I start this with the feeling that I want to write something, but... I don't really have a clear purpose in mind. This most likely means that it's going to be a lot of rambling about nothing, so if you don't really give a rat's ass about the inner workings of my head, it's probably best to skip this one. It's okay, really - I won't be upset about it. :p
My wrist and hand are doing a lot better, though they're not "fixed" by any means. I am still having trouble with some things such as putting on a bra or clothes that have to be buttoned (though I'm doing well with tying shoelaces, oddly). Today, I was able to tie my hair back into a tail for the first time since the accident, a very good sign. I am able to type again with both hands, though on a limited basis (I can only do it for short periods before I have to "rest" again - it's the way the cast is wrapped, bluh). My next orthopedic appointment is for October 5th, and there's a good possibility that I'll be able to get the cast off completely, though I'm sure I'll still have to wear a soft brace for a while. Still, it's better than this heavy monstrosity that seems to weigh more and more each passing day. Ugh!
I once again have been thinking of my recent past... only now I just feel indifference. It no longer matters. None of it does. I have survived the pain and I have come out on the other side stronger, healthier, more determined than ever. Perhaps the ghosts have finally been vanquished... or at the very least, put to rest.
Yesterday, my therapist shortened my appointments to once a month. When I first began seeing him, it was once a week. It's further proof that the depression is now fading away, or at least has been pushed way, way back onto the closet shelf. It gives me hope that I continue to improve, little by little, day by day. I hope that the depression stays gone - forever.
Still, I bear its scars. I suspect that I always will.
My relationship with Greg continues to flourish. I still pinch myself some days, wondering how all of this came to be... but I am trying not to question my good fortune, but to simply enjoy it.
It's strange, but I now wonder what this blog will become, now that my mental health has improved, if not been restored altogether. This used to be my complaining ground, my "best friend", the one place that I knew I could scream, whine, be emo, cry, sob my stupid head off. But now? I don't really know what purpose it serves these days, as I have very little to complain or cry about. I question whether I will - or should - continue to write in it. The lack of posting recently is no accident, really - I've just not had too much to say. I've been too busy living my life - and I've discovered that there IS a life out there!
(Though my wrist being broken doesn't lead me to want to use it too much in the pursuit of writing, or anything else. There is that, heh.)
And now, a video. :p Actually... this song has a certain meaning to me, as it's one of the last songs I remember... before the depression took over my life. :(
This song has been on my mind tonight, for some reason. I will never understand in all of my days how we got from a beautiful piece of music like this to the utter desolation and crap that music is today.
So, here we are again; it's the annual "end of the year" post where I refuse to recap the past 12 months and insist that you go look it all up in the previous entries. :p
I think that I'm going to take a different stance on things this year, though, in that for once, I have a lot of things to talk about. I've been very loquacious these past two weeks - more so than I have been in the last two years. I'm talking, sharing, relating with people. It's a strange, heady feeling, but it's also not feeling false or forced. It used to be that I'd make an attempt at being sociable, and afterwards I would feel horrible, as if I'd talked too much or sounded tinny and false; which in retrospect, probably wasn't far off the mark. But I'm actually feeling pretty well today. Today is one of my "good days", I guess you could say.
So I'll just do a quick recap of the past year, through my eyes, which have been blinded for a good portion of the time... but the cobwebs are truly beginning to clear.
The best part of the year for me was easily buying this house back in April. This was the best move I have ever made for myself, bar none. I don't think that anything can compare to the knowledge that I have that this house is mine, that I will never be forced to move on because of circumstance or because I wasn't wanted somewhere. I still have a long way to go as far as getting the things that I need... but for the first time in... what may be forever.... I now feel that I have a real home.
Other highlights of the year include my finding my therapist, who has helped me more than I can ever say. I have come forward in great strides since August, when I began seeing him on a regular basis, and have knocked down some impenetrable walls since - all without drugs or being locked up. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for this, believe me, but I'm taking the tools that I'm slowly learning and using them for my good, and in the end for others' good as well.
I've learned that in order to love other people, I need to love myself first and foremost. I've learned that maybe being ethical isn't a bad thing. I've learned that perhaps honesty is the way to go, and I've learned that other peoples' shortcomings aren't necessarily my own. Last night, I had a long, good talk with a friend who has been through hell and back with me and this illness... I mean, I have seriously put him through the wringer with this shit. I told him that I've learned that I am the sum of my experiences - one bad experience does not make my whole life, nor does it make me as a complete person. I've learned that while there are bad things in one's life, and even whole blocks of bad times, there's also some good times and experiences in almost everything one does.
And I've learned that my family's mistakes aren't mine. I've learned that even though I've been abused, I can rise above it - that indeed, it is my duty to rise above it and make something out of myself. And I think I've begun that process. There's always more I can do, and more work to be done. But 2011 will be a part of that work, and if there's anything I've learned from this depression, it's that self-improvement can never harm, and always helps.
Pretty heavy stuff, huh? :)
Now... the worst part of the year, well. I'll be straight with you on this - in some ways, the worst part of the year actually turned me around and began the real job of healing. If you go back to late September, where I'd said that something horrible had happened to me and that I couldn't discuss it.... that is the worst part of the year for me. I will reveal that incident now - basically, I'd had a date with someone I'd met online, and it ended up that I was more or less raped. It wasn't a violent incident, but.... the details really don't matter, because when someone says no, no matter what part of the buildup you're in - if they don't stop, it's rape. And that's what it turned out to be.
I'll be frank with you. I considered suicide. I wanted to die. I was very, very close to taking a butcher knife out of the kitchen and driving it into my chest. I was violated, humiliated, thought that death was the only escape from all of the misery and depression symptoms. I couldn't cope. And I didn't tell anyone about it, because.... what could I really say? It was that old self-validation kicking in, the sense that I needed this asshole's approval to feel good about myself. Isn't that terrible?
But, you see... after that weekend, where I lay on my sofa, dry-eyed and burning with hate... that's when it all started to turn around for me. I had that choice in my hands... life or death. That knife in my hands would determine the course of my fate. And quite honestly, that was one heavy, heavy choice. To know that I had the power to end it all.... or to fight the disgust, anger, depression, the effects of the abuse that I've endured throughout my life. Was I really worth nothing more than peoples' scorn and abuse? Or was it up to me to make myself worth more?
Ever since that day, I have had a steel determination to never, never, ever let someone abuse me again - in any way, shape or form. The minute that boundaries are crossed, I cut them loose, and I don't allow anyone to take more than I'm willing to give them. I no longer accept being treated like a second-class citizen, from anybody or anything. If people don't like me, that's just too bad - they have a choice to not be around me, just like I have a choice not to be treated like garbage.
I'm not second-best. I'm not someone's option, I am a goddamn PRIORITY, and I will be treated like one!
So... that was the worst part of it for me. The cruise in September just before that wasn't nearly as awful, but it wasn't a huge success, either. I just don't think that cruising is the type of vacation I enjoy, and I probably won't go again. Otherwise, it's been kind of a quiet year, and one filled with self-discoveries and learning, some good and some bad.
Now, for the predictions of 2011. I don't do resolutions, you see, as calling them 'resolutions' is a sure way of making them not happen, heh.
Career: I think it's going to continue to be full of changes and improvements. If I receive another promotion next year, I'll be elevated to a GS-6, which isn't much more in the pay scale, but it's a huge step as far as levels are concerned. I am more or less satisfied with the job for the present time, though I need to start thinking about ramping up the skill set and maybe updating a few of my abilities.
Health, Mental: I seriously feel that I'm going to continue to improve on this front. I have never felt better than in the last 2 weeks. Yes, I continue to have some spells, but they're much shorter in duration and come during fragile times of the year such as the holidays or my birthday. Therapy continues. We shall see.
Health, Physical: I haven't been able to concentrate on this front in 2010, and I have unfortunately begun to see some deterioration in my body because of it. I still do not have the inherited family difficulties yet (varicose veins, respiratory issues, circulation problems), but they're slowly coming. I have had some disturbing physical symptoms appear due to my weight, which I am making a huge priority to do something about this year. I am considering doing a separate blog for this issue alone (which I shall surely share when the time is right). This isn't a resolution, okay; this is an issue that I am taking VERY seriously. I will be much healthier physically by this time next year, or there will be a damned good reason why, which in that case, I will seriously put the option of bariatric surgery on the table. I'm done with looking and feeling like a pile of crap. If I can work to heal my mind and be rid of this depression - I can lose this fucking weight.
I ask for everyone's support for this, because if I do have surgery, it will be a lifetime change that I will have to deal with, and it's very frightening.
Social Life/Relationships: No progress on this front in 2010. The last two weeks of this year have been a little abnormal, but it's because I'm feeling pretty well. Otherwise, there has been little to no change. I am not concerned about it, as I have repeatedly stated that I'm not ready for it. For 2011, I predict that there still won't be a lot of changes, though I think it'll get slightly easier. Time will tell.
Financial: I end 2010 in excellent financial shape. I'm hoping to have a lot more in savings and investments in 2011, though I'll always have a little bit of a shopping bug, probably more so than usual now because of the house. I'm not going to hesitate in treating myself to things, though, should I want something.
....and that's it. That's really all that I wanted to say tonight. Basically, I'm not unhappy to see 2010 depart, but at the same time, I feel that it was a year of transition for me, from desperately ill to recovering. Hopefully by this time in 2011, I can finally report that I'm doing much better. :)
This is the song that, for me, sums up how I feel 2011 will be. I hope that it is!
Happy New Year to all. May it be everything that you want it to be.
I was watching VH-1 Classic this morning (often something I do when there is absolutely nothing on the tube - it's amazing, I have DirecTV satellite and yet out of 500+ channels there's still zero airing that isn't dreck), and they were having a "Totally 80's" block. (Shut. the. fuck. up. It's my generation, damn it, so kiss my round red ass.) Anyway... they were playing mostly good stuff, but there are some tunes from that era that were disgustingly "feel good, positive, chin up, happy happy" bullshit. Since the 80's were basically not a very happy period of time for me as a rule, those songs tend to make me want to vomit.
Unfortunately, some of them are making a comeback. Why, I could not tell you.
I now present some of the most disgusting tunes ever made - at least in my opinion. The videos are included, though why you would ever watch them, I have no idea. I know I won't be. (Note: they're not all from the 80's, but for some reason that decade was the most nauseating...)
1.) Katrina & The Waves - "Walking On Sunshine"
This is the video that got me thinking about this whole subject. I mean, come on. First of all, those three guys walking behind this bitch look anything but happy to be in this silly, sad video. And it's common knowledge that "the Waves" aren't nearly as important in this act as "Katrina", whom I suppose is pretty enough but quite frankly looks like she's singing about her girlfriend, if you know what I mean. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, but let's face it, those tennis shoes of hers don't make her look real feminine, know what I'm saying?) Second, if you're going to be doing a video about sunshine - pick a sunny day and not a foggy, gray rainmaker. Though the shots of the bridge in London are a nice touch. It does occur to me that it could be a statement of irony, but I honestly don't think that was the intention - they don't look intelligent enough for it.
2.) Bobby McFerrin - "Don't Worry (Be Happy)"
This is the song that is on my all-time shit list. Don't worry? Is this guy fucking nuts? It's obvious this asshole has never suffered with depression or has even heard of it. Plus that guy going "whoo-hoo-hoo" in the bridge makes me want to curl my nails into his throat and rip it out - Jesus, how irritating. This video is actually cut off in the middle of the song - which for me is sweet fucking relief. I think this one actually vaults above Miss Katrina up there for the "most fucking annoying" award. The real kicker about this song is - this douchebag doesn't even give you a reason why you shouldn't worry about things. Just unbridled, unthinking optimism. That's how people get hurt, motherfucker. Sad thing is, this dick laughed all the way to the bank with people's money. I guess he doesn't have to worry about shit, now does he?
3.) Fleetwood Mac - "Don't Stop"
It absolutely breaks my heart to have to put Fleetwood Mac on this list, because I've always liked them so much, especially the tracks "Dreams" and "Rhiannon", which are nothing short of beautiful. But this song is an abomination. The lyrics - ugh. "Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone." Thanks for reminding me, assholes. I already regret that I've lost so much of my life to depression, I really don't need a reminder that I've wasted yet another day because I can't manage to hold my head up without sobbing my heart out. Jerks. My only consolation is that maybe Christine McVie and Lindsey Buckingham were LSD-tripping when they wrote this - I could possibly forgive them.
4.) Lee Ann Womack - "I Hope You Dance"
This bitch just...doesn't... get it. It's obvious that this song is for people that have never had one thing go wrong in their lives - that or fools, because you would be a fucking idiot to be that frigging optimistic. Thanks, but I will sit this out and be glad to do so, because I'm of the real world. What a douche. And so obviously trying to cater to the "girly-girl", the so-called "sisterhood", blah blah. Such a joke. I won't even get into that subject, because that's another rant altogether.
5.) Johnny Nash - "I Can See Clearly Now"
"I can see clearly now, the man's insane! I can see all the bullshit that's in his way.... Gone is the common sense I thought he had, He's going to sing a dumb (dim), dense (thick) piece of crap song!"
Since it IS my birthday week coming up, I thought I'd have a look at what was popular at a few junctures of my life...
The #1 song when I was born was this:
1972, March 25 - April 14: A Horse With No Name - America
When I was 10 (1982): March 20 - May 7: I Love Rock n' Roll - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
When I was 15 (1987): March 21 - April 3: Lean On Me - Club Nouveau
When I was 18 (1990): March 24 - April 6: Black Velvet - Alannah Myles (I LOVED this song, by the way. Still do. The remake is a piece of shit.)
When I was 21 (1993): March 13 - April 30: Informer - Snow (Hahaha. I can't think of this song without seeing the "In Living Color" version by Jim Carrey. Snicker.)
When I was 25 (1997): February 22 - May 21: Wannabe - Spice Girls (Sigh. It's getting progressively worse, isn't it.)
When I was 30 (2002): March 9 - April 19: Ain't It Funny - Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule (Ummm... huh? Now I'm LOST.)
I don't think I'll even continue past this point, because I won't know the songs, most likely, and even if I do I'm liable to think they're shit anyway. The last year I remember newer music that was considered 'mainstream' is 2001. After that, bleh. I go with friends' recommendations or word-of-mouth now, because I assure you that whatever the record industry puts out now is utter crap.
Anyhow, I just considered this semi-interesting...
So, this is the part where I'm supposed to either rant or rave about how sucky/great 2009 was, right?
In truth, I don't think I really need to do that, as it's again all laid out for you on the blog if you care to go back and have a look. Were there any highlights for me? Honestly, there weren't - but neither were there any serious setbacks. I think this past year has been what I call a "transition" year.
I haven't made as much progress on my health, either physical or mental, as I would have liked. I am "better" mentally, though not where I'd like to be. And physically? Bleh, that's gone straight to hell, so I need to really focus on that this upcoming year. I'm fast approaching 38 now (God... really? ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh) and if I want any chance of avoiding the inherited family health difficulties, I need to get cracking on that. It might already be too late, to be honest. But I need to try, so.. that's a priority.
I haven't made much progress on my financial situation, either, though I've started a goodish savings account and I'm going to pay off what I can in 2010. I really want to be in the position where I'll be able to buy a house by the time I'm 40. I don't know where I'll go or what kind of place I want yet, but that's not important right now, as I'm not ready for it anyway. 2010 is the year to "get my shit together", I guess I'll say. But I really want to be in better financial shape than I am right now.
Career-wise, I'm doing a lot better. I don't necessarily like my job, and I don't want to take urine for the rest of my life (Jesus, no, heh), but I'm settled in and to a point where I'm riding the job instead of it riding me. We desperately need more staff, as we're short-handed (the last two Tuesdays and Thursdays have nearly been the end of me, I'm not kidding), but they say it's coming. I've heard that one before, heh.
Personally? A write-off. I haven't been paying much attention to relationships or anything of the sort. Now is not the time for that. I have too much going on with other issues to deal with such things, and I have a feeling that 2010 will also be the same as far as that's concerned. I'm just not ready mentally, physically, any of it. I might never be at this rate, but... it's important for me to get everything else straightened out before I can focus on the wretched state of my personal life, heh. Some things that I have had previous difficulties with are starting to resolve themselves, and that's a very good thing...but I'm just not ready.
I don't do "resolutions". It's a pointless waste of time and it only encourages one to fail. I prefer to think of them as loose long-term goals for myself. That doesn't sound so bad, maybe.
This time last year I was alone on New Year's Eve and curled up on my couch watching television. It'll be the same again this year, but hopefully I won't start 2010 depressed and having another attack. I really have been starting to feel better in the last couple of days, so let's hope for the best. I have discovered an awesome little online community for the depressed and suicidal, so that has and will greatly help me. I would reveal the name of it, but... right now I kind of feel like it's my little secret "haven" from the world and all of the people that know me, so... if you really want to know, leave me a comment/mail/etc. and I'll tell you, because I wouldn't want those who need it to go without.
Second year in a row that the weather's been crap here for New Year's Eve. I don't feel bad for the idiots sitting down at the Inner Harbor waiting for the fireworks. I hope they get rained on but good, heh.
So, anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
2009 in a song? Let's see... I think this pretty much sums it up for me.
This album cover literally scared the living shit out of me when I was a child. I think it's the toothless old guy in the middle of the life preserver just grinning at me. Even now, I get a bit of a shudder. Ugh.
2.) Jim Post, "I Love My Life"
"I love my life", my ass. This guy looks just about as unhappy as one can get. Seriously. And what's up with the shower bit?
3.) Patrick Wolf, "The Magic Position"
I am utterly speechless.
4.) Lil Wayne, "Tha Carter III"
There is just something about this that disturbs...perhaps it's seeing a child no more than two with gangsta symbols painted all over him. Is this the state of the world we live in?
Silly me, I shouldn't have asked.
5.) Bizarro Will, "A Little Something To Take The Edge Off"
I was on the Christian Dior website (don't ask me why, okay, because even I don't know), and I was watching the 2009 winter fashion show... and marveling at how ugly all of those rail-thin anorexic models looked... when I heard this song in the background and ...
It seems that the Luvox has removed all sense of drama and/or stress from my life, as I've really not been anxious about too much of anything. The social life hasn't much improved, but then again I'm not really trying too hard as of late. I am more willing to get out and do things, so if that's what it's meant to do, I'm happy for that. I was shocked to see that the medicine (this one alone) is seventy dollars. At this rate, I think I'd rather be a fucked-up hermit than pay those prices. God, it's expensive to be sick.
It's been a quiet weekend. I'm off tomorrow for Columbus Day, not that I care much about the holiday or anything, but it's nice to relax. I got my paper in on time and I think I rather did well on it, but I won't know for sure until the instructor gets around to grading it. I have a feeling she's going to be a hardass about grammar and APA and... bleh. I did my best, that's all I can do.
I bought an external hard drive over the weekend and have been having absolute fun with backing up all of my music onto it. I thought I had a lot - 35 gigabytes - but that's only 1% capacity of this new drive, so I'm thrilled to have so much space. I don't think I'll ever be able to fill all of that up, but then I never thought I'd have so many files, either, or that I'd hear of so many bands. I do love my music, I will admit to that.
Seems that my life is horribly boring without the angst, isn't it. I need to get back to the gym tomorrow, I've been horribly neglectful on that front. I do still feel angst about that - sometimes I feel like exercising does me zero good, I'm still overweight and it doesn't seem as if it helps me... but I know that I have to at least try. Sure could use some results, though. I think that maybe I'd better see my doctor, because I'm one of those ones that has tried nearly literally everything to get rid of this weight, to no avail. I'm convinced that there's a medical difficulty somewhere - there has to be. This seems to be the month for reminders about medical appointments, as I just got a notice from my optometrist to go see them, too. And Miss Dandy Lion's got a checkup scheduled for January...
I can't believe I've had that cat almost a year now. Goddamn, where did the time go? I'm not nearly the same person I was then...
Sigh. Too much nostalgia again. I'm moody.
Speaking of nostalgia, here's a video from 1977 - does anyone remember that fake-ass shit records that K-Tel used to put out? It's kind of the vinyl version of the "Now" series of CDs out today. Anyway, there's some commercials on this thing that... well, it'll make you laugh out loud. I want to know how much they paid those idiots in those robot suits to step around like they're standing in a nest of rattlesnakes. And a 12-inch black and white TV for 70 bucks? You'd laugh your ass off if they tried to sell one of those today.
I went back for my doctor's appointment today, and as seems to be his usual way of doing things, I've been removed from the Buspirone and given a nice, new, undoubtedly expensive drug called Luvox. It's apparently supposed to curb the social anxiety as well as the general anxiety. I have some serious doubts about that, but I'm willing to try. It's another SSRI - sigh. There goes what little sex drive I had left. :(
Doc also upped my Abilify to 5mg instead of 2mg. The Wellbutrin stays the same.
I tell you, I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone. I feel like a drug pincushion.
Despite all of that, it's been a good day and for once I feel all right. Going to the Porcupine Tree concert tonight and it promises to be a good time. I've seen them before, last year, and loved it - hopefully this time will be just as good. Also going to RenFest on Sunday. I haven't been in years, so I think it'll be fun. We'll see. I'd like to get some bowling in, too, but I don't want to overdo it.
If you notice some changes to the blog, don't pay attention - I'm just messing with it again. Thinking that it might benefit from a change or two.
That's it. Sorry I sound so abbreviated, but I have a lot to try and get accomplished in the next couple of days.
By tomorrow morning, I'll be moved once again, this time to a nice, spacious apartment in the middle of downtown Baltimore. In some ways I can't wait for it - I'm thoroughly sick of Towson - but... God, I just don't want to move anymore. I've spent my entire life moving, it seems, and I've never been in a place any more than two or three years at the most. After a while, you just get... tired. And I'm starting to get too old to be moving from place to place to place to place. I know that this isn't even the end of it, because one of these days I'll buy a house when I know where I want to settle down for good. Question is... will I ever know that?
Forgive me. I am melancholy today. I sort of knew this would happen. I am just tired of it all, and it's the culmination of many weeks of stress. I just want it all to be over with.
I'll write more once I'm settled, promise, and thanks for bearing with me, Faithful Readers. It's much appreciated. I do think about you all, even though it might not seem that I do.
One of these days this song will fit... and I'll know that I'm "home". Wherever that might be.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I used to be. When the worst of the depression was haunting me, and in truth I find that I don't even remember anymore, the person that I used to be. This is probably, most likely, a good thing, because from the people who knew me then... they tell me that I was... well, not easy to live with is a kind term. A bitch, maybe is what they mean to say, heh. But.. I find that I remember very little of that time at all.
All that I can remember is that I know that all I wanted was to die. That I honestly felt the world closing in on me, choking me, suffocating me. Just to breathe was to hurt. It was a feeling that I cannot describe more than that.
I don't remember being able to work, or to get out of bed a lot of the time. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't think beyond making it a second, a minute at a time.
I do remember the mental hospital. I remember the ward. That was the beginning of waking up for me, but even that didn't fully snap me out of it. I was on drugs that I never should have been on, at the wrong dosages and at the wrong times. Paxil made me dead inside. I could function, but not at a level where I would care. The Buspirone helped greatly with the anxiety and took that away, but it wasn't until I got put on this combination that I'm on now... that I started to feel better.
And today?
I hesitate to say that I'm better, still. Because I've been here before, you know. I've been in a position where I thought I was okay, where I thought that the depression was gone... and the next day, week, month, I'd have an attack so crushing that I'd despair all over again. It's a rollercoaster, a cruel one.
But I do feel that I'm in a better place now. I'm able to handle situations now that would have had me in broken, screaming sobs even a year ago. This job in itself proves that I'm better, because how many people do you know that could deal with a thousand angry, just-as-depressed-as-you-are people a day? And not only deal with the job, but ride it to the point where you get a promotion barely a year later?
Yes. I think it's safe to say that I'm better now. But I still live in a world of fear that one of these days the drugs will stop working. That I'll go back to being in that glass box where I used to watch the world from outside, and yearn to be a part of it but couldn't be because the edges of that box were cutting into my throat. That's how I felt for a long, long time. Maybe for my whole life.
I'm reminded of the song "Blackbird" by the Beatles.
Ignore the video itself... but listen to the lyrics. That's so where I really am now in my life. I'm scared.. but I'm learning to live again. That's where I am.
It was so weird - yesterday morning I woke up in tears, again, like I had been for the last three weeks... but by the time work was over, I was perfectly fine - smiling, my head felt clear, things even looked brighter and sharper. It was like the clouds just disappeared.
This convinces that work is definitely one of the major causes of what's going on with me - but I'm not so sure it's just that. For the last three weekends I've felt like utter shit, it didn't matter - so what's different about this weekend?
Maybe it's because spring weather is finally here, too. Don't get me wrong, I normally love, love, love the rain. But after nearly two weeks of it...well. You tend to start wishing that it would clear up, just for a day. And so it has - it's gorgeous outside, perfect temperatures, perfect everything. It's a little windy, but I like even that. Maryland is at her best in the springtime, I've always said that, and will continue to say. It'll stay like this until Memorial Day.. but afterwards, ughughugh.
I hate summer with a passion.
I've gotten back about 1500 dollars from federal and state gubmints combined. Not a bad chunk of change. Shame it's all going to pay bills off, heh, but there'll be another chance to travel/have fun later. I have to get my ass in gear and get out of the starting-to-be-massive debt I've begun to accumulate. It took me 8 years to get my credit back together after my ex-husband fucked me over, so I'll be damned if I'm going to blow it up myself after all I've been through!
Other than the above, there's not much going on, but I'm okay with that. Just to feel better is a miracle that I've prayed for, for the last month. :)
Here's a video for you all, just to mix it up a bit. I've been running through the lists over at DiscoMusic picking up the more obscure tunage and I've come across some absolute gems. (Yes, I like disco. Fuck you.) Anyway, I picked up this one, it's from 1982 and apparently quite the rarity, though not rare enough not to show up on YouTube, heh. You must forgive the actors their 1982-era clothes and mannerisms - we didn't know any better in those days. :D
It's been, as usual, a very hectic week - and in parts, a very bad one as well. I've been trying to clear this Paxil shit out of my body, and let me tell you what, if I'd known what fucking havoc this drug would've wreaked on me, I would have never, ever, ever taken it. I could have gone shit-stir crazy and they still would have had to force-feed it to me through a tube. I ended up not even going to work Monday. Who could go in and deal with morons when I could barely even stand up without swaying? Uh, no.
As it stands now, I feel a lot better - though some symptoms persist, such as the dizziness/feeling light-headed and some really bad mood swings. Hell, I was sitting on the light rail train coming home and looking in the window and suddenly I could feel myself getting ready to cry. (Maybe I actually did cry - if you call one tear trickling down a cheek 'crying'.) As usual, that's a product of, what else, overthinking.
I had a lot of things on my mind tonight... but in truth it's all mixed up and I'm not in the best shape emotionally to deal with it all or talk about it - for now. There's nothing really wrong, so don't you all get to worrying, heh. It's just... well, you know how sometimes you have too much spinning around in your head and you can't seem to process it all enough to put it into words? That's what's going on here. I'm perfectly fine - a little run-down physically but that's normal toward the end of the week... mentally, a little worse off but I think it's just the last of the Paxil trying to come out. I'm not in the depths of despair like I was, not even close.
Once I have a chance to settle down a bit, I'll probably talk up a storm. Weekends are so much better for me to do that, anyway.
I do know one thing - life is very confusing right now. That's for sure.
More tomorrow, probably, but I'll leave you with this much - I was hearing this song in my head while coming home on the train. I love it a lot, but at the same time it's sad in some ways. Probably that's what got me to crying, heh, who knows.
I never want to be old And I don't want dependants It's no fun to be told That you can't blame your parents anymore
I'm finding it hard To hang from a star I don't want to be... Never want to be old
Sullen and bored the kids stay And in this way wish away each day Stoned in the mall the kids play And in this way wish away each day
I don't really know If I care what is normal And I'm not really sure If the pills I've been taking are helping
I've wasted my life And I'm hurting inside I don't really know And I'm not really sure...
Sullen and bored the kids stay And in this way wish away each day Stoned in the mall the kids play And in this way wish away each day...
(Side note: I'm okay, sort of. I've been not feeling very well this past week - dizzy, tired, sort of disconnected. I honestly think I'm having SSRI discontinuation symptoms. Hopefully it won't last forever... sigh.)
