So. Life rolls on.

It might seem like a really bad thing to say, but as of late, my life has been more or less quiet and calm, with little to no flareups of the depression or anything close to it. Of course, that's not a bad thing for ME - I'm enjoying this stretch of peace immensely. However, I find that the peace has come at a cost. I pretty much no longer have any kind of social life or connections or obligations. I find myself in the same position that I was in thirteen years ago - alone, isolated, hiding from the world in my little living space. The only difference is that it's a house now, not an apartment.

And yet I'm not unhappy about it. I feel that I need to just stay away from people right now, do my best to heal from all of the stress and abuse and bullshit that I've seen and heard and experienced, and live for myself - something that I don't think I've ever learned how to do. I feel an odd thrill every time I pay my mortgage, or find myself planning a shopping trip - little things that the "normal" take for granted every day, but for me have been a constant struggle. Yes, sometimes I get very lonely - I won't lie. But if that's the price that I have to pay for some sense of order and normalcy, then so be it.

I'm completely turned off of any type of intimacy right now, anyway - physical, emotional, mental. I'm not ready for it, and may honestly never be ready for it. That's okay, right now. I find that it's okay to just not want to deal with humanity on any but the most superficial level at the moment. I need to heal, and to learn to live with myself, in whatever form that might take. That's why the therapy.

The first appointment is on Monday afternoon at 4pm. Would it be strange to say that I'm half looking forward to it, and half dreading it? I'm looking forward to it because I know it's the beginning of what may turn out to be the longest, hardest journey of my life - but I'm dreading it because I know, I know, I KNOW it's going to be full of incredible, paralyzing pain. You see, I've been in therapy, but I've never really told anyone a lot of the things that I've been through - I've never been able to stay with a therapist long enough to delve past the basics. Hopefully, this time will be different. As a matter of fact, my doctor called me personally a few minutes ago to confirm the appointment and said that he was looking forward to meeting me on Monday. None of my previous doctors ever did such a thing - so I consider it a good omen. I'm hoping that this will help me start to heal from all of the crap I've been through in my life, whether it was self-caused or not.

I am so ready to start to live and not just exist.

Work is somewhat a mixed bag - while some good things have happened in the last few days, other things have become irritants that I'm not going to be able to ignore much longer. As usual, it has to do with coworkers being idiots, only I think I've begun to find my voice as far as protesting such behavior is concerned. Where I might have once let my complaints fester unspoken and shred me up inside with stress, instead I've been speaking out and making my opinion known. Somehow I'm just not afraid anymore to say something, perhaps?

One of the possible "good" things is that I may be considered for the "customer service of the year" award - this will be my second year in a row that I've been chosen for it, should I win. Honestly, though? I don't want it. I've been made fun of in sneaky, snide little ways ever since I won it last year, and I don't want the burden of it again. I keep telling myself that everyone who makes snarky little comments is jealous of my achievements - and I know that, deep down. But I've had to deal with jealousy all of my life every time I've managed to do something well or achieve good things. It's funny, but one of my ex-boyfriends (specifically Matt) once said, "You always seem(ed) so afraid to show how smart you really are/were."

Well, no wonder. Wouldn't you be afraid if you knew that people were going to attack you with nasty, back-handed comments when you managed to achieve something positive or "win" a contest of some kind?

Meh. I had so much to say, but as usual it's all gone after a long, exhausting day at work. This week has been absolutely brutal, especially Tuesday. I've found that I need to take a Tylenol PM every now and then in order to sleep without pain. It's just another sign that I'm starting to get old and I'm not going to be in great health in a few years if I keep going the way I am. At one time, I could have cared less, but now... well, I don't know if I still don't care or not, but I want a shot at trying to improve things. At least, today I do, anyway.

Blugh. You all know what I mean. I'm too tired to try and correct myself tonight, heh.