I’ve just woken and I’m not really coherent, still – but there’s sort of a heaviness in my heart, which isn’t too good of a sign. The weekends are definitely the worst time for me, because my mind isn’t occupied with work or other matters. I know that there’s a lot to be done around here with the house, cleaning up, unpacking and sorting (things that I still haven’t gotten to yet)… but I can’t seem to get up the motivation to do it. I think that some of that has to do with not facing the inevitable memories that will come with unpacking my things – easier for me to pretend that it all never happened.
People can’t understand why I constantly buy and replace furnishings, books, objects. I honestly think that’s my way of purging bad memories from my mind. I have a perfectly good mattress upstairs that I could sleep on – but in my head, that mattress represents pain, as a good deal of things happened concerning that bed that I don’t want to remember anymore. That’s why I want rid of it. That’s why I’m sleeping on this Godawful sofa. And quite honestly, I’ll be probably getting rid of that too soon. Too much associated with it that I don’t want to think about any longer.
Moving on has been a bit easier than I’d anticipated. I think it’s just a matter of filling the now-empty time with other activities, which I’m trying to do. Therapy has been a big help in filling up Sundays, because it takes so long to get there and back, so that’s good. And I’d had plans for yesterday, only they were waylaid because of a nasty headache. I still find that I’m physically unwell during the weekends, and that’s probably psychosomatic. It’s something to talk to the doctor about, I think.
I dearly wish I had more confidence in myself. That’s something that I’ve never held an abundance of, and it’s even worse these days.
Otherwise, I’ve been all right, I guess. The weekdays aren’t so hard, because I’m busy and my empty head is occupied with other things. It’s the weekends that I have trouble with.
But I will be fine… won’t I?
2 comments:
I think psychsomatic is the wrong word b/c it is filled with a lot of negative connotations. You probably don't feel well b/c your stress level is higher on the weekends and the depression worse for exactly the reasons you said about not having distractions. Those things absolutely can impact your physical health. It isn't "just in your head," and I think you should give yourself a break! You are doing really well to continue to try to find peace - many ppl would have given up years ago. You are brave and shouldn't beat yourself up about it! :)
i agree with bryarly. you're doing really well and these are things that will take time. i totally understand the need to replace things. even if it's the same damn thing and costs more freakin money, to me, it's the fact it's not "that one!" take it easy when you need to today. hell, it's sunday.. isn't that a "day of rest" anyway? i'm not religious, but i like using that excuse as much as possible.. LOL
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