Quick update. Very quick.

I'm tired as hell, so I'm just stopping in to let everyone know that I'm still alive.  :p  I've found out a couple of things over the last week that have pissed me off to no end (it mainly involves the situation with Recent D-bag, heh), but in truth.... it's seriously just starting to not matter to me anymore.  There was a time where such news would have crippled me for weeks.  Today, I barely gave it a thought.  Because that's how much it's worth - maybe a dismissive, "Whatthefuckever, dumbass", then on to the next thing.

Some exciting-ish news tonight, but I unfortunately can't share it yet - I've been requested to "hold back" for a while.  But it's definitely good news, and it's definitely something that I didn't expect to happen.  As soon as I get the "all clear" to share it, I surely will.

I know... mysterious!  But all will be revealed in time.

Finished my Christmas shopping today.  Christ, but it's been one expensive year.  But hey - this is so going to be worth it.  It's the first Christmas that I'll have in years that has meant anything to me.  It's the first Christmas I've not been all alone or lonely or depressed in nearly ten years.  I cannot wait for it.  As far as I'm concerned, that is priceless.

My life is going very, very well - maybe too well.  

More of an update later on when I have some time.  This weekend's going to be hellish busy, it's the last week of the winter semester and I have massive papers due.  No exams, though, thank Christ for that.

Until then.

Massive turkey-filled update!

As everyone can see, I've yet again done some major revamping of the blog.  I'm still not all that satisfied with the look; the red background with black accents is classy-looking (and as it's a combination of my two favorite colors, it's aesthetically appealing to me, personally), but... I sort of miss the "tight" look of the old black background with the cityscape header.  I really, really dislike the header now, but I don't really have much time to create a new one.  Once I manage to get some more time (yeah, right), I may fuss with it again.

In the meantime, you'll have to take what you get.  :p  At least it looks somewhat festive for the holidays.  I guess that's what I was trying to get at, but I think red and green as a combination blows chunks, myself.

I'm feeling better now that Thanksgiving is over and done with.  I had Greg and my mother over; she actually behaved herself for a rare switch.  My mother likes Greg (well, as much as she can like any man, I suppose); this has proven to be an extremely rare thing.  She's never liked anyone I've dated, and unfortunately that dislike has seeped into my relationships in one form or another.  I'm still convinced that she's angry and bitter over my father's betrayal all those years ago - which isn't my fault, but somehow I and my brother paid the price for that anyway.  But, anyway.... the feast was a success, at least in my view it was; so that can't be a bad thing.  Since Greg has to work a whole lot right now (the curse of the holidays, sigh), I'm spending my weekend just catching up on things; basic chores, putting up decorations (I know, since when did I decorate for the holidays???), listening to music, doing schoolwork, etc.

School is going fine, I guess.  I'm not all that convinced that the instructor teaching the public policy course actually knows anything of what he's doing, though.  But I have to try and get through it, as it's of course a required class.  The film course is as I'd expected, a lot of fun, and I've been seeing some really good black-and-whites as of late.  "Strangers on a Train" was the last one - Hitchcock, of course - man, was that Robert Walker character a creepy one or what?  Left impressions on me that'll last for weeks.

The job front is as always; nerve-plucking, irritating, lazy-assed coworkers that can't get shit right.  In other words, as usual.  But I did apply for a project specialist job with the same agency, and I made the referral list twice - which means two upcoming interviews.  God, I'm nervous.  I haven't had to do one of these in over 4 years, and I've never been good with interviewing; but, shit, I did the drug lab interview at the height of my depression and I managed to get that, so I suppose that I shouldn't worry so much.  In any case, I'm waiting on a call from the selecting officials, so we'll see what happens.  As always, more shall follow.

I'm making (as of now) fluid plans to maybe buy a new car; Greg promised to teach me how to drive and get this bullshit with the MVA sorted out.  I really think they fucked up down there; okay, I'm half-blind, but I know damn well I can see well enough to drive, so I'm going to try yet again and not go through the Medical Advisory Board, not yet.  I hope I won't need to, but we'll see.  I'll probably do this in March or so, if I do it.  Still pondering things.  Despite my woeful financial state, my credit is actually excellent (over 700) - now I just have to keep it this way.

Contemplating cancelling therapy for good.  I find that I need it less and less, and when I do go down there, I find that I just don't have that much to talk about anymore.  I just want to make sure that I don't need it because I'm healthy enough to go on without it, not because Greg's here and seems to be my salvation in everything.  That's exactly what I don't want to happen - Greg is a beautiful addition to my life.  But not "my life"; as I've said before.  Right now, things are going well.  We've celebrated six months together as of yesterday, and while it's not the wild limerance of the early days, it's comfortable and happy and we're establishing routines, getting to know one another well, spending time together.  It's proving to last beyond the initial excitement; and isn't that what everyone wants out of a relationship?

I've had a great deal to be thankful for this past Thanksgiving, and I'm incredibly grateful for all I do have.  I'm not very religious, admittedly, but I do think that blessings have finally come my way.  I'm determined to enjoy them, to not feel guilty for enjoying them, and to make the most of what I have and what I'll continue to receive.

Hey.... I think I've finally grown up.  :)

Anyhow, I've rambled on long enough, so I'll conclude here.  I don't get a lot of chances to write anymore, and even when I do, I find that I have little to really say that's different.  Perhaps I'll start doing the old "memes" again, or find something to expound upon that'll be interesting.  I'm really glad that it's not a bunch of complaining anymore.  I'm glad I'm not that person anymore.

I'm healthy, happy, loved, and fulfilled.  What more can one ask from life?

Ciao for now.  :p

Word of the week: discursive. (Snicker.)

In all honesty, I'm really feeling way too tired to post anything tonight. There's been a lot going on, though, as usual. It's funny how my life's turned from a slow-motion, depression-filled drag to one that's almost warp-speed and full of action. Is it bad to say that I actually long for a bit of ... well, I guess that "calm" isn't really the word I'm looking for, but perhaps I could use "dilatoriness" instead. (Hah... now who's the vocabulary vixen, Mr. Greg? Lawl.)

I was ruminating over my upcoming "end of year" post, thinking about everything that's happened to me since January. To be sure, this has been one hell of a wild year, and I'm sure that the last month and a half will be no different. In truth, I don't think I really want it any other way. After the last six years of pain, depression, sadness and tears.... I welcome everything that has happened to me in the last six months.

That is going to be one long-assed post, let me tell you.

So, a quick fill-in on everything that's happening:

- My (should be) final orthopedic appointment is tomorrow morning. The doctor will check out my wrist, but in all honesty, there's really nothing more he can do for me. My wrist is as healed as it's going to be. There's still some pain in the arm, a bit of stiffness, but there's not much I can do except live with it. I can use my arm again, I can write and type and lift things (though heavy items are still kind of unknown - I haven't pushed myself that far yet - once the doctor tells me for sure that the bones are healed, I'll try that out when I get the opportunity). That's all I can ask for.

- I dropped a heavy can of tomatoes on my big toe, and over the last few weeks, the nail's been slowly coming off - bit by painful, bloody, nasty bit. It finally fell all the way off tonight. Eeeeww. That's all there is to be said about that - just, eeeeww.

(This has NOT been a good year for me, medical-wise, unfortunately.)

- OB appointment went fine. There was a minor issue, but nothing that is life-threatening or massive, and I am in the clear until next year. Unfortunately, that's the year the stupid mammograms and Pap tests start - and Dr. Lynch is insistent about it, sigh. For once, I have a really great OB, though; she's sensitive to the fact that I have issues with this whole thing. Thank Christ for Fed insurance, man - I have the best doctors I could ask for.

Considering that I spent 20+ years abusing my body and never seeing doctors, ever, for anything - I'm amazingly healthy.

School is going well. The film class is a real blast - I love it. I get to watch movies with Greg on the weekends, which is not only accomplishing homework, but it's great bonding time as well. I love cuddling up with the Mister and watching the old black and whites or a good action film. I couldn't ask for a better way to do homework. :) The public policy class is, as I thought, boring, but it's flexible as far as class assignment dates (so far) and that helps. I've only had one grade so far in there, but it's a 90, so I can't be too upset about that.

I am seriously, seriously considering going on for a master's after I graduate. I know, it means spending more money in loans - but what the fuck? What do I have to lose? At UMUC I can also get a dual degree - an MS in crim management and an MBA at the same time - it's only 18 additional credits. Again - what the fuck? If it means I've accomplished something good, so be it, right?

I've also considered going for a health degree or certification as well, though. Time enough to think about that - I just want to get the B.S. done first.

It looks like I will, and very shortly, too. :o I'm amazed at myself, really...

Greg and I will celebrate 6 months together on the day after Thanksgiving. It's still as good as day one. The crunch, as we both tend to say, is still in the cookie. We've settled into a routine, the two of us, and while it's not all sunshine and roses (we both work an awful lot, and bad schedules at that)... it's a beautiful thing we've got.

I hesitate to let down my guard, or relax completely, not yet. But he's great for me. I hope that it's reciprocated.

And so concludes another update of my boring, yet queerly interesting at the same time, life. I look back on old entries - a year, 2 years ago at this time - and it's like a different person wrote them. Another world. Another life. Was that really me?

This new world of mine feels good. Really good. :)

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." - Ernest Hemingway

As always, I have little bits and pieces of thoughts throughout the week or during the periods of time where I don't write. Things that pop into my brain - "hey, yanno, I really should write about that" - only to have them disappear into the ether. What I should do is write them down as they occur to me, but even if I do (and I've tried), I usually decide that it's not really worth expounding upon later, for the most part.

You'd never know that I actually used to write on a creative level when I was younger. Not by the disjointed posts you see here today, anyway. I'd love to get back into that, but I don't feel that I have enough talent to do it, or originality to be honest. When I go back over the few writing pieces of mine that exist today (mainly really bad poetry on Literotica and the like), I cringe with complete embarrassment. That's usually a sign that I'm not cut out for the writing scene, heh.

Just that I'm thinking about trying to start again, though... that's as close to "normal" as I can ever remember being. Writing used to be my passion, what I lived for, and I might have had a shot at it if it hadn't been for a really painful experience when I was younger.

Yes, folks, here it comes. I'm purging yet another painful memory. Get ready.

Between the time I was about, oh I'll say sixteen or so, and nineteen... I was ass-deep in the writing of a book, an actual book. It doesn't matter what it was about now - something about a smart-alecky cat traveling the country having Kerouac-like adventures - but it was really, really good, or so I thought. I'd written, written, rewritten, revised, gotten critical opinions, revised again... etc. I was actually going to try and publish the damned thing, more fool me. At nineteen, I had a lot of dreams, still.

To make a long story short, the asshole that I was with at the time was abusive - in body, mind and spirit. This is the only douchebag that ever dared to hit me on a physical level, and to this day I don't know why I ever stayed with him - I guess I was conditioned to take that abuse, just like I was conditioned in childhood to accept emotional abuse and neglect.

This asshole, in a fit of rage, ripped up my book. The only copy I had. You see, there were no computers accessible back then to the general public - you had to have serious money to afford one in those days, which I didn't have. So... no copies. No way to get anything back. He took each page, and deliberately ripped it in halves, quarters, eighths. Scattered them all around the rooms. It was a big, huge, hurtful "Fuck you, bitch - you're nothing. Your so-called "talent" is shit."

I cried for weeks. That crushed my spirit like nothing else could have. At nineteen, something profound died within me. I've never been able to retrieve it since. Not ever. I have never written a word on a creative level since. Only bad, inept, stuttering poetry that is a fraction of the ability I used to have. Something inside of me still hears that limpdick's voice, echoing that sentiment. "I'm nothing. I'm shit."

Isn't that awful?

It doesn't matter how many people tell me differently, either. I just can't seem to get over that one thing, the destruction of something that I poured my heart and soul into for almost 4 years of my life. I guess you just had to be there to understand the depth of the pain.

Just the fact that I'm thinking about writing again, or even trying is a huge, huge positive sign that maybe I'm returning to the young, idealistic woman I used to be. Believe it or not... I did have hopes and dreams once, underneath all of this hurt and all of the tears I've cried incessantly since I was old enough to walk, pretty much.

Ugh, tears again. Always more tears. But it means I'm healing, doesn't it? Even if it seems to take absolutely forever.

I'm finally accepting the hurt, the pain, the fact that I endured abuse heaped onto yet more abuse. I'm finally getting that it happened and that I can't pretend it didn't and that I can't change it. But when am I going to get to forgiveness? I'm conscious that forgiveness is for myself, a way to keep people out of my head and heart... I'm getting that, too. But when is that going to happen? Am I going to carry all of this darkness within me forever?

Questions, questions, yet more questions. I want answers, damn it.

Heh, I can hear Greg's voice in my head now going, "Paaaaayyyy-shence."

Quick update on the rest of my life, here:
- Greg and I are doing wonderfully fine. Now past the 5-month mark and counting down to half a year. Hard to believe that this wonderful man is still with me, despite all. <3
- I just won the annual incentive workplace award, again, for the third year in a row. Which essentially now means that I'm set for life here, should I want to be. Not that I want to take urine for the rest of my life, that's for sure.
- School is in full swing again. This time I'm taking film history (wonderfully fun) and public safety policy (boooooring, yawn). Semester ends December 18th, hopefully I'll pull good marks.
- My wrist is more or less out of the soft cast (though it's not supposed to be yet, but I can't stand wearing the fucking thing one more day). It aches, it's VERY stiff in the mornings, but that's the way it goes. It's liveable. I can deal with it.

And that's it, for now, I guess.

Cheers from the verbal vomitorium. :p

Wheeeeeee! :p

Wow, things have been going batshit crazy my way recently. I guess this is the time to do a massive (if I can) update. I've actually been wanting to write for a little while now, but I've put it off because I didn't want to try to type out a long post with that stupid cast on.

First of all, the hard cast on my wrist came off on Wednesday, though it's not completely healed as of yet - I still have a soft brace on and will have it on for the next six weeks. It's a fair trade, though, if I can wash my arm and scratch my own skin - believe me when I tell you that I'm relieved beyond belief. I am now able to dress myself, for the most part, as well as type with all of my fingers again. Still no lifting for a while, though - even a full bottle of water is too much for me at this point. Hopefully the swelling and bruising will go down soon.

(Warning: If you're squeamish about women's health issues, or if the word "gynecology" scares the crap out of you, proceed to where it says "END" in bold. I understand if you don't want to read about my female plumbing - trust me, I won't be hurt. :p )

I also went to the OB to discuss tubal ligation - just like I'd promised I would way back when. Apparently there are other issues going on, though, which means I need a pelvic sonogram and comprehensive bloodwork. I already know what's going on - there's a definite hormone imbalance and has been for some time, I don't need a return visit for them to tell me that. Question really boils down to, what are they going to do about it.

Oh, I cried throughout the exam. It was horrible. I just couldn't get a hold of myself. Thank Christ Greg was there to support me through it, or I don't know if I'd have ever stepped foot into the place. Luckily, my OB is very sweet and understanding of my fears - so I do feel I'm in good hands. I hated the exam, but I'm glad I went - this encourages me to take a lot better care of my health, I think. It's time I did that. I don't have the excuse of no health insurance anymore!

(END of squeamish portion of the program. You little pussy. :p )

School is going... eh, so-so. I don't think I'm going to get real good scores on the classes I have right now, but then I didn't plan on breaking my wrist and being in doped-up, intense pain for most of the semester, either. I'm not killing myself over it - if I fail, then I fail. I'll take it over again, I don't (and won't) have any other choice.

This has been a really crazy month, though. Work has been about the same, though we again have a new manager and he's making some pretty serious changes to the day-to-day operation of the unit (in this case it's mainly good things), so that's something to get used to. I've been settling in with life in general - Greg and I still have a wonderful relationship and we've been getting along great. While my guard is still up (mainly on an unconscious level now, though), I do think that things just may work out after all. We have plenty of time still ahead of us, so in the meantime, I'm just enjoying, enjoying, enjoying it.

Lots of events have been going on as well - we went to the Baltimore Book Festival this year, we're going to Kings Dominion in a couple of weeks, RenFest this weekend - then the holidays coming, and that'll be a big thing because it'll be our first together.... yeah. Life's been nuts, but it's also been a ball. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. :D

Of course, there's always that other shoe. But I'm slowly gaining faith that it just might not fall. Maybe.

Not much else to tell at the moment. My wrist is beginning to ache, though, so it's probably best to close out for now.

Now leaving the Twilight Zone....

I've been busy over the last week. As I've probably mentioned a few times on my social networking accounts and elsewhere, I've received my bed, it's set up, and I've been sleeping like a fiend all week long. Ever since, though, I've been doing more around this house than I have in the last 10 months combined - probably because I really don't have any more excuses to put it off, but also because the bed just looks so damned good set up and it's starting to tie together, if you will. There's finally things on the walls, though I still don't have nearly enough, and I'm beginning to get down to the business of taking stock, figuring out what I need, etc.

I know that I should have been doing this - hell, I should have finished this over six months ago. Better late than never, I guess.

Today has been a day of thinking for me. There's something on my mind that's been weighing heavily for a very long time, something that is finally beginning to release its once very, VERY powerful hold on me. I wish that I could begin talking about it, but it's still something that 1. remains quite painful in a lot of respects and 2. is quite recent and therefore fresh, something that I've not fully dealt with yet. It's not earth-shattering, trust me, but the situation more or less ruled my entire life for the last few years. Even a few months ago, I wasn't able to deal very well with it. Certain things that have been tied to this situation still hurt, like some music... some places... watching certain things. I'm beginning to take some of these things back, one piece at a time. But... it's beginning to fade away into the background. I know that I'm being vague about this, and I don't mean to be, but it's... still not something I can discuss yet. I will, one day, when I feel safe.

Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't feel at all sad about it. Sure, one of these days I'd love to be in a good relationship with someone - but until that day comes, I'm not going to lament over it. For the first time in my life, I am OKAY with being single. My life is finally my own, and I have no one to answer to. If I want to be honest with myself, I'm not really sure I want to give that much of myself away to someone. With very few exceptions, I've always been hurt when I've done that, and I won't risk being hurt like that again.

It'll have to be someone that's beyond, beyond, BEYOND special for me to give away even a small piece of my heart again. And we all know how rare that is.

The person that I had been exchanging Emails with back in October recently wrote me after a 4 month absence, saying that "he'd been thinking about me". That's nice, I guess, though my enthusiasm is dampened by the fact that he didn't bother to write me back - for 4 months. Somehow this isn't a compliment, I'm thinking. I gave him a response, but it's not likely I'm going to forget the lapse. Maybe that's harsh, but I'm just extremely cautious about who I'm going to let into "the inner circle". AvPD at work again, go figure.

Things are okay, otherwise. Work is still a huge pain in the ass, though it's starting to settle down once again (unless it's ME, which it could very well be - I've not been in a real great mood this week, but then that was obvious from my last post). I have to do another Saturday shift tomorrow, the second in two weeks, but then they'll leave me alone until May - just in time for school starting up again. I need to get on that, actually, because I have to decide what classes are next. I'm going to try three courses this semester instead of two - probably not the best of ideas, but I need to get jump-started on this degree. I don't want to still be in school 10 years from now. Or be in hock for yet more school loans. I'm already up over 10 grand in school loans - ugh, I saw that and I nearly cried, sigh.

It is what it is. It'll be worth it.

More later.

Starting to wind down.

The end of the year is fast approaching, and I've actually been ruminating over my annual "how did I do this year" post a bit early. Oh, I'm not going to do it right now, obviously. But I find it striking that I'm actually thinking about it this soon. I suspect that I'm very eager to "shut the books", if you will, and get on with this business of living for myself in '11. Some might say that this is a positive thing, my looking ahead, and I tend to concur that it is. I'm definitely in a much better place than I have been in some time.

My tenure with urine is about to come to an end, starting on January 3rd. All of the female testers will move to another unit - however, I shall not be going with them, at least that's what I'm hearing. The plan is that I shall stay at my current unit and do strictly computer work. To be honest, I'm not at all sorry about it. I've dealt with enough piss to fill a small lake over the years, and there are times where the women are so much more worse than the men, both in attitude and in personal hygiene. It's not all going to be peaches and cream, though: I still have to deal with the males while on the computer, and they tend to be nasty as well, but I won't have to deal with their body fluids - I can't ask for more than that. I'm hoping and praying that these next two weeks will go speedily.

The semester, for me, is over. I have exams this upcoming Wednesday. As usual, I'm not really feeling anxiety over them, though to be honest I haven't studied. I'm really weird about classes - I'll agonize over the actual work, but when it comes to taking tests, I don't feel much nervousness. I guess that's because I figure that I'll either know the material by then, or I won't. Not much to beat myself up over, I suppose. Anyhow, I'm profoundly relieved, because this past semester was difficult in a lot of respects. I have about six months off now, though, or at least until May, so I could definitely use the rest. I plan on getting this house together now that I've received my tax credit, spend a little time getting my life back together again.

I've decided not to go to New York for the new year, at least not this time - the reason being that I made my decision a little too late. I really need time to plan this out, not just go on the spur of the moment - especially with the terrorism threat level being so high right now. There's going to be more security up there than Fort Knox, and I'm not prepared to deal with it. I was thinking about going up on the night train, but from what I hear, Times Square is full by 4pm, and I'm not prepared to stand out in the freezing cold for 8 hours without getting things together. So I'm going to skip it this time, maybe I'll go next year. Or maybe for Thanksgiving, as I've always wanted to see the Macy's parade in person. I'll have to actually remember to mark it down, though, as I tend to forget until the holidays roll around again. Then I sit on my sofa that morning and say to myself, "Y'know, I think I'll do this... if I can remember." Hah. My mind's like a sieve, bleh.

I do plan on traveling a little more next year, even if it is just on the spur of the moment. Hop a train to New York and go shopping for the day, etc. I really need to start doing these things!

I've lost 4.2 pounds. I know, not a huge deal, but it is for me. I'm actively trying to lose weight now - that's yet another of my goals for '11. I'm not going to call these things "resolutions", because the minute I do that, I know it'll go by the wayside, and this is just too important to me, enough so that I'm honestly trying to do something about it instead of talking about it. Maybe I'll report on this week by week - that way I'll have some kind of a record and some kind of accountability to myself. Though I'm not going to put my starting weight. Oh, hell, no. Maybe if I ever get to where I want to be, I'll share that with you all so that your mouths will drop and you'll go "ZOMG we're so proud of you". Wouldn't that be something? :p

I'm a talkative soul this morning, but I have to run. I'm heading to Lowe's today to pick up some necessities for the house, like a ladder, a snow shovel, shit I'm going to need this winter. Just realized that if there's a blizzard this year, I have to clean off the entire corner. Sucks to be me. Meh.

Well, not really. :D

Peace, out.

Happy thoughts.

The school semester is beginning to wind down, which for me is a profound relief. If there's one thing that I've learned from the past couple of months, it's not to take a biology course in tandem with a web design course. Ugh - what a pain in the ass it's been. I really don't know how well I'm going to do in either of these courses. I think I'll be all right with the biology, but the web design is touchy. It doesn't really matter, of course, as it's not required to obtain my degree. But I hate to think that I've wasted any time (as well as money, ugh). It has sparked a bit of an interest in CSS, though, and I may apply what I've learned toward redoing the entire design of this blog. I'd like to work on that, piecemeal, as I can. But I'll have to fit that in along with everything else I've been trying to do. It's been exhausting, to say the least.

I haven't been sleeping very well this week, not since Thanksgiving Day. It's not because of any underlying health problem or because I'm depressed - that's not it. I think it's just a matter of being totally thrown off schedule. It's funny, but you never realize how structured your life is (or can be) until your routine is completely interrupted. I've discovered that I rather like routine, something that shocks me, because I never really thought that was true about myself. I've made a lot of self-discoveries, though, in the last year, and I suspect that I'm on the brink of a lot more.

My tax credit money showed up this week. Lots to do now, I think. I'm paying off most, if not all, of my credit card bills with it, and now I can start with a clean slate - by Monday at the latest (I'm headed to the bank tomorrow, but they'll need a day or two to process everything). Then my creditors will be in for a rude shock, because I'm paying off the entire bill - they can suck it. The only bills I want now are my mortgage, my school loans, and the bill for the TempurPedic bed that I'm going to get (and yes, I'm going to have to finance that, we're looking at thousands of dollars - but it's worth it if I can sleep decently). Indeed, possibilities have now opened up far and wide. I'm looking forward to it, because now I can begin what's left of the rest of my life.

It's a little frightening to think about how far I've come in the last 2 years - never mind in the last 5. I really try not to stress over it, though, because as we know, stress is my enemy.

I'm doing a lot better, a HELL of a lot better, now than I was this time last year, in almost every way possible. The holidays are actually not affecting me, not the way that they did, anyhow. If I were to go away for a short trip this year I think I would actually be able to handle it mentally, but I believe I'll be staying home and just enjoying the quiet and the solitude. I was even thinking about buying some holiday decorations for the house - garland for the railing, candles in the windows, that sort of thing. Probably too late to do it now, but once everything goes on sale after Christmas, I may consider it. This is a far, far cry from sitting on a beach in Ocean City and thinking about doing myself in. This is progress!

Still, I'm cautious. I've said this so many times before. I've gotten my hopes up, only to have them not dashed, but steamrolled. But I'm staying as positive as I can.

I'd like to know when the epiphany happened, though. Or exactly what switch flipped inside of my head so that I'm no longer the sick, broken person I used to be. Because I'd destroy that switch so that it could never, ever flip back.

Ah, I'm rambling at this point and I need to open up the lab in a few minutes. But I wanted to just share my good feelings this morning, as it's relatively rare and I know that those of you who still bother to read this thing enjoy them so.

More later.

Starting to feel the exhaustion.

It's strange, but I find that when the depression was much worse than it is now, I actually had a better grip on things as far as school and work and juggling schedules were concerned. Now that I'm not feeling as badly anymore, it's all starting to crash down onto my shoulders. I have been so freaking tired lately, and I can't figure out why. My grades are definitely starting to slip - I received a C on my last biology paper, which for me is not usual. But what I've noticed is that I'm actually beginning not to stress over a low grade - Jesus, who cares when I can barely hold my head up at the end of a workday?

Lots of bad news coming from that quarter, by the way. No, my job is fine - trust me, as long as there's drugs in the nation's capital I will always have a job, heh - but I'm losing a couple of key benefits at the end of the year, mainly the cost of living increase (it's been frozen for the next two years - I'm sure you've heard about it by now, and if you haven't, go here) and the reduction of my transit benefit. The pay freeze doesn't really bother me, to be honest - I'm willing as a federal worker to do my part and it's not like I'm missing it, anyway. But I am upset about my transit benefit, because the cost of my ticket is going to double - and that's an expense I can ill afford right now. Unfortunately, there's really nothing I can do but roll with it and try to make things work. Methinks it may be time to sell off a few things again.

And people think the Federal government pays so well. Hah! If only they knew!

Tuesday again. Coming off of a double shift from last night. How the fuck do I manage to keep going? Seriously, just...how? I am exhausted, in more ways than one. I'm counting down the days to December 15th when I can get my stupid exams out of the way and then take OFF from school altogether until June. I can't wait for that. Maybe by then I'll have the tax credit done (so they keep telling me, anyway), pay off these damned bills that are still on my back, finally get this house together after nearly a year of living in stark emptiness. Wouldn't that be nice, right?

Meh. I just want this day over with. I'll deal with the rest later.

Cheers.

Ugh, I just can't win!

Not too long ago, I was complaining that everything was going too slow, that I couldn't seem to get my life moving. Now it's going too fast. I'm starting to lose control of things again, but it's not because of depression. I have increased responsibilities at work, my classes this term are very difficult, I have to make time for therapy on the weekends... and my down-time is squeezed to almost nothing.

I'm starting to burn out.

I failed a biology quiz this weekend, and my web design class... well, I won't even go into that. The guy is a total idiot. Unfortunately, I can't drop it because my financial aid will be in danger, so I have to make the best of it. I will tell you now that I absolutely hate these two classes, both of them. I don't need the web design so much, but I DO need the biology, so I have to try the best I can to pass this shit so I don't have to take it again.

I shouldn't be panicking over failing one quiz. But I admit that I haven't been preparing for this stuff as much as I should. I just don't have the time to devote to this as I once did - but how do I quit now? I'm already nearly ten thousand in the hole for school loans, I'm going to quit now and not get anything out of it? It's not happening.

I'm just going to have to MAKE time, I don't have a choice.

It's funny, but when I was a lot sicker than this, I wasn't concerned over it. Now I'm "better", but panicking. Again....I just can't win.

I've been kind of frustrated these past few days. I don't really know what's going on with me, to be honest. It's not a depressive attack and I don't feel one coming on, but I also don't feel "myself", either. I think I'm scared over this school business. I know I'm not doing very well right now, and I really don't want to fail this shit. But, eh, maybe I need to. That's one of the core problems that I've always had, the fear of failure, because of the approval bullshit connected with that - again, external validation. When am I going to learn that it's OKAY not to be good at everything?

As long as I get a C in these courses, I've passed them. What is the big fuckin' deal?

Maybe it's something to discuss in therapy today, I don't know.

Other than this, though, I'm okay. Nothing of disastrous proportions has happened, heh.