Wow, things have been going batshit crazy my way recently. I guess this is the time to do a massive (if I can) update. I've actually been wanting to write for a little while now, but I've put it off because I didn't want to try to type out a long post with that stupid cast on.
First of all, the hard cast on my wrist came off on Wednesday, though it's not completely healed as of yet - I still have a soft brace on and will have it on for the next six weeks. It's a fair trade, though, if I can wash my arm and scratch my own skin - believe me when I tell you that I'm relieved beyond belief. I am now able to dress myself, for the most part, as well as type with all of my fingers again. Still no lifting for a while, though - even a full bottle of water is too much for me at this point. Hopefully the swelling and bruising will go down soon.
(Warning: If you're squeamish about women's health issues, or if the word "gynecology" scares the crap out of you, proceed to where it says "END" in bold. I understand if you don't want to read about my female plumbing - trust me, I won't be hurt. :p )
I also went to the OB to discuss tubal ligation - just like I'd promised I would way back when. Apparently there are other issues going on, though, which means I need a pelvic sonogram and comprehensive bloodwork. I already know what's going on - there's a definite hormone imbalance and has been for some time, I don't need a return visit for them to tell me that. Question really boils down to, what are they going to do about it.
Oh, I cried throughout the exam. It was horrible. I just couldn't get a hold of myself. Thank Christ Greg was there to support me through it, or I don't know if I'd have ever stepped foot into the place. Luckily, my OB is very sweet and understanding of my fears - so I do feel I'm in good hands. I hated the exam, but I'm glad I went - this encourages me to take a lot better care of my health, I think. It's time I did that. I don't have the excuse of no health insurance anymore!
(END of squeamish portion of the program. You little pussy. :p )
School is going... eh, so-so. I don't think I'm going to get real good scores on the classes I have right now, but then I didn't plan on breaking my wrist and being in doped-up, intense pain for most of the semester, either. I'm not killing myself over it - if I fail, then I fail. I'll take it over again, I don't (and won't) have any other choice.
This has been a really crazy month, though. Work has been about the same, though we again have a new manager and he's making some pretty serious changes to the day-to-day operation of the unit (in this case it's mainly good things), so that's something to get used to. I've been settling in with life in general - Greg and I still have a wonderful relationship and we've been getting along great. While my guard is still up (mainly on an unconscious level now, though), I do think that things just may work out after all. We have plenty of time still ahead of us, so in the meantime, I'm just enjoying, enjoying, enjoying it.
Lots of events have been going on as well - we went to the Baltimore Book Festival this year, we're going to Kings Dominion in a couple of weeks, RenFest this weekend - then the holidays coming, and that'll be a big thing because it'll be our first together.... yeah. Life's been nuts, but it's also been a ball. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. :D
Of course, there's always that other shoe. But I'm slowly gaining faith that it just might not fall. Maybe.
Not much else to tell at the moment. My wrist is beginning to ache, though, so it's probably best to close out for now.
Showing posts with label employment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label employment. Show all posts
07 October 2011
14 August 2011
Rambling, it's what's for breakfast.
Recently, it's been a time for anniversaries; those that have just passed, and a few that are coming up - both categories have a mix of good and bad. I've remarked upon a couple of them already, but the big one for this month is that of August 17th.
So what the hell happened on August 17th?
I began my current employment at the drug lab on August 17, 2008, a mere 12 days after I returned from Sydney. As a matter of fact, they had called me while I was out of town offering me the position. You can only imagine how much I'd panicked when I'd found that out - here I was ten thousand miles away and I couldn't just drop everything to start working, heh. Luckily they were nice enough to tell me not to hurry back!
Now, this may not seem like a huge deal - in the grand scheme of things, I guess it isn't. But that job offer opened up a world of security to me - after all, it's the Federal government. The Feds may be going through hard times right now, but my job (law enforcement) will always be needed, always be necessary, always provide for me. I gained security when I said yes to that job. And as we all know, security is my utmost priority in my life, simply because I've never had any up until now.
Three years later, I received my annual review with an astonishing 4 "fully met expectations" and 5 "exceeds expectations" criteria checked. I am not only on track to keep my job, but to continue on to a GS-7, which was unheard of to me 3 years ago (I started out as a lowly GS-3). The only bad thing about this now is that ... well, after GS-7, there's nowhere left to go for me. Not in the job I'm in now. That's the promotion limit.
I have until April of 2013 to decide what I want/need to do as far as this job is concerned. I guess that I never really thought that I'd last, or that I'd have such a choice to make. Hell, when I first took this job, I didn't think I'd live to see 40 years old... and yet, I'm approaching that milestone as well, very soon.
In some ways, my life is taking turns that are scaring me a bit. In late March of 2012, I will be 40 years old - half of my life gone. Yes, I've accomplished a lot in the last few years, and I'm proud of that... but at the same time, I'm saddened that it took that long for me to straighten out, that I spent 20+ years floundering and unsure and lonely and incredibly depressed. I'm sad that I didn't do more with my life up until now. Perhaps it's why I'm pushing myself so hard with school and work and trying to enjoy things - because I'm trying so hard to make up for the lost years.
Oh, bluh, listen to me, don't I sound all morbid, Gawd. I'm in a good mood - what's up with that? :p
I really, really need to fix this blog so that it's not so freaking dark anymore. I'm not dark anymore - why not reflect that?
Obviously I'm contemplative today. That could get me into some trouble, so maybe I'll do a bit of redesigning. We'll see.
So what the hell happened on August 17th?
I began my current employment at the drug lab on August 17, 2008, a mere 12 days after I returned from Sydney. As a matter of fact, they had called me while I was out of town offering me the position. You can only imagine how much I'd panicked when I'd found that out - here I was ten thousand miles away and I couldn't just drop everything to start working, heh. Luckily they were nice enough to tell me not to hurry back!
Now, this may not seem like a huge deal - in the grand scheme of things, I guess it isn't. But that job offer opened up a world of security to me - after all, it's the Federal government. The Feds may be going through hard times right now, but my job (law enforcement) will always be needed, always be necessary, always provide for me. I gained security when I said yes to that job. And as we all know, security is my utmost priority in my life, simply because I've never had any up until now.
Three years later, I received my annual review with an astonishing 4 "fully met expectations" and 5 "exceeds expectations" criteria checked. I am not only on track to keep my job, but to continue on to a GS-7, which was unheard of to me 3 years ago (I started out as a lowly GS-3). The only bad thing about this now is that ... well, after GS-7, there's nowhere left to go for me. Not in the job I'm in now. That's the promotion limit.
I have until April of 2013 to decide what I want/need to do as far as this job is concerned. I guess that I never really thought that I'd last, or that I'd have such a choice to make. Hell, when I first took this job, I didn't think I'd live to see 40 years old... and yet, I'm approaching that milestone as well, very soon.
In some ways, my life is taking turns that are scaring me a bit. In late March of 2012, I will be 40 years old - half of my life gone. Yes, I've accomplished a lot in the last few years, and I'm proud of that... but at the same time, I'm saddened that it took that long for me to straighten out, that I spent 20+ years floundering and unsure and lonely and incredibly depressed. I'm sad that I didn't do more with my life up until now. Perhaps it's why I'm pushing myself so hard with school and work and trying to enjoy things - because I'm trying so hard to make up for the lost years.
Oh, bluh, listen to me, don't I sound all morbid, Gawd. I'm in a good mood - what's up with that? :p
I really, really need to fix this blog so that it's not so freaking dark anymore. I'm not dark anymore - why not reflect that?
Obviously I'm contemplative today. That could get me into some trouble, so maybe I'll do a bit of redesigning. We'll see.
22 May 2011
A bit of catching up to do.
This is the last weekend I have "off" before school starts, and in truth, I'm excited to get started again. I've been bone-idle way too long.
I made a major decision over the course of the week to change my minor from forensics to women's studies - which is striking some people as "quite odd", especially since I've often said that I despise women, can't stand them, etc. In truth, I think that it's the sociological aspect that turns me off, especially regarding my generation. It's a throwback to the 1950s, where women were all about their husbands/boyfriends and their kids - both aspects that I cannot relate to in the slightest. I once read a book called "Tripping the Prom Queen" that described the rivalry of women and how they compete (especially for the attention of men). It only confirmed exactly what I've always thought - there is no such thing as a "sisterhood". The second you show any interest in what women consider "their man", the claws come out and the friendship is all over. Even I've done it. Bee-eff-eff, my fat ass.
I've just never had any interest in "competing" for any man - if a person doesn't want to be with me or spend time with me, fuck them. They miss out, not me. (Although it's taken years, decades, for me to get to that point. I don't kid myself on that score.)
So why women's studies? Partially because it relates to me in that I'm a woman, of course - but also, because I want to know more about my own gender, and what makes us do these stupid fucking things we do. It's also because I actually started to relate to the female convicts down at work - I started seeing life through their eyes, started to realize that a lot of the reason why they were in trouble to begin with is because they have little to no self-esteem. They don't believe in themselves or their potential. And isn't that where I was, at one time? Where I still am, in some ways?
I don't fool myself that I can make these womens' lives better. But I can at least understand, or relate in some way. I can offer empathy, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. I know how they feel, in a lot of respects, in that they don't have anyone to listen to them, or that cares what happens to them.
Perhaps I do have a minute shred of compassion left in this hardened heart of mine.
With the minor change, as of the spring semester (2012), I'll only have 47 credits left before I graduate. At 12 credits a semester (a lot heavier than it has been, but I want this over with, to be honest), I'll be done by fall of next year. Even I can't believe it's true, in a way. I've come very far since my first panicked post that I had enrolled in school.
Oh, how far I HAVE come. :D
Alternate work schedule (AWS) starts this week. Basically my day is now nearly 10 hours instead of 9, but I get Wednesdays off every 2 weeks, which will help me out for things I have to do (like grocery shopping, deliveries, running errands, etc.). I don't know how it'll work out - I'm bone tired as it is - but I've agreed to try it out. It's not as if I'm really there any longer than I am now. What's another hour a day? And this week will be particularly sweet, as I only work Monday, Tuesday and Friday - I have jury duty on Thursday (not that I'll be selected, due to the break-in amongst other reasons), my AWS day falls this week, and then a long weekend for Memorial Day, which will be perfect for me to begin the semester with.
Despite all of the additional expenses because of the break-in, I'm actually all right, financial-wise. It's higher than I want it to be, but isn't everything? And I've decided that my federal tax refund will apply toward my bills, once again, so it'll all wash out in the end. I'll be a lot careful this time around not to run things up - of course, I've said that before, but this time I'm really going to try.
Last but not least... I received another Email from that guy that wrote me back around the holidays last year. That's the one that disappeared for months, then wrote again saying he was "thinking about me". I haven't really gone to much effort to write him, because I'm still ticked off about that - if someone's interested in you, a 4-month-long disappearance isn't the way to show it. But, eh, I guess I'm the flavor of the moment or something. Whatever. I'll play along - I don't have much else to do.
And that's about it. What an exciting life I lead, huh? :p
More later.
I made a major decision over the course of the week to change my minor from forensics to women's studies - which is striking some people as "quite odd", especially since I've often said that I despise women, can't stand them, etc. In truth, I think that it's the sociological aspect that turns me off, especially regarding my generation. It's a throwback to the 1950s, where women were all about their husbands/boyfriends and their kids - both aspects that I cannot relate to in the slightest. I once read a book called "Tripping the Prom Queen" that described the rivalry of women and how they compete (especially for the attention of men). It only confirmed exactly what I've always thought - there is no such thing as a "sisterhood". The second you show any interest in what women consider "their man", the claws come out and the friendship is all over. Even I've done it. Bee-eff-eff, my fat ass.
I've just never had any interest in "competing" for any man - if a person doesn't want to be with me or spend time with me, fuck them. They miss out, not me. (Although it's taken years, decades, for me to get to that point. I don't kid myself on that score.)
So why women's studies? Partially because it relates to me in that I'm a woman, of course - but also, because I want to know more about my own gender, and what makes us do these stupid fucking things we do. It's also because I actually started to relate to the female convicts down at work - I started seeing life through their eyes, started to realize that a lot of the reason why they were in trouble to begin with is because they have little to no self-esteem. They don't believe in themselves or their potential. And isn't that where I was, at one time? Where I still am, in some ways?
I don't fool myself that I can make these womens' lives better. But I can at least understand, or relate in some way. I can offer empathy, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. I know how they feel, in a lot of respects, in that they don't have anyone to listen to them, or that cares what happens to them.
Perhaps I do have a minute shred of compassion left in this hardened heart of mine.
With the minor change, as of the spring semester (2012), I'll only have 47 credits left before I graduate. At 12 credits a semester (a lot heavier than it has been, but I want this over with, to be honest), I'll be done by fall of next year. Even I can't believe it's true, in a way. I've come very far since my first panicked post that I had enrolled in school.
Oh, how far I HAVE come. :D
Alternate work schedule (AWS) starts this week. Basically my day is now nearly 10 hours instead of 9, but I get Wednesdays off every 2 weeks, which will help me out for things I have to do (like grocery shopping, deliveries, running errands, etc.). I don't know how it'll work out - I'm bone tired as it is - but I've agreed to try it out. It's not as if I'm really there any longer than I am now. What's another hour a day? And this week will be particularly sweet, as I only work Monday, Tuesday and Friday - I have jury duty on Thursday (not that I'll be selected, due to the break-in amongst other reasons), my AWS day falls this week, and then a long weekend for Memorial Day, which will be perfect for me to begin the semester with.
Despite all of the additional expenses because of the break-in, I'm actually all right, financial-wise. It's higher than I want it to be, but isn't everything? And I've decided that my federal tax refund will apply toward my bills, once again, so it'll all wash out in the end. I'll be a lot careful this time around not to run things up - of course, I've said that before, but this time I'm really going to try.
Last but not least... I received another Email from that guy that wrote me back around the holidays last year. That's the one that disappeared for months, then wrote again saying he was "thinking about me". I haven't really gone to much effort to write him, because I'm still ticked off about that - if someone's interested in you, a 4-month-long disappearance isn't the way to show it. But, eh, I guess I'm the flavor of the moment or something. Whatever. I'll play along - I don't have much else to do.
And that's about it. What an exciting life I lead, huh? :p
More later.
03 May 2011
Slowly getting my life back in order.
The alarm system has been installed, and don't think for one second that I don't feel better about it. There's some residual fear, of course; no doubt that I'll be trying to hide my electronics for a while - but for the most part, I don't feel crawly and disgusting when I walk through my own house. Some things will be hard to deal with (I can't get over the fact that these douches had their filthy, thieving hands all over my clothes), but in time that'll fade away. At least, I hope so.
Things are somewhat of a mess. I need to call a few people (my doctor, for one, he's probably worried out of his mind by now), and I may have trouble paying my bills for a while because everything's on lockdown, sigh. I just need to take things one step at a time, I guess.
Next thing on the list are security doors for the front and back of the house. I'm not playing with the drug-added assholes of this city. They're going to leave my shit alone if I have to have a fucking pit bull on guard outside, alarms everywhere, a motion light detector outside of my house and in the fucking street. I work too Goddamned hard for my things and I'll be damned if some jerkoff is just going to walk the fuck on in here and take it because they feel like it.
Heh. Yep, it's the anger stage. Way better than fear any day.
I'll be just fine once I get back to work, which I'm planning on doing tomorrow. I'm not going to let this rule my life. It's time to kick ass.
Peace.
Things are somewhat of a mess. I need to call a few people (my doctor, for one, he's probably worried out of his mind by now), and I may have trouble paying my bills for a while because everything's on lockdown, sigh. I just need to take things one step at a time, I guess.
Next thing on the list are security doors for the front and back of the house. I'm not playing with the drug-added assholes of this city. They're going to leave my shit alone if I have to have a fucking pit bull on guard outside, alarms everywhere, a motion light detector outside of my house and in the fucking street. I work too Goddamned hard for my things and I'll be damned if some jerkoff is just going to walk the fuck on in here and take it because they feel like it.
Heh. Yep, it's the anger stage. Way better than fear any day.
I'll be just fine once I get back to work, which I'm planning on doing tomorrow. I'm not going to let this rule my life. It's time to kick ass.
Peace.
23 April 2011
Well, situation normal. It's all fucked up. :p
This past week has been absolutely horrendous. In the course of just 7 days, I've been feeling like utter crap, I've gained 3 pounds (putting me nearly back to the start of the year - when is this shit ever going to get better, damn it?), I've been harassed at work (I hesitate to say sexual harassment, but in truth that's exactly what it falls under) and now face the possibility of making a formal complaint, my mortgage went up by 40 dollars a month, I've lost my state tax refund because of the escrow shortage, and my cat's been puking up hairballs all over the house. I don't know if she's sick - she doesn't seem to be - but I'm a little concerned.
Fuck. Could this week have been any worse?
What absolutely amazes me is that for the most part, I've held it together and not crumbled to pieces. I keep reminding myself that things could be, and have been, a lot worse. Still, I didn't appreciate everything raining down on my head all at once, you know?
I was supposed to clean this weekend, but after all of this bullshit, I've pretty much boiled it down to "fuck this, I'll do what I like", heh. I am so tired, and it just seems that every bit of human contact that I've had recently has been nothing but a source of irritation. Though maybe it's nothing except paranoia, I just get this overwhelming sense that everything is either going wrong or is about to.
I look around and I see all of these things that I either want to do or, worse, need to be done... and I can't seem to find any enthusiasm or will to do any of it. It's like, what's the point?
Even my therapy recently hasn't much helped this sense of impending doom.
Maybe I'm just going through a bad patch right now, I don't know, but I wish it would stop.
Okay, bitching over. :p /complaint
Fuck. Could this week have been any worse?
What absolutely amazes me is that for the most part, I've held it together and not crumbled to pieces. I keep reminding myself that things could be, and have been, a lot worse. Still, I didn't appreciate everything raining down on my head all at once, you know?
I was supposed to clean this weekend, but after all of this bullshit, I've pretty much boiled it down to "fuck this, I'll do what I like", heh. I am so tired, and it just seems that every bit of human contact that I've had recently has been nothing but a source of irritation. Though maybe it's nothing except paranoia, I just get this overwhelming sense that everything is either going wrong or is about to.
I look around and I see all of these things that I either want to do or, worse, need to be done... and I can't seem to find any enthusiasm or will to do any of it. It's like, what's the point?
Even my therapy recently hasn't much helped this sense of impending doom.
Maybe I'm just going through a bad patch right now, I don't know, but I wish it would stop.
Okay, bitching over. :p /complaint
08 April 2011
Tonight, I am grateful.
Despite how it may look to most readers of this lovely little tome of mine, I do contemplate on heavier social and political matters from time to time. Nowhere was that more evident than tonight; if you keep up with the news, there was a real and serious threat of a government shutdown, which of course means that my job would be directly affected. Until approximately an hour ago, I was prepared to come to work on Monday morning and perform my duties, as difficult as they are, for no compensation. (I would have gotten paid eventually, considering that I am an "essential" employee - but my paychecks still wouldn't have been on time, disrupting my financial plans and so much more.) Luckily... I have been saved at the eleventh hour tonight, as the worthless idiots that make up our Congress have stopped bickering like whiny five year olds in the sandbox and have come up with a compromise.
Tonight, I am grateful that my job has been saved.
Tonight, I am grateful that I will continue to pay my mortgage, on time and in full.
Tonight, I am grateful that I am able to turn on my heat to combat the slight chill in the air. I am grateful that I will be warm and safe in my comfortable bed.
Tonight, I am grateful that I will eat another meal, and not worry about where it's coming from.
It's things like this averted shutdown that have made me realize just how very lucky I have it. Yeah, I suffer from mental illness. I suffer from avoidant personality disorder and my social life is in shambles. My track record with relationships sucks ass.
But I could have it so, so much worse.
Tonight.... I am TRULY grateful for everything I have.
Tonight, I am grateful that my job has been saved.
Tonight, I am grateful that I will continue to pay my mortgage, on time and in full.
Tonight, I am grateful that I am able to turn on my heat to combat the slight chill in the air. I am grateful that I will be warm and safe in my comfortable bed.
Tonight, I am grateful that I will eat another meal, and not worry about where it's coming from.
It's things like this averted shutdown that have made me realize just how very lucky I have it. Yeah, I suffer from mental illness. I suffer from avoidant personality disorder and my social life is in shambles. My track record with relationships sucks ass.
But I could have it so, so much worse.
Tonight.... I am TRULY grateful for everything I have.
03 April 2011
Tired (and somewhat depressive) rambling.
Can't sleep at the moment, so I figured I'd make a post and wait for these pain pills to kick in. Thank Christ for Excedrin PM, that's all I can say. This weekend hasn't been the best for me on either a physical or mental level, unfortunately. I ended up sleeping for most of the day today because I just... I don't know, the lethargy was overpowering and I didn't feel like battling it, to be honest.
There's a lot going on right now. I'm embroiled in a huge project at work where I more or less have to create a website for the department, and while I have the talent/ability/skill to do it, they're not giving me a lot of time to accomplish the job and I'm beginning to fall behind in not only this, but the other things they've asked me to do (not to mention my regular duties). I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and irritable. I don't even want to think about what might happen after school starts - what the fuck am I going to do then?
My notebook computer suffered a devastating fall on Friday afternoon, and the screen is useless, so I ended up having to spend 700 dollars on a new one - an expense that is very, VERY ill-timed. I was rather proud of myself for not completely losing control, but I'm sick inside about the whole thing. As usual, it just seems as if I can't win, no matter what I do.
Maybe I slept the entire day away as a form of escape. I don't know. I'm painfully aware that I'm still not very happy with my life, even though things have improved quite a bit.
When I went out on Friday night to get the new computer, I watched people walking around at the harbor with a sort of detached observation... and as usual, I felt out of place and alienated from what was going on around me. That, at least, hasn't changed. I find that as time goes on, though, it bothers me less and less.
Whenever I feel sad or lonely or even a quiet sense of desperation... all that I have to think of to snap me out of that mood is all of the failed relationships that have gone on before... or the last time that I tried to date someone. The last time that I tried to strike out in the romantic arena, I was violated. That's enough to make me feel more than glad to be alone. Sometimes I think that I'll feel that way for the rest of my life, but.... oddly, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it once did.
I simply don't want to be hurt anymore. If being alone is the price I have to pay for safety, for security... I will gladly pay it and be content.
Ah, hell, this is turning a bit toward the despondent, and I didn't mean it to be, as I'm not really depressed so much as lethargic and achy. Whiny, if you want to be blunt about it. :p As always, I'll probably feel better tomorrow or in a couple of days. I'm just laying here and hoping for sleep at the moment.
It's strange, because I've been eating the best I ever have these past few weeks (i.e., a lot of vegetables and fruit, not much meat, sensible portions, the "right things"), I've actually begun to lose a significant amount of weight, and yet... I feel like I've been spun dry in my Bosch, knocked around in a boxing ring, run over by a truck. It makes no sense. Perhaps my mind is fighting the progress that my body's experiencing, a psychosomatic response to the possibility of shedding the wall that I've been hiding behind for most of my life now. I know damned well that my weight is a hiding mechanism - no therapist has to tell me that.
The possibility of losing that mechanism is, apparently, too much for my cracked brain to handle.
I'm not giving up, though.
Anyway, enough of this complaining. Hopefully the Excedrin will do its job soon and I can get some shuteye.
Later.
There's a lot going on right now. I'm embroiled in a huge project at work where I more or less have to create a website for the department, and while I have the talent/ability/skill to do it, they're not giving me a lot of time to accomplish the job and I'm beginning to fall behind in not only this, but the other things they've asked me to do (not to mention my regular duties). I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and irritable. I don't even want to think about what might happen after school starts - what the fuck am I going to do then?
My notebook computer suffered a devastating fall on Friday afternoon, and the screen is useless, so I ended up having to spend 700 dollars on a new one - an expense that is very, VERY ill-timed. I was rather proud of myself for not completely losing control, but I'm sick inside about the whole thing. As usual, it just seems as if I can't win, no matter what I do.
Maybe I slept the entire day away as a form of escape. I don't know. I'm painfully aware that I'm still not very happy with my life, even though things have improved quite a bit.
When I went out on Friday night to get the new computer, I watched people walking around at the harbor with a sort of detached observation... and as usual, I felt out of place and alienated from what was going on around me. That, at least, hasn't changed. I find that as time goes on, though, it bothers me less and less.
Whenever I feel sad or lonely or even a quiet sense of desperation... all that I have to think of to snap me out of that mood is all of the failed relationships that have gone on before... or the last time that I tried to date someone. The last time that I tried to strike out in the romantic arena, I was violated. That's enough to make me feel more than glad to be alone. Sometimes I think that I'll feel that way for the rest of my life, but.... oddly, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it once did.
I simply don't want to be hurt anymore. If being alone is the price I have to pay for safety, for security... I will gladly pay it and be content.
Ah, hell, this is turning a bit toward the despondent, and I didn't mean it to be, as I'm not really depressed so much as lethargic and achy. Whiny, if you want to be blunt about it. :p As always, I'll probably feel better tomorrow or in a couple of days. I'm just laying here and hoping for sleep at the moment.
It's strange, because I've been eating the best I ever have these past few weeks (i.e., a lot of vegetables and fruit, not much meat, sensible portions, the "right things"), I've actually begun to lose a significant amount of weight, and yet... I feel like I've been spun dry in my Bosch, knocked around in a boxing ring, run over by a truck. It makes no sense. Perhaps my mind is fighting the progress that my body's experiencing, a psychosomatic response to the possibility of shedding the wall that I've been hiding behind for most of my life now. I know damned well that my weight is a hiding mechanism - no therapist has to tell me that.
The possibility of losing that mechanism is, apparently, too much for my cracked brain to handle.
I'm not giving up, though.
Anyway, enough of this complaining. Hopefully the Excedrin will do its job soon and I can get some shuteye.
Later.
22 February 2011
......
I've been off of work for five days now, and while it's been nice, I'm really kind of eager to get back again. I've accomplished a lot around the house, but I'm growing weary of that and need some outside stimulation, even if it's just minor chit-chat with my idiotic coworkers.
The truth is that I've been up and down for the past few days. Friday I felt fine. Sunday I felt fine. Saturday and today I've felt down and upset and emotional. I think that the loneliness is starting to wear me down.
Is this my life now?
I think I'm going to go sob for a while....
The truth is that I've been up and down for the past few days. Friday I felt fine. Sunday I felt fine. Saturday and today I've felt down and upset and emotional. I think that the loneliness is starting to wear me down.
Is this my life now?
I think I'm going to go sob for a while....
11 February 2011
Now leaving the Twilight Zone....
I've been busy over the last week. As I've probably mentioned a few times on my social networking accounts and elsewhere, I've received my bed, it's set up, and I've been sleeping like a fiend all week long. Ever since, though, I've been doing more around this house than I have in the last 10 months combined - probably because I really don't have any more excuses to put it off, but also because the bed just looks so damned good set up and it's starting to tie together, if you will. There's finally things on the walls, though I still don't have nearly enough, and I'm beginning to get down to the business of taking stock, figuring out what I need, etc.
I know that I should have been doing this - hell, I should have finished this over six months ago. Better late than never, I guess.
Today has been a day of thinking for me. There's something on my mind that's been weighing heavily for a very long time, something that is finally beginning to release its once very, VERY powerful hold on me. I wish that I could begin talking about it, but it's still something that 1. remains quite painful in a lot of respects and 2. is quite recent and therefore fresh, something that I've not fully dealt with yet. It's not earth-shattering, trust me, but the situation more or less ruled my entire life for the last few years. Even a few months ago, I wasn't able to deal very well with it. Certain things that have been tied to this situation still hurt, like some music... some places... watching certain things. I'm beginning to take some of these things back, one piece at a time. But... it's beginning to fade away into the background. I know that I'm being vague about this, and I don't mean to be, but it's... still not something I can discuss yet. I will, one day, when I feel safe.
Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't feel at all sad about it. Sure, one of these days I'd love to be in a good relationship with someone - but until that day comes, I'm not going to lament over it. For the first time in my life, I am OKAY with being single. My life is finally my own, and I have no one to answer to. If I want to be honest with myself, I'm not really sure I want to give that much of myself away to someone. With very few exceptions, I've always been hurt when I've done that, and I won't risk being hurt like that again.
It'll have to be someone that's beyond, beyond, BEYOND special for me to give away even a small piece of my heart again. And we all know how rare that is.
The person that I had been exchanging Emails with back in October recently wrote me after a 4 month absence, saying that "he'd been thinking about me". That's nice, I guess, though my enthusiasm is dampened by the fact that he didn't bother to write me back - for 4 months. Somehow this isn't a compliment, I'm thinking. I gave him a response, but it's not likely I'm going to forget the lapse. Maybe that's harsh, but I'm just extremely cautious about who I'm going to let into "the inner circle". AvPD at work again, go figure.
Things are okay, otherwise. Work is still a huge pain in the ass, though it's starting to settle down once again (unless it's ME, which it could very well be - I've not been in a real great mood this week, but then that was obvious from my last post). I have to do another Saturday shift tomorrow, the second in two weeks, but then they'll leave me alone until May - just in time for school starting up again. I need to get on that, actually, because I have to decide what classes are next. I'm going to try three courses this semester instead of two - probably not the best of ideas, but I need to get jump-started on this degree. I don't want to still be in school 10 years from now. Or be in hock for yet more school loans. I'm already up over 10 grand in school loans - ugh, I saw that and I nearly cried, sigh.
It is what it is. It'll be worth it.
More later.
I know that I should have been doing this - hell, I should have finished this over six months ago. Better late than never, I guess.
Today has been a day of thinking for me. There's something on my mind that's been weighing heavily for a very long time, something that is finally beginning to release its once very, VERY powerful hold on me. I wish that I could begin talking about it, but it's still something that 1. remains quite painful in a lot of respects and 2. is quite recent and therefore fresh, something that I've not fully dealt with yet. It's not earth-shattering, trust me, but the situation more or less ruled my entire life for the last few years. Even a few months ago, I wasn't able to deal very well with it. Certain things that have been tied to this situation still hurt, like some music... some places... watching certain things. I'm beginning to take some of these things back, one piece at a time. But... it's beginning to fade away into the background. I know that I'm being vague about this, and I don't mean to be, but it's... still not something I can discuss yet. I will, one day, when I feel safe.
Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't feel at all sad about it. Sure, one of these days I'd love to be in a good relationship with someone - but until that day comes, I'm not going to lament over it. For the first time in my life, I am OKAY with being single. My life is finally my own, and I have no one to answer to. If I want to be honest with myself, I'm not really sure I want to give that much of myself away to someone. With very few exceptions, I've always been hurt when I've done that, and I won't risk being hurt like that again.
It'll have to be someone that's beyond, beyond, BEYOND special for me to give away even a small piece of my heart again. And we all know how rare that is.
The person that I had been exchanging Emails with back in October recently wrote me after a 4 month absence, saying that "he'd been thinking about me". That's nice, I guess, though my enthusiasm is dampened by the fact that he didn't bother to write me back - for 4 months. Somehow this isn't a compliment, I'm thinking. I gave him a response, but it's not likely I'm going to forget the lapse. Maybe that's harsh, but I'm just extremely cautious about who I'm going to let into "the inner circle". AvPD at work again, go figure.
Things are okay, otherwise. Work is still a huge pain in the ass, though it's starting to settle down once again (unless it's ME, which it could very well be - I've not been in a real great mood this week, but then that was obvious from my last post). I have to do another Saturday shift tomorrow, the second in two weeks, but then they'll leave me alone until May - just in time for school starting up again. I need to get on that, actually, because I have to decide what classes are next. I'm going to try three courses this semester instead of two - probably not the best of ideas, but I need to get jump-started on this degree. I don't want to still be in school 10 years from now. Or be in hock for yet more school loans. I'm already up over 10 grand in school loans - ugh, I saw that and I nearly cried, sigh.
It is what it is. It'll be worth it.
More later.
07 January 2011
So far, 2011 has been a suck year....
...at least on the health front, anyway. For once, it's not mental or anything connected with depression.
I've had a horrible case of vertigo for the last couple of days. I went to my vision doctor today to see if it had anything to do with my glasses, but it doesn't. Which means that I either have a viral infection (possible) or high blood pressure (possible, but unlikely).
If I have a viral infection, I got it - where else - from the fuckheads at work.
I'm getting really tired of catching these assmonkeys' diseases. Everything that I've been sick with in the last three years, I've caught from either my coworkers or the crackheads. It's getting fucking old, man.
Anyhow. What else is new, heh.
I've had a horrible case of vertigo for the last couple of days. I went to my vision doctor today to see if it had anything to do with my glasses, but it doesn't. Which means that I either have a viral infection (possible) or high blood pressure (possible, but unlikely).
If I have a viral infection, I got it - where else - from the fuckheads at work.
I'm getting really tired of catching these assmonkeys' diseases. Everything that I've been sick with in the last three years, I've caught from either my coworkers or the crackheads. It's getting fucking old, man.
Anyhow. What else is new, heh.
05 January 2011
This has not been a stellar week so far.
I've been horrendously busy, and I'm already experiencing consequences for it. I haven't seen my therapist for nearly three weeks now - not good. My determination to eat better and get myself into better physical shape has already been blown to bits, mainly because I'm too busy to even eat properly. I come home, have a quick sandwich, and that's literally IT for the entire day. I'm still eating the wrong fucking things. I need to get it together, what the hell is the matter with me?
I just have no time for anything anymore. I get up, I'm out the door in half an hour, I travel to work, I work my ass off, I get back on the train and come home, I finally sit down and eat something, but then I have to pay bills or do laundry or other household chores, plus take care of my cat (not that she requires much, but you know what I mean)... and I have to squeeze all of that into 2 hours before I go to bed and start the entire cycle over again.
I'm frustrated. I have no sort of life, my entire life is work-based, and I'm so exhausted at the end of the day that I can barely hold my head up. I WANT to exercise and go bike-riding or lift weights, I want to cook healthy meals, but how the fuck can I carve out any time when I either work or travel to and from work over 15 hours a day? :(
I need some kind of a plan. I just don't know how to even get started, and I'm scared to ask for help because I don't want people to think that I'm just too fucking scatterbrained to even control what goes on in my own life, you know?
Meh. This is a personal problem that obviously needs to be worked on. I desperately need to see my therapist soon - I do not feel grounded at all right now.
One positive thing today - I did join a meetup group for social anxiety. Seems kind of ironic that I'd join a social group for ... well, people with social problems, haha. But this could be what I need as far as breaking out of this loneliness and meeting new people. We'll see.
I just wish I could do better than this as far as getting healthy. I'm so sad today. :(
Sigh.
I just have no time for anything anymore. I get up, I'm out the door in half an hour, I travel to work, I work my ass off, I get back on the train and come home, I finally sit down and eat something, but then I have to pay bills or do laundry or other household chores, plus take care of my cat (not that she requires much, but you know what I mean)... and I have to squeeze all of that into 2 hours before I go to bed and start the entire cycle over again.
I'm frustrated. I have no sort of life, my entire life is work-based, and I'm so exhausted at the end of the day that I can barely hold my head up. I WANT to exercise and go bike-riding or lift weights, I want to cook healthy meals, but how the fuck can I carve out any time when I either work or travel to and from work over 15 hours a day? :(
I need some kind of a plan. I just don't know how to even get started, and I'm scared to ask for help because I don't want people to think that I'm just too fucking scatterbrained to even control what goes on in my own life, you know?
Meh. This is a personal problem that obviously needs to be worked on. I desperately need to see my therapist soon - I do not feel grounded at all right now.
One positive thing today - I did join a meetup group for social anxiety. Seems kind of ironic that I'd join a social group for ... well, people with social problems, haha. But this could be what I need as far as breaking out of this loneliness and meeting new people. We'll see.
I just wish I could do better than this as far as getting healthy. I'm so sad today. :(
Sigh.
31 December 2010
A pragmatic ending and a hopeful beginning.
So, here we are again; it's the annual "end of the year" post where I refuse to recap the past 12 months and insist that you go look it all up in the previous entries. :p
I think that I'm going to take a different stance on things this year, though, in that for once, I have a lot of things to talk about. I've been very loquacious these past two weeks - more so than I have been in the last two years. I'm talking, sharing, relating with people. It's a strange, heady feeling, but it's also not feeling false or forced. It used to be that I'd make an attempt at being sociable, and afterwards I would feel horrible, as if I'd talked too much or sounded tinny and false; which in retrospect, probably wasn't far off the mark. But I'm actually feeling pretty well today. Today is one of my "good days", I guess you could say.
So I'll just do a quick recap of the past year, through my eyes, which have been blinded for a good portion of the time... but the cobwebs are truly beginning to clear.
The best part of the year for me was easily buying this house back in April. This was the best move I have ever made for myself, bar none. I don't think that anything can compare to the knowledge that I have that this house is mine, that I will never be forced to move on because of circumstance or because I wasn't wanted somewhere. I still have a long way to go as far as getting the things that I need... but for the first time in... what may be forever.... I now feel that I have a real home.
Other highlights of the year include my finding my therapist, who has helped me more than I can ever say. I have come forward in great strides since August, when I began seeing him on a regular basis, and have knocked down some impenetrable walls since - all without drugs or being locked up. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for this, believe me, but I'm taking the tools that I'm slowly learning and using them for my good, and in the end for others' good as well.
I've learned that in order to love other people, I need to love myself first and foremost. I've learned that maybe being ethical isn't a bad thing. I've learned that perhaps honesty is the way to go, and I've learned that other peoples' shortcomings aren't necessarily my own. Last night, I had a long, good talk with a friend who has been through hell and back with me and this illness... I mean, I have seriously put him through the wringer with this shit. I told him that I've learned that I am the sum of my experiences - one bad experience does not make my whole life, nor does it make me as a complete person. I've learned that while there are bad things in one's life, and even whole blocks of bad times, there's also some good times and experiences in almost everything one does.
And I've learned that my family's mistakes aren't mine. I've learned that even though I've been abused, I can rise above it - that indeed, it is my duty to rise above it and make something out of myself. And I think I've begun that process. There's always more I can do, and more work to be done. But 2011 will be a part of that work, and if there's anything I've learned from this depression, it's that self-improvement can never harm, and always helps.
Pretty heavy stuff, huh? :)
Now... the worst part of the year, well. I'll be straight with you on this - in some ways, the worst part of the year actually turned me around and began the real job of healing. If you go back to late September, where I'd said that something horrible had happened to me and that I couldn't discuss it.... that is the worst part of the year for me. I will reveal that incident now - basically, I'd had a date with someone I'd met online, and it ended up that I was more or less raped. It wasn't a violent incident, but.... the details really don't matter, because when someone says no, no matter what part of the buildup you're in - if they don't stop, it's rape. And that's what it turned out to be.
I'll be frank with you. I considered suicide. I wanted to die. I was very, very close to taking a butcher knife out of the kitchen and driving it into my chest. I was violated, humiliated, thought that death was the only escape from all of the misery and depression symptoms. I couldn't cope. And I didn't tell anyone about it, because.... what could I really say? It was that old self-validation kicking in, the sense that I needed this asshole's approval to feel good about myself. Isn't that terrible?
But, you see... after that weekend, where I lay on my sofa, dry-eyed and burning with hate... that's when it all started to turn around for me. I had that choice in my hands... life or death. That knife in my hands would determine the course of my fate. And quite honestly, that was one heavy, heavy choice. To know that I had the power to end it all.... or to fight the disgust, anger, depression, the effects of the abuse that I've endured throughout my life. Was I really worth nothing more than peoples' scorn and abuse? Or was it up to me to make myself worth more?
Ever since that day, I have had a steel determination to never, never, ever let someone abuse me again - in any way, shape or form. The minute that boundaries are crossed, I cut them loose, and I don't allow anyone to take more than I'm willing to give them. I no longer accept being treated like a second-class citizen, from anybody or anything. If people don't like me, that's just too bad - they have a choice to not be around me, just like I have a choice not to be treated like garbage.
I'm not second-best. I'm not someone's option, I am a goddamn PRIORITY, and I will be treated like one!
So... that was the worst part of it for me. The cruise in September just before that wasn't nearly as awful, but it wasn't a huge success, either. I just don't think that cruising is the type of vacation I enjoy, and I probably won't go again. Otherwise, it's been kind of a quiet year, and one filled with self-discoveries and learning, some good and some bad.
Now, for the predictions of 2011. I don't do resolutions, you see, as calling them 'resolutions' is a sure way of making them not happen, heh.
Career: I think it's going to continue to be full of changes and improvements. If I receive another promotion next year, I'll be elevated to a GS-6, which isn't much more in the pay scale, but it's a huge step as far as levels are concerned. I am more or less satisfied with the job for the present time, though I need to start thinking about ramping up the skill set and maybe updating a few of my abilities.
Health, Mental: I seriously feel that I'm going to continue to improve on this front. I have never felt better than in the last 2 weeks. Yes, I continue to have some spells, but they're much shorter in duration and come during fragile times of the year such as the holidays or my birthday. Therapy continues. We shall see.
Health, Physical: I haven't been able to concentrate on this front in 2010, and I have unfortunately begun to see some deterioration in my body because of it. I still do not have the inherited family difficulties yet (varicose veins, respiratory issues, circulation problems), but they're slowly coming. I have had some disturbing physical symptoms appear due to my weight, which I am making a huge priority to do something about this year. I am considering doing a separate blog for this issue alone (which I shall surely share when the time is right). This isn't a resolution, okay; this is an issue that I am taking VERY seriously. I will be much healthier physically by this time next year, or there will be a damned good reason why, which in that case, I will seriously put the option of bariatric surgery on the table. I'm done with looking and feeling like a pile of crap. If I can work to heal my mind and be rid of this depression - I can lose this fucking weight.
I ask for everyone's support for this, because if I do have surgery, it will be a lifetime change that I will have to deal with, and it's very frightening.
Social Life/Relationships: No progress on this front in 2010. The last two weeks of this year have been a little abnormal, but it's because I'm feeling pretty well. Otherwise, there has been little to no change. I am not concerned about it, as I have repeatedly stated that I'm not ready for it. For 2011, I predict that there still won't be a lot of changes, though I think it'll get slightly easier. Time will tell.
Financial: I end 2010 in excellent financial shape. I'm hoping to have a lot more in savings and investments in 2011, though I'll always have a little bit of a shopping bug, probably more so than usual now because of the house. I'm not going to hesitate in treating myself to things, though, should I want something.
....and that's it. That's really all that I wanted to say tonight. Basically, I'm not unhappy to see 2010 depart, but at the same time, I feel that it was a year of transition for me, from desperately ill to recovering. Hopefully by this time in 2011, I can finally report that I'm doing much better. :)
This is the song that, for me, sums up how I feel 2011 will be. I hope that it is!
Happy New Year to all. May it be everything that you want it to be.
I think that I'm going to take a different stance on things this year, though, in that for once, I have a lot of things to talk about. I've been very loquacious these past two weeks - more so than I have been in the last two years. I'm talking, sharing, relating with people. It's a strange, heady feeling, but it's also not feeling false or forced. It used to be that I'd make an attempt at being sociable, and afterwards I would feel horrible, as if I'd talked too much or sounded tinny and false; which in retrospect, probably wasn't far off the mark. But I'm actually feeling pretty well today. Today is one of my "good days", I guess you could say.
So I'll just do a quick recap of the past year, through my eyes, which have been blinded for a good portion of the time... but the cobwebs are truly beginning to clear.
The best part of the year for me was easily buying this house back in April. This was the best move I have ever made for myself, bar none. I don't think that anything can compare to the knowledge that I have that this house is mine, that I will never be forced to move on because of circumstance or because I wasn't wanted somewhere. I still have a long way to go as far as getting the things that I need... but for the first time in... what may be forever.... I now feel that I have a real home.
Other highlights of the year include my finding my therapist, who has helped me more than I can ever say. I have come forward in great strides since August, when I began seeing him on a regular basis, and have knocked down some impenetrable walls since - all without drugs or being locked up. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for this, believe me, but I'm taking the tools that I'm slowly learning and using them for my good, and in the end for others' good as well.
I've learned that in order to love other people, I need to love myself first and foremost. I've learned that maybe being ethical isn't a bad thing. I've learned that perhaps honesty is the way to go, and I've learned that other peoples' shortcomings aren't necessarily my own. Last night, I had a long, good talk with a friend who has been through hell and back with me and this illness... I mean, I have seriously put him through the wringer with this shit. I told him that I've learned that I am the sum of my experiences - one bad experience does not make my whole life, nor does it make me as a complete person. I've learned that while there are bad things in one's life, and even whole blocks of bad times, there's also some good times and experiences in almost everything one does.
And I've learned that my family's mistakes aren't mine. I've learned that even though I've been abused, I can rise above it - that indeed, it is my duty to rise above it and make something out of myself. And I think I've begun that process. There's always more I can do, and more work to be done. But 2011 will be a part of that work, and if there's anything I've learned from this depression, it's that self-improvement can never harm, and always helps.
Pretty heavy stuff, huh? :)
Now... the worst part of the year, well. I'll be straight with you on this - in some ways, the worst part of the year actually turned me around and began the real job of healing. If you go back to late September, where I'd said that something horrible had happened to me and that I couldn't discuss it.... that is the worst part of the year for me. I will reveal that incident now - basically, I'd had a date with someone I'd met online, and it ended up that I was more or less raped. It wasn't a violent incident, but.... the details really don't matter, because when someone says no, no matter what part of the buildup you're in - if they don't stop, it's rape. And that's what it turned out to be.
I'll be frank with you. I considered suicide. I wanted to die. I was very, very close to taking a butcher knife out of the kitchen and driving it into my chest. I was violated, humiliated, thought that death was the only escape from all of the misery and depression symptoms. I couldn't cope. And I didn't tell anyone about it, because.... what could I really say? It was that old self-validation kicking in, the sense that I needed this asshole's approval to feel good about myself. Isn't that terrible?
But, you see... after that weekend, where I lay on my sofa, dry-eyed and burning with hate... that's when it all started to turn around for me. I had that choice in my hands... life or death. That knife in my hands would determine the course of my fate. And quite honestly, that was one heavy, heavy choice. To know that I had the power to end it all.... or to fight the disgust, anger, depression, the effects of the abuse that I've endured throughout my life. Was I really worth nothing more than peoples' scorn and abuse? Or was it up to me to make myself worth more?
Ever since that day, I have had a steel determination to never, never, ever let someone abuse me again - in any way, shape or form. The minute that boundaries are crossed, I cut them loose, and I don't allow anyone to take more than I'm willing to give them. I no longer accept being treated like a second-class citizen, from anybody or anything. If people don't like me, that's just too bad - they have a choice to not be around me, just like I have a choice not to be treated like garbage.
I'm not second-best. I'm not someone's option, I am a goddamn PRIORITY, and I will be treated like one!
So... that was the worst part of it for me. The cruise in September just before that wasn't nearly as awful, but it wasn't a huge success, either. I just don't think that cruising is the type of vacation I enjoy, and I probably won't go again. Otherwise, it's been kind of a quiet year, and one filled with self-discoveries and learning, some good and some bad.
Now, for the predictions of 2011. I don't do resolutions, you see, as calling them 'resolutions' is a sure way of making them not happen, heh.
Career: I think it's going to continue to be full of changes and improvements. If I receive another promotion next year, I'll be elevated to a GS-6, which isn't much more in the pay scale, but it's a huge step as far as levels are concerned. I am more or less satisfied with the job for the present time, though I need to start thinking about ramping up the skill set and maybe updating a few of my abilities.
Health, Mental: I seriously feel that I'm going to continue to improve on this front. I have never felt better than in the last 2 weeks. Yes, I continue to have some spells, but they're much shorter in duration and come during fragile times of the year such as the holidays or my birthday. Therapy continues. We shall see.
Health, Physical: I haven't been able to concentrate on this front in 2010, and I have unfortunately begun to see some deterioration in my body because of it. I still do not have the inherited family difficulties yet (varicose veins, respiratory issues, circulation problems), but they're slowly coming. I have had some disturbing physical symptoms appear due to my weight, which I am making a huge priority to do something about this year. I am considering doing a separate blog for this issue alone (which I shall surely share when the time is right). This isn't a resolution, okay; this is an issue that I am taking VERY seriously. I will be much healthier physically by this time next year, or there will be a damned good reason why, which in that case, I will seriously put the option of bariatric surgery on the table. I'm done with looking and feeling like a pile of crap. If I can work to heal my mind and be rid of this depression - I can lose this fucking weight.
I ask for everyone's support for this, because if I do have surgery, it will be a lifetime change that I will have to deal with, and it's very frightening.
Social Life/Relationships: No progress on this front in 2010. The last two weeks of this year have been a little abnormal, but it's because I'm feeling pretty well. Otherwise, there has been little to no change. I am not concerned about it, as I have repeatedly stated that I'm not ready for it. For 2011, I predict that there still won't be a lot of changes, though I think it'll get slightly easier. Time will tell.
Financial: I end 2010 in excellent financial shape. I'm hoping to have a lot more in savings and investments in 2011, though I'll always have a little bit of a shopping bug, probably more so than usual now because of the house. I'm not going to hesitate in treating myself to things, though, should I want something.
....and that's it. That's really all that I wanted to say tonight. Basically, I'm not unhappy to see 2010 depart, but at the same time, I feel that it was a year of transition for me, from desperately ill to recovering. Hopefully by this time in 2011, I can finally report that I'm doing much better. :)
This is the song that, for me, sums up how I feel 2011 will be. I hope that it is!
Happy New Year to all. May it be everything that you want it to be.
12 December 2010
Starting to wind down.
The end of the year is fast approaching, and I've actually been ruminating over my annual "how did I do this year" post a bit early. Oh, I'm not going to do it right now, obviously. But I find it striking that I'm actually thinking about it this soon. I suspect that I'm very eager to "shut the books", if you will, and get on with this business of living for myself in '11. Some might say that this is a positive thing, my looking ahead, and I tend to concur that it is. I'm definitely in a much better place than I have been in some time.
My tenure with urine is about to come to an end, starting on January 3rd. All of the female testers will move to another unit - however, I shall not be going with them, at least that's what I'm hearing. The plan is that I shall stay at my current unit and do strictly computer work. To be honest, I'm not at all sorry about it. I've dealt with enough piss to fill a small lake over the years, and there are times where the women are so much more worse than the men, both in attitude and in personal hygiene. It's not all going to be peaches and cream, though: I still have to deal with the males while on the computer, and they tend to be nasty as well, but I won't have to deal with their body fluids - I can't ask for more than that. I'm hoping and praying that these next two weeks will go speedily.
The semester, for me, is over. I have exams this upcoming Wednesday. As usual, I'm not really feeling anxiety over them, though to be honest I haven't studied. I'm really weird about classes - I'll agonize over the actual work, but when it comes to taking tests, I don't feel much nervousness. I guess that's because I figure that I'll either know the material by then, or I won't. Not much to beat myself up over, I suppose. Anyhow, I'm profoundly relieved, because this past semester was difficult in a lot of respects. I have about six months off now, though, or at least until May, so I could definitely use the rest. I plan on getting this house together now that I've received my tax credit, spend a little time getting my life back together again.
I've decided not to go to New York for the new year, at least not this time - the reason being that I made my decision a little too late. I really need time to plan this out, not just go on the spur of the moment - especially with the terrorism threat level being so high right now. There's going to be more security up there than Fort Knox, and I'm not prepared to deal with it. I was thinking about going up on the night train, but from what I hear, Times Square is full by 4pm, and I'm not prepared to stand out in the freezing cold for 8 hours without getting things together. So I'm going to skip it this time, maybe I'll go next year. Or maybe for Thanksgiving, as I've always wanted to see the Macy's parade in person. I'll have to actually remember to mark it down, though, as I tend to forget until the holidays roll around again. Then I sit on my sofa that morning and say to myself, "Y'know, I think I'll do this... if I can remember." Hah. My mind's like a sieve, bleh.
I do plan on traveling a little more next year, even if it is just on the spur of the moment. Hop a train to New York and go shopping for the day, etc. I really need to start doing these things!
I've lost 4.2 pounds. I know, not a huge deal, but it is for me. I'm actively trying to lose weight now - that's yet another of my goals for '11. I'm not going to call these things "resolutions", because the minute I do that, I know it'll go by the wayside, and this is just too important to me, enough so that I'm honestly trying to do something about it instead of talking about it. Maybe I'll report on this week by week - that way I'll have some kind of a record and some kind of accountability to myself. Though I'm not going to put my starting weight. Oh, hell, no. Maybe if I ever get to where I want to be, I'll share that with you all so that your mouths will drop and you'll go "ZOMG we're so proud of you". Wouldn't that be something? :p
I'm a talkative soul this morning, but I have to run. I'm heading to Lowe's today to pick up some necessities for the house, like a ladder, a snow shovel, shit I'm going to need this winter. Just realized that if there's a blizzard this year, I have to clean off the entire corner. Sucks to be me. Meh.
Well, not really. :D
Peace, out.
My tenure with urine is about to come to an end, starting on January 3rd. All of the female testers will move to another unit - however, I shall not be going with them, at least that's what I'm hearing. The plan is that I shall stay at my current unit and do strictly computer work. To be honest, I'm not at all sorry about it. I've dealt with enough piss to fill a small lake over the years, and there are times where the women are so much more worse than the men, both in attitude and in personal hygiene. It's not all going to be peaches and cream, though: I still have to deal with the males while on the computer, and they tend to be nasty as well, but I won't have to deal with their body fluids - I can't ask for more than that. I'm hoping and praying that these next two weeks will go speedily.
The semester, for me, is over. I have exams this upcoming Wednesday. As usual, I'm not really feeling anxiety over them, though to be honest I haven't studied. I'm really weird about classes - I'll agonize over the actual work, but when it comes to taking tests, I don't feel much nervousness. I guess that's because I figure that I'll either know the material by then, or I won't. Not much to beat myself up over, I suppose. Anyhow, I'm profoundly relieved, because this past semester was difficult in a lot of respects. I have about six months off now, though, or at least until May, so I could definitely use the rest. I plan on getting this house together now that I've received my tax credit, spend a little time getting my life back together again.
I've decided not to go to New York for the new year, at least not this time - the reason being that I made my decision a little too late. I really need time to plan this out, not just go on the spur of the moment - especially with the terrorism threat level being so high right now. There's going to be more security up there than Fort Knox, and I'm not prepared to deal with it. I was thinking about going up on the night train, but from what I hear, Times Square is full by 4pm, and I'm not prepared to stand out in the freezing cold for 8 hours without getting things together. So I'm going to skip it this time, maybe I'll go next year. Or maybe for Thanksgiving, as I've always wanted to see the Macy's parade in person. I'll have to actually remember to mark it down, though, as I tend to forget until the holidays roll around again. Then I sit on my sofa that morning and say to myself, "Y'know, I think I'll do this... if I can remember." Hah. My mind's like a sieve, bleh.
I do plan on traveling a little more next year, even if it is just on the spur of the moment. Hop a train to New York and go shopping for the day, etc. I really need to start doing these things!
I've lost 4.2 pounds. I know, not a huge deal, but it is for me. I'm actively trying to lose weight now - that's yet another of my goals for '11. I'm not going to call these things "resolutions", because the minute I do that, I know it'll go by the wayside, and this is just too important to me, enough so that I'm honestly trying to do something about it instead of talking about it. Maybe I'll report on this week by week - that way I'll have some kind of a record and some kind of accountability to myself. Though I'm not going to put my starting weight. Oh, hell, no. Maybe if I ever get to where I want to be, I'll share that with you all so that your mouths will drop and you'll go "ZOMG we're so proud of you". Wouldn't that be something? :p
I'm a talkative soul this morning, but I have to run. I'm heading to Lowe's today to pick up some necessities for the house, like a ladder, a snow shovel, shit I'm going to need this winter. Just realized that if there's a blizzard this year, I have to clean off the entire corner. Sucks to be me. Meh.
Well, not really. :D
Peace, out.
30 November 2010
Starting to feel the exhaustion.
It's strange, but I find that when the depression was much worse than it is now, I actually had a better grip on things as far as school and work and juggling schedules were concerned. Now that I'm not feeling as badly anymore, it's all starting to crash down onto my shoulders. I have been so freaking tired lately, and I can't figure out why. My grades are definitely starting to slip - I received a C on my last biology paper, which for me is not usual. But what I've noticed is that I'm actually beginning not to stress over a low grade - Jesus, who cares when I can barely hold my head up at the end of a workday?
Lots of bad news coming from that quarter, by the way. No, my job is fine - trust me, as long as there's drugs in the nation's capital I will always have a job, heh - but I'm losing a couple of key benefits at the end of the year, mainly the cost of living increase (it's been frozen for the next two years - I'm sure you've heard about it by now, and if you haven't, go here) and the reduction of my transit benefit. The pay freeze doesn't really bother me, to be honest - I'm willing as a federal worker to do my part and it's not like I'm missing it, anyway. But I am upset about my transit benefit, because the cost of my ticket is going to double - and that's an expense I can ill afford right now. Unfortunately, there's really nothing I can do but roll with it and try to make things work. Methinks it may be time to sell off a few things again.
And people think the Federal government pays so well. Hah! If only they knew!
Tuesday again. Coming off of a double shift from last night. How the fuck do I manage to keep going? Seriously, just...how? I am exhausted, in more ways than one. I'm counting down the days to December 15th when I can get my stupid exams out of the way and then take OFF from school altogether until June. I can't wait for that. Maybe by then I'll have the tax credit done (so they keep telling me, anyway), pay off these damned bills that are still on my back, finally get this house together after nearly a year of living in stark emptiness. Wouldn't that be nice, right?
Meh. I just want this day over with. I'll deal with the rest later.
Cheers.
Lots of bad news coming from that quarter, by the way. No, my job is fine - trust me, as long as there's drugs in the nation's capital I will always have a job, heh - but I'm losing a couple of key benefits at the end of the year, mainly the cost of living increase (it's been frozen for the next two years - I'm sure you've heard about it by now, and if you haven't, go here) and the reduction of my transit benefit. The pay freeze doesn't really bother me, to be honest - I'm willing as a federal worker to do my part and it's not like I'm missing it, anyway. But I am upset about my transit benefit, because the cost of my ticket is going to double - and that's an expense I can ill afford right now. Unfortunately, there's really nothing I can do but roll with it and try to make things work. Methinks it may be time to sell off a few things again.
And people think the Federal government pays so well. Hah! If only they knew!
Tuesday again. Coming off of a double shift from last night. How the fuck do I manage to keep going? Seriously, just...how? I am exhausted, in more ways than one. I'm counting down the days to December 15th when I can get my stupid exams out of the way and then take OFF from school altogether until June. I can't wait for that. Maybe by then I'll have the tax credit done (so they keep telling me, anyway), pay off these damned bills that are still on my back, finally get this house together after nearly a year of living in stark emptiness. Wouldn't that be nice, right?
Meh. I just want this day over with. I'll deal with the rest later.
Cheers.
25 August 2010
So. Life rolls on.
It might seem like a really bad thing to say, but as of late, my life has been more or less quiet and calm, with little to no flareups of the depression or anything close to it. Of course, that's not a bad thing for ME - I'm enjoying this stretch of peace immensely. However, I find that the peace has come at a cost. I pretty much no longer have any kind of social life or connections or obligations. I find myself in the same position that I was in thirteen years ago - alone, isolated, hiding from the world in my little living space. The only difference is that it's a house now, not an apartment.
And yet I'm not unhappy about it. I feel that I need to just stay away from people right now, do my best to heal from all of the stress and abuse and bullshit that I've seen and heard and experienced, and live for myself - something that I don't think I've ever learned how to do. I feel an odd thrill every time I pay my mortgage, or find myself planning a shopping trip - little things that the "normal" take for granted every day, but for me have been a constant struggle. Yes, sometimes I get very lonely - I won't lie. But if that's the price that I have to pay for some sense of order and normalcy, then so be it.
I'm completely turned off of any type of intimacy right now, anyway - physical, emotional, mental. I'm not ready for it, and may honestly never be ready for it. That's okay, right now. I find that it's okay to just not want to deal with humanity on any but the most superficial level at the moment. I need to heal, and to learn to live with myself, in whatever form that might take. That's why the therapy.
The first appointment is on Monday afternoon at 4pm. Would it be strange to say that I'm half looking forward to it, and half dreading it? I'm looking forward to it because I know it's the beginning of what may turn out to be the longest, hardest journey of my life - but I'm dreading it because I know, I know, I KNOW it's going to be full of incredible, paralyzing pain. You see, I've been in therapy, but I've never really told anyone a lot of the things that I've been through - I've never been able to stay with a therapist long enough to delve past the basics. Hopefully, this time will be different. As a matter of fact, my doctor called me personally a few minutes ago to confirm the appointment and said that he was looking forward to meeting me on Monday. None of my previous doctors ever did such a thing - so I consider it a good omen. I'm hoping that this will help me start to heal from all of the crap I've been through in my life, whether it was self-caused or not.
I am so ready to start to live and not just exist.
Work is somewhat a mixed bag - while some good things have happened in the last few days, other things have become irritants that I'm not going to be able to ignore much longer. As usual, it has to do with coworkers being idiots, only I think I've begun to find my voice as far as protesting such behavior is concerned. Where I might have once let my complaints fester unspoken and shred me up inside with stress, instead I've been speaking out and making my opinion known. Somehow I'm just not afraid anymore to say something, perhaps?
One of the possible "good" things is that I may be considered for the "customer service of the year" award - this will be my second year in a row that I've been chosen for it, should I win. Honestly, though? I don't want it. I've been made fun of in sneaky, snide little ways ever since I won it last year, and I don't want the burden of it again. I keep telling myself that everyone who makes snarky little comments is jealous of my achievements - and I know that, deep down. But I've had to deal with jealousy all of my life every time I've managed to do something well or achieve good things. It's funny, but one of my ex-boyfriends (specifically Matt) once said, "You always seem(ed) so afraid to show how smart you really are/were."
Well, no wonder. Wouldn't you be afraid if you knew that people were going to attack you with nasty, back-handed comments when you managed to achieve something positive or "win" a contest of some kind?
Meh. I had so much to say, but as usual it's all gone after a long, exhausting day at work. This week has been absolutely brutal, especially Tuesday. I've found that I need to take a Tylenol PM every now and then in order to sleep without pain. It's just another sign that I'm starting to get old and I'm not going to be in great health in a few years if I keep going the way I am. At one time, I could have cared less, but now... well, I don't know if I still don't care or not, but I want a shot at trying to improve things. At least, today I do, anyway.
Blugh. You all know what I mean. I'm too tired to try and correct myself tonight, heh.
Meh. I had so much to say, but as usual it's all gone after a long, exhausting day at work. This week has been absolutely brutal, especially Tuesday. I've found that I need to take a Tylenol PM every now and then in order to sleep without pain. It's just another sign that I'm starting to get old and I'm not going to be in great health in a few years if I keep going the way I am. At one time, I could have cared less, but now... well, I don't know if I still don't care or not, but I want a shot at trying to improve things. At least, today I do, anyway.
Blugh. You all know what I mean. I'm too tired to try and correct myself tonight, heh.
21 July 2010
At last, a bit of respite. But only a bit.
The pressure has been lifted a little now that I've turned in my crim exam - and let me tell you what, I think that's probably the hardest I've ever worked on an assignment since I went back to school last year. It had better get a passing grade, by Christ, or you will see one upset little bitch over here.
Powerpoint is a great program, but it takes forever to build ONE presentation. Who knew that it would cost me six days' worth of time? Sheeeee-zus.
Anyway, while other things are still bubbling away in the misery pot, things have eased up enough so that I can breathe some. I slept like the dead last night, the first time in ages. I guess that's because I was finally able to relax just enough so that I didn't toss and turn on the sofa all night long. How I miss sleeping on a real bed! I know, patience... patience... meh.
They recruited someone from one of the other units to stand in as the lead technician at work. The poor bastard. I give him three months, although he might be up for it, he's a little tougher emotionally than the last two we've had. Time will tell. He'll work with me on my transportation issues, because he also catches the same commuter trains that I do - this is a plus.
In a general conversation with Eye Candy, I found out that he's blissfully occupied with his girlfriend - in fact, moved here to be with her. So much for that, heh, but in a way it's a very good thing, as now I have no reason to be interested in him as anything more than a coworker. The second he said "girlfriend", I was like, "orly?" and all prurient thoughts that I might once have had shut down - instantly. Again, I'm thinking that it's likely for the best.
I'm not emotionally ready to get involved with anyone, anyhow. I'm learning how to.. well, be single, I suppose. Probably what I need.
Bleh. My quiet time is over, as someone just walked in the door. I don't mind working the early shift sometimes, as I get here earlier than everyone else and it's a rare change that this place is ever silent. The lights are off but for one, and it happens to be right over my desk, so I enjoy being alone here sometimes with just my thoughts, the darkness and the silence to keep me company. Unfortunately, when someone comes in, it's all dispensed with.
I wish that people would sometimes appreciate the beauty of silence and darkness. It's not as negative as one might think.
That's enough rambling for now, I suppose.
Powerpoint is a great program, but it takes forever to build ONE presentation. Who knew that it would cost me six days' worth of time? Sheeeee-zus.
Anyway, while other things are still bubbling away in the misery pot, things have eased up enough so that I can breathe some. I slept like the dead last night, the first time in ages. I guess that's because I was finally able to relax just enough so that I didn't toss and turn on the sofa all night long. How I miss sleeping on a real bed! I know, patience... patience... meh.
They recruited someone from one of the other units to stand in as the lead technician at work. The poor bastard. I give him three months, although he might be up for it, he's a little tougher emotionally than the last two we've had. Time will tell. He'll work with me on my transportation issues, because he also catches the same commuter trains that I do - this is a plus.
In a general conversation with Eye Candy, I found out that he's blissfully occupied with his girlfriend - in fact, moved here to be with her. So much for that, heh, but in a way it's a very good thing, as now I have no reason to be interested in him as anything more than a coworker. The second he said "girlfriend", I was like, "orly?" and all prurient thoughts that I might once have had shut down - instantly. Again, I'm thinking that it's likely for the best.
I'm not emotionally ready to get involved with anyone, anyhow. I'm learning how to.. well, be single, I suppose. Probably what I need.
Bleh. My quiet time is over, as someone just walked in the door. I don't mind working the early shift sometimes, as I get here earlier than everyone else and it's a rare change that this place is ever silent. The lights are off but for one, and it happens to be right over my desk, so I enjoy being alone here sometimes with just my thoughts, the darkness and the silence to keep me company. Unfortunately, when someone comes in, it's all dispensed with.
I wish that people would sometimes appreciate the beauty of silence and darkness. It's not as negative as one might think.
That's enough rambling for now, I suppose.
01 June 2010
Out of work sick - AGAIN!
Y'know... this is just getting fucking old, here. This is the second time in 2 months that I've had to take an extended time period off of work because one of these unhygienic, inconsiderate motherfuckers I "service" gave me their cold germs or their diseases or whatever. I'm sick of this - quite literally. If my supervisors would just let me wear a face mask like I wanted to, I wouldn't be constantly in and out of work like this. But, hey - it's on them. If they'd just follow my gentle suggestions, I'd not be home lying on my couch hacking away. Their loss, I guess. But it's costing me not only time from work, but money as well. I had to spend almost a hundred dollars today to get home (because the commuter train doesn't run during off-peak hours), the doctor visit, the medicines, etc. It's annoying. Really, really, really annoying.
The upside of it is that the two new female trainees we've got down there allowed me to go the hell home and take care of this shit.
So I'm stuck now on my sofa until Friday. Bully for me.
It's just as well, really, as I've been achy, tired and with a lot of shit floating around in this empty space I call my mind. I've been doing my best to reach out and make more social connections lately, with some limited success. Time will tell, but I have a feeling that things are about to change on that front.
No more, lest I jinx myself. All will be revealed in time.
Bleh, what can I do on this sofa for the next two days. (irritated muttering)
The upside of it is that the two new female trainees we've got down there allowed me to go the hell home and take care of this shit.
So I'm stuck now on my sofa until Friday. Bully for me.
It's just as well, really, as I've been achy, tired and with a lot of shit floating around in this empty space I call my mind. I've been doing my best to reach out and make more social connections lately, with some limited success. Time will tell, but I have a feeling that things are about to change on that front.
No more, lest I jinx myself. All will be revealed in time.
Bleh, what can I do on this sofa for the next two days. (irritated muttering)
11 May 2010
Settling in.
I've moved fully into the house, though I'm not at all unpacked, never mind being close to organized. I'm living out of boxes at the present, which shouldn't really bother me - I'm used to that. Still, I've asked for next Monday off, in the hopes that I can get some things done. I'm finding that I'm really tired of tripping over my bicycle because it's halfway in the kitchen.
Otherwise, life is as normal. I got my promotion and raise, starting this upcoming check, and don't think that's not a relief. It came just in time, seeing that my living expenses seem to be going up like a rocket. I'm told that will settle down over time - I hope so. Despite the fact that I've qualified and sent off for the 8k tax credit for the house, it's still not going to go too far - I need to set up an emergency fund, which is going to take almost half of it. (And so it should - I never know when something's going to go up, heh.)
Still thinking about the housewarming party, though it doesn't look as if a lot of people want to come - big surprise there. We'll see, but I'm not going to spend a fuckload of money if people aren't willing to be there. I can't eat a bushel of crabs by myself, as tempting as that might sound. I'm not really so much upset over the fact that a lot of people can't come, or don't want to come - I'm rather antisocial, so I expected as much. I guess that it just highlights how antisocial I've been and continue to be. It's another thing that the depression has taken from me, another thing amongst countless things.
Besides, with the recent oil spill in Louisiana and all, it might be that I won't be able to afford to hold this shindig, after all. Crabs are already at 250 a bushel and they're predicting one expensive-assed summer. So... time will tell, I suppose.
I'm tired today. Tuesday, y'know. The addicts seemed to be a lot busier than usual over the weekend, must've been a fresh supply of cocaine in the District or something, who knows.
Anyhow, that's the update for now. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to show when I finally get some time to take care of this stuff.
Otherwise, life is as normal. I got my promotion and raise, starting this upcoming check, and don't think that's not a relief. It came just in time, seeing that my living expenses seem to be going up like a rocket. I'm told that will settle down over time - I hope so. Despite the fact that I've qualified and sent off for the 8k tax credit for the house, it's still not going to go too far - I need to set up an emergency fund, which is going to take almost half of it. (And so it should - I never know when something's going to go up, heh.)
Still thinking about the housewarming party, though it doesn't look as if a lot of people want to come - big surprise there. We'll see, but I'm not going to spend a fuckload of money if people aren't willing to be there. I can't eat a bushel of crabs by myself, as tempting as that might sound. I'm not really so much upset over the fact that a lot of people can't come, or don't want to come - I'm rather antisocial, so I expected as much. I guess that it just highlights how antisocial I've been and continue to be. It's another thing that the depression has taken from me, another thing amongst countless things.
Besides, with the recent oil spill in Louisiana and all, it might be that I won't be able to afford to hold this shindig, after all. Crabs are already at 250 a bushel and they're predicting one expensive-assed summer. So... time will tell, I suppose.
I'm tired today. Tuesday, y'know. The addicts seemed to be a lot busier than usual over the weekend, must've been a fresh supply of cocaine in the District or something, who knows.
Anyhow, that's the update for now. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to show when I finally get some time to take care of this stuff.
25 April 2010
And so, here's the beginning.
Today, I've made a very real stab at packing, sorting and cleaning my stuff for moving - again. As I'm working, I feel a very real sense of sadness that, once again, it's come to this and I have to pull up what little roots I've established. I try to comfort myself with the fact that this is what could amount to being the very last time I ever have to do this, but it doesn't blunt the sadness that I feel. It's compounded by some very real issues that I'm facing in that I feel like I'm losing the last bits of support that I had for the last few years, which have been very difficult, as you know if you've been reading here with any sort of regularity. I'm not too sure that I'm strong enough to deal with it, emotionally or mentally, but as usual, the choice has been taken away from me - I have no choice but to deal with it, as I've had to deal with everything else that has been painful to me over the years.
I was telling someone recently that it'll be very, very hard not to just isolate myself from everything and everyone once I'm settled - because I know myself well, it might be what will happen. It's yet another cycle where I attempt to make effort to be social - it works for a brief time - then crash and burn, and back to hiding from life for a few years, to "lick my wounds", if you will.
People just don't understand or "get" me, nor I them. They don't understand why I'm not more excited about this house thing, they don't understand why I'm not head-over-heels happy about my grades (I got an A in my information systems course, don't know about the others as of this writing), they don't understand why I'm not more happy about my promotion at work, etc. That's just it - I am happy, okay, but I'm not manic-excited over anything. I can't seem to summon up that much feeling. And maybe that's what's wrong with me. I just feel nothing other than fatalistic, to be honest. "Oh, really. That's great, thanks." Sort of like, I'll take whatever comes, be it good news or a slap in the face, with my fully expecting the latter reaction to happen.
I was thinking the other day about all of the bridges I've burned behind me, and all of the ones that are pretty much on fire now, as I'm transitioning out of my old life and into the unknown. I don't go backward in time anymore, or I try not to. I've learned well what happens when you try to live in the past. Besides, most of my memories are bad, even if I thought at one time they were a good thing... a good example of that is the days where I was running a bulletin board. I thought for a long time that this was a good period in my life, but... when I think of it now, I just want to forget that it ever happened, for some reason. I wasn't a good person back then, nor did I accomplish anything of value. And all of the people connected with that time... they don't evoke any bad memories for me but at the same time I kind of just shy away from them, because I don't know them anymore. They're people I once hung out with, but they're not truly in my life now, nor would I think they'd understand me if they were. I'm in a different place and time... hell, maybe I'm in a different world altogether. The point is that anyone who gets close to me had maybe best be prepared for what always seems to happen... they're going to get left behind, because that's just what it's always been. And it's not of my own choice. They either leave me, or life takes them away.
Anyway. This is starting to take a depressing turn, not that I haven't half felt that way all day, so I'd best end here. If you got this far, that's great, but as usual I've had nothing productive to say, it's just a bunch of fucking whining. Now that I'm good at.
Later.
I was telling someone recently that it'll be very, very hard not to just isolate myself from everything and everyone once I'm settled - because I know myself well, it might be what will happen. It's yet another cycle where I attempt to make effort to be social - it works for a brief time - then crash and burn, and back to hiding from life for a few years, to "lick my wounds", if you will.
People just don't understand or "get" me, nor I them. They don't understand why I'm not more excited about this house thing, they don't understand why I'm not head-over-heels happy about my grades (I got an A in my information systems course, don't know about the others as of this writing), they don't understand why I'm not more happy about my promotion at work, etc. That's just it - I am happy, okay, but I'm not manic-excited over anything. I can't seem to summon up that much feeling. And maybe that's what's wrong with me. I just feel nothing other than fatalistic, to be honest. "Oh, really. That's great, thanks." Sort of like, I'll take whatever comes, be it good news or a slap in the face, with my fully expecting the latter reaction to happen.
I was thinking the other day about all of the bridges I've burned behind me, and all of the ones that are pretty much on fire now, as I'm transitioning out of my old life and into the unknown. I don't go backward in time anymore, or I try not to. I've learned well what happens when you try to live in the past. Besides, most of my memories are bad, even if I thought at one time they were a good thing... a good example of that is the days where I was running a bulletin board. I thought for a long time that this was a good period in my life, but... when I think of it now, I just want to forget that it ever happened, for some reason. I wasn't a good person back then, nor did I accomplish anything of value. And all of the people connected with that time... they don't evoke any bad memories for me but at the same time I kind of just shy away from them, because I don't know them anymore. They're people I once hung out with, but they're not truly in my life now, nor would I think they'd understand me if they were. I'm in a different place and time... hell, maybe I'm in a different world altogether. The point is that anyone who gets close to me had maybe best be prepared for what always seems to happen... they're going to get left behind, because that's just what it's always been. And it's not of my own choice. They either leave me, or life takes them away.
Anyway. This is starting to take a depressing turn, not that I haven't half felt that way all day, so I'd best end here. If you got this far, that's great, but as usual I've had nothing productive to say, it's just a bunch of fucking whining. Now that I'm good at.
Later.
16 April 2010
4am and wide awake.
I should be asleep, especially since I have an exam (the information systems) tonight, but no - I'm laying here with the light on and writing in here. I feel like I'm cracking up. Yesterday, the hell that I call my workplace attempted to tell me that I work this weekend - the same weekend that I have all of these exams and papers due. And I admit it - I lost it. I completely and totally lost it and started sobbing. Right in front of an offender. I have never felt so humiliated in my life, or so upset.
I am not proud of myself right about now.
But, I'm not ashamed either. I lost it, and I lost it because I'm burned out. I can only go so long, bear so much, be this perfect fucking saint that everyone seems to expect. I'm tired of everyone wanting something from me. After a while, you have nothing left to give, and I'm about at that point. I need to hibernate from life for a while. The end of this semester will certainly help that, but I wish I could take a break from school. Alas, my loan deferment will end if I do that, and I definitely can't afford it. So I'll have to enroll again, but maybe I'll take a couple of easy courses this time, just to recover from this stupid math shit. God, I hate math. I despise it, loathe it.
I have felt so sad this week. I don't know if it's a lingering effect from the last post, or because I'm going through some physical discomfort right now, or stress, or all three. But I'm tired of feeling sad. I just want some peace. Really, if someone were to ask me what I wanted above all, it's that - peace.
That's too much to ask, I know. But it doesn't mean I can't want it.
Godalmighty, just help me get through this day without wanting to bury a knife into myself.
I am not proud of myself right about now.
But, I'm not ashamed either. I lost it, and I lost it because I'm burned out. I can only go so long, bear so much, be this perfect fucking saint that everyone seems to expect. I'm tired of everyone wanting something from me. After a while, you have nothing left to give, and I'm about at that point. I need to hibernate from life for a while. The end of this semester will certainly help that, but I wish I could take a break from school. Alas, my loan deferment will end if I do that, and I definitely can't afford it. So I'll have to enroll again, but maybe I'll take a couple of easy courses this time, just to recover from this stupid math shit. God, I hate math. I despise it, loathe it.
I have felt so sad this week. I don't know if it's a lingering effect from the last post, or because I'm going through some physical discomfort right now, or stress, or all three. But I'm tired of feeling sad. I just want some peace. Really, if someone were to ask me what I wanted above all, it's that - peace.
That's too much to ask, I know. But it doesn't mean I can't want it.
Godalmighty, just help me get through this day without wanting to bury a knife into myself.
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