Struggling... but forging ahead.

I had been feeling better about things for the last couple of days, but I find myself turning melancholy once again. The situation last week has taken more of a toll on me than I ever dreamed... and it's frightening because I don't know that I'll ever really recover from it.

Part of my therapy session this week dealt with that loss, and intense discussion about it. I had never really talked with anyone about it before (maybe because the circumstances were such that I felt a little ashamed of it). After a good deal of explanation, including specifics of the situation, my doctor said something that resonated with me... it not only made me feel a little better, but it's given me hope.

He'd said to me, "You cannot blame yourself. You have the hope of a normal, healthy relationship. Once you deal with all of the pain that you've been subjected to... you have a chance of being happy with another person. The other person in your situation does not. The other person in your situation has very deep issues, issues that are brain-related. Speaking from a psychological point of view, this person is very sick. They will never get any better or have anything more than what they have right now - because their pattern keeps repeating, over and over. They will not ever have a successful, healthy relationship... but you will."

It was like a sledgehammer had slammed into my brain.

I try to hold on to my doctor's words. I really do. It's eased some of the still-intense pain that I feel. It gives me hope that one day, one day.... I'll find a person that I can relate to and that can relate to me.

I've met someone recently, through one of the myriad online dating sites. We seem to have a lot in common, but... he recently dropped a bombshell that he was "legally married, but hasn't seen her in years", blah blah. He's told me 4 days after meeting me, so perhaps he's on the up and up, but... I just feel like I can't trust him. I know that it's because of all of the shit I've been through. I know that. I'm still speaking with him, because after all - we're only friends. It's not went any further, and even if it did, it wouldn't happen right away, as he lives in Florida.

Why can't I meet someone that's decent, honest, and lives HERE, for Chrissake?

Ah, forgive me. I really should choose better music... I'm listening to a song that reminds me of ... well, the situation. Oddly, the lyrics sort of fit....

Babe, baby, baby, I'm gonna leave you
I said baby, you know I'm gonna leave you.
I'll leave you when the summertime,
Leave you when the summer comes a-rollin'
Leave you when the summer comes along.

Classic Led Zeppelin. I love it so. Only right now it's full of pain.

The overwhelming anxiety has finally disappeared. But I know I'm not the same. I don't laugh or smile anymore. My appetite has been reduced to nearly nothing (not that that's a bad thing, as I'm losing weight like crazy, heh). And even the smallest of triggers can reduce me to a sobbing ball of mush.

But I'll get over this. It's not my fault.... I'm normal. I'm normal. I have to hang on to those words... I'll recover and I'll be happy. Won't I?

I wonder sometimes.