A tiny light in the midst of the darkness.

I'm still feeling like shit. What else is new.

I find that I seem to do better with the Abilify when I take it at night, so I'm trying that for a while to see if I can stick with it. It's not looking hopeful, though - I've been sicker on this shit than I ever was on the Paxil, though at this point I can't tell if the SSRI discontinuation is still going on, or if the Abilify is what's causing me to feel this bad. Either way, I feel horrible, as if I've been scraped up from the bottom of a garbage bin.

I don't think I've even felt well since the beginning of March. At least that long. Maybe longer.

I'm more than conscious of the fact that I'm just not living any kind of a 'normal' life. It's weird, I get on Facebook and I see all of my friends' taglines and it's so obvious that I'm spheres away from them now.... it's about kids and families and proclaiming how great the last episode of ER was, and pretty photographs of children and smiling people and happiness. I see vacation pictures and silly apps (more like stupid, honestly, but that's my opinion) and all of this laughter and cheeriness...

... and I honestly just feel more alienated and isolated than ever. That's never going to be me. Ever. I'm lucky to get through a single day without crying or breaking down into tears or feeling like shit because the medicine is fucking with me. I'm lucky to be able to smile, never mind laugh. My life right now is struggling with depression, struggling with the fact that even though I say nothing to anyone or let on how I feel, that I'm honestly suicidal, even if only in the back of my mind - I won't act on it but I feel it, I feel it, I feel it. My life is crying silently where no one will see or hear.

Ah, Christ. So much for that light in the dark, I think it's been hopelessly extinguished.

I know it does no good to ask "why me". I know that. But Goddamnit, right now I do ask that - why me?

I don't think the Abilify is helping, to be honest, but I have to try anyway so that the doctor won't think I just gave up. Little does he know how close to giving up I feel right now.

Anyway. Off to bed to face another shit day. I am so close to saying "fuck this noise", it's not funny.

P.S. As a sidenote to the person that recently Emailed me and said for me to "cheer up, you'll never feel better if you don't"... if only it were that easy. Maybe it's that easy for you, dear, but my depression isn't some emo bullshit that comes and goes, okay? This is a real disease, and I suffer from it, and if you think I wanted this, you're stupider than I thought. Telling me to "cheer up" is like telling someone in a wheelchair to "get up and walk". Ain't that fucking simple, honey.

If you find my blog "too depressing" - then don't read it, it's that simple. I am not writing this to please you, or quite frankly anyone else. I'm writing this as something to make me feel better, and if you or others find it pleasing, I'm glad of it and I hope you'll keep reading it. But if not, c'est la vie. I'm done giving a shit if people disapprove - really.

'nuff said and good night.