In the past, the first half of October would have been the time I would have, at the very least, dissolved into a depressive funk - and at the most, had an episode of the screaming meemies.
You see, the first half of October, for me, is memory-laden, and not with good things.
October 2: This year, it's the fifth anniversary of my divorce.
October 10: My now ex-husband is 43 years old.
October 13: This year, it would have been eleven years since the day I was married.
No, none of these dates mean good things for me, usually. And yet... this year I think nothing of them. I reflect back on eleven years ago... when I was preparing to say that little phrase that would "lock" me to another human being... and I honestly remember that I didn't feel much of anything. Should that be the way a prospective bride feels?
Today, I feel much like that prospective bride - nothing ripples the calm surface. For me, this is a positive step. For me, it shows that I've taken huge steps toward healing, if not conquered this entirely.
Today is my ex-husband's birthday. I only feel the concern that maybe a stranger would now - "oh, yeah? well, happy birthday" as I go on my way. I do hope that his life is happier today than it was 11 years ago. I hope that he is settled, maybe with a new wife, some children - he always wanted that. I feel no ill will toward him - indeed, I feel nothing at all but a slight memory, a time that I've pretty much put out of my head. Not banished.... not that. Just put away, for good.
Onward. :)
Showing posts with label georgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label georgia. Show all posts
10 October 2011
24 January 2009
The too-much-on-my-mind syndrome.
I have to work today on what is one of my 4 Saturdays of the year (though it's ended up a lot more than that - so much for promises), and I can't sleep due to... that's right... the "too much on my mind" syndrome. Every time I turn over in bed, I keep getting thoughts - tonight it's been everything but the kitchen sink. My future, what I want to do, the possibility of school, the possibility of paying off bills, buying a house, thinking about my prospects, thinking about my past, thinking thinking thinking. I don't know why this always happens on a Saturday morning when I have to work and need all the sleep I can get, but... meh.
Hopefully writing in here will take some of those thoughts out and allow me to at least get some rest.
I was lying in bed and thinking about the few positive things that I got out of my life in Valdosta - and trust me, there wasn't much - but there were some things. For example... I learned how to swim. At 31 years of age, I finally learned how to move my legs and arms in just the right way so that I was swimming and not just thrashing on the side of a pool.
I remember the day, too. It was a really hot summer day in Valdosta, as they tend to be, and I was just kind of cooling off in Matt's parents' pool... and suddenly while I was moving around, I just... got it. It clicked. After all of those years, it was like a light bulb coming on. And for the rest of the afternoon, I just swam, swam, swam, I was a water sprite. I was DOING it! I felt really proud of myself, that I'd taught myself a new skill.
Unfortunately, I haven't really gotten to swim since. I doubt that I'd be able to really save myself in a rough ocean - my skills aren't honed by any means - but I can get into a pool without making a fool of myself, and for that I'm proud.
While I was remembering that memory, I also remembered the storms in Valdosta. I have some bad memories of that, especially the one time where the roof caved in while I was sleeping (remind me to write about that one day when I feel less fragile, if you will) - but some of the storms were nothing short of beautiful. The gray skies, the smell of rain approaching, the warm wind just gusting... no storm in Maryland can quite compare. If I'd lived in a better place, if I were more secure... I would have loved the rain on my roof and watching it pour. But... well, that's another story for another day.
Another memory that comes to me is when I finally got behind the wheel of a car - or in this case, truck - for the first time. Being with Matt held a lot of negativity, believe me - but he was good for me in some respects, and one of them is that he thoroughly believed that I was able to learn new things. Driving was one of them, and he was a good teacher. He got me further with being able to drive than anyone else has to date. I remember driving down country roads in Valdosta at all hours - day, night, 4pm or 4am. I was never scared, driving at night - in Valdosta, there's not much in the way of traffic at that hour. At one point, I took the test down there, but I failed due to the parallel parking business. It's still the ONE thing that I don't know. I'm bound to fix that very, very soon.
Ah, I don't know. This is all a pointless ramble, no doubt, but it's better to get it out of my head so that it won't be churning in there. It's rare that I ever get a chance to write something down right away that I want to talk about, too, so... here it is in the rough. Now you know my thought processes!
Anyway. It's 1am now, and I have to be up at 4:30am. Doesn't seem much point in trying to sleep, but I have to attempt - at least I might be able to half-function. With no sleep at all, gah, who knows.
Hopefully writing in here will take some of those thoughts out and allow me to at least get some rest.
I was lying in bed and thinking about the few positive things that I got out of my life in Valdosta - and trust me, there wasn't much - but there were some things. For example... I learned how to swim. At 31 years of age, I finally learned how to move my legs and arms in just the right way so that I was swimming and not just thrashing on the side of a pool.
I remember the day, too. It was a really hot summer day in Valdosta, as they tend to be, and I was just kind of cooling off in Matt's parents' pool... and suddenly while I was moving around, I just... got it. It clicked. After all of those years, it was like a light bulb coming on. And for the rest of the afternoon, I just swam, swam, swam, I was a water sprite. I was DOING it! I felt really proud of myself, that I'd taught myself a new skill.
Unfortunately, I haven't really gotten to swim since. I doubt that I'd be able to really save myself in a rough ocean - my skills aren't honed by any means - but I can get into a pool without making a fool of myself, and for that I'm proud.
While I was remembering that memory, I also remembered the storms in Valdosta. I have some bad memories of that, especially the one time where the roof caved in while I was sleeping (remind me to write about that one day when I feel less fragile, if you will) - but some of the storms were nothing short of beautiful. The gray skies, the smell of rain approaching, the warm wind just gusting... no storm in Maryland can quite compare. If I'd lived in a better place, if I were more secure... I would have loved the rain on my roof and watching it pour. But... well, that's another story for another day.
Another memory that comes to me is when I finally got behind the wheel of a car - or in this case, truck - for the first time. Being with Matt held a lot of negativity, believe me - but he was good for me in some respects, and one of them is that he thoroughly believed that I was able to learn new things. Driving was one of them, and he was a good teacher. He got me further with being able to drive than anyone else has to date. I remember driving down country roads in Valdosta at all hours - day, night, 4pm or 4am. I was never scared, driving at night - in Valdosta, there's not much in the way of traffic at that hour. At one point, I took the test down there, but I failed due to the parallel parking business. It's still the ONE thing that I don't know. I'm bound to fix that very, very soon.
Ah, I don't know. This is all a pointless ramble, no doubt, but it's better to get it out of my head so that it won't be churning in there. It's rare that I ever get a chance to write something down right away that I want to talk about, too, so... here it is in the rough. Now you know my thought processes!
Anyway. It's 1am now, and I have to be up at 4:30am. Doesn't seem much point in trying to sleep, but I have to attempt - at least I might be able to half-function. With no sleep at all, gah, who knows.
11 January 2009
Lazy weekend doings.
Just woke up and I'm enjoying Miss Lion's presence. She came yesterday and boy, is she something else. She has a personality and a half. I was woken up over and over by her wanting to crawl up onto my night table - and when she gets it in her furry little head to do something, she does it and be damned what you think about it. (This sounds like I'm complaining, but she's being a cat - I'm aware of it.) She's seven and a half pounds of chattering, shedding, bull-headed stubbornness - and I'm unashamedly in love with her. :D
Pictures shall follow soon.
Anyway, just a lazy Sunday here at casa Ray. I'm happy, she's happy, we're all happy. Now, talk to me the same time tomorrow and I may not be in the same frame of mind, heh, but... right now all is right with the world.
I am finally beginning to let go of Pearl, though. 7 years since she died and I'm just starting to let go of her. I loved that cat with all of my soul, and it broke me when she died, just broke me. A big part of me feels like I killed her, because I took her into that horrible environment in Georgia - if she'd never gone to that disgusting shack... but it's past now. I can't bring her back, as much as I want to. And Miss Lion needs me now.
Maybe I'm starting the recovery process from that. I know, it seems silly to mourn this deeply over the loss of a cat ("She was only a cat for fuck's sake, get over it" - yes, I've heard this before)... but she was quite literally for a long time my child.. and my best friend. You can't "just get over that".
Anyway, enough sadness for today. I'm going to bond with Miss Lion and maybe get some laundry done. The first part is a win. The second? Eh, but necessary.
Here's hoping for a good week.
Pictures shall follow soon.
Anyway, just a lazy Sunday here at casa Ray. I'm happy, she's happy, we're all happy. Now, talk to me the same time tomorrow and I may not be in the same frame of mind, heh, but... right now all is right with the world.
I am finally beginning to let go of Pearl, though. 7 years since she died and I'm just starting to let go of her. I loved that cat with all of my soul, and it broke me when she died, just broke me. A big part of me feels like I killed her, because I took her into that horrible environment in Georgia - if she'd never gone to that disgusting shack... but it's past now. I can't bring her back, as much as I want to. And Miss Lion needs me now.
Maybe I'm starting the recovery process from that. I know, it seems silly to mourn this deeply over the loss of a cat ("She was only a cat for fuck's sake, get over it" - yes, I've heard this before)... but she was quite literally for a long time my child.. and my best friend. You can't "just get over that".
Anyway, enough sadness for today. I'm going to bond with Miss Lion and maybe get some laundry done. The first part is a win. The second? Eh, but necessary.
Here's hoping for a good week.
08 July 2008
Crazy, crazy day.
So much has happened to me today that I'm not sure of what to think. I guess I'd better get it out here, or at least attempt to...
Back in late January, after I left the bank because I more or less went nuts, the gubmint called me about a possible job that I'd applied for all the way back last July - and I went down to the interview, bleh blah, so on and so forth. In early March, they'd told me that I had passed the interview, and they would send me down for a drug test in Washington so that they could do the "final steps", so to speak.
Well, what happened was that in early April, they told me that there were no vacancies for the position, because the problem is that this job is mainly available, due to what has to be done in it, for male applicants. Females just aren't needed. So they said that they'd keep my name on a list and that when a job vacancy opened up, it was mine if I wanted it. Well, keep in mind - this is 8, 9 months later. I can't put my life on hold for 9 months. So I said 'okay' to that and just went about my business, enrolling in school and getting prepared for the semester.
Now, get this - the gubmint called me today. And told me that there was finally a vacancy open. I need to go take a drug test again because it's been more than 2 months, but after that, I'm scheduled to be brought aboard.
Can you believe this shit?
Right now I'm in a total state of shock. I don't know what to think. I even told them about the upcoming trip - be damned if I'm going to give this up now, 10 days before I'm scheduled to leave - and they said "no problem".
I'll be honest - at this point, my mind's a blank. I just want to go to Sydney right now and then I'll come back to... whatever my life's going to be. If I even know what that is right now. Since there's apparently no problem with my trip, I'm going to go, think about where I'm going and what I want to do... and then I'll know.
Funny how you just give up on life and then suddenly everything goes your way. I just don't get it.
T minus 10 days to Australia and counting. I'm getting nervous as shit now.
By the way, some of you might have noticed that there's a few more adornments on the side of the page. I put up a link to Petfinders and the "pet of the day" at the local rescue shelters. For those who might not know, I'm very much into cats, love them, always have. And I've been wanting one for a very long time - though with the job now I may not be able to take care of one - but if I do get one, I'm going to go with a rescue cat. If you ever decide to have a pet, consider your local shelter. Too many animals are being bred with not enough homes. Like that politician guy in Cecil County has on his bumper - "if you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em" - pretty simplistic statement.
I lived with an animal hoarder for 3 years. It's not pretty. Things happened to those cats (21 of them) and dogs (4 of them) that I don't even want to discuss, as it's a searing pain that still rests on my heart. I regret with all of my heart that I didn't call protective services sooner than I did. I tried so hard to take care of those cats and dogs, but when your so-called partner doesn't give a shit....
(sigh) No, no point in getting into that now. It's too painful. All I can say is, if you ever see someone doing that shit, call the cops on them. Please.
Anyway. Have a look at the new links. The shelters have some gorgeous cats up for adoption. :)
Back in late January, after I left the bank because I more or less went nuts, the gubmint called me about a possible job that I'd applied for all the way back last July - and I went down to the interview, bleh blah, so on and so forth. In early March, they'd told me that I had passed the interview, and they would send me down for a drug test in Washington so that they could do the "final steps", so to speak.
Well, what happened was that in early April, they told me that there were no vacancies for the position, because the problem is that this job is mainly available, due to what has to be done in it, for male applicants. Females just aren't needed. So they said that they'd keep my name on a list and that when a job vacancy opened up, it was mine if I wanted it. Well, keep in mind - this is 8, 9 months later. I can't put my life on hold for 9 months. So I said 'okay' to that and just went about my business, enrolling in school and getting prepared for the semester.
Now, get this - the gubmint called me today. And told me that there was finally a vacancy open. I need to go take a drug test again because it's been more than 2 months, but after that, I'm scheduled to be brought aboard.
Can you believe this shit?
Right now I'm in a total state of shock. I don't know what to think. I even told them about the upcoming trip - be damned if I'm going to give this up now, 10 days before I'm scheduled to leave - and they said "no problem".
I'll be honest - at this point, my mind's a blank. I just want to go to Sydney right now and then I'll come back to... whatever my life's going to be. If I even know what that is right now. Since there's apparently no problem with my trip, I'm going to go, think about where I'm going and what I want to do... and then I'll know.
Funny how you just give up on life and then suddenly everything goes your way. I just don't get it.
T minus 10 days to Australia and counting. I'm getting nervous as shit now.
By the way, some of you might have noticed that there's a few more adornments on the side of the page. I put up a link to Petfinders and the "pet of the day" at the local rescue shelters. For those who might not know, I'm very much into cats, love them, always have. And I've been wanting one for a very long time - though with the job now I may not be able to take care of one - but if I do get one, I'm going to go with a rescue cat. If you ever decide to have a pet, consider your local shelter. Too many animals are being bred with not enough homes. Like that politician guy in Cecil County has on his bumper - "if you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em" - pretty simplistic statement.
I lived with an animal hoarder for 3 years. It's not pretty. Things happened to those cats (21 of them) and dogs (4 of them) that I don't even want to discuss, as it's a searing pain that still rests on my heart. I regret with all of my heart that I didn't call protective services sooner than I did. I tried so hard to take care of those cats and dogs, but when your so-called partner doesn't give a shit....
(sigh) No, no point in getting into that now. It's too painful. All I can say is, if you ever see someone doing that shit, call the cops on them. Please.
Anyway. Have a look at the new links. The shelters have some gorgeous cats up for adoption. :)
29 June 2008
Back in full force. Yay!
I haven't been too verbose as of late, but I've been feeling really rotten, if you want to know the truth. The heat's getting me down, I'm physically tired due to whatever bullshit is wrong with me, and I'm slowly attempting to clean, get this place together before I head out of here. 2 weeks and some days, and counting! Goddamn! :o
I managed the last of the laundry, so there isn't even one piece of clothing in this house that isn't clean. Yay! I'm going to miss my washer and dryer when I leave here - the new apartment has laundry buildings, which sucks ass - but I'll manage. After all, I'm the one that used to have to climb over 5 feet of brush and weed every time I wanted to wash clothes in Georgia. And oh my God, it did no good, it still smelled like swamp mud anyway. Blech. I'm so glad that I don't live there anymore, you all have no idea, heh...
Otherwise, things are about the same. I wanted to do a Friday music thingie, but I was just too sick. I think Friday was probably the worst day out of the week. I have a really, really busy week coming up, though - I'm supposed to go out tomorrow and pick up the last of what I need for Sydney - sunglasses, a DVD case (because the one I ordered from eBay never showed up, the fuckheads), shoes, etc. I think I'm going to take my contacts, though I haven't worn them in years. But, eh... my specs are in such bad shape. I should really go to the eye doctor, I know. Maybe when I get back...
Then I have my doctor's appointment on Thursday. I've never been so fucking eager to go to the doctor in my life - I hate them, hate them, hate them, so that ought to tell you something's wrong for sure.
I also have to run up to the apartment place this week. And go back to Medix to sign some stuff. Meh, no rest for the weary this week, eh?
Still looking for a way to showcase my trip on here instead of opening up another useless blog - silly. I'll figure something out.
Ah, well. Back to scrubbing my shower. Isn't my life just exciting as shit? :p
I managed the last of the laundry, so there isn't even one piece of clothing in this house that isn't clean. Yay! I'm going to miss my washer and dryer when I leave here - the new apartment has laundry buildings, which sucks ass - but I'll manage. After all, I'm the one that used to have to climb over 5 feet of brush and weed every time I wanted to wash clothes in Georgia. And oh my God, it did no good, it still smelled like swamp mud anyway. Blech. I'm so glad that I don't live there anymore, you all have no idea, heh...
Otherwise, things are about the same. I wanted to do a Friday music thingie, but I was just too sick. I think Friday was probably the worst day out of the week. I have a really, really busy week coming up, though - I'm supposed to go out tomorrow and pick up the last of what I need for Sydney - sunglasses, a DVD case (because the one I ordered from eBay never showed up, the fuckheads), shoes, etc. I think I'm going to take my contacts, though I haven't worn them in years. But, eh... my specs are in such bad shape. I should really go to the eye doctor, I know. Maybe when I get back...
Then I have my doctor's appointment on Thursday. I've never been so fucking eager to go to the doctor in my life - I hate them, hate them, hate them, so that ought to tell you something's wrong for sure.
I also have to run up to the apartment place this week. And go back to Medix to sign some stuff. Meh, no rest for the weary this week, eh?
Still looking for a way to showcase my trip on here instead of opening up another useless blog - silly. I'll figure something out.
Ah, well. Back to scrubbing my shower. Isn't my life just exciting as shit? :p
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