As everyone can see, there's a new look floating about around here. It's not as... uh, black as it used to be. I'm not sure if I'll actually keep the theme that's up now - I'm not used to all of this bright pastel shit - but it won't go back to what it was before. It's a work in progress, much like myself.
I have continued to take steps toward healing. I am currently in the process of sorting and organizing the massive piles of paper that have collected over the past six years when I was... "out", we'll say. Unfortunately, organization is not my strong point, just like housekeeping isn't, heh... so there's a lot to do. A lot. But it'll get done eventually. In the meantime, I've begun clearing out remnants of my past, both on paper and in my head. I've opened up a lot more about those dark years that were my depression.. that led up to my depression. I've shed some tears over it, yes, but they're the sort of tears that I think have to come... the ones that burn inside until you can't hold them back anymore. It's a catharsis. I'm beginning to truly heal, it's not just show.
I have begun to let go of a lot of people, a lot of things. I am starting to see what was real... and what was fallacy. I'm starting to realize that I held impossible dreams about situations and about certain people that were never slated to come true, were never possible except in my own cracked head. And that's okay, because it allowed me to survive what I needed to. When I think now of losing certain things in my life... mainly the obsession that so ruled me over the last few years.... I still feel a slight sting. But that's all it is - a sting. Nothing more. It passes, and I'm myself again. I am still alive. I am still me. :) I didn't die.
Indeed, I no longer think about these things anymore.
Do I have regrets for the way I've treated certain people? Oh, you bet I do. I was stupid in a lot of ways. But... maybe it was all meant to be this way, because I wouldn't have what I have now. And what I have now is pretty damned good, honestly.
For example. I don't refer much to the person that I lived with in Georgia (not my ex-husband, the person after him) because it was incredibly painful, both the situation and the ending. I still haven't processed a lot of this situation yet, so I'm slowly working on coming to grips with the bleak reality of where I was and what I was doing (or not doing). However, I got curious (always a bad thing) and looked him up on the evil Eff-Bee to see if he was there, what he was doing, etc. I found out that he had moved to Florida and was in a new relationship.
There's that slight sting again. But... I was oddly peaceful with what I'd found out. The fact is that he and I were never meant to be, obviously - he's with a new person, I'm with a new person. I'd venture to bet that he's just as happy with his new love as I am with mine. So... in a way, while the past hurts a bit, perhaps I was meant to go through that hurt to appreciate the good things that I have now. Does that make any sense?
There are things about that time that I'm not proud of. Things that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I will eventually talk about them, most likely here. And I'll probably cry my eyes out while talking about them. But...catharsis. Healing. Purging the sick from my soul so that I continue to grow, to learn, to heal. It's what I need to do. It's what I continue to strive for.
I have learned much in the last 8 months.
Things are going well otherwise. My relationship with Greg is as strong as ever, even though we're both tired a lot because of work schedules (and they conflict, bluh, figures) and we don't see one another nearly as much as we'd like. The limerance has ended, certainly - we're not starry-eyed teenagers, heh - but I think we have plenty of strength and a solid base from which to begin building on. I still have fears, a lot of the time - but that's only natural given what I've been through. He understands this, bless him. He is truly one in a million.
I'm laying here writing this and listening to him breathing beside me. It's a good sound. A solid, comforting sound. It's something that I could find myself listening to forever. :)
Okay, everyone go "awwwww" now. :p
Nothing else is new, really. But you know what? Sometimes that's a good thing. :D
No comments:
Post a Comment