Big, fat deal.

So Greg and I went down to Kings Dominion this weekend for an event with some of our new friend circle. I'll admit that while I had quite a blast (and him as well, I think)... I'm starting to realize that in a lot of ways, I'm starting to get old - or at least set in my ways. I just wasn't that eager to get on rides and be flipped upside down, feel G-forces making my heart race, any of that. The few that I did get on were sedate, quiet, even boring.

I'll also make a confession here - I just wasn't willing to be squeezed into a ride, either. Let's face it, people - while I can still get into a standard amusement park ride, I'm overweight (okay, fat, if you will) enough to not be too damned comfortable in them. And I'm sorry, folks - but that's a problem. I consider that a problem.

I spent half of the day wondering if I was going to be able to fit into the lap bars on the rides - and that's not a good feeling, ladies and gentlemen. Nor is it a good feeling to look around you and literally notice that you're the biggest person in line. Not necessarily in the park - but in line. Big difference. Maybe it was just paranoia, but I could feel peoples' eyes on me. "What's that big girl doing in the line? Does she think she can squeeze her fat ass into that seat? Bahahaha, that's a good one!"

I still can, yes, but that's not the point here.

The point is that it's gotten to a point where it's just not comfortable for me anymore to be what I am, physically. I'm suffering health problems, and I know it. It remains to be seen if the health problems I have are the cause of my weight, however - and we're investigating that. There's a damned good possibility that it really IS medical in nature. I know, I know, every overweight person claims that, but in my case it may be true. I've had a hormonal imbalance for years, decades, and it's run riot, completely unchecked. My OB is investigating that - that's why all of the nasty medical procedures recently.

If that's the cause of it - great. I'm looking forward to dropping a few pounds, trust me. If it's not... well, then, I know what my next step is.

As someone who's been overweight for most of her life, I will say this - don't ever believe that overweight is caused by too much eating and nothing else. It can be, sure, but it's often not the reason. Sometimes the reason is not eating enough.

Greg pointed out to me over the weekend that I don't eat nearly enough, which causes me to binge when I finally do get around to eating - and he's right. That's exactly what I do. I try to make up for all of the meals I should have eaten in one setting - then I'm sick for days and won't eat again. A vicious, severely unhealthy cycle.... that I'm going to try and break. If I can. I hope I can.

Some of this is psychological, I'm almost sure of that. Because of all of the abuse I've been through, both childhood and adulthood, I probably feel so unworthy that I don't eat at all - after all, I'm overweight, why should I stuff my face? Never mind that stuffing my face, in my case, equals fueling my body in order to survive.

Wow, tears. Lots of tears. I guess this is a frontier of my cracked mind that I haven't explored yet... but after all, it's such a huge (hah, hah) part of my psyche, damaged though it may be. I have to confront it eventually, and I guess that I'm far enough in my healing that it should be now. I'm just so afraid that I'll uncover shit I don't want to uncover, and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle that, if that's so.

Greg says that he loves me the way I am. He has no idea how much that means to me, because I've never felt like anyone ever did, that I've had to fundamentally change in order to be accepted and cared about. For once in my life... I don't feel like I have to be someone else.

And maybe that's the key to my finally losing weight... knowing that even if I don't drop a pound, an inch, if the scale never changes again... that I'm still loved.