I rock. And I know it.

So, I received one of those "inspirational" Emails, you know... quote of the day and all of that. I'm usually not into the positive uplift crap, I'm a realistic, bitter bitch.... but today's mail offered up a challenge that I couldn't refuse.

That challenge was as follows:
List eight things that you like about yourself that cannot be tied to anyone else.

That's really quite hard, much more so than I thought. But I decided to give it a try.

1. I'm tenacious.
I'm beating depression - that says enough right there. While I'm not all the way there by any means, I'm a far, far cry from what I was even 6 months ago. And it takes a lot of obstinacy to keep fighting - trust me on this. But I won't give up. I refuse to.

2. I work my ass off.
My work ethic is incredibly strong. I probably work harder than anyone I know. I'm there first, leave last. I deal with the nastiest clients you can possibly imagine... but I do it because it's my job. Same for my classes. I may not like them, but I'll be damned if I leave something unfinished. That's how I roll.

3. My sense of humor.
Admittedly, I don't laugh or smile as often as I once did. But that doesn't mean I don't find things amusing as all hell. People have told me that they find me quite witty, when I want to be. That I don't know about, but I do have the ability to laugh at the most absurd shit.

4. Love of learning.
I've always loved to learn new things. I enjoyed school very much when I was a child (the learning aspect of it, that is - social... ehhhh) and worked very hard to achieve and absorb the lessons that were being taught. It's carried over into my adult life. I don't even know that I'll be done with school after I receive the B.S. degree, because now I'm seriously considering an M.S. in criminal justice. But we'll see.

5. My sense of responsibility.
I grew up with pretty much no money. This earliest lesson in life has taught me to be responsible - not only with money, but with other aspects of my life. If I have a duty to perform, I will do it, and to the best of my ability. I do not shirk from hard or difficult tasks. To do so would go against the grain for me.

6. Generosity.
I've been known to give the shirt off of my back to someone who needed it. (Okay, pervs, make your commments in your heads now, but it's a saying. Fuck off. Haha.) This has often led to people taking outrageous advantage of me, but it's a trait that I wouldn't give up for anything in the world. I love making people happy, and I've been taught to share what I have with others. Granted, I may not have much, but if someone's in need, I share. Not many can say that.

7. Tolerance.
In recent years, this quality has taken a huge backseat, due to... we'll say my choice of company. But in recent months, my tolerance of others has grown a bit stronger. I really do not hold any pre-conceived notions of people before I meet them. I am color-blind. I do not see brown skin or a turban or a man dressed as a woman. I see a human being, flesh and blood, just like me. If I deserve respect as a human being, so do they. End of story.

8. Common sense.
I often lose my temper over this quality, but I really do think I have more "common sense" than most. I think things through, as much as I can, before doing them, and I use contextual clues to help me along when I don't understand something. Now, I know I'm not perfect by any means. But I really do think that for the most part, I've used good judgement when making decisions. Especially lately.

.... so, I managed to do just that. I'm actually pretty surprised that I could list that much, as I never thought that I was really anything special or that I had any good qualities to offer.

But I do. I so rock. :D

Where is the time going?

It seems that I can barely keep up with things these days, but that might be a good omen. As it is, I should be in bed right now, as I have to work tomorrow (instead of shopping like all of the deal-seeking morons on Black Friday) - but I've been perusing the online sales instead. (Hey... I may be a deal-seeking moron, but I have enough sense to do it online.)

There's so much that I need. I don't know where to start. Do I buy things for the kitchen or the bathroom? Or the bedroom? Where do I begin? I have so many ideas and so little money - or time. I don't even know which way my head's spinning at the moment. But I'm not really stressing out too much over it all. I have time. I'm not going anywhere.

I've had a decent Thanksgiving. For once, the holidays aren't getting me down. I've decided to spend New Year's Eve in New York's Times Square. That should be the last place I'd want to go, seeing that it's overcrowded and crazy; but it's something that I really want to see once in my life - and 2011 is going to be all about me. I'm putting myself first.

Anyhow. This is really just a quick update, for now, but I'm planning on writing a bit more when I have time. That is, if I get time, heh.

More later.

Finally, a chance to write.

This past week at work has sucked, heh, I didn't lie about that. We've lost a bunch of people, which makes me have to work that much harder, and it's getting tiresome, this business of watching people take a leak day in and day out. I really don't know why I'm bitching about it, since I'm still employed and there are plenty of folk out there that would scream to have my job... I guess it's just the usual run-down, day-to-day monotony that's getting me down.

I actually haven't been feeling very 'right' for a while now, not at least since I first got physically sick. I'm fine now, the cold/sinus infection/whatever the fuck it was has cleared up... but inside there's this queer "dead" feeling, like all of my emotions have taken a vacation. I mean, I'm "fine".. but not fine. If that makes any sense. I'm actually not very unhappy about it, as it allows me to focus on what I need to do at the present, which is try to get through work, get ready for the next semester at school, etc., etc. and yadda-yadda. It's still a strange feeling, though. I think maybe I'm cushioning myself for the fact that I will, again, be all alone for Christmas/New Year's, and that there's no point in crying about it. It is what it is - God, how I hate that phrase now that it's been overused to death!

I have no idea of what my plans are. Probably no plans at all. Laundry, cleaning. I really need to take care of some of this shit while I have the downtime, but it seems kind of sad that that's all there is to "celebrate". It's what I did last year, if I recall right, and had an attack shortly thereafter. I hope this medicine will buffer against that this year. But I guess I'll just have to see what comes.

Thursday. I don't want to go out there and sign in more drug addicts for tests, but that's exactly what I'm going to end up doing in about 20 minutes, bleh.

I might try and go somewhere this year. Ocean City might be nice, though it'll be cold... but what the hell, it's better than staying home and being all by myself, at least I can be all by myself in a different place. We'll see.

In the short term, I'm doing okay, I suppose. Dead emotional landscape, like I said, but maybe that's good.

Just noticed how many times I've said "I" or a derivative of it in this post... damn, it really is all about me, isn't it. Those few that read here must think that I don't think of anything else, or have anything else to discuss or contribute, but then again, the world at large really doesn't interest me right now. I didn't make this blog to be "clevar" or "interesting" or even anything but a personal bitchfest, heh. Sometimes I wish I could be a little more interesting, but that's all in the eye of the beholder, I suppose.

Anyway. This is getting too long and I'm tired and probably not making much sense anyhow. I feel that queer sense of ... I don't know. Like an attack is going to come, and soon, but I don't know when or where. I wish I could just live my life without fearing that.

Back to work.

I'm in utter shock!

I'm back in school. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after a lapse of nearly 20 years, I've taken the plunge and applied to UMUC for a B.S. degree in criminal justice (major)/forensics (minor).

Was it the right thing to do? At this point in my life, I feel that it is. While my MDD isn't completely under control - yet - the Wellbutrin and buspirone have made things so much better for me lately that I feel that I can start learning again. I'm going to take it very easy at first - just two classes during the summer session - and they're all online, so that'll make it easy for me to fit them into my schedule. It may take me 8 or 9 years to finish at that rate, but you know... at least I'm doing it, and in 8 or 9 years I'll have something I can be proud of. I always wanted to go back to school, to repair the damage that I did to my own life - so now's the time, or at least I feel that it is.

I have a good job, yes, especially now with all of the layoffs and unemployment going on. But it's never been in my nature to just.. stop aiming for something a little better. I sure don't want to be taking urine samples for the rest of my life! Just like when I was at CompUSA and not wanting to return "broken" computer products (that we knew damned well weren't broken) for the rest of my life, though for a time that's all I thought I was good for. Like everything else negative, I'm finding that maybe that's just not the case...

Anyway, we'll see. I still can't believe that I did something this crazy. Where the hell am I going to get the money for this... ahhh, well. What's done is done. I'll work it out somehow. This is something worth going into debt for, heh.

This quote from Rita Mae Brown's "Six Of One" sums it up nicely: "Put your money in your head, that way no one can take it from you."

Thoughts kicking around in my head, a.k.a. another meaningless post.

So far the response has been overwhelmingly in favor of the new look to the blog, and I'm delighted that everyone seems to like it. Thanks to all of you who've expressed your opinion and have told me that it looks great. I really did work very hard on the concept and design of this, have been planning it for weeks, etc. And I've gotten help from my closest friends in the form of programming, opinions on design, what looks good, what doesn't fit, etc. There's still some minor bugs to work out - I'm not pleased with the tags above the posts, for example - but the foundation is laid, so to speak. I'm very happy with it, and I'm glad that you all are, too.

I recently have friend-requested a couple of other "acquaintances" on Facebook, only to receive... well, no response. I'll tell you, that's one thing good about Facebook and all of these social networking sites - you learn really, really fast who is interested in your life, and those who couldn't give two shits about you. This time I'm not even expending the energy to be pissed off. See, over the last couple of weeks, I've been thinking... the people that are in my life, I'm starting to fit them into a nifty little 'graph' of sorts. Observe:



The little red dot in the middle of the 'target' is me. And the colored zones represent how 'close' one is to me. Obviously, the lighter the color, the closer you are to me. Now, granted, this picture isn't 'perfect', and just because one might be in the "really close to me" portion, that doesn't mean that I think of everyone the same way... but it's a close enough approximation to how I'm thinking these days. Yellow, it means you're REALLY close... i.e., you've seen me at my absolute worst, ever. Green? It means you know me, but... it's more of a loose friendship-bordering-on-acquaintance level. Blue, it's a definite acquaintance level with not much more going on than that. And black? It either means I don't know you at all, you're a stranger to me... or worse, you've been banished from my life altogether.

Most people are going to land in either the green or blue sections. A VERY few are in the yellow. And way too many are in the black portion... people whom have been banished from my life, people that I know and don't want to know, people whom have proven themselves unworthy of my friendship and what I have to offer.

Do these people on Facebook qualify for the 'banishment' level? No, but at the same time they're still in that black zone... because they're strangers to me. And I've decided to keep them that way.

I'm starting to learn that I don't need other people's "approval" to live my life the way I want to live it. If one doesn't care to be friends with me, or to hang around me.... fuck them, that's their loss. I'm still going to grin and "do my thang", regardless. I have no more time for negativity or unhappiness.

Here's a video that spells out my feelings rather well. Lyrics are here. Enjoy. This is a great track.

I meant to write this on someone else's blog as an answer post, but...

...it was too long of an answer, go figure. -_- So, uh... enjoy some senselessness.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My first name, no, it was picked out of thin air – at least that’s what they tell me. My middle name (which I won’t deign to actually write down, as I hate it) is from the Elizabeth Montgomery character on the show “Bewitched”. If you’ve ever seen the show, you’ll know what the name is.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I cry every day so you’ll have to be more specific than that. It was probably from a depression attack, as it’s the only time I really do ever cry at all.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Most of the time. When I’m extremely tired or rushed, it’s a mess, but otherwise it’s perfect “Catholic school” handwriting.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? I like the expensive stuff – roast beef, hard salami, that sort of thing. Not wild about plain old ham or bologna, really.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No indeed, and probably won’t ever. I’m okay with that.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Of course I would… I’m just the coolest EVER. :p
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? I am the QUEEN of sarcasm.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Unless someone didn’t tell me something, yes.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? You know, I’d like to say that I would, but the truth is that I’m a big chickenshit.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I have to be in the mood for breakfast cereal in general but when I am, plain old Kellogg’s Raisin Bran suits me just fine. I DO have a liking for the Special K, though.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I usually don’t wear lace-up shoes at all, but when I do… not at all. I tie sixteen knots in the laces in order to keep them from dragging on the ground. Untying sixteen knots and then tying them up again is a pain in the ass.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? I like it all, unfortunately, heh. I have a passion for the Edy’s Fruit and Ice bars as of late, though.
13 WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If they’re intelligent or not. And it’s really easy to tell, heh.
14. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? You have time? And a lot of paper? Pens that won’t run out?
15. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? The way I used to be before the depression hit.
16 DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? They can if they want, it’s nothing to me if they don’t.
17 WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Army-green T-shirt and red pajama pants with little pink hearts on them. -_- You die if you tell anyone. :p
18 FAVORITE SOUNDS: Music. Any music. Well, ALMOST any music.
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? A very bad 1981 Marty Balin song called “Hearts”.
20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Black. Nothing but black.
21. FAVORITE SMELLS? I have this lotion from Crabtree and Evelyn that smells vaguely like citrus and pepper. It’s beautiful. And my body wash from Dove, it was a “night formula” that they don’t make anymore but it was like a combination of baby powder and Ivory. I bought up the entire stores’ worth before they pulled it.
22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? One of my coworkers to tell her that I wouldn’t be coming to work today because of the weather.
23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? No one sent it to me, but I like the person whose blog it’s on!
24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Actually I like watching sports, sometimes. Baseball, usually, but I like the oddball ones that used to be on Wide World of Sports when it was on – ice skating, diving, things like that.
25. HAIR COLOR: Right now it’s reddish brown, heh. :p
26. EYE COLOR: Hazel.
27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? I tried, but they were just too uncomfortable.
28. FAVORITE FOOD? I have too varied tastes to narrow it down these days.
29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary movies. There is no such thing as a “happy ending” unless you go to a massage parlor.
30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Ugh, hmm… it’s been a while… I think it was Madagascar 2. That was pretty good, but I love animation anyway, it could have sucked for all I know but I’d have still liked it.
31. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Isn’t this the same question as #17 above? (You can tell when people are running out of shit to ask on these things, heh.)
32. SUMMER OR WINTER? Most definitely winter.
33. HUGS OR KISSES? Is there a difference?
34. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? I’m not reading anything at the moment, I need to go back to the bookstore for new material.
35. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I have an optical mouse, I don’t need one.
36. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? An old episode of ‘House M.D.’ – I don’t watch much television anymore.
37. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Duh. Both!
38. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Sydney, Australia
39 DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Yes – I can put my foot in my mouth. I do it quite often!
40. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? University of Maryland Medical Center in bee-you-tiff-full downtown Baltimore :p

Abandoned Saturday meme and other flights of fancy.

I found this at The Daily Meme, it doesn't seem to have a home, but I thought that it was sort of interesting, anyway. So... the original instructions.

Pick your birth month and cross (strike) out what doesn't apply to you. Then post the whole list for the next person or link back to here.

MARCH:
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

Heh. That wasn't far wrong, was it. Kind of interesting, but it's like astrology, really, you have to sort of take it with a grain of salt. Still fun, though.

I'm still alive, honest.

Work's sucked. I've been busy. Blah, blah, ad nauseum.

I'll have more time over the weekend for blogging, conversation, and other such frivolities. Until then... suffer, bitches. :D