Not much more to say than this...

Quick update. Very quick.

I'm tired as hell, so I'm just stopping in to let everyone know that I'm still alive.  :p  I've found out a couple of things over the last week that have pissed me off to no end (it mainly involves the situation with Recent D-bag, heh), but in truth.... it's seriously just starting to not matter to me anymore.  There was a time where such news would have crippled me for weeks.  Today, I barely gave it a thought.  Because that's how much it's worth - maybe a dismissive, "Whatthefuckever, dumbass", then on to the next thing.

Some exciting-ish news tonight, but I unfortunately can't share it yet - I've been requested to "hold back" for a while.  But it's definitely good news, and it's definitely something that I didn't expect to happen.  As soon as I get the "all clear" to share it, I surely will.

I know... mysterious!  But all will be revealed in time.

Finished my Christmas shopping today.  Christ, but it's been one expensive year.  But hey - this is so going to be worth it.  It's the first Christmas that I'll have in years that has meant anything to me.  It's the first Christmas I've not been all alone or lonely or depressed in nearly ten years.  I cannot wait for it.  As far as I'm concerned, that is priceless.

My life is going very, very well - maybe too well.  

More of an update later on when I have some time.  This weekend's going to be hellish busy, it's the last week of the winter semester and I have massive papers due.  No exams, though, thank Christ for that.

Until then.

The triumphant return of the Saturday 9.

Ladies and gentlemen....since my health is now much better, I am proudly announcing the triumphant return of:



I haven't done these kinds of things in a very long time.  It's nice to be able to focus on something other than my craziness for a switch!  :)


1. “Everybody lies. But it's alright because nobody listens.” is one of Bud's Law's. What do you lie about?


I want to say, "nothing at all", but that would be a lie in itself, so.... I guess I'll have to say my weight.  :(  Those who are closest to me know the truth - like it's hard to hide, haha.  To quantify this statement; I don't necessarily lie about it, but I also don't talk about it either, and if one were to ask me I'd either lie my face off or go the honest, but brutal route;  i.e., "none of your freaking business".

2. When you purchase a DVD, what besides the the movie itself, what do you enjoy the most? Is it the director's commentary, the deleted scenes, the bloopers or the behind-the-scenes documentary? 


It depends on the content, to be honest.  When I purchased the Dave Chappelle series, I loved the "goofs" reel; it made me laugh like crazy.  But with full-length movies, it's usually deleted scenes or behind-the-scenes documentary features.  I usually compare the entire movie to the list they maintain on imdb and try to "spot the errors".  


I know.  I'm weird like that.

3. What would you most like to accomplish before the year is over? 


Honestly, I'd like to graduate from college before 2011 ends, but seeing that I still have 35 credits left to go before that can be done, I don't see it happening.  :p


4. What is your current percentage of online shopping? Is it going to be more this year than last?


When I do shop, it's 95% online, mainly because I don't have access to a car right now and there isn't much choice in inner city Baltimore (right now, anyway).  Even if there were, I only have two hands and I can't really take heavy things home on the light rail.  If you're asking this question in the Christmas vein, I've bought all I'm going to for this year.

5. What's left to do at your place (or where you are going)? Is the tree up? ...or maybe you're just happy you found that fave Christmas coffee mug and are calling that good? 


Everything is up and decorated.  My house is still a bit skimpy on the decorations because I just don't have enough, but next year I'll be a bit more prepared.  Considering that I haven't decorated at all for the past six years, I think it looks pretty damned good.  :)

6. If you could get worry free, cost free plastic surgery, would you? If yes, where?


No, I wouldn't.  One of the things I've had to learn over the course of my depression is to accept myself for who I am, flaws and faults and all.  If others can't accept me, that's on them - it's no longer my problem.  


7. Do you think the child you were growing up, would like the adult you've become? 


This is a very hard question for me; because the child was abused and neglected.  I didn't have much of a choice in becoming the adult that I have.  Everything that I've had to do in my life was borne from a survival instinct; first to survive the abuse, then to relearn new coping skills and techniques (that I'm still not sure I've gotten "down" quite yet, to be honest).  I continue to struggle with fundamentals.  But I'm learning and growing, every day.  That's what matters.  :)

8. What will you miss about 2011?

I want to say my sense of self-discovery, of reawakening to the joys of life; does that make sense?  It's so hard for me to explain how I've felt this past year, because it's all happened so fast, so suddenly... one day I felt like killing myself, wanting to die, dragging, uninterested in life... then my life did a 180, just like that.  The depression fell away like a healing scab over a wound.  It was just there one day, then... it was gone.  I can't even explain what happened, or why.  But I'm grateful.  The last six months have been cataclysmal.  A huge awakening from a long-term nightmare.  If nothing else, I will miss the feelings I had when I stepped out of the darkness and into the sunlight.  In so many ways.

9. What is something you'd love to see invented?


I thought Rita Mae Brown's idea of a light-up umbrella so you could find your way home on dark, rainy nights was a rather clever one, myself.


Wow.  It's been a long, long time since I did one of these.  I'm exhausted!  :D


One quick piece of news:  my friend Cathy has a lovely blog about being a big, fat couch potato.  Okay, well, not really the last phrase.  But her blog is awesomesauce.  Check it out here.

Enough, biatches.  I'm for bed.  Love and stuff.  <3

Massive turkey-filled update!

As everyone can see, I've yet again done some major revamping of the blog.  I'm still not all that satisfied with the look; the red background with black accents is classy-looking (and as it's a combination of my two favorite colors, it's aesthetically appealing to me, personally), but... I sort of miss the "tight" look of the old black background with the cityscape header.  I really, really dislike the header now, but I don't really have much time to create a new one.  Once I manage to get some more time (yeah, right), I may fuss with it again.

In the meantime, you'll have to take what you get.  :p  At least it looks somewhat festive for the holidays.  I guess that's what I was trying to get at, but I think red and green as a combination blows chunks, myself.

I'm feeling better now that Thanksgiving is over and done with.  I had Greg and my mother over; she actually behaved herself for a rare switch.  My mother likes Greg (well, as much as she can like any man, I suppose); this has proven to be an extremely rare thing.  She's never liked anyone I've dated, and unfortunately that dislike has seeped into my relationships in one form or another.  I'm still convinced that she's angry and bitter over my father's betrayal all those years ago - which isn't my fault, but somehow I and my brother paid the price for that anyway.  But, anyway.... the feast was a success, at least in my view it was; so that can't be a bad thing.  Since Greg has to work a whole lot right now (the curse of the holidays, sigh), I'm spending my weekend just catching up on things; basic chores, putting up decorations (I know, since when did I decorate for the holidays???), listening to music, doing schoolwork, etc.

School is going fine, I guess.  I'm not all that convinced that the instructor teaching the public policy course actually knows anything of what he's doing, though.  But I have to try and get through it, as it's of course a required class.  The film course is as I'd expected, a lot of fun, and I've been seeing some really good black-and-whites as of late.  "Strangers on a Train" was the last one - Hitchcock, of course - man, was that Robert Walker character a creepy one or what?  Left impressions on me that'll last for weeks.

The job front is as always; nerve-plucking, irritating, lazy-assed coworkers that can't get shit right.  In other words, as usual.  But I did apply for a project specialist job with the same agency, and I made the referral list twice - which means two upcoming interviews.  God, I'm nervous.  I haven't had to do one of these in over 4 years, and I've never been good with interviewing; but, shit, I did the drug lab interview at the height of my depression and I managed to get that, so I suppose that I shouldn't worry so much.  In any case, I'm waiting on a call from the selecting officials, so we'll see what happens.  As always, more shall follow.

I'm making (as of now) fluid plans to maybe buy a new car; Greg promised to teach me how to drive and get this bullshit with the MVA sorted out.  I really think they fucked up down there; okay, I'm half-blind, but I know damn well I can see well enough to drive, so I'm going to try yet again and not go through the Medical Advisory Board, not yet.  I hope I won't need to, but we'll see.  I'll probably do this in March or so, if I do it.  Still pondering things.  Despite my woeful financial state, my credit is actually excellent (over 700) - now I just have to keep it this way.

Contemplating cancelling therapy for good.  I find that I need it less and less, and when I do go down there, I find that I just don't have that much to talk about anymore.  I just want to make sure that I don't need it because I'm healthy enough to go on without it, not because Greg's here and seems to be my salvation in everything.  That's exactly what I don't want to happen - Greg is a beautiful addition to my life.  But not "my life"; as I've said before.  Right now, things are going well.  We've celebrated six months together as of yesterday, and while it's not the wild limerance of the early days, it's comfortable and happy and we're establishing routines, getting to know one another well, spending time together.  It's proving to last beyond the initial excitement; and isn't that what everyone wants out of a relationship?

I've had a great deal to be thankful for this past Thanksgiving, and I'm incredibly grateful for all I do have.  I'm not very religious, admittedly, but I do think that blessings have finally come my way.  I'm determined to enjoy them, to not feel guilty for enjoying them, and to make the most of what I have and what I'll continue to receive.

Hey.... I think I've finally grown up.  :)

Anyhow, I've rambled on long enough, so I'll conclude here.  I don't get a lot of chances to write anymore, and even when I do, I find that I have little to really say that's different.  Perhaps I'll start doing the old "memes" again, or find something to expound upon that'll be interesting.  I'm really glad that it's not a bunch of complaining anymore.  I'm glad I'm not that person anymore.

I'm healthy, happy, loved, and fulfilled.  What more can one ask from life?

Ciao for now.  :p

Potentially controversial post. Be warned.

I'm well aware that not everyone is going to agree with me on the issue that I'm about to speak of; indeed, I expect some vehement anger to come forth, actually. But if there's one thing I have learned in the last year and a half, it's that I'm not going to be silenced just because my opinion is unpopular. So, with that said, I shall now continue my original train of thought.

On my Facebook feed today, I've noticed that everyone and sundry is recognizing Veteran's Day. "Thanks to everyone that's served, that continues to serve, we wouldn't have the freedoms we do without you, etc., etc., etc."

I know that I'm going to seem horribly anti-American for my sentiment here, and if you feel that way, I'm sorry that you're going to take it the wrong way. And you WILL take it the wrong way.

But... somehow I just can't seem to feel thankful for the fact that thousands of American soldiers have died overseas - for what? Seriously, for what? The right for our corrupted, greedy government to rape the Middle East of oil in the name of profit? So that we can fill our gas-guzzling cars and pollute the air even more than it already is? So that thousands, millions, of citizens in countries far away from Japan to Iraq could die in the name of an ideal, an ideal that in the end means nothing at all?

How about the soldiers in the armed forces that make little to nothing for their families? While the very people that they serve, their fat-cat bosses in the United States Congress, sit on their over-privileged asses and make six-figure salaries for their rest of their useless lives? Is THIS something to be thankful for?

Let's talk about the people coming home from Vietnam, in their wheelchairs, with their arms and legs blown off, now sitting on street corners homeless with cardboard signs begging for food, or going insane in mental hospitals because they have endless recurring nightmares of the innocent women and children they shot - "in the name of freedom". Yeah, how about that for a celebration?

Maybe before we toot our proverbial horns about being thankful on Veteran's Day for the people that have served this greedy, selfish country, we need to consider that these same people need decent food, housing, medical care and a standard of living that's just a bit more than a cardboard box under a highway.

How about THAT for thanking veterans, America? Think you can manage that?

Didn't think so.

Approaching the end of my "staycation".

It's been a whirlwind few days here at casa Ray. I haven't really done too much other than relax, settle in with my new relationship, and simply enjoyed my days off from the drug lab - though I'll have to come in on Thursday and Friday, bleh. Still, it's a fair trade-off for all that I've received in the last couple of weeks.

I've been mindlessly happy. It's sort of frightening that my life went from shit to pure bliss in a matter of only days. I'm cautious, however, even though I really for once in my life don't want to be - I actually WANT to believe that things are going to go my way for a rare change. And I've been really stepping out of my comfort zone as of late - I'm thinking about going to get a freaking tattoo on my body, which is about as far from the comfort zone as I can get!

I don't really know what's happened to me, but I'm enjoying every minute of it while I can. I just hope, pray, that it's not all a fragile house of cards that will collapse when the wind blows too hard. I really pray that's not the case.

I know, the dreaded word (which is now considered a curse word in the house) - patience. Sigh.

Just a quick update for now. I don't actually know when I'll be able to write again - I always mean to get around to it, but... well, I've been too busy AND too happy, I suppose. Maybe that's a good thing.

A thought about Mother's Day.

Let me preface this post with a simple fact: my mother and I have never gotten along, nor do we get along now if we spend more than say 3 hours at a time together. I already know that if I ever have to live with her again (whether it's because of my having to take care of her, which isn't a far possibility, unfortunately or otherwise), my life would become utter misery. So, before, I'm accused of being an ungrateful brat (which has happened in the past) - try to remember that this is the woman that contributed to my abusive upbringing, even if it was caused by acts of omission.

I've done things over the last few years that have defied description, considering how things have been - I've bought her cruises, I've taken care of her basic needs such as shopping, medical situations, made sure that she's comfortable. People keep asking me why. "Why do you do these things? She's been absolutely horrible to you. Why do you keep sacrificing yourself on her altar?"

Because she's my mother. What can I say? If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't be here.

I won't mention the fact that I've bemoaned my own existence for a good portion of my life. That's immaterial to the gist of what I'm saying.

No matter what bad shit she's done over the years, or how many mistakes she's made, or how much I wish things could have been different for me - she's my mother. It would go against my personal grain for me NOT to take care of her or do for her. Maybe that makes me a sucker, I don't know. Maybe I'm a masochist. But it's what I am, and I'd be denying an essential part of myself if I don't extend myself to help her out.

It's not about love for my parent. It's about being who I am. It's about love for myself. If that makes sense.

So, happy Mother's Day, for those of you who are mothers, for those of you soon to be mothers, for those of you who wish you were mothers. This holiday, for me, isn't only about love for Mom... but for me.

Peace.

Happy VD. (Damn, that sounds just wrong.)

Now leaving the Twilight Zone....

I've been busy over the last week. As I've probably mentioned a few times on my social networking accounts and elsewhere, I've received my bed, it's set up, and I've been sleeping like a fiend all week long. Ever since, though, I've been doing more around this house than I have in the last 10 months combined - probably because I really don't have any more excuses to put it off, but also because the bed just looks so damned good set up and it's starting to tie together, if you will. There's finally things on the walls, though I still don't have nearly enough, and I'm beginning to get down to the business of taking stock, figuring out what I need, etc.

I know that I should have been doing this - hell, I should have finished this over six months ago. Better late than never, I guess.

Today has been a day of thinking for me. There's something on my mind that's been weighing heavily for a very long time, something that is finally beginning to release its once very, VERY powerful hold on me. I wish that I could begin talking about it, but it's still something that 1. remains quite painful in a lot of respects and 2. is quite recent and therefore fresh, something that I've not fully dealt with yet. It's not earth-shattering, trust me, but the situation more or less ruled my entire life for the last few years. Even a few months ago, I wasn't able to deal very well with it. Certain things that have been tied to this situation still hurt, like some music... some places... watching certain things. I'm beginning to take some of these things back, one piece at a time. But... it's beginning to fade away into the background. I know that I'm being vague about this, and I don't mean to be, but it's... still not something I can discuss yet. I will, one day, when I feel safe.

Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't feel at all sad about it. Sure, one of these days I'd love to be in a good relationship with someone - but until that day comes, I'm not going to lament over it. For the first time in my life, I am OKAY with being single. My life is finally my own, and I have no one to answer to. If I want to be honest with myself, I'm not really sure I want to give that much of myself away to someone. With very few exceptions, I've always been hurt when I've done that, and I won't risk being hurt like that again.

It'll have to be someone that's beyond, beyond, BEYOND special for me to give away even a small piece of my heart again. And we all know how rare that is.

The person that I had been exchanging Emails with back in October recently wrote me after a 4 month absence, saying that "he'd been thinking about me". That's nice, I guess, though my enthusiasm is dampened by the fact that he didn't bother to write me back - for 4 months. Somehow this isn't a compliment, I'm thinking. I gave him a response, but it's not likely I'm going to forget the lapse. Maybe that's harsh, but I'm just extremely cautious about who I'm going to let into "the inner circle". AvPD at work again, go figure.

Things are okay, otherwise. Work is still a huge pain in the ass, though it's starting to settle down once again (unless it's ME, which it could very well be - I've not been in a real great mood this week, but then that was obvious from my last post). I have to do another Saturday shift tomorrow, the second in two weeks, but then they'll leave me alone until May - just in time for school starting up again. I need to get on that, actually, because I have to decide what classes are next. I'm going to try three courses this semester instead of two - probably not the best of ideas, but I need to get jump-started on this degree. I don't want to still be in school 10 years from now. Or be in hock for yet more school loans. I'm already up over 10 grand in school loans - ugh, I saw that and I nearly cried, sigh.

It is what it is. It'll be worth it.

More later.

A pragmatic ending and a hopeful beginning.

So, here we are again; it's the annual "end of the year" post where I refuse to recap the past 12 months and insist that you go look it all up in the previous entries. :p

I think that I'm going to take a different stance on things this year, though, in that for once, I have a lot of things to talk about. I've been very loquacious these past two weeks - more so than I have been in the last two years. I'm talking, sharing, relating with people. It's a strange, heady feeling, but it's also not feeling false or forced. It used to be that I'd make an attempt at being sociable, and afterwards I would feel horrible, as if I'd talked too much or sounded tinny and false; which in retrospect, probably wasn't far off the mark. But I'm actually feeling pretty well today. Today is one of my "good days", I guess you could say.


So I'll just do a quick recap of the past year, through my eyes, which have been blinded for a good portion of the time... but the cobwebs are truly beginning to clear.

The best part of the year for me was easily buying this house back in April. This was the best move I have ever made for myself, bar none. I don't think that anything can compare to the knowledge that I have that this house is mine, that I will never be forced to move on because of circumstance or because I wasn't wanted somewhere. I still have a long way to go as far as getting the things that I need... but for the first time in... what may be forever.... I now feel that I have a real home.

Other highlights of the year include my finding my therapist, who has helped me more than I can ever say. I have come forward in great strides since August, when I began seeing him on a regular basis, and have knocked down some impenetrable walls since - all without drugs or being locked up. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for this, believe me, but I'm taking the tools that I'm slowly learning and using them for my good, and in the end for others' good as well.

I've learned that in order to love other people, I need to love myself first and foremost. I've learned that maybe being ethical isn't a bad thing. I've learned that perhaps honesty is the way to go, and I've learned that other peoples' shortcomings aren't necessarily my own. Last night, I had a long, good talk with a friend who has been through hell and back with me and this illness... I mean, I have seriously put him through the wringer with this shit. I told him that I've learned that I am the sum of my experiences - one bad experience does not make my whole life, nor does it make me as a complete person. I've learned that while there are bad things in one's life, and even whole blocks of bad times, there's also some good times and experiences in almost everything one does.

And I've learned that my family's mistakes aren't mine. I've learned that even though I've been abused, I can rise above it - that indeed, it is my duty to rise above it and make something out of myself. And I think I've begun that process. There's always more I can do, and more work to be done. But 2011 will be a part of that work, and if there's anything I've learned from this depression, it's that self-improvement can never harm, and always helps.

Pretty heavy stuff, huh? :)

Now... the worst part of the year, well. I'll be straight with you on this - in some ways, the worst part of the year actually turned me around and began the real job of healing. If you go back to late September, where I'd said that something horrible had happened to me and that I couldn't discuss it.... that is the worst part of the year for me. I will reveal that incident now - basically, I'd had a date with someone I'd met online, and it ended up that I was more or less raped. It wasn't a violent incident, but.... the details really don't matter, because when someone says no, no matter what part of the buildup you're in - if they don't stop, it's rape. And that's what it turned out to be.

I'll be frank with you. I considered suicide. I wanted to die. I was very, very close to taking a butcher knife out of the kitchen and driving it into my chest. I was violated, humiliated, thought that death was the only escape from all of the misery and depression symptoms. I couldn't cope. And I didn't tell anyone about it, because.... what could I really say? It was that old self-validation kicking in, the sense that I needed this asshole's approval to feel good about myself. Isn't that terrible?

But, you see... after that weekend, where I lay on my sofa, dry-eyed and burning with hate... that's when it all started to turn around for me. I had that choice in my hands... life or death. That knife in my hands would determine the course of my fate. And quite honestly, that was one heavy, heavy choice. To know that I had the power to end it all.... or to fight the disgust, anger, depression, the effects of the abuse that I've endured throughout my life. Was I really worth nothing more than peoples' scorn and abuse? Or was it up to me to make myself worth more?

Ever since that day, I have had a steel determination to never, never, ever let someone abuse me again - in any way, shape or form. The minute that boundaries are crossed, I cut them loose, and I don't allow anyone to take more than I'm willing to give them. I no longer accept being treated like a second-class citizen, from anybody or anything. If people don't like me, that's just too bad - they have a choice to not be around me, just like I have a choice not to be treated like garbage.

I'm not second-best. I'm not someone's option, I am a goddamn PRIORITY, and I will be treated like one!

So... that was the worst part of it for me. The cruise in September just before that wasn't nearly as awful, but it wasn't a huge success, either. I just don't think that cruising is the type of vacation I enjoy, and I probably won't go again. Otherwise, it's been kind of a quiet year, and one filled with self-discoveries and learning, some good and some bad.

Now, for the predictions of 2011. I don't do resolutions, you see, as calling them 'resolutions' is a sure way of making them not happen, heh.

Career: I think it's going to continue to be full of changes and improvements. If I receive another promotion next year, I'll be elevated to a GS-6, which isn't much more in the pay scale, but it's a huge step as far as levels are concerned. I am more or less satisfied with the job for the present time, though I need to start thinking about ramping up the skill set and maybe updating a few of my abilities.

Health, Mental: I seriously feel that I'm going to continue to improve on this front. I have never felt better than in the last 2 weeks. Yes, I continue to have some spells, but they're much shorter in duration and come during fragile times of the year such as the holidays or my birthday. Therapy continues. We shall see.

Health, Physical: I haven't been able to concentrate on this front in 2010, and I have unfortunately begun to see some deterioration in my body because of it. I still do not have the inherited family difficulties yet (varicose veins, respiratory issues, circulation problems), but they're slowly coming. I have had some disturbing physical symptoms appear due to my weight, which I am making a huge priority to do something about this year. I am considering doing a separate blog for this issue alone (which I shall surely share when the time is right). This isn't a resolution, okay; this is an issue that I am taking VERY seriously. I will be much healthier physically by this time next year, or there will be a damned good reason why, which in that case, I will seriously put the option of bariatric surgery on the table. I'm done with looking and feeling like a pile of crap. If I can work to heal my mind and be rid of this depression - I can lose this fucking weight.

I ask for everyone's support for this, because if I do have surgery, it will be a lifetime change that I will have to deal with, and it's very frightening.

Social Life/Relationships: No progress on this front in 2010. The last two weeks of this year have been a little abnormal, but it's because I'm feeling pretty well. Otherwise, there has been little to no change. I am not concerned about it, as I have repeatedly stated that I'm not ready for it. For 2011, I predict that there still won't be a lot of changes, though I think it'll get slightly easier. Time will tell.

Financial: I end 2010 in excellent financial shape. I'm hoping to have a lot more in savings and investments in 2011, though I'll always have a little bit of a shopping bug, probably more so than usual now because of the house. I'm not going to hesitate in treating myself to things, though, should I want something.

....and that's it. That's really all that I wanted to say tonight. Basically, I'm not unhappy to see 2010 depart, but at the same time, I feel that it was a year of transition for me, from desperately ill to recovering. Hopefully by this time in 2011, I can finally report that I'm doing much better. :)

This is the song that, for me, sums up how I feel 2011 will be. I hope that it is!



Happy New Year to all. May it be everything that you want it to be.

A Christmas rant, just for you.

I will open this post by stating that I am sick and tired of being made to feel guilty for the choices I make, especially by my so-called family. I just got off the phone with my mother (of course - didn't you all see this coming?), who asked me what I was doing for the holiday tomorrow. Well, now, duh - I talk to her at 7:30pm every day (shades of my grandmother, sigh) and she KNOWS what's going on in my life (i.e., nothing). What makes her think that I have any plans for the holidays? I mean, really? Does she not fucking pay attention to what I say to her?

So I told her the truth - it's just another day for me. I'll probably clean the house and unpack some more. "Aren't you going to eat?" Well, yeah, a tuna fish sandwich and a bowl of soup later, perhaps. What makes her think I'm going to eat anything other than that? What in her mind is making her think that I'm going to sit down to Christmas dinner somewhere with people? Then she does what I call the "oh" - saying the word in a half-surprised, half-guilty voice. I fucking HATE that. I really, really fucking hate that.

I swear that I don't think she really ever listens to what I say. Mainly because most of the time she's bringing up my brother or his problems or what he thinks or what he did. I. Don't. Care. When is she going to GET that?

Yeah, okay, I'm alone on Christmas Day, wah, boohoo, what a tragedy. I WAS okay with that decision up until now. Now? I feel like shit. She actually asked me on the phone if I wanted to come over to her house. "Why? You're only asking me that because you feel guilty that I'm by myself on Christmas Day and you think I'm depressed. That's the reason you asked, isn't it?" For once, she was honest and said yes.

Yeah, well, thanks, Mom. Now I AM depressed, because apparently my decision isn't good enough for you. But when is that new? When is ANYTHING I do ever going to be enough? I mean, I know I'm not my sainted brother who's just the apple of everyone's eye or anything, but Christ, I'm human too. When are you going to fucking realize that?

Okay. Now I'm angry AND crying. Jesus. Way to go, Mom, you score again. Thanks a whole fucking lot. Why couldn't you just have left me alone?

Someone wake me up on January 1st, please.

I'm a mean one, I'm Mr. Grinch. Apparently.

I've not felt too upbeat or positive the last couple of days. As usual, it comes from watching other people be cheery, happy, merry, looking forward to the holiday, blah blah. The only thing that I have to look forward to is a day alone in front of the television, and I know it.

Sometimes I just get so angry when I think of the things that other people are so lucky to have - family, friends, people to share occasions like this with.

I've been trying so hard to move on from my past and to deal, slowly, with the things that have been haunting and hurting me, and trying to be good about not projecting anger onto other people (especially those that haven't had a thing to do with what's happened to me). But, goddamnit, it's so hard today just not to cry and think, why me, what have I done to deserve this shit, does anyone even really give a fuck.

I know that this is just temporary, that this will pass, that I will eventually be all right. It's just so hard sometimes to go on, knowing that I have to rebuild what is essentially destroyed.

This is why I haven't wanted to deal too closely with the Christmas holiday, but now that it's merely a week away, it's getting shoved down my throat with the parties and the decorations and the constant holiday "specials" on television and the bullshit music, all of that. I'm sick of hearing about it. I wish that I could just go to sleep tonight and wake up 2 weeks later.

Anyway. Sorry for the downbeat post tonight. At least I'm not sitting in a hotel room in Ocean City and contemplating drowning myself in the surf. That's a step up, at least, isn't it?

Starting to wind down.

The end of the year is fast approaching, and I've actually been ruminating over my annual "how did I do this year" post a bit early. Oh, I'm not going to do it right now, obviously. But I find it striking that I'm actually thinking about it this soon. I suspect that I'm very eager to "shut the books", if you will, and get on with this business of living for myself in '11. Some might say that this is a positive thing, my looking ahead, and I tend to concur that it is. I'm definitely in a much better place than I have been in some time.

My tenure with urine is about to come to an end, starting on January 3rd. All of the female testers will move to another unit - however, I shall not be going with them, at least that's what I'm hearing. The plan is that I shall stay at my current unit and do strictly computer work. To be honest, I'm not at all sorry about it. I've dealt with enough piss to fill a small lake over the years, and there are times where the women are so much more worse than the men, both in attitude and in personal hygiene. It's not all going to be peaches and cream, though: I still have to deal with the males while on the computer, and they tend to be nasty as well, but I won't have to deal with their body fluids - I can't ask for more than that. I'm hoping and praying that these next two weeks will go speedily.

The semester, for me, is over. I have exams this upcoming Wednesday. As usual, I'm not really feeling anxiety over them, though to be honest I haven't studied. I'm really weird about classes - I'll agonize over the actual work, but when it comes to taking tests, I don't feel much nervousness. I guess that's because I figure that I'll either know the material by then, or I won't. Not much to beat myself up over, I suppose. Anyhow, I'm profoundly relieved, because this past semester was difficult in a lot of respects. I have about six months off now, though, or at least until May, so I could definitely use the rest. I plan on getting this house together now that I've received my tax credit, spend a little time getting my life back together again.

I've decided not to go to New York for the new year, at least not this time - the reason being that I made my decision a little too late. I really need time to plan this out, not just go on the spur of the moment - especially with the terrorism threat level being so high right now. There's going to be more security up there than Fort Knox, and I'm not prepared to deal with it. I was thinking about going up on the night train, but from what I hear, Times Square is full by 4pm, and I'm not prepared to stand out in the freezing cold for 8 hours without getting things together. So I'm going to skip it this time, maybe I'll go next year. Or maybe for Thanksgiving, as I've always wanted to see the Macy's parade in person. I'll have to actually remember to mark it down, though, as I tend to forget until the holidays roll around again. Then I sit on my sofa that morning and say to myself, "Y'know, I think I'll do this... if I can remember." Hah. My mind's like a sieve, bleh.

I do plan on traveling a little more next year, even if it is just on the spur of the moment. Hop a train to New York and go shopping for the day, etc. I really need to start doing these things!

I've lost 4.2 pounds. I know, not a huge deal, but it is for me. I'm actively trying to lose weight now - that's yet another of my goals for '11. I'm not going to call these things "resolutions", because the minute I do that, I know it'll go by the wayside, and this is just too important to me, enough so that I'm honestly trying to do something about it instead of talking about it. Maybe I'll report on this week by week - that way I'll have some kind of a record and some kind of accountability to myself. Though I'm not going to put my starting weight. Oh, hell, no. Maybe if I ever get to where I want to be, I'll share that with you all so that your mouths will drop and you'll go "ZOMG we're so proud of you". Wouldn't that be something? :p

I'm a talkative soul this morning, but I have to run. I'm heading to Lowe's today to pick up some necessities for the house, like a ladder, a snow shovel, shit I'm going to need this winter. Just realized that if there's a blizzard this year, I have to clean off the entire corner. Sucks to be me. Meh.

Well, not really. :D

Peace, out.

Happy thoughts.

The school semester is beginning to wind down, which for me is a profound relief. If there's one thing that I've learned from the past couple of months, it's not to take a biology course in tandem with a web design course. Ugh - what a pain in the ass it's been. I really don't know how well I'm going to do in either of these courses. I think I'll be all right with the biology, but the web design is touchy. It doesn't really matter, of course, as it's not required to obtain my degree. But I hate to think that I've wasted any time (as well as money, ugh). It has sparked a bit of an interest in CSS, though, and I may apply what I've learned toward redoing the entire design of this blog. I'd like to work on that, piecemeal, as I can. But I'll have to fit that in along with everything else I've been trying to do. It's been exhausting, to say the least.

I haven't been sleeping very well this week, not since Thanksgiving Day. It's not because of any underlying health problem or because I'm depressed - that's not it. I think it's just a matter of being totally thrown off schedule. It's funny, but you never realize how structured your life is (or can be) until your routine is completely interrupted. I've discovered that I rather like routine, something that shocks me, because I never really thought that was true about myself. I've made a lot of self-discoveries, though, in the last year, and I suspect that I'm on the brink of a lot more.

My tax credit money showed up this week. Lots to do now, I think. I'm paying off most, if not all, of my credit card bills with it, and now I can start with a clean slate - by Monday at the latest (I'm headed to the bank tomorrow, but they'll need a day or two to process everything). Then my creditors will be in for a rude shock, because I'm paying off the entire bill - they can suck it. The only bills I want now are my mortgage, my school loans, and the bill for the TempurPedic bed that I'm going to get (and yes, I'm going to have to finance that, we're looking at thousands of dollars - but it's worth it if I can sleep decently). Indeed, possibilities have now opened up far and wide. I'm looking forward to it, because now I can begin what's left of the rest of my life.

It's a little frightening to think about how far I've come in the last 2 years - never mind in the last 5. I really try not to stress over it, though, because as we know, stress is my enemy.

I'm doing a lot better, a HELL of a lot better, now than I was this time last year, in almost every way possible. The holidays are actually not affecting me, not the way that they did, anyhow. If I were to go away for a short trip this year I think I would actually be able to handle it mentally, but I believe I'll be staying home and just enjoying the quiet and the solitude. I was even thinking about buying some holiday decorations for the house - garland for the railing, candles in the windows, that sort of thing. Probably too late to do it now, but once everything goes on sale after Christmas, I may consider it. This is a far, far cry from sitting on a beach in Ocean City and thinking about doing myself in. This is progress!

Still, I'm cautious. I've said this so many times before. I've gotten my hopes up, only to have them not dashed, but steamrolled. But I'm staying as positive as I can.

I'd like to know when the epiphany happened, though. Or exactly what switch flipped inside of my head so that I'm no longer the sick, broken person I used to be. Because I'd destroy that switch so that it could never, ever flip back.

Ah, I'm rambling at this point and I need to open up the lab in a few minutes. But I wanted to just share my good feelings this morning, as it's relatively rare and I know that those of you who still bother to read this thing enjoy them so.

More later.

Where is the time going?

It seems that I can barely keep up with things these days, but that might be a good omen. As it is, I should be in bed right now, as I have to work tomorrow (instead of shopping like all of the deal-seeking morons on Black Friday) - but I've been perusing the online sales instead. (Hey... I may be a deal-seeking moron, but I have enough sense to do it online.)

There's so much that I need. I don't know where to start. Do I buy things for the kitchen or the bathroom? Or the bedroom? Where do I begin? I have so many ideas and so little money - or time. I don't even know which way my head's spinning at the moment. But I'm not really stressing out too much over it all. I have time. I'm not going anywhere.

I've had a decent Thanksgiving. For once, the holidays aren't getting me down. I've decided to spend New Year's Eve in New York's Times Square. That should be the last place I'd want to go, seeing that it's overcrowded and crazy; but it's something that I really want to see once in my life - and 2011 is going to be all about me. I'm putting myself first.

Anyhow. This is really just a quick update, for now, but I'm planning on writing a bit more when I have time. That is, if I get time, heh.

More later.

We need to make September 11th a national holiday.

'nuff said.

An open letter to my father. (Warning: this is ugly. Don't expect sunshine and roses.)

I can't even start this letter with "dear", because you've never been dear to me, or even a presence in my life. I have no memories of you being a part of any of my childhood - none whatsoever. You are a shadowy figure that I saw on weekends because a court in downtown Baltimore ordered that it be so. You never made it a point to freely see me or even acknowledge that I existed. At least, that's how it seemed to me.

In hindsight and in knowing what I know now, I know that you and my mother had the world's acrimonious divorce. Neither of you could agree on anything, not when it came to me or my brother, not on how to raise us, not on the slightest thing. I have a hazy remembrance of seeing my mother crying on the sofa after a phone call from you - I know that much. I remember feeling more and more uneasy every time I had to talk to you - because after all, who were you but a stranger? And I'd always been warned never to talk to strangers. You would fall into that category, yeah?

The few memories that I have of you are tainted by the presence of my stepmother - yeah, you know, Carolyn. The one that didn't like either of us but especially not me, because I look just like Mom, the woman that she wanted to forget exists. The way she'd force us to go to church when neither of us were raised to believe. The food she'd make that we hated but had to eat every single morsel of or we'd not be allowed to get up from our seats. The threadbare clothes from Goodwill that she'd dress us in. And the preferential treatment that she always gave Toby, her own son, over us. Oh, I know the way it was supposed to go. Toby first, because Carolyn insisted so. Then my brother, because after all, he was the golden child that everyone wanted. Me last. I know how it's supposed to be, Dad. No worries, I won't step out of line...

But the one memory that I'll never forget is the day when I had to run across two major highways and through an entire neighborhood to my grandmother's house because you were chasing after me and promising that I'd be smacked because I dared to say no to a visitation with you. There was a REASON, Dad, that you never cared to hear about - would you like to hear it now? I had a Girl Scout trip planned, Dad. A Girl Scout trip that I had personally saved for, for months and months, something that I really worked hard for and wanted to go on. It just happened to fall on the weekend that I was supposed to have visitation with you, and I'm really sorry for the inconvenience and the cramp in your style that it apparently put you in. You said no to it, that I was to come with you and that was that - like I was property, chattel, I had no decision in the matter.

But you see, Dad... I took that decision out of your hands. And that's what you wanted to punish me for - for standing up for what I wanted. That's why you chased me across highways, risking my life, being afraid of the very person that was responsible for my own creation. I had to scream for my grandmother to let me in her house because I knew that if you'd caught me I was going to be smacked, publicly, beaten. I knew that. And I'll never forgive you for that, for putting my grandmother (who herself was not exactly a calm person) through that.

I will never forgive you for a lot of things. For abandoning my family, for treating me like I didn't exist, for treating me like an afterthought when you DID finally notice me. I will never forgive you for allowing that woman to force me to go to church and dressing me in little better than rags (letting everyone stare at me when I did go out was a real ego-booster, let me tell you). For cutting me completely out of your life almost from the beginning. I will never forgive you for sending the smallest amount of child support that was legally allowed. You know what your contribution to my life was, Dad? Twelve dollars and fifty cents a week. By the time I was eighteen, that was my fucking allowance, Dad, because what the fuck can you provide for a child with 12.50 a week? That was my bus fare for three days to go to school. Thanks for helping raise me!

Then came your fucking letters. Those stupid "newsletters" that Carolyn wrote to everyone you all knew, and I just became a name on a mailing list to you. Do you really think I give a fuck now what either of you do? Do I care?

The most insulting thing of all is that you claim you want to talk to me. Then talk TO ME - stop fucking having Carolyn write letters FOR YOU. I don't want them! I want to talk to YOU, not to her, all of my fucking life I've had to go through her to reach you. And now you wonder why I won't have anything more to do with you. What's more, you don't even honor the one simple request I make of you. This past March, when my birthday came, you sent my brother a birthday card to send to me - because you don't have my new address or phone number, and the rest of the family is under strict instruction NOT to give it to you. Haven't you ever wondered why that is, Dad? Any clue?

Don't you recall that I asked you NOT TO CONTACT ME in any way, shape or form? That means NO BIRTHDAY CARDS, DAD. No cards, no letters, no phone calls. I don't ever want to hear from you again. RESPECT THAT. But no, you can't even do that for me.

Face it, Dad. You've lost your daughter, the only daughter you've ever had or will have. You've lost that, because you never cared enough about me to forge any kind of relationship with me, not even a crumb here or there. You've been a piss-poor example of a father in my eyes, and in truth a piss-poor example of a man in general. Men don't treat their children like you have me. I've been raised with no good example of what a man should be like or treat women like, and in so doing I now have a skewed, distorted, unhealthy perception of how a woman should be treated by a man. And trust me when I tell you that it's spilled over into my adult life. I live every day with the complications of your choices.

I know what you'll probably do - you'll probably start your blameshifting and say that Mom had a part in this, too. And she did, you're right. Truth be told, I despise both of you for your actions in raising me - you've both made fatal errors in my eyes. But I don't fault Mom for some of it, because she did the best she fucking could with what she had, which in the end was absolutely nothing, thanks to you. I blame you, Dad, for most of it, and I have no problem in saying that I hate you for it.

I hope, on this Father's Day, that you're sitting over there in Arizona (with or without Carolyn - I don't know or care, you made that bed long ago so lay in it) thinking about the bad choices you've made and the consequences of those choices. I no longer wonder if you think about me or if you regret what you've done, because it no longer matters to me in my daily life. I've made what I've made out of myself without your presence, assistance or help, and I don't need you now. Don't come into my life now, because I needed you then - and you weren't there. So as far as I'm concerned, fuck off.

I'm done with you.

The usual expected end-of-year post.

So, this is the part where I'm supposed to either rant or rave about how sucky/great 2009 was, right?

In truth, I don't think I really need to do that, as it's again all laid out for you on the blog if you care to go back and have a look. Were there any highlights for me? Honestly, there weren't - but neither were there any serious setbacks. I think this past year has been what I call a "transition" year.

I haven't made as much progress on my health, either physical or mental, as I would have liked. I am "better" mentally, though not where I'd like to be. And physically? Bleh, that's gone straight to hell, so I need to really focus on that this upcoming year. I'm fast approaching 38 now (God... really? ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh) and if I want any chance of avoiding the inherited family health difficulties, I need to get cracking on that. It might already be too late, to be honest. But I need to try, so.. that's a priority.

I haven't made much progress on my financial situation, either, though I've started a goodish savings account and I'm going to pay off what I can in 2010. I really want to be in the position where I'll be able to buy a house by the time I'm 40. I don't know where I'll go or what kind of place I want yet, but that's not important right now, as I'm not ready for it anyway. 2010 is the year to "get my shit together", I guess I'll say. But I really want to be in better financial shape than I am right now.

Career-wise, I'm doing a lot better. I don't necessarily like my job, and I don't want to take urine for the rest of my life (Jesus, no, heh), but I'm settled in and to a point where I'm riding the job instead of it riding me. We desperately need more staff, as we're short-handed (the last two Tuesdays and Thursdays have nearly been the end of me, I'm not kidding), but they say it's coming. I've heard that one before, heh.

Personally? A write-off. I haven't been paying much attention to relationships or anything of the sort. Now is not the time for that. I have too much going on with other issues to deal with such things, and I have a feeling that 2010 will also be the same as far as that's concerned. I'm just not ready mentally, physically, any of it. I might never be at this rate, but... it's important for me to get everything else straightened out before I can focus on the wretched state of my personal life, heh. Some things that I have had previous difficulties with are starting to resolve themselves, and that's a very good thing...but I'm just not ready.

I don't do "resolutions". It's a pointless waste of time and it only encourages one to fail. I prefer to think of them as loose long-term goals for myself. That doesn't sound so bad, maybe.

This time last year I was alone on New Year's Eve and curled up on my couch watching television. It'll be the same again this year, but hopefully I won't start 2010 depressed and having another attack. I really have been starting to feel better in the last couple of days, so let's hope for the best.
I have discovered an awesome little online community for the depressed and suicidal, so that has and will greatly help me. I would reveal the name of it, but... right now I kind of feel like it's my little secret "haven" from the world and all of the people that know me, so... if you really want to know, leave me a comment/mail/etc. and I'll tell you, because I wouldn't want those who need it to go without.

Second year in a row that the weather's been crap here for New Year's Eve. I don't feel bad for the idiots sitting down at the Inner Harbor waiting for the fireworks. I hope they get rained on but good, heh.

So, anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

2009 in a song? Let's see... I think this pretty much sums it up for me.



Happy new year to all.

Christmas alone.

I'm in Ocean City as I write this. It's bleak, depressing and gray - much like my current mood. I've been in tears on and off throughout the day. Although I try to cheer myself up with the fact that I'm away from home, that I'm in a different place, etc., the fact is that I just feel alien and alone. I don't want to even go downstairs to dinner because it's obvious that I'm all by myself. But go I will, because otherwise my Christmas dinner has been two hot dogs from the 7-11. That's even more bleak.

If it ever stops raining here, I'll go down to the beach and just sit for a while. And most likely cry some more.

This has got to be the most depressing holiday that I've ever experienced, and that's saying something in a lifetime of depression. I can't ever recall feeling more like killing myself than I do right now.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, a better life. I don't know.

Merry Christmas, indeed. :'(

Finally, a chance to write.

This past week at work has sucked, heh, I didn't lie about that. We've lost a bunch of people, which makes me have to work that much harder, and it's getting tiresome, this business of watching people take a leak day in and day out. I really don't know why I'm bitching about it, since I'm still employed and there are plenty of folk out there that would scream to have my job... I guess it's just the usual run-down, day-to-day monotony that's getting me down.

I actually haven't been feeling very 'right' for a while now, not at least since I first got physically sick. I'm fine now, the cold/sinus infection/whatever the fuck it was has cleared up... but inside there's this queer "dead" feeling, like all of my emotions have taken a vacation. I mean, I'm "fine".. but not fine. If that makes any sense. I'm actually not very unhappy about it, as it allows me to focus on what I need to do at the present, which is try to get through work, get ready for the next semester at school, etc., etc. and yadda-yadda. It's still a strange feeling, though. I think maybe I'm cushioning myself for the fact that I will, again, be all alone for Christmas/New Year's, and that there's no point in crying about it. It is what it is - God, how I hate that phrase now that it's been overused to death!

I have no idea of what my plans are. Probably no plans at all. Laundry, cleaning. I really need to take care of some of this shit while I have the downtime, but it seems kind of sad that that's all there is to "celebrate". It's what I did last year, if I recall right, and had an attack shortly thereafter. I hope this medicine will buffer against that this year. But I guess I'll just have to see what comes.

Thursday. I don't want to go out there and sign in more drug addicts for tests, but that's exactly what I'm going to end up doing in about 20 minutes, bleh.

I might try and go somewhere this year. Ocean City might be nice, though it'll be cold... but what the hell, it's better than staying home and being all by myself, at least I can be all by myself in a different place. We'll see.

In the short term, I'm doing okay, I suppose. Dead emotional landscape, like I said, but maybe that's good.

Just noticed how many times I've said "I" or a derivative of it in this post... damn, it really is all about me, isn't it. Those few that read here must think that I don't think of anything else, or have anything else to discuss or contribute, but then again, the world at large really doesn't interest me right now. I didn't make this blog to be "clevar" or "interesting" or even anything but a personal bitchfest, heh. Sometimes I wish I could be a little more interesting, but that's all in the eye of the beholder, I suppose.

Anyway. This is getting too long and I'm tired and probably not making much sense anyhow. I feel that queer sense of ... I don't know. Like an attack is going to come, and soon, but I don't know when or where. I wish I could just live my life without fearing that.

Back to work.