The too-much-on-my-mind syndrome.

I have to work today on what is one of my 4 Saturdays of the year (though it's ended up a lot more than that - so much for promises), and I can't sleep due to... that's right... the "too much on my mind" syndrome. Every time I turn over in bed, I keep getting thoughts - tonight it's been everything but the kitchen sink. My future, what I want to do, the possibility of school, the possibility of paying off bills, buying a house, thinking about my prospects, thinking about my past, thinking thinking thinking. I don't know why this always happens on a Saturday morning when I have to work and need all the sleep I can get, but... meh.

Hopefully writing in here will take some of those thoughts out and allow me to at least get some rest.

I was lying in bed and thinking about the few positive things that I got out of my life in Valdosta - and trust me, there wasn't much - but there were some things. For example... I learned how to swim. At 31 years of age, I finally learned how to move my legs and arms in just the right way so that I was swimming and not just thrashing on the side of a pool.

I remember the day, too. It was a really hot summer day in Valdosta, as they tend to be, and I was just kind of cooling off in Matt's parents' pool... and suddenly while I was moving around, I just... got it. It clicked. After all of those years, it was like a light bulb coming on. And for the rest of the afternoon, I just swam, swam, swam, I was a water sprite. I was DOING it! I felt really proud of myself, that I'd taught myself a new skill.

Unfortunately, I haven't really gotten to swim since. I doubt that I'd be able to really save myself in a rough ocean - my skills aren't honed by any means - but I can get into a pool without making a fool of myself, and for that I'm proud.

While I was remembering that memory, I also remembered the storms in Valdosta. I have some bad memories of that, especially the one time where the roof caved in while I was sleeping (remind me to write about that one day when I feel less fragile, if you will) - but some of the storms were nothing short of beautiful. The gray skies, the smell of rain approaching, the warm wind just gusting... no storm in Maryland can quite compare. If I'd lived in a better place, if I were more secure... I would have loved the rain on my roof and watching it pour. But... well, that's another story for another day.

Another memory that comes to me is when I finally got behind the wheel of a car - or in this case, truck - for the first time. Being with Matt held a lot of negativity, believe me - but he was good for me in some respects, and one of them is that he thoroughly believed that I was able to learn new things. Driving was one of them, and he was a good teacher. He got me further with being able to drive than anyone else has to date. I remember driving down country roads in Valdosta at all hours - day, night, 4pm or 4am. I was never scared, driving at night - in Valdosta, there's not much in the way of traffic at that hour. At one point, I took the test down there, but I failed due to the parallel parking business. It's still the ONE thing that I don't know. I'm bound to fix that very, very soon.

Ah, I don't know. This is all a pointless ramble, no doubt, but it's better to get it out of my head so that it won't be churning in there. It's rare that I ever get a chance to write something down right away that I want to talk about, too, so... here it is in the rough. Now you know my thought processes!

Anyway. It's 1am now, and I have to be up at 4:30am. Doesn't seem much point in trying to sleep, but I have to attempt - at least I might be able to half-function. With no sleep at all, gah, who knows.