This is the last weekend I have "off" before school starts, and in truth, I'm excited to get started again. I've been bone-idle way too long.
I made a major decision over the course of the week to change my minor from forensics to women's studies - which is striking some people as "quite odd", especially since I've often said that I despise women, can't stand them, etc. In truth, I think that it's the sociological aspect that turns me off, especially regarding my generation. It's a throwback to the 1950s, where women were all about their husbands/boyfriends and their kids - both aspects that I cannot relate to in the slightest. I once read a book called "Tripping the Prom Queen" that described the rivalry of women and how they compete (especially for the attention of men). It only confirmed exactly what I've always thought - there is no such thing as a "sisterhood". The second you show any interest in what women consider "their man", the claws come out and the friendship is all over. Even I've done it. Bee-eff-eff, my fat ass.
I've just never had any interest in "competing" for any man - if a person doesn't want to be with me or spend time with me, fuck them. They miss out, not me. (Although it's taken years, decades, for me to get to that point. I don't kid myself on that score.)
So why women's studies? Partially because it relates to me in that I'm a woman, of course - but also, because I want to know more about my own gender, and what makes us do these stupid fucking things we do. It's also because I actually started to relate to the female convicts down at work - I started seeing life through their eyes, started to realize that a lot of the reason why they were in trouble to begin with is because they have little to no self-esteem. They don't believe in themselves or their potential. And isn't that where I was, at one time? Where I still am, in some ways?
I don't fool myself that I can make these womens' lives better. But I can at least understand, or relate in some way. I can offer empathy, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. I know how they feel, in a lot of respects, in that they don't have anyone to listen to them, or that cares what happens to them.
Perhaps I do have a minute shred of compassion left in this hardened heart of mine.
With the minor change, as of the spring semester (2012), I'll only have 47 credits left before I graduate. At 12 credits a semester (a lot heavier than it has been, but I want this over with, to be honest), I'll be done by fall of next year. Even I can't believe it's true, in a way. I've come very far since my first panicked post that I had enrolled in school.
Oh, how far I HAVE come. :D
Alternate work schedule (AWS) starts this week. Basically my day is now nearly 10 hours instead of 9, but I get Wednesdays off every 2 weeks, which will help me out for things I have to do (like grocery shopping, deliveries, running errands, etc.). I don't know how it'll work out - I'm bone tired as it is - but I've agreed to try it out. It's not as if I'm really there any longer than I am now. What's another hour a day? And this week will be particularly sweet, as I only work Monday, Tuesday and Friday - I have jury duty on Thursday (not that I'll be selected, due to the break-in amongst other reasons), my AWS day falls this week, and then a long weekend for Memorial Day, which will be perfect for me to begin the semester with.
Despite all of the additional expenses because of the break-in, I'm actually all right, financial-wise. It's higher than I want it to be, but isn't everything? And I've decided that my federal tax refund will apply toward my bills, once again, so it'll all wash out in the end. I'll be a lot careful this time around not to run things up - of course, I've said that before, but this time I'm really going to try.
Last but not least... I received another Email from that guy that wrote me back around the holidays last year. That's the one that disappeared for months, then wrote again saying he was "thinking about me". I haven't really gone to much effort to write him, because I'm still ticked off about that - if someone's interested in you, a 4-month-long disappearance isn't the way to show it. But, eh, I guess I'm the flavor of the moment or something. Whatever. I'll play along - I don't have much else to do.
And that's about it. What an exciting life I lead, huh? :p
More later.
2 comments:
i think women's studies is an excellent choice. i probably should take something like that, because through the course of my life, i went from clinging to walking away. i finally refused to compete. i won't compete with other women, just like i will no longer compete for attention (eg computer/internet, gaming, etc). it really does have to do with self esteem. i went from a person that was "why...why... why...?" why don't they want to spend time with me, why do they give her more attention, why would he rather game all day than watch a movie with me to... i'm worth more than what i'm getting, so fuck off buddy.. buh bye!! i was so insecure, and although i will always have small ones.. weight, looks, superficial things like that, i know my worth. as a person, as a woman, an intellectual, so i flat out refuse to compete anymore with things of that nature.
i have empathy to a point when it comes to some women. but when i see a gf go after the same type of guy for 20 yrs, sorry.. that empathy train left a while ago. as far as cheating women, i know it sounds strange to some, but when i heard this, it totally makes sense... married man cheat on wife, and the mistress says, "he came to me" well, on his show, Dr Phil said, so what? how down about yourself do you have to be to welcome a married man into your bed behind his woman's back? you don't know their story... you don't know if he's flat out lying to you, saying what you wanna hear, and as a woman, you should respect his wife AS a woman, and tell him he needs to go shove it and work on his marriage!! i tell ya what Carrie... i finally did that, and the POWER it gave me as a woman felt incredible! far better than any sneaky/backseat/cheap hotel type relationship. i really believe women NEED to learn this mentality. stand up for each other and say... NO! again, know your worth and know you deserve more!!
good luck with the upcoming busy schedule! i get to start school back up on the 6th, which is 3 days before my first baby boy comes to visit. good times!! lol
You're not the only woman who doesn't compete. That's always been my thing too. Not to compete. Overall I tended to hang out with men because I have more in common with them and there's less competition. Or if there is it's about who's the best at math or resolving a computer issue, not competing over a person.
It's why I rarely have female friends, few woman don't get competitive.
I can understand the woman studies even if you don't like women all that much! I'm the same way, I had major issues with women growing up, and yet in college I took all the women studies & feminism classes I could.
I'm still a feminist and still feel strongly about women's rights and issues, even if at a party you're most likely to find me with the guys.
I've never gotten the whole sisterhood thing, maybe because I'm an only child. I've never done well in any group that is mainly composed of women. Too much cattiness, you have to spend all your time watching what you say, who you say it to and how you say it.
I think you'll do just fine in your new minor.
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