A pragmatic ending and a hopeful beginning.

So, here we are again; it's the annual "end of the year" post where I refuse to recap the past 12 months and insist that you go look it all up in the previous entries. :p

I think that I'm going to take a different stance on things this year, though, in that for once, I have a lot of things to talk about. I've been very loquacious these past two weeks - more so than I have been in the last two years. I'm talking, sharing, relating with people. It's a strange, heady feeling, but it's also not feeling false or forced. It used to be that I'd make an attempt at being sociable, and afterwards I would feel horrible, as if I'd talked too much or sounded tinny and false; which in retrospect, probably wasn't far off the mark. But I'm actually feeling pretty well today. Today is one of my "good days", I guess you could say.


So I'll just do a quick recap of the past year, through my eyes, which have been blinded for a good portion of the time... but the cobwebs are truly beginning to clear.

The best part of the year for me was easily buying this house back in April. This was the best move I have ever made for myself, bar none. I don't think that anything can compare to the knowledge that I have that this house is mine, that I will never be forced to move on because of circumstance or because I wasn't wanted somewhere. I still have a long way to go as far as getting the things that I need... but for the first time in... what may be forever.... I now feel that I have a real home.

Other highlights of the year include my finding my therapist, who has helped me more than I can ever say. I have come forward in great strides since August, when I began seeing him on a regular basis, and have knocked down some impenetrable walls since - all without drugs or being locked up. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for this, believe me, but I'm taking the tools that I'm slowly learning and using them for my good, and in the end for others' good as well.

I've learned that in order to love other people, I need to love myself first and foremost. I've learned that maybe being ethical isn't a bad thing. I've learned that perhaps honesty is the way to go, and I've learned that other peoples' shortcomings aren't necessarily my own. Last night, I had a long, good talk with a friend who has been through hell and back with me and this illness... I mean, I have seriously put him through the wringer with this shit. I told him that I've learned that I am the sum of my experiences - one bad experience does not make my whole life, nor does it make me as a complete person. I've learned that while there are bad things in one's life, and even whole blocks of bad times, there's also some good times and experiences in almost everything one does.

And I've learned that my family's mistakes aren't mine. I've learned that even though I've been abused, I can rise above it - that indeed, it is my duty to rise above it and make something out of myself. And I think I've begun that process. There's always more I can do, and more work to be done. But 2011 will be a part of that work, and if there's anything I've learned from this depression, it's that self-improvement can never harm, and always helps.

Pretty heavy stuff, huh? :)

Now... the worst part of the year, well. I'll be straight with you on this - in some ways, the worst part of the year actually turned me around and began the real job of healing. If you go back to late September, where I'd said that something horrible had happened to me and that I couldn't discuss it.... that is the worst part of the year for me. I will reveal that incident now - basically, I'd had a date with someone I'd met online, and it ended up that I was more or less raped. It wasn't a violent incident, but.... the details really don't matter, because when someone says no, no matter what part of the buildup you're in - if they don't stop, it's rape. And that's what it turned out to be.

I'll be frank with you. I considered suicide. I wanted to die. I was very, very close to taking a butcher knife out of the kitchen and driving it into my chest. I was violated, humiliated, thought that death was the only escape from all of the misery and depression symptoms. I couldn't cope. And I didn't tell anyone about it, because.... what could I really say? It was that old self-validation kicking in, the sense that I needed this asshole's approval to feel good about myself. Isn't that terrible?

But, you see... after that weekend, where I lay on my sofa, dry-eyed and burning with hate... that's when it all started to turn around for me. I had that choice in my hands... life or death. That knife in my hands would determine the course of my fate. And quite honestly, that was one heavy, heavy choice. To know that I had the power to end it all.... or to fight the disgust, anger, depression, the effects of the abuse that I've endured throughout my life. Was I really worth nothing more than peoples' scorn and abuse? Or was it up to me to make myself worth more?

Ever since that day, I have had a steel determination to never, never, ever let someone abuse me again - in any way, shape or form. The minute that boundaries are crossed, I cut them loose, and I don't allow anyone to take more than I'm willing to give them. I no longer accept being treated like a second-class citizen, from anybody or anything. If people don't like me, that's just too bad - they have a choice to not be around me, just like I have a choice not to be treated like garbage.

I'm not second-best. I'm not someone's option, I am a goddamn PRIORITY, and I will be treated like one!

So... that was the worst part of it for me. The cruise in September just before that wasn't nearly as awful, but it wasn't a huge success, either. I just don't think that cruising is the type of vacation I enjoy, and I probably won't go again. Otherwise, it's been kind of a quiet year, and one filled with self-discoveries and learning, some good and some bad.

Now, for the predictions of 2011. I don't do resolutions, you see, as calling them 'resolutions' is a sure way of making them not happen, heh.

Career: I think it's going to continue to be full of changes and improvements. If I receive another promotion next year, I'll be elevated to a GS-6, which isn't much more in the pay scale, but it's a huge step as far as levels are concerned. I am more or less satisfied with the job for the present time, though I need to start thinking about ramping up the skill set and maybe updating a few of my abilities.

Health, Mental: I seriously feel that I'm going to continue to improve on this front. I have never felt better than in the last 2 weeks. Yes, I continue to have some spells, but they're much shorter in duration and come during fragile times of the year such as the holidays or my birthday. Therapy continues. We shall see.

Health, Physical: I haven't been able to concentrate on this front in 2010, and I have unfortunately begun to see some deterioration in my body because of it. I still do not have the inherited family difficulties yet (varicose veins, respiratory issues, circulation problems), but they're slowly coming. I have had some disturbing physical symptoms appear due to my weight, which I am making a huge priority to do something about this year. I am considering doing a separate blog for this issue alone (which I shall surely share when the time is right). This isn't a resolution, okay; this is an issue that I am taking VERY seriously. I will be much healthier physically by this time next year, or there will be a damned good reason why, which in that case, I will seriously put the option of bariatric surgery on the table. I'm done with looking and feeling like a pile of crap. If I can work to heal my mind and be rid of this depression - I can lose this fucking weight.

I ask for everyone's support for this, because if I do have surgery, it will be a lifetime change that I will have to deal with, and it's very frightening.

Social Life/Relationships: No progress on this front in 2010. The last two weeks of this year have been a little abnormal, but it's because I'm feeling pretty well. Otherwise, there has been little to no change. I am not concerned about it, as I have repeatedly stated that I'm not ready for it. For 2011, I predict that there still won't be a lot of changes, though I think it'll get slightly easier. Time will tell.

Financial: I end 2010 in excellent financial shape. I'm hoping to have a lot more in savings and investments in 2011, though I'll always have a little bit of a shopping bug, probably more so than usual now because of the house. I'm not going to hesitate in treating myself to things, though, should I want something.

....and that's it. That's really all that I wanted to say tonight. Basically, I'm not unhappy to see 2010 depart, but at the same time, I feel that it was a year of transition for me, from desperately ill to recovering. Hopefully by this time in 2011, I can finally report that I'm doing much better. :)

This is the song that, for me, sums up how I feel 2011 will be. I hope that it is!



Happy New Year to all. May it be everything that you want it to be.