Just when I thought it was all over.

Despite my rather valiant efforts, I have not had a real good weekend. I've been in physical pain for most of it, and the plain, simple fact is that the realization is now starting to hit me - that I've contracted to purchase this house, it's permanent, and that all of the real work now begins.

This wouldn't be so bad, but for the fact that 1. I've never had such control over my own life; and 2. it's all so goddamned overwhelming.

I had a breakdown in the Ikea parking lot today for reasons unknown, until I really thought about it - and the plain fact, it's too many decisions. People keep telling me that I'm not under a time pressure - that I have time to think, that I can decide any time I want to. All well and good, except that I can't make a decision. I've never been any good with deciding anything, from major decisions such as buying this place to begin with, to a simple one such as what color dishes to get. I just can't do it - I freeze up, I'm always scared of doing the wrong thing, of screwing up, and that's a natural consequence of being told, in not so many words, that you've been a screwup all of your life.

Today was the first day in a long time that I felt out of control of my own head. It's not at all a good sign.

I'm also starting to face the fact that my life is what it is now. That I'm more or less all alone out here, left to my own devices. Most of the time, I'm okay, if not great. But today is one of those days where I just feel utterly abandoned and unwanted by the world. And that's when all of the memories come back, like ghosts that won't go away. Memories of when I was married, of before I was married, of after and all of the utter destruction that was caused and is now behind me in the rear view mirror. Destruction that I somehow can't escape, as much as I try to forget.

Today I feel like the screwup that I've always been called. Today, for the first time in a long time, I feel like maybe I shouldn't really be alive.

No, no. No worries. I'm safe tonight. But it's a fleeting wish that I could have all of the time back again, that I could make something more out of my life than what I have now. Yes, I'm in a better position in a lot of ways, and I'm grateful for what I do have. I just feel raw... and very, very scared. And that what I'm feeling isn't normal, but then nothing I apparently do is 'normal', anyway.

I hope that this is just a dip in the road. I hope that my depression isn't starting to come back. I don't want it back, I don't want it back, I don't want it. I don't want to be sick anymore.

Sleep. I hope that tomorrow will be better.