that's right... the "too much on my mind" syndrome. Every time I turn over in bed, I keep getting thoughts - tonight it's been everything but the kitchen sink. My future, what I want to do, the possibility of school, the possibility of paying off bills, buying a house, thinking about my prospects, thinking about my past, thinking thinking thinking. I don't know why this always happens on a Saturday morning when I have to work and need all the sleep I can get, but... meh.

Hopefully writing in here will take some of those thoughts out and allow me to at least get some rest.

I was lying in bed and thinking about the few positive things that I got out of my life in Valdosta - and trust me, there wasn't much - but there were some things. For example... I learned how to swim. At 31 years of age, I finally learned how to move my legs and arms in just the right way so that I was swimming and not just thrashing on the side of a pool.

I remember the day, too. It was a really hot summer day in Valdosta, as they tend to be, and I was just kind of cooling off in Matt's parents' pool... and suddenly while I was moving around, I just... got it. It clicked. After all of those years, it was like a light bulb coming on. And for the rest of the afternoon, I just swam, swam, swam, I was a water sprite. I was DOING it! I felt really proud of myself, that I'd taught myself a new skill.

Unfortunately, I haven't really gotten to swim since. I doubt that I'd be able to really save myself in a rough ocean - my skills aren't honed by any means - but I can get into a pool without making a fool of myself, and for that I'm proud.

While I was remembering that memory, I also remembered the storms in Valdosta. I have some bad memories of that, especially the one time where the roof caved in while I was sleeping (remind me to write about that one day when I feel less fragile, if you will) - but some of the storms were nothing short of beautiful. The gray skies, the smell of rain approaching, the warm wind just gusting... no storm in Maryland can quite compare. If I'd lived in a better place, if I were more secure... I would have loved the rain on my roof and watching it pour. But... well, that's another story for another day.

Another memory that comes to me is when I finally got behind the wheel of a car - or in this case, truck - for the first time. Being with Matt held a lot of negativity, believe me - but he was good for me in some respects, and one of them is that he thoroughly believed that I was able to learn new things. Driving was one of them, and he was a good teacher. He got me further with being able to drive than anyone else has to date. I remember driving down country roads in Valdosta at all hours - day, night, 4pm or 4am. I was never scared, driving at night - in Valdosta, there's not much in the way of traffic at that hour. At one point, I took the test down there, but I failed due to the parallel parking business. It's still the ONE thing that I don't know. I'm bound to fix that very, very soon.

Ah, I don't know. This is all a pointless ramble, no doubt, but it's better to get it out of my head so that it won't be churning in there. It's rare that I ever get a chance to write something down right away that I want to talk about, too, so... here it is in the rough. Now you know my thought processes!

Anyway. It's 1am now, and I have to be up at 4:30am. Doesn't seem much point in trying to sleep, but I have to attempt - at least I might be able to half-function. With no sleep at all, gah, who knows.