Don't cross me. I have minions. (A bit rambly, and certainly may qualify as venty, too.)

I didn't feel much like doing the Saturday 9 this week, but then my entire mood has been just weird and... I guess a little "off", I suppose.  I still have my times where things just don't sit well with me, and this was one of them.  I've actually been upset over the smallest shit today, and that's bothered me immensely.  For example:  Greg and I made a grocery order online (something we usually do, though neither of us like it) on Friday night, and we'd ordered a pound of white button mushrooms.  Simple enough, right?

So, the order came, and I swear to fucking God, there was a bag with ONE.  MUSHROOM.  IN.  IT.  One.  A tiny little solitary white button mushroom.  We checked the receipt... and they actually charged us 28 cents for this one sad fucking little mushroom.  It's enough to make anyone laugh their asses off, me included - usually.

No.  I fucking lost it because Safeway had the nerve to actually bag up ONE mushroom.  And charge me for it.  I was literally upset for hours over this - like I said, the stupidest shit on the planet.  Why did I do that?

Bless Greg for putting up with me.  I don't know how he does it, I swear.  And I honestly don't know why I felt like that, but.... it's stupid little shit like this that's made me feel tired and rundown and sad all day.  Depressed, actually.  I don't know whether it's because all of what I'm going through at work is dragging me down, or financial worries, or what.  I have no clue.  All that I know is that I'm so tired of being strong for everyone else's sake.  And I know I have to let go of that stupidity, because I've carried the weight for so freaking long that it's broken my shoulders.  Isn't that how I got depression in the first place?

I find that I still have so many issues concerning independence and needing help and allowing others to assist me.  I have no idea of what I'm going to do when I get too old to do things on my own - I'm so freaking proud and stubborn, and I know it.  Sigh....

As usual, when I'm feeling like this, I have a yearning to go backward in time... to see how people from my past are doing.  Whether they "miss" me or not, I guess.  Whether they think about me.  Which is silly, actually, because I'm pretty sure that they couldn't give a rat's ass.  But, still... it's a compulsion that I have a hard time breaking, and when I'm in moods like this, it's magnified a hundred times over, usually with bad results.  Tonight's journey wasn't actually so bad.  I'm feeling less and less hurt as time rolls on, which I guess is a good thing - though I cry when I find out new information, sometimes.  Like... tonight, I found out that one of my favorite cats that I'd loved so much in the trash shack in Georgia is dead.  I don't know when it happened - but it happened before March of 2010, because that's the date on the picture and it says "the late ".... sigh.  I loved that boy like he was my very own - he was the sweetest one of the bunch that I tried to take care of.  He comforted me when my Pearl died in that hellhole.... and now I know he's gone.  And THAT hurts.  He wasn't even eight years old yet, I know that for a fact, because I moved into that horror house in March of 2002 and he was literally weeks old then.  

Of course he didn't make it to 8 years old.  Would you, if you were forced to live amongst filth and decay?

I feel so fucking guilty that I couldn't save him - any of them.  That's what happens when you live with a hoarder.  That's what happens when you try to have a normal life with a person who isn't normal.  I mean, let's face it - I'm a slob, I'm Oscar in the fucking Odd Couple - but I'm not a hoarder.  I know when to throw shit away.  I know better than to have 22 cats and 4 fucking dogs and not be able to take care of any of them.  I know when something needs fixing in my house and I don't use a slop bucket to fill up my toilet tanks when I need to take a shit.

Oh, Christ, I don't even want to go into this right now.  I WILL start crying and I'll go into a downward spiral for the rest of the weekend.  That I DON'T need.  I'm not ready to confront all of that.  Not yet.  Not now.

Tonight, though, I'm grateful that I've removed certain people from my life.  I'm grateful that I have the knowledge that I will never go back to those times, nor do I want to.  I see tons of people on my Facebook "friend suggestions", people that I knew, people that my friends know... but I don't add anybody.  I don't want to, honestly.  I have all of the "friends" on there that I need or want, and if someone wants to get in touch with me, they know how to find me.  If they don't make an effort... they don't really want to know what's going on in my life, then, do they?

Those kinds of "friends", I don't need.

I find that I am enjoying simplicity.  I have my job.  I have Greg in my life, and we live pretty quietly, simply - we don't need or want a lot of things.  I have friends that I can turn to in the rare event that I need advice.  I have a home to live in, food to eat, clothes on my back.  We occasionally go out for a movie, bowling, walks;  nothing complicated.  The anger that I have held inside of me for so long is beginning to dissipate.  I no longer seek out drama, or even welcome it in others.

Maybe I'm starting to grow old at last - but I'm at the point now where I just want a quiet life and my ways are my ways.  I've never dealt well with change as a rule, anyhow.

The sun is setting on the first half of my life.  I'm okay with that, finally.  I'll be 40 in less than 3 months now, 90 short days - and I'm okay with that as well.  I've seen enough "action" (which really translates to pain, when you think about it) for a lifetime.  Now I just want my life settled, quiet, happy.  I think I'm well on the way to that.  Things didn't turn out the way that I'd expected, maybe - but it's all right.  Everything for a reason, yes?

I am considerably "calmer" now than when I started writing this post, all in the space of 20 short minutes.  I guess that writing it all out does tend to help with my confuzzled state of mind, heh.  Still... I dislike it when I lapse into old patterns of thinking.  I need to watch that, still, I think.

One day at a time.  (La, dah-dah-dah.  Score if you know to what I refer, heh.  :p )

Until then.

Well, situation normal. It's all fucked up. :p

This past week has been absolutely horrendous. In the course of just 7 days, I've been feeling like utter crap, I've gained 3 pounds (putting me nearly back to the start of the year - when is this shit ever going to get better, damn it?), I've been harassed at work (I hesitate to say sexual harassment, but in truth that's exactly what it falls under) and now face the possibility of making a formal complaint, my mortgage went up by 40 dollars a month, I've lost my state tax refund because of the escrow shortage, and my cat's been puking up hairballs all over the house. I don't know if she's sick - she doesn't seem to be - but I'm a little concerned.

Fuck. Could this week have been any worse?

What absolutely amazes me is that for the most part, I've held it together and not crumbled to pieces. I keep reminding myself that things could be, and have been, a lot worse. Still, I didn't appreciate everything raining down on my head all at once, you know?

I was supposed to clean this weekend, but after all of this bullshit, I've pretty much boiled it down to "fuck this, I'll do what I like", heh. I am so tired, and it just seems that every bit of human contact that I've had recently has been nothing but a source of irritation. Though maybe it's nothing except paranoia, I just get this overwhelming sense that everything is either going wrong or is about to.

I look around and I see all of these things that I either want to do or, worse, need to be done... and I can't seem to find any enthusiasm or will to do any of it. It's like, what's the point?

Even my therapy recently hasn't much helped this sense of impending doom.

Maybe I'm just going through a bad patch right now, I don't know, but I wish it would stop.

Okay, bitching over. :p /complaint

Improving bit by bit.

So I had a pretty good therapy session yesterday. My doctor says that I'm making progress, without drugs and without excuses. I've come to think of his office as "my personal screaming place", because more often than not, I rail and rant and cry my eyes out in there. It's to the point where he has a box of tissues on the ready, because I always, always use them.

There's no doubt about it - this is easily the hardest undertaking that I've ever experienced. But I can slowly feel my mindset, my attitude, my whole life beginning to change. I still have moments where I feel the utter blackness, the lack of a future... but new thoughts are creeping into my empty brain, the realization that someone else's toxicity isn't either my fault or under my control. And I'm learning to just let go.

That sounds like such an easy thing to do... let go. But it's not as easy as people make it seem. I'm learning, though. Slowly, painfully, but learning.

I had the beginnings of lonely feelings last night. Instead of doing what I normally do (which would be either sinking into a deep, depressive funk and cry, or search frantically for someone or something to give me external validation and make me feel better - neither of which techniques work), I sought to find something that would make me laugh. And by God (pun intended), I found it.

Observe below. Yes, it's juvenile as hell. Yes, it's hysterical.




(For those of you who aren't familiar with the televangelist craze of the late 80's, the guy above is Robert Tilton, who used to run a megachurch out in Texas someplace and had a network TV show called 'Success N Life', from which most of these clips are taken. I remember it well. They used to show it on crappy little independent TV stations that were desperate to fill their airtime. Robert Tilton's "church" was exposed in 1991 on ABC News as a fraud.)

In any case, just watching that silly, sad video made me feel a lot better. And I didn't participate in any self-destructive habits to accomplish it. Therefore... well, I'm pretty proud of myself.

I'm not confident enough to say that my life is better - yet. But it's on an upswing, and after all I've been through, I guess that's good enough for me.

I think curling up for a nap with the kitteh sounds like a fine idea about now. :)

Hmmm....

I've been busy over the last couple of days, and a lot has happened, but.. for some reason I just don't much feel like talking about any of it. Nothing bad, just... I think lazy is a better word for it. It's been cold as fuck here lately and I've wanted to curl up in bed and sleep it away. At least my wanting to stay in bed isn't because of depression! :)

I've had disturbing dreams about my family as of late, specifically my mother and brother, who were the two primary figures in my life while I was growing up. I can't really articulate them very well - as usual, I've partially blocked it out - but I've also neglected to write down my dreams. Usually if they've made a huge impact on my life I'll remember them on my own, anyway. I do dislike thinking about my family, even subconsciously. The more awareness I come to, the more that I realize that I just want to be done with them all - mother, brother, everyone. Sad, but I have to be truthful with myself. I've already "disowned" my father and have more or less told him so. One of these...no, wait.

I keep saying that one of these days I'm going to write him a letter, but... where else should I do it but here. Maybe when I'm less tired, I will. Tonight isn't a good night to do such things, as I might get upset and we don't want that, do we, kiddies.

One of my coworkers had urine thrown on him this week. Everyone's worst nightmare down at work. They tried to deny him six hours of leave, but he raised a huge stink (if you'll pardon the irony, hah hah) about it and he got it anyway. The way I see it is this - if Useless can take two weeks off for being stuck in an elevator for 20 minutes, I think this guy can take six hours' leave to go to the doctor to make sure that urine didn't get in his eyes, don't you agree?

That place is just ... fucked. Seriously.

We roll back the time in two weeks. I can't wait - it means winter is finally here and I love the cold weather (though I'm not sure about this early in the season).

No grade on the paper for crim yet. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I'm not getting a bad vibe from it, so... maybe I did well. Still waiting....

Brrr. My feet are freezing, so I'm getting into bed, and I hope the cat comes up and warms them for me. :D

Until next time.

Nothing much doing.

It seems that the Luvox has removed all sense of drama and/or stress from my life, as I've really not been anxious about too much of anything. The social life hasn't much improved, but then again I'm not really trying too hard as of late. I am more willing to get out and do things, so if that's what it's meant to do, I'm happy for that. I was shocked to see that the medicine (this one alone) is seventy dollars. At this rate, I think I'd rather be a fucked-up hermit than pay those prices. God, it's expensive to be sick.

It's been a quiet weekend. I'm off tomorrow for Columbus Day, not that I care much about the holiday or anything, but it's nice to relax. I got my paper in on time and I think I rather did well on it, but I won't know for sure until the instructor gets around to grading it. I have a feeling she's going to be a hardass about grammar and APA and... bleh. I did my best, that's all I can do.

I bought an external hard drive over the weekend and have been having absolute fun with backing up all of my music onto it. I thought I had a lot - 35 gigabytes - but that's only 1% capacity of this new drive, so I'm thrilled to have so much space. I don't think I'll ever be able to fill all of that up, but then I never thought I'd have so many files, either, or that I'd hear of so many bands. I do love my music, I will admit to that.

Seems that my life is horribly boring without the angst, isn't it. I need to get back to the gym tomorrow, I've been horribly neglectful on that front. I do still feel angst about that - sometimes I feel like exercising does me zero good, I'm still overweight and it doesn't seem as if it helps me... but I know that I have to at least try. Sure could use some results, though. I think that maybe I'd better see my doctor, because I'm one of those ones that has tried nearly literally everything to get rid of this weight, to no avail. I'm convinced that there's a medical difficulty somewhere - there has to be. This seems to be the month for reminders about medical appointments, as I just got a notice from my optometrist to go see them, too. And Miss Dandy Lion's got a checkup scheduled for January...

I can't believe I've had that cat almost a year now. Goddamn, where did the time go?
I'm not nearly the same person I was then...

Sigh. Too much nostalgia again. I'm moody.

Speaking of nostalgia, here's a video from 1977 - does anyone remember that fake-ass shit records that K-Tel used to put out? It's kind of the vinyl version of the "Now" series of CDs out today. Anyway, there's some commercials on this thing that... well, it'll make you laugh out loud. I want to know how much they paid those idiots in those robot suits to step around like they're standing in a nest of rattlesnakes. And a 12-inch black and white TV for 70 bucks? You'd laugh your ass off if they tried to sell one of those today.



Until next time, darlings. :p

At last, an update and time to write it!

I'm still trying to unpack and get my life back to a sense of normalcy, but it's slowly coming together. I absolutely love my new place, as well as the neighborhood that it's in. The walk to the train station in the morning is a whopping ten minutes - a huge improvement from the old 2.5 hour commute from Towson and back every day. There's also a sense of... I don't know, excitement in this place that wasn't present in the suburbs. I'm just not a person that can tolerate anything but city living, I suppose. In any case, I'm very happy at this point. I'm discovering new places to hang out, so that's always a plus.

I note with delight that it's raining out, as well. Always a win.

If I still haven't answered your mail yet, don't panic - it'll happen. There are a few people that have written me in the past couple of weeks that I'm... debating on whether to answer, to be honest. Have you ever had a situation where someone from your past has written you and you just weren't sure if you wanted to invite that person back into your life? So it goes with me. It's not that I hold ill will towards said person, but.. I met them at a time where I wasn't doing very well in my life (the depression was in full force at that point), and I don't know if I want to open up a can of worms, so to speak. I'm debating. Maybe I'll answer them, I could always use more friends in my life, but... I don't know.

It's something I need to think over.

So much for a lengthy update, heh, but there's really not much else to discuss at this point. Work is fine (for a change), school is fine (for now), my health is fine (and hopefully will continue to be so). Miss Dandy is also doing well, after a difficult transition period - she's forgotten all about the Towson apartment, which is a good thing.

Guess I'll just listen to the rain and be happy. I'm such a boring person, I know, but... you know, I find that what might bore other people is peace to me. And after all that's happened to me in my crazy-ass life, I need peace more than anything, know what I mean?

More later, if I feel up to it.

The false alarm yesterday was no false alarm.

I got a panicked call at 1am from my mother, saying that her cat Daisy couldn't urinate and was straining to try, and I had to talk her down from hysteria... called every vet in town looking for someone that was open, but the few that were didn't open until this morning... so I've spent a night on pins and needles, waiting for a call that she'd died.

One vet that I called, however, at Metrocenter Animal Clinic, called back at 6:30am (on a Sunday morning, yet!) and offered to not only see her, but to make a house call over at my mother's!

The end result is that, unfortunately, my mother's cat has been euthanized. She was 17 years old - a venerable age in cat years - and in all honesty, her kidneys were beginning to fail, she was off her food, a litany of medical problems. This wonderful person, Dr. Leonardo, offered to take her to Metrocenter Clinic and do the procedure there instead of doing it at the house. So... while she's gone now, she at least died comfortably and without pain. That's really all we can ask for, I guess.

My mother isn't doing well - it was the last link to my grandmother that she had - but she will be fine, with time. The grieving process has to be gone through, after all.

(sigh) Everything is okay otherwise. But it's hard. This situation reminds me so much of when Pearl died, and I'm still not fully recovered over that. I don't think I ever will be.

Heh. Tears are close, so I'd best stop for today. I'm okay, though, honestly. These situations are just hard for me to deal with, considering my condition, but I think I've sailed through this particular test.

Thanks for listening.

The hot weather has arrived... bleaugh.

I hate summer. Did I mention that last year? No? Then allow me to rectify my mistake, heh. I not only hate summer, I despise it. Disgusting humidity, stifling temperatures, stickiness and sweat. Blech.

Bill Hicks said it best in his routine on the 'Arizona Bay' album: "What are you, a fuckin' lizard?" Heh.

I've been doing a bit more planning for this cruise, and I can't deny that I'm honestly excited about taking the trip. I'm in the middle of planning land excursions - so far it looks like I'll be doing the Titanic graveyard/museum in Halifax, and the Salem Witch Museum in Boston, those ought to be really good. But mainly, I'm just interested in getting away from Baltimore and urine and stress, heh. It's not Sydney - I'd love to go back to Sydney - but it'll do. I'm happy with it. (Though as much as my mother's spending on this, I could have bought two plane tickets to Sydney. Jeee-sus.)

I'm losing weight like crazy. Most of my casual jeans don't fit anymore, and I've been hitching them up all week, heh. My T-shirts are getting baggier, too. I don't know what this Wellbutrin's doing to me, but I'm melting away, lol. I should be happy about that, but I'm curiously... apathetic. I guess it is a way to hide myself away from the world, and now that it's going away, I'm growing increasingly nervous. In any case, I need new clothes desperately, heh.

In time. Financial picture is not good at the moment. But I'll get through, I've always managed before and will do so again.

Otherwise, it's business as usual. I'm in a good mood, albeit kind of tired. I had a false alarm involving my mother's cat this morning - we thought she was very sick and needed to go to the vet - but it turned out that there was just another cat in the window and she was having a hissy fit. Eeesh - cats.

Until next time, cheers.

Life continues onward.

I went back to the doctor (both therapist and pdoc) yesterday. Things are stable, finally - I continue on the Wellbutrin/buspirone/Abilify cocktail. I'm actually feeling a lot better, have been for a week now, so we'll see what happens. But I think I can relax as far as that's concerned.

Still dealing with stress from work, but... I've finally figured out that every job is going to have stress, you can't just get away from that. I've made my life as stress-free and easy as possible, so now I have to take on a little bit. That's fine - it'll be good practice. And I'll be honest with myself - any stress that I really bring home from work is brought on myself. I don't have to pay attention to any of those morons down there - I take urine and go home, that's my job, heh.

Perhaps I'll take that tack and see where we go with it.

The house desperately needs a cleaning, meh, but I've been preoccupied with shit and honestly too lazy to do it. Perhaps I'll start looking into that as well, but unfortunately nearly this entire weekend is booked with things - I have an apartment to see today, various errands to run (trimming my hair down, getting my meds, renewing my library card, etc.)... then I have to take my mother on a shopping run tomorrow afternoon, which is time-consuming and a hardship in itself - but it's to that point now where I sort of have to do it.

It could be worse - it could be to the point where she has to live with me. I'm not looking forward to that day, trust me.

I've been looking into expanding my hobbies a little more. I have a bowling group meeting next weekend, and I'd like to get cracking on my sewing machine, learning it and all of that. Would love to make my own clothes. It's intimidating, though. But if I keep trying...

I'm rambling again, hah. But sometimes this is a good thing, it means my creativity is on high. That's such a good sign!

Anyway, I'm off for now, lots to do today. I feel really good right now. Maybe my life is beginning to turn around for the better. I know, optimism is a dangerous thing, but it's nice to believe once in a great while.

In the meantime... enjoy this video. This was inspired by Miss Lion this morning acting like a total fool. I swear, I think this cat has A.D.D. :)

It's another "Senseless Sunday meme"! :p

Actually, I've seen this type of thing floating about Facebook and various blogs as of late, so why not be mainstream for once and get in on the act! Most people have 15, 25, 50 questions. I'm only going to do ten, simply because I'm wordy and verbose, and I don't want to bore you to death, heh.

This silly, pointless questionnaire is brought to you by General Electric. :p

10 Facts You Might Not Have Known About Me (And Quite Honestly May Not Want To)

1.) My heritage is mainly Irish on my paternal side, British and German on my maternal side. I used to be into finding out who I was and all of that, but I've tired of it since - but before I did, I managed to trace some of it back so that there's interesting tidbits about myself. My father's ancestors came from Northwest Ireland - specifically Sligo County (my maiden surname is very uncommon and it's traceable) - the black marshes. Mysteeeerious! My maternal ancestors were traced back to the early 16th century to the Devon area of the U.K., but before that the trail goes cold. Still, it's interesting stuff.

2.) Connected to #1 above, I've discovered that I'm very distantly related on my father's side - by a million intermarriages - to Thomas Jefferson, third President of the U.S. It's not a direct line, I can't and won't claim it, but it's still quite a tree.

3.) I cannot abide any material or clothing that circles my neck, throat or wrists - I have a very specific aversion to it. For some reason, I feel like I'm being choked and I have to rip it off or go crazy. That goes for jewelry, too. Unless a necklace or pendant hangs six inches below my neck, I can't wear it. Wristwatches? Forget that, heh.

4.) I have a very clear and sharp liking for bitter or sour-tasting foods. Sauerkraut is absolutely delicious. Pickles? You bet! I like almost anything pickled - even foods that I normally can't stand like cabbage and beets are instantly better when pickled. And red-beet eggs? Now you're talking about heaven in a jar.

5.) I hated the taste of coffee until I was 30 years old - no lie. When I lived in Atlanta in the late 90s, I used to visit a store called QuikTrip with my then-husband, who would buy their coffee in these huge-assed mugs. He convinced me to give it a try, and I instantly fell in love with it - possibly because it tasted like Southern Butter Pecan - which is probably the most delicious creamer ever. But before that? I wouldn't touch the stuff.

6.) My first cat was a declawed Manx female that went by the the unusual name of Fur Person. She absolutely hated me and I her, heh. Every time I'd walk by her she'd try to bite me, mainly because of the fact that she was declawed and it did something to her tiny little head, heh. It's one of the many reasons that I do not advocate declawing cats. Fur Person was a "rumpy riser" - basically had a tiny little stub on her behind and that was about all. I'm sure it didn't help that I kept trying to grab it when I was a baby, heh. -_-

7.) I used to be a habitual chewer. I'd chew anything I could get my hands on - my own fingernails, paper bits, pencils. I was terrible when it came to paper - I actually used to chew and swallow it as well. It never did anything to me, so I guess that it's not that harmful, but...the pencils are worrisome. All that lead. But then there's mercury in my teeth, too, so if I'm going to die...

8.) I used to have a pretty good collection of Hustler Magazine going when I was in my late teens - I'd say from about 18 to 23 or so. I'm not really sure of why it was Hustler in particular - it wasn't about the pictorials or the articles, because the pictorials weren't all that (I'm bisexual but I don't necessarily like the explicitness of the layouts, and I don't need an obstetricians' perspective of the female anatomy, thanks)... and the articles border(ed) on just plain frightening. I think it was because Hustler epitomized the hedonistic 70s, which I've always had an interest in. I lived during that time but I was very young and didn't really have a chance to partake in said hedonism, heh. It fascinates me.

9.) I wrote an entire book between the ages of 16 and 20, though it wasn't very good. It was about a talking cat that toured the country Jack Kerouac style, like in "On The Road". I never showed it to anyone, and it was destroyed by an ex-boyfriend during an argument before I could "polish it up", so to speak. To this day, I cannot remember much more of the details to re-write it - which is a shame, because I would do just that.

10.) I admit it. French fries with mayonnaise are good, just like the Dutch say. Fuck 'Pulp Fiction'. It's the truth. :D

Fucking... freezing... out.

Goddamn. It is fucking cold outside. I'm seriously considering burrowing under my blankets and staying there for the next four days (which, coincidentally, happens to be a period of time where I don't have to go to work. How 'bout that, heh>. But, bleargh, life as usual gets in the way.

It's been a busy week - not terrible, not great - just busy. Miss Lion is adjusting to things quite nicely in the house. She's got a funny (and admittedly sometimes annoying as fuck) habit of licking my nose to get me up in the morning, and then demands her petting. That cat is insanely stubborn, Gawd love her, heh. <3

I was going to stay up for a bit tonight but in truth, I'm exhausted. I think a warm bed, a good book, and sleep call my name. So, more tomorrow. :p

Quick picture, as promised, taken January 15th. P.S. Ignore the hellish mess in the background ('course, now that I've pointed it out, you'll notice it, isn't that the way, heh).

I <3 my Lion. :D

Lazy weekend doings.

Just woke up and I'm enjoying Miss Lion's presence. She came yesterday and boy, is she something else. She has a personality and a half. I was woken up over and over by her wanting to crawl up onto my night table - and when she gets it in her furry little head to do something, she does it and be damned what you think about it. (This sounds like I'm complaining, but she's being a cat - I'm aware of it.) She's seven and a half pounds of chattering, shedding, bull-headed stubbornness - and I'm unashamedly in love with her. :D

Pictures shall follow soon.

Anyway, just a lazy Sunday here at casa Ray. I'm happy, she's happy, we're all happy. Now, talk to me the same time tomorrow and I may not be in the same frame of mind, heh, but... right now all is right with the world.

I am finally beginning to let go of Pearl, though. 7 years since she died and I'm just starting to let go of her. I loved that cat with all of my soul, and it broke me when she died, just broke me. A big part of me feels like I killed her, because I took her into that horrible environment in Georgia - if she'd never gone to that disgusting shack... but it's past now. I can't bring her back, as much as I want to. And Miss Lion needs me now.

Maybe I'm starting the recovery process from that. I know, it seems silly to mourn this deeply over the loss of a cat ("She was only a cat for fuck's sake, get over it" - yes, I've heard this before)... but she was quite literally for a long time my child.. and my best friend. You can't "just get over that".

Anyway, enough sadness for today. I'm going to bond with Miss Lion and maybe get some laundry done. The first part is a win. The second? Eh, but necessary.

Here's hoping for a good week.

GOOD!

This is exactly what should happen to people that do this kind of thing. I don't give a shit how old she is.

My only beef? She should have gotten a month in jail for EACH ANIMAL.

Things have picked up in the last couple of days, ack.

First of all, I will reiterate - Thursdays at the drug collection unit suck, bar none. Everyone in the place today either was screamed at by nearly incoherent, uneducated D.C. drug users, or were totally grossed out by their horribly nasty hygiene (or lack of!) habits. I was in the latter camp today, heh, and I'm not even sure if this could be considered a "good" thing.

WARNING: Do not read the next few sentences if you get ill easily or if you're eating. You've been warned.

One of the women I escorted today was ill with... let's say a little bit of a diarrhea problem. So what happens? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you guessed it right - when she puts the cup between her thighs and lets go... a little of some very watery and NASTY smelling #2 went right into the cup with the #1. And guess who has to carry this foul concoction back to the storage area, sloshing about in the opaque plastic cup? If you guessed yours truly... you win the brand-new car.

Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh. My federal job is not as "glamorous" as everyone thinks it is, heh.

END OF DISCLAIMER: You may now start reading/eating again, the rest of this post is safe, heh.

Anyhow, there's some good news on the horizon.

a.) I got a cost of living raise - while everyone else is struggling to hold on to their jobs or they're being laid off left and right... I'm actually making more money now than I ever have in my life. It's not much, but let me tell you what - it's a fuckload next to the guy that doesn't have a job anymore, so... my job might not be "glamorous", but Goddamn if I don't have a good-paying job... hell, a job, heh. I can't complain. Even if the above-mentioned scenario happens.

b.) I kin haf kitteh! Basically I'm one step from adopting a fabulous cat from the Feline Rescue Assocation - her picture is here. Her name's Dandy Lion, and I think I'm honestly going to keep the name - it smacks of slight cleverness. Lizzie from the FRA has been so lovely and gracious to me during this whole process. If you live in Maryland or thereabouts and you need a cat to warm your heart, feet and bed (and shouldn't everyone?), you should most definitely give the FRA a call - these are people that truly care about cats and their welfare and well-being. I can't wait to see her. :D

c.) I gave blood today, and let me tell you... my arm hurts like hell. But it's for a good cause. I have a rare blood type (antigen A, Rhesus negative, about 6-7% of the U.S. population has it) that's needed quite a bit, so that's more cause for "celebration", I suppose. Anyway, I got a thermal blanket and a couple of brownies out of the whole endeavor, heh, but I'd have done it for free. I know if I ever need a transfusion, it'll come back to me, you know what I mean?

d.) My computer is fixed once again - thanks so much, Ben (again, lol). Music stea... errr, acquiring shall be done this weekend.

e.) Tomorrow starts the weekend. Isn't that always a cause for celebration?

Things are beginning to pick up, for which I'm profoundly glad. We shall see what happens from here.

One note: my friend Kimberley's blog is now in the blogroll - read and enjoy. She has a fabulous layout. I wish I was that good. And more improvements are coming shortly.

Cheers.