Strangeness.

I have had what can only be termed a strange week. Oh, it's not been unusual as far as particular moods or outlooks on life are concerned - I still more or less feel like shit and hate 99.9% of humanity, heh. But some things have happened that have been good, disturbing, and interesting - sometimes all at once.

First, let's start wth the good and get that happy, cheery, positive shit out of the way, shall we? Anyway, I believe that I've found therapy that may just work for me. It's right down the street at a clinic called Chase-Brexton. They've been around for quite a while, mainly focusing on the GLBT community in Baltimore, but they've expanded to serve everyone - and that includes mental health. So I actually DID call my insurance company - decided that I couldn't take any more bullshit, if I had to stay on hold for hours, so be it - and for once, they were actually pretty helpful. They referred me over to CBHS, so I get to talk with referral staff today. Oh, joy. The sarcasm is misplaced, though, in this instance - I need to get back on medication, or talk to someone I can relate to, I don't know. I'm dubious that any of this shit will help me, but at this point I've got nothing to lose but my sanity. (And possibly, my job, if I don't get right soon.)

Now, the interesting. (I know, it's out of order, but the disturbing will come in a moment, because it bothers me - a lot - and I may need peoples' thoughts on it.)

The interesting is only that I've managed to strike up a conversation with a guy that rides the commuter train with me in the mornings. That's it. I know, earth-shattering news, but when you live in an antisocial bubble and do your best to avoid any and all human contact, it's a big deal, at least to me. Of course, my workplace in its infinite wisdom has switched me back over to the evening shift, which means I won't get to see him for another month. Thanks, assholes.

Now, for the disturbing. And the subject of said disturbance may be reading here. If that's so, I will warn that subject now to stop reading, or be prepared to be a little hurt by what I say, because I feel what I feel, and your presence in my life doesn't stop those feelings. In other words, deal with it. Ready? Here it comes.

I have recently reconnected with a person that was in my life about 20 years ago, when I was a green idiot in high school. That person did something to me way back when to cause me to abandon the friendship - it's really not that important what it was now, something that was probably very petty. But as we all know, people with mental conditions such as I have don't see things that way, and they carry slights and hurt with them like so much luggage for years. This is no different for me.

And, additionally as we all know, I in particular do not forgive a slight very easily.

Anyway, I have been questioning myself as to what my real motive is for getting back in touch with this person. Is it so that I can take my very real and still very fresh anger out on them? Should I have gotten back in touch with them at all, or should I have just let sleeping dogs lie? And can I still do that? This hasn't gotten very far, after all, I haven't really updated this person on my life or what's going on with me - I just know about them. And from the pieces of news that I've received, they're simply not doing very well.

God help me, but in some ways I think it's poetic justice. They hurt me, I now wonder if they know what it feels like to hurt. I actually get some pleasure out of that - isn't that terrible?

I'm seriously thinking of just quietly walking away from the situation, partially because I think my motives are unclean (i.e., I just want to hurt them in revenge for hurting me all those years ago, which isn't the reason why someone should be coming back into a person's life), and partially because said person's life is in upheaval and full of drama, which is the LAST thing I need to deal with at this point in my life. I need uncomplicated and drama-free, and the appearance of this person isn't going to make it so. Not by a long shot.

Anyhow. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Like I said - a strange week. I have a paper due this weekend, which is good, because I'll actually have to concentrate on something other than my vacant head.

Must work now. Adios. :p