I'm sitting here watching the snow fall and pile up on my porch. It's not the first time it's snowed this year here, but... it's the first that's been more than a 'dusting', so to speak. I've been in a contemplative mood today, just thinking about where I am now as opposed to where I was this time last year. I'm certainly a lot healthier (at least mentally, maybe physically as well) now than I was. For some reason, my mind keeps going back in time to the mental hospital... and the things that I saw, heard, felt. I guess it's normal, what I'm feeling right now. But it was frightening... and it's frightening now that I could have ever been in that position. I suppose that's a sign of how strong I've truly gotten over the last year, though.
People keep saying that I should give myself much more credit than I do. For this, I think I'll take it.
There's not really much that's 'new', to be honest. Things are the same here, but I think I'm starting to be okay with that. I've lived enough drama and 'excitement' (if you could call it that) for 10 people - all that I want now is peace and quiet. Heh, maybe that's a sign of getting old, too. But a comfortable routine is what I've never had growing up, so... this feels shockingly good. Now that I'm starting to settle down, I'm finding that I'm discovering interests. A lot of interests. I don't even know where to start first!
One thing that is a little odd is that for some reason, I miss Matt tonight. I don't really think that I miss Matt in particular, but how things used to be when I was 17 and naive. If things had stayed that way, if things had continued to be what they were back then... well. It's really pointless to think about that, I guess, as everything changes over time. But I do think about it. I think of how life might have been if I'd gotten married, settled down in a nice little house in Anne Arundel County somewhere, done the nuclear family with the matching Ravens shirts on, the pickup truck, the country music, all of that. Again, it's really not what I want (or ever wanted, I don't think)... but it's just the idea of that security, that comfortable feeling of "all is right with the world". I guess watching the snow fall is doing that, I don't know. All that I know is that everything, for now, is okay in my world. That's all that matters, I suppose.
So I'm editing this to add: this is the kind of song that I'm actually enjoying on a day like this. It's odd because I absolutely hate summer, heh, go figure. But this is easily one of my favorite tracks of all time. Enjoy. P.S. Mama Cass might have been a heavy chick, but my God, was she gorgeous. I'd have done her.
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