The triumphant return of the Saturday 9.

Ladies and gentlemen....since my health is now much better, I am proudly announcing the triumphant return of:



I haven't done these kinds of things in a very long time.  It's nice to be able to focus on something other than my craziness for a switch!  :)


1. “Everybody lies. But it's alright because nobody listens.” is one of Bud's Law's. What do you lie about?


I want to say, "nothing at all", but that would be a lie in itself, so.... I guess I'll have to say my weight.  :(  Those who are closest to me know the truth - like it's hard to hide, haha.  To quantify this statement; I don't necessarily lie about it, but I also don't talk about it either, and if one were to ask me I'd either lie my face off or go the honest, but brutal route;  i.e., "none of your freaking business".

2. When you purchase a DVD, what besides the the movie itself, what do you enjoy the most? Is it the director's commentary, the deleted scenes, the bloopers or the behind-the-scenes documentary? 


It depends on the content, to be honest.  When I purchased the Dave Chappelle series, I loved the "goofs" reel; it made me laugh like crazy.  But with full-length movies, it's usually deleted scenes or behind-the-scenes documentary features.  I usually compare the entire movie to the list they maintain on imdb and try to "spot the errors".  


I know.  I'm weird like that.

3. What would you most like to accomplish before the year is over? 


Honestly, I'd like to graduate from college before 2011 ends, but seeing that I still have 35 credits left to go before that can be done, I don't see it happening.  :p


4. What is your current percentage of online shopping? Is it going to be more this year than last?


When I do shop, it's 95% online, mainly because I don't have access to a car right now and there isn't much choice in inner city Baltimore (right now, anyway).  Even if there were, I only have two hands and I can't really take heavy things home on the light rail.  If you're asking this question in the Christmas vein, I've bought all I'm going to for this year.

5. What's left to do at your place (or where you are going)? Is the tree up? ...or maybe you're just happy you found that fave Christmas coffee mug and are calling that good? 


Everything is up and decorated.  My house is still a bit skimpy on the decorations because I just don't have enough, but next year I'll be a bit more prepared.  Considering that I haven't decorated at all for the past six years, I think it looks pretty damned good.  :)

6. If you could get worry free, cost free plastic surgery, would you? If yes, where?


No, I wouldn't.  One of the things I've had to learn over the course of my depression is to accept myself for who I am, flaws and faults and all.  If others can't accept me, that's on them - it's no longer my problem.  


7. Do you think the child you were growing up, would like the adult you've become? 


This is a very hard question for me; because the child was abused and neglected.  I didn't have much of a choice in becoming the adult that I have.  Everything that I've had to do in my life was borne from a survival instinct; first to survive the abuse, then to relearn new coping skills and techniques (that I'm still not sure I've gotten "down" quite yet, to be honest).  I continue to struggle with fundamentals.  But I'm learning and growing, every day.  That's what matters.  :)

8. What will you miss about 2011?

I want to say my sense of self-discovery, of reawakening to the joys of life; does that make sense?  It's so hard for me to explain how I've felt this past year, because it's all happened so fast, so suddenly... one day I felt like killing myself, wanting to die, dragging, uninterested in life... then my life did a 180, just like that.  The depression fell away like a healing scab over a wound.  It was just there one day, then... it was gone.  I can't even explain what happened, or why.  But I'm grateful.  The last six months have been cataclysmal.  A huge awakening from a long-term nightmare.  If nothing else, I will miss the feelings I had when I stepped out of the darkness and into the sunlight.  In so many ways.

9. What is something you'd love to see invented?


I thought Rita Mae Brown's idea of a light-up umbrella so you could find your way home on dark, rainy nights was a rather clever one, myself.


Wow.  It's been a long, long time since I did one of these.  I'm exhausted!  :D


One quick piece of news:  my friend Cathy has a lovely blog about being a big, fat couch potato.  Okay, well, not really the last phrase.  But her blog is awesomesauce.  Check it out here.

Enough, biatches.  I'm for bed.  Love and stuff.  <3

A strange kind of peace.

It's weird, but the last few days I've been feeling pretty good. I went out bowling today and hit the best game of my life (129... okay, so that's not awesome or anything but for me, it's the best I've ever done, so fuck you, heh)... then saw "Sherlock Holmes", which was okay at best (in my opinion, anyway. Robert Downey Jr. did do the title role well, I'll admit). Had a great sushi dinner at XS on Friday night. And watched the Ravens game on Saturday night, where they played horribly (did they deserve to lose that game, or what, ugh).

During the course of this busy weekend, I've realized that... I've not had a chance to be depressed, or upset, or anything. I can't remember when I've felt better, for all that.

I think that I'm truly beginning to let go of certain demons that have plagued me. How do I feel about that? Honestly... in some ways I'm sad that things never worked out in retrospect, I feel like I've wasted a lot of time and energy on certain situations (especially career-wise, I can't get that back). But at the same time... I'm no longer bothered by a lot of things, either. I can think of certain people that I was particularly disturbed by now and I'm just like... oh. Or 'whatever'. Sort of "who gives a fuck", which is a good attitude to have about people you don't like, heh. I'm getting healthier and stronger by the day, in my head. At least, I feel that right now. Whether it's true.... well. I don't want to jump to conclusions, I've been that route before.

But I do feel stronger today, anyway. Tired.. but stronger.

Anyway, I just wanted to post a quick update while I had the time to do so. School starts again on Tuesday... between that and the double shifts, I just may never write again, heh. (Not.)

Cheers.

Sorry for the temporary 'dropout'.

I've had a lot going on in the last week, most of it bad. I don't want to discuss it, as it's more or less futile and I'm still angry over a lot of it. Sorry. Maybe one of these days when it all doesn't matter to me so much, I'll open my mouth about it but until then, you take what you get.

No Friday meme today. The subject is quite frankly boring (collaborations? who gives a rat's ass, doesn't it always happen anyway?) and I'm not really in the mood much to answer questions about anything.

This week has not been a good week. I've been quite ill for most of it, it's not going away, plus the above-mentioned situation is digging under my skin at the same time, so I've not been a happy camper nor have I been easy to deal with.

I've lost 10 pounds in the last week alone. Good news that I have, but bad news as to how I did it.

Anyway. Tomorrow is Saturday and I can get some of my frustration and anger out on the exercise machines. I'm so looking forward to that, because with the way I feel right now, that elliptical is toast.

I'll write later if I feel better. At this rate, I won't be writing until next April, but we'll see.

p.s. I received three Emails within an hour of writing this post asking me if they were the ones I was upset with. The answer is no. If I am upset with you. you will know. Trust me when I say this. I will, in time, get over my anger as I always do because I'm basically a soft-hearted patsy, and the world will spin round on its axis and everything will be fine. In the meamtime, I've soothed myself with retail therapy, including pre-ordering a copy of "Inglorious Basterds", which in my eyes is the film of the year, as far as I'm concerned. As for me, I will be perfectly fine, I assure you. I appreciate the concern. I'm not all right... right now. But I will be.

I think that I need to really take stock and review how my life's going. I don't know if I try to aim for too much or what, but I just have such a low, low tolerance for frustration... and for forgiveness. It seems that whenever anyone does me wrong, or what I perceive is a wrong, I just cut them loose, for good, I don't even stop to think about it. I think it's because I just have this zero-tolerance policy as far as someone hurting me is concerned. I've let a few people slide way more than they should have on this. And some I have cut loose without them doing much of anything to deserve it. I know that. I just really don't see how to stop it, because I pretty much expect everyone to hurt me before they even begin.

So much for me not talking a lot, huh.

I wish that I could be more of an adult about shit. I'm almost 38 now and I still approach things like a teenager (which could be a good thing sometimes, but in this case it isn't). One of the things that really, really hurt me in the above-mentioned situation was that I was accused of acting like a child. Well, thanks, I understand that sometimes I do, but if you'd been through the horrendous fucking things I have in my life (and you should know because I've told you about all of them, so you don't have much leeway where that's concerned), how do you move beyond self-protection? That's what it is - self-protection. It's making damned sure that you, that nobody else, will never hurt me again.

Folks, I haven't begun to outline the things that have happened to me in my lifetime. You only know some of it, I haven't scratched the surface. There's been abuse on almost every level. There's been rape. There's been molestation. In every corner of my life, there has been pain and hurt and anger that simply isn't, hasn't been, resolved. Is it any wonder that I react like a child sometimes? How would you handle my life if you were in my shoes? Think about it - hard. Some of you wouldn't make it. Some of you wouldn't begin to make it, you'd be screaming the heebie-jeebies before you got to age 10. I find it almost laughable, really. I fucking dare you to live my life and come out on the other side stronger. Go for it! 99% of you would lose.

Heh, sorry. It's obvious the anger is beginning to come out now, and maybe that's a good thing, really. I already feel a little better.

Sorry for yelling. Comments are welcomed, if you feel like it.

Restlessness seems to be my middle name as of late.

I've been.. okay. Not great by any means, but my life's not falling apart either, just... "okay". I guess that I should be grateful for that, but I can't help but feel that I'm missing something.

Saw "Julie & Julia" last night. It was interesting, though parts of it made me feel like... well, a million people don't read my blog, so therefore it must be a piece of crap, right? :p Then again, I suppose this woman had a purpose and set out to make it happen. I don't really have any goals, either, I guess. Just to get through a day is good enough for me.

I'm disjointed and rambling this morning. Not feeling 'right' for some reason. I think I'm going to pack it in for now, maybe go back to bed. It's a long weekend and Christ knows I need the rest.

Cruise in 5 days. Yay. (said with obvious lack of enthusiasm)

Friends, strangers, the computer and other thoughts of no importance.

I'm getting ready to go to the movies, and while I was getting ready, I was letting my mind wander, as per usual. I noticed that a couple of people that I used to know had been perusing my last.fm profile, as well as some other places that I tend to frequent. Normally this wouldn't be of any importance to me, but that they were people that I once knew on a chat program that I used to use (translate: be an addict of), mIRC.

Now, what does this have to do with a goddamned thing, I'm sure you're thinking.

For almost 5 years, even before I moved back to Maryland, I was literally on IRC channels day and night, moving from network to network to network - and quite honestly, addicted to it. This is what happens when an extremely depressed person that has antisocial tendencies hides from real life because they don't know how to cope with it, and instead turn into someone they're quite frankly not (even if you tell the absolute truth, like I did). I'm sure that the people who are still on IRC would say I'm full of shit - but honestly, everyone that I ever met on that service was exactly like that - they were running and hiding from their real selves, or beginning to.

Don't get me wrong, okay - some of the very best friends that I have today were acquired through online means, be it the old WWIV boards that I was on in the 90s, or through WinMX when I was actively, uh, "acquiring" music... or on IRC. But only a very few remain in my life... because they were the kinds of people that truly cared about me - not the online persona.

It leads me to think that I'm very, deeply, grateful for the friends that I have now... and to think that it's so easy to hate all the others that never understood me, that never 'got it'. There are sore spots when it comes to this subject for me, particularly how I finally ended my 'relationship' with IRC - that was a very, very painful time for me, and there are people that I will literally despise for the rest of my life out of that episode. Eventually I'll get around to talking about that, too, but there's still a deep well of anger involved in that whole mess - and I'm in a good mood for a change, heh.

I think that was the beginning of the end of 'hiding myself away', I guess - I finally figured out that I am what I am, that I'm no longer going to hide anymore, and if people don't like me for what I am, hey... there's the door, don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out.

Hmm. Still a lot on my mind and not much time to let it out, so I guess that I'll touch down briefly on a few points. It amuses me that some of the way I was when I wrote full-time is beginning to come back to me - I can't just write without rambling on and on and on pointlessly. Once I was able to do that, I could organize later so that it all made some kind of sense.

Or maybe that's just a crazy person's way of writing, I don't know, heh.

I'll be back later on and then I'll probably have a long, chatty post for you all, who knows. It depends on if I have another dizzy spell or not - I'm still not feeling physically well. Thanks, Paxil. You motherfucker.

CHRIST, I wish I'd never taken that drug.

End of the weekend. Verdict?

It's been somewhat of a mixed bag this weekend for me - Friday night was great, saw "Coraline" (which is absolutely an awesomefuckinmovie,you've got to go), but I was too tired to really do much else. I did get a positive 6 month review at work, which brightened my day considerably! If I keep on the track that I'm going (i.e., working myself to death, not getting sleep, holding back my frustration with the utter idiots that I deal with, blah blah), I'll pass my probationary period with flying colors. We'll see. Friday was also great in that the coworker who gets on my last nerve wasn't there - haaaa-lay-LOU-yah, haaaa-lay-LOU-yah, ad nauseum, heh. If only she'd leave there... man, I might actually start to enjoy the job again!

Saturday, though, eh. Not so good. I had to deal with my mother needing her monthly shopping run again. I have mixed feelings about that - I know she's getting to the point where she's going to need more and more and more of my help (and others' as well). But she's so bloody... I don't know... particular about it. When I make suggestions, she shoots it down not only with words but a goddamned Army tank. "I don't want to go here, I want to go there." Don't get me wrong, my mother and I have been getting along a little better this past year, but she drives me up a wall - because inevitably, it never fails, the talk comes back to my brother and how he's doing and why she's worried about him and.. well, ad nauseum. I'm sorry - I don't want to hear about my brother, okay? My brother has been the center of my parents' world for 44 years, everything's been done for him and for his behalf, and it's one of the biggest reasons why my depression is as it is. That's a whole other blog post, frankly, and I don't want to get into it - right now. Maybe I'll explain it all later. Anyway, I had an early night - went to bed and slept, only I think I slept too long...

...because today's been a really lazy kind of day. I haven't done a motherfucking thing other than pull out a sheet for my bed, eat pasta with vodka sauce, and surf the 'net til I'm bored shitless. I'm getting ready to go bowling, because there's a Sunday special on right now where if you rent bowling shoes (which I always do), the bowling's free. Who can turn down that kind of a deal, especially when money's so tight right now?

My life is so exciting, isn't it?

Happy November, boys and girls!

I'm so grateful that October's over in a lot of ways - it's always been kind of a crappy month for me, because a lot of memories (most of them now unpleasant) were created that I'd rather forget. The weather is fabulous, but the thoughts aren't. So here's to moving on and tackling the holidays now - another time of year that kind of sucks ass, heh. I'll be getting lots of time off for a while, though, due to the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, etc., so that's always nice. I could use the rest, honestly - I find myself starting to "fall apart" on the weekends now, nothing but sleepsleepsleep. My nerves are fucking shot these days. But I'm doing pretty well for someone that had a nervous breakdown this time a year ago, huh?

Recently I've been thinking about that time when I was in Sheppard Pratt. Spending some of the Christmas holidays in a mental hospital. It was all of a sudden, too, the breakdown started on a Sunday night after a concert I went to (oddly in D.C., go figure) and I was so distraught that I went to my doctor's office (at the time). They sent me to Harbor Hospital because I couldn't calm down, and by the time I got there, I was.... I don't remember much after that. Only bits and pieces.

I remember thinking to myself in the ambulance that I was glad, glad, glad that I'd finally gone over the edge. That I'd be put away and never see the light again. That I wouldn't have to worry anymore, about anything, ever again. Isn't that awful?

I remember laying on a hospital gurney, strapped to it (whether it was to keep me from falling off of it or to make sure I wouldn't run amok screaming before they got me into a locked ward, I don't know), and they took a picture of me, on it. I was smiling and saying cheese at the same time that my eyes were running tears and my breath was hitching. That was surreal, really. I think that one moment was the worst moment of my life.

And then I remember pleading to go to sleep, they kept asking me stupid questions about why I was there - it's a mental hospital, you fucking idiots, aren't you supposed to know why I'm here? - when all I wanted to do was sleepsleepsleep. When they did finally say go to sleep, I remember laying down in the room - a bare room with no locks and bars on the windows - and thinking that the mattress was rather soft and comfortable for a 'looney ward', heh. And I slept, like the dead.

Ah, well, that's enough reminiscing for now. That 72 hour period is painful for me, and I have a lot of images in my head that won't go away from that.... but it's a good telling of my first night in there, I think. I'll tell it all eventually, and probably as we get closer to the first anniversary of said event. I can't believe it's only been a year. Surely that says something for my strength of character, you think?

On a different note, I saw "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" at Arundel Mills last night, and I will only say this: Kevin Smith has fucking redeemed himself for "Clerks II", heh. This was the most hysterical flick I've seen in months. You must see this movie. I command it. (Just the sight of a full frontal nude Jason Mewes is enough of an incentive, rofl!)

I'm brewing a bit of a headache, so I'm going to lie down for a while. Maybe a meme later if I feel like it.

Buh-byez. :p

I'm still alive, I swear to Gawd. :D

I've been too busy to blog, really, but I'll just write down a few quick points so that I'll know to expound upon them later on. Really, I have a feeling that no one's going to get the 'low down' until I get home, but I will say this much -

- Tricky was fucking awesome in concert. If you don't know who he is, you must make it a point to find out. And the Metro Theatre in Sydney is also in the category of 'fucking awesome'. It reminds me of Rams' Head at home.

- Chicken-flavored potato chips are also 'fucking awesome'. As are Violet Crumbles. I'm going to bring a fuckload of those home and freeze them because I know I'm not going to be able to get those anytime soon, heh.

- TimTams and Burger Rings do NOT mix. Do not eat those at the same time - you will get sick. Guaranteed.

- I am reminded that blaxploitation movies are indeed the shiznit.

- It is cheaper to do your own stir-fry at home than to go out. Though I WILL get to a Vietnamese restaurant here before I leave. Bank on that.

- Two weeks just isn't enough to spend in Sydney. You need a month. Maybe two.

- My Australian friends are right. 'Neighbours' SUCKS ASS. :o

- I was reminded of home briefly when a dead body turned up right outside my apartment building. I was locked in here for several hours. I'm getting everything from "run over by a bus" to "jumped off a building", but the Australian news has nothing. Meh. I've been assured that this is not a common happening here.

Those, for now, are the highlights. More pictures are on the way, though I can't seem to find the ones I took at the Powerhouse Museum, and if I lost those I'm going to be mad as shit, because those were GOOD.

Promise, more details later. Honest. It's hard to keep the wifi going here. Goddamn Australian bureaucracy. :D