Tonight, I am grateful.

Despite how it may look to most readers of this lovely little tome of mine, I do contemplate on heavier social and political matters from time to time. Nowhere was that more evident than tonight; if you keep up with the news, there was a real and serious threat of a government shutdown, which of course means that my job would be directly affected. Until approximately an hour ago, I was prepared to come to work on Monday morning and perform my duties, as difficult as they are, for no compensation. (I would have gotten paid eventually, considering that I am an "essential" employee - but my paychecks still wouldn't have been on time, disrupting my financial plans and so much more.) Luckily... I have been saved at the eleventh hour tonight, as the worthless idiots that make up our Congress have stopped bickering like whiny five year olds in the sandbox and have come up with a compromise.

Tonight, I am grateful that my job has been saved.

Tonight, I am grateful that I will continue to pay my mortgage, on time and in full.

Tonight, I am grateful that I am able to turn on my heat to combat the slight chill in the air. I am grateful that I will be warm and safe in my comfortable bed.

Tonight, I am grateful that I will eat another meal, and not worry about where it's coming from.

It's things like this averted shutdown that have made me realize just how very lucky I have it. Yeah, I suffer from mental illness. I suffer from avoidant personality disorder and my social life is in shambles. My track record with relationships sucks ass.

But I could have it so, so much worse.

Tonight.... I am TRULY grateful for everything I have.

Holy shit. There IS a 'God'!!!!

I'm sure, if you read my blog on a regular basis, that you remember my complaining about this dumb, stupid bitch that works here, the one that always singled me out in meetings and did the schedules to give me THE worst possible jobs in creation... correct?

 

Well, I just found out that she's leaving the unit, she's going somewhere else, thank fucking Christ, you have zero idea of how much of a weight's lifted off of my shoulders!!!

 

I've been in such a good mood ever since I found this out that I've been talking to people, I've been laughing, smiling, humming under my breath... unreal.  I never realized how much this bitch was dragging my mood down.  This is the one reason why I hated coming to work.  Now it's irrelevant that my feet ache and that I deal with idiots on Thursdays, or Tuesdays, or any day.  It doesn't matter that I keep getting interrupted as I type this!  (Writing from work again during the slow periods... hey, what else is there to do, I can't study here without my textbook.)  None of it matters because she's not here to be a total raving bitch anymore.  There IS a God!

 

However... now that the excitement's over... I'm not sure exactly when this is going to happen - only that it will.  Still, I feel so much better, you would not believe.

 

Now if I can get my classwork together... God I'd be so so so much better.

 

One aside - I will NEVER take a cab from Jimmy's Cab in Towson ever again, I don't care if there's a raging snowstorm or a flood.  Why?  It was raining heavily this morning so I decided to forego the walk - it's too much to handle in the rain.  I called Jimmy's for a cab, the guy showed up... and proceeded to tell me "this is a cash only cab".  When I specifically said that I needed one that had a debit card function.  I didn't have cash with me - so I grudgingly agreed to have this guy stop at an ATM (which of course costs me extra because this asshat's sitting there with the meter running).  So what does the guy do?  He takes THE LONG WAY around, and when I dare to protest, he goes, "I thought you wanted to go to an ATM."  Of course, dumbass doesn't realize that he PASSED one on the way to the Beltway... which was nowhere NEAR where I wanted to go.

 

So then I'm steaming mad because this guy's added at least 3 bucks to his fare (and I'm not sure it wasn't deliberate, to be honest).  We stop at an ATM and he's trying to make conversation.... only at this point I am NOT in the mood.  My answers are short and clipped.  I get the money, I get back into the cab, and then he comes out with a question that shocked the fuck out of me...

 

He goes, "Are you nursing?"

 

I was like, "WHAT?  No, you sick fucking pervert, and even if I was it's none of your Goddamn business."

 

Needless to say, he shut up fast.  And did he get a tip?  Uh, NEGATIVE.

 

It only occurrs to me now that he was trying to say, "Are you IN nursing?"  He was referring to my scrubs that I wear for work.  A lot of people think I'm in the nursing field because of that.  But his English... well, it wasn't the best, let's say.

 

I feel bad for calling him a sick fucking pervert, but I really thought that's what he'd asked me, was I nursing as in breastfeeding.  -_-  Hey, it wouldn't be the first time someone's thought I was pregnant, that's unfortunately what being overweight does to a person.  :(

 

Meh.

 

I need to get going, as it's 6:30 and they'll be bum-rushing this place any minute.  But I must say... I'm a lot happier tonight than I was.  A LOT happier.

 

 

I'm feeling a little better today.

Just looking in during my lunch hour to let people know that I'm honestly all right. I've gotten a few Emails and comments inquiring about my state of mind - thanks for caring, all of you. I'm fine - it's just lil' old me venting, blowing off steam, etc. Nothing more than that.

I have such a bad temper that I'm scared sometimes to confront people when I'm angry, because I fear losing all control. People always tell me that they wonder how I'm so calm and never get angry - despite what it looks like here. You, my faithful reader, know better than that. In person, I never confront or make an issue of things, because I'm scared of myself - I'm afraid that I'll actually get physical if I get angry enough, and it's happened before (albeit very rarely - I have to be beyond reason to get that mad, heh).

I don't need to be in jail, thanks. Or to lose my job, as crappy as it is.

So far, the day's going all right, though it's before 2pm, which means nothing. It's how the afternoon will proceed that will tell me if this will end up being a crappy day or not. But... so far, so good.

I know you all are concerned about me, and I thank you for it. But I'm really okay. It's just a lot of things going on right now that I'm not happy with - mainly my financial situation. My federal credit union has really, really fucked me over big time with the money not transferring to where it needs to go, and I'm furious at them. Naturally, I either can't get a hold of them, or we're playing phone tag. Fuckers.

Heh, still pissed off about that.

Anyway, time to roll out and deal with the inevitable idiots that'll pour through the door any minute now. Please continue to wish me luck... my day isn't over for another few hours yet, and I continue to need strength.

Thanks. :)

Thoughts kicking around in my head, a.k.a. another meaningless post.

So far the response has been overwhelmingly in favor of the new look to the blog, and I'm delighted that everyone seems to like it. Thanks to all of you who've expressed your opinion and have told me that it looks great. I really did work very hard on the concept and design of this, have been planning it for weeks, etc. And I've gotten help from my closest friends in the form of programming, opinions on design, what looks good, what doesn't fit, etc. There's still some minor bugs to work out - I'm not pleased with the tags above the posts, for example - but the foundation is laid, so to speak. I'm very happy with it, and I'm glad that you all are, too.

I recently have friend-requested a couple of other "acquaintances" on Facebook, only to receive... well, no response. I'll tell you, that's one thing good about Facebook and all of these social networking sites - you learn really, really fast who is interested in your life, and those who couldn't give two shits about you. This time I'm not even expending the energy to be pissed off. See, over the last couple of weeks, I've been thinking... the people that are in my life, I'm starting to fit them into a nifty little 'graph' of sorts. Observe:



The little red dot in the middle of the 'target' is me. And the colored zones represent how 'close' one is to me. Obviously, the lighter the color, the closer you are to me. Now, granted, this picture isn't 'perfect', and just because one might be in the "really close to me" portion, that doesn't mean that I think of everyone the same way... but it's a close enough approximation to how I'm thinking these days. Yellow, it means you're REALLY close... i.e., you've seen me at my absolute worst, ever. Green? It means you know me, but... it's more of a loose friendship-bordering-on-acquaintance level. Blue, it's a definite acquaintance level with not much more going on than that. And black? It either means I don't know you at all, you're a stranger to me... or worse, you've been banished from my life altogether.

Most people are going to land in either the green or blue sections. A VERY few are in the yellow. And way too many are in the black portion... people whom have been banished from my life, people that I know and don't want to know, people whom have proven themselves unworthy of my friendship and what I have to offer.

Do these people on Facebook qualify for the 'banishment' level? No, but at the same time they're still in that black zone... because they're strangers to me. And I've decided to keep them that way.

I'm starting to learn that I don't need other people's "approval" to live my life the way I want to live it. If one doesn't care to be friends with me, or to hang around me.... fuck them, that's their loss. I'm still going to grin and "do my thang", regardless. I have no more time for negativity or unhappiness.

Here's a video that spells out my feelings rather well. Lyrics are here. Enjoy. This is a great track.

I am extremely sick. :(

Just a quick update, because I'm honestly too dizzy and nauseated to sit up long, but I had to go to the hospital last night - I was dizzy, throwing up, having hot and cold flashes - all of the symptoms that were listed as side effects on the Wellbutrin leaflet - so I didn't take chances, I went straight to the E.R. Turns out that I have gastroenteritis - basically a bad stomach virus. No doubt it's thanks to the assholes at work that I caught such a thing. Anyway, I'm on my couch and feeling sicker than a dog. I'm off til Friday, doctor's orders. At least that.

I just want to quickly add that Greater Baltimore Medical Center (GBMC) is THE place to go if you feel like shit. They were so nice to me and quickly diagnosed my problem... just as quick to fix it, too. Vince, the night nurse, was especially nice and did as much as he could to see that I was comfortable and out of pain as much as possible. So if you're in the B'more area or you need medical services here, GBMC will treat you right. Thanks to all of them for helping me.

Will write again when I can/feel better.

Fucking irritated.

People just piss me the fuck off.

Thanks, that is all.

Uhhh... whoops!

Due to a bit of a messup with the HTML widgets (or I had a fit of depression and deleted everything - you decide which it is), everything on the blog went kaboom. Sorry for the inconvenience. It's really just as well anyway, as I ended up just deleting a bunch of whiny shit. Hopefully this blog will now become the sole source of entertainment and pleasure for you.

Or at least one of them, anyway. :p

I have learned one valuable lesson today, though, and that's that you never really know who your friends truly are until they come through for you in the worst of times. I have more than I think - and I thank them all for sticking with me. I know that I haven't been a really good friend or much fun to be around for the last year - but I'm working on that. I'm trying to change. Hopefully you all know that I appreciate everything you all do for me. It's hard for me to express that shit, I know it - but I'm trying.

Thank you. All of you. <3

<./sappy shit> :p

Again, sorry for the kaboom. Won't happen again.