Quick update. Very quick.

I'm tired as hell, so I'm just stopping in to let everyone know that I'm still alive.  :p  I've found out a couple of things over the last week that have pissed me off to no end (it mainly involves the situation with Recent D-bag, heh), but in truth.... it's seriously just starting to not matter to me anymore.  There was a time where such news would have crippled me for weeks.  Today, I barely gave it a thought.  Because that's how much it's worth - maybe a dismissive, "Whatthefuckever, dumbass", then on to the next thing.

Some exciting-ish news tonight, but I unfortunately can't share it yet - I've been requested to "hold back" for a while.  But it's definitely good news, and it's definitely something that I didn't expect to happen.  As soon as I get the "all clear" to share it, I surely will.

I know... mysterious!  But all will be revealed in time.

Finished my Christmas shopping today.  Christ, but it's been one expensive year.  But hey - this is so going to be worth it.  It's the first Christmas that I'll have in years that has meant anything to me.  It's the first Christmas I've not been all alone or lonely or depressed in nearly ten years.  I cannot wait for it.  As far as I'm concerned, that is priceless.

My life is going very, very well - maybe too well.  

More of an update later on when I have some time.  This weekend's going to be hellish busy, it's the last week of the winter semester and I have massive papers due.  No exams, though, thank Christ for that.

Until then.

Massive turkey-filled update!

As everyone can see, I've yet again done some major revamping of the blog.  I'm still not all that satisfied with the look; the red background with black accents is classy-looking (and as it's a combination of my two favorite colors, it's aesthetically appealing to me, personally), but... I sort of miss the "tight" look of the old black background with the cityscape header.  I really, really dislike the header now, but I don't really have much time to create a new one.  Once I manage to get some more time (yeah, right), I may fuss with it again.

In the meantime, you'll have to take what you get.  :p  At least it looks somewhat festive for the holidays.  I guess that's what I was trying to get at, but I think red and green as a combination blows chunks, myself.

I'm feeling better now that Thanksgiving is over and done with.  I had Greg and my mother over; she actually behaved herself for a rare switch.  My mother likes Greg (well, as much as she can like any man, I suppose); this has proven to be an extremely rare thing.  She's never liked anyone I've dated, and unfortunately that dislike has seeped into my relationships in one form or another.  I'm still convinced that she's angry and bitter over my father's betrayal all those years ago - which isn't my fault, but somehow I and my brother paid the price for that anyway.  But, anyway.... the feast was a success, at least in my view it was; so that can't be a bad thing.  Since Greg has to work a whole lot right now (the curse of the holidays, sigh), I'm spending my weekend just catching up on things; basic chores, putting up decorations (I know, since when did I decorate for the holidays???), listening to music, doing schoolwork, etc.

School is going fine, I guess.  I'm not all that convinced that the instructor teaching the public policy course actually knows anything of what he's doing, though.  But I have to try and get through it, as it's of course a required class.  The film course is as I'd expected, a lot of fun, and I've been seeing some really good black-and-whites as of late.  "Strangers on a Train" was the last one - Hitchcock, of course - man, was that Robert Walker character a creepy one or what?  Left impressions on me that'll last for weeks.

The job front is as always; nerve-plucking, irritating, lazy-assed coworkers that can't get shit right.  In other words, as usual.  But I did apply for a project specialist job with the same agency, and I made the referral list twice - which means two upcoming interviews.  God, I'm nervous.  I haven't had to do one of these in over 4 years, and I've never been good with interviewing; but, shit, I did the drug lab interview at the height of my depression and I managed to get that, so I suppose that I shouldn't worry so much.  In any case, I'm waiting on a call from the selecting officials, so we'll see what happens.  As always, more shall follow.

I'm making (as of now) fluid plans to maybe buy a new car; Greg promised to teach me how to drive and get this bullshit with the MVA sorted out.  I really think they fucked up down there; okay, I'm half-blind, but I know damn well I can see well enough to drive, so I'm going to try yet again and not go through the Medical Advisory Board, not yet.  I hope I won't need to, but we'll see.  I'll probably do this in March or so, if I do it.  Still pondering things.  Despite my woeful financial state, my credit is actually excellent (over 700) - now I just have to keep it this way.

Contemplating cancelling therapy for good.  I find that I need it less and less, and when I do go down there, I find that I just don't have that much to talk about anymore.  I just want to make sure that I don't need it because I'm healthy enough to go on without it, not because Greg's here and seems to be my salvation in everything.  That's exactly what I don't want to happen - Greg is a beautiful addition to my life.  But not "my life"; as I've said before.  Right now, things are going well.  We've celebrated six months together as of yesterday, and while it's not the wild limerance of the early days, it's comfortable and happy and we're establishing routines, getting to know one another well, spending time together.  It's proving to last beyond the initial excitement; and isn't that what everyone wants out of a relationship?

I've had a great deal to be thankful for this past Thanksgiving, and I'm incredibly grateful for all I do have.  I'm not very religious, admittedly, but I do think that blessings have finally come my way.  I'm determined to enjoy them, to not feel guilty for enjoying them, and to make the most of what I have and what I'll continue to receive.

Hey.... I think I've finally grown up.  :)

Anyhow, I've rambled on long enough, so I'll conclude here.  I don't get a lot of chances to write anymore, and even when I do, I find that I have little to really say that's different.  Perhaps I'll start doing the old "memes" again, or find something to expound upon that'll be interesting.  I'm really glad that it's not a bunch of complaining anymore.  I'm glad I'm not that person anymore.

I'm healthy, happy, loved, and fulfilled.  What more can one ask from life?

Ciao for now.  :p

Word of the week: discursive. (Snicker.)

In all honesty, I'm really feeling way too tired to post anything tonight. There's been a lot going on, though, as usual. It's funny how my life's turned from a slow-motion, depression-filled drag to one that's almost warp-speed and full of action. Is it bad to say that I actually long for a bit of ... well, I guess that "calm" isn't really the word I'm looking for, but perhaps I could use "dilatoriness" instead. (Hah... now who's the vocabulary vixen, Mr. Greg? Lawl.)

I was ruminating over my upcoming "end of year" post, thinking about everything that's happened to me since January. To be sure, this has been one hell of a wild year, and I'm sure that the last month and a half will be no different. In truth, I don't think I really want it any other way. After the last six years of pain, depression, sadness and tears.... I welcome everything that has happened to me in the last six months.

That is going to be one long-assed post, let me tell you.

So, a quick fill-in on everything that's happening:

- My (should be) final orthopedic appointment is tomorrow morning. The doctor will check out my wrist, but in all honesty, there's really nothing more he can do for me. My wrist is as healed as it's going to be. There's still some pain in the arm, a bit of stiffness, but there's not much I can do except live with it. I can use my arm again, I can write and type and lift things (though heavy items are still kind of unknown - I haven't pushed myself that far yet - once the doctor tells me for sure that the bones are healed, I'll try that out when I get the opportunity). That's all I can ask for.

- I dropped a heavy can of tomatoes on my big toe, and over the last few weeks, the nail's been slowly coming off - bit by painful, bloody, nasty bit. It finally fell all the way off tonight. Eeeeww. That's all there is to be said about that - just, eeeeww.

(This has NOT been a good year for me, medical-wise, unfortunately.)

- OB appointment went fine. There was a minor issue, but nothing that is life-threatening or massive, and I am in the clear until next year. Unfortunately, that's the year the stupid mammograms and Pap tests start - and Dr. Lynch is insistent about it, sigh. For once, I have a really great OB, though; she's sensitive to the fact that I have issues with this whole thing. Thank Christ for Fed insurance, man - I have the best doctors I could ask for.

Considering that I spent 20+ years abusing my body and never seeing doctors, ever, for anything - I'm amazingly healthy.

School is going well. The film class is a real blast - I love it. I get to watch movies with Greg on the weekends, which is not only accomplishing homework, but it's great bonding time as well. I love cuddling up with the Mister and watching the old black and whites or a good action film. I couldn't ask for a better way to do homework. :) The public policy class is, as I thought, boring, but it's flexible as far as class assignment dates (so far) and that helps. I've only had one grade so far in there, but it's a 90, so I can't be too upset about that.

I am seriously, seriously considering going on for a master's after I graduate. I know, it means spending more money in loans - but what the fuck? What do I have to lose? At UMUC I can also get a dual degree - an MS in crim management and an MBA at the same time - it's only 18 additional credits. Again - what the fuck? If it means I've accomplished something good, so be it, right?

I've also considered going for a health degree or certification as well, though. Time enough to think about that - I just want to get the B.S. done first.

It looks like I will, and very shortly, too. :o I'm amazed at myself, really...

Greg and I will celebrate 6 months together on the day after Thanksgiving. It's still as good as day one. The crunch, as we both tend to say, is still in the cookie. We've settled into a routine, the two of us, and while it's not all sunshine and roses (we both work an awful lot, and bad schedules at that)... it's a beautiful thing we've got.

I hesitate to let down my guard, or relax completely, not yet. But he's great for me. I hope that it's reciprocated.

And so concludes another update of my boring, yet queerly interesting at the same time, life. I look back on old entries - a year, 2 years ago at this time - and it's like a different person wrote them. Another world. Another life. Was that really me?

This new world of mine feels good. Really good. :)

Life is delicious - literally!

Greg and I went to the Baltimore Book Festival a couple of weekends ago, and we really didn't pick up all that much, to be honest. However, we did buy a few cookbooks - he's wonderfully supportive of my hobby of occasionally trying out recipes and learning more about how to make really good meals.

One of the cookbooks that we bought - for five measly bucks, yet - was one by Cristina Ferrare. Apparently she has some cooking show on the Oprah Channel, or whatever it is (I wouldn't know, as I find Oprah detestable at best).

Greg decided that he would surprise me tonight with dinner. Normally I'll cook on the weekends, because he has to work a good deal of the time and I always have more free time than he does. Well, surprise me he did - with Chicken Piccata and mashed potatoes from scratch, probably one of the best meals I have ever had in my entire life. Eating that chicken literally brought tears of pleasure to my eyes.

And I'm not usually a chicken kind of woman. :D

There is nothing, nothing, nothing better on this planet than a man who not only knows how to cook, but takes pure pleasure in it!

Yes. I officially proclaim myself the luckiest woman alive. (grin)

He'd just better watch out, I have a couple of recipes lined up from The Vegetarian Epicure to hit him with... :D

The wounds are beginning to close.

I start this with the feeling that I want to write something, but... I don't really have a clear purpose in mind. This most likely means that it's going to be a lot of rambling about nothing, so if you don't really give a rat's ass about the inner workings of my head, it's probably best to skip this one. It's okay, really - I won't be upset about it. :p

My wrist and hand are doing a lot better, though they're not "fixed" by any means. I am still having trouble with some things such as putting on a bra or clothes that have to be buttoned (though I'm doing well with tying shoelaces, oddly). Today, I was able to tie my hair back into a tail for the first time since the accident, a very good sign. I am able to type again with both hands, though on a limited basis (I can only do it for short periods before I have to "rest" again - it's the way the cast is wrapped, bluh). My next orthopedic appointment is for October 5th, and there's a good possibility that I'll be able to get the cast off completely, though I'm sure I'll still have to wear a soft brace for a while. Still, it's better than this heavy monstrosity that seems to weigh more and more each passing day. Ugh!

I once again have been thinking of my recent past... only now I just feel indifference. It no longer matters. None of it does. I have survived the pain and I have come out on the other side stronger, healthier, more determined than ever. Perhaps the ghosts have finally been vanquished... or at the very least, put to rest.

Yesterday, my therapist shortened my appointments to once a month. When I first began seeing him, it was once a week. It's further proof that the depression is now fading away, or at least has been pushed way, way back onto the closet shelf. It gives me hope that I continue to improve, little by little, day by day. I hope that the depression stays gone - forever.

Still, I bear its scars. I suspect that I always will.

My relationship with Greg continues to flourish. I still pinch myself some days, wondering how all of this came to be... but I am trying not to question my good fortune, but to simply enjoy it.

It's strange, but I now wonder what this blog will become, now that my mental health has improved, if not been restored altogether. This used to be my complaining ground, my "best friend", the one place that I knew I could scream, whine, be emo, cry, sob my stupid head off. But now? I don't really know what purpose it serves these days, as I have very little to complain or cry about. I question whether I will - or should - continue to write in it. The lack of posting recently is no accident, really - I've just not had too much to say. I've been too busy living my life - and I've discovered that there IS a life out there!

(Though my wrist being broken doesn't lead me to want to use it too much in the pursuit of writing, or anything else. There is that, heh.)

And now, a video. :p Actually... this song has a certain meaning to me, as it's one of the last songs I remember... before the depression took over my life. :(

Yes, I cry when I hear this.

Enjoy. Until next time.

Must. Share. This.

I needed to hear this today. :)

Text for those who can't see :p

"Hope is what gets you out of bed in the morning when it's the day of prom and you haven't been asked.
Hope pushed the caterpillar through the cocoon and what drives the salmon upstream
Your breasts may be small and your glasses may be thick, but hope doesn't hold up a mirror.
Hope is a horizon we head for, leaving nothing behind us but fear. And though we may never reach our goals. It's hope that is going to save us from who we once were."
- Family Guy E9S9

The "new" mordacious?

As everyone can see, there's a new look floating about around here. It's not as... uh, black as it used to be. I'm not sure if I'll actually keep the theme that's up now - I'm not used to all of this bright pastel shit - but it won't go back to what it was before. It's a work in progress, much like myself.

I have continued to take steps toward healing. I am currently in the process of sorting and organizing the massive piles of paper that have collected over the past six years when I was... "out", we'll say. Unfortunately, organization is not my strong point, just like housekeeping isn't, heh... so there's a lot to do. A lot. But it'll get done eventually. In the meantime, I've begun clearing out remnants of my past, both on paper and in my head. I've opened up a lot more about those dark years that were my depression.. that led up to my depression. I've shed some tears over it, yes, but they're the sort of tears that I think have to come... the ones that burn inside until you can't hold them back anymore. It's a catharsis. I'm beginning to truly heal, it's not just show.

I have begun to let go of a lot of people, a lot of things. I am starting to see what was real... and what was fallacy. I'm starting to realize that I held impossible dreams about situations and about certain people that were never slated to come true, were never possible except in my own cracked head. And that's okay, because it allowed me to survive what I needed to. When I think now of losing certain things in my life... mainly the obsession that so ruled me over the last few years.... I still feel a slight sting. But that's all it is - a sting. Nothing more. It passes, and I'm myself again. I am still alive. I am still me. :) I didn't die.

Indeed, I no longer think about these things anymore.

Do I have regrets for the way I've treated certain people? Oh, you bet I do. I was stupid in a lot of ways. But... maybe it was all meant to be this way, because I wouldn't have what I have now. And what I have now is pretty damned good, honestly.

For example. I don't refer much to the person that I lived with in Georgia (not my ex-husband, the person after him) because it was incredibly painful, both the situation and the ending. I still haven't processed a lot of this situation yet, so I'm slowly working on coming to grips with the bleak reality of where I was and what I was doing (or not doing). However, I got curious (always a bad thing) and looked him up on the evil Eff-Bee to see if he was there, what he was doing, etc. I found out that he had moved to Florida and was in a new relationship.

There's that slight sting again. But... I was oddly peaceful with what I'd found out. The fact is that he and I were never meant to be, obviously - he's with a new person, I'm with a new person. I'd venture to bet that he's just as happy with his new love as I am with mine. So... in a way, while the past hurts a bit, perhaps I was meant to go through that hurt to appreciate the good things that I have now. Does that make any sense?

There are things about that time that I'm not proud of. Things that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I will eventually talk about them, most likely here. And I'll probably cry my eyes out while talking about them. But...catharsis. Healing. Purging the sick from my soul so that I continue to grow, to learn, to heal. It's what I need to do. It's what I continue to strive for.

I have learned much in the last 8 months.

Things are going well otherwise. My relationship with Greg is as strong as ever, even though we're both tired a lot because of work schedules (and they conflict, bluh, figures) and we don't see one another nearly as much as we'd like. The limerance has ended, certainly - we're not starry-eyed teenagers, heh - but I think we have plenty of strength and a solid base from which to begin building on. I still have fears, a lot of the time - but that's only natural given what I've been through. He understands this, bless him. He is truly one in a million.

I'm laying here writing this and listening to him breathing beside me. It's a good sound. A solid, comforting sound. It's something that I could find myself listening to forever. :)

Okay, everyone go "awwwww" now. :p

Nothing else is new, really. But you know what? Sometimes that's a good thing. :D