Reflections on a quiet night.

It's Monday morning at 3:20am, which means that the neighborhood is dead quiet - not even a car rolling by, all I hear are the birds singing.  I have my window open, since it's late April and pretty nice out.  My husband is next to me, sleeping the sleep of the calm and happy (he's snoring, so I can tell, hah).  And I'm wide awake, since I actually fell asleep after my exercise session at the gym and got a good bit of rest.

Seems a good time to reflect upon recent events.

The truth is that there really isn't too much to say.  I've achieved most of what I've planned, so far.  I'm married now to a good man who loves me (and I must say that this second marriage is already a thousand times happier than my first, even after only a month).  I'll be graduating from college in three weeks, a feat that I never in my wildest dreams thought would happen, ever.  I've lost almost eighty pounds in two years, with more slated to come off as my exercise routine gets better, and stronger (and it is... more about that in a minute).  My three-year waiting period for the house ends in a week (you know, the 8k tax credit - I have to live here for three years in order not to have to pay that back to the government.  Once it ends, I can move and I don't owe anyone anything), so... if I want to move, I can (not that we're planning on it soon, but you know).

The only sour note is that I'm way behind in my finances.  I was hoping to have a lot more paid off than this.  Unfortunately, the bullshit with the legal case totally derailed that - but I'll eventually catch up.  I'm still not sure if I'm going to graduate school yet - it depends on the economy and whether sequestration will continue, etc.  So far, it doesn't look good - no one's even mentioned it coming to an end.  It may never come to an end, at this rate.

So that's up in the air.  But everything else, so far, is on track.

I was in the gym today, working out, and I was really getting into the routine - feeling the sweat pouring down my face and my body, which is normally a pretty icky feeling to me (and it's one of the reasons that I dislike working out, to be honest).  Today, though, I was reveling in it for some reason - then I started to notice that I would feel a little "nudge" in my legs - it was the feel of the excess fat/skin/whatever rubbing up against my leg.  It wasn't a lot (just so you all don't get grossed out, you know), but it was enough to motivate me to work out even harder.  It was like, "oh my God, you're nasty, go AWAY."  Know what I mean?

Suddenly, with each step I took, with each rotation on that elliptical, it was like I was saying "fuck you" to everyone who had ever told me that I was worthless, grotesque, ugly.  It was a constant "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you."  (Yes, I'm actually kind of laughing thinking about that.)  But it was incredible.  I worked out so hard today, almost 700 calories burned in one session, which for me is insane.

Yes, I'm a beginner.  But for some reason... I think this time it's going to stick.  There was a time where I did it to make an impression on others - this time, this shit is for me, because I don't have anyone I need to impress.  My husband loves me whether I'm obese or not - he's proven that.

This time, it's for me.  This time, I'm saying "fuck you" to the ones that never believed in me.

The music helps.  I've been working on my mp3 collection (yes, again, I'm so freaking obsessive, that's NEVER changed about me), so I've had to use Slacker Radio for workouts.  Oddly, they've come up with stuff I never knew about and that I'm seriously digging.  The song below is one of my newer favorites:



I marvel at how far I've truly come.

I wonder sometimes, only sometimes, what those who put me down before would think of me now.  I wonder sometimes if I'm strong enough to confront those that have tried so hard to see me in the ground, either figuratively or literally.  But, to be honest... that wondering only extends to what I would do if I saw them again.  I'm vindictive enough to laugh in their faces.

Anger is a powerful, powerful motivator.  But...  in the end, you know what?  It's only useful when it helps me.  I don't think about it beyond that.

I think I'm going off into a tangent now, so I'm going to stop here.  But... my life is good.  It's getting better.  It's going to keep getting better.

:)

Word of the week: discursive. (Snicker.)

In all honesty, I'm really feeling way too tired to post anything tonight. There's been a lot going on, though, as usual. It's funny how my life's turned from a slow-motion, depression-filled drag to one that's almost warp-speed and full of action. Is it bad to say that I actually long for a bit of ... well, I guess that "calm" isn't really the word I'm looking for, but perhaps I could use "dilatoriness" instead. (Hah... now who's the vocabulary vixen, Mr. Greg? Lawl.)

I was ruminating over my upcoming "end of year" post, thinking about everything that's happened to me since January. To be sure, this has been one hell of a wild year, and I'm sure that the last month and a half will be no different. In truth, I don't think I really want it any other way. After the last six years of pain, depression, sadness and tears.... I welcome everything that has happened to me in the last six months.

That is going to be one long-assed post, let me tell you.

So, a quick fill-in on everything that's happening:

- My (should be) final orthopedic appointment is tomorrow morning. The doctor will check out my wrist, but in all honesty, there's really nothing more he can do for me. My wrist is as healed as it's going to be. There's still some pain in the arm, a bit of stiffness, but there's not much I can do except live with it. I can use my arm again, I can write and type and lift things (though heavy items are still kind of unknown - I haven't pushed myself that far yet - once the doctor tells me for sure that the bones are healed, I'll try that out when I get the opportunity). That's all I can ask for.

- I dropped a heavy can of tomatoes on my big toe, and over the last few weeks, the nail's been slowly coming off - bit by painful, bloody, nasty bit. It finally fell all the way off tonight. Eeeeww. That's all there is to be said about that - just, eeeeww.

(This has NOT been a good year for me, medical-wise, unfortunately.)

- OB appointment went fine. There was a minor issue, but nothing that is life-threatening or massive, and I am in the clear until next year. Unfortunately, that's the year the stupid mammograms and Pap tests start - and Dr. Lynch is insistent about it, sigh. For once, I have a really great OB, though; she's sensitive to the fact that I have issues with this whole thing. Thank Christ for Fed insurance, man - I have the best doctors I could ask for.

Considering that I spent 20+ years abusing my body and never seeing doctors, ever, for anything - I'm amazingly healthy.

School is going well. The film class is a real blast - I love it. I get to watch movies with Greg on the weekends, which is not only accomplishing homework, but it's great bonding time as well. I love cuddling up with the Mister and watching the old black and whites or a good action film. I couldn't ask for a better way to do homework. :) The public policy class is, as I thought, boring, but it's flexible as far as class assignment dates (so far) and that helps. I've only had one grade so far in there, but it's a 90, so I can't be too upset about that.

I am seriously, seriously considering going on for a master's after I graduate. I know, it means spending more money in loans - but what the fuck? What do I have to lose? At UMUC I can also get a dual degree - an MS in crim management and an MBA at the same time - it's only 18 additional credits. Again - what the fuck? If it means I've accomplished something good, so be it, right?

I've also considered going for a health degree or certification as well, though. Time enough to think about that - I just want to get the B.S. done first.

It looks like I will, and very shortly, too. :o I'm amazed at myself, really...

Greg and I will celebrate 6 months together on the day after Thanksgiving. It's still as good as day one. The crunch, as we both tend to say, is still in the cookie. We've settled into a routine, the two of us, and while it's not all sunshine and roses (we both work an awful lot, and bad schedules at that)... it's a beautiful thing we've got.

I hesitate to let down my guard, or relax completely, not yet. But he's great for me. I hope that it's reciprocated.

And so concludes another update of my boring, yet queerly interesting at the same time, life. I look back on old entries - a year, 2 years ago at this time - and it's like a different person wrote them. Another world. Another life. Was that really me?

This new world of mine feels good. Really good. :)

A bit of catching up to do.

This is the last weekend I have "off" before school starts, and in truth, I'm excited to get started again. I've been bone-idle way too long.

I made a major decision over the course of the week to change my minor from forensics to women's studies - which is striking some people as "quite odd", especially since I've often said that I despise women, can't stand them, etc. In truth, I think that it's the sociological aspect that turns me off, especially regarding my generation. It's a throwback to the 1950s, where women were all about their husbands/boyfriends and their kids - both aspects that I cannot relate to in the slightest. I once read a book called "Tripping the Prom Queen" that described the rivalry of women and how they compete (especially for the attention of men). It only confirmed exactly what I've always thought - there is no such thing as a "sisterhood". The second you show any interest in what women consider "their man", the claws come out and the friendship is all over. Even I've done it. Bee-eff-eff, my fat ass.

I've just never had any interest in "competing" for any man - if a person doesn't want to be with me or spend time with me, fuck them. They miss out, not me. (Although it's taken years, decades, for me to get to that point. I don't kid myself on that score.)

So why women's studies? Partially because it relates to me in that I'm a woman, of course - but also, because I want to know more about my own gender, and what makes us do these stupid fucking things we do. It's also because I actually started to relate to the female convicts down at work - I started seeing life through their eyes, started to realize that a lot of the reason why they were in trouble to begin with is because they have little to no self-esteem. They don't believe in themselves or their potential. And isn't that where I was, at one time? Where I still am, in some ways?

I don't fool myself that I can make these womens' lives better. But I can at least understand, or relate in some way. I can offer empathy, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. I know how they feel, in a lot of respects, in that they don't have anyone to listen to them, or that cares what happens to them.

Perhaps I do have a minute shred of compassion left in this hardened heart of mine.

With the minor change, as of the spring semester (2012), I'll only have 47 credits left before I graduate. At 12 credits a semester (a lot heavier than it has been, but I want this over with, to be honest), I'll be done by fall of next year. Even I can't believe it's true, in a way. I've come very far since my first panicked post that I had enrolled in school.

Oh, how far I HAVE come. :D

Alternate work schedule (AWS) starts this week. Basically my day is now nearly 10 hours instead of 9, but I get Wednesdays off every 2 weeks, which will help me out for things I have to do (like grocery shopping, deliveries, running errands, etc.). I don't know how it'll work out - I'm bone tired as it is - but I've agreed to try it out. It's not as if I'm really there any longer than I am now. What's another hour a day? And this week will be particularly sweet, as I only work Monday, Tuesday and Friday - I have jury duty on Thursday (not that I'll be selected, due to the break-in amongst other reasons), my AWS day falls this week, and then a long weekend for Memorial Day, which will be perfect for me to begin the semester with.

Despite all of the additional expenses because of the break-in, I'm actually all right, financial-wise. It's higher than I want it to be, but isn't everything? And I've decided that my federal tax refund will apply toward my bills, once again, so it'll all wash out in the end. I'll be a lot careful this time around not to run things up - of course, I've said that before, but this time I'm really going to try.

Last but not least... I received another Email from that guy that wrote me back around the holidays last year. That's the one that disappeared for months, then wrote again saying he was "thinking about me". I haven't really gone to much effort to write him, because I'm still ticked off about that - if someone's interested in you, a 4-month-long disappearance isn't the way to show it. But, eh, I guess I'm the flavor of the moment or something. Whatever. I'll play along - I don't have much else to do.

And that's about it. What an exciting life I lead, huh? :p

More later.

Leave me alone.

I’ve been debating on whether or not to write another post, or indeed even continue with this blog at all. It seems a douchebag move not to, I guess, but circumstances have happened over the last few months where I’m starting to feel more and more uncomfortable with certain people knowing my thoughts or feelings. That’s bad, really, as it’s a move away from the sociability that I wanted. However, it could also be a sign that I’m starting to turn away from the situations and the patterns that made me the person I was, if one wants to approach it from a positive view.

So much has changed in the last six months for me. And I’ve not been coping well with any of it. But, as usual, the decisions have been taken out of my hands, and I’m left to deal with whatever fallout comes. I’ve been very much alone ever since I moved to this house, mostly by choice. I find that I grow more and more comfortable with hiding away as the days pass. Sure, I still cry a lot. But it’s easier to deal with my crying alone than to attempt to explain to anyone why – because inevitably, no one ever understands. At least I sort of get why things are as they are, and it’s comforting that I never have to explain anything to myself.

Guess that I’m also just putting off “leave me alone” vibes toward everyone, too. I go about my daily activities, and I watch people and the world from a disinterested, detached point of view, it seems. Back in my little glass box, I guess. It’s as if I’m a ghost, not really there, invisible. Some might find that sad, I suppose. I certainly see where it is. But it’s the only way I’ve ever found to cope that has ever worked for me. And now I have no reason to try to be any other way.

In the meantime, people are moving on with their lives. Getting married, having children, graduating from school…. moving on. I’m still the same as I ever was.

There’s more that I want to say, but as I stated earlier, I’m kind of uncomfortable now with sharing it. Perhaps there’ll come a time where I’ll feel better about things, but right now isn’t it.

I don’t want to hear anything about how I’ve been avoiding people. I know that already, it would be stating the obvious, and I have my reasons. I need a sabbatical from people, from situations, from drama, from life. I am perfectly fine and happy doing what I must do, and being left alone for the rest of the time. When I’m ready to peek out of the shell that I’ve retreated into, I will. Until then, I can’t be forced out, nor will I be. If I’ve been avoiding you, there’s a reason why, and I will request that you don’t take it personally, because it’s not based on that. If you don’t understand my request, I guess you’ll just have to live with that, because I’m not going to explain the reasons to you. Re-read this post and maybe you’ll get it.

I’ll eventually come out of this. I always do. But trying to force me won’t work.

It’s been a long, tiring thirteen years. I need time alone.

End of discussion.

A mish-mash of jumbled thoughts all wrapped into one pretty package.

I've been snowed in over here for the last week. Haven't had to work or deal with drug addicts or urine for nearly 7 days now. However, during the course of this massive storm, I've had to check every day for the operating status of the gubmint - there's a special website we go to in order to know whether we're open or closed - and in the course of reading several federal-related blogs, I've come across sentiments like these below:

"Those of us who work for a living are honored to support your lazy butt staying in bed...it isn't as if you woulda done anything had you been there!

Yep, what we need is bigger Government!"

(Taken from The Federal Eye, 2/10/09)

Or...

"The federal workers who had a day off today should have been required to shovel snow."

Or this little gem here...

"The Federal Government -- great "work" (and I'm using that term very loosely-- if you can get it. For us poor schmucks out in the occupied provinces who have to pick up the tab, it's not so good."

Okay. This is all I've got to say about this bullshit above -

1.) I'd telework if I could do so, but it's a little difficult taking urine over the Internet. If anyone's got a way to do this, bring it on and let me know, because I'd have rather worked than spent this entire week snowbound at home. It's not like I could get out of my house, anyway.

2.) The Washington Metro subway isn't running. Neither are the MARC trains. What do people expect me to do, walk from Baltimore? It's not happening. I can't even get down to Calvert Street, never mind D.C. If the public transportation doesn't run, neither do I. You tell me what to do, should I hang on to the back of a fucking snowplow?

3.) If you had to work all this week in a snowstorm, blame your employer - not me. I don't set your hours. If it were up to me, I'd let everyone have a free week off, pay you, the whole deal. This wasn't a vacation for me. I spent 3 out of the last 7 days going stir fucking crazy in this house - I know I've had at least one depressive attack, if not more. So as far as I'm concerned, those who are complaining can shove it up their asses.

This has been the biggest snowstorm.. well, ever. This is unprecedented. We here in Baltimore/D.C. are not used to this bullshit, this isn't Minnesota. People should not expect us to know what to do in a situation like this, because it's never happened. We just have no clue about how to cope.

In other news... I'm upset about my checking account. Some company on the Internet decided to pluck my debit card number out of thin air and run 320 dollars' worth of charges on my account. That was pretty much my entire paycheck for the next 2 weeks, so I'm needless to say furious. I've disputed the charges, of course, but since this is my checking account, I literally have no money until the next payday. In some ways, I'm lucky that I didn't have to work this week, because I'd be in serious trouble if I had. My debit card is my lifeline, literally, and the fact that I had to cancel it, that is also a source of fury. I knew that number backward and forward to the point where I didn't even need the actual card itself. Now I have to memorize a whole new number - good luck with that.

I'm working it out, but in the meantime I'm fucked. I will say one thing - do not, do not, do not do any business with a place called Digital River - they're somewhere in the wilds of fucking Minnesota. Apparently they handle some antivirus shit. I don't need such services, so I know damned well these charges are unfuckingauthorized. But I'll get it taken care of. I've reported them to the BBB, too. Let's see how they enjoy that little piece of news.

I did, however, pay off a good chunk of my debts this week. I'm not sure of how much credit-to-debit ratio I have now, but I know it's under 40%. That's good. That's VERY good.

Anyway, hopefully they'll clear these streets up soon so I can get out of here for a while. I don't really want to go back to work, but if they do call open tomorrow, it'll be okay - it's Friday. Won't be much going on.

No word on the crim grades yet. Doing well in the math course, surprisingly. And the IFSM is disgustingly easy. So far.

Okay, that's it for now. Nothing else doing.

At last, an update and time to write it!

I'm still trying to unpack and get my life back to a sense of normalcy, but it's slowly coming together. I absolutely love my new place, as well as the neighborhood that it's in. The walk to the train station in the morning is a whopping ten minutes - a huge improvement from the old 2.5 hour commute from Towson and back every day. There's also a sense of... I don't know, excitement in this place that wasn't present in the suburbs. I'm just not a person that can tolerate anything but city living, I suppose. In any case, I'm very happy at this point. I'm discovering new places to hang out, so that's always a plus.

I note with delight that it's raining out, as well. Always a win.

If I still haven't answered your mail yet, don't panic - it'll happen. There are a few people that have written me in the past couple of weeks that I'm... debating on whether to answer, to be honest. Have you ever had a situation where someone from your past has written you and you just weren't sure if you wanted to invite that person back into your life? So it goes with me. It's not that I hold ill will towards said person, but.. I met them at a time where I wasn't doing very well in my life (the depression was in full force at that point), and I don't know if I want to open up a can of worms, so to speak. I'm debating. Maybe I'll answer them, I could always use more friends in my life, but... I don't know.

It's something I need to think over.

So much for a lengthy update, heh, but there's really not much else to discuss at this point. Work is fine (for a change), school is fine (for now), my health is fine (and hopefully will continue to be so). Miss Dandy is also doing well, after a difficult transition period - she's forgotten all about the Towson apartment, which is a good thing.

Guess I'll just listen to the rain and be happy. I'm such a boring person, I know, but... you know, I find that what might bore other people is peace to me. And after all that's happened to me in my crazy-ass life, I need peace more than anything, know what I mean?

More later, if I feel up to it.

Finally an update.

Things have been too crazy as of late for me to write, but I'm finally getting a bit of a breather. I'll be glad when I'm finally moved and not have to spend that extra 3 hours commuting to and from work each night. It's not much longer now, maybe a week or two. I'll be glad to get back to the city where I belong. Towson's... okay. It's not great, it's not bad, but it's too far from "the action", for me.

Work has begun to slowly improve. The dumb bitch that was supposedly leaving was still there this week, but I think that's finally over because her desk is bare and there was a bunch of shit piled on top of it. Her computer's been cleared out, too - I did a little cursory check - so hopefully that's it and I'll never have to see her again. One can only hope. The new girl is a lot easier to work with. Nicer, too. And we're getting another new female in on Monday - hopefully she's just as easy to work with. We'll see.

Now if I could get rid of the other one - the stupid one. But we'll see.

I have a lot of classwork this weekend, but I'll get around to it. Classes are going all right, I guess. I passed that crim paper with an astonishingly high grade, but I can't let my guard down in this class... my previous grades were just not that good. So... we'll see.

I know, this isn't much of an update, really. Things haven't changed that much. But I figured that I'd "check in", so to speak. Once I get moved, I'll have a lot more time to do things.

Oh, joy and excitement.

We now have an RSS feed. Thanks, Feedburner!

Subscribe if you like. :p

'cracked.' is now mordacious.org.

I finally "gave in" to the pressure and bought a domain name for the blog, what the hell. I cancelled my old domain from the IRC channel that I once had a hand in, and since blogging now seems to be my new "passion", so to speak... well, heh, what the hell x 2. :p

If you don't know what 'mordacious' means, look it up. I've been told that it's very fitting for both the blog and my personality in general. I wanted the dot-com, of course, but some California goth band apparently has it - and dot-net is some stupid whiny blog about an engaged couple named Calleah and Mike and how they met and all of the absolutely boring details, heh. With "his-and-hers" points of view, yet! Can we say "retch", boys and girls? I thought so! :p

Also, I've changed the "numbers" underneath the blog header. Yes, they mean something. If you don't know binary, though, or how to read it... you won't know what it means. Hint, though: It's something I say a lot. :p

Work continues on the blog. I've lost all of my "most-read" links for some reason, but they'll be restored in time. Patience, my lovelies.

Anyhow. Not much is going on but work and sleep, work and sleep, jump on the train, work and sleep. Meh. That's bad when you already feel like you need a vacation and you're on the job a grand total of eight weeks, hah. I really was looking up vacation sites earlier today - I have a 4 day weekend coming up in January thanks to Inauguration Day and I'd love to just take off somewhere if I can afford it. Maybe I'll have a look around - Western Maryland might appeal again, it'll be the dead of winter and if it snows, it'll be gorgeous. We'll see.

I'm still around, though, and I'll write more over the weekend, as usual. I have bowling on Saturday night - my schedule is rapidly filling up, the next 3 weekends are booked solid with something going on.

It's like going to Sydney somehow opened up a whole new, entirely different life for me. I'm so glad that I went now - I really am. My life's changed for the better in most respects, but I still have pieces of my old life with me - and they've changed for the better as well.

For the most part, despite my bitching and grousing - I'm happy. :)

Internet tomorrow... yay.

Heh. I'm feeling a little better, I guess. I'm just sick of being cut off, I think - I never really knew how much I had depended on the 'net for.. well, really, everything. My bills are soooo behind right now - and why? Because I don't get them mailed to me anymore... that's right... they're on the 'net, heh.

At least I'm not down to Pringles cantennas (although I'll be honest... I'd been contemplating it. Heh).

Anyway. Verizon had better have their shit together.... I so mean that shit. I'm going nuts here.

Still without communcation - for now.

I'm reduced to using the public library to get Internet because Verizon STILL doesn't have their shit together. This coming Tuesday is now the deadline (more like excuse) they're giving me. Meh. I seem to recall a long, angry diatribe about this a couple of years back when I settled into my new apartment (now old apartment)! Some of you might even remember it, heh.

I have a lot to tell about the job, and about the move, everything, but the limited time that they give you at the library just isn't really enough - and for some reason I feel a little weird if I'm not in the comfort of my own home. Stupid? Perhaps, but I'm set in my ways, I guess. Jesus, that's how you know you're getting old!

Anyway, I WILL be back - and with FioS as well. I hear tell it's a lot faster than
Comcast. We'll see about that, but I can't wait, heh.

I miss my Internet! :'(

Meh!

No Internet access for a while due to my moving, so don't freak out just because you haven't heard from me. I promise, as soon as I can bitch to Verizon about how they're incompetent fucks (again, I have a long reminder post about this from a couple of years back, heh), I will do just that.

My new job with the gubmint is crazy-making. And I will tell all about THAT when I have a few minutes to myself. As it is, the public library doesn't give you a shitload of time to do anything. Thank Christ that I can type fast.

Anyway. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Will update when I have time. Deal. :p

Counting down to the last days.

I only have 48 or so more hours here in Sydney, and I can say that this has truly been "the trip of a lifetime". Would I come back for another visit? You'd better believe I will, even if it takes forever to get here. I don't think that I'd ever visit this place in summer, though - 40+ Celsius temperatures are just a bit too much for me to handle. However, my next "target", so to speak, is Europe. I do want to visit the U.K. and Ireland, both places where my ancestors supposedly came from (my mother's side is from Devon in the south of the U.K., my father's side from northwestern Ireland, County Sligo - you know, the black marshes and shit, heh). But that'll be some time away, as I now owe a fuckload of money, pretty much. I still have to settle this shit with the stuff from D.C. - they unbelievably "gave my job away" while I was out of the country and they're supposedly upset about it. Uhhuh. Whatever. This is why I didn't pin any hopes on this shit, but... it still hurts.

I didn't really get a lot of pictures here - I guess I was just too excited to take a lot, and my Powerhouse Museum shots have seemingly disappeared into the void - which I truly am upset about. But we'll see what happens. I still have a couple of places to go before this trip is done, so I'll get what I can.

I attended a fabulous concert last night at The Basement here in Sydney, and saw Tina Harrod - she's fabulous! I've been slowly getting into jazz and slow 'night' style music, and let me say this - this woman will not disappoint by any means. I think one of my favorite tracks was 'C.C. Rider' - the heart and soul that she put into that track was unbelievable! She also did Portishead covers (I think that was a lot of her influence, tell the truth), Beatles covers... her range is impressive. It's a shame that she's not known in the States - she should be. She doesn't appear to have a website (it's down), but ABC Australia has a link here - go listen! Now! I command you! :D

I do have a rant, however, concerning the concert, and it has nothing to do with the music, or the performance - no, they were first-rate. This has everything to do with... my shoes. Yes, my shoes.

I purchased a beautiful pair of black and silver accented 'ballet flats' shortly before I came to Sydney. Indeed, I even bought them a size too large so that they'd fit comfortably. They're Dr. Scholls - a name well known in America for quality, comfortable footwear and foot products. Don't believe me? Have a look for yourself - it's all right here.

So I'm wearing these shoes, and suddenly my feet are pinching in the toes - this is not a normal place for shoes to pinch, if they're going to - normally all of the discomfort is going to come from the heel. Not these motherfuckers. Oh, no! I ended up standing at The Basement in my bare feet because these shoes pinched so badly that I couldn't even stand in them!

You should have seen me trying to walk back to the apartment. Ladies and gentlemen, a walk that would normally take me 5 minutes to complete in tennis shoes took me 45 minutes to walk - in bare feet. That's right, I walked the mean streets of Sydney at 12:45 in the morning - in wintertime, yet - in my bare toes. I only thank Christ that Sydney's sidewalks are practically clean enough to eat off of, because if this were Baltimore my feet would have been minced meat by the time I got back.

And the final insult? It says right on the shoes - "feel crazy good". Uh, right, my fat ass. If your idea of feeling crazy good is to have your feet pinched just standing in a pair of flats, then honey, this is your brand. I expected better from Dr. Scholls, who have a fucking reputation to protect.

Fuck you, Dr. Scholl. I bet your ass isn't a real fucking M.D., anyway. I bet you're one of those quack motherfuckers that sold cocaine as a wonder drug in the 1890s. Dickhead.

Now that my rant is over... I'm going to enjoy some stir-fry, and unfortunately start packing. I'm going to miss this place, very much. But it's time to get going on what is... well, left of my life, I guess.

An update on that dead body in front of my apartment.

Apparently the guy DID commit suicide. Sad.

Link here.

I'm still alive, I swear to Gawd. :D

I've been too busy to blog, really, but I'll just write down a few quick points so that I'll know to expound upon them later on. Really, I have a feeling that no one's going to get the 'low down' until I get home, but I will say this much -

- Tricky was fucking awesome in concert. If you don't know who he is, you must make it a point to find out. And the Metro Theatre in Sydney is also in the category of 'fucking awesome'. It reminds me of Rams' Head at home.

- Chicken-flavored potato chips are also 'fucking awesome'. As are Violet Crumbles. I'm going to bring a fuckload of those home and freeze them because I know I'm not going to be able to get those anytime soon, heh.

- TimTams and Burger Rings do NOT mix. Do not eat those at the same time - you will get sick. Guaranteed.

- I am reminded that blaxploitation movies are indeed the shiznit.

- It is cheaper to do your own stir-fry at home than to go out. Though I WILL get to a Vietnamese restaurant here before I leave. Bank on that.

- Two weeks just isn't enough to spend in Sydney. You need a month. Maybe two.

- My Australian friends are right. 'Neighbours' SUCKS ASS. :o

- I was reminded of home briefly when a dead body turned up right outside my apartment building. I was locked in here for several hours. I'm getting everything from "run over by a bus" to "jumped off a building", but the Australian news has nothing. Meh. I've been assured that this is not a common happening here.

Those, for now, are the highlights. More pictures are on the way, though I can't seem to find the ones I took at the Powerhouse Museum, and if I lost those I'm going to be mad as shit, because those were GOOD.

Promise, more details later. Honest. It's hard to keep the wifi going here. Goddamn Australian bureaucracy. :D

Starting to settle in.

I'm on day 6 (technically) of my trip, and I'm beginning to calm down from the absolute wonder and awe of just being here. I'm feeling much better physically, and I've been starting to get out and about, exploring the city. This is a marvelous place for exploration, I've found. There's so much to take in and see!

Some brief observations that I've experienced:

- The place is gorgeous - lots to see and do, and everything that you could possibly want or need is contained just in the CBD - never mind the rest of the city! I went on a short tour of the music/book/DVD stores here in the central district yesterday, and I was more than impressed. There's literally something here for everyone. I've actually so far only explored a tiny fraction of this place, and I'm already well satisfied with what I've found.

- The people here seem to fall into two categories - either they're beyond nice and can't do enough to see that you're happy and well satisfied... or they're rude as fuck and just have some nasty attitudes toward life in general. Example of this? I was at a small takeaway yesterday in a food court (I'll get to that) and there were a lot of people at the tables, we had to wait for a table. Well, a table finally emptied out, but this dumb bitch just.. left her trash on the table - the takeout bag, the half-empty soda can, all of it. I'm sorry, but to me, that's fucking rude. Especially when you know there's people waiting to sit down right where you were - how hard is it to walk all of 30 feet and throw your refuse away? I mean, really, that goes beyond rude. I wish I'd have said something, and I would have if she hadn't just disappeared that fast. Fucking rude, nasty bitch. If she does that shit out in public, I can't imagine what her house looks like.

Anyway. Where was I, lol.

- The food. I must say something about the food here in Sydney - it's much more healthy in my opinion than in America. I mean, you can get more or less the same shit here as there, but... there seems to be a lot more things infused with flavor, know what I mean? Everything in America seems so bland by comparison. Example: the same restaurant as referenced above, they have something called a Bondi Burger (for those of you who want to know, it's Oporto's and it's fucking awesome) - it's a grilled chicken filet, lettuce, a little mayo, cheese and chili sauce. Now... this chili sauce nearly blew me away - seriously. It was hot, spicy, flavorful, and absolutely fucking wonderful. In America, you're not even going to get this. Our idea of 'flavorful' is minced onion, heh. And unbelievably, Oporto's here is considered 'fast food'! Jesus. If the people in Sydney got a hold of what we considered 'fast food', they'd quite rightly laugh at us....

Things are very, very, very expensive here. A 24 ounce bottle of diet Coke here can range anywhere from 2 to 4 Australian dollars - which is STILL a huge markup from American prices. It really depends on what you buy here, I think. My last grocery bill was all of 10 dollars AUD. Produce and vegetables are very expensive. Meat is cheap, especially steak and lamb. Chicken is expensive. Bread, it depends. Dairy is very expensive - you'll pay dearly for yogurt and milk. And things are labeled here quite differently from things in America. Ketchup here isn't "ketchup" - it's "tomato sauce". Diapers aren't called diapers, they're "nappies". And you'll have to really study the labels on the shelves to know what you're buying!

- Television here is quite interesting. They seem to love recycled American shows, oddly - but there are also some very great choices here for individualized, culturally significant programming. The SBS network here seems to be the best option for people such as myself. I will say that I've watched more television here in the nearly 6 days I've been here than I have in the last three years, hah.

- Women do not seem to wear anything approaching tennis shoes here. I've seen all of two women wearing sneakers - one of them being myself. It seems mainly to be very high heeled boots or dress shoes, nothing else. Actually, the men don't seem to either for all of that - they seem to like loafers or dress shoes. This city, from what I've noticed, seems to be very fashion-conscious, although that could just be because I'm in the downtown district and therefore I'd be exposed to it. I'm sure I stick out like a sore thumb here.

- People drive to the left here, which I had expected to see, but at the same time it's a bit of a shock to actually watch put into practice. It's strange, but I'm actually used to it now and I even can see some of the benefits of it. Every street has "Look Left/Right" painted on the corners to assist us ignorant Americans so that we don't get gobsmacked by a Holden running down the road. :D Also, it's strange, but the pedestrians here seem to do the same thing - you stick to "your side" of the sidewalk, and they do not take it kindly if you just walk "all over the place".

- I've seen all of 3 black (African-descent) people since arriving in Sydney. I've been assured that they do live here, but you would not know it by looking in the streets. There are, however, a LOT of Asian people here. Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Thai, Korean - you name the Asian country, they're here. The cuisine also reflects that - I've never seen so many restaurants in my life with Oriental food. I'm in heaven :D I keep forgetting that I'm technically in the Asia-Pacific Rim, really, and when I do remember, it hits me as to just how far away I really am!

- The weather is mercurial, to say the least, at least at this time of year. It was raining pretty heavily for the first few days I was here, it's started to even out about now. I can definitely see it being VERY hot here in the summertime, as I haven't needed anything more than a hoodie to keep myself warm (it's wintertime here right now, unbelievably). There have been some points where I've had to leave the balcony door open because it's been too hot in here!

I haven't seen much of the 'touristy' type places as most would, but then this isn't my style anyway, as most whom know me are aware. I've been to the Sydney Aquarium (I highly recommend it, by the way), and I'm going to the Taronga Zoo sometime this week. Also, I'll be attending the Tricky concert on the 30th here, as well as a fabulous jazz show at the Basement the night before. I'm so looking forward to it!

Today I'm probably going to do a bit of cleaning up, as I need to do laundry and tidy up in here. It hasn't even been a week here yet! This vacation is going a little slower than I expected, but I'm glad of that. I'm really enjoying myself.

For those of you who have access to my Facebook profile (and most of you do), I've posted some of the pictures into a new album there temporarily. I know that some of them need cleaning up and I will do just that when I get home, as I don't have a photo manip program with me here. But do enjoy them. I wish that I had the ability to be more descriptive, but truly, Sydney's one of these places that you just have to see for yourself. :D

I'm having so much fun. I really am!

Back in full force. Yay!

I haven't been too verbose as of late, but I've been feeling really rotten, if you want to know the truth. The heat's getting me down, I'm physically tired due to whatever bullshit is wrong with me, and I'm slowly attempting to clean, get this place together before I head out of here. 2 weeks and some days, and counting! Goddamn! :o

I managed the last of the laundry, so there isn't even one piece of clothing in this house that isn't clean. Yay! I'm going to miss my washer and dryer when I leave here - the new apartment has laundry buildings, which sucks ass - but I'll manage. After all, I'm the one that used to have to climb over 5 feet of brush and weed every time I wanted to wash clothes in Georgia. And oh my God, it did no good, it still smelled like swamp mud anyway. Blech. I'm so glad that I don't live there anymore, you all have no idea, heh...

Otherwise, things are about the same. I wanted to do a Friday music thingie, but I was just too sick. I think Friday was probably the worst day out of the week. I have a really, really busy week coming up, though - I'm supposed to go out tomorrow and pick up the last of what I need for Sydney - sunglasses, a DVD case (because the one I ordered from eBay never showed up, the fuckheads), shoes, etc. I think I'm going to take my contacts, though I haven't worn them in years. But, eh... my specs are in such bad shape. I should really go to the eye doctor, I know. Maybe when I get back...

Then I have my doctor's appointment on Thursday. I've never been so fucking eager to go to the doctor in my life - I hate them, hate them, hate them, so that ought to tell you something's wrong for sure.

I also have to run up to the apartment place this week. And go back to Medix to sign some stuff. Meh, no rest for the weary this week, eh?

Still looking for a way to showcase my trip on here instead of opening up another useless blog - silly. I'll figure something out.

Ah, well. Back to scrubbing my shower. Isn't my life just exciting as shit? :p

It's Friday. Hot damn. Or maybe warm.

A few things on my mind today...

I had a conversation with my mother today (and I try to keep those as short as possible, considering that she and I don't get along all that well - she's family and I love her despite everything but she has a good way of making me feel like shit) about various things - and for some reason, it always comes back to my brother. No matter what I talk about, everything comes back to my brother, his life, how he feels, what he's doing, what my sister-in-law's doing, etc. etc. etc.

Now, before I get accused of being called an ungrateful bitch (which I'm almost certain some would say), I have to explain this about my brother, okay - he's 42 years old, he's married to a woman that is more or less a quadraplegic - can't walk, in a wheelchair, she has a brain tumor and has problems, I understand that. He does not work. His job is taking care of her and making sure that she's comfortable. Again, I understand that. It's a lot of work and a lot to take on.

But, here's the thing. I always hear about how rough my brother has it, about how they have no money, about how little sleep he gets, etc. I feel horrible for saying this, but - so the fuck what?

First of all, they live in the fucking Virgin Islands. I'm sorry, but they can't be that far in debt if they spend Christ-knows-how-much-money to custom-build a house in the Virgin Islands - they lived in Northern Virginia before they moved. Now, for those who are in the know - Northern Virginia is not a cheap place to live. It's a part of metro Washington D.C. Go look up housing prices in those areas - that'll tell volumes that I can't here. If they spent all of their money building a house in the Virgin Islands - whose fault is that? And they have to fly to Puerto Rico every two weeks for her medical treatments. How intelligent was this decision?

They originally claimed that they moved to the V.I. because it was warm. I'm sorry, I no longer buy that, because now they're moving to Michigan - and Michigan is not warm, no amount of words is going to make it so, heh.

Even if they no longer have a dime to their name - who had the bright idea to move to the islands in the first place? At the very least, one could say that someone didn't do their research too well. The Caribbean is expensive.

In the meantime, I'm struggling just to keep body and soul together. I'm trying to go back to school, I've taken crap jobs in the last year and a half and have had a fucking mental breakdown because of one of them - because I'm riding a bicycle and trying to catch a train and working overnights, etc. I landed in fucking Sheppard Pratt because I couldn't take any more pressure - and guess who's still paying the bills from that little episode? Do you have to look further?

Yes, right now I am unemployed and I'm more or less getting 'help' from my family. But first of all - I don't ask for it. I don't ask anyone for shit. I've gone so far as to sell things that were dear to me because I don't want anyone's help or assistance. Things don't matter to me, anyway, I've lost nearly everything I've ever cared about, so what's the difference? Second of all - why, why, why, why is it always about my brother? Why is his life that much more important? Every conversation I have with my family, it's about my brother. What his life's like, how hard he has it, etc. Well, goddamnit - don't I fucking count?

Is my brother here to help me as my mother gets older? Does anyone yell at him when he fucks up? If my mother has a fucking heart attack or falls down the stairs, will his ass be here to help? I didn't think so.

It's been this way ever since I can remember. I was constantly beaten up by his stupid girlfriend when I was a child because she just had to move in with us. "I was afraid for your brother", that's the reason I was given. That's the same reason that I was given when we had to move away from the neighborhood I spent my first years in, when I had to give up my education at a good (if brainwashing) parochial school, when I had to give up my friends, when I had to give up even my own space - his fucking whore had to share my bedroom while he had his own, after all, he's the "only boy" in the family, right?

When is it ever going to change? When is it not about him?

Heh, no worries, I swear to Christ I'm not having another attack. It just made me so angry when I talked to her today. For once I stood up for myself and said that I didn't want to hear it. She went on and on about my trip to Sydney as well, and I was angry - but calm. Basically I told her, "I don't want to hear it. I'm sorry that you disapprove of my trip, but I'm going and you're not going to stop me." I was shocked at how calm I sounded. But in truth? Heh. She just needs to, in Internet parlance, "STFU". I'm sick of hearing it.

I'm revamping the blog again today, but this should be the last time. If you want a link, just ask. I'll be more than happy to put it on. I've also decided that I'll do Mondays and Fridays for the music questions, as that's one of the few "memes" that I kind of like doing. Sorry for the multiple posts for a while, but I did delete a lot of shit - I think it was overdue, though. I had a lot of so-called "friends" on my profiles that I no longer associate with, so a fresh start is always good.

Cheerio.