As everyone can see, I've yet again done some major revamping of the blog. I'm still not all that satisfied with the look; the red background with black accents is classy-looking (and as it's a combination of my two favorite colors, it's aesthetically appealing to me, personally), but... I sort of miss the "tight" look of the old black background with the cityscape header. I really, really dislike the header now, but I don't really have much time to create a new one. Once I manage to get some more time (yeah, right), I may fuss with it again.
In the meantime, you'll have to take what you get. :p At least it looks somewhat festive for the holidays. I guess that's what I was trying to get at, but I think red and green as a combination blows chunks, myself.
I'm feeling better now that Thanksgiving is over and done with. I had Greg and my mother over; she actually behaved herself for a rare switch. My mother likes Greg (well, as much as she can like any man, I suppose); this has proven to be an extremely rare thing. She's never liked anyone I've dated, and unfortunately that dislike has seeped into my relationships in one form or another. I'm still convinced that she's angry and bitter over my father's betrayal all those years ago - which isn't my fault, but somehow I and my brother paid the price for that anyway. But, anyway.... the feast was a success, at least in my view it was; so that can't be a bad thing. Since Greg has to work a whole lot right now (the curse of the holidays, sigh), I'm spending my weekend just catching up on things; basic chores, putting up decorations (I know, since when did I decorate for the holidays???), listening to music, doing schoolwork, etc.
School is going fine, I guess. I'm not all that convinced that the instructor teaching the public policy course actually knows anything of what he's doing, though. But I have to try and get through it, as it's of course a required class. The film course is as I'd expected, a lot of fun, and I've been seeing some really good black-and-whites as of late. "Strangers on a Train" was the last one - Hitchcock, of course - man, was that Robert Walker character a creepy one or what? Left impressions on me that'll last for weeks.
The job front is as always; nerve-plucking, irritating, lazy-assed coworkers that can't get shit right. In other words, as usual. But I did apply for a project specialist job with the same agency, and I made the referral list twice - which means two upcoming interviews. God, I'm nervous. I haven't had to do one of these in over 4 years, and I've never been good with interviewing; but, shit, I did the drug lab interview at the height of my depression and I managed to get that, so I suppose that I shouldn't worry so much. In any case, I'm waiting on a call from the selecting officials, so we'll see what happens. As always, more shall follow.
I'm making (as of now) fluid plans to maybe buy a new car; Greg promised to teach me how to drive and get this bullshit with the MVA sorted out. I really think they fucked up down there; okay, I'm half-blind, but I know damn well I can see well enough to drive, so I'm going to try yet again and not go through the Medical Advisory Board, not yet. I hope I won't need to, but we'll see. I'll probably do this in March or so, if I do it. Still pondering things. Despite my woeful financial state, my credit is actually excellent (over 700) - now I just have to keep it this way.
Contemplating cancelling therapy for good. I find that I need it less and less, and when I do go down there, I find that I just don't have that much to talk about anymore. I just want to make sure that I don't need it because I'm healthy enough to go on without it, not because Greg's here and seems to be my salvation in everything. That's exactly what I don't want to happen - Greg is a beautiful addition to my life. But not "my life"; as I've said before. Right now, things are going well. We've celebrated six months together as of yesterday, and while it's not the wild limerance of the early days, it's comfortable and happy and we're establishing routines, getting to know one another well, spending time together. It's proving to last beyond the initial excitement; and isn't that what everyone wants out of a relationship?
I've had a great deal to be thankful for this past Thanksgiving, and I'm incredibly grateful for all I do have. I'm not very religious, admittedly, but I do think that blessings have finally come my way. I'm determined to enjoy them, to not feel guilty for enjoying them, and to make the most of what I have and what I'll continue to receive.
Hey.... I think I've finally grown up. :)
Anyhow, I've rambled on long enough, so I'll conclude here. I don't get a lot of chances to write anymore, and even when I do, I find that I have little to really say that's different. Perhaps I'll start doing the old "memes" again, or find something to expound upon that'll be interesting. I'm really glad that it's not a bunch of complaining anymore. I'm glad I'm not that person anymore.
I'm healthy, happy, loved, and fulfilled. What more can one ask from life?
Ciao for now. :p
Showing posts with label anniversary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anniversary. Show all posts
26 November 2011
15 November 2011
Word of the week: discursive. (Snicker.)
In all honesty, I'm really feeling way too tired to post anything tonight. There's been a lot going on, though, as usual. It's funny how my life's turned from a slow-motion, depression-filled drag to one that's almost warp-speed and full of action. Is it bad to say that I actually long for a bit of ... well, I guess that "calm" isn't really the word I'm looking for, but perhaps I could use "dilatoriness" instead. (Hah... now who's the vocabulary vixen, Mr. Greg? Lawl.)
I was ruminating over my upcoming "end of year" post, thinking about everything that's happened to me since January. To be sure, this has been one hell of a wild year, and I'm sure that the last month and a half will be no different. In truth, I don't think I really want it any other way. After the last six years of pain, depression, sadness and tears.... I welcome everything that has happened to me in the last six months.
That is going to be one long-assed post, let me tell you.
So, a quick fill-in on everything that's happening:
- My (should be) final orthopedic appointment is tomorrow morning. The doctor will check out my wrist, but in all honesty, there's really nothing more he can do for me. My wrist is as healed as it's going to be. There's still some pain in the arm, a bit of stiffness, but there's not much I can do except live with it. I can use my arm again, I can write and type and lift things (though heavy items are still kind of unknown - I haven't pushed myself that far yet - once the doctor tells me for sure that the bones are healed, I'll try that out when I get the opportunity). That's all I can ask for.
- I dropped a heavy can of tomatoes on my big toe, and over the last few weeks, the nail's been slowly coming off - bit by painful, bloody, nasty bit. It finally fell all the way off tonight. Eeeeww. That's all there is to be said about that - just, eeeeww.
(This has NOT been a good year for me, medical-wise, unfortunately.)
- OB appointment went fine. There was a minor issue, but nothing that is life-threatening or massive, and I am in the clear until next year. Unfortunately, that's the year the stupid mammograms and Pap tests start - and Dr. Lynch is insistent about it, sigh. For once, I have a really great OB, though; she's sensitive to the fact that I have issues with this whole thing. Thank Christ for Fed insurance, man - I have the best doctors I could ask for.
Considering that I spent 20+ years abusing my body and never seeing doctors, ever, for anything - I'm amazingly healthy.
School is going well. The film class is a real blast - I love it. I get to watch movies with Greg on the weekends, which is not only accomplishing homework, but it's great bonding time as well. I love cuddling up with the Mister and watching the old black and whites or a good action film. I couldn't ask for a better way to do homework. :) The public policy class is, as I thought, boring, but it's flexible as far as class assignment dates (so far) and that helps. I've only had one grade so far in there, but it's a 90, so I can't be too upset about that.
I am seriously, seriously considering going on for a master's after I graduate. I know, it means spending more money in loans - but what the fuck? What do I have to lose? At UMUC I can also get a dual degree - an MS in crim management and an MBA at the same time - it's only 18 additional credits. Again - what the fuck? If it means I've accomplished something good, so be it, right?
I've also considered going for a health degree or certification as well, though. Time enough to think about that - I just want to get the B.S. done first.
It looks like I will, and very shortly, too. :o I'm amazed at myself, really...
Greg and I will celebrate 6 months together on the day after Thanksgiving. It's still as good as day one. The crunch, as we both tend to say, is still in the cookie. We've settled into a routine, the two of us, and while it's not all sunshine and roses (we both work an awful lot, and bad schedules at that)... it's a beautiful thing we've got.
I hesitate to let down my guard, or relax completely, not yet. But he's great for me. I hope that it's reciprocated.
And so concludes another update of my boring, yet queerly interesting at the same time, life. I look back on old entries - a year, 2 years ago at this time - and it's like a different person wrote them. Another world. Another life. Was that really me?
This new world of mine feels good. Really good. :)
I was ruminating over my upcoming "end of year" post, thinking about everything that's happened to me since January. To be sure, this has been one hell of a wild year, and I'm sure that the last month and a half will be no different. In truth, I don't think I really want it any other way. After the last six years of pain, depression, sadness and tears.... I welcome everything that has happened to me in the last six months.
That is going to be one long-assed post, let me tell you.
So, a quick fill-in on everything that's happening:
- My (should be) final orthopedic appointment is tomorrow morning. The doctor will check out my wrist, but in all honesty, there's really nothing more he can do for me. My wrist is as healed as it's going to be. There's still some pain in the arm, a bit of stiffness, but there's not much I can do except live with it. I can use my arm again, I can write and type and lift things (though heavy items are still kind of unknown - I haven't pushed myself that far yet - once the doctor tells me for sure that the bones are healed, I'll try that out when I get the opportunity). That's all I can ask for.
- I dropped a heavy can of tomatoes on my big toe, and over the last few weeks, the nail's been slowly coming off - bit by painful, bloody, nasty bit. It finally fell all the way off tonight. Eeeeww. That's all there is to be said about that - just, eeeeww.
(This has NOT been a good year for me, medical-wise, unfortunately.)
- OB appointment went fine. There was a minor issue, but nothing that is life-threatening or massive, and I am in the clear until next year. Unfortunately, that's the year the stupid mammograms and Pap tests start - and Dr. Lynch is insistent about it, sigh. For once, I have a really great OB, though; she's sensitive to the fact that I have issues with this whole thing. Thank Christ for Fed insurance, man - I have the best doctors I could ask for.
Considering that I spent 20+ years abusing my body and never seeing doctors, ever, for anything - I'm amazingly healthy.
School is going well. The film class is a real blast - I love it. I get to watch movies with Greg on the weekends, which is not only accomplishing homework, but it's great bonding time as well. I love cuddling up with the Mister and watching the old black and whites or a good action film. I couldn't ask for a better way to do homework. :) The public policy class is, as I thought, boring, but it's flexible as far as class assignment dates (so far) and that helps. I've only had one grade so far in there, but it's a 90, so I can't be too upset about that.
I am seriously, seriously considering going on for a master's after I graduate. I know, it means spending more money in loans - but what the fuck? What do I have to lose? At UMUC I can also get a dual degree - an MS in crim management and an MBA at the same time - it's only 18 additional credits. Again - what the fuck? If it means I've accomplished something good, so be it, right?
I've also considered going for a health degree or certification as well, though. Time enough to think about that - I just want to get the B.S. done first.
It looks like I will, and very shortly, too. :o I'm amazed at myself, really...
Greg and I will celebrate 6 months together on the day after Thanksgiving. It's still as good as day one. The crunch, as we both tend to say, is still in the cookie. We've settled into a routine, the two of us, and while it's not all sunshine and roses (we both work an awful lot, and bad schedules at that)... it's a beautiful thing we've got.
I hesitate to let down my guard, or relax completely, not yet. But he's great for me. I hope that it's reciprocated.
And so concludes another update of my boring, yet queerly interesting at the same time, life. I look back on old entries - a year, 2 years ago at this time - and it's like a different person wrote them. Another world. Another life. Was that really me?
This new world of mine feels good. Really good. :)
14 August 2011
Rambling, it's what's for breakfast.
Recently, it's been a time for anniversaries; those that have just passed, and a few that are coming up - both categories have a mix of good and bad. I've remarked upon a couple of them already, but the big one for this month is that of August 17th.
So what the hell happened on August 17th?
I began my current employment at the drug lab on August 17, 2008, a mere 12 days after I returned from Sydney. As a matter of fact, they had called me while I was out of town offering me the position. You can only imagine how much I'd panicked when I'd found that out - here I was ten thousand miles away and I couldn't just drop everything to start working, heh. Luckily they were nice enough to tell me not to hurry back!
Now, this may not seem like a huge deal - in the grand scheme of things, I guess it isn't. But that job offer opened up a world of security to me - after all, it's the Federal government. The Feds may be going through hard times right now, but my job (law enforcement) will always be needed, always be necessary, always provide for me. I gained security when I said yes to that job. And as we all know, security is my utmost priority in my life, simply because I've never had any up until now.
Three years later, I received my annual review with an astonishing 4 "fully met expectations" and 5 "exceeds expectations" criteria checked. I am not only on track to keep my job, but to continue on to a GS-7, which was unheard of to me 3 years ago (I started out as a lowly GS-3). The only bad thing about this now is that ... well, after GS-7, there's nowhere left to go for me. Not in the job I'm in now. That's the promotion limit.
I have until April of 2013 to decide what I want/need to do as far as this job is concerned. I guess that I never really thought that I'd last, or that I'd have such a choice to make. Hell, when I first took this job, I didn't think I'd live to see 40 years old... and yet, I'm approaching that milestone as well, very soon.
In some ways, my life is taking turns that are scaring me a bit. In late March of 2012, I will be 40 years old - half of my life gone. Yes, I've accomplished a lot in the last few years, and I'm proud of that... but at the same time, I'm saddened that it took that long for me to straighten out, that I spent 20+ years floundering and unsure and lonely and incredibly depressed. I'm sad that I didn't do more with my life up until now. Perhaps it's why I'm pushing myself so hard with school and work and trying to enjoy things - because I'm trying so hard to make up for the lost years.
Oh, bluh, listen to me, don't I sound all morbid, Gawd. I'm in a good mood - what's up with that? :p
I really, really need to fix this blog so that it's not so freaking dark anymore. I'm not dark anymore - why not reflect that?
Obviously I'm contemplative today. That could get me into some trouble, so maybe I'll do a bit of redesigning. We'll see.
So what the hell happened on August 17th?
I began my current employment at the drug lab on August 17, 2008, a mere 12 days after I returned from Sydney. As a matter of fact, they had called me while I was out of town offering me the position. You can only imagine how much I'd panicked when I'd found that out - here I was ten thousand miles away and I couldn't just drop everything to start working, heh. Luckily they were nice enough to tell me not to hurry back!
Now, this may not seem like a huge deal - in the grand scheme of things, I guess it isn't. But that job offer opened up a world of security to me - after all, it's the Federal government. The Feds may be going through hard times right now, but my job (law enforcement) will always be needed, always be necessary, always provide for me. I gained security when I said yes to that job. And as we all know, security is my utmost priority in my life, simply because I've never had any up until now.
Three years later, I received my annual review with an astonishing 4 "fully met expectations" and 5 "exceeds expectations" criteria checked. I am not only on track to keep my job, but to continue on to a GS-7, which was unheard of to me 3 years ago (I started out as a lowly GS-3). The only bad thing about this now is that ... well, after GS-7, there's nowhere left to go for me. Not in the job I'm in now. That's the promotion limit.
I have until April of 2013 to decide what I want/need to do as far as this job is concerned. I guess that I never really thought that I'd last, or that I'd have such a choice to make. Hell, when I first took this job, I didn't think I'd live to see 40 years old... and yet, I'm approaching that milestone as well, very soon.
In some ways, my life is taking turns that are scaring me a bit. In late March of 2012, I will be 40 years old - half of my life gone. Yes, I've accomplished a lot in the last few years, and I'm proud of that... but at the same time, I'm saddened that it took that long for me to straighten out, that I spent 20+ years floundering and unsure and lonely and incredibly depressed. I'm sad that I didn't do more with my life up until now. Perhaps it's why I'm pushing myself so hard with school and work and trying to enjoy things - because I'm trying so hard to make up for the lost years.
Oh, bluh, listen to me, don't I sound all morbid, Gawd. I'm in a good mood - what's up with that? :p
I really, really need to fix this blog so that it's not so freaking dark anymore. I'm not dark anymore - why not reflect that?
Obviously I'm contemplative today. That could get me into some trouble, so maybe I'll do a bit of redesigning. We'll see.
27 July 2011
I am my own person. No, really. I am.
Ever since I met Greg (two incredible months ago!), I've been a lot happier, which has been pretty obvious to all who know me. I've been receiving comments from all sources - personal, work, otherwise - that have told me that I'm beginning to smile again... that I seem more "alive", I guess, than I have in years.
I've worked incredibly hard over the last year to get myself back onto solid ground, to recover from my depression, to validate myself as someone worthy of existing, never mind living. To tell the truth, I would have been perfectly happy with just existence - seems that I've gotten more than I'd bargained for, heh.
Still, fear persists. I'm scared of my fragile recovery being blown to bits, and I refuse to lie about it. The ground underneath me is still quite shaky, though it's getting a bit firmer every day. I think that it's important for me to realize that I've done all that I have done myself - that no one's helped me along with this, that I'm responsible for my own happiness. A comment from my last post made me think about that, long and hard - am I happy because there's someone in my life now? Or can I be just as happy by myself, alone, the way I was going along? At the time, I'd said that having someone in my life was an addition to it, not that it became my life. I still find that to be my truth, I think.
The mistake that I've made in the past, in nearly all of my previous relationships/entanglements/something, is that I've made the other person "my life". Does that make sense? Instead of seeing them as a pleasant addition, an enhancement, I've enmeshed my own personality into theirs. Wrong, wrong, wrong move! It's okay to feel empathetic - it is NOT okay to absorb!
It's a shame that it's taken me nearly 40 years to learn better.
This relationship with Greg has been different in a lot of ways - hell, in nearly every way. Maybe it's because I'm now mature enough to know the difference, maybe it's because it's the first relationship I've had in a long time where the disparity between lifestyles wasn't such a yawning cavern, maybe it's because I'm finally ready to own my shit when I do something wrong. I don't know why, exactly. Perhaps I'm finally ready to yield a little control over to another person, because a relationship - a good one, anyway - is give and take. I've always been such a control freak in the past - if I wasn't in the driver's seat, I'd literally have a conniption and be unable to cope. I still have a lot of issues with that, with trusting, with relaxing and laying back and just letting things happen. But I'm getting better at it every day, just like I am in a lot of other ways.
Eventually, I'm going to be able to relax enough to talk about my other past relationships - to the point where I can finally cleanse wounds. I don't look forward to reliving the pain associated with that, but to finally putting it all where it belongs - in the past - I actually look forward to owning my mistakes, which sounds weird, but.... it's an essential portion of healing that I still have to do.
I am so ready for it. :)
In other quick news: it turns out that I'm not the only one in the neighborhood that's been broken into recently, and drug dealing has unfortunately started to pick up, as well. There's a community meeting about it on August 9th, which is unfortunately a Tuesday - but I may try and prepare a statement about my experience for the meeting. They say the Baltimore police department will be there. Wouldn't it be nice if they could get to the house faster than 2 hours next time? /sarcasm
Otherwise, life rolls along. I'm doing pretty well, all things considered.
I'm certainly a lot happier than I used to be. :)
Blog improvements may be coming soon. Might be time to get rid of all of this black. :D
More later.
I've worked incredibly hard over the last year to get myself back onto solid ground, to recover from my depression, to validate myself as someone worthy of existing, never mind living. To tell the truth, I would have been perfectly happy with just existence - seems that I've gotten more than I'd bargained for, heh.
Still, fear persists. I'm scared of my fragile recovery being blown to bits, and I refuse to lie about it. The ground underneath me is still quite shaky, though it's getting a bit firmer every day. I think that it's important for me to realize that I've done all that I have done myself - that no one's helped me along with this, that I'm responsible for my own happiness. A comment from my last post made me think about that, long and hard - am I happy because there's someone in my life now? Or can I be just as happy by myself, alone, the way I was going along? At the time, I'd said that having someone in my life was an addition to it, not that it became my life. I still find that to be my truth, I think.
The mistake that I've made in the past, in nearly all of my previous relationships/entanglements/something, is that I've made the other person "my life". Does that make sense? Instead of seeing them as a pleasant addition, an enhancement, I've enmeshed my own personality into theirs. Wrong, wrong, wrong move! It's okay to feel empathetic - it is NOT okay to absorb!
It's a shame that it's taken me nearly 40 years to learn better.
This relationship with Greg has been different in a lot of ways - hell, in nearly every way. Maybe it's because I'm now mature enough to know the difference, maybe it's because it's the first relationship I've had in a long time where the disparity between lifestyles wasn't such a yawning cavern, maybe it's because I'm finally ready to own my shit when I do something wrong. I don't know why, exactly. Perhaps I'm finally ready to yield a little control over to another person, because a relationship - a good one, anyway - is give and take. I've always been such a control freak in the past - if I wasn't in the driver's seat, I'd literally have a conniption and be unable to cope. I still have a lot of issues with that, with trusting, with relaxing and laying back and just letting things happen. But I'm getting better at it every day, just like I am in a lot of other ways.
Eventually, I'm going to be able to relax enough to talk about my other past relationships - to the point where I can finally cleanse wounds. I don't look forward to reliving the pain associated with that, but to finally putting it all where it belongs - in the past - I actually look forward to owning my mistakes, which sounds weird, but.... it's an essential portion of healing that I still have to do.
I am so ready for it. :)
In other quick news: it turns out that I'm not the only one in the neighborhood that's been broken into recently, and drug dealing has unfortunately started to pick up, as well. There's a community meeting about it on August 9th, which is unfortunately a Tuesday - but I may try and prepare a statement about my experience for the meeting. They say the Baltimore police department will be there. Wouldn't it be nice if they could get to the house faster than 2 hours next time? /sarcasm
Otherwise, life rolls along. I'm doing pretty well, all things considered.
I'm certainly a lot happier than I used to be. :)
Blog improvements may be coming soon. Might be time to get rid of all of this black. :D
More later.
12 June 2011
"I am only three years old!"
Three years old. My God, this blog is three years old. Where did the time go?
It's honestly hard to believe that three years have passed since I first began this little "journal" of mine. In truth, June 12 isn't really the day I started - but it's the only date I have for reference, because I wiped out the original entries during a very deep, very dark depression. How I wish I knew what they had said. It would have been a frame of reference for just how bad it really got. But, c'est la vie, I suppose - I must now work with what I have.
People have been telling me that they have seen a huge difference within me over the last year - indeed, the last six months. I do feel that I've grown substantially in that time. It's not been an easy journey by any means, but... I sit here and I think that maybe I wouldn't change anything.
The depression is now a part of me - maybe was a part of me. I'm still hesitant to say that I've recovered or that I'm cured of it - but I can safely state that I am in the process of recovery. That's a hell of a lot better than where I was this time last year. Or three years ago.
Everything happens for a reason.
I am better equipped to handle disappointment, or anger, or negative feelings. I don't run off into a blind rage anymore. I am starting to learn how not to blame the world at large for issues that I may (or may not have) caused. I am beginning to open my eyes and see others around me, others that have for years tried to reach me, tried to help me, haven't turned away from me. I am beginning to allow new people into my life, slowly. I no longer feel that time and circumstances are against me.
Three years ago, I couldn't have fathomed this kind of growth.
If you're still here after all this time... thank you for staying. Thank you for seeing me through what I can only describe as a living hell on earth. And thank you for remaining my friend throughout it all. I treasure my friends dearly, and you are one of them. :) If you're a new reader, welcome to my crazy-assed life. Strap yourself in... my life has been up, down, tossed around, it's hit manic highs and crushing lows... but one thing is for sure - you will never be bored.
My blog, like my self, is growing up. :)
I never thought I'd be able to say "welcome to year 4". But... here we are. Let it begin... may it continue to be a time of growth and change.
Bring it on. :)
18 December 2010
I'm a mean one, I'm Mr. Grinch. Apparently.
I've not felt too upbeat or positive the last couple of days. As usual, it comes from watching other people be cheery, happy, merry, looking forward to the holiday, blah blah. The only thing that I have to look forward to is a day alone in front of the television, and I know it.
Sometimes I just get so angry when I think of the things that other people are so lucky to have - family, friends, people to share occasions like this with.
I've been trying so hard to move on from my past and to deal, slowly, with the things that have been haunting and hurting me, and trying to be good about not projecting anger onto other people (especially those that haven't had a thing to do with what's happened to me). But, goddamnit, it's so hard today just not to cry and think, why me, what have I done to deserve this shit, does anyone even really give a fuck.
I know that this is just temporary, that this will pass, that I will eventually be all right. It's just so hard sometimes to go on, knowing that I have to rebuild what is essentially destroyed.
This is why I haven't wanted to deal too closely with the Christmas holiday, but now that it's merely a week away, it's getting shoved down my throat with the parties and the decorations and the constant holiday "specials" on television and the bullshit music, all of that. I'm sick of hearing about it. I wish that I could just go to sleep tonight and wake up 2 weeks later.
Anyway. Sorry for the downbeat post tonight. At least I'm not sitting in a hotel room in Ocean City and contemplating drowning myself in the surf. That's a step up, at least, isn't it?
Sometimes I just get so angry when I think of the things that other people are so lucky to have - family, friends, people to share occasions like this with.
I've been trying so hard to move on from my past and to deal, slowly, with the things that have been haunting and hurting me, and trying to be good about not projecting anger onto other people (especially those that haven't had a thing to do with what's happened to me). But, goddamnit, it's so hard today just not to cry and think, why me, what have I done to deserve this shit, does anyone even really give a fuck.
I know that this is just temporary, that this will pass, that I will eventually be all right. It's just so hard sometimes to go on, knowing that I have to rebuild what is essentially destroyed.
This is why I haven't wanted to deal too closely with the Christmas holiday, but now that it's merely a week away, it's getting shoved down my throat with the parties and the decorations and the constant holiday "specials" on television and the bullshit music, all of that. I'm sick of hearing about it. I wish that I could just go to sleep tonight and wake up 2 weeks later.
Anyway. Sorry for the downbeat post tonight. At least I'm not sitting in a hotel room in Ocean City and contemplating drowning myself in the surf. That's a step up, at least, isn't it?
29 August 2010
Thoughts about Katrina.
Today is the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. It's so hard to believe that that was five years ago... and I remember the horror of it all, thinking that New Orleans was doomed and that they'd never get all of that water out of the streets and that they'd find so many dead bodies, etc., etc. And in some ways, that did come true - some of the pictures were and are horrific. But I'm impressed with how N.O. rebounded after everything was said and done. It's not all fixed, of course - that'll take decades. There's still houses for sale in the Ninth Ward - I actually went on a real estate website for that area and looked at the offerings. I could actually buy 3 or 4 houses there for what I paid for this one, fix them up, make a profit - but I wouldn't. What I'd really like to do, if I had the money to, would be to buy those houses, fix them up, then just give them away to the ones that needed them - or if I had to sell them, sell it for a dollar, help those folks out. I don't really know that people would move back down there, though. I know that I wouldn't, myself, not because I'm afraid, but because I just don't like the South - I didn't like living in Georgia, so I know I wouldn't enjoy it there.
It amazes me that I had thoughts along these lines. It could be that I still have a shred or two of compassion for my fellow man - how about that.
One of the most heartbreaking pictures that I ever saw from Hurricane Katrina was one of a woman who had lost her... husband, boyfriend, not sure of the relationship... and was crying next to his body.
The body wrapped in the sheet had a name - Xavier Bowie. A lot of people didn't or weren't able to put names with the horrific images that they saw in the days after the hurricane. But those people that lived through this, they know and remember. It's still sickening to see images like this one five years later, and know that the man in this picture, Mr. Bowie, died because he ran out of oxygen and wasn't able to get medical help in time. A senseless, ridiculous death that didn't have to happen.
I was working at Bank of America then, on the late night shift, as a check processor. So I had a lot of opportunity to listen to the radio - specifically talk radio - and hear the live reports as they were coming in from New Orleans those couple of confusing days where no one knew what was going on, whether people were alive or dead - and as early as the next day, people sure were pointing fingers and assigning blame. It was disgusting, hearing some of these people speaking, especially the conservative faction like Sean Hannity and Michael Savage. (And let me tell you something, if you want to hear a reincarnation of Adolf Hitler ranting, tune in to Michael Savage. It's fucking EERIE how similar they sound. Seriously.) I can only imagine, five years on, what nonsense Glenn Beck is mouthing to the sheeple in D.C. at the tea party rallies.
(Can you all tell that I am not a fan of the extreme right? Tee-hee.)
Sure, I think that a lot of things were done the wrong way after the storm. I remember a rather juicy, angry post I'd made about the FEMA-issued debit cards back then when I still had my LiveJournal account - how I was angry about some of the less-scrupulous taking tax dollars to buy Coach purses, expensive jewelry, nights out on the town, etc. That was definitely not the way to go, and I'm still really ticked off that people would be so avaricious. But I have the gift of introspection, and there's always going to be a few people in every massive crowd that will not do the right thing, that will take the easy way out, that are soft and weak. The majority of those people did the right thing and used it for living expenses, for things they needed and not wanted. I know that, deep down.
I'm more disgusted with the fact that the state of Louisiana and the city of New Orleans didn't have concrete plans in place to deal with an emergency like this. To this day, I'm haunted by the fact that all of those school buses sat in a yard, flooded, instead of being used to get these fucking people OUT OF THERE.
Yeah, I know, some people were stubborn and didn't want to leave, but you know what? Had I been the governor of Louisiana, or the mayor of N.O., they wouldn't have had a fucking choice. You either leave, or you'll be forced to leave - whether you have to be arrested or not. But the picture above is just... fucking... sad. They could have used those buses, Greyhound buses, ANYTHING to get people out of there.
There is and was so much wrong with the way this was handled that I can't even go into it all, because the post would be the entire page and then some.
Five years on, New Orleans is still trying to make a comeback. I hope they do. I can't even imagine what would happen to us here in Baltimore if a similar situation arose - and it could happen, y'know. We're near a harbor, and it's flooded before after a hurricane. Just not to this level, because a cat. 5 has never come up here (it probably won't, as we're too far inland for conditions to be right). But one never knows, that's the point.
How do you end a post like this? A touching "rest in peace" for the dead? Or fervent hopes and wishes for the living? A warning that something like this could, Christ forbid, happen again? What do you say to these people that have had so much taken from them, but given the strength and the courage to survive the unsurvivable?
Just as those who don't have depression will never understand what I go through.... I will never understand, as an outsider who didn't live through Hurricane Katrina, what these people have suffered.
And I thank whatever deity that you may/may not believe in that I was spared that knowledge.
It amazes me that I had thoughts along these lines. It could be that I still have a shred or two of compassion for my fellow man - how about that.
One of the most heartbreaking pictures that I ever saw from Hurricane Katrina was one of a woman who had lost her... husband, boyfriend, not sure of the relationship... and was crying next to his body.
The body wrapped in the sheet had a name - Xavier Bowie. A lot of people didn't or weren't able to put names with the horrific images that they saw in the days after the hurricane. But those people that lived through this, they know and remember. It's still sickening to see images like this one five years later, and know that the man in this picture, Mr. Bowie, died because he ran out of oxygen and wasn't able to get medical help in time. A senseless, ridiculous death that didn't have to happen.
I was working at Bank of America then, on the late night shift, as a check processor. So I had a lot of opportunity to listen to the radio - specifically talk radio - and hear the live reports as they were coming in from New Orleans those couple of confusing days where no one knew what was going on, whether people were alive or dead - and as early as the next day, people sure were pointing fingers and assigning blame. It was disgusting, hearing some of these people speaking, especially the conservative faction like Sean Hannity and Michael Savage. (And let me tell you something, if you want to hear a reincarnation of Adolf Hitler ranting, tune in to Michael Savage. It's fucking EERIE how similar they sound. Seriously.) I can only imagine, five years on, what nonsense Glenn Beck is mouthing to the sheeple in D.C. at the tea party rallies.
(Can you all tell that I am not a fan of the extreme right? Tee-hee.)
Sure, I think that a lot of things were done the wrong way after the storm. I remember a rather juicy, angry post I'd made about the FEMA-issued debit cards back then when I still had my LiveJournal account - how I was angry about some of the less-scrupulous taking tax dollars to buy Coach purses, expensive jewelry, nights out on the town, etc. That was definitely not the way to go, and I'm still really ticked off that people would be so avaricious. But I have the gift of introspection, and there's always going to be a few people in every massive crowd that will not do the right thing, that will take the easy way out, that are soft and weak. The majority of those people did the right thing and used it for living expenses, for things they needed and not wanted. I know that, deep down.
I'm more disgusted with the fact that the state of Louisiana and the city of New Orleans didn't have concrete plans in place to deal with an emergency like this. To this day, I'm haunted by the fact that all of those school buses sat in a yard, flooded, instead of being used to get these fucking people OUT OF THERE.
Yeah, I know, some people were stubborn and didn't want to leave, but you know what? Had I been the governor of Louisiana, or the mayor of N.O., they wouldn't have had a fucking choice. You either leave, or you'll be forced to leave - whether you have to be arrested or not. But the picture above is just... fucking... sad. They could have used those buses, Greyhound buses, ANYTHING to get people out of there.
There is and was so much wrong with the way this was handled that I can't even go into it all, because the post would be the entire page and then some.
Five years on, New Orleans is still trying to make a comeback. I hope they do. I can't even imagine what would happen to us here in Baltimore if a similar situation arose - and it could happen, y'know. We're near a harbor, and it's flooded before after a hurricane. Just not to this level, because a cat. 5 has never come up here (it probably won't, as we're too far inland for conditions to be right). But one never knows, that's the point.
How do you end a post like this? A touching "rest in peace" for the dead? Or fervent hopes and wishes for the living? A warning that something like this could, Christ forbid, happen again? What do you say to these people that have had so much taken from them, but given the strength and the courage to survive the unsurvivable?
Just as those who don't have depression will never understand what I go through.... I will never understand, as an outsider who didn't live through Hurricane Katrina, what these people have suffered.
And I thank whatever deity that you may/may not believe in that I was spared that knowledge.
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