Attention, Baltimore thugs: you didn't break me. Sorry.

I have to work this quarter's Saturday shift tomorrow, so I ended up with today off, which was actually a bonus for me. It allowed me to get some things done that I might not have otherwise. A lot of the mess that was in the house before the break-in has been cleared away/fixed, and as a result, my anxiety levels have plummeted.

I've temporarily hung up a colorful tapestry over the damaged wall where the television was, and I actually like the look of it so much that I just may leave it there permanently. I'm reconsidering even replacing the TV at all, to be honest - it was indeed an idiot box, just hanging there, wasting a lot of my valuable time where I could have been doing other things. Like, say, cleaning. Or actually eating breakfast in the morning, fixing my hair to go to work, that sort of thing.

I'm aware that the last sentence in particular sounded really awful, but I can't lie - all of it is true. I'd neglect simple things like taking care of myself (by eating a necessary meal) or trying to make myself look at least a little better (fixing my hair) because I'd sit on my sofa and just stare into nothingness, trying to fool myself into believing that I needed that time just to "wake up". But it's bullshit, you know. I was awake. Just not... "there". Does that make sense?

It's not as if I ever really "watched" the damned thing, anyhow. It was background noise to try and blot out the fact that if I don't make sound in here, it's utterly silent and desolate. Or is it? It's only desolate if I choose it to be so.

The only thing that truly hurt, I think, was the loss of my computer equipment - partially because I'd just purchased it and it was like throwing 800 dollars out the window, but also because what little entertainment I do choose to watch, most of it is on my computer (be it in the form of movies or TV shows on DVD or something similar). Other than that - screw it, what do I care, the thugs can keep all that shit. Really!

I've changed over most of my accounts now, but there seems to be very little fallout from the break-in itself, which is good news. The two computers that they'd taken (yes, they managed to steal both my new one and the broken one, sheesh), I don't think they're going to get very far. The new one had a fingerprint recognition feature on it that makes trying to access it useless, and the broken one's battery was dead and they neglected to take the charger to fire it up. Dumbasses. Still, I canceled my accounts and set up new ones, just to be safe. It's a good thing that the broken one's battery WAS dead, because that one literally had nearly all of my financial information on it. Lesson learned - I'll never do THAT again. It's back to paper and pencil for me when it comes to my finances.

I've actually learned a LOT of lessons from this incident. I've been way too lax with my own security for a good portion of my life - perhaps because I had the false sense of feeling "invincible". After all, this has never happened to me before; why would I ever think about such things? It's been hit home to me that I do, indeed, need to think about it. I'm a single woman living alone in Baltimore City; while the area of town I live in isn't a "slum", it's on the edge of one where there's still a huge amount of drug activity and crime. I should have thought about this a long time ago. But it's not too late to start now, and I've done exactly that.

I had a security system installed this week, and I'm planning on installing security doors for both the front and back of the house. I'm also considering motion detectors for the backyard, the side of the house, and even bars on the back windows (though I really don't want to go that far - I don't want to feel as if I live in a prison - but it may be necessary). I've also changed some personal habits in that I now shut the blinds at all times unless I'm physically in the room, as well as leaving some lights on at night, and turning different ones on and off. And as soon as I can pick up the old desktop computer that my mother offered me, I'm going to begin scanning personal financial documents and shredding all of the old paper copies. The scans will go on a portable hard drive that will probably be locked up in a personal safe (that of course will be bolted to the floor to prevent anyone from taking THAT).

Too much, you say? Yeah, it might be. I may not go THIS far, but I do think that some of the above ideas are good ones. I have to work with one thing at a time, of course, because I'm facing down some pretty expensive stuff in the next few weeks. My credit card bill has already swelled past the comfort level because of having to replace the computer and get the alarm system installed. Sigh.

But if it means I'll be safe in my own house, so be it.

The one thing that keeps running through my mind, though, is that I'm thankful that I'm alive and that I didn't walk in on these assholes that did this. Because I live in a city where someone will shoot you in the head for a pair of 60 dollar Nike tennis shoes. And, yet, I still love my little house in the city. I still enjoy being here. No one with a drug addiction - or for that matter, any issue - is going to take that away from me.

I've taken my house back. Now I'm taking my life back.

Slowly getting my life back in order.

The alarm system has been installed, and don't think for one second that I don't feel better about it. There's some residual fear, of course; no doubt that I'll be trying to hide my electronics for a while - but for the most part, I don't feel crawly and disgusting when I walk through my own house. Some things will be hard to deal with (I can't get over the fact that these douches had their filthy, thieving hands all over my clothes), but in time that'll fade away. At least, I hope so.

Things are somewhat of a mess. I need to call a few people (my doctor, for one, he's probably worried out of his mind by now), and I may have trouble paying my bills for a while because everything's on lockdown, sigh. I just need to take things one step at a time, I guess.

Next thing on the list are security doors for the front and back of the house. I'm not playing with the drug-added assholes of this city. They're going to leave my shit alone if I have to have a fucking pit bull on guard outside, alarms everywhere, a motion light detector outside of my house and in the fucking street. I work too Goddamned hard for my things and I'll be damned if some jerkoff is just going to walk the fuck on in here and take it because they feel like it.

Heh. Yep, it's the anger stage. Way better than fear any day.

I'll be just fine once I get back to work, which I'm planning on doing tomorrow. I'm not going to let this rule my life. It's time to kick ass.

Peace.

I've been sorely tested as of late.

As most of you who keep up with my life in any way know by now, my house was broken into on Saturday night while I was out for a rare social event, and my television was stolen, along with a few choice electronic items (including the brand new computer that I'd just bought not even 30 days ago). To say that I feel violated doesn't even begin to cover it, and I've spent the last 48 hours contacting banks, credit card companies, and spending a country fortune replacing computers, electronic equipment, and installing a security system in this house - for I'll be damned if I ever let this happen again.

I've not been to work today, and won't be going tomorrow, either - I have to wait for the security people, as well as go to the banks and reopen accounts under new numbers, etc. A major hassle, and I have no idea of how I'll be able to pay my bills on time, which of course adds another layer of inconvenience.

However... this situation has taught me so very much. It's taught me that I can handle even a horrible event like this. And that I have so much more support and friendship than I ever dreamed I did. People have been calling me, asking after me, offering to help, leaving messages of support for me. In my darkest days of depression, I never would have believed that people cared about me.. and yet, the last 48 hours have taught me better. Even my family has stepped up to the plate for me in ways that I never believed possible.

It's comforted me. I feel afraid and violated... but also that much stronger.

A couple of thugs took my electronics. But in a way, they gave me insight and the realization that people really do love me.

In that, maybe I came out ahead after all.

Ugh, under so much stress.

The past couple of days have been hectic, what with looking at houses, haggling with mortgage brokers, endless phone calls... but I've found the house that I want. Unfortunately, I've found out that there'll be a steep price for it - so far the deal is, I spend 125k on it, and keep my payments JUST above 950 a month. Sigh. The thing is, that's how much I'd have to cough up for an apartment, anyway, so why not just do it. But I made it clear that I can't go above 950, there's no way in hell I can do it, so... if they want a quick sale, they've got it, if they agree to my terms. My RE agent seems to think they will. But as usual, the nay-sayer in me thinks not.

I knew going in that buying a house would be stressful. I did it once before, when I was married, and there was a fuckload of trouble when that was going on. The deal was held up for months over something about "easements", whatever the fuck that means - but it did end up happening, eventually. This is no different, and in truth I think it'll go a fuck of a lot quicker than the Still Road house did. But, still. It's just nerve-wracking.

This is sort of why I didn't want to do this now. But I'm actually surprised with how well I've held up throughout all of this. I did nearly have a crying spell when I found out about the 950 dollar payments, though. Thing is... I spend 50 dollars a week alone on coffee and breakfast and entertainment, etc. I can cut that out with no problem, it's money wasted really. 200 dollars a month, I can cover that extra bit, and I can always get a second job if things get really tight.

Where there's a will... well, you know the rest.

And the house is in Seton Hill, which has always been a really nice neighborhood. It's in move-in condition. The others I looked at were, quite frankly, either dumps or not suited to my needs for whatever reason. This one is perfect. I don't want to let it get away.

I give the RE guy a thousand dollars tonight as "good faith deposit" money. This is the start of it. I just hope that it finishes to my satisfaction.

Off to a work meeting now, but I'll definitely keep all posted.

My vacation has officially started.

The cruise begins tomorrow. I hope that I can get through it all right. We'll see what happens.

I know that I sound rather cryptic at the moment, but I'm just really exhausted. I desperately need this vacation, whether or not it's with my mother. I'll post pictures, of course, when I get back.

In other news... Ride the Ducks has pulled out of the Baltimore market. Thank fucking Jesus. I hated those damned things. For those of you that are fortunate enough not to know what "Ride the Ducks" is... it's a company that does tours of cities in this... ugly-is-the-only-word-for-it "duck", a big van/boat thing from World War II. It drives on the streets and then apparently can go into the water for a cruise. Fine and dandy. But what was really, really annoying about these people was that they gave out these... duckbill-shaped kazoo things that made, of course, a "quacking" sound when you blew into it. And all of these stupid tourists, of course, knew no better and would "honk" at the locals going about their business on the streets. I made sure to give them the finger every time they went by, I can assure you. Wonder what the kids thought of that.

Some things are just too stupid for words. That was one of them.

Anyway. Still some packing to do, but I'll try and write one more time before I head out... if I can't, don't miss me too much or anything. Unfortunately, I'll be back. :p

An open letter to the people I serve at work.

I know that one of the conditions of your probation or parole is to give a urine sample for drugs. I also know that this is the last thing you want to be doing - I totally get that. Did you know that in the course of a day, I do little things for you all that help the process go by easier for you? I have an idea.. let's work together so that the process goes easier for both of us. Want to know how you can do that? Great.

Have a look at the following suggestions. Feel free to use one or all of them. I won't mind a bit.

1. Come in on time. That's right, it helps greatly when you all don't bum-rush us starting at 6:30 at night all the way up to closing time. We're open for 12 hours a day. Some of you don't have employment - so in truth you have no excuse whatsoever. We work hard and we like to go home to our families and friends at night, just like you do. If you do, however, decide to be rude and come in during the last 15 to 20 minutes we're open - don't expect a warm welcome or a big smile, because you won't get it. We're tired, and we want to leave. That leads us to suggestion #2...

2. Give your sample and leave. Don't engage us in conversation in the bathrooms. You're not supposed to be talking in there anyway, it's considered a distraction. And to be frank, we're not interested in what a bitch you think your parole officer is, or your complaints about how you have to do this every week/month. We didn't put you in the position you're in - you did. Don't blame us for your stupid actions. We also know you have friends out there in the waiting room - a sad thing in itself - but we don't appreciate the loud music or the cell phones blaring the latest 'gangsta' hit or the gossiping that you all seem to do while you're there. Your requirement is to pee and leave - that's it, thanks, no more is necessary.

3. Have some pride. Seriously, folks, this one isn't hard. When you're a child, you're taught to flush the toilet. Please do so. I take back over 200 people per day - that's a lot of urine. No one wants to see your offerings in the toilet when we come in there, okay? That's just trifling, if you want to put it bluntly. I don't want to see your piss, or your used tampons floating in the water, I don't want to see crumpled paper towels on the floor, I don't want to have to apologize to the next customer that comes in there with me because you couldn't clean up after your nasty self. Hygiene is a fucking basic - I don't care how many drugs you've done, you know better than to do that shit in your home, at least I hope you do. Don't do it here either.

4. Don't argue with me; you'll lose.
This one is simple. You're there because you're on probation or parole. You're there to serve your time and to pay for what you've done wrong. Therefore if I tell you that you need to do something - you do it. Period. No arguments, no whining, no bitching. I run the show here, not you. If I have people waiting in line to submit their samples, you don't get moved to the front of the line on a whim. If I need a new picture of you, you're going to do it - if you don't, you don't test, and you can explain that to your parole officer when you're sanctioned for not doing what you're supposed to. If you need paperwork for me to process you, you'll get that paper before I do one thing to your record. You don't get it? You don't test. That's it - no argument. This is your life I'm handling here - if you don't have enough respect for your own life, that's not my problem, but I'll be damned if I'm going to get into trouble for your stupidity.

5. Do something with your life. I see too many of you on a daily basis wasting away. Get out there and do something. Can't find a job? Go back to school, they're offering financial aid and Christ knows that you all qualify, I work for a living and can't get shit so you sure have no excuse. Take advantage of the help that we're offering you. Don't sit on your ass and do nothing all day, because that's called being a parasite - and I'll be damned if you're going to feed off of me. The drugs might be tempting, but look where it got your dumb ass - in here, giving me a urine sample in a filthy bathroom. How's that working for you?

Like I said... feel free to follow these suggestions. You might find that your life will improve greatly if you do. And for those that would ignore my advice... fine by me, but you'll be in my unit year after year after year giving me urine, so get comfy, you'll be in the system a long, long time.

'nuff said.

At last, an update and time to write it!

I'm still trying to unpack and get my life back to a sense of normalcy, but it's slowly coming together. I absolutely love my new place, as well as the neighborhood that it's in. The walk to the train station in the morning is a whopping ten minutes - a huge improvement from the old 2.5 hour commute from Towson and back every day. There's also a sense of... I don't know, excitement in this place that wasn't present in the suburbs. I'm just not a person that can tolerate anything but city living, I suppose. In any case, I'm very happy at this point. I'm discovering new places to hang out, so that's always a plus.

I note with delight that it's raining out, as well. Always a win.

If I still haven't answered your mail yet, don't panic - it'll happen. There are a few people that have written me in the past couple of weeks that I'm... debating on whether to answer, to be honest. Have you ever had a situation where someone from your past has written you and you just weren't sure if you wanted to invite that person back into your life? So it goes with me. It's not that I hold ill will towards said person, but.. I met them at a time where I wasn't doing very well in my life (the depression was in full force at that point), and I don't know if I want to open up a can of worms, so to speak. I'm debating. Maybe I'll answer them, I could always use more friends in my life, but... I don't know.

It's something I need to think over.

So much for a lengthy update, heh, but there's really not much else to discuss at this point. Work is fine (for a change), school is fine (for now), my health is fine (and hopefully will continue to be so). Miss Dandy is also doing well, after a difficult transition period - she's forgotten all about the Towson apartment, which is a good thing.

Guess I'll just listen to the rain and be happy. I'm such a boring person, I know, but... you know, I find that what might bore other people is peace to me. And after all that's happened to me in my crazy-ass life, I need peace more than anything, know what I mean?

More later, if I feel up to it.

Last day in the old apartment...

By tomorrow morning, I'll be moved once again, this time to a nice, spacious apartment in the middle of downtown Baltimore. In some ways I can't wait for it - I'm thoroughly sick of Towson - but... God, I just don't want to move anymore. I've spent my entire life moving, it seems, and I've never been in a place any more than two or three years at the most. After a while, you just get... tired. And I'm starting to get too old to be moving from place to place to place to place. I know that this isn't even the end of it, because one of these days I'll buy a house when I know where I want to settle down for good. Question is... will I ever know that?

Forgive me. I am melancholy today. I sort of knew this would happen. I am just tired of it all, and it's the culmination of many weeks of stress. I just want it all to be over with.

I'll write more once I'm settled, promise, and thanks for bearing with me, Faithful Readers. It's much appreciated. I do think about you all, even though it might not seem that I do.

One of these days this song will fit... and I'll know that I'm "home". Wherever that might be.

Still doing pretty well!

After the last three weeks of what was probably the worst time period for me in quite a few years, I'm still pretty much in control and feeling good (though feeling 'good' for me is not breaking into tears every five minutes, heh). I'm still dealing with a lot of stress from work, but I guess that's to be expected when you deal with idiots. For example, observe this little exchange that occurred today. I'd expect this from the people I take urine from - not a gubmint worker.

Coworker: "I need your help, please."
Myself (wandering over unwillingly): "Yes, what is it."
Coworker: "Look at this paper for a second, please, I need to make sure this sounds okay."
Myself (looking down at paper and seeing nothing wrong): "It's fine."
Coworker: "Yes, but how do you abbreviate the word second?"
Myself (looking at the paper and noting that it's clearly marked '2nd' on the paper): "Uh. It's there. On the paper."
Coworker (looks down): "Where?"
Myself (now speaking very slowly, as to a six year old): "Two....en.... dee."
Coworker: "Ohhhh! I see it now, thank you."
Myself (trying not to mutter 'moron' under my breath): "You're welcome."
Coworker (calling after me as I start to leave): "So how do you abbreviate the word floor?"
Myself (resisting the urge to bang my head against a doorway): (complete silence)

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the caliber of person that is working for your government. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the caliber of person that is responsible for your safety in the nation's capital. Reassured yet?

(/sarcasm off)

Anyway, other than the usual idiocy... things are fine. One note, though - I did decide to take my real name off of the profile here. Why? Because although I no longer go by a 'persona' as I did in the IRC days, this is still my blog and my personal business. Yes, it's on the web, I'm well aware - "How personal could it be?", I bet you're thinking.

Here's the thing, okay. I write in here, 99.9% of the time, on my personal time. I don't write in it at work, I don't bitch and complain about my coworkers when I'm there - I'm there to do a job. As far as I'm concerned, however, when quitting time comes around, what I do is my business. If that includes talking about how idiotic everyone I work with is, that's again my concern and my business. I'm sure that the gubmint's already 'watching' me to some extent - they may know all about this blog. That's okay by me, because as far as I know, expressing my opinion is still perfectly legal. And I'm not 'afraid' of any of the people I work with - believe me, if they ask me what I think of them, I'll tell them outright and frankly enjoy it, too, heh. Good thing they haven't asked me, isn't it. But there's no point in muddying the waters, so to speak. My "colleagues" have no reason to look me up on the Internet - and even if they did, my real name is disgustingly common, anyway. Still, I'd rather just keep my blog as my personal outlet for my frustration, you know?

No, I'm not chicken, lol. I'm sure some might think that - to which I say, "Fuck you." :)

Couple of things in the works tonight - my Dell Mini shipped today and I'm looking forward to it, very much. Will post pictures when I can get a hold of a camera that works, heh. I may be buying a camera very shortly as well.

And... I'm looking for a new apartment. Might have one lined up, I'm going to see it over the weekend. Will keep everyone posted.

And th-th-th-that's all, folks. Thursday at the drug unit again tomorrow, blehfuckgawddamnsonofasyphiliticbitch. I'm so looking forward to that, sarcasm off again.

Off to watch Mythbusters. More later.

This is SO New York City, lol.

Anywhere else? People would've been in absolute awe. In New York? Yawn, just another day. God, I love it!