Attention, Baltimore thugs: you didn't break me. Sorry.

I have to work this quarter's Saturday shift tomorrow, so I ended up with today off, which was actually a bonus for me. It allowed me to get some things done that I might not have otherwise. A lot of the mess that was in the house before the break-in has been cleared away/fixed, and as a result, my anxiety levels have plummeted.

I've temporarily hung up a colorful tapestry over the damaged wall where the television was, and I actually like the look of it so much that I just may leave it there permanently. I'm reconsidering even replacing the TV at all, to be honest - it was indeed an idiot box, just hanging there, wasting a lot of my valuable time where I could have been doing other things. Like, say, cleaning. Or actually eating breakfast in the morning, fixing my hair to go to work, that sort of thing.

I'm aware that the last sentence in particular sounded really awful, but I can't lie - all of it is true. I'd neglect simple things like taking care of myself (by eating a necessary meal) or trying to make myself look at least a little better (fixing my hair) because I'd sit on my sofa and just stare into nothingness, trying to fool myself into believing that I needed that time just to "wake up". But it's bullshit, you know. I was awake. Just not... "there". Does that make sense?

It's not as if I ever really "watched" the damned thing, anyhow. It was background noise to try and blot out the fact that if I don't make sound in here, it's utterly silent and desolate. Or is it? It's only desolate if I choose it to be so.

The only thing that truly hurt, I think, was the loss of my computer equipment - partially because I'd just purchased it and it was like throwing 800 dollars out the window, but also because what little entertainment I do choose to watch, most of it is on my computer (be it in the form of movies or TV shows on DVD or something similar). Other than that - screw it, what do I care, the thugs can keep all that shit. Really!

I've changed over most of my accounts now, but there seems to be very little fallout from the break-in itself, which is good news. The two computers that they'd taken (yes, they managed to steal both my new one and the broken one, sheesh), I don't think they're going to get very far. The new one had a fingerprint recognition feature on it that makes trying to access it useless, and the broken one's battery was dead and they neglected to take the charger to fire it up. Dumbasses. Still, I canceled my accounts and set up new ones, just to be safe. It's a good thing that the broken one's battery WAS dead, because that one literally had nearly all of my financial information on it. Lesson learned - I'll never do THAT again. It's back to paper and pencil for me when it comes to my finances.

I've actually learned a LOT of lessons from this incident. I've been way too lax with my own security for a good portion of my life - perhaps because I had the false sense of feeling "invincible". After all, this has never happened to me before; why would I ever think about such things? It's been hit home to me that I do, indeed, need to think about it. I'm a single woman living alone in Baltimore City; while the area of town I live in isn't a "slum", it's on the edge of one where there's still a huge amount of drug activity and crime. I should have thought about this a long time ago. But it's not too late to start now, and I've done exactly that.

I had a security system installed this week, and I'm planning on installing security doors for both the front and back of the house. I'm also considering motion detectors for the backyard, the side of the house, and even bars on the back windows (though I really don't want to go that far - I don't want to feel as if I live in a prison - but it may be necessary). I've also changed some personal habits in that I now shut the blinds at all times unless I'm physically in the room, as well as leaving some lights on at night, and turning different ones on and off. And as soon as I can pick up the old desktop computer that my mother offered me, I'm going to begin scanning personal financial documents and shredding all of the old paper copies. The scans will go on a portable hard drive that will probably be locked up in a personal safe (that of course will be bolted to the floor to prevent anyone from taking THAT).

Too much, you say? Yeah, it might be. I may not go THIS far, but I do think that some of the above ideas are good ones. I have to work with one thing at a time, of course, because I'm facing down some pretty expensive stuff in the next few weeks. My credit card bill has already swelled past the comfort level because of having to replace the computer and get the alarm system installed. Sigh.

But if it means I'll be safe in my own house, so be it.

The one thing that keeps running through my mind, though, is that I'm thankful that I'm alive and that I didn't walk in on these assholes that did this. Because I live in a city where someone will shoot you in the head for a pair of 60 dollar Nike tennis shoes. And, yet, I still love my little house in the city. I still enjoy being here. No one with a drug addiction - or for that matter, any issue - is going to take that away from me.

I've taken my house back. Now I'm taking my life back.

Tired (and somewhat depressive) rambling.

Can't sleep at the moment, so I figured I'd make a post and wait for these pain pills to kick in. Thank Christ for Excedrin PM, that's all I can say. This weekend hasn't been the best for me on either a physical or mental level, unfortunately. I ended up sleeping for most of the day today because I just... I don't know, the lethargy was overpowering and I didn't feel like battling it, to be honest.

There's a lot going on right now. I'm embroiled in a huge project at work where I more or less have to create a website for the department, and while I have the talent/ability/skill to do it, they're not giving me a lot of time to accomplish the job and I'm beginning to fall behind in not only this, but the other things they've asked me to do (not to mention my regular duties). I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and irritable. I don't even want to think about what might happen after school starts - what the fuck am I going to do then?

My notebook computer suffered a devastating fall on Friday afternoon, and the screen is useless, so I ended up having to spend 700 dollars on a new one - an expense that is very, VERY ill-timed. I was rather proud of myself for not completely losing control, but I'm sick inside about the whole thing. As usual, it just seems as if I can't win, no matter what I do.

Maybe I slept the entire day away as a form of escape. I don't know. I'm painfully aware that I'm still not very happy with my life, even though things have improved quite a bit.

When I went out on Friday night to get the new computer, I watched people walking around at the harbor with a sort of detached observation... and as usual, I felt out of place and alienated from what was going on around me. That, at least, hasn't changed. I find that as time goes on, though, it bothers me less and less.

Whenever I feel sad or lonely or even a quiet sense of desperation... all that I have to think of to snap me out of that mood is all of the failed relationships that have gone on before... or the last time that I tried to date someone. The last time that I tried to strike out in the romantic arena, I was violated. That's enough to make me feel more than glad to be alone. Sometimes I think that I'll feel that way for the rest of my life, but.... oddly, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it once did.

I simply don't want to be hurt anymore. If being alone is the price I have to pay for safety, for security... I will gladly pay it and be content.

Ah, hell, this is turning a bit toward the despondent, and I didn't mean it to be, as I'm not really depressed so much as lethargic and achy. Whiny, if you want to be blunt about it. :p As always, I'll probably feel better tomorrow or in a couple of days. I'm just laying here and hoping for sleep at the moment.

It's strange, because I've been eating the best I ever have these past few weeks (i.e., a lot of vegetables and fruit, not much meat, sensible portions, the "right things"), I've actually begun to lose a significant amount of weight, and yet... I feel like I've been spun dry in my Bosch, knocked around in a boxing ring, run over by a truck. It makes no sense. Perhaps my mind is fighting the progress that my body's experiencing, a psychosomatic response to the possibility of shedding the wall that I've been hiding behind for most of my life now. I know damned well that my weight is a hiding mechanism - no therapist has to tell me that.

The possibility of losing that mechanism is, apparently, too much for my cracked brain to handle.

I'm not giving up, though.

Anyway, enough of this complaining. Hopefully the Excedrin will do its job soon and I can get some shuteye.

Later.

Facebook "friends". How insidious. And how wrong.

This past weekend, I had found a person on Facebook that I had worked with at the computer store a long, long time ago... granted, it's been years, at least 15. So I send a request to be added onto his list... and he sends me a mail back. "Help me remember you." So I described my vitals, blah blah, who I am and how I knew him and all of that...well, apparently he remembered me - but didn't add me to his list, effectively snubbing me.

Now... even just a year ago, this so-called "rejection" would have had me doing the screaming meemies dance. People with depression, remember, don't see the world the same way that you do. I would have taken it as "the end of the world".

Today? Fuck 'em.

That's the thing about Facebook and similar social networking sites... they are so incredibly flawed as to whom to consider "friends". I have 118 people on my contact list, currently. One is family (my cousin). Three are very, very close friends, the best friends I have. Three more are friends that, while not extremely close, are close enough that I would consider a necessity in my life. The rest? Well... how well do I know them, or they me? A good deal of them are from either high school days (where no one knew anyone), or from my various places at work. So... 7 out of 118? See what I mean?

Facebook and the like shouldn't term people as "friends". I, with my social anxiety and depression, do not have anything close to 118 "friends". Maybe six if I'm lucky.

And for people like me - even for people like you, dear Reader - it's misleading. It's insidious, how places like this have taken over the landscape of the Internet, really. I see people at work checking their "eff-bees" constantly... "Oh, what did he say, what does she think?" Does it really matter? Do you have to be "on" 24 hours a day? I would think that would be more exhausting than just unplugging and chilling out, wouldn't you think?

I'm starting to move away from it, just as I have IRC, just as I have WinMX and the BBS scene. I've been there for all of it, and quite honestly... it was good but I wouldn't do it again. What for, when I've seen the best of what each has to offer?

So as far as I'm concerned, people can refuse my "friend" requests all they like - until you've been with me through the worst of times and have put up with me through all of the crap that I've dished out... until you know me as intimately as you know your own family... you're not anywhere close to a true "friend". You're an acquaintance. That's how it is. Stick around and I might be a friend - I'm a pretty open person despite my illness - but one request on a stupid social networking site does not a "friend" make. People wish it was that easy.

Because I'm classy (despite the fact that I say 'fuck' a lot), I won't name said ill-mannered douchebag. But I could.

Rant over.

My good mood persists.

Even though it's Sunday and therefore little time until the idiocy begins again, somehow I'm actually not minding as much as I have the last few weeks. Perhaps the Abilify has finally kicked in and is starting to work. Whatever the reason, I'm grateful for the respite.

Not really much to say today - it really is the definition of 'a lazy Sunday' - but maybe that's a good thing in my case, heh.

I've been thinking, but instead of thinking about negativity and how I'd like to slap people stupid... I've been thinking about perhaps making efforts to mend fences with people that I was angry with... and maybe shouldn't have been. It's going to take a lot to overcome my stubborn pride, but with time... perhaps. I need to think about it, as I told someone last night.

I really do feel good. I'm reveling in it - this is so rare for me.

On a side note, my Dell Mini is "still in production", but now the automated line is saying April 13th. I can't wait to get it.

Also, I'm finally getting around to cleaning up, fixing, and posting my pictures from Sydney. I know, I know, it took a year. Deal with it. :p More details as they're available.

Until next time, cheers.

P.S. Does anyone else find the guy holding the April sign in the human calendar on the sidebar just.... looks creepy as fuck? Maybe it's me...

Friends, strangers, the computer and other thoughts of no importance.

I'm getting ready to go to the movies, and while I was getting ready, I was letting my mind wander, as per usual. I noticed that a couple of people that I used to know had been perusing my last.fm profile, as well as some other places that I tend to frequent. Normally this wouldn't be of any importance to me, but that they were people that I once knew on a chat program that I used to use (translate: be an addict of), mIRC.

Now, what does this have to do with a goddamned thing, I'm sure you're thinking.

For almost 5 years, even before I moved back to Maryland, I was literally on IRC channels day and night, moving from network to network to network - and quite honestly, addicted to it. This is what happens when an extremely depressed person that has antisocial tendencies hides from real life because they don't know how to cope with it, and instead turn into someone they're quite frankly not (even if you tell the absolute truth, like I did). I'm sure that the people who are still on IRC would say I'm full of shit - but honestly, everyone that I ever met on that service was exactly like that - they were running and hiding from their real selves, or beginning to.

Don't get me wrong, okay - some of the very best friends that I have today were acquired through online means, be it the old WWIV boards that I was on in the 90s, or through WinMX when I was actively, uh, "acquiring" music... or on IRC. But only a very few remain in my life... because they were the kinds of people that truly cared about me - not the online persona.

It leads me to think that I'm very, deeply, grateful for the friends that I have now... and to think that it's so easy to hate all the others that never understood me, that never 'got it'. There are sore spots when it comes to this subject for me, particularly how I finally ended my 'relationship' with IRC - that was a very, very painful time for me, and there are people that I will literally despise for the rest of my life out of that episode. Eventually I'll get around to talking about that, too, but there's still a deep well of anger involved in that whole mess - and I'm in a good mood for a change, heh.

I think that was the beginning of the end of 'hiding myself away', I guess - I finally figured out that I am what I am, that I'm no longer going to hide anymore, and if people don't like me for what I am, hey... there's the door, don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out.

Hmm. Still a lot on my mind and not much time to let it out, so I guess that I'll touch down briefly on a few points. It amuses me that some of the way I was when I wrote full-time is beginning to come back to me - I can't just write without rambling on and on and on pointlessly. Once I was able to do that, I could organize later so that it all made some kind of sense.

Or maybe that's just a crazy person's way of writing, I don't know, heh.

I'll be back later on and then I'll probably have a long, chatty post for you all, who knows. It depends on if I have another dizzy spell or not - I'm still not feeling physically well. Thanks, Paxil. You motherfucker.

CHRIST, I wish I'd never taken that drug.

Another weekend comes to a close.

It's 10pm on Sunday night, and I can already feel little knots of tension building up in my neck and my back. Working the Saturday shift wasn't so bad - for once I actually got to deal with people that have a little bit of brains and common sense, a miracle in this world. If I could, I'd work every Saturday. The only downside would be that my weekends would be split up permanently, and it's rare enough that I get any time to myself anymore - if my weekends were split I think I'd die.

I'm going to just try to take it as easy as possible this upcoming week. I'm already feeling stress, 12 hours before my damned shift begins. Not good. Not good at all.

I desperately need to talk to my therapist. I haven't seen her in over a month now, thanks to work screwing me out of my day off that I needed. And they're trying to screw me over again, claiming that I have a "mandatory" training class on the day of the appointment(s). Uh, no. I'm going even if I have to take an unapproved day off - this is my goddamned mental health on the line and it's already fragile enough. I can't afford to miss any more appointments. And I won't.

The dizziness is starting to go away, which is good. It's the major reason I felt like shit last week, so hopefully it won't come back.

I'll probably be buying my new Dell Mini this week, though I'm hard pressed to spend any money right now, sigh. But I need it in order to do my classwork on the train, that's the only way I'm going to be able to do the college courses. I hope that the mobile broadband isn't going to cost an arm and a leg, though it probably will. :(

Other than the obvious, there's not much going on. I'm tired, of course, and dreading work tomorrow... but that's par for the course, I suppose.

Off to bed now, see if I can't get a jump on the week by getting enough sleep.

Things have picked up in the last couple of days, ack.

First of all, I will reiterate - Thursdays at the drug collection unit suck, bar none. Everyone in the place today either was screamed at by nearly incoherent, uneducated D.C. drug users, or were totally grossed out by their horribly nasty hygiene (or lack of!) habits. I was in the latter camp today, heh, and I'm not even sure if this could be considered a "good" thing.

WARNING: Do not read the next few sentences if you get ill easily or if you're eating. You've been warned.

One of the women I escorted today was ill with... let's say a little bit of a diarrhea problem. So what happens? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you guessed it right - when she puts the cup between her thighs and lets go... a little of some very watery and NASTY smelling #2 went right into the cup with the #1. And guess who has to carry this foul concoction back to the storage area, sloshing about in the opaque plastic cup? If you guessed yours truly... you win the brand-new car.

Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh. My federal job is not as "glamorous" as everyone thinks it is, heh.

END OF DISCLAIMER: You may now start reading/eating again, the rest of this post is safe, heh.

Anyhow, there's some good news on the horizon.

a.) I got a cost of living raise - while everyone else is struggling to hold on to their jobs or they're being laid off left and right... I'm actually making more money now than I ever have in my life. It's not much, but let me tell you what - it's a fuckload next to the guy that doesn't have a job anymore, so... my job might not be "glamorous", but Goddamn if I don't have a good-paying job... hell, a job, heh. I can't complain. Even if the above-mentioned scenario happens.

b.) I kin haf kitteh! Basically I'm one step from adopting a fabulous cat from the Feline Rescue Assocation - her picture is here. Her name's Dandy Lion, and I think I'm honestly going to keep the name - it smacks of slight cleverness. Lizzie from the FRA has been so lovely and gracious to me during this whole process. If you live in Maryland or thereabouts and you need a cat to warm your heart, feet and bed (and shouldn't everyone?), you should most definitely give the FRA a call - these are people that truly care about cats and their welfare and well-being. I can't wait to see her. :D

c.) I gave blood today, and let me tell you... my arm hurts like hell. But it's for a good cause. I have a rare blood type (antigen A, Rhesus negative, about 6-7% of the U.S. population has it) that's needed quite a bit, so that's more cause for "celebration", I suppose. Anyway, I got a thermal blanket and a couple of brownies out of the whole endeavor, heh, but I'd have done it for free. I know if I ever need a transfusion, it'll come back to me, you know what I mean?

d.) My computer is fixed once again - thanks so much, Ben (again, lol). Music stea... errr, acquiring shall be done this weekend.

e.) Tomorrow starts the weekend. Isn't that always a cause for celebration?

Things are beginning to pick up, for which I'm profoundly glad. We shall see what happens from here.

One note: my friend Kimberley's blog is now in the blogroll - read and enjoy. She has a fabulous layout. I wish I was that good. And more improvements are coming shortly.

Cheers.

Ack, it looks so WEIRD on the desktop again, lol.

It's fixed! I have my music back! :D A big thanks to one of the best tech geniuses that I know for being so patient with the memory upgrade portion of it. (Well, that, and for keeping me from having to do it myself, lol. I'm so lazy.) The blog looks strange on the 'big screen', but as I'm moving it soon, it won't matter.

Oh, yes, there are a few new links in the "I read this" section - You Suck At Craig's List (which is self-explanatory, really)... Unfortunate Names, a blog dedicated to those products and things that maybe shouldn't have been named by morons, heh... and Creepy Vanity License Plates, yet again self-explanatory. But all are at least slightly amusing. Link them. Now.

Not too much else to talk about today, as it's a lazy Sunday and I'm going to spend it either fixing the blog or obtaining my music or both, heh. I did want to mention that I just found out that one of my best friends from high school, Michelle Brady, died the day after Thanksgiving (November 28th) - apparently she'd been in the hospital for a long time with an undisclosed illness. She was one of the few people that I hung out with on a regular basis and I'll miss her. I'm only sorry that I wasn't able to get in touch with her before she died.

Though I'm only 36 years old, it makes me conscious of my own mortality.

Peace.

Weekend doings, etc.

So I've finally bitten the bullet and paid off a good chunk of my debt - I've cleared out my American Express card. I know, big deal, but when you're carrying a balance - especially in THIS economy - you get warm, fuzzy feelings after you give away money, heh. Just call me weird, I guess. But it's a little weight off of my shoulders when right now I desperately need to get all of the pressure I can removed.

I even had enough money to order a new internal drive and some memory upgrades for my old desktop, the HP that broke down a couple of months ago. I'm excited because I finally get to be able to get some of my music back, or at least get started with it. I miss my music, and this notebook I'm using now just doesn't have the space. I'm not wild about this notebook, anyway - the Enter key keeps falling off, and it's definitely not a model that I would have picked out to have as my own, but beggars can't be choosers, I suppose. Once the store Emails me with the pickup mail, I'll be on my way to get it. I'm considering a netbook, too, to take with me to work, but I honestly don't know all that much about them, and I want to shop around a bit before I plunge into that market. It'll be nice to be able to do what I want to do on the train, though, so we'll see.

Next stop are college courses. I want to definitely take some opportunities here.

I guess I'm on the upswing of my usual mood disturbances, but I really do want to improve my life... and getting rid of money for the time being will allow me to do that. I have a hard time with spending money in general, though you'd never know it from my credit card balances - but sometimes it's a bad thing to hold on to it like a crab. This is proving to be one of those times.

We'll see what happens. I'm looking forward to working on my blog from the desktop, that's for sure.

Finally!

I'm starting to feel a little better. My cold's disappearing very quickly, though the congestion's hanging around enough to irritate the hell out of me. But for the most part, I think it's all over with.

I'm working full-speed on starting to design the blog in my own way, at least that's what I did today. I've been downloading Photoshop plugins like mad - they'll fit into Paint Shop Pro with no trouble (it's what I prefer), so... hopefully I'll be able to do this the way I want. Once I do, however, I'll be leaving Blogger - so sorry, so sad, but I don't like being restricted to their templates, or even templates that others write for you. A blog is a personal expression, at least that's the way I see it - doesn't it make sense that I want to design and create it?

I'm no graphic artist, though. Sometimes I wish that I had more ability in that department, after seeing all of the things that can be done with these programs.

Sometimes I think to myself that I was just born a little too early. I was part of the "pioneer" movement for computers, when they first came into the mainstream, I would teach people what they were about and how to use them... nowadays, no one sane goes without one. It's opened up a lot of opportunities for the younger generation... but what becomes of my generation, the ones who got it all started? Somehow I sort of feel.... left out? Maybe that's not the right expression, but...

Too much thinking again, heh.

It's going to be a hellish week, thanks to the training, so I'll be signing off early. But at least my body and mind are in a better state now.

We're covering a few subjects tonight, boys and girls. Get ready!

'kay, first news of the day - my computer blew up. Let me explain, though - I have a little home network in my place of about... oh, I'll say three computers, my old desktop and two notebooks (soon to be three). Well, the desktop went kablooey - I lost power in the apartment yesterday afternoon sometime, and apparently the hard drive was in the process of writing a file - I think. In any case, it was off when I got home, and when I tried to boot it up this morning, it went to the XP screen... then rebooted. Over and over. A constant process. Whoo, am I pissed off - all of my music's on that computer, and if I have to start over yet again... grrrrr!!!....
Thankfully I have the notebooks, so I've not lost Internet access. But this came at a time where I just didn't need more complications. I could afford a new computer, but it would be a struggle right now, financially. We'll see. I'm currently attempting to 'repair' it, but whether it works or not, who can say.

Second news of the day - WARNING: this is nasty - if you're eating, you may want to skip this part of the entry, because you will get sick, I guarantee it - I made a caustic comment on my Facebook about how some people that I serve at work need to learn what a shower is, heh. I promised that I would explain that in detail - some of you know the story already, but this is so bad that I think I need to reiterate it.

Yesterday was Thursday, our 'busiest' day of the week, and I was escorting females back and forth to get their samples. So I take this one lady back, and there was nothing, nothing, nothing to indicate that there was anything 'wrong', okay. I take her back and do my usual routine, stand in the corner and wait with the cup, blah blah.... so she lifts her dress up, right... I hand her the cup....

Here it comes...

... I swear to Christ, ladies and gentlemen, the smell that came from between this woman's legs was enough to nearly make me faint. Imagine the smell of rotten fish... now imagine it magnified 100 times. That's what I smelled. I swear... it took everything I had not to vomit then and there.

Look, my job is simple - take urine. I understand that it's not glamorous, the clientele that I deal with aren't the most educated or the most lucky people in the world - and I know they've had it rough, fighting drug addiction. But for fuck's sake, if you let yourself get THAT bad that you can't learn simple hygiene - soap and water and a washcloth between your legs... well, fuck me running, but that's just nasty as shit. It really is.

That's Thursday at the drug sample collection department, heh. Lucky me, huh?

Third news of the day, I work tomorrow. First Saturday of my 4 a year. I have no idea of what it's going to be like, heh. I do know that I have to be up at 4:30 in the morning, though, and that's going to suck royally. I just hope it's not busy. I'm also working with people I've never seen before, so who knows what it'll be like, meh. We'll see.

Other than this, there's not really much going on. I had today off because I work tomorrow... that was sort of nice. I overslept until 3pm, though, which isn't cool... means I won't get shit for sleep tonight. But, eh.

Probably another post in a bit, I'm going to start doing those memes again. I've been slacking off on those but I've honestly had no time.

End of rambling thoughts. :p