A strangely pleasant day at the mental hospital!

Heh, no, I didn't get committed again. :p

I'm sitting outside here on the lawn at Sheppard Pratt with my notebook and Pandora.fm going, trying to relax. I just finished my first appointment (this one was with the pdoc), and am now waiting on my second (the therapist). It's gorgeous, cool weather out here, and I'm enjoying the quiet (well, relatively, anyway).

Soooo.... what did Mr. Doctor say?

Basically I'm now a walking hospital, heh. I'm still on Wellbutrin XL and the buspirone, but now he's added Abilify and Cogentin to the mix. Gah. It doesn't make me feel better that Abilify was originally prescribed for schizophrenia. -_- I'm trying this combination first, but if it doesn't work, I'll go to Zoloft. Another SSRI, sigh. But he says this one's not as bad as Paxil. I can only trust him and do what he tells me, but I'm getting weary...

One of the hardest things about seeing my doctors is the people that I see around me who are obviously so much more sick than I am. There was one lady that was sitting down next to me a few minutes ago that was crying and very upset... someone tried to talk to her and she was like, "leave me alone", practically screaming it. It takes me back to the days of being locked up in the ward... and it brings back some horrible memories of Miss Annie screaming as they took her away to the soft room in the straight jacket. :'( Or the girl named Dawn that was so beautiful... but believed that taking a bath would be the death of her, that a drop of water on her skin would cause her to die. Or Miss Carol, who has a loving husband and children, and six grandchildren... a big family... a huge family that visited her every single day in the ward... but she just pushed them all away and cried, day and night... never saying a word to any of them. Just tears. Lots and lots of tears.

It brings back such a dark time. I try not to hang around if I don't have to.

Otherwise, I'm doing as well as can be expected. Hopefully the Abilify will take the edge off of the ... there's no other word for it but mania, and I think that's why he prescribed it. The mood swings, anyway.

The woman's now screaming that she won't go back to that place, she won't go back to that place, she ran down to the edge of the lawn and there's a bunch of people strapping her into the gurney... maybe the same gurney I once rode on. It makes me so sad for her, for me. Because it could have been me. It could have been me... someday it might be me if I'm not careful. It scares me that I'm close to tears just hearing her scream. I don't know if that's because I share her insanity in some ways or if it's simple compassion. Maybe it's both.

That's the scariness of what this place is. Outside the landscape is beautiful... well groomed... pretty. Inside, however, lies madness, fear... pain.

It's a constant reminder that I never want to be back here - ever.

I started this post feeling positive and upbeat, but I now feel chilled to the bone, and scared. It's not a good feeling at all, and suddenly I just wish I were back home in my warm bed, relaxing and stress-free. No worries, I'm not even close to where she is now... and I thank whatever deity you believe in for that, trust me. But there's no doubt about it... I'm disturbed now. By what, I don't know... her behavior? Or my reaction to it?

I've had to put my coat on because I'm cold all of a sudden... and I was sweating to death in it when I walked here.

Sorry to end this post on a somewhat downbeat note, but... I can't help but be nervous and frightened by this woman, by her behavior, by the fact that I see myself in her. By the fact that except for the screaming and the running around... I was her, once. The pain is no different.

I'll be better by the time I get home. :)