I'm tired as hell, so I'm just stopping in to let everyone know that I'm still alive. :p I've found out a couple of things over the last week that have pissed me off to no end (it mainly involves the situation with Recent D-bag, heh), but in truth.... it's seriously just starting to not matter to me anymore. There was a time where such news would have crippled me for weeks. Today, I barely gave it a thought. Because that's how much it's worth - maybe a dismissive, "Whatthefuckever, dumbass", then on to the next thing.
Some exciting-ish news tonight, but I unfortunately can't share it yet - I've been requested to "hold back" for a while. But it's definitely good news, and it's definitely something that I didn't expect to happen. As soon as I get the "all clear" to share it, I surely will.
I know... mysterious! But all will be revealed in time.
Finished my Christmas shopping today. Christ, but it's been one expensive year. But hey - this is so going to be worth it. It's the first Christmas that I'll have in years that has meant anything to me. It's the first Christmas I've not been all alone or lonely or depressed in nearly ten years. I cannot wait for it. As far as I'm concerned, that is priceless.
My life is going very, very well - maybe too well.
More of an update later on when I have some time. This weekend's going to be hellish busy, it's the last week of the winter semester and I have massive papers due. No exams, though, thank Christ for that.
I didn't feel much like doing the Saturday 9 this week, but then my entire mood has been just weird and... I guess a little "off", I suppose. I still have my times where things just don't sit well with me, and this was one of them. I've actually been upset over the smallest shit today, and that's bothered me immensely. For example: Greg and I made a grocery order online (something we usually do, though neither of us like it) on Friday night, and we'd ordered a pound of white button mushrooms. Simple enough, right?
So, the order came, and I swear to fucking God, there was a bag with ONE. MUSHROOM. IN. IT. One. A tiny little solitary white button mushroom. We checked the receipt... and they actually charged us 28 cents for this one sad fucking little mushroom. It's enough to make anyone laugh their asses off, me included - usually.
No. I fucking lost it because Safeway had the nerve to actually bag up ONE mushroom. And charge me for it. I was literally upset for hours over this - like I said, the stupidest shit on the planet. Why did I do that?
Bless Greg for putting up with me. I don't know how he does it, I swear. And I honestly don't know why I felt like that, but.... it's stupid little shit like this that's made me feel tired and rundown and sad all day. Depressed, actually. I don't know whether it's because all of what I'm going through at work is dragging me down, or financial worries, or what. I have no clue. All that I know is that I'm so tired of being strong for everyone else's sake. And I know I have to let go of that stupidity, because I've carried the weight for so freaking long that it's broken my shoulders. Isn't that how I got depression in the first place?
I find that I still have so many issues concerning independence and needing help and allowing others to assist me. I have no idea of what I'm going to do when I get too old to do things on my own - I'm so freaking proud and stubborn, and I know it. Sigh....
As usual, when I'm feeling like this, I have a yearning to go backward in time... to see how people from my past are doing. Whether they "miss" me or not, I guess. Whether they think about me. Which is silly, actually, because I'm pretty sure that they couldn't give a rat's ass. But, still... it's a compulsion that I have a hard time breaking, and when I'm in moods like this, it's magnified a hundred times over, usually with bad results. Tonight's journey wasn't actually so bad. I'm feeling less and less hurt as time rolls on, which I guess is a good thing - though I cry when I find out new information, sometimes. Like... tonight, I found out that one of my favorite cats that I'd loved so much in the trash shack in Georgia is dead. I don't know when it happened - but it happened before March of 2010, because that's the date on the picture and it says "the late ".... sigh. I loved that boy like he was my very own - he was the sweetest one of the bunch that I tried to take care of. He comforted me when my Pearl died in that hellhole.... and now I know he's gone. And THAT hurts. He wasn't even eight years old yet, I know that for a fact, because I moved into that horror house in March of 2002 and he was literally weeks old then.
Of course he didn't make it to 8 years old. Would you, if you were forced to live amongst filth and decay?
I feel so fucking guilty that I couldn't save him - any of them. That's what happens when you live with a hoarder. That's what happens when you try to have a normal life with a person who isn't normal. I mean, let's face it - I'm a slob, I'm Oscar in the fucking Odd Couple - but I'm not a hoarder. I know when to throw shit away. I know better than to have 22 cats and 4 fucking dogs and not be able to take care of any of them. I know when something needs fixing in my house and I don't use a slop bucket to fill up my toilet tanks when I need to take a shit.
Oh, Christ, I don't even want to go into this right now. I WILL start crying and I'll go into a downward spiral for the rest of the weekend. That I DON'T need. I'm not ready to confront all of that. Not yet. Not now.
Tonight, though, I'm grateful that I've removed certain people from my life. I'm grateful that I have the knowledge that I will never go back to those times, nor do I want to. I see tons of people on my Facebook "friend suggestions", people that I knew, people that my friends know... but I don't add anybody. I don't want to, honestly. I have all of the "friends" on there that I need or want, and if someone wants to get in touch with me, they know how to find me. If they don't make an effort... they don't really want to know what's going on in my life, then, do they?
Those kinds of "friends", I don't need.
I find that I am enjoying simplicity. I have my job. I have Greg in my life, and we live pretty quietly, simply - we don't need or want a lot of things. I have friends that I can turn to in the rare event that I need advice. I have a home to live in, food to eat, clothes on my back. We occasionally go out for a movie, bowling, walks; nothing complicated. The anger that I have held inside of me for so long is beginning to dissipate. I no longer seek out drama, or even welcome it in others.
Maybe I'm starting to grow old at last - but I'm at the point now where I just want a quiet life and my ways are my ways. I've never dealt well with change as a rule, anyhow.
The sun is setting on the first half of my life. I'm okay with that, finally. I'll be 40 in less than 3 months now, 90 short days - and I'm okay with that as well. I've seen enough "action" (which really translates to pain, when you think about it) for a lifetime. Now I just want my life settled, quiet, happy. I think I'm well on the way to that. Things didn't turn out the way that I'd expected, maybe - but it's all right. Everything for a reason, yes?
I am considerably "calmer" now than when I started writing this post, all in the space of 20 short minutes. I guess that writing it all out does tend to help with my confuzzled state of mind, heh. Still... I dislike it when I lapse into old patterns of thinking. I need to watch that, still, I think.
One day at a time. (La, dah-dah-dah. Score if you know to what I refer, heh. :p )
As always, I have little bits and pieces of thoughts throughout the week or during the periods of time where I don't write. Things that pop into my brain - "hey, yanno, I really should write about that" - only to have them disappear into the ether. What I should do is write them down as they occur to me, but even if I do (and I've tried), I usually decide that it's not really worth expounding upon later, for the most part.
You'd never know that I actually used to write on a creative level when I was younger. Not by the disjointed posts you see here today, anyway. I'd love to get back into that, but I don't feel that I have enough talent to do it, or originality to be honest. When I go back over the few writing pieces of mine that exist today (mainly really bad poetry on Literotica and the like), I cringe with complete embarrassment. That's usually a sign that I'm not cut out for the writing scene, heh.
Just that I'm thinking about trying to start again, though... that's as close to "normal" as I can ever remember being. Writing used to be my passion, what I lived for, and I might have had a shot at it if it hadn't been for a really painful experience when I was younger.
Yes, folks, here it comes. I'm purging yet another painful memory. Get ready.
Between the time I was about, oh I'll say sixteen or so, and nineteen... I was ass-deep in the writing of a book, an actual book. It doesn't matter what it was about now - something about a smart-alecky cat traveling the country having Kerouac-like adventures - but it was really, really good, or so I thought. I'd written, written, rewritten, revised, gotten critical opinions, revised again... etc. I was actually going to try and publish the damned thing, more fool me. At nineteen, I had a lot of dreams, still.
To make a long story short, the asshole that I was with at the time was abusive - in body, mind and spirit. This is the only douchebag that ever dared to hit me on a physical level, and to this day I don't know why I ever stayed with him - I guess I was conditioned to take that abuse, just like I was conditioned in childhood to accept emotional abuse and neglect.
This asshole, in a fit of rage, ripped up my book. The only copy I had. You see, there were no computers accessible back then to the general public - you had to have serious money to afford one in those days, which I didn't have. So... no copies. No way to get anything back. He took each page, and deliberately ripped it in halves, quarters, eighths. Scattered them all around the rooms. It was a big, huge, hurtful "Fuck you, bitch - you're nothing. Your so-called "talent" is shit."
I cried for weeks. That crushed my spirit like nothing else could have. At nineteen, something profound died within me. I've never been able to retrieve it since. Not ever. I have never written a word on a creative level since. Only bad, inept, stuttering poetry that is a fraction of the ability I used to have. Something inside of me still hears that limpdick's voice, echoing that sentiment. "I'm nothing. I'm shit."
Isn't that awful?
It doesn't matter how many people tell me differently, either. I just can't seem to get over that one thing, the destruction of something that I poured my heart and soul into for almost 4 years of my life. I guess you just had to be there to understand the depth of the pain.
Just the fact that I'm thinking about writing again, or even trying is a huge, huge positive sign that maybe I'm returning to the young, idealistic woman I used to be. Believe it or not... I did have hopes and dreams once, underneath all of this hurt and all of the tears I've cried incessantly since I was old enough to walk, pretty much.
Ugh, tears again. Always more tears. But it means I'm healing, doesn't it? Even if it seems to take absolutely forever.
I'm finally accepting the hurt, the pain, the fact that I endured abuse heaped onto yet more abuse. I'm finally getting that it happened and that I can't pretend it didn't and that I can't change it. But when am I going to get to forgiveness? I'm conscious that forgiveness is for myself, a way to keep people out of my head and heart... I'm getting that, too. But when is that going to happen? Am I going to carry all of this darkness within me forever?
Questions, questions, yet more questions. I want answers, damn it.
Heh, I can hear Greg's voice in my head now going, "Paaaaayyyy-shence."
Quick update on the rest of my life, here: - Greg and I are doing wonderfully fine. Now past the 5-month mark and counting down to half a year. Hard to believe that this wonderful man is still with me, despite all. <3 - I just won the annual incentive workplace award, again, for the third year in a row. Which essentially now means that I'm set for life here, should I want to be. Not that I want to take urine for the rest of my life, that's for sure. - School is in full swing again. This time I'm taking film history (wonderfully fun) and public safety policy (boooooring, yawn). Semester ends December 18th, hopefully I'll pull good marks. - My wrist is more or less out of the soft cast (though it's not supposed to be yet, but I can't stand wearing the fucking thing one more day). It aches, it's VERY stiff in the mornings, but that's the way it goes. It's liveable. I can deal with it.
I start this with the feeling that I want to write something, but... I don't really have a clear purpose in mind. This most likely means that it's going to be a lot of rambling about nothing, so if you don't really give a rat's ass about the inner workings of my head, it's probably best to skip this one. It's okay, really - I won't be upset about it. :p
My wrist and hand are doing a lot better, though they're not "fixed" by any means. I am still having trouble with some things such as putting on a bra or clothes that have to be buttoned (though I'm doing well with tying shoelaces, oddly). Today, I was able to tie my hair back into a tail for the first time since the accident, a very good sign. I am able to type again with both hands, though on a limited basis (I can only do it for short periods before I have to "rest" again - it's the way the cast is wrapped, bluh). My next orthopedic appointment is for October 5th, and there's a good possibility that I'll be able to get the cast off completely, though I'm sure I'll still have to wear a soft brace for a while. Still, it's better than this heavy monstrosity that seems to weigh more and more each passing day. Ugh!
I once again have been thinking of my recent past... only now I just feel indifference. It no longer matters. None of it does. I have survived the pain and I have come out on the other side stronger, healthier, more determined than ever. Perhaps the ghosts have finally been vanquished... or at the very least, put to rest.
Yesterday, my therapist shortened my appointments to once a month. When I first began seeing him, it was once a week. It's further proof that the depression is now fading away, or at least has been pushed way, way back onto the closet shelf. It gives me hope that I continue to improve, little by little, day by day. I hope that the depression stays gone - forever.
Still, I bear its scars. I suspect that I always will.
My relationship with Greg continues to flourish. I still pinch myself some days, wondering how all of this came to be... but I am trying not to question my good fortune, but to simply enjoy it.
It's strange, but I now wonder what this blog will become, now that my mental health has improved, if not been restored altogether. This used to be my complaining ground, my "best friend", the one place that I knew I could scream, whine, be emo, cry, sob my stupid head off. But now? I don't really know what purpose it serves these days, as I have very little to complain or cry about. I question whether I will - or should - continue to write in it. The lack of posting recently is no accident, really - I've just not had too much to say. I've been too busy living my life - and I've discovered that there IS a life out there!
(Though my wrist being broken doesn't lead me to want to use it too much in the pursuit of writing, or anything else. There is that, heh.)
And now, a video. :p Actually... this song has a certain meaning to me, as it's one of the last songs I remember... before the depression took over my life. :(
It's been a whirlwind few days here at casa Ray. I haven't really done too much other than relax, settle in with my new relationship, and simply enjoyed my days off from the drug lab - though I'll have to come in on Thursday and Friday, bleh. Still, it's a fair trade-off for all that I've received in the last couple of weeks.
I've been mindlessly happy. It's sort of frightening that my life went from shit to pure bliss in a matter of only days. I'm cautious, however, even though I really for once in my life don't want to be - I actually WANT to believe that things are going to go my way for a rare change. And I've been really stepping out of my comfort zone as of late - I'm thinking about going to get a freaking tattoo on my body, which is about as far from the comfort zone as I can get!
I don't really know what's happened to me, but I'm enjoying every minute of it while I can. I just hope, pray, that it's not all a fragile house of cards that will collapse when the wind blows too hard. I really pray that's not the case.
I know, the dreaded word (which is now considered a curse word in the house) - patience. Sigh.
Just a quick update for now. I don't actually know when I'll be able to write again - I always mean to get around to it, but... well, I've been too busy AND too happy, I suppose. Maybe that's a good thing.
...it's been absolutely forever since I wrote in here... but in truth, so much has happened in the last two weeks that I can't even begin to describe it all without getting my words mixed up. Suffice it to say that my entire life has changed - for the better.
I wish that I could explain more, but in truth, I'm very tired and I need to sleep rather badly. As soon as I can get some more time, I will fill in all of the missing details. A good deal of you know what it pertains to, anyway.
I only know that I'm happier right now than I have been in years.
So, I received one of those "inspirational" Emails, you know... quote of the day and all of that. I'm usually not into the positive uplift crap, I'm a realistic, bitter bitch.... but today's mail offered up a challenge that I couldn't refuse.
That challenge was as follows: List eight things that you like about yourself that cannot be tied to anyone else.
That's really quite hard, much more so than I thought. But I decided to give it a try.
1. I'm tenacious. I'm beating depression - that says enough right there. While I'm not all the way there by any means, I'm a far, far cry from what I was even 6 months ago. And it takes a lot of obstinacy to keep fighting - trust me on this. But I won't give up. I refuse to.
2. I work my ass off. My work ethic is incredibly strong. I probably work harder than anyone I know. I'm there first, leave last. I deal with the nastiest clients you can possibly imagine... but I do it because it's my job. Same for my classes. I may not like them, but I'll be damned if I leave something unfinished. That's how I roll.
3. My sense of humor. Admittedly, I don't laugh or smile as often as I once did. But that doesn't mean I don't find things amusing as all hell. People have told me that they find me quite witty, when I want to be. That I don't know about, but I do have the ability to laugh at the most absurd shit.
4. Love of learning. I've always loved to learn new things. I enjoyed school very much when I was a child (the learning aspect of it, that is - social... ehhhh) and worked very hard to achieve and absorb the lessons that were being taught. It's carried over into my adult life. I don't even know that I'll be done with school after I receive the B.S. degree, because now I'm seriously considering an M.S. in criminal justice. But we'll see.
5. My sense of responsibility. I grew up with pretty much no money. This earliest lesson in life has taught me to be responsible - not only with money, but with other aspects of my life. If I have a duty to perform, I will do it, and to the best of my ability. I do not shirk from hard or difficult tasks. To do so would go against the grain for me.
6. Generosity. I've been known to give the shirt off of my back to someone who needed it. (Okay, pervs, make your commments in your heads now, but it's a saying. Fuck off. Haha.) This has often led to people taking outrageous advantage of me, but it's a trait that I wouldn't give up for anything in the world. I love making people happy, and I've been taught to share what I have with others. Granted, I may not have much, but if someone's in need, I share. Not many can say that.
7. Tolerance. In recent years, this quality has taken a huge backseat, due to... we'll say my choice of company. But in recent months, my tolerance of others has grown a bit stronger. I really do not hold any pre-conceived notions of people before I meet them. I am color-blind. I do not see brown skin or a turban or a man dressed as a woman. I see a human being, flesh and blood, just like me. If I deserve respect as a human being, so do they. End of story.
8. Common sense. I often lose my temper over this quality, but I really do think I have more "common sense" than most. I think things through, as much as I can, before doing them, and I use contextual clues to help me along when I don't understand something. Now, I know I'm not perfect by any means. But I really do think that for the most part, I've used good judgement when making decisions. Especially lately.
.... so, I managed to do just that. I'm actually pretty surprised that I could list that much, as I never thought that I was really anything special or that I had any good qualities to offer.
I had been feeling better about things for the last couple of days, but I find myself turning melancholy once again. The situation last week has taken more of a toll on me than I ever dreamed... and it's frightening because I don't know that I'll ever really recover from it.
Part of my therapy session this week dealt with that loss, and intense discussion about it. I had never really talked with anyone about it before (maybe because the circumstances were such that I felt a little ashamed of it). After a good deal of explanation, including specifics of the situation, my doctor said something that resonated with me... it not only made me feel a little better, but it's given me hope.
He'd said to me, "You cannot blame yourself. You have the hope of a normal, healthy relationship. Once you deal with all of the pain that you've been subjected to... you have a chance of being happy with another person. The other person in your situation does not. The other person in your situation has very deep issues, issues that are brain-related. Speaking from a psychological point of view, this person is very sick. They will never get any better or have anything more than what they have right now - because their pattern keeps repeating, over and over. They will not ever have a successful, healthy relationship... but you will."
It was like a sledgehammer had slammed into my brain.
I try to hold on to my doctor's words. I really do. It's eased some of the still-intense pain that I feel. It gives me hope that one day, one day.... I'll find a person that I can relate to and that can relate to me.
I've met someone recently, through one of the myriad online dating sites. We seem to have a lot in common, but... he recently dropped a bombshell that he was "legally married, but hasn't seen her in years", blah blah. He's told me 4 days after meeting me, so perhaps he's on the up and up, but... I just feel like I can't trust him. I know that it's because of all of the shit I've been through. I know that. I'm still speaking with him, because after all - we're only friends. It's not went any further, and even if it did, it wouldn't happen right away, as he lives in Florida.
Why can't I meet someone that's decent, honest, and lives HERE, for Chrissake?
Ah, forgive me. I really should choose better music... I'm listening to a song that reminds me of ... well, the situation. Oddly, the lyrics sort of fit....
Babe, baby, baby, I'm gonna leave you I said baby, you know I'm gonna leave you. I'll leave you when the summertime, Leave you when the summer comes a-rollin' Leave you when the summer comes along.
Classic Led Zeppelin. I love it so. Only right now it's full of pain.
The overwhelming anxiety has finally disappeared. But I know I'm not the same. I don't laugh or smile anymore. My appetite has been reduced to nearly nothing (not that that's a bad thing, as I'm losing weight like crazy, heh). And even the smallest of triggers can reduce me to a sobbing ball of mush.
But I'll get over this. It's not my fault.... I'm normal. I'm normal. I have to hang on to those words... I'll recover and I'll be happy. Won't I?
After a very rough week, I have calmed down considerably. Although I'm still very sad over what has occurred (and to make a long story short, I've pretty much ended a tie that I've had for a very long time, ever since I moved back to Maryland)... it is time.
I once read a phrase that fits this situation very nicely. And that is: people come into and out of our lives for a reason.
At first, I thought, "What utter crap." But then, I got to thinking about it. And it's true. Nothing is really meant to last forever, is it? If it were, people would live forever, my best friend at 4 years old would still be my best friend... and a love relationship would last forever.
Life doesn't work that way.
The fact is that people change. Lives change. We grow apart. And it's very hard to let someone go after you've grown to depend on them, enjoy their company, spend time with them, share your life with them. The fact is that after a while, pain starts to outweigh pleasure. In truth, the situation I refer to began to hurt a very, very long time ago. I just didn't have the courage to cut the cord.
Until today.
I am free-falling now.... but in some ways, it feels good to know that I will never be hurt again by this. That I've learned valuable lessons to take with me into the void, where the next person I meet will benefit from that knowledge.
I'm very scared of the future. After all, six years is a very long time. But... just to live, one takes a chance. Maybe I'll make it and maybe I won't.
Several people have written me in the last few hours due to a rather cryptic Facebook status I put up earlier yesterday that simply said "bad, bad, bad, bad day".
First of all, rest assured that I'm as okay as I'm going to be. I'm not in danger, I'm not unable to function, and I'm eating, drinking, showering, living. So, no worries there. However... I'm currently dealing with a very personal, painful situation that has been a very long time in coming. It's culminated into ... I guess that one could say that I've reached the end of the rope, and I'm letting go.
For my own health and sanity, I must.
I never wanted things to come to this point, but it's now out of my hands. It's not under my control. And... what have I learned, boys and girls? I cannot control anything other than what I do.
Heh, that's become some kind of mantra for me, I think.
Healing will come, just like I've healed from other things. But I suspect that it'll be a long, long time before I can say that it no longer affects me.
It is now 5:15 in the morning, here, and it's dark and quiet outside. It resembles how I feel right now... dark, but quiet. I'm just going to be, for a while. Simply be still. I don't have to decide anything today. I don't have to do anything but simply be.
The death of a dream is always hard. But new dreams will come. I have to believe that. I have to, if I want to survive.
Thanks to a certain couple of people out here for listening to me... and for not judging me, or thinking that I'm pathetic. It gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll see my way through and out of this.
In the meantime.... breathe. Just breathe. And be.
Let me preface this post with a simple fact: my mother and I have never gotten along, nor do we get along now if we spend more than say 3 hours at a time together. I already know that if I ever have to live with her again (whether it's because of my having to take care of her, which isn't a far possibility, unfortunately or otherwise), my life would become utter misery. So, before, I'm accused of being an ungrateful brat (which has happened in the past) - try to remember that this is the woman that contributed to my abusive upbringing, even if it was caused by acts of omission.
I've done things over the last few years that have defied description, considering how things have been - I've bought her cruises, I've taken care of her basic needs such as shopping, medical situations, made sure that she's comfortable. People keep asking me why. "Why do you do these things? She's been absolutely horrible to you. Why do you keep sacrificing yourself on her altar?"
Because she's my mother. What can I say? If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't be here.
I won't mention the fact that I've bemoaned my own existence for a good portion of my life. That's immaterial to the gist of what I'm saying.
No matter what bad shit she's done over the years, or how many mistakes she's made, or how much I wish things could have been different for me - she's my mother. It would go against my personal grain for me NOT to take care of her or do for her. Maybe that makes me a sucker, I don't know. Maybe I'm a masochist. But it's what I am, and I'd be denying an essential part of myself if I don't extend myself to help her out.
It's not about love for my parent. It's about being who I am. It's about love for myself. If that makes sense.
So, happy Mother's Day, for those of you who are mothers, for those of you soon to be mothers, for those of you who wish you were mothers. This holiday, for me, isn't only about love for Mom... but for me.
In my voracious and continuous reading of other "relationship-oriented" sites, I've found that I'm beginning to use a lot of what people are talking about - even if I don't really have a partner to apply a lot of the knowledge to. In some ways, I'm treating my self as my "partner", and what I'm learning is beginning to filter through this cracked skull of mine. This can't be a bad thing, right?
Anyhow, to get to the point of this post - I read something this morning about "victim mentality" that really spoke to me. I'm guilty of a lot of the behavior in the writing that follows. But you can be sure that I'll be absorbing these "tips" and taking a lot of what's said here to heart.
Admittedly, this is a long, long article. But it's worth reading.
Just another piece in the re-building of my self-esteem and the making of who and what I want to be.
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"How to Break Out of a Victim Mentality: 7 Powerful Tips"
“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.” Richard Bach
“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.” John W. Gardner
One big problem a lot of people have is that they slip into thinking of themselves as victims that have little or no control over their lives. In this headspace you feel sorry for yourself, the world seems to be against you and you get stuck. Little to no action is taken and you get lost in a funk of sadness and self-pity.
So how can you move out of that mindset? In this article I’d like to share a few things that have helped me.
1. Know the benefits of a victim mentality.
There are a few benefits of the victim mentality:
Attention and validation. You can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out. On the other hand, it may not last for that long as people get tired of it. You don’t have to take risks. When you feel like a victim you tend to not take action and then you don’t have to risk for example rejection or failure. Don’t have to take the sometimes heavy responsibility. Taking responsibility for you own life can be hard work, you have to make difficult decisions and it is just heavy sometimes. In the short term it can feel like the easier choice to not take personal responsibility. It makes you feel right. When you feel like the victim and like everyone else – or just someone else – is wrong and you are right then that can lead to pleasurable feelings. In my experience, by just being aware of the benefits I can derive from victim thinking it becomes easier to say no to that and to choose to take a different path.
It also makes it easier to make rational decisions about what to do. Yes, I know that I can avoid risk and the hard work of taking action by feeling like a victim. But I also know that there are even more positive results if I choose to take the other route, if I make the better choice to take a chance and start moving forward.
2. Be ok with not being the victim.
So to break out of that mentality you have to give up the benefits above. You might also experience a sort of emptiness within when you let go of victim thinking. You may have spent hours each week with thinking and talking about how wrong things have gone for you in life. Or how people have wronged you and how you could get some revenge or triumph over them.
Now you have to fill your life with new thinking that may feel uncomfortable because it is not so intimately familiar as the victim thinking your have been engaging in for years.
3. Take responsibility for your life.
Why do people often have self-esteem problems? I’d say that one of the big reasons is that they don’t take responsibility for their lives. Instead someone else is blamed for the bad things that happen and a victim mentality is created and empowered.
This damages many vital parts in your life. Stuff like relationships, ambitions and achievements.
That hurt will not stop until you wise up and take responsibility for your life. There is really no way around it.
And the difference is really remarkable. Just try it out. You feel so much better about yourself even if you only take personal responsibility for your own life for a day.
This is also a way to stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead you start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you.
4. Gratitude.
When I feel that I am putting myself in victim role I like to ask myself this question:
“Does someone have it worse on the planet?”
The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. I understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life.
This question changes my perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps me to lighten up about my situation.
After I have changed my perspective I usually ask another question like:
“What is the hidden opportunity within this situation?”
That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on making yourself feel worse and worse.
5. Forgive.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do”. But forgiving can in a practical way be extremely beneficial for you.
One of the best reasons to forgive can be found in this quote by Catherine Ponder:
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again. The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too.
When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free too from all of that agony.
6. Turn your focus outward and help someone out.
The questions in tip #4 are useful. Another question I use when I get into the victim headspace is simply:
“How can I give value right now?”
Asking that question and making that shift in what you focus on really helps, even if you may not feel totally like doing it.
So I figure out how I can give someone else value, how I can help someone out.
And thing is that the way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big, big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself. For example, judge people more and you tend to judge yourself more. Be more kind to other people and help them and you tend to be more kind and helpful to yourself.
A bit counter intuitive perhaps, but that has been my experience. The more you love other people, the more your love yourself.
7. Give yourself a break.
Getting out of a victim mentality can be hard. Some days you will slip. That’s ok. Be ok with that.
And be nice to yourself. If you have to be perfect then one little slip is made into a big problem and may cause you to spiral down into a very negative place for many days.
It is more helpful to just give yourself a break and use the tips above to move yourself into a positive and empowered headspace once again.
Despite how it may look to most readers of this lovely little tome of mine, I do contemplate on heavier social and political matters from time to time. Nowhere was that more evident than tonight; if you keep up with the news, there was a real and serious threat of a government shutdown, which of course means that my job would be directly affected. Until approximately an hour ago, I was prepared to come to work on Monday morning and perform my duties, as difficult as they are, for no compensation. (I would have gotten paid eventually, considering that I am an "essential" employee - but my paychecks still wouldn't have been on time, disrupting my financial plans and so much more.) Luckily... I have been saved at the eleventh hour tonight, as the worthless idiots that make up our Congress have stopped bickering like whiny five year olds in the sandbox and have come up with a compromise.
Tonight, I am grateful that my job has been saved.
Tonight, I am grateful that I will continue to pay my mortgage, on time and in full.
Tonight, I am grateful that I am able to turn on my heat to combat the slight chill in the air. I am grateful that I will be warm and safe in my comfortable bed.
Tonight, I am grateful that I will eat another meal, and not worry about where it's coming from.
It's things like this averted shutdown that have made me realize just how very lucky I have it. Yeah, I suffer from mental illness. I suffer from avoidant personality disorder and my social life is in shambles. My track record with relationships sucks ass.
But I could have it so, so much worse.
Tonight.... I am TRULY grateful for everything I have.
So, here we are again; it's the annual "end of the year" post where I refuse to recap the past 12 months and insist that you go look it all up in the previous entries. :p
I think that I'm going to take a different stance on things this year, though, in that for once, I have a lot of things to talk about. I've been very loquacious these past two weeks - more so than I have been in the last two years. I'm talking, sharing, relating with people. It's a strange, heady feeling, but it's also not feeling false or forced. It used to be that I'd make an attempt at being sociable, and afterwards I would feel horrible, as if I'd talked too much or sounded tinny and false; which in retrospect, probably wasn't far off the mark. But I'm actually feeling pretty well today. Today is one of my "good days", I guess you could say.
So I'll just do a quick recap of the past year, through my eyes, which have been blinded for a good portion of the time... but the cobwebs are truly beginning to clear.
The best part of the year for me was easily buying this house back in April. This was the best move I have ever made for myself, bar none. I don't think that anything can compare to the knowledge that I have that this house is mine, that I will never be forced to move on because of circumstance or because I wasn't wanted somewhere. I still have a long way to go as far as getting the things that I need... but for the first time in... what may be forever.... I now feel that I have a real home.
Other highlights of the year include my finding my therapist, who has helped me more than I can ever say. I have come forward in great strides since August, when I began seeing him on a regular basis, and have knocked down some impenetrable walls since - all without drugs or being locked up. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for this, believe me, but I'm taking the tools that I'm slowly learning and using them for my good, and in the end for others' good as well.
I've learned that in order to love other people, I need to love myself first and foremost. I've learned that maybe being ethical isn't a bad thing. I've learned that perhaps honesty is the way to go, and I've learned that other peoples' shortcomings aren't necessarily my own. Last night, I had a long, good talk with a friend who has been through hell and back with me and this illness... I mean, I have seriously put him through the wringer with this shit. I told him that I've learned that I am the sum of my experiences - one bad experience does not make my whole life, nor does it make me as a complete person. I've learned that while there are bad things in one's life, and even whole blocks of bad times, there's also some good times and experiences in almost everything one does.
And I've learned that my family's mistakes aren't mine. I've learned that even though I've been abused, I can rise above it - that indeed, it is my duty to rise above it and make something out of myself. And I think I've begun that process. There's always more I can do, and more work to be done. But 2011 will be a part of that work, and if there's anything I've learned from this depression, it's that self-improvement can never harm, and always helps.
Pretty heavy stuff, huh? :)
Now... the worst part of the year, well. I'll be straight with you on this - in some ways, the worst part of the year actually turned me around and began the real job of healing. If you go back to late September, where I'd said that something horrible had happened to me and that I couldn't discuss it.... that is the worst part of the year for me. I will reveal that incident now - basically, I'd had a date with someone I'd met online, and it ended up that I was more or less raped. It wasn't a violent incident, but.... the details really don't matter, because when someone says no, no matter what part of the buildup you're in - if they don't stop, it's rape. And that's what it turned out to be.
I'll be frank with you. I considered suicide. I wanted to die. I was very, very close to taking a butcher knife out of the kitchen and driving it into my chest. I was violated, humiliated, thought that death was the only escape from all of the misery and depression symptoms. I couldn't cope. And I didn't tell anyone about it, because.... what could I really say? It was that old self-validation kicking in, the sense that I needed this asshole's approval to feel good about myself. Isn't that terrible?
But, you see... after that weekend, where I lay on my sofa, dry-eyed and burning with hate... that's when it all started to turn around for me. I had that choice in my hands... life or death. That knife in my hands would determine the course of my fate. And quite honestly, that was one heavy, heavy choice. To know that I had the power to end it all.... or to fight the disgust, anger, depression, the effects of the abuse that I've endured throughout my life. Was I really worth nothing more than peoples' scorn and abuse? Or was it up to me to make myself worth more?
Ever since that day, I have had a steel determination to never, never, ever let someone abuse me again - in any way, shape or form. The minute that boundaries are crossed, I cut them loose, and I don't allow anyone to take more than I'm willing to give them. I no longer accept being treated like a second-class citizen, from anybody or anything. If people don't like me, that's just too bad - they have a choice to not be around me, just like I have a choice not to be treated like garbage.
I'm not second-best. I'm not someone's option, I am a goddamn PRIORITY, and I will be treated like one!
So... that was the worst part of it for me. The cruise in September just before that wasn't nearly as awful, but it wasn't a huge success, either. I just don't think that cruising is the type of vacation I enjoy, and I probably won't go again. Otherwise, it's been kind of a quiet year, and one filled with self-discoveries and learning, some good and some bad.
Now, for the predictions of 2011. I don't do resolutions, you see, as calling them 'resolutions' is a sure way of making them not happen, heh.
Career: I think it's going to continue to be full of changes and improvements. If I receive another promotion next year, I'll be elevated to a GS-6, which isn't much more in the pay scale, but it's a huge step as far as levels are concerned. I am more or less satisfied with the job for the present time, though I need to start thinking about ramping up the skill set and maybe updating a few of my abilities.
Health, Mental: I seriously feel that I'm going to continue to improve on this front. I have never felt better than in the last 2 weeks. Yes, I continue to have some spells, but they're much shorter in duration and come during fragile times of the year such as the holidays or my birthday. Therapy continues. We shall see.
Health, Physical: I haven't been able to concentrate on this front in 2010, and I have unfortunately begun to see some deterioration in my body because of it. I still do not have the inherited family difficulties yet (varicose veins, respiratory issues, circulation problems), but they're slowly coming. I have had some disturbing physical symptoms appear due to my weight, which I am making a huge priority to do something about this year. I am considering doing a separate blog for this issue alone (which I shall surely share when the time is right). This isn't a resolution, okay; this is an issue that I am taking VERY seriously. I will be much healthier physically by this time next year, or there will be a damned good reason why, which in that case, I will seriously put the option of bariatric surgery on the table. I'm done with looking and feeling like a pile of crap. If I can work to heal my mind and be rid of this depression - I can lose this fucking weight.
I ask for everyone's support for this, because if I do have surgery, it will be a lifetime change that I will have to deal with, and it's very frightening.
Social Life/Relationships: No progress on this front in 2010. The last two weeks of this year have been a little abnormal, but it's because I'm feeling pretty well. Otherwise, there has been little to no change. I am not concerned about it, as I have repeatedly stated that I'm not ready for it. For 2011, I predict that there still won't be a lot of changes, though I think it'll get slightly easier. Time will tell.
Financial: I end 2010 in excellent financial shape. I'm hoping to have a lot more in savings and investments in 2011, though I'll always have a little bit of a shopping bug, probably more so than usual now because of the house. I'm not going to hesitate in treating myself to things, though, should I want something.
....and that's it. That's really all that I wanted to say tonight. Basically, I'm not unhappy to see 2010 depart, but at the same time, I feel that it was a year of transition for me, from desperately ill to recovering. Hopefully by this time in 2011, I can finally report that I'm doing much better. :)
This is the song that, for me, sums up how I feel 2011 will be. I hope that it is!
Happy New Year to all. May it be everything that you want it to be.
As always, most of the "good things" that happen to me may not really seem like much - but to me, it's very significant. :D
There was a time where I was very, very paranoid. I seriously thought that people were talking bad things about me behind my back, and when people removed me from "friend lists" or did something that left me out of their circle - whether deliberate or not - I became, in a word, hysterical. Because of that paranoia, you see. That was a big part of the depression for me, and it damaged much more than I can ever relate. Anyhow, getting back to the original train of thought... I went on a website today that I hadn't been to in a while, and noticed that a particular person wasn't on my friends list there anymore.
I know - bigfuckingdeal, right? Only back then, it would have been. I would have dissolved into tears when I saw that name missing from the list. Yes, I admit it - I was that aware of what was happening on social and other networks, that I'd notice that one person had removed me, and I would seriously take that as a personal affront. That's why Facebook, at first, was so difficult for me, because I'd notice that people I'd gotten into contact with would drop me for whatever reason they had, and - boom - instant paranoia.
Today? At first I felt that old, wild paranoia trying to come up - and trying. And trying. But it just... wasn't there. I stared at that screen and I just thought to myself, "Oh, well. Whatever." Within five minutes, I'd just shrugged it off. Within fifteen minutes, I wasn't even thinking any more about it. I'm only thinking about it right now because I marvel at how far I've come since those days, even if it's just a short amount of time.
This, to me, is proof positive that if I'm not recovered from my depression, I am well on the way toward handling it, toward dealing with it, toward living with it. I am healing. I am stepping forward into a new world, a new existence... a new life.
I am learning, bit by bit, to love myself.
I received some items that I'd ordered today - nothing more than sheets and towels from Macy's - but they came in the biggest box I'd ever seen, so after unpacking the goods, I put all of the boxes in the Macy's box for recycling. Then I looked around and realized that nearly all of the boxes in the living room are gone. The house is beginning to look like a home, instead of my possessions just scattered about. And I look around in this house of mine, with my things around me, and I just feel warm inside. This is my house, my things, my life. No one will ever tell me what to do in these four walls. What it does for my self-esteem, you cannot imagine.
Like I said, these are little things to most, but large-scale to me.
...sitting here on the train, that I've lived in a solitary, painful world for most of my life. Why is this a new revelation, you might say? Well... I guess that this whole thought process began while I was listening to my music and thinking about the events that transpired this weekend - which honestly wasn't all that much, just homework, therapy as always, and brunch with a friend on Sunday morning. But, during that brunch, I listened to my friend's plans of philanthropy - getting out into the world and making a difference for other people.
Now, at the time, I just kind of shrugged it off, as overly positive people tend to annoy the crap out of me, heh. But the more that I thought about that conversation, the more that I realize that I've been so closed off. I've never really felt too positive about anything, and I'll be honest - I used to feel guilty about that, guilt that I didn't have it in my heart to help others out or even to much care about whether other people did.
However, I've come to the realization that I can't start helping others out until I help myself. Until I'm further along in my healing process, I have to accept the fact that, for right now, I'm not going to be much good to anyone in that philanthropic sense. It's honestly a wonder, I think, that I still feel any sense of compassion at all, given the things that I've been through.
I plan on starting a volunteer position at BARCS around Christmastime. It's not really that much in the grand scheme of things - I'll be helping out homeless animals, setting up cats and dogs with potential adopters, that sort of thing. But it won't make me feel totally useless, I suppose, and it's a step in the right direction. That's really all I can manage right now as far as "helping out the world" is concerned. But maybe that's enough.
I have a long, long road back to sanity, still. It gets so tiring sometimes.
Little things make me realize that I'm so far away from achieving "normalcy" still. For example, when I was waiting to be seen at therapy yesterday, I was leafing through the doctor's pile of waiting room magazines - mainly because I was bored out of my skull and I like to read, heh - but it occurred to me that I hadn't even looked at a magazine since... I can't even remember when. Not even online. It's a small thing and maybe not really that important, but it's one of those things that make me wonder just how "out of touch" with my surroundings I really am. If that makes sense.
Bah. Sometimes I wonder if any of my rambling makes sense, heh.
So I've been scarce recently. As always these days, things are crazy busy, but I've also really not had too much to say. Nothing's much changed, but in my life that's always a positive.
I've been a bit antisocial as of late, without really knowing the reason as to why. I'm not mad at anyone, nothing's wrong, everything's peachy. I think that I'm going through a phase right now where I'm just kind of satisfied with my own company and I'm learning to enjoy that. My therapist would say that this is a great sign - maybe it is, because I've never just taken the time to relax and enjoy... well, my "self", if that makes sense. Still, I'm trying to make an effort to keep up with people, as I have enough trouble with making social connections as it is. I don't want to lose what little I've got, you know what I'm saying?
I felt really, really good this morning (both physically and mentally) coming in to work, which is not something that I'm much used to. It was weird, but there I was in Union Station waiting for the subway, tapping my heels to some silly song and feeling like dancing, of all things. Dancing? Now you know something isn't right, haha. Still, it was a shockingly good feeling. And one that I haven't had in a very long time.
Have I reached the end of this long, lonely road called depression, at last?
I don't really know the answer to that. I'm still seeing the therapist once a week, so I guess I need the help, and I don't foresee that ending any time soon. I can easily say that I feel I'm in a better mental place than I was a year ago, and even three months ago to be honest. I can say that I no longer have depressive attacks on a scale of "total annihilation". I am able to function, able to work, able to sleep normally. I take joy out of little things now, and get angry when it's warranted. The apathy is disappearing. The feelings of loss, dread, blackness, a life without a future, no longer come. I am no longer, at this time, suicidal.
Maybe, at last, I've learned that the person I've needed to really love all along was myself.
I've finally got a few minutes to write - that's how crazy it's been. Huge changes are in the works down at the lab, things that will impact the entire agency, and I've been smack in the middle of it all trying to work things out so that everyone will benefit (though all I'm going to end up getting out of the deal is more headaches from the addicts and a sore back). I can't really go into it at the moment, as I'm... well, not really supposed to know about the details (which translates to, I've been taken into confidence, so I can't talk about it). But all will be revealed by some time next month, so I'll definitely go into it by then.
The depression seems to have abated, or at least not flared up to any huge degree. I did have a moment earlier today where I just lost my temper - I have a huge amount of homework to finish this weekend (two labs and trying to set up an FTP account for my web design class, the latter being an exercise in futility because the instructions aren't correct and the instructor is zero help... and the former just being insanely work-intensive at a time where I have too much going on already). Anyhow, I admit to giving in to my frustration and just bursting into tears (though short-lived). It was refreshingly normal, actually. Perhaps I AM getting better!
I'll be able to catch up, so I'm not incredibly worried (at the moment). It just all FEELS as if it's crashing down onto my shoulders, ugh. I've caught a cold as well last week, so that doesn't help things.
I'm starting to learn that there's never really a time where things settle down so that one has no worries - it's just a matter of what degree something is going to worry you, I suppose.
Really, I can't complain too much right now. I'm alive, the depression has more or less taken a back seat, I have a roof over my head and food to eat, I'm following through with my no-soda determination (though this second week has been hard, I won't lie), I have a job. I'm okay. Reasonably content. Still, I can't help but feel that something's around the corner....
Suspicion, that's all. Just suspicion.
On a different note... I don't like reality television - therefore I don't like American Idol. I've never watched even a single episode of it, ever. But I HAVE heard the "efforts" of some of the, uh, winners of this show. The only one that I think has any talent whatsoever MAY (and I emphasize may) be Kelly Clarkson.
I heard this on one of my iPhone apps the other day. I actually rather like it.
It's been a crazy, hectic, somewhat irritating week... but somehow I'm managing to hold up amongst it all.
One of the main things that happened is that I have given up drinking soda in any format - diet or otherwise. I have had a huge diet Coke addiction for the last 20 years, and... I don't really know what spurred me to quit drinking it other than a slight, nagging feeling that "it was time". I know - it makes no sense. But as of tomorrow, it'll be the first full week in 20 years that I haven't drunk diet Coke, and the first full week in God-knows-how-many-years that I haven't ingested some kind of soda product. And honestly? I feel fine. It wasn't a death sentence. Just like I'm starting to realize that giving up a lot of things haven't been death sentences, and indeed.. might even be for the better.
My life is beginning anew. I am on the precipice of better times - I can feel that. And I'm ready for whatever comes next. Certainly the past five years have contained enough apathy and pain and futility to last a lifetime. I admit that a lot of it was caused by my own stupid self - but now I know better, and there isn't a day that I don't kick myself for allowing it to happen.
I'm not ready to really discuss that, yet. But someday I will be, and it'll be fine, just like it's fine now. I am at peace. I am content.
This therapy has helped me in ways that I didn't even find possible five years ago. Maybe my depression isn't a lifelong prison. Maybe I've even been let out of that prison. I don't know, and it's too soon to tell.
But I'm going to enjoy what I can, when I can. Life is too short for less.
So I had a pretty good therapy session yesterday. My doctor says that I'm making progress, without drugs and without excuses. I've come to think of his office as "my personal screaming place", because more often than not, I rail and rant and cry my eyes out in there. It's to the point where he has a box of tissues on the ready, because I always, always use them.
There's no doubt about it - this is easily the hardest undertaking that I've ever experienced. But I can slowly feel my mindset, my attitude, my whole life beginning to change. I still have moments where I feel the utter blackness, the lack of a future... but new thoughts are creeping into my empty brain, the realization that someone else's toxicity isn't either my fault or under my control. And I'm learning to just let go.
That sounds like such an easy thing to do... let go. But it's not as easy as people make it seem. I'm learning, though. Slowly, painfully, but learning.
I had the beginnings of lonely feelings last night. Instead of doing what I normally do (which would be either sinking into a deep, depressive funk and cry, or search frantically for someone or something to give me external validation and make me feel better - neither of which techniques work), I sought to find something that would make me laugh. And by God (pun intended), I found it.
Observe below. Yes, it's juvenile as hell. Yes, it's hysterical.
(For those of you who aren't familiar with the televangelist craze of the late 80's, the guy above is Robert Tilton, who used to run a megachurch out in Texas someplace and had a network TV show called 'Success N Life', from which most of these clips are taken. I remember it well. They used to show it on crappy little independent TV stations that were desperate to fill their airtime. Robert Tilton's "church" was exposed in 1991 on ABC News as a fraud.)
In any case, just watching that silly, sad video made me feel a lot better. And I didn't participate in any self-destructive habits to accomplish it. Therefore... well, I'm pretty proud of myself.
I'm not confident enough to say that my life is better - yet. But it's on an upswing, and after all I've been through, I guess that's good enough for me.
I think curling up for a nap with the kitteh sounds like a fine idea about now. :)
