I don't know why, but I've been feeling like shit for the last couple of days. Part of it might be that I've been working a whole bunch of overtime recently (unwillingly), but... tonight was just weird. I once again felt that sense of disconnection with people, with life, and I've been crying on and off all day today. It reminds me of the old days when the depression took over.
There could be a lot of reasons for it, of course; it's getting close to a certain time of the month (oh, shut up, whiners, and deal), it's been raining the last couple of days and therefore kind of miserable out... the holidays have finally arrived and I'm feeling pressure, my finances are getting kind of bad because of all of the expense, I've been working a lot, Greg's been working a lot... it could be any or all of those things. Tonight, Greg and I had a few awkward moments... I can't really call it a fight, because it wasn't, but... things were not as they usually are and I could feel it in the air. It bothered me. It scared me.
I'm trying so hard not to be pessimistic, but it just seems to be my second nature now, no matter how hard I try to look on "the bright side" of things. I've been screwed over, fucked with, made fun of too much to be any other way. I keep waiting for that shoe to fall. I'm trying not to... but I can't help myself. :(
I felt bothered enough to go looking up old "enemies", if you will. And things haven't changed. I'm still angry with them. I still want to take a chunk out of their heads. It's still the same stupid toxicity, years later. I can't ever allow myself to think it'll be any different. Why do I seek it out still? Is it something within me that won't let go? What is it that I want to hear from these people - "I'm sorry"? Heh... sorry lies between the words shit and syphilis in a dictionary. What difference will it make, hearing it now?
In one particular person's case, I guess I feel cheated of the chance to rip her fucking head off and shove it down the stem of her neck. That's what I really want to do - write her (or better yet, tell it to her face) a big "fuck you, bitch" note. There's something that she did that I cannot and will not ever forgive her for - even though the original situation is long over and I don't really care about it anymore, the fact that she fucked me over while it was happening.... well, that's enough right there for her to earn a permanent place on the shit list.
Actually, I'm mad at a couple of people from that time period, one of whom I couldn't get mad at before. So.... I guess that's progress, in a way.
I wish I could blank out the last six years - the last thirty years, really - and start over again.... sigh.
Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. I don't know.
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
22 November 2011
28 October 2011
"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." - Ernest Hemingway
As always, I have little bits and pieces of thoughts throughout the week or during the periods of time where I don't write. Things that pop into my brain - "hey, yanno, I really should write about that" - only to have them disappear into the ether. What I should do is write them down as they occur to me, but even if I do (and I've tried), I usually decide that it's not really worth expounding upon later, for the most part.
You'd never know that I actually used to write on a creative level when I was younger. Not by the disjointed posts you see here today, anyway. I'd love to get back into that, but I don't feel that I have enough talent to do it, or originality to be honest. When I go back over the few writing pieces of mine that exist today (mainly really bad poetry on Literotica and the like), I cringe with complete embarrassment. That's usually a sign that I'm not cut out for the writing scene, heh.
Just that I'm thinking about trying to start again, though... that's as close to "normal" as I can ever remember being. Writing used to be my passion, what I lived for, and I might have had a shot at it if it hadn't been for a really painful experience when I was younger.
Yes, folks, here it comes. I'm purging yet another painful memory. Get ready.
Between the time I was about, oh I'll say sixteen or so, and nineteen... I was ass-deep in the writing of a book, an actual book. It doesn't matter what it was about now - something about a smart-alecky cat traveling the country having Kerouac-like adventures - but it was really, really good, or so I thought. I'd written, written, rewritten, revised, gotten critical opinions, revised again... etc. I was actually going to try and publish the damned thing, more fool me. At nineteen, I had a lot of dreams, still.
To make a long story short, the asshole that I was with at the time was abusive - in body, mind and spirit. This is the only douchebag that ever dared to hit me on a physical level, and to this day I don't know why I ever stayed with him - I guess I was conditioned to take that abuse, just like I was conditioned in childhood to accept emotional abuse and neglect.
This asshole, in a fit of rage, ripped up my book. The only copy I had. You see, there were no computers accessible back then to the general public - you had to have serious money to afford one in those days, which I didn't have. So... no copies. No way to get anything back. He took each page, and deliberately ripped it in halves, quarters, eighths. Scattered them all around the rooms. It was a big, huge, hurtful "Fuck you, bitch - you're nothing. Your so-called "talent" is shit."
I cried for weeks. That crushed my spirit like nothing else could have. At nineteen, something profound died within me. I've never been able to retrieve it since. Not ever. I have never written a word on a creative level since. Only bad, inept, stuttering poetry that is a fraction of the ability I used to have. Something inside of me still hears that limpdick's voice, echoing that sentiment. "I'm nothing. I'm shit."
Isn't that awful?
It doesn't matter how many people tell me differently, either. I just can't seem to get over that one thing, the destruction of something that I poured my heart and soul into for almost 4 years of my life. I guess you just had to be there to understand the depth of the pain.
Just the fact that I'm thinking about writing again, or even trying is a huge, huge positive sign that maybe I'm returning to the young, idealistic woman I used to be. Believe it or not... I did have hopes and dreams once, underneath all of this hurt and all of the tears I've cried incessantly since I was old enough to walk, pretty much.
Ugh, tears again. Always more tears. But it means I'm healing, doesn't it? Even if it seems to take absolutely forever.
I'm finally accepting the hurt, the pain, the fact that I endured abuse heaped onto yet more abuse. I'm finally getting that it happened and that I can't pretend it didn't and that I can't change it. But when am I going to get to forgiveness? I'm conscious that forgiveness is for myself, a way to keep people out of my head and heart... I'm getting that, too. But when is that going to happen? Am I going to carry all of this darkness within me forever?
Questions, questions, yet more questions. I want answers, damn it.
Heh, I can hear Greg's voice in my head now going, "Paaaaayyyy-shence."
Quick update on the rest of my life, here:
- Greg and I are doing wonderfully fine. Now past the 5-month mark and counting down to half a year. Hard to believe that this wonderful man is still with me, despite all. <3
- I just won the annual incentive workplace award, again, for the third year in a row. Which essentially now means that I'm set for life here, should I want to be. Not that I want to take urine for the rest of my life, that's for sure.
- School is in full swing again. This time I'm taking film history (wonderfully fun) and public safety policy (boooooring, yawn). Semester ends December 18th, hopefully I'll pull good marks.
- My wrist is more or less out of the soft cast (though it's not supposed to be yet, but I can't stand wearing the fucking thing one more day). It aches, it's VERY stiff in the mornings, but that's the way it goes. It's liveable. I can deal with it.
And that's it, for now, I guess.
Cheers from the verbal vomitorium. :p
You'd never know that I actually used to write on a creative level when I was younger. Not by the disjointed posts you see here today, anyway. I'd love to get back into that, but I don't feel that I have enough talent to do it, or originality to be honest. When I go back over the few writing pieces of mine that exist today (mainly really bad poetry on Literotica and the like), I cringe with complete embarrassment. That's usually a sign that I'm not cut out for the writing scene, heh.
Just that I'm thinking about trying to start again, though... that's as close to "normal" as I can ever remember being. Writing used to be my passion, what I lived for, and I might have had a shot at it if it hadn't been for a really painful experience when I was younger.
Yes, folks, here it comes. I'm purging yet another painful memory. Get ready.
Between the time I was about, oh I'll say sixteen or so, and nineteen... I was ass-deep in the writing of a book, an actual book. It doesn't matter what it was about now - something about a smart-alecky cat traveling the country having Kerouac-like adventures - but it was really, really good, or so I thought. I'd written, written, rewritten, revised, gotten critical opinions, revised again... etc. I was actually going to try and publish the damned thing, more fool me. At nineteen, I had a lot of dreams, still.
To make a long story short, the asshole that I was with at the time was abusive - in body, mind and spirit. This is the only douchebag that ever dared to hit me on a physical level, and to this day I don't know why I ever stayed with him - I guess I was conditioned to take that abuse, just like I was conditioned in childhood to accept emotional abuse and neglect.
This asshole, in a fit of rage, ripped up my book. The only copy I had. You see, there were no computers accessible back then to the general public - you had to have serious money to afford one in those days, which I didn't have. So... no copies. No way to get anything back. He took each page, and deliberately ripped it in halves, quarters, eighths. Scattered them all around the rooms. It was a big, huge, hurtful "Fuck you, bitch - you're nothing. Your so-called "talent" is shit."
I cried for weeks. That crushed my spirit like nothing else could have. At nineteen, something profound died within me. I've never been able to retrieve it since. Not ever. I have never written a word on a creative level since. Only bad, inept, stuttering poetry that is a fraction of the ability I used to have. Something inside of me still hears that limpdick's voice, echoing that sentiment. "I'm nothing. I'm shit."
Isn't that awful?
It doesn't matter how many people tell me differently, either. I just can't seem to get over that one thing, the destruction of something that I poured my heart and soul into for almost 4 years of my life. I guess you just had to be there to understand the depth of the pain.
Just the fact that I'm thinking about writing again, or even trying is a huge, huge positive sign that maybe I'm returning to the young, idealistic woman I used to be. Believe it or not... I did have hopes and dreams once, underneath all of this hurt and all of the tears I've cried incessantly since I was old enough to walk, pretty much.
Ugh, tears again. Always more tears. But it means I'm healing, doesn't it? Even if it seems to take absolutely forever.
I'm finally accepting the hurt, the pain, the fact that I endured abuse heaped onto yet more abuse. I'm finally getting that it happened and that I can't pretend it didn't and that I can't change it. But when am I going to get to forgiveness? I'm conscious that forgiveness is for myself, a way to keep people out of my head and heart... I'm getting that, too. But when is that going to happen? Am I going to carry all of this darkness within me forever?
Questions, questions, yet more questions. I want answers, damn it.
Heh, I can hear Greg's voice in my head now going, "Paaaaayyyy-shence."
Quick update on the rest of my life, here:
- Greg and I are doing wonderfully fine. Now past the 5-month mark and counting down to half a year. Hard to believe that this wonderful man is still with me, despite all. <3
- I just won the annual incentive workplace award, again, for the third year in a row. Which essentially now means that I'm set for life here, should I want to be. Not that I want to take urine for the rest of my life, that's for sure.
- School is in full swing again. This time I'm taking film history (wonderfully fun) and public safety policy (boooooring, yawn). Semester ends December 18th, hopefully I'll pull good marks.
- My wrist is more or less out of the soft cast (though it's not supposed to be yet, but I can't stand wearing the fucking thing one more day). It aches, it's VERY stiff in the mornings, but that's the way it goes. It's liveable. I can deal with it.
And that's it, for now, I guess.
Cheers from the verbal vomitorium.
30 May 2011
Struggling... but forging ahead.
I had been feeling better about things for the last couple of days, but I find myself turning melancholy once again. The situation last week has taken more of a toll on me than I ever dreamed... and it's frightening because I don't know that I'll ever really recover from it.
Part of my therapy session this week dealt with that loss, and intense discussion about it. I had never really talked with anyone about it before (maybe because the circumstances were such that I felt a little ashamed of it). After a good deal of explanation, including specifics of the situation, my doctor said something that resonated with me... it not only made me feel a little better, but it's given me hope.
He'd said to me, "You cannot blame yourself. You have the hope of a normal, healthy relationship. Once you deal with all of the pain that you've been subjected to... you have a chance of being happy with another person. The other person in your situation does not. The other person in your situation has very deep issues, issues that are brain-related. Speaking from a psychological point of view, this person is very sick. They will never get any better or have anything more than what they have right now - because their pattern keeps repeating, over and over. They will not ever have a successful, healthy relationship... but you will."
It was like a sledgehammer had slammed into my brain.
I try to hold on to my doctor's words. I really do. It's eased some of the still-intense pain that I feel. It gives me hope that one day, one day.... I'll find a person that I can relate to and that can relate to me.
I've met someone recently, through one of the myriad online dating sites. We seem to have a lot in common, but... he recently dropped a bombshell that he was "legally married, but hasn't seen her in years", blah blah. He's told me 4 days after meeting me, so perhaps he's on the up and up, but... I just feel like I can't trust him. I know that it's because of all of the shit I've been through. I know that. I'm still speaking with him, because after all - we're only friends. It's not went any further, and even if it did, it wouldn't happen right away, as he lives in Florida.
Why can't I meet someone that's decent, honest, and lives HERE, for Chrissake?
Ah, forgive me. I really should choose better music... I'm listening to a song that reminds me of ... well, the situation. Oddly, the lyrics sort of fit....
Babe, baby, baby, I'm gonna leave you
I said baby, you know I'm gonna leave you.
I'll leave you when the summertime,
Leave you when the summer comes a-rollin'
Leave you when the summer comes along.
Classic Led Zeppelin. I love it so. Only right now it's full of pain.
The overwhelming anxiety has finally disappeared. But I know I'm not the same. I don't laugh or smile anymore. My appetite has been reduced to nearly nothing (not that that's a bad thing, as I'm losing weight like crazy, heh). And even the smallest of triggers can reduce me to a sobbing ball of mush.
But I'll get over this. It's not my fault.... I'm normal. I'm normal. I have to hang on to those words... I'll recover and I'll be happy. Won't I?
I wonder sometimes.
Part of my therapy session this week dealt with that loss, and intense discussion about it. I had never really talked with anyone about it before (maybe because the circumstances were such that I felt a little ashamed of it). After a good deal of explanation, including specifics of the situation, my doctor said something that resonated with me... it not only made me feel a little better, but it's given me hope.
He'd said to me, "You cannot blame yourself. You have the hope of a normal, healthy relationship. Once you deal with all of the pain that you've been subjected to... you have a chance of being happy with another person. The other person in your situation does not. The other person in your situation has very deep issues, issues that are brain-related. Speaking from a psychological point of view, this person is very sick. They will never get any better or have anything more than what they have right now - because their pattern keeps repeating, over and over. They will not ever have a successful, healthy relationship... but you will."
It was like a sledgehammer had slammed into my brain.
I try to hold on to my doctor's words. I really do. It's eased some of the still-intense pain that I feel. It gives me hope that one day, one day.... I'll find a person that I can relate to and that can relate to me.
I've met someone recently, through one of the myriad online dating sites. We seem to have a lot in common, but... he recently dropped a bombshell that he was "legally married, but hasn't seen her in years", blah blah. He's told me 4 days after meeting me, so perhaps he's on the up and up, but... I just feel like I can't trust him. I know that it's because of all of the shit I've been through. I know that. I'm still speaking with him, because after all - we're only friends. It's not went any further, and even if it did, it wouldn't happen right away, as he lives in Florida.
Why can't I meet someone that's decent, honest, and lives HERE, for Chrissake?
Ah, forgive me. I really should choose better music... I'm listening to a song that reminds me of ... well, the situation. Oddly, the lyrics sort of fit....
Babe, baby, baby, I'm gonna leave you
I said baby, you know I'm gonna leave you.
I'll leave you when the summertime,
Leave you when the summer comes a-rollin'
Leave you when the summer comes along.
Classic Led Zeppelin. I love it so. Only right now it's full of pain.
The overwhelming anxiety has finally disappeared. But I know I'm not the same. I don't laugh or smile anymore. My appetite has been reduced to nearly nothing (not that that's a bad thing, as I'm losing weight like crazy, heh). And even the smallest of triggers can reduce me to a sobbing ball of mush.
But I'll get over this. It's not my fault.... I'm normal. I'm normal. I have to hang on to those words... I'll recover and I'll be happy. Won't I?
I wonder sometimes.
28 May 2011
It is over. I am free.
After a very rough week, I have calmed down considerably. Although I'm still very sad over what has occurred (and to make a long story short, I've pretty much ended a tie that I've had for a very long time, ever since I moved back to Maryland)... it is time.
I once read a phrase that fits this situation very nicely. And that is: people come into and out of our lives for a reason.
At first, I thought, "What utter crap." But then, I got to thinking about it. And it's true. Nothing is really meant to last forever, is it? If it were, people would live forever, my best friend at 4 years old would still be my best friend... and a love relationship would last forever.
Life doesn't work that way.
The fact is that people change. Lives change. We grow apart. And it's very hard to let someone go after you've grown to depend on them, enjoy their company, spend time with them, share your life with them. The fact is that after a while, pain starts to outweigh pleasure. In truth, the situation I refer to began to hurt a very, very long time ago. I just didn't have the courage to cut the cord.
Until today.
I am free-falling now.... but in some ways, it feels good to know that I will never be hurt again by this. That I've learned valuable lessons to take with me into the void, where the next person I meet will benefit from that knowledge.
I'm very scared of the future. After all, six years is a very long time. But... just to live, one takes a chance. Maybe I'll make it and maybe I won't.
But at least I know in which direction I'll land.
Forward. Home.
I once read a phrase that fits this situation very nicely. And that is: people come into and out of our lives for a reason.
At first, I thought, "What utter crap." But then, I got to thinking about it. And it's true. Nothing is really meant to last forever, is it? If it were, people would live forever, my best friend at 4 years old would still be my best friend... and a love relationship would last forever.
Life doesn't work that way.
The fact is that people change. Lives change. We grow apart. And it's very hard to let someone go after you've grown to depend on them, enjoy their company, spend time with them, share your life with them. The fact is that after a while, pain starts to outweigh pleasure. In truth, the situation I refer to began to hurt a very, very long time ago. I just didn't have the courage to cut the cord.
Until today.
I am free-falling now.... but in some ways, it feels good to know that I will never be hurt again by this. That I've learned valuable lessons to take with me into the void, where the next person I meet will benefit from that knowledge.
I'm very scared of the future. After all, six years is a very long time. But... just to live, one takes a chance. Maybe I'll make it and maybe I won't.
But at least I know in which direction I'll land.
Forward. Home.
26 May 2011
......
Several people have written me in the last few hours due to a rather cryptic Facebook status I put up earlier yesterday that simply said "bad, bad, bad, bad day".
First of all, rest assured that I'm as okay as I'm going to be. I'm not in danger, I'm not unable to function, and I'm eating, drinking, showering, living. So, no worries there. However... I'm currently dealing with a very personal, painful situation that has been a very long time in coming. It's culminated into ... I guess that one could say that I've reached the end of the rope, and I'm letting go.
For my own health and sanity, I must.
I never wanted things to come to this point, but it's now out of my hands. It's not under my control. And... what have I learned, boys and girls? I cannot control anything other than what I do.
Heh, that's become some kind of mantra for me, I think.
Healing will come, just like I've healed from other things. But I suspect that it'll be a long, long time before I can say that it no longer affects me.
It is now 5:15 in the morning, here, and it's dark and quiet outside. It resembles how I feel right now... dark, but quiet. I'm just going to be, for a while. Simply be still. I don't have to decide anything today. I don't have to do anything but simply be.
The death of a dream is always hard. But new dreams will come. I have to believe that. I have to, if I want to survive.
Thanks to a certain couple of people out here for listening to me... and for not judging me, or thinking that I'm pathetic. It gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll see my way through and out of this.
In the meantime.... breathe. Just breathe. And be.
First of all, rest assured that I'm as okay as I'm going to be. I'm not in danger, I'm not unable to function, and I'm eating, drinking, showering, living. So, no worries there. However... I'm currently dealing with a very personal, painful situation that has been a very long time in coming. It's culminated into ... I guess that one could say that I've reached the end of the rope, and I'm letting go.
For my own health and sanity, I must.
I never wanted things to come to this point, but it's now out of my hands. It's not under my control. And... what have I learned, boys and girls? I cannot control anything other than what I do.
Heh, that's become some kind of mantra for me, I think.
Healing will come, just like I've healed from other things. But I suspect that it'll be a long, long time before I can say that it no longer affects me.
It is now 5:15 in the morning, here, and it's dark and quiet outside. It resembles how I feel right now... dark, but quiet. I'm just going to be, for a while. Simply be still. I don't have to decide anything today. I don't have to do anything but simply be.
The death of a dream is always hard. But new dreams will come. I have to believe that. I have to, if I want to survive.
Thanks to a certain couple of people out here for listening to me... and for not judging me, or thinking that I'm pathetic. It gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll see my way through and out of this.
In the meantime.... breathe. Just breathe. And be.
23 April 2011
Well, situation normal. It's all fucked up. :p
This past week has been absolutely horrendous. In the course of just 7 days, I've been feeling like utter crap, I've gained 3 pounds (putting me nearly back to the start of the year - when is this shit ever going to get better, damn it?), I've been harassed at work (I hesitate to say sexual harassment, but in truth that's exactly what it falls under) and now face the possibility of making a formal complaint, my mortgage went up by 40 dollars a month, I've lost my state tax refund because of the escrow shortage, and my cat's been puking up hairballs all over the house. I don't know if she's sick - she doesn't seem to be - but I'm a little concerned.
Fuck. Could this week have been any worse?
What absolutely amazes me is that for the most part, I've held it together and not crumbled to pieces. I keep reminding myself that things could be, and have been, a lot worse. Still, I didn't appreciate everything raining down on my head all at once, you know?
I was supposed to clean this weekend, but after all of this bullshit, I've pretty much boiled it down to "fuck this, I'll do what I like", heh. I am so tired, and it just seems that every bit of human contact that I've had recently has been nothing but a source of irritation. Though maybe it's nothing except paranoia, I just get this overwhelming sense that everything is either going wrong or is about to.
I look around and I see all of these things that I either want to do or, worse, need to be done... and I can't seem to find any enthusiasm or will to do any of it. It's like, what's the point?
Even my therapy recently hasn't much helped this sense of impending doom.
Maybe I'm just going through a bad patch right now, I don't know, but I wish it would stop.
Okay, bitching over. :p /complaint
Fuck. Could this week have been any worse?
What absolutely amazes me is that for the most part, I've held it together and not crumbled to pieces. I keep reminding myself that things could be, and have been, a lot worse. Still, I didn't appreciate everything raining down on my head all at once, you know?
I was supposed to clean this weekend, but after all of this bullshit, I've pretty much boiled it down to "fuck this, I'll do what I like", heh. I am so tired, and it just seems that every bit of human contact that I've had recently has been nothing but a source of irritation. Though maybe it's nothing except paranoia, I just get this overwhelming sense that everything is either going wrong or is about to.
I look around and I see all of these things that I either want to do or, worse, need to be done... and I can't seem to find any enthusiasm or will to do any of it. It's like, what's the point?
Even my therapy recently hasn't much helped this sense of impending doom.
Maybe I'm just going through a bad patch right now, I don't know, but I wish it would stop.
Okay, bitching over. :p /complaint
22 February 2011
......
I've been off of work for five days now, and while it's been nice, I'm really kind of eager to get back again. I've accomplished a lot around the house, but I'm growing weary of that and need some outside stimulation, even if it's just minor chit-chat with my idiotic coworkers.
The truth is that I've been up and down for the past few days. Friday I felt fine. Sunday I felt fine. Saturday and today I've felt down and upset and emotional. I think that the loneliness is starting to wear me down.
Is this my life now?
I think I'm going to go sob for a while....
The truth is that I've been up and down for the past few days. Friday I felt fine. Sunday I felt fine. Saturday and today I've felt down and upset and emotional. I think that the loneliness is starting to wear me down.
Is this my life now?
I think I'm going to go sob for a while....
27 September 2010
Sinking into the abyss.
I should be doing my biology classwork tonight, but the truth of the matter is that I just don’t feel like dealing with it, or much of anything. It’s been a very rough couple of days for me, where my emotions have been up, down, back, forth, and Christ knows what else. Just another depressive episode, only it’s colored by the fact that I’ve discovered a few unpleasant things about myself – again.
I was abused as a child. This has been pretty much known to me for a while, but:
1. I did not know or realize the extent of the damage, which I have discovered via therapy is MASSIVE;
2. I am suffering from severe emotional abuse more than anything, which shocks me because I wasn’t aware that there was such a thing. Physical, sexual, mental, sure. But emotional abuse? Yet, that’s exactly what I suffer from, and it’s the worst of all of the four;
3. Just like all abusers, I myself have become emotionally abusive toward people that I’ve supposedly loved. This particular fact is the most difficult thing to grasp for me – I’ve turned into my parents, and it’s shocking and hurtful.
Now you know why I will never have children. Because the cycle of abuse would continue. And I would love my children enough to spare them that pain.
My therapist has recommended a book for me called “Born to Win”, which I’ve ordered, along with another book that I discovered on my own called “Healing Your Emotional Self” by Beverly Engel. It’s sort of a workbook, I guess. I read snippets of it on Amazon and immediately started crying, because that woman was describing ME.
I find that I’ve been crying a lot when I recognize my pain in other sources. It’s impossible to listen to either Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”, or “Wish You Were Here”, because they’re talking about me.
From “Us And Them”:
Black and blue
And who knows which is which and who is who.
Up and down.
But in the end it's only round and round.
And that’s how I feel. It’s all the same no matter what happens. I’m hurting and confused and scared. The more I do this therapy, the more afraid I feel. I seriously feel like I’m just too emotionally broken to heal. There is so much anger at so many people that I’ve suppressed, stuffed down, swallowed – how can I get it out? How can I safely get it out without alienating what precious little I have left?
That’s what truly frightens me. It’s the anger. It’s the incredible, all-consuming, furious anger that I feel at my parents, at myself, at my family, the people I know, once knew, might meet later that will inevitably hurt me. Just thinking about it makes my throat hurt because I’m trying to swallow down the tears that just come up, almost automatically.
What am I going to do? What is going to become of me?
Next to this, a biology assignment seems inconsequential.
25 September 2010
Crying once again.
At least life is somewhat back to normal...
I don't want to go into why right now, but things have been very hard for the past few days. I've been crying almost non-stop, thinking once again about killing myself and ending all of this fucking pain I'm in.
How can human beings be so cruel to their own? That's all I want to know... how. And why.
Fuck my life.
I don't want to go into why right now, but things have been very hard for the past few days. I've been crying almost non-stop, thinking once again about killing myself and ending all of this fucking pain I'm in.
How can human beings be so cruel to their own? That's all I want to know... how. And why.
Fuck my life.
11 September 2010
01 August 2010
Leave me alone.
I’ve been debating on whether or not to write another post, or indeed even continue with this blog at all. It seems a douchebag move not to, I guess, but circumstances have happened over the last few months where I’m starting to feel more and more uncomfortable with certain people knowing my thoughts or feelings. That’s bad, really, as it’s a move away from the sociability that I wanted. However, it could also be a sign that I’m starting to turn away from the situations and the patterns that made me the person I was, if one wants to approach it from a positive view.
So much has changed in the last six months for me. And I’ve not been coping well with any of it. But, as usual, the decisions have been taken out of my hands, and I’m left to deal with whatever fallout comes. I’ve been very much alone ever since I moved to this house, mostly by choice. I find that I grow more and more comfortable with hiding away as the days pass. Sure, I still cry a lot. But it’s easier to deal with my crying alone than to attempt to explain to anyone why – because inevitably, no one ever understands. At least I sort of get why things are as they are, and it’s comforting that I never have to explain anything to myself.
Guess that I’m also just putting off “leave me alone” vibes toward everyone, too. I go about my daily activities, and I watch people and the world from a disinterested, detached point of view, it seems. Back in my little glass box, I guess. It’s as if I’m a ghost, not really there, invisible. Some might find that sad, I suppose. I certainly see where it is. But it’s the only way I’ve ever found to cope that has ever worked for me. And now I have no reason to try to be any other way.
In the meantime, people are moving on with their lives. Getting married, having children, graduating from school…. moving on. I’m still the same as I ever was.
There’s more that I want to say, but as I stated earlier, I’m kind of uncomfortable now with sharing it. Perhaps there’ll come a time where I’ll feel better about things, but right now isn’t it.
I don’t want to hear anything about how I’ve been avoiding people. I know that already, it would be stating the obvious, and I have my reasons. I need a sabbatical from people, from situations, from drama, from life. I am perfectly fine and happy doing what I must do, and being left alone for the rest of the time. When I’m ready to peek out of the shell that I’ve retreated into, I will. Until then, I can’t be forced out, nor will I be. If I’ve been avoiding you, there’s a reason why, and I will request that you don’t take it personally, because it’s not based on that. If you don’t understand my request, I guess you’ll just have to live with that, because I’m not going to explain the reasons to you. Re-read this post and maybe you’ll get it.
I’ll eventually come out of this. I always do. But trying to force me won’t work.
It’s been a long, tiring thirteen years. I need time alone.
End of discussion.
So much has changed in the last six months for me. And I’ve not been coping well with any of it. But, as usual, the decisions have been taken out of my hands, and I’m left to deal with whatever fallout comes. I’ve been very much alone ever since I moved to this house, mostly by choice. I find that I grow more and more comfortable with hiding away as the days pass. Sure, I still cry a lot. But it’s easier to deal with my crying alone than to attempt to explain to anyone why – because inevitably, no one ever understands. At least I sort of get why things are as they are, and it’s comforting that I never have to explain anything to myself.
Guess that I’m also just putting off “leave me alone” vibes toward everyone, too. I go about my daily activities, and I watch people and the world from a disinterested, detached point of view, it seems. Back in my little glass box, I guess. It’s as if I’m a ghost, not really there, invisible. Some might find that sad, I suppose. I certainly see where it is. But it’s the only way I’ve ever found to cope that has ever worked for me. And now I have no reason to try to be any other way.
In the meantime, people are moving on with their lives. Getting married, having children, graduating from school…. moving on. I’m still the same as I ever was.
There’s more that I want to say, but as I stated earlier, I’m kind of uncomfortable now with sharing it. Perhaps there’ll come a time where I’ll feel better about things, but right now isn’t it.
I don’t want to hear anything about how I’ve been avoiding people. I know that already, it would be stating the obvious, and I have my reasons. I need a sabbatical from people, from situations, from drama, from life. I am perfectly fine and happy doing what I must do, and being left alone for the rest of the time. When I’m ready to peek out of the shell that I’ve retreated into, I will. Until then, I can’t be forced out, nor will I be. If I’ve been avoiding you, there’s a reason why, and I will request that you don’t take it personally, because it’s not based on that. If you don’t understand my request, I guess you’ll just have to live with that, because I’m not going to explain the reasons to you. Re-read this post and maybe you’ll get it.
I’ll eventually come out of this. I always do. But trying to force me won’t work.
It’s been a long, tiring thirteen years. I need time alone.
End of discussion.
14 July 2010
.....
Not really feeling much like writing, but I'm forcing myself to, if only to give myself a rope to hang onto while I'm feeling down. I'm seriously trying to hold on. A lot of things haven't been going right, but that's par for the course, or so it seems.
The 8k tax credit that I'm supposed to be getting? Well, the amended return has now, as of Monday, landed in the IRS's "examination unit" - which basically means audit. Great. I can more or less kiss that money goodbye, because they ALWAYS find something wrong. I haven't been dishonest in the least about my taxes - can't afford to be, I work for the gubmint, for fuck's sake - but they'll find something wrong and they'll take all of the tax credit, or a partial amount. I'll bet you eight thousand dollars, hah hah. (sour sigh)
I'm looking for therapy again. I can't deal with the feelings that I've been having as of late, and the attacks are starting to come again, now at an alarming rate. I could barely keep it together at work today. Not a good sign, just not good. I've found one place that might be able to work with my fucked-up hours, but they're religious in nature and I'm a little (no, make that a LOT) leery of it. Still.. what have I got to lose anymore? If it takes swallowing a bunch of crap rhetoric to make me whole again, I'll swallow it AND like it. I'm sick of this. I am sick of being sick, tired of being tired.
I'm also scheduling an appointment with my primary doctor to get a workup. I also think there's something (no, a lot of things) physically wrong with me. I don't know what else I can go through that's worse than what I already have been. Again - what have I got to lose?
We lost another lead tech today at work. That's the second one in 4 months. They're never going to get anyone to willingly fill that position, it's too much work and too little compensation. The ex-manager I had is now branch chief (a good thing) and we have a new manager, who's nice.. but never there. Basically right now we're lawless, and it's not boding well for any of us. I liked the last lead tech because she whipped these assholes into shape. Not now. She left today, and it was sad to see the smile on her face as she was sailing out the door. They gave her utter fucking hell and I'll be the first one to say it - they treated her like crap. It's no wonder she didn't want to stay. Now? God, it's going to be rough.
No developments on the Eye Candy front. I've actually been going out of my way to avoid him, to be honest, because he sees me at my worst and I don't even want to try to impress him. I don't care what he or anyone else thinks. Fuck 'em all.
Classes going okay, I guess. Like everything else, I've given up caring. I fail these? Fuck it, what's the difference, I owe a shit-ton of money now in school loans, so what difference does it make if I fail? It's another thousand on top of more thousands. It doesn't matter. I'll be fucking fifty years old before I get that degree anyway, the way things are going. What good will it do me then?
Sorry. It's a downbeat post. I don't care. I AM downbeat, depressed, sad, overwhelmingly lonely and damned close to feeling suicidal again. What's the difference? What does anything matter anymore?
I have no one to tell me that it's going to be all right. No one. And even if I did, I don't know that I could ever believe it....
God, help me survive this endless fucking darkness...
The 8k tax credit that I'm supposed to be getting? Well, the amended return has now, as of Monday, landed in the IRS's "examination unit" - which basically means audit. Great. I can more or less kiss that money goodbye, because they ALWAYS find something wrong. I haven't been dishonest in the least about my taxes - can't afford to be, I work for the gubmint, for fuck's sake - but they'll find something wrong and they'll take all of the tax credit, or a partial amount. I'll bet you eight thousand dollars, hah hah. (sour sigh)
I'm looking for therapy again. I can't deal with the feelings that I've been having as of late, and the attacks are starting to come again, now at an alarming rate. I could barely keep it together at work today. Not a good sign, just not good. I've found one place that might be able to work with my fucked-up hours, but they're religious in nature and I'm a little (no, make that a LOT) leery of it. Still.. what have I got to lose anymore? If it takes swallowing a bunch of crap rhetoric to make me whole again, I'll swallow it AND like it. I'm sick of this. I am sick of being sick, tired of being tired.
I'm also scheduling an appointment with my primary doctor to get a workup. I also think there's something (no, a lot of things) physically wrong with me. I don't know what else I can go through that's worse than what I already have been. Again - what have I got to lose?
We lost another lead tech today at work. That's the second one in 4 months. They're never going to get anyone to willingly fill that position, it's too much work and too little compensation. The ex-manager I had is now branch chief (a good thing) and we have a new manager, who's nice.. but never there. Basically right now we're lawless, and it's not boding well for any of us. I liked the last lead tech because she whipped these assholes into shape. Not now. She left today, and it was sad to see the smile on her face as she was sailing out the door. They gave her utter fucking hell and I'll be the first one to say it - they treated her like crap. It's no wonder she didn't want to stay. Now? God, it's going to be rough.
No developments on the Eye Candy front. I've actually been going out of my way to avoid him, to be honest, because he sees me at my worst and I don't even want to try to impress him. I don't care what he or anyone else thinks. Fuck 'em all.
Classes going okay, I guess. Like everything else, I've given up caring. I fail these? Fuck it, what's the difference, I owe a shit-ton of money now in school loans, so what difference does it make if I fail? It's another thousand on top of more thousands. It doesn't matter. I'll be fucking fifty years old before I get that degree anyway, the way things are going. What good will it do me then?
Sorry. It's a downbeat post. I don't care. I AM downbeat, depressed, sad, overwhelmingly lonely and damned close to feeling suicidal again. What's the difference? What does anything matter anymore?
I have no one to tell me that it's going to be all right. No one. And even if I did, I don't know that I could ever believe it....
God, help me survive this endless fucking darkness...
25 June 2010
On an antisocial kick recently.
I've blocked/deleted a bunch of people, mainly people I went to high school with, on Facebook. I'm actually considering deleting a lot more that I no longer talk to or want anything to do with. I guess that I'm starting to slowly accept the fact that there's no point in having people that don't talk to me or want anything to do with me knowing anything about my life.
Strangely, I'm okay with all of this. Sure, I feel sad. But... there's been too many bridges burned. I can't go back in time. Maybe it's best that I just cut all ties with the past... that way I can build a future for myself. Whatever that might be.
Maybe I should just start fresh... brand-new.
I'm tired tonight and I'm working on a headache, so I'll close out for now. But, yeah. Although I'm sad and regretful about a lot of things... it's like pulling a bandage off of an old wound. Yes, it's going to hurt - temporarily - but in the end it'll be so much better for me that it's gone.
Onward.
Strangely, I'm okay with all of this. Sure, I feel sad. But... there's been too many bridges burned. I can't go back in time. Maybe it's best that I just cut all ties with the past... that way I can build a future for myself. Whatever that might be.
Maybe I should just start fresh... brand-new.
I'm tired tonight and I'm working on a headache, so I'll close out for now. But, yeah. Although I'm sad and regretful about a lot of things... it's like pulling a bandage off of an old wound. Yes, it's going to hurt - temporarily - but in the end it'll be so much better for me that it's gone.
Onward.
25 April 2010
And so, here's the beginning.
Today, I've made a very real stab at packing, sorting and cleaning my stuff for moving - again. As I'm working, I feel a very real sense of sadness that, once again, it's come to this and I have to pull up what little roots I've established. I try to comfort myself with the fact that this is what could amount to being the very last time I ever have to do this, but it doesn't blunt the sadness that I feel. It's compounded by some very real issues that I'm facing in that I feel like I'm losing the last bits of support that I had for the last few years, which have been very difficult, as you know if you've been reading here with any sort of regularity. I'm not too sure that I'm strong enough to deal with it, emotionally or mentally, but as usual, the choice has been taken away from me - I have no choice but to deal with it, as I've had to deal with everything else that has been painful to me over the years.
I was telling someone recently that it'll be very, very hard not to just isolate myself from everything and everyone once I'm settled - because I know myself well, it might be what will happen. It's yet another cycle where I attempt to make effort to be social - it works for a brief time - then crash and burn, and back to hiding from life for a few years, to "lick my wounds", if you will.
People just don't understand or "get" me, nor I them. They don't understand why I'm not more excited about this house thing, they don't understand why I'm not head-over-heels happy about my grades (I got an A in my information systems course, don't know about the others as of this writing), they don't understand why I'm not more happy about my promotion at work, etc. That's just it - I am happy, okay, but I'm not manic-excited over anything. I can't seem to summon up that much feeling. And maybe that's what's wrong with me. I just feel nothing other than fatalistic, to be honest. "Oh, really. That's great, thanks." Sort of like, I'll take whatever comes, be it good news or a slap in the face, with my fully expecting the latter reaction to happen.
I was thinking the other day about all of the bridges I've burned behind me, and all of the ones that are pretty much on fire now, as I'm transitioning out of my old life and into the unknown. I don't go backward in time anymore, or I try not to. I've learned well what happens when you try to live in the past. Besides, most of my memories are bad, even if I thought at one time they were a good thing... a good example of that is the days where I was running a bulletin board. I thought for a long time that this was a good period in my life, but... when I think of it now, I just want to forget that it ever happened, for some reason. I wasn't a good person back then, nor did I accomplish anything of value. And all of the people connected with that time... they don't evoke any bad memories for me but at the same time I kind of just shy away from them, because I don't know them anymore. They're people I once hung out with, but they're not truly in my life now, nor would I think they'd understand me if they were. I'm in a different place and time... hell, maybe I'm in a different world altogether. The point is that anyone who gets close to me had maybe best be prepared for what always seems to happen... they're going to get left behind, because that's just what it's always been. And it's not of my own choice. They either leave me, or life takes them away.
Anyway. This is starting to take a depressing turn, not that I haven't half felt that way all day, so I'd best end here. If you got this far, that's great, but as usual I've had nothing productive to say, it's just a bunch of fucking whining. Now that I'm good at.
Later.
I was telling someone recently that it'll be very, very hard not to just isolate myself from everything and everyone once I'm settled - because I know myself well, it might be what will happen. It's yet another cycle where I attempt to make effort to be social - it works for a brief time - then crash and burn, and back to hiding from life for a few years, to "lick my wounds", if you will.
People just don't understand or "get" me, nor I them. They don't understand why I'm not more excited about this house thing, they don't understand why I'm not head-over-heels happy about my grades (I got an A in my information systems course, don't know about the others as of this writing), they don't understand why I'm not more happy about my promotion at work, etc. That's just it - I am happy, okay, but I'm not manic-excited over anything. I can't seem to summon up that much feeling. And maybe that's what's wrong with me. I just feel nothing other than fatalistic, to be honest. "Oh, really. That's great, thanks." Sort of like, I'll take whatever comes, be it good news or a slap in the face, with my fully expecting the latter reaction to happen.
I was thinking the other day about all of the bridges I've burned behind me, and all of the ones that are pretty much on fire now, as I'm transitioning out of my old life and into the unknown. I don't go backward in time anymore, or I try not to. I've learned well what happens when you try to live in the past. Besides, most of my memories are bad, even if I thought at one time they were a good thing... a good example of that is the days where I was running a bulletin board. I thought for a long time that this was a good period in my life, but... when I think of it now, I just want to forget that it ever happened, for some reason. I wasn't a good person back then, nor did I accomplish anything of value. And all of the people connected with that time... they don't evoke any bad memories for me but at the same time I kind of just shy away from them, because I don't know them anymore. They're people I once hung out with, but they're not truly in my life now, nor would I think they'd understand me if they were. I'm in a different place and time... hell, maybe I'm in a different world altogether. The point is that anyone who gets close to me had maybe best be prepared for what always seems to happen... they're going to get left behind, because that's just what it's always been. And it's not of my own choice. They either leave me, or life takes them away.
Anyway. This is starting to take a depressing turn, not that I haven't half felt that way all day, so I'd best end here. If you got this far, that's great, but as usual I've had nothing productive to say, it's just a bunch of fucking whining. Now that I'm good at.
Later.
16 April 2010
4am and wide awake.
I should be asleep, especially since I have an exam (the information systems) tonight, but no - I'm laying here with the light on and writing in here. I feel like I'm cracking up. Yesterday, the hell that I call my workplace attempted to tell me that I work this weekend - the same weekend that I have all of these exams and papers due. And I admit it - I lost it. I completely and totally lost it and started sobbing. Right in front of an offender. I have never felt so humiliated in my life, or so upset.
I am not proud of myself right about now.
But, I'm not ashamed either. I lost it, and I lost it because I'm burned out. I can only go so long, bear so much, be this perfect fucking saint that everyone seems to expect. I'm tired of everyone wanting something from me. After a while, you have nothing left to give, and I'm about at that point. I need to hibernate from life for a while. The end of this semester will certainly help that, but I wish I could take a break from school. Alas, my loan deferment will end if I do that, and I definitely can't afford it. So I'll have to enroll again, but maybe I'll take a couple of easy courses this time, just to recover from this stupid math shit. God, I hate math. I despise it, loathe it.
I have felt so sad this week. I don't know if it's a lingering effect from the last post, or because I'm going through some physical discomfort right now, or stress, or all three. But I'm tired of feeling sad. I just want some peace. Really, if someone were to ask me what I wanted above all, it's that - peace.
That's too much to ask, I know. But it doesn't mean I can't want it.
Godalmighty, just help me get through this day without wanting to bury a knife into myself.
I am not proud of myself right about now.
But, I'm not ashamed either. I lost it, and I lost it because I'm burned out. I can only go so long, bear so much, be this perfect fucking saint that everyone seems to expect. I'm tired of everyone wanting something from me. After a while, you have nothing left to give, and I'm about at that point. I need to hibernate from life for a while. The end of this semester will certainly help that, but I wish I could take a break from school. Alas, my loan deferment will end if I do that, and I definitely can't afford it. So I'll have to enroll again, but maybe I'll take a couple of easy courses this time, just to recover from this stupid math shit. God, I hate math. I despise it, loathe it.
I have felt so sad this week. I don't know if it's a lingering effect from the last post, or because I'm going through some physical discomfort right now, or stress, or all three. But I'm tired of feeling sad. I just want some peace. Really, if someone were to ask me what I wanted above all, it's that - peace.
That's too much to ask, I know. But it doesn't mean I can't want it.
Godalmighty, just help me get through this day without wanting to bury a knife into myself.
04 November 2009
Feeling sad and down.
I haven't been feeling real well as of late, as most of you already know. I was diagnosed with a viral infection and was ordered to stay home for part of the week - something I absolutely hate to do, I have the sick time but I don't like to take it - so I've been feeling like crap for the most part. My mental state has also not been good, for a couple of reasons....
What I am about to say may offend the few friends that I have left. If it does offend you, all that I can say is that I'm sorry, and that it's how I feel, and one of the things that I need to be in order to cope with my mental illness is honest with myself.
Some of what is making me sad right now is that I seem to be losing a lot of friends to what I call "The Great Pregnancy Wave of 2009". They're getting pregnant and... losing their sense of identity. Know what I mean? Suddenly it's "the baby" this, "the baby" that, here's the baby clothes baby crib baby sonograms baby names baby baby baby babybabybabybabybaby....
What happened to YOU? My friend? The one who has a separate identity from this person that is now apparently inside of them and has taken over every aspect of your life?
Look, I understand that it's an exciting time in someone's life, for those who choose to or can have children. And that's great, I'm happy for you - honestly. But when it starts to BE your whole life... it gets to be monotonous, boring, and for those who CAN'T have children, hurtful - because it makes them feel even less of a person than they already do. I have one friend that has not posted any kind of an update or has talked about ANYTHING other than her new baby... in over a year. Every single sentence is about how precious and sweet and beautiful her baby is, it cooed, it grinned, it belched, it threw up, etc. Not ONE word about how HER life is, how she feels, what she wants or needs. It's as if she has ceased to exist.
I am starting to realize that I have less and less in common with ANYONE anymore.
What bothers me even more than this, however, is that I'm doing my best to strike out and meet new people... and the people that I meet always have something about them that is a total dealbreaker.
This example is purely hypothetical - but please keep it in mind, because the real situation isn't that far off from what I'm about to tell you.
I met a person recently that I had a lot in common with, and we got along quite well... until they revealed to me that they absolutely despise homosexuals. And I mean DESPISES them - thinks that they should be stoned, thinks them ignorant and stupid and blah blah blah, so on and so on. I felt sick... because I don't at ALL feel that way. And the more I think about it, the more I don't want to hang around this person, even though it's the first friendship I've managed to make since Christ-knows-when.
It's ripping me up. Because even though I like this person, I cannot deal with the hatred. It's awful. It's senseless. And for me, it's a dealbreaker. I've felt horrible ever since that last conversation, because I can't bring myself to call them or to Email them or anything... I just don't want to know anymore. What if I were homosexual, or black, or whatever else one can think of that's been a target of hatred over the years? Would this person feel differently about me? How are they going to react when they find out I'm severely overweight? Will I change in their eyes?
It's a risk I don't want to take. It's a risk that I CAN'T take.
It hurts that there's still so much hatred in this world. It's why I've retreated for so long into a shell that I just don't want to come out of. Call me foolish for still desiring some utopia that will never exist, but... I have no room in my life for people that hate. I just can't and won't put up with it.
Consequently I feel very sad and just... flat today. I hope things get better. :(
What I am about to say may offend the few friends that I have left. If it does offend you, all that I can say is that I'm sorry, and that it's how I feel, and one of the things that I need to be in order to cope with my mental illness is honest with myself.
Some of what is making me sad right now is that I seem to be losing a lot of friends to what I call "The Great Pregnancy Wave of 2009". They're getting pregnant and... losing their sense of identity. Know what I mean? Suddenly it's "the baby" this, "the baby" that, here's the baby clothes baby crib baby sonograms baby names baby baby baby babybabybabybabybaby....
What happened to YOU? My friend? The one who has a separate identity from this person that is now apparently inside of them and has taken over every aspect of your life?
Look, I understand that it's an exciting time in someone's life, for those who choose to or can have children. And that's great, I'm happy for you - honestly. But when it starts to BE your whole life... it gets to be monotonous, boring, and for those who CAN'T have children, hurtful - because it makes them feel even less of a person than they already do. I have one friend that has not posted any kind of an update or has talked about ANYTHING other than her new baby... in over a year. Every single sentence is about how precious and sweet and beautiful her baby is, it cooed, it grinned, it belched, it threw up, etc. Not ONE word about how HER life is, how she feels, what she wants or needs. It's as if she has ceased to exist.
I am starting to realize that I have less and less in common with ANYONE anymore.
What bothers me even more than this, however, is that I'm doing my best to strike out and meet new people... and the people that I meet always have something about them that is a total dealbreaker.
This example is purely hypothetical - but please keep it in mind, because the real situation isn't that far off from what I'm about to tell you.
I met a person recently that I had a lot in common with, and we got along quite well... until they revealed to me that they absolutely despise homosexuals. And I mean DESPISES them - thinks that they should be stoned, thinks them ignorant and stupid and blah blah blah, so on and so on. I felt sick... because I don't at ALL feel that way. And the more I think about it, the more I don't want to hang around this person, even though it's the first friendship I've managed to make since Christ-knows-when.
It's ripping me up. Because even though I like this person, I cannot deal with the hatred. It's awful. It's senseless. And for me, it's a dealbreaker. I've felt horrible ever since that last conversation, because I can't bring myself to call them or to Email them or anything... I just don't want to know anymore. What if I were homosexual, or black, or whatever else one can think of that's been a target of hatred over the years? Would this person feel differently about me? How are they going to react when they find out I'm severely overweight? Will I change in their eyes?
It's a risk I don't want to take. It's a risk that I CAN'T take.
It hurts that there's still so much hatred in this world. It's why I've retreated for so long into a shell that I just don't want to come out of. Call me foolish for still desiring some utopia that will never exist, but... I have no room in my life for people that hate. I just can't and won't put up with it.
Consequently I feel very sad and just... flat today. I hope things get better. :(
16 October 2009
Back to the usual way of things.
Bleh. For some reason, I'm a bit more like "myself" tonight, meaning pessimistic. I don't know if it's because the weather's been so crappy lately (rain, which isn't the bad part - it's adding in the cold that makes it bleh) or what, but I'm just like...oh, God, people are fucking idiots and they act even more so when it's like this out. They can't drive, they complain and bitch (sort of like what I'm doing, haha), and are just such a pleasure to be around. /sarcasm
Don't say one word about how I'm turning into them, or you'll get a backhand across the chops. I promise you. :p
I'm more sleepy than anything, to be honest. I've adjusted to the medicine, but it still makes me feel drowsy on occasion. I did not increase the dosage like the doctor told me to, because I just can't afford it. If I keep at my current level (150mg of the Luvox), I feel fine enough to get through life and I'll be able to stretch it out over a two-month period. I know, I'm going against the doctor's advice, I shouldn't, bleh blah. I know that. But the doctor can afford 145 dollars a month for medicine - I can't. I'm a lowly grade 4 government worker who takes urine for a living, I'm not the President, heh. We need socialized health care, goddamnit. Canada has it, the U.K. has it, Australia has it. When are we going to join the ranks of civilized countries that actually CARE about its populations?
It's funny, but I was reading back over my old posts from when Obama was first elected, and I predicted that he wasn't going to be able to fulfill the promises he made. And so far... he hasn't. I was right - as usual. When are people going to start listening to me and not dismiss my opinions as crackers? :p
You know why I don't really get into political stuff? The reasons are myriad, but I'll start with this - as usual, it goes back to my bitch of a family and what they put me through. My mother was "an activist" - she dragged me along to every protest march she could find when I was growing up, and I eventually grew to hate it - and her. She was "a Communist and proud of it", and she wouldn't hesitate to tell everyone and anyone who would listen - my friends, their parents, their friends, etc. As you can imagine, this didn't make her - or me - popular with my friends' parents, and consequently they dismissed her.... and me. I lost a lot of friends over the course of my life because of her big mouth. Either their parents said that my mother was crazy and not to hang around me anymore, or my peers themselves would get sick of her spouting off about shit that they at ten or eleven couldn't understand anyway.
That's the first reason. Another reason is that I, myself, seem to be in the middle of the road on a lot of issues. I quite frankly am a part of Generation X in that I don't much care about anything that doesn't have to do with me directly. I also don't take a hard line toward one "party" or another as they seem to expect you to do here. I'm pro-abortion and pro-death penalty. I'm for gay marriage and I'm against economic waste. I don't take sides firmly on one issue or another - it is what it is. I once took one of those stupid quizzes on the subject and it stated that I was more of a Libertarian, which I guess is close enough to what I believe in. But I wouldn't apply a label to it. I'm just not political and it makes me ill when someone is too active in it - it's not that I don't respect people who march, I do. But it brings back way too many painful memories for me. I stay as far away from it as I can.
Believe me, I wish that I could sound a little more 'learned' in this blog than I do. But politically? It's painful for me, just like many, many other things in my life.
Man, my family fucked me up but good, didn't they? :( In retrospect, I'm very surprised that my previous and many suicide attempts didn't work - and very lucky. Because most people would have crumbled by now, with all of the issues that I've apparently got.
My mother found out that I was taking Luvox and she was like, "How much more are they going to find that's wrong with you? How much?"
Thanks so much. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have these problems.
These are the kind of people I spring from - insensitive comments like this are a way of life for my family. This is what they do. I'm almost used to it. But now you know why I just won't have children - I wouldn't subject them to this. And as we all know, the violence (physical or emotional) repeats itself. No, thanks.
Sorry for the downbeat turn this has taken - I guess the weather's affecting me, too. It's the start of the weekend, though, which is always good. I hope I'll feel better in a while.
Thanks for listening, if you've gotten this far.
Don't say one word about how I'm turning into them, or you'll get a backhand across the chops. I promise you. :p
I'm more sleepy than anything, to be honest. I've adjusted to the medicine, but it still makes me feel drowsy on occasion. I did not increase the dosage like the doctor told me to, because I just can't afford it. If I keep at my current level (150mg of the Luvox), I feel fine enough to get through life and I'll be able to stretch it out over a two-month period. I know, I'm going against the doctor's advice, I shouldn't, bleh blah. I know that. But the doctor can afford 145 dollars a month for medicine - I can't. I'm a lowly grade 4 government worker who takes urine for a living, I'm not the President, heh. We need socialized health care, goddamnit. Canada has it, the U.K. has it, Australia has it. When are we going to join the ranks of civilized countries that actually CARE about its populations?
It's funny, but I was reading back over my old posts from when Obama was first elected, and I predicted that he wasn't going to be able to fulfill the promises he made. And so far... he hasn't. I was right - as usual. When are people going to start listening to me and not dismiss my opinions as crackers? :p
You know why I don't really get into political stuff? The reasons are myriad, but I'll start with this - as usual, it goes back to my bitch of a family and what they put me through. My mother was "an activist" - she dragged me along to every protest march she could find when I was growing up, and I eventually grew to hate it - and her. She was "a Communist and proud of it", and she wouldn't hesitate to tell everyone and anyone who would listen - my friends, their parents, their friends, etc. As you can imagine, this didn't make her - or me - popular with my friends' parents, and consequently they dismissed her.... and me. I lost a lot of friends over the course of my life because of her big mouth. Either their parents said that my mother was crazy and not to hang around me anymore, or my peers themselves would get sick of her spouting off about shit that they at ten or eleven couldn't understand anyway.
That's the first reason. Another reason is that I, myself, seem to be in the middle of the road on a lot of issues. I quite frankly am a part of Generation X in that I don't much care about anything that doesn't have to do with me directly. I also don't take a hard line toward one "party" or another as they seem to expect you to do here. I'm pro-abortion and pro-death penalty. I'm for gay marriage and I'm against economic waste. I don't take sides firmly on one issue or another - it is what it is. I once took one of those stupid quizzes on the subject and it stated that I was more of a Libertarian, which I guess is close enough to what I believe in. But I wouldn't apply a label to it. I'm just not political and it makes me ill when someone is too active in it - it's not that I don't respect people who march, I do. But it brings back way too many painful memories for me. I stay as far away from it as I can.
Believe me, I wish that I could sound a little more 'learned' in this blog than I do. But politically? It's painful for me, just like many, many other things in my life.
Man, my family fucked me up but good, didn't they? :( In retrospect, I'm very surprised that my previous and many suicide attempts didn't work - and very lucky. Because most people would have crumbled by now, with all of the issues that I've apparently got.
My mother found out that I was taking Luvox and she was like, "How much more are they going to find that's wrong with you? How much?"
Thanks so much. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have these problems.
These are the kind of people I spring from - insensitive comments like this are a way of life for my family. This is what they do. I'm almost used to it. But now you know why I just won't have children - I wouldn't subject them to this. And as we all know, the violence (physical or emotional) repeats itself. No, thanks.
Sorry for the downbeat turn this has taken - I guess the weather's affecting me, too. It's the start of the weekend, though, which is always good. I hope I'll feel better in a while.
Thanks for listening, if you've gotten this far.
20 September 2009
Not doing too well.
I have felt a range of emotions today, most of them not good. From disconnection to anger to intense sadness, I've been through the wringer. I guess that this trip wasn't so good for my psyche after all, because I've been an emotional (and to a point, physical) wreck ever since. It's hard when you're criticized for 9 days straight and can't seem to get away from it... also hard to hear praises on high being heaped upon your sibling constantly at the same time.
I've given up ever thinking that my family will be anything but toxic to me. I'm not going to try anymore to gain their approval or their love. What's the point? It only gets me into a world of hurt. I don't even want anything from any of them anymore - no financial help, no contact, no nothing. I will do the basic minimum that I have to, and no more. I've taken major, major steps back in my emotional health and I can feel it.
It's times like this that I just want to drop everything and run away - to start over in a new place, new environment, where no one knows me and I can be who I am without any judgments or recriminations. But alas, this is real life and I can only 'escape' so much. Isn't that what I've tried to do all of my life? Escape?
In a way I'll be glad to go to work tomorrow - at least it's routine. I can go back to routine and just... try to repair the damage done.
Sorry for the "downer" post... not that I feel anyone's listening, anyway. I asked the question on my Facebook the other day, who would miss me if I never came back...
I got one response. That's right... one. At least that one person said something, and for that, Warren, I thank you...
I'm seriously about to just become a hermit. I won't get hurt that way....
I've given up ever thinking that my family will be anything but toxic to me. I'm not going to try anymore to gain their approval or their love. What's the point? It only gets me into a world of hurt. I don't even want anything from any of them anymore - no financial help, no contact, no nothing. I will do the basic minimum that I have to, and no more. I've taken major, major steps back in my emotional health and I can feel it.
It's times like this that I just want to drop everything and run away - to start over in a new place, new environment, where no one knows me and I can be who I am without any judgments or recriminations. But alas, this is real life and I can only 'escape' so much. Isn't that what I've tried to do all of my life? Escape?
In a way I'll be glad to go to work tomorrow - at least it's routine. I can go back to routine and just... try to repair the damage done.
Sorry for the "downer" post... not that I feel anyone's listening, anyway. I asked the question on my Facebook the other day, who would miss me if I never came back...
I got one response. That's right... one. At least that one person said something, and for that, Warren, I thank you...
I'm seriously about to just become a hermit. I won't get hurt that way....
22 August 2009
My mood is as black as this background.
I don't know why I feel bad today. I was supposed to go out to Sandy Point today, but... I woke up feeling depressed and out-of-sorts, so I didn't bother. That's really my entire outlook right now.. why bother. I don't know what's going on with me, but I just feel so down. Like life has no meaning and nothing I do will make a difference...
Instead of going out today, I've spent most of the day crying in my room. I thought I was over this bullshit.. no doubt my lack of staying on my medications has finally hit me square in the face.
I don't care about anything today. If I were to get word that I failed my crim course (which I most likely did anyway), I'd be like... so what. I lived, ate and breathed this class for weeks, and now... who gives a rat's ass what happens. It's all futile.
I feel as low as you can go right now. Are the suicidal thoughts back? Honestly... they are. Oh, I won't do it.. but right now it sure seems like a good option to end this constant fucking pain I'm in.
I don't even feel comfortable bitching here anymore. Too many people read this thing now. Instead of having a safe place to get it out... now I feel like a stupid, whiny emo. I really do.
God, somebody help me. Please... :'(
Instead of going out today, I've spent most of the day crying in my room. I thought I was over this bullshit.. no doubt my lack of staying on my medications has finally hit me square in the face.
I don't care about anything today. If I were to get word that I failed my crim course (which I most likely did anyway), I'd be like... so what. I lived, ate and breathed this class for weeks, and now... who gives a rat's ass what happens. It's all futile.
I feel as low as you can go right now. Are the suicidal thoughts back? Honestly... they are. Oh, I won't do it.. but right now it sure seems like a good option to end this constant fucking pain I'm in.
I don't even feel comfortable bitching here anymore. Too many people read this thing now. Instead of having a safe place to get it out... now I feel like a stupid, whiny emo. I really do.
God, somebody help me. Please... :'(
17 July 2009
Last day in the old apartment...
By tomorrow morning, I'll be moved once again, this time to a nice, spacious apartment in the middle of downtown Baltimore. In some ways I can't wait for it - I'm thoroughly sick of Towson - but... God, I just don't want to move anymore. I've spent my entire life moving, it seems, and I've never been in a place any more than two or three years at the most. After a while, you just get... tired. And I'm starting to get too old to be moving from place to place to place to place. I know that this isn't even the end of it, because one of these days I'll buy a house when I know where I want to settle down for good. Question is... will I ever know that?
Forgive me. I am melancholy today. I sort of knew this would happen. I am just tired of it all, and it's the culmination of many weeks of stress. I just want it all to be over with.
I'll write more once I'm settled, promise, and thanks for bearing with me, Faithful Readers. It's much appreciated. I do think about you all, even though it might not seem that I do.
One of these days this song will fit... and I'll know that I'm "home". Wherever that might be.
Forgive me. I am melancholy today. I sort of knew this would happen. I am just tired of it all, and it's the culmination of many weeks of stress. I just want it all to be over with.
I'll write more once I'm settled, promise, and thanks for bearing with me, Faithful Readers. It's much appreciated. I do think about you all, even though it might not seem that I do.
One of these days this song will fit... and I'll know that I'm "home". Wherever that might be.
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