......

Several people have written me in the last few hours due to a rather cryptic Facebook status I put up earlier yesterday that simply said "bad, bad, bad, bad day".

First of all, rest assured that I'm as okay as I'm going to be. I'm not in danger, I'm not unable to function, and I'm eating, drinking, showering, living. So, no worries there. However... I'm currently dealing with a very personal, painful situation that has been a very long time in coming. It's culminated into ... I guess that one could say that I've reached the end of the rope, and I'm letting go.

For my own health and sanity, I must.

I never wanted things to come to this point, but it's now out of my hands. It's not under my control. And... what have I learned, boys and girls? I cannot control anything other than what I do.

Heh, that's become some kind of mantra for me, I think.

Healing will come, just like I've healed from other things. But I suspect that it'll be a long, long time before I can say that it no longer affects me.

It is now 5:15 in the morning, here, and it's dark and quiet outside. It resembles how I feel right now... dark, but quiet. I'm just going to be, for a while. Simply be still. I don't have to decide anything today. I don't have to do anything but simply be.

The death of a dream is always hard. But new dreams will come. I have to believe that. I have to, if I want to survive.

Thanks to a certain couple of people out here for listening to me... and for not judging me, or thinking that I'm pathetic. It gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll see my way through and out of this.

In the meantime.... breathe. Just breathe. And be.

Ugh, under so much stress.

The past couple of days have been hectic, what with looking at houses, haggling with mortgage brokers, endless phone calls... but I've found the house that I want. Unfortunately, I've found out that there'll be a steep price for it - so far the deal is, I spend 125k on it, and keep my payments JUST above 950 a month. Sigh. The thing is, that's how much I'd have to cough up for an apartment, anyway, so why not just do it. But I made it clear that I can't go above 950, there's no way in hell I can do it, so... if they want a quick sale, they've got it, if they agree to my terms. My RE agent seems to think they will. But as usual, the nay-sayer in me thinks not.

I knew going in that buying a house would be stressful. I did it once before, when I was married, and there was a fuckload of trouble when that was going on. The deal was held up for months over something about "easements", whatever the fuck that means - but it did end up happening, eventually. This is no different, and in truth I think it'll go a fuck of a lot quicker than the Still Road house did. But, still. It's just nerve-wracking.

This is sort of why I didn't want to do this now. But I'm actually surprised with how well I've held up throughout all of this. I did nearly have a crying spell when I found out about the 950 dollar payments, though. Thing is... I spend 50 dollars a week alone on coffee and breakfast and entertainment, etc. I can cut that out with no problem, it's money wasted really. 200 dollars a month, I can cover that extra bit, and I can always get a second job if things get really tight.

Where there's a will... well, you know the rest.

And the house is in Seton Hill, which has always been a really nice neighborhood. It's in move-in condition. The others I looked at were, quite frankly, either dumps or not suited to my needs for whatever reason. This one is perfect. I don't want to let it get away.

I give the RE guy a thousand dollars tonight as "good faith deposit" money. This is the start of it. I just hope that it finishes to my satisfaction.

Off to a work meeting now, but I'll definitely keep all posted.

Hmmm....

I've been busy over the last couple of days, and a lot has happened, but.. for some reason I just don't much feel like talking about any of it. Nothing bad, just... I think lazy is a better word for it. It's been cold as fuck here lately and I've wanted to curl up in bed and sleep it away. At least my wanting to stay in bed isn't because of depression! :)

I've had disturbing dreams about my family as of late, specifically my mother and brother, who were the two primary figures in my life while I was growing up. I can't really articulate them very well - as usual, I've partially blocked it out - but I've also neglected to write down my dreams. Usually if they've made a huge impact on my life I'll remember them on my own, anyway. I do dislike thinking about my family, even subconsciously. The more awareness I come to, the more that I realize that I just want to be done with them all - mother, brother, everyone. Sad, but I have to be truthful with myself. I've already "disowned" my father and have more or less told him so. One of these...no, wait.

I keep saying that one of these days I'm going to write him a letter, but... where else should I do it but here. Maybe when I'm less tired, I will. Tonight isn't a good night to do such things, as I might get upset and we don't want that, do we, kiddies.

One of my coworkers had urine thrown on him this week. Everyone's worst nightmare down at work. They tried to deny him six hours of leave, but he raised a huge stink (if you'll pardon the irony, hah hah) about it and he got it anyway. The way I see it is this - if Useless can take two weeks off for being stuck in an elevator for 20 minutes, I think this guy can take six hours' leave to go to the doctor to make sure that urine didn't get in his eyes, don't you agree?

That place is just ... fucked. Seriously.

We roll back the time in two weeks. I can't wait - it means winter is finally here and I love the cold weather (though I'm not sure about this early in the season).

No grade on the paper for crim yet. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I'm not getting a bad vibe from it, so... maybe I did well. Still waiting....

Brrr. My feet are freezing, so I'm getting into bed, and I hope the cat comes up and warms them for me. :D

Until next time.