There are some things you just can't replace.

There are two places that I do a lot of thinking - in the shower, as I once stated a long time ago, and on the train coming home. I usually don't think about too much on the way to work because I'm too tired to really deeply contemplate things the way I do on the train coming home. Plus, when I'm on the way to work, I'm usually trying to psych myself up for the day (read: convince myself that I can take yet one more urine sample without screaming).

Anyway, I was thinking tonight on the way home about people, and about how I've met so few in my life that I can really respect and cherish as close friends and relationships. Then it occurred to me that just as I've been trying to chase the past nearly all of my life, I've also tried to find replacements for people that I once really loved in my life. Especially those that have fucked me over and really hurt me. Does anyone know what I'm getting at?

There are two people that were once in my life that I was extremely close to, and in nearly every relationship that I've ever had, I've tried to "find them again", usually in their physical looks (because that's the most obvious way, of course), but also by mannerisms. If you were tall, black-haired and a little heavy-set in build, that was person #1, and I can think of at least six or seven people that are or were in my life that fit that exact description. If you were of average height and had long, long, long hair, you were person #2.

Doesn't that sound awful? But it's the truth.

I realized tonight that there are some things in life that can't be done over again, and some things that you just can't replace. People are one of them. I'm starting to finally learn that each person is unique of themselves, and that's the way it should be. I cannot replace person #1, whom I met at the tender age of 14 and who imprinted himself upon my psyche at a time where I was very needy and vulnerable. I was being emotionally abused by my family and really needed someone to listen to me and to reassure me that I was lovable - and he provided that. Then by whatever quirk of fate, we were separated and I was beyond hurt... ever since then, I'd been trying to "find" him again in other people. As I heal, I've been realizing that I won't find a "rescuer", so to speak. The only person that can "rescue" me from myself is myself.

I also cannot replace person #2 - but that is a more complicated situation, as I also met him at a young age, but that was my first "serious" adult relationship and it ended very badly and very painfully. (He is unfortunately in my recent past, and I am still not over that situation - it's Matt, in case you haven't figured it out by now.) I'm working on that, but that will take time. However, I'm starting to also not "look" for him in other people. This is good, a good thing.

Anyway. That's what I was thinking about tonight, it seems silly. But... well, it's times like these that I think I'm making some progress.

Work sucks as usual, but that's nothing new. Everything else is fine. I'm doing well.

More later, cheers.